SPORZ v THE TOON **** SUNDAY AFTERNOOON!

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 12th December 2015

HAPPY TIMES!--PEREZ (number 17) CELEBRATES WOR 2nd GOAL
@ SPORZ IN THE LEEGUE LAST SEASON (We won 2-1!)

We travel doon to 'The Smoke' tomorrow mornin' for the 2nd time in a fortneet, to take on a Sporz side who have anly lost once this season so far!
Wor last visit to the capital waz a complete disaster--losin' 5-1 to Pardew's Palace at Selhurst Park!

The '4 bells' kick off iz live on SKY and The Toon section iz a complete sell-oot, although they havvent said just how many tickets we have been given?

Rumour haz it that we will send oot an unchanged team from the one that beat 'The Liverbirds' 2-0 last week, so lets hope we can get  'back to back' wins for the forst time in ower a year!

Wor last 2 Leegue visits to White Hart Lane have in fact resulted in victories for 'us' (2-1 and 1-0) although we did lose 4-0 in The Leegue Cup there last season.
Sporz are unbeaten at home this season ---so far!

The trains back from King's Cross are of course 'DRY' at the bequest of 'The British Transport Dibbles' and bottles of 'Fanta' and 'Diet Cokes' are the 'order of the day' on the retorn jorney! <(we've got to look after wor 'figures', yi naa!)

In othaa news, wor FA Cup game against Wotfad away haz been conformed az gannin aheed @ '3 bells' Saturday 9th January--the same time and day az The SMBs game against 'The Arse' @ The Emirates!

To add 'spice' to the day, aall East Coast Main Line trains to London will be divorted through!---sund-lind! because of on gannin line work!
That meenz thoosands of Toon and mackem fans will be on the same trains to King's Cross!-----Shud be 'fun and games'!

AWAY DAYS TICKET NEWS

Posted '1:30pm bells' Thorsday 10th December 2015

Tickets for wor away game against Sporz this Sunday are completeleee sold oot (allocation TBC), az are tickets for 'The Baggie Troosers' of West Brom on Munday 28th December and 'The Arse' on Saturday 2nd January!
Wor allocation for WBA iz 2,700 and 2,000 for The Arse <(we could have had more but the club's shameful policy of takin' the minimum numbers of tickets still applies!)

"OH NO!----WHY CAN'T WE JUST KEEP WOR TRAPS SHUT!?"

Posted '11:33am bells' Wednesday 9th December 2015

Followin' wor 2-0 win against 'The Liverbirds', some of the players have been gettin' carried away' and are predictin' great things by the end of the season.
Rather than 'play doon' wor win on Sunday followin' disastrous 5-1 and 3-0 defeats, Sissoko haz claimed that: "We can finish in the top ten!"--which will surely 'put the mockers' on wor visit to White Hart Lane next Sunday, when we play Sporz (who incidentally!) are unbeaten at home in 8 games this season!

Indeed shud results gan against us on Saturday we could find worsels BACK in the bottom 2, come Sunday mornin'!

Why can't we just keep wor traps shut!? and de wor taalkin' on the pitch and not some 'hot air' on the back page of 'The Ronny-Gill'????

"200,000 REASONS TO BELIEVE!"

Posted '12:35pm bells' Tuesday 8th December 2015

'The Geordie Times' haz reached a new 'historic' milestone <(or shud that be mill-stone?) for we received wor TWO HUNDRED THOOOSADTH! (200,000th!) pageview late last neet!
We thank each and every one of yoo for loggin' into this daft site in these difficult times for NUFC fans!

We are aalso in the 'Top 20' of world wide websites---"ER!" that's in the 'Top 20 MILLION oot of the 30 million websites aroond the planet, that iz!---We are in 19,563,591st place az we speak!--and are rated 2 and a half stars oot of 5! (see below!)

Az per usual in New York City, King Kong haz climbed to the top of 'The Empire State Building' in 'joyous celebration' of this momentous event!

"Keep the faith!"

"FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROADSSSS!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 8th December 2015



January 9th?

January 23rd!

The FA Cup draw haz been unkind to us yet again, az we must travel to Elton John's Wotfad in the 2nd week of January and then again at the END of January for a Leegue fixture!
Add in the fact that we are away to Sporz this comin' Sunday and The Arse on January 2nd, this meeenz we have to travel 'to and fro' to King's Cross in London ne less than FOWER times in the next 6 weeks!
A total of 2,500 rail miles in aall--and of course expensive train and game tickets to match!

