THE TOON U21s 1 THE ARSE U21s 2 @ ST JAMES' PARK *** MONDAY NEET

Posted '11:11pm bells' Tuesday 10th February 2015 <(better late than never!)

Match report by wor new female futbaall correspondent
'Rosie Bear'!

Followin' on from 'Beanpole' Crouch's 90th minute equaliser for Stoke the day before, 'The Toon' fell to their 2nd cruel blow in two days @ SJP when a last gasp goal from 'The Arse' U21s gave the visitors aall 3 points at a less than packed groond!

'The Arse' took the lead in the 36th minute when Iwobo weaved through The Toon's defence to beat goalie Freddie Woodman @ The Gallowgate End!

Then in the 55th minute Dan Barlaser shot through a crowd of defenders to level things and send the 1,000 plus crowd, mostly housed in The East Stand, wild with delight!

That 'delight' didn't last, however, and deep into stoppage time Lipman heeded home @ The Leazes End to secure the 3 points for The Arse's 2nd string in this U21s 2nd Division game.
The Toon, despite this result, remain 'top of the tree' in forst place in the table!

Attendance: 1,305 (highest of the season home or away!)  *

THE TOON 1 THE P*SS POTTERS of STOKE 1 ***PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted '10:42am bells' Munday 9th February 2015

"THE QUESTION ON EVERYBODYS LIPS PRIMEMINISTER---IS!"----
"IS WATCHING US TALK ABOUT THE ECONOMY AND DEFICIT 
MORE INTERESTING THAN WATCHING
NEWCASTLE v STOKE ON SKY?"
"WELL! THE ANSWER HAS GOT TO BE YES!!!"

"MR BEAN SPOILS THE PARTY!!!" 

A visit to The Newcastle Arms before the match told it's own story on just wot the attendance waz likely to be, az the bar waz half empty just two hours befor kick off, when normally it would be 'packed to the rafters'

A few 'liquid lubrications' later and it waz time to heed for The Milburn Stand level 7 to take up wor seats and the huge gaps in The Leazes End away section told us that this would be the lowest crowd of the season (Stoke had sold less than half of their 3,000 allocation of tickets!)

If yoo were watchin' this match in the hoose then yoo surely would have reached for the 'remote' and switched the telly ower to sommik more interestin' like 'The Politics Show' with Andrew Marr!

For us who were sat freeezin' inside SJP it waz a different story az we didn't have that option and just had to sit and suffer this dross on the pitch below us!

CABELLA SENDS IN A FREE KICK @ THE LEAZES END (1st half)

A truly aafil game between two mid-table sides who were lookin' ower their shoulders at even worse dross below us in the table!

By half time we were wishin' that it waz 'full time' az both teams gave the baall away time after time and that 5-1 victory against them last season seemed a very lang time ago! (and highly improbable today!)


VIEW FROM THE MILBURN STAND BALCONY TOWARDS THE EAST STAND


Jack Colback proved to be wor savior when it looked certain that the game would end goal-less when he fired home in the 74th minute @ The Gallowgate End to awake the lifeless crowd from their slumbers!
Reely!--he shouldn't have been on the pitch az a bad tackle from him on a Stoke players not lang before, waz waved on when a bookin' waz deserved. He should have been sent off az this waz hiz 2nd bookin' of the game but the ref Mr 'Friend' thankfully missed the incident!
Super-sub'? Gabriel Obertan then missed a great chance to win the game when he 'fluffed hiz lines' inside the box---and a forthaa chance from Perez who weaved through the visitor defence, only to blast the baall high ower the bar, when it waz easier to score, would prove to be very costly indeed just a few minutes later!


THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END GOAL


The P*ss Potts' then sent on their 'secret weapon', namely 'Bean Pole Crouch' with just 10 minutes to gan and some frantic defendin' @ The Leazes End from us looked to have secured the 3 points---BUT!---with just seconds to gan before the board waz raised for stoppage time up stepped 'Mr Beanpole' to heed home at the near post with Tim Krul in The Toon goal well and truly beaten!

