JOHN (THE PIE) CARVER *** LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD!

Posted '10:38am bells' Munday 11th May 2015

Followin' John Carver's magnificent record of securin' ONE point in the last TEN weeks, NUFC have given him a lifetime achievement award to show their gratitude!

(Special thanx to wor rovin' paparazzi reporter 'International Russcue' for this excluuusive photo which waz taken at the awards ceremony on hiz zoom lenz camera!)

THE TOON 1 THE BAGGIE TROOOSERS 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 10th May 2015

"AND TEN WEEKS LATER!---A POINT TO PROVE!"

Anothaa desperate day at Gallowgate ended with us pickin' up a valuable point against 'The Baggie Trooosers' and end the rot of 8 successive defeats!--wor forst point in TEN WEEKS!

West Brom went close orly on when they hit the post at The Gallowgate End and then we fell for wor usual 'sucker punch' set piece defendin', when West Brom took the lead through a heeded goal from Anichebe from a free kick on the left!

Sissoko then went close for us but the feet of Myhill in the visitors goal saved the day for them!
At this point in time with othaa scores comin' through we were actually in a relegation place for NINE minutes, but Perez saved wor day after a Ryan Taylor free kick foond hiz feet and he rifled the baall into the far corner of The Leazes goal to bring us back on level torms!

The 2nd half waz desperate az well az we tried in vain to find a way past the West Brom defence!
Lady luck waz again on wor side when a mad scramble in 'The Leazes' box ended up with the visitors hittin' the woodwork once again!

It ended 1-1 to stop the rot and the anly savin' grace of the day waz Hull's defeat to Bornley who, ironically, were relegated because of othaa results!

We now drop to FOURTH bottom of the table with anly Hull, QPR and now relegated Bornley below us!

John 'The Pie' Carver and self proclaimed: "Best coach in the Premyaa Leegue!" said after the game that anly 'one team' wanted to win this!---conveniently forgettin' that the visitors hit the wookwork twice! <(self delusion or not?)

Two points above Hull with just two games left against bottom side QPR away (who will probably be relegated this afternoon!) and 'Big Fat Sam's 'mid-table' 'Jellied Eels Mob' on the last day of the season @ St James'----an easy run in?--divvint bet on it! 

One Sunday paper reported that: "If there was a pot-hole into which to stumble and break your ankle, rely on the Geordies to find it!" <(Tooo true mate!)

Toon team: Krul, Anita (Abeid 92), Coloccini, Dummett, Gutierrez, Sissoko, Ryan Taylor, Colback, Perez (Sammy Ameobi 85), Riviere (Cisse 69), Cabella

Attendance: 47,894 (1,800 Baggie Trooosers in level 7 of The Leazes End) *   

Amazingly wor average gates are still above the 50,000 mark! 50,262 to be exact--although the two previous home attendances were much lower than stated because of boycotts!
ie: They included season ticket 'non attenders' *

PS: Congratulations to North Sheeeldz who won the FA Vase @ Wembley yesterday by beatin' Glossop North End 2-1 !

They are the FIFTH Tyneside team to lift the coverted trophy!
The othaaz are: Blue Star (Newcastle), Whitley Bay, Whickham and 'The Bad Blue Boys' of Dunston!

THE TOON v THE BAGGIE TROOSERS *** THIS AFTERNOOON!

Posted '11:19am bells'  Saturday 9th May 2015

"ONCE UPON A TIME!"

DIVVINT WORRY!---Everything will be 'aalreet' by toooneet' az John Carver haz stated he iz: "The best coach in The Premyaa Leegue!"
He aalso haz a piece of paper, immaculately hand written in Spanish by club captain Coloccini, which tells us to: "Get behind the club and not to worry!" ^(Aa nevaa realised that Carver could read 'Spanish'?)
(Coloccini even sent ME a personal 'e-mail' the othaa day, repeatin' wot waz in the letter!) <'The Geordie Times' DOES have influence after aall!

The SMBs play Everton away at dinnertime ('12:45 bells') and we can anly hope and pray (once again!) that 'The Toffee Noses' de us a big favour and 'put them to the sword'---we shall naa by '3 bells' this afternoon, just where we stand!

It reeely iz 'squeaky bum time' now and anything but a win for us will be a mitigatin' disaster! (Especially if Hull beat Bornley at home!)

Just wot team 'Pie-man' Carver will send oot iz anybodys guess??? but they have promised <(for the NINTH time in a row) to put in a committed performance---lets hope so or we are 'cattle trucked'

Full 'Geordie Times' match report to follow sometime on Sunday (dependin' on 'where we are' in the Leegue by tooneet!)

PS: Best of luck to North Sheeeldz who are playin' Glossop in the FA Vase final this afternoon at Wembley!

GANNIN' SLIGHTLEEE MAD!

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 8th May 2015

 "I AM THE BEST COACH IN THE PREMYAA LEEGUE!"

Of course results under 'Pie-man' Carver's 5 month tenure bare hiz statement oot!
ONE home win since the beginning of January and ONE away win in the same period! (Won 2, drawn 3, LOST 12!:  Goals for, 14 goals against, 33)

That's TWO wins in total oot of SEVENTEEN games and EIGHT defeats in a row to give him a 'new club record'!
(Jose must be quaking in hiz boots!)



A certain 'Queen' record comes to mind!

 

 

PS: "We hear that the  NUFC team bus begs to differ with Carver's statement!"

"SIXTY YEARS AND STILL WAITIN'!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 7th May 2015

60 years ago today NUFC won wor LAST domestic trophy when Jimmy Scouler lifted the FA Cup @ Wembley!
We beat Man City 3-1 in front of a 100,000 crowd!
'Wor Jackie' Milburn, Bobby Mitchell and George Hannah scored wor goals!

I can remember wavin' my rattle that day! <(I waz in my PRAM!)

"THAT'S SIXTY YEARS ---AND COONTIN'!"
We ARE an impatient lot!---arnt we!?

NUFC ******** NEW SHIRT SPONSORS!

Posted '1:23pm bells' Wednesday 6th May 2015

Excluuusive news reaches 'The Geordie Times' from one of wor most dedicated and intrepid paparazzi reporters, namely, 'International Russcue', that NUFC will have new shirt sponsors for next season! 

"YI JUST COULDN'T MAKE THIS UP!"

Posted '9:02pm bells' Munday 4th May 2015

"GET YOUR SUNDAY 'CARVERY' HERE!"

TRUE STORY!-- News that will 'rock yoo to the core'---'The Geordie Times' lorns that John 'The Pie' Carver used to be the manager of 'The Denton' pub's  Sunday Leegue side from Newcastle's West Road in the 1980s

They were relegated TWICE from The Sunday Pub Leegue under Carver's leadership!" --This iz NOT a 'wind-up'---it's TRUE!

WOT MORE CAN WE POSSIBLEEEE SAY?????

BOURNEMOOOTH! *** OR! *** "NEW YORK!"??

Posted '7:51pm bells' Munday 4th May 2015

"NO!"---NOT!--THAT 'NEW YORK'!"

News that John 'The Pie' Carver haz been given THREE more games to "Fack us up" haz been conformed by NUFC after 'The Wally with the Brolly' torned us doon to stay at Derby Coonty!

We reeeely divvint naa wot to say???---but we are speechless az to the way the club iz heedin' in the next couple of weeks!

Bournemoooth have been promoted to the Premyaa Leegue and the team who play at 'The New York Stadium' have just avoided relegation to the thord tier of Ing-er-lish futbaall! (Rotherham!)

The question on everybodys lips ---iz!--- just where we will be playin' next season!

THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE 3 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '11:27am bells' Sunday 3rd May 2015


THE TOON MAKE A RARE ATTACK DURIN THE 2nd HALF----
TOOO LATE BY THIS TIME!


"THREE goals against, TWO sendings off and anly ONE outcome!"

Before the match in the club we normally gan te doon here, I predicted that we would lose 2 or 3 nil---that came back to haunt me not lang after az we nosedived toward oblivion!

John Carver's tactic of playin' 10 at the back to try and pinch a point unravelled after barely 30 seconds on the clock when Lestaa took the lead through a heeded goal by Ulloa who beat Coloccini to the baall from a corner kick!

"WOT THE HELL DO I DO NOW!"--Carver surely muttered az he stood in the technical area opposite us, scratchin' hiz heed!

It waz soon 2-0 az the home crowd roared their team on when Morgan beat The Toon defence to toe poke the baall past goalie Tim Krul! Krul appealed for 'offside' but the official were havin' none of it! ----That's TWO-NIL after just 17 minutes!


View from row 'N' seat 409 (away stand tier 1)
("There's anly ONE TIER anyway?")


Pathetic iz the anly way to describe this performance from us and not lang after Morgan's goal The Toon's  Riviere fluffed an easy chance to pull one back!---That's NE goals from him in TWENTY Premyaa Leegue appearences now!

Just after the restart it waz 3-0 "and (not so) good afternoon!" when a needless penalty waz given away by Riviere in the 48th minute!
The 1,900 Toon fans huddled in one corner of the stadium were not impressed az they slagged 'The Fat Contoller,' Carver and the players off!--and one banner summed up wor sorry situation

THE BANNER SAYS: WE DON'T DEMAND A TEAM THAT WINS
WE DEMAND A CLUB THAT TRIES!

TWO 'sendings off' followed when Williamson needlessly hacked doon Vardy in the 62nd minute and then at the death Janmaat followed him to the showers for a 2nd bookable offence!
Williamson's dismissal waz condemned by Carver and he said that in hiz opinion he INTENTIONALLY got himself sent off to miss the next two games!

We have played a total of 803 Premyaa Leegue games and this will surely gan doon az one of wor very worst!
The stats are frightenin' under Carver's stewardship!
EIGHT defeats in a row <(*the WORST in wor entire history!) NE goals in the last FIVE away games, just ONE away win aall year and now just TWO points above the SMBs in the 3rd relegation place with just THREE games to gan to save wor skins!

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Williamson, Coloccini, Dummett, Colback, Ryan Taylor (De Jong 58), Sissoko, Gutierrez, Perez (Armstrong 73), Riviere (Anita 63)

Attendance: 31,576 (includin' 1,915 totally 'p*ssed off' Toon fans!)

*Footnote: Under Richard Dinnis we lose ten leegue games in a row in the 1970s, but in between these losses we won 3-0 against Bohemians in the UEFA Cup to break that sequence---ie: EIGHT defeats in a row under Carver iz wor worst ever in AALL competitive games!) 

Carver later summed up the match when he said:
"On a scale of 1 to 10 that waz MINUS 10!"


The pre and post match 'gargels' took place here!:



AFTER THE MATCH IN THE REGENT CLUB---DEFINATLY NOT 'OLD HAPPY HEN'!

SHEFFIELD (ON THE WAY BACK!)

 

THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE v THE TOON *** SATURDAY DINNAATIME!

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 1st May 2015

Next up on the list iz a trip to Lestaa on Saturday it wot haz now become (yet anothaa!) not lose game az we gan into May, still not knowin' just which  division we will be in next season!
Lestaa lost on Wednesday neet to Chelski to end their '4 win streak' and now face a Toon side hopin' to avoid wor 8th loss on the bounce!

We can see 'Pieman' Carver's tactics now!----10 at the back and hope and pray for a point in a goal-less draw! <(lets hope we divvint play in that 'horrid' grey number?) <(it brings us ne luck!)

Shud we fail (and we probably will!) 'The Basil Brush Brigade' will then be just ONE point behind us with THREE games to gan!
Wor allocation of just 1,900 tickets iz selt oot ,az iz the rest of the groond and there iz sure to be a white hot atmosphere to greet us!

We are travellin' doon by train tomorrow @ 7:30 bells' via York, Sheffield and Derby and will be in 'the club' where we normally gan, with (hopefully!) plenty of time to get 'comatosed' before the match which kicks off at 12:45 for the telly!  <(Note the wrang kick off time printed on the match ticket above!) ^^^

History lesson: We forst played @ Leicester 'Fosse' <(az they were then known)  121 years ago on 20th October 1894 in the old 2nd Division, when we drew 4-4 in a thrillin' encoontaa!.
Charlie Dixon, Bill Thompson, Jock Smith and Bobby Willis got wor goals in front of an 8,000 crowd

Aall time record: Played 118, Won 51, Drawn 28, Lost 39

Geordie Times history: a 1st Division game 44 years ago when we lost 3-0 @ Filbert Street---28,792 were present to witness it!
If yoo 'fink things are bad now--then 'fink' again!---Exactly to the day of tomorrows game on 2nd May 1992, we played Lestaa to avoid relegation to the 3rd Division! ('Geordie Times' archive match report now below!)

A full 'Geordie Times' match report and pix on tomorrow's game will appear here on Sunday sometime