To complicate things the SMBs have drawn 'The Arse' away in London on the same day and we envisage that 'The Dibble' will not want thoosands of rival fans travellin' on the same trains and drinkin' in the same boozers around King's Cross!--So one of the games will undoubtedly be moved!

We will keep yoo informed of any forthaa developments!

THE TOON 2 THE LIVERBIRDS 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Posted '10:37am bells' Munday 7th December 2015

"OH YEE OF LITTLE FAITH!"

Aall the talk in 'The Bodega' before the match waz just how many goals 'The Liverbirds' would put past us that afternoon, but the pessimists amongst us (includin' 'me'!) were resigned to a heavy defeat, especially after wor 5-1 drubbin' @ Palace the week before and wor visitors stunnin' 6-1 win away to Sooothampton last midweek!

Although we didn't have a shot on goal durin' the forst half neetha did 'The Liverbirds' and we went in aall square at the break!

THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END (1st half)

A goal-less draw waz the best we could expect in the 2nd half, we thought, but Gini Wijnaldum proved us aall wrang with a deflected shot in the 69th minute @ The Leazes End which sent the biggest crowd of the season @ SJP into raptures!

Could we somehow hold on?---'The Mickey Mousers' were not on top form, thankfully, and missed several chances, with sub Sturridge missin' a golden chance not lang after wor goal, which he normally puts away! <(but not this time!)

A goal for them waz then ruled offside by the linesman on The Milburn Stand side of the pitch, but this proved to be a wrang decision in TV replays az good fortune shined on 'us'!

2nd HALF ACTION @ THE LEAZES END

And then the fourth official put up FIVE minutes of stoppage time to loud boos from the crowd az THREE minutes waz wot we expected!---But NOT to worry az Wijnaldum raced doon the pitch and connected to a through baall pin-point from Sissoko and he lifted the baall slightly ower ex mackem goalie Mignolet and into the empty net! 2-0!
It waz tooo late for a comeback and we took the 3 precious points to move up to 3rd bottom, level on points with Bournemoooth and Norwich just above us and above the SMBs who drop to 2nd bottom a point behind!

A totally unexpected result in this topsy, torvy season---wot next @ White Hart Lane next Sunday when we tek on Sporz, who are unbeaten at home in 8 games!?--Who naaz with this lot?, but at least we had a bit of fightin' spirit at last!

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat, Dummett, Coloccini, Mbemba, Sissoko, Colback (Gouffran 77), Anita, Wijnaldum, De Jong (Perez 68), Cisse (Thourvin 82)

Attendance: 51,273 (wor biggest crowd of the season by nearly 900) (3,200 Liverbirds) <(half that number by full time!) *

THE TOON v THE LIVERBIRDS *** THIS AFTERNOOON @ '4 BELLS'!

Posted '9:44am bells' Sunday 6th December 2015

HAPPIER DAYS! *** LAST SEASON WE WON 1-0!

A mixed set of results on Saturday mean that we are firmly entrenched in the bottom 3 until at least next week, as even an unlikely win today would still see us in the relegation zone followin' Bournemoooth's suprize win at Chelski last neet, which lifts them to 4th bottom, 3 points clear of us, level with Norwich and both with a better goal difference than us! (unless WE win by a cricket score today!) <(very highly unlikely!)

We actually beat today's opponents 1-0 @ SJP last season, with Perez scorin' the anly goal of the game to claim the 3 points, but with wor current form and their current form the 'cricket score' mentioned iz likely to be for them, shud we implode once again!

We will find oot @ '6 bells' when the match iz ower and hope (somehow!) that these 'feisty' trainin' sessions 'championed' by 'The Brollyless Wally', finally pays off!

Match report an pix will be on-line sometime tomorrow az per usual

"GEORDIE TIMES' EXCLUUUSIVE! *** CARVER HOPES TO 'RE-BUILD' IN MLS

Posted '9:22pm bells' Friday 4th December 2015

John 'the pie' Carver, wor failed manager from last season, who lost 8 games in a row and nearly got us relegated from a relatively safe position when he took ower, says he wants to try hiz luck again in America!
He waz at FC Toronto 6 years ago in the MLS (Major League Soccer) and fancies a retorn to North America
"I want to go somewhere where I can build something!" he told 'Goal USA'---and 'The Geordie Times' haz foond the perfect place for him to 'build' in New York City!

A Lego model of The Empire State Building, New York!
(MLS = Miniature Lego Skyscraper!)

THE TOON v THE LIVERBIRDS *** SUNDAY AFTERNOOON!

Posted '1:15pm bells' Thorsday 3rd December 2015
(Updated Friday 'high noon bells')

A READY MADE EXCUSE!


"My excuse THIS time?"---"The ball was the wrong shape!"

Followin' on from Palace's record 5-1 win in The Premyaa Leegue against 'us'! and wor record defeat against 'them' (wor previous worst waz a 3-1 revorse!), we face a rejuvenated Scouse outfit who won 6-1 @ Sooothampton in the Leegue Cup qwaataa finals on Wednesday neet!So shud we lose heavily on Sunday (az iz expected by many!) then McClaren haz a ready made excuse, pointin' to 'The Liverbirds' huge win on the south coast az the reason, when he does hiz usual 'smiley' post match interview on the telly!

Things are so desperate @ The Toon that we have recalled Mike Williamson from hiz loan spell at Wolves to try and shore up wor 'sieve like' defence! <(the same 'Mike Williamson' who we tried to sell in the summer az he waz deemed "Surplus to requirements!")

Havin' won just 19% of wor games this calendar year, which iz the worst in wor entire 123 year history!, we look for just wor FOURTH leegue win of the year @ SJP and SECOND home win of this season!
(This iz wor EIGHTH home game, by the way!)

To get that 'top 8' finish which we were promised in September (see article below!) we need to average TWO points a game til the end of the season!---which iz 'title winnin' form'!!!
Az wor average so far iz HALF A POINT a game, then that 'promise' looks a bit 'broken' at the minute---divvint yoo 'fink'???

More to follow on aall this dribble in the next couple of days!


Updated 'high noon bells' Friday

'The Wally (withoot!) the Brolly's desperate, depressin' and bizarre quotes:

After the 5-1 defeat at Palace he said: "That was not us!, That is not Newcastle United!" <(So if it's 'not Newcastle United' then I wasted approx. £150 on tickets, travel, food and beer and got oot of bed at '3:30 bells' in the mornin' to travel doon to London to watch anothaa team!---Who the hell waz I watchin' then, Steve??? 

"Nobody is happy at this football club!" <(Tooo true!)

"All of a sudden we have went three steps forward and five or six steps back!" <(ONE step forward---TEN steps back, more like!)

"People question a lack of fight and character from these players and it appears that way!" <(Doesn't say much aboot your leadership then, does it?)

"But these are young players, this is what they are going through!" <(The clubs policy IZ to buy YOUNG PLAYERS!---yoo knew that when yoo took the job!)

"We believe in these players, but confidence is very fragile!" <(WHY!?--It's surely your job to instil some confidence in them!!!---Yoo ARE the 'gaffer' after aall!)

Footnote: Mike Williamson who waz recalled from Wolves because of wor injury crisis will MISS the game on Sunday az he tweeked hiz hamstring just minutes after returnin' for trainin'!---Yoo coulnd'nt make it up! <(not that he's much good anyway!)

"BOARD'-ERING ON THE RIDICULOUS!" ************ A MESSAGE FROM PENFOLD

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 2nd December 2015

Exactly 3 months ago today, wor 'beloved'? MD known affectionately to Toon fans az 'Penfold' sent me a 'personal' e-mail which went like this:

Message 02/09/2015

'A NEW CHAPTER!'

A MESSAGE FROM THE BOARDROOM

Dear 'Fink'

As the transfer window closes, we are delighted by what we think has been a very strong summer of business for our club.

We've secured ourselves four exceptional senior players in Georginio Wijnaldum, Aleksander Mitrovic, Chancel Mbemba and Florian Thourvin, as well as landing the exciting emerging talent of Ivan Toney.

I hope you have been impressed by what you have seen from them so far. We are confident that they will continue to improve and will add significantly to the quality and success of the team. 

In addition we are delighted to agree a new deal with our captain, Fabricio Coloccini and one of the figurehead's of our club. 

(He went on to say)
Our strategy is clear---Quality over quantity---We want the best young players available to us.
We have brought in high calibre players who will make an immediate impact.


Steve and his team

We have set Steve a target of a top eight finish and to win a trophy.


A new chapter

Your support is magnificent and truly valued. On behalf of the board and my colleagues I hope that this can be a new chapter of positivity and progression for Newcastle United on and off the pitch.

Best wishes

'Penfold' your 'beloved' MD 



A MESSAGE FROM 'FINK'

"I await in anticipation and with baited breath for your next personal e-mail to me!"  <(THREE MONTHS AND STILL WAITIN'!?)