A predictable result, but with 2 valuable points chucked away (yet again!) it leaves us stuck in 11th place, 11 points above the drop zone!

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Haidara, Anita (Cisse  65), Coloccini, Williamson, Sissoko, Colback, Perez, Cabella ( Obertan 69), Sammy Ameobi (Abeid 86)

Attendance: 47,763 (the lowest of the season which waz originally predicted by 'The Geordie Times'--but we changed wor minds when we hord that they had slashed prices to try and get bums on seats, but it didn't work this time!---wonder why???) (No more than 1,300 P*ss Potts' who sang 'Delilah', by Tom Jones umpteen times---WHY?---Tom Jones comes from sooth Wales, NOT Staffordshire!???)   *


In othaa news The U21s are takin' on 'The Arse U21s @ SJP @ '7 bells' tooneet, if yoo fancy freeezin' to death again!

Az iz usual in theeze situations when 'The mad-sad groundhopper' can't get to a resorve or junior game because of 'graft', we will be sendin' a new member of wor team to report on toneets proccedings!---watch this space tomorrow to find oot just who he/she iz!
PS: will be updated on Tuesday neet sometime <(remember! we bring yoo aall the news forst hand, second!

THE TOON v THE P*SS POTTERS of STOKE *** TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Updated '9:50pm bells' Saturday 7th February 2015

ACTION @ THE BRITANNIA STADIUM ORLIER THIS SEASON (we lost 1-0)

Tomorrow @ '2:05 bells' Mark 'sour puss' Hughes brings hiz 'P*ss Potts' to SJP for a live SKY telly game!
Just why? SKY chose 'this one' iz anybodys guess az I'm sure that most fans who have ne interest in eethaa team will NOT be rushin' to their local to watch it!???

Because of slow ticket sales and the fact that wor visitors wont bring many fans, prices have been slashed and yoo can buy a 'big kids' ticket for £20 for level 7 of The Leazes End and a sprogs ticket for a fiver!

The lowest crowd of the season waz predicted by us, but givin' the above prices, that might not be the case and we could even get a 50,000 plus crowd! <(we must be mad!)

(Wor lowest crowd so far this season iz 49,119 when we played 'Broken Nose Bruce's' Hull side!)

 

Team news: Gabriel Obertan, Paul Dummett and Ryan Taylor are back in the squad,  but Taylor's namesake Steve iz still side-lined, while Rolando Aarons and Rob Elliot are still 'crocked' and Cheik Tiote iz on African Cup duty with the Ivory Coast!

History lesson: Wor forst ever meetin' with Stoke @ SJP happened 117 years ago on 20th April 1898 when we won 2-1 in a 'test match' (play-off) for promotion to the (then) 1st Division.
17,000 were in attendance and Johnny Harvey and Will Smith got wor goals!

'Geordie Times' history: A 3-1 win in front of 39,408 (includin' me!) on 24th March 1967, some 48 years ago, with Peter Noble gettin' a 'brace' and John McNamee gettin' the othaa goal!

Last season we beat them 5-1 on Boxin' Day, with Remy (2), Gouffran, Cabaye and Cisse (pen) scorin' wor goals in front of 51,665---A repeat of that tomorrow afternoon would be very nice indeed! 

In total we have played 'The P*ss Potts' 89 times in wor history, winnin' 43, drawin' 20 and losin' 26 times!

Posted Saturday dinnaatime:
In othaa news we can tell yoo that North Shields FA Vase tie against Phoenix Sports this afternoon iz ON!---az iz Gatesheed's FA Trophy tie against Wrexham @ Gatesheed Stadium (both '3 bells' kick offs)
Dunston's Vase game at Glossop waz caalled of yesterday due to a frozen pitch!

PS (much later!)
North Shields won 4-1 in front of a 1,000 plus crowd, while 'The Heedbangers' drew 2-2, but lost 5-4 in a penalty shootout after extra time! 

 

 

EVERTON U18s v THE TOON U18s @ FINCH FARM

Posted Saturday dinnatime!---LIVE FROM SCOUSERLAND!



LIVE ACTION FROM THE 1st HALF THANX TO 'SECRET PIGEON'S' CAMERA!


We have 'flown' wor secret undercover reporter ---non othaa than 'Secret Pigeon' to Finch Farm, (at great expense!) where Everton U18s are playin' wor U18s---the game kicked off @ '12:30 bells' and we can bring yoo live upates now from 'Secret Pigeon's mobile 'telling bone'!

'12:34 bells' (4th minute): Everton gan aheed after Toon keeper Harker kicks the baall straight to one of their strikers and he puts the home side 1-0 up!

'12:57 bells': 2-0 to home side ---Toon hardly in Everton half!

'1:05 bells': 3-0!---anothaa howler from wor keeper! Cross at ground level and wor keeper pushes the baall into hiz own net!---I could have stopped it with my wing! <(Secret Pigeon!)

 

'1:08 bells' : That's 4!---I hope my battery does not die at this rate!

HT 4-0 to Everton! ---The Secret Pigeon haz had az many touches az the Everton keeper!

"ER!"---It's time for 'The Geordie Times' to 'gan on the hoy' and we will update yoo the final score later!---lets hope it isn't a cricket score!

Update '2:55 pm bells'
Back from the boozer for sommik to scran!

'1:43 bells': That's 5!---with the 'Six Nations' underway this could be a rugby score!

'1:57 bells': Everton no 15 sent off for horrific tackle on Heaney

'2:02 bells': George ne well? scores a screamer from ONE yard--hopefully starting the biggest comeback since the Arsenal game (4-4!) 5-1 to Everton!

Final score 5-1 ---Off back to my perch to warm up! "Coo Coo!"

Crowd: 46 (includin' the security guard who telt me not to stand behind the goal in case I got hit by the ball!)

THE ULTIMATE DISASTER DAY!

Posted '12:37pm bells' Friday 6th February 2015


"WE'RE DOOMED!!!"


43 years ago yesterday, NUFC suffered wor worst defeat in wor entire history when we got knocked oot of the FA Cup by a certain non leegue team whose name begins with the letter 'H'

'The Geordie Times' waz unfortunate 'in the extreeeme' to witness this 'disaster' aall those years ago and it gives mee NE PLEASURE WHATSOEVER to publish this archive groond report (below!)from 1972

mackem u18s 0 THE TOON U18s 0 aet (The Toon win 3-1 on penalties!) @ The SOS!

Posted '10:49pm bells' Wednesday 4th February 2015

                        ^ "WOOD YOU BELIEVE IT!" ^

Toon goalie Freddie Woodman waz the hero of the night on 'wearyside', when he valiantly saved 2 penalties (with the othaa 1 missed!) az The Toon Youth team won the tie by scorin' 3 penalties to the SMBs 1, after a goal-less 120 minutes @ 'The SOS', to progress to the qwaata final stage of the FA Youth Cup and a plumb tie against current holders Chelski @ SJP!

Adam Armstrong, Ben Drennan and Sean Longstaff were the othaa Toon 'heroes' from the penalty spot, in front of just 1,733, includin' around aboot 400 Toon fans in the South Stand! <(Some Toon fans didn't get in til half an hour after kick off, az there waz anly ONE tornstile open and there were massive queues!)

mackem U18s v THE TOON U18s *** TOONEET @ The SOS!

Posted '5:59pm bells' Wednesday 4th February 2015

In just ower an hours time wor youth team take on the mackem's equivalent in the FA Youth Cup 5th roond!

The game kicks off @ '7 bells' and Toon fans will be housed in The South Stand of The Stadium of "Shhh ye naa wot!" and admission iz £3 for big kids and £1 for everybody else!

The winners will then take on current cup holders Chelski @ home in the next roond

'The Geordie Times' will of course have a match report from the game sometime toneet/tomorrow!

NEWCASTLE RANGERS REBORN!

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 3rd February 2015

WHERE NEWCASTLE RANGERS WERE BORN!---LEAZES TERRACE 1800s
(The tree on the left iz where the East Stand iz now)

Az predicted ne transfors came in but we have loaned oot SIX players on the final day of the window. Davide Santon haz went to Inter Milan while FIVE squad players are on their way to Rangers!

In 1880 Newcastle Rangers were born and they played on a patch of grass next to Leazes Terrace and St James Street and they named the 'field' St James' Park!---They folded 2 years later and Newcastle West End took ower the said 'field'.

Newcastle 'Rangers' have therefore been 'reborn' 132 years later, (thanx to a certain 'Fat Controller'!) with half of Glasgow Rangers ootfield now consistin' of Toon loaneez!
They are: Shane Ferguson, Remie Streete, Gael Bigiramana, Haris Vuckic and Keven Mbabu!

"IT'S TRANSFOR DEADLINE DAY FOLKS!"

Posted '10:10am bells' Munday 2nd February 2015

Today iz the final day of the transfor window and we await with baited breath to see if any of wor best players will be sold at the last minute to forthaa line 'The Fat Controller's' very fat wallet!

Davide Santon iz reported to be gannin to Inter Milan on loan for the rest of the season<(to lighten wor wage bill!) but nowt else at 'the mo'!

Az for incomin' transfors for large sums of money!---FORGET IT!---COMPLETLY!!!

In othaa news, wor resorve U21 game against WBA this afternoon haz now been switched from 'Blue Flames' to Darsley Park and iz now behind closed doors!
But fear not!---'The Geordie Times' iz sendin' 'Secret Pigeon' to fly ower the pitch and bring coo excluuusive news of the game, which will be online sometime tomorrow!----az per usual---watch this space!

Update Munday afternoon!: The Resorves drew 1-1 with their west midland coonterparts with Tom Heardman gettin' wor goal orly on before Albion equalised not lang after "Cooo Cooooo!"

BROKEN NOSE BRUCE'S TIGER LILLYS 0 THE TOON 3 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 1st February 2015

"YOU PUT YOUR LEFT FOOT IN!"

'GEORDIE TIMES' EXCLUUUSIVE!
SAMMY AMEOBI'S GOAL (IN GREY, DIRECTLY ABOVE LINESMAN)

At last we have sommik to 'cheer' in the new year with wor forst victory of 2015 in freeezin' temeratures!
A 'must not lose game' waz won by us, az the home side were p*ss poor and couldn't finish easy chances!

Orly on Coloccini had to clear off the line and this waz a warnin' of just wot could happen if we wornt careful!
A dour 40 minutes later and oot of the blue Remy Cabella produced a left footer from the edge of the box to score in front of the Toon contingent to the right hand side of the goal!
Then Hull number 27 Elmohamdy <(hope av spelt that reet?) scored wot looked like a perfectly good heeder from where we were at the far side of the groond, to put the dampeners on things, but the linesman had spotted sommik undue and the goal waz disallowed!

News filtered through from Tyneside 130 miles away (from those watchin' on the telly!) that the goal had been chalked off coz he had punched the baall into the net!
He (disgracefully!) protested hiz 'innocence'? loudly at the end of the half, but Phil Dowd the ref waz havin' non of it and told him to 'eff off' (or words to that effect!) (see photos  from the telly cameras!)

In the 50th minute Sammy Ameobi unleashed an unstoppable shot with hiz left foot from 30 yards oot to double wor advantage az the 2,500 Toon fans celebrated wildly! (see Geordie Times exclusive photo of the goal at the top of the page taken on my mobile 'telling bone'!)

There were a couple of scary moments for us after this when Coloccini inexplicably sliced the baall into hiz own box but thankfully it waz cleared!--and then Jelavic missed an open goal and the baall ran oot of play to safety!

TIM KRUL CLEARS UPFIELD AS THE SNOW COMES DOON!
(View from row 'V' seat 93 of the 'Ideal Boilers Stand'!)

'Gooffy' Gouffran then sealed the victory for us when he hit a shot from the edge of the box which waz deflected in of a Hull defender! (wor THORD 'left footer' of the game!)
Some Hull fans then hoyed their hats and scarves onto the touchline in disgust az they left in their droves (with one young fan jumpin' ower the advertisin' hordings to 're-claim one of the scarves!)

A forst victory for John 'Whey aