DIABOLICAL DASTARDLY DEEDS FROM DERBYSHIRE!

Posted '10:52am bells' Munday 27th April 2015

Just when yoo think it cannit get any worse, then Derby Coonty 'hoy a spanner into the works' and switch their resorve game against us from Conference side Alfreton's groond to their trainin' groond at the last minute!

We were aall lookin' forward to a trip to a Conference groond we had nevaa been te before <(aall 4 of us!) and then they move it to a fenced off field in Derbyshire! <(Diabolical!)

Havin' taken a days holiday to de this groond we are still gannin (just 3 of us now, coz 'Biffa the Beer' haz been there before!).
The anly consolation IZ! we have nevaa been to Derby's trainin' groond before and can still 'chalk it off' az a new groond!

The game kicks off at it's original time of '3 bells' tomorrow afternoon at 'Oakwood Trainin' Centre', Derby!

A full 'Geordie Times' 'mad-sad groundhoppers' match report will follow---eventually!

THE TOON 2 SWANZEE 3 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '11:20am bells' Sunday 26th April 2015

"7 SAD SMILEY'S IN A ROW!"

Before the game 'Pieman' Carver told us that he had prepared for the game az though it waz a World Cup final!

And az we  aall naa in wor recent history we aalways lose cup finals--- and this waz ne exception!

We actually took the lead in the 20th minute through a misstayk by a Swanzee defender, when he passed the baall straight to Perez @ The Leazes End and he had the simple task from 3 feet oot to tap it into the net!
Anothaa chance fell to Riviere, but he waz unable to convort and then 'The Swan Lakers' went for the jugular.
Two missed heeders from unmarked players were put wide but then deep into injury time in the 1st half they finally got their just rewards when Oliveira heeded home the equaliser!

Double tragedy struck at the start of the 2nd half when a Sigerdsson shot from a few yards oot beat Tim Krul in the Leazes goal!

Treble tragedy waz to follow when Cork put the visitors 3 up and the game waz beyond us!
A late consolation followed when De Jong <(remember him?) fired home @ The Gallowgate End in the 88th minute---but it waz aall in vain az we lost yet again!
Results elsewhere mean that we are nuw just FIVE points above the SMB's who nuw fill the last relegation place!

Aa sent wor lass the bad news via text message and aa aalways put a 'smiley' on it at the end--a happy one if we win---a winkin' one if we draw and a SAD smiley if we lose!---That's SEVEN sad smiley's in a row!

 

 

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat (Abeid 61), Williamson, Coloccini, Colback, Anita, Ryan Taylor, Perez, Cabella (De Jong 74), Gutierrez, Riviere (Armstrong 74)

 

Attendance: 46, 884 <(ne way---more like 40,000 again!) 1,000 Swan Lakers   * Ne sign of 'The Fat Controller' again in the directors box! <(wonder why???)

 



THE TOON (GEORDIELAND) v SWANZEE ( SOOTH WALES) *** WORLD CUP FINAL 2015! ***THIS AFTERNOOON!

Posted '11:18am bells' Saturday 25th April 2015

This afternoon we face 'The Swan Lakers' from sooth Wales in wot heed coach John 'Pieman' Carver describes in the 'Ronny-Gill' az a 'World Cup Final game'!

Quote: "We have been preparing for it like a World Cup final!---That's how important it iz!"

Carver aalso says that the planned protests ARE affectin' the players, despite sayin' exactly the opposite after the Sporz game last Sunday!?--- <("Yi want to mek yi mind up, bonny lad!")

CEDRIC THE SWAN (AND SIGNETS!)

The attendance iz highly likely to be less than against Sporz, simply because 'Cedric the Swan' and hiz 'Signets' will bring less than a third of the support that Sporz brought on Sunday, which waz 3,000 >>>

We gan into the game tryin' to avoid wor SEVENTH defeat on the bounce and Carver iz desperate not to beat Pardew from last season who aalso lost six in a row!
Wor home record under Carver's stewardship iz ONE win in FOWER months!---(The Natives are gettin' restless!)

History lesson: We forst played Swansea 'Town' <(az they were then known) in an FA Cup tie @ St James' durin' the 2nd World War on January 15th 1915 when we drew 1-1 in front of a 30,005 crowd. Bill McCracken got wor goal from the penalty spot! (We won the replay 2-0!)

Geordie Times history: 35 years ago this month, when we lost 3-1 in front of just 14,314 fans in an old Division 2 game. (Alan Shoulder got wor solitary goal through a penalty)

42 meetings: 22 wins, 7 draws and 13 defeats in total

A full 'Geordie Times' match report and pix of us liftin' the World Cup will appear here on Sunday! 

"THE WALLY WITH THE BROLLY TORNS DOON THE 'LOLLY'!"

Posted '12:57pm bells' Friday 24th April 2015

"WHY DOES IT ALWAYS RAIN ON ME!?"

At a fans 'get together' yesterday, Derby Coonty manager 'let it slip' that he had 'torned doon the NUFC job in January after Pardew had 'jumped ship' for Palace!

The former Ing-er-land manager had orlier denied he had been offered the job in December and January!

Rumour haz it that 'The Fat Controller' offered him a substantial package deal which included a 'zero hours minimum wage contract', a jar of 'Brylcreem'  >>>
and a brand new multi coloured 'golf brolly' to replace the one he lost when he famously stood on the Wembley touchline clutchin' it above hiz heed, durin' an Ing-er-land defeat against Croatia, az the rain p*ssed doon'!

"I've been ridiculed enough about the brolly!---I don't want to go through all that again, so I turned them down!", he said later!

TOXIC TIMES ON TYNESIDE!

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 22nd April 2015

SOMEWHERE OVER ST JAMES' PARK LAST SUNDAY!

Wor next game iz against Swanzee at home this comin' Saturday in wot haz become a 'must not lose' game!

Theeze are indeed desperate times and if we de lose, we will find worsels in deep deep trouble shud those below us pick up points this weekend!

'Toxic' iz the anly way to describe last Sunday's game with fans (who didn't gan)  arguin' with fans (who did) az they left the groond after anothaa disastrous defeat to Sporz!

The players looked dead on their feet on Sunday and confidence on and off the pitch in the stands iz at an aall time low!

'Pieman Carver', az ever,came oot with a defiant statement on the telly after the game that he iz: "a fighter and ne quitter!"---He sounded just like a 'past hiz best' prize fighter, who had just had aall hiz teeth knocked oot, had been given two black eyes, a broken nose and two cauliflower lugs by hiz opponent!---but who wouldn't hoy the towel in! 

RICHARD DINNIS waz just az defiant the 1970s, in the season when we were relegated---and under hiz tenure we lost TEN leegue games in a row (plus a cup tie against Millwaall!)

Do yoo see where I am comin' from!????

THE TOON 1 SPORZ 3 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '11:30am bells' Munday 20th April 2015

WHERE THE HELL DO WE START????

With protests and boycotts planned it waz aalways gannin' to be a 'torturous day' @ St James' Park!

On arrival at the groond we were greeted by around aboot a thoosand protesters opposite The Gallowgate End, urgin' us not to gan in!
Az a'v aalready paid for mee season ticket and havvent missed a game for 'many many yonks', aa couldn't stop meesel from gannin through the tornstiles and up to mee seat on The Milburn Stand balcony!

Confirmation that the boycott had dissuaded around 7,000 from attendin' waz evident with quite a few empty seats dotted around the groond, az the game kicked off!

The anly noise could be hord from the 3,000 Sporz fans assembled on level 7 of The Leazes End!

Approachin the 17th minute a light plane hired by the SMBs with a banner on the back started circlin' the stadium!---- whethaa it waz just coincidence that it flew ower at this time iz sommik we don't know???

In the 30th minute a bad missteak by Gouffran let in Sporz and Chadli had the easy chance of puttin' the visitors 1-0 up!

We equalised just after the restart through Colback but it waz aall in vain az Sporz soon restored their lead from a free kick on the edge of the box which Tim Krul completely misjudged and it flew past him into the corner of the net @ The Leazes End!

We were terrible at times and then in the last throws of the game Harry Kane raced through wor defence to score Sporz 3rd goal which quickly emptied the groond az fans left in silence!

The crowd waz given az 47,000 plus but there couldn't have been more than 40,000 present includin' the 3,000 Sporz fans!

That's SIX defeats in a row and just ONE home win in FOWER months!----Roll on the end of the season----PLEEEZE!---this iz absolute TORTURE!

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Williamson, Colback, Coloccini, Anita (Armstrong 75), Abeid (Obertan 46), Ryan Taylor ,Gouffran (Sammy Ameobi 46), Perez Cabella

'Official'? attendance: 47,427 <(ne way!--probably 40,000?) 3,000 happy Sporz fans!)  *      

THE TOON v SPORZ *** TOODAY @ '4 BELLS'

Updated '11:05am bells' Sunday 19th April 2015

"IZ THERE ANYBODY THERE!???"

Much haz been written in the press and publicised on the telly and Twitter etc. aboot the inpendin' boycott of the Sporz game this afternoon. (live on SKY)
'The Geordie Times' 'take' on the matter---IZ!----Aa (we) WILL be gannin to the match az 'The Fat Controller' aalready haz mee  money for this season ---and indeed a'v actually had TWO direct debits taken oot of mee 'piggy bank' for NEXT SEASON aalready!

We fully back any fans decision to stand next to Leazes Park lake in the shadow of St James' <(feedin' the ducks!) , watch it in 'The Strawberry' <(feedin' your throat with drink!) or tek your lass shoppin' @ Tescos instead <(feedin' your credit card into the check-oot machine!) <(better than watchin' the dross on the pitch!), but divvint forget that if yoo are a current season ticket holder, your seat will automatically be added to the attendance whethaa yoo gan or not! (ie: he's aalready got your 'bit' so he couldn't giv a FACK!)

Wor lowest crowd this season so far iz 47,763 against Stoke and it will be interestin' to see how much lower than that the attendance will be, come this afternoon?
Sporz fans, we understand WILL NOT be joinin' in the boycott and will have 3,000 in level 7 of The Leazes End!

Results from yesterday, mean (at the time of writin') we are now just SEVEN points above 'the abyss' and NINE from the very bottom of the table!

We feel the same az everybody else aboot the current mediocrity, but az haz been proved in the past, boycotts tend not to work for us, especially az we have 40,000 plus, season ticket holders!---
That's a minimum crowd of 43,000 plus, includin' the Sporz contingent!

Protesters, we understand will start to gather outside The Gallowgate End before the game, ne doubt tryin' to persuade fellow fans to join them! 
But it's aall in vain I'm afraid az even if nebody torned up, 'The Fat Controller' still haz the TV money to fill hiz pockets! <(plus wor season ticket money of course!)

The fact that old framed team photos which adorned the various rooms inside St James' have been unceremoniously dumped in a skip last week, proves once and for aall, that they couldn't give a s*it aboot the proud history of wor (once!) great club! 


"SACRILEGE!"



BAD BLUE BOYS 4 NORTH SHEEELDZ ULTRAS 0 *** NORTHERN LEAGUE DIVISION 1

Posted '11:00am bells' Sunday 19th April 2015

THE RIVER TYNE DERBY

With yet anothaa blank Saturday to fill in we decided to heed for Federation Park where 'The Dunston Bad Blue Boys' were takin' on 'The North Sheeelds Ultras' in a Northern Leegue encoontaa!

Sheeeldz of course are on a 'high' havin' reached The FA Vase final at Wembley and their fans were in buoyant mood az they helped to fill the packed clubhoose before the game!

< One of their fans known az 'Bill Quay Kev' had a fantastic tattoo on hiz leg, showin' hiz devotion to hiz team. Kev iz aalso a diehard Toon fan who iz a regular at away games and he waz 'canny sorved' az the game kicked off!

Ne goals in the forst half, but 'The Ultras' were oot in force behind the far goal with their many banners on show!

We missed the forst goal which waz scored at the start of the 2nd half az we were still in the clubhoose polishin' off wor bottles of Broon, but we did see Dunston's 2nd and 3rd goals before disappearin' once more into the clubhouse for some more 'Dog' <(Newcastle Brown Ale!) ---missin' the final goal which waz scored in stoppage time! (not bad seein' 2 goals oot of 4!)

An excellent and friendly crowd were at the game, with the visitors makin' up at least half the gate of 427, which iz double wot Dunston normally get!

We can anly hope that North Sheeldz play better in the final next month against Dunston's FA Vase conqueror's, Glossop North End, az they were by far the 2nd best team on this occasion!

"Best luck in the final, lads and lasses!"

IT'S NOT AALL DOOM AND GLOOM!

Posted '1:05pm bells' Thorsday 16th April 2015

"JOYOUS NEWS FROM DEEEPEST DERBYSHIRE!"

'The Geordie Times' haz some very exitin' news for aall NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers, which will have yoo droolin' at the mouth!

Wor planned U21 resorve game @ Derby Coonty haz now been switched from Pride Park to Alfreton Toon's groond in north Derbyshire!
The game will tek place @ '3 bells' in the afternoon on Tuesday 28th April <(the floodlights must be knackered?) and aalready half a car-load of us are plannin' on gannin'!
Last season the game waz supposed to be played at Alfreton's Impact Arena, but waz changed to Pride Park at the last minute for live telly <(beleeeve it or not!?)

We can anly hope and pray that this doesn't happen this time and we can finally chalk this groond off wor nevaa endin' list, at last!

THE LIVERBIRDS 2 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Updated 'high noon bells' Wednesday 15th April 2015

"YOUR NOTHIN' SPECIAL!--WE LOSE EVERY WEEK!"


A SIGN NEAR ANFIELD
"DO THEY MEAN 'US'!?"

A FIFTH defeat in a row waz not unexpected and that's exactly wot happened @ Anfield last neet!

Anothaa inept display where we went behind with less than 9 minutes on the clock when Sterling 'cashed in', meant that the travellin' faithful were left to slag off the opposition and the mackems throughout the match az the inpendin' defeat unfolded before us.
The Liverbirds seemed to penetrate wor defence at will and we were very fortunate indeed to gan in just one behind at the break!

A loud penalty appeal at The Kop End 'by us' when Perez waz hacked doon fell on 'deaf ears' to the ref <(even Brendan Rodgers thought it waz a pen!) and apart from fluffin' a couple of easy chances, we simply wernt 'at the races' <(The Grand National took place in Liverpool just 2 days before!)

RYAN TAYLOR CORNER @ THE ANFIELD ROAD END
(£52 VIEW FROM ROW 12, SEAT 35!)

A 2nd goal came in the 70th minute through Allen (after a defensive missteak by Williamson) and we were well and truly beaten by this time. <(game ower!)
Sissoko then got himself needlessly sent off for a reckless challenge in the 83rd minute with the 800 foot soldiers in the Anfield Road End reduced to singin': "Your nothin' special--we lose every week!"----don't we just!----

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Ryan Taylor, Colback, Williamson, Anita, Abeid (Armstrong 75), Sissoko, Cabella, Obertan (Gutierrez 67), Perez (Gouffran 86)

Attendance: 44,611 (just 800 Toon fans)


Lookin towards The Kemlyn Road Stand


Fan plus points: Both sets of fans impeccably observed a minute silence to the Hillsborough victims.
The Liverbirds gave testicular cancer victim 'Spiderman' Gutierrez a standin' ovation az he came off the subs bench.

Fan minus points: We repeatedly sang aboot a certain mackem player who haz been accused of bein' a 'peedo' and a certain scouser who 'slipped on hiz arse' <(he wasnt even playin'!) 

The usual "Yoo nicked my stereo!" and "In your Liverpool slums!" songs were sung (yet again!) alang with "Sign on you'll never get a job!" <(to the tune of You'll never walk alone)
Give it a rest lads and lasses!--we've been singin' some of theeze crap, humourless and tiresome songs for more than 30 years now!