NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPER NEWS!

Posted '11:45am bells' Sunday 15th November 2015

"WILL I GET THERE!?"

For those of yoo who have nevaa been <(and WE have!) 'The Toon's U18s' team are playin' Man U U18s @ Moss Lane, Altrincham on Munday neet @ '7 bells
The game waz moved from Man Us trainin' groond on Saturday to give the youngins some experience of playin' under floodlights az both teams will be doin so in their forthcomin' FA Youth Cup ties in December!
Taalkin' of which!---we have been drawn away to eetha Ilkeston Toon U18s or Shrewsbury Toon U18s who play each othaa on Wednesday neet for the right to face us in the 3rd roond of the competition---BOTH theeze groond are on wor 'wish list' az we havvent been to eethaa! 
The game haz to be played by December 19th and yoo can be sure that the NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers will be there to see it!

AND THEN!---this comin' Thorsday evenin' wor U15s side will face the SMBs U15s at Northern Leegue side Sooth Shields ground in Jarrow? which iz next to BEDE Metro station!---Alan Shearer will open some new function rooms at the Mariners Park groond (formerly Filtrona Park) so there iz sure to be a big crowd considerin' that Sooth Shields is 50% Toon and 50% mackem (and of course the appearance of Shearer will add a canny few more to the crowd!)

The game iz scheduled to kick off @ '6:30 bells' but iz NOT 'cast in stone' yet!

PS: Az this game haz been arranged at very short notice <(a'v just foond oot aboot it!) aa might struggle to get the day off work---but will try my utmost to get there, az, YES! ---a'v nevaa seen a Toon side play at that groond eethaa! <(Seen 'The Bad Blue Boys of Dunston' play there a few years ago, though!)

Update Tuesday:
The U18s won 2-1 @ Man U with Lewis McNall scorin' wor forst goal on the half hour mark before Man U equalised just before the break. Luke Charman got wor winner in the 70th minute!
    

BLANKETY BLANK YET AGAIN!

Posted '11:11am bells' Sunday 15th November 2015


"ANOTHER BLANK WEEKEND FOR ALL YOU TOON FANS!
BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS WATCH RE-RUNS OF 'BLANKETY BLANK'
ON THE TELLY TO FILL YOUR TIME IN!"

Anothaa International break and anothaa weekend withoot a Toon game!---The 4th time this season so far we have been left 'kickin' wor heels'
News that wor home game against Man U haz been moved forward a day to Tuesday January 12th for live telly---wor anly live game in January! (Unless we draw a non leegue team away in the FA Cup and 'the vultures of the BBC' come a'callin'!

Wor next away game against Pardew's Palace in a fortneets time iz a complete sell-oot with wor allocation of 2,800 tickets sold for The Arthur Wait Stand >>>>>>

PIT YAAKERS v THE TOON U21s *** TOONEET!

Posted '2:35 pm bells' Thorsday 12th November 2015

The Toon are sendin' a team to Ashington tooneet to open their new stand.
Kick off iz at '7 bells' and it's a fiver for big kids and two quid for sprogs and zimmerframeites!

Updated Friday:
The Toon won by 8 (EIGHT!) goals to 1 in the drivin' wind and rain in front of a 1,200 plus crowd!
Sean Longstaff got 4, Adam Laidler got 2 and both Lewis McNall and Owen Gallacher the othaas in this rout in Pit Yaaker Land!

The wind waz so bad that the game had to be stopped when the caterin' tent nearly blew away!  

"WE WILL REMEMBER THEM!"

Posted '11:30am bells' Wednesday 11th November 2015

mACKEM CONSPIRACY THEORIES!

Posted '12:26pm bells' Tuesday 10th November 2015

News reaches The Geordie Times that goalkeepin' hero from Bournemoooth, Rob Elliot haz been drafted into the Republic of Ireland Euro 2016 squad by Martin O'Neill, despite protests from Steve 'ne brolly' McClaren that he iz unfit for duty!
Rob iz at the moment bein' wrapped 'in cotton wool' for wor game against Lestaa a week on Saturday, but despite this O'Neill, a self confessed mackem fan and ex mackem manager haz demanded he reports for duty for Ireland's vital games on Friday and next Munday!

Of course if wor 3rd choice keeper shud get injured furthaa on International duty then 4th choice 18 year old Freddie Woodman would be drafted in---not the ideal situation!

Conspiracy theories or wot???? 

BOURNEMOOOTH 0 THE TOON 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Posted 'high noon bells' remembrance Sunday 8th November 2015

THE TOON'S ANLY ATTACK IN THE 2nd HALF (white shirts)
THE CLOCK MENTIONED BELOW IZ IN THE CORNER!

"BEAT THE CLOCK!"

One of the most inept Toon performances we have ever witnessed happened yesterday on the south coast of Ing-er-land when somehow we managed to win an away game for the forst time in 10 months!

We were absolutleee pathetic! (apart from Rob Elliot in wor goal who had a blinder!) az Bournemoooth pounded wor goal in the forst period and it looked anly a matter of time before they scored az corner after corner waz defended chaotically by wor defence and saved by Rob time and time again!

"WE WILL REMEMBER THEM!"

The breakthrough came ---at the othaa end! when a 1-2-3 combination between Wijnaldum, Mitrovic and Perez resulted in Perez's weakish shot tricklin' ower the goal line to send the 1,362 diehards in the visitors enclosure into ecstasy az we celebrated wor SECOND away goal of the season!

That waz it!---after this it waz aall Bournemoooth az they tried desperately for an equaliser and somehow we managed to get to the half time interval still aheed!

1st HALF ACTION AZ THE TOON ATTACK? THE RIGHT HAND GOAL

Az mentioned, if it wasn't for 3rd choice keeper Rob Elliot in wor goal, we would have been beaten for sure az he made at least six forst class saves to save wor bacon! <(and he waz carryin' an injury!)

The 2nd half waz a case of 'beat the clock' az we again did nothing at aall and continued to give possession away time after time!

Again' Rob saved the day and it waz like the 'Alamo' at times az we somehow kept them at bay! 

We watched agonisingly az the clock in the corner ticked doon az the home side laid siege to wor goal and surely they would score at some point aa thought! <(I watched the clock more than the match in this half!)
I waz thankfully WRANG aboot them scorin' and after a ridiculous SIX minutes of stoppage time waz added by the ref, he finally blew for full time much to the relief of the players and fans alike!

Honestly!---this WAZ one of the worst ever Toon performances a'v ever seen, so to win it waz a surreal situation az we climbed oot of the relegation zone at last!

Bournemoooth had at least SIXTEEN corners durin' the game compared to wor ZERO count, plus wor ANLY shot on target waz wor goal, whereas they had dozens!

On the lang jorney back we stopped off in London toon for a few celebratory 'liquid lubrications' before eventually crossin' The High Level Bridge @ 'midneet bells'----a total jorney time of nineteen and a qwaataa hours and 720 miles! (We'd left on the 4:45 am bells train to gan doon!)

Toon team: Elliot*****, Janmaat, Mbemba, Coloccini, Dummett, Sissoko, Tiote, Anita (Mbabu 93), Wijnaldum, Mitrovic (Cisse 63), Perez (Thourvin 77)

Attendance: 11,155 (1,365 relieved Toon fans!) *
Bournemoooth's groond iz the 53rd Premyaa Leegue ground that The Toon have played on. ('The Geordie Times' have been to the lot!) We're not 100% sure but we think that this attendance iz the lowest ever for an NUFC Premyaa Leegue game!


The pre and post match gargels in Boscombe (where Bournemoooth play) took place in theeze two 'liquid lubrication locations'

  

And then it waz off to 'The Smoke'

CHESHIRE CHEESE, EMBANKMENT, LONDON

THE HOLE IN THE WALL, WATERLOO, LONDON


 



MYSTERY PUB (CANT REMEMBER NAME!) SOMEWHERE IN LONDON?
("HIC!")

Updated Tuesday:

WOT A DIFFERENCE A WIN MAKES!

 

The Geordie Times pageviews doubled yesterday from the previous week!---We can anly put this doon to wor fortuitous win @ Bournemoooth! ---KEEP THE FAITH!

BOURNEMOOOTH v THE TOON *** SATURDAY DINNAATIME?

Updated '1:27pm bells' Friday 6th November 2015

"AALL WE ARE SAYIN'---IZ GIVE US A GOAL!"

On Saturday we must get up at the ungodly hour of '3 am bells' to catch the '4:45 bells' train to King's Cross and then onward to Bournemoooth for the ridiculous '12:45' bells' dinnatime kick off---for the convenience of live telly and the BT couch/bar stool 'fanatics'? back home!---Just WHY? we allow the true fans to be treated this way time after time after time iz beyond belief---BUT!---money talks of course and we've got to line the pockets of 'The Fat Controller' and hiz mates---for this season at least! <(just where? NUFC will end up by the end of this season iz anybody's guess???

Just ONE solitary goal away from home in FIVE games (v Man City in wor 6-1 rout!) tells it's own sorry tale in a year that seems to lurch from worse to even WORSE!

With NE away leegue wins since January and just FOWER in the whole year includin' aall wor home games, meeenz that failure to beat Eddie Howe's team on Saturday will put us well on the road  to wor WORST year since the 2nd World War, shud we fail to win at least 5 of the final 7 games left this year! <(we have never won less than 9 games in 'a calendar year' since the war ended in 1945!) 

Of course there's aalways 'hope' and the encouragin' thing iz we have had 36 shots in the last 2 games and must hope that this continues and we finally score wor SECOND away goal of the campaign az we move into November! 

The game iz of course a complete sell-oot and we will have just 1,365 fans in the away enclosure cometh the kick off!
It waz actually harder to get tickets for this game than the derby against The SMBs az 105 loyalty points were needed, compared to anly 50 for the mackem game! (1 loyalty point for each away game attended!)
We reckon that the demand for the few tickets available iz because most 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' have never been here before, az it's ower 20 years since we last played @ Dean Court (Since renamed 'Goldsands' and now 'The Vitality Stadium') <(Wot will they caall it next?)

Wethaa goalie Rob Elliot will play or not iz yet to be decided but a competitive debut for 18 year old Freddie Woodman iz on the cards shud Elliot not make it!

A win would propel us oot of the bottom 3 and above Bournemoooth who would drop into it---BUT! a defeat would cast us FIVE points adrift of them in the relegation zone!

Anothaa 'must win game'????---YOO BET!



"HISTORY IN THE MAKIN'!"

The roond trip to Bournemoooth iz 720 miles makin' it the LANGEST Premyaa Leegue/top flight jorney in history!

THE TOP 4 PREMYAA LEEGUE JORNIES
1: Bournemoooth: 720 miles roond trip from the Toon
2: Swanzee: 702 miles
3: Portsmoooth: 696 miles
4: Sooothampton: 666 miles 

PS: A 'Geordie Times' archive match report from wor visit to Dean Court in 1989 (az their groond waz called back then!) iz published below!

SOME LADY LUCK AT LAST??

Posted '12:50pm bells' Tuesday 3rd November 2015

At forst look a goal-less draw and just one point at home v Stoke looks a bad result--but!---'az lady luck would have it' AALL the rest of the teams in the bottom 5 lost this weekend, with The Hazbeenz & Villians losin' @ Sporz last neet to complete a pointless weekend for 'them', Bournemoooth, The Canary Custards of Norwich and The SMBs, who got slaughtered @ Everton on Sunday dinnaatime!

The leegue table still doesn't look good readin' of course, but a point gained iz better that nowt!

We honestly beleeeve that the teams mentioned (includin' 'US') will be in the relegation 'mix' til the end of the season and that ANY 3 from the 5 mentioned could be jettisoned to the hell of 'The Championship' come May!---Lets hope it ISN'T 'US' and that we can somehow pick up a win @ Bournemoooth this Saturday to move oot the bottom 3 and finally 'kick start' wor season!
36 shots in the last 2 games and 0 goals to show for it iz the reason we are where we are! ---Some more 'lady luck' iz needed on Saturday in the shape of an away goal or two! (we have scored just ONE away from home so far this season!)

More to follow on wor trip to the south coast later this week!---az per usual 'watch this space'!  

THE TOON 0 THE P*SS POTTS OF STOKE 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 1st November 2015

"RED SKY AT NIGHT--BUT NOT MUCH DELIGHT!"

'Dead' simple reeely! <(it had to be on Halloween!)---Jack Butland the Stoke keeper waz the difference between us winnin' and drawin' this game with a series of blindin' saves, especially in the 2nd half az we attacked The Leazes goal!

Accordin' to 'The Sunday Sun' we have had 50 shots in the last 2 games withoot scorin', while 'Match of the Day' reackons it's 36!---take your pick?, but it doesn't reeely matter does it?---ne goals meeenz ne 3 points!

THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE GOAL (1st half)

Mitrovic came closest to scorin' in the 1st half az we attacked the Gallowgate goal with hiz back heeder hittin' the post but reboundin' back into play to deny us!
Perez, Sissoko and Wijnaldum aall had great efforts saved by Butland and then with just 4 minutes left on the clock a free kick foond sub Lascelles heed (who had came on just 3 mins orlier) ,but we were denied again by the 'P*ss Potters' goalie with a spectacular save to put the baall ower the bar @ The Leazes End and the game ended goal-less!

BUTLAND'S SAVES OFF LASCELLES

We now haven't won on a Saturday home or away game for an incredible NINE MONTHS! az we move into November (wor last win on a Saturday waz against Villa @ SJP in February---wor anly othaa 2 wins were on on a Sunday! (West Ham and Norwich)
(ie: 3 wins in 9 months)
Ne if's or 'Butts' aboot it!----That's just ONE win in ELEVEN leegue games now this sorry season---but it definateleeee shud have been TWO!

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat (Lascelles 83), Mbemba, Coloccini, Dummett, Sissoko, Tiote (De Jong 71), Anita, Wijnaldum, Mitrovic, Perez

Attendance: 47,139? (2,500 P*ss Potts' in level 7 of The Leazes End)    

"47,000 plus???? waz there reeeely"???? ^^^^

THE TOON v THE P*SS POTTS OF STOKE *** THIS AFTERNOON

Posted '10:04am bells' Saturday 31st October 2015

LOOK THROUGH ANY (PUB!) WINDOW YEAH!
'THE GALLOWGATE END' FROM 'THE STRAWBERRY' UPSTAIRS WINDOW

We gan into this Halloween weekend game lookin' for wor forst home win on a Saturday for EIGHT MONTHS! <(that's reet!--it's 8 months since we beat 'The Hazbeenz & Villians' 1-0 in February!)

Wor anly othaa home victories came against West Ham and Norwich--both played on a Sunday afternoon!
That's just THREE wins @ SJP in the Leegue this year!

Anothaa shockin' stat iz that we have anly scored THREE away goals since we beat Hull in January!--Iz it any wonder we couldn't score against The SMBs last Sunday, despite havin' 70% of the play??? (Hull iz wor ANLY victory away from home this year!)

The P*ss Potts will wear their traditional red & white stripes this afternoon---which begs the question---why? did we play in wor away strip @ The SOS!? (Floggin' away shirts and NOT tradition iz 'oot the window' theeeze days!)

Lets hope its not a 'Halloween horror show' and that a few 'tricks and treats' are forthcomin' for the St James' Park faithful! (Average gates so far this season a credible 48,700 plus!)

A full match report will definatleee appear here sometime tomorrow! <(PS sorry for not deein a match report from last week--but it waz toooo painful to write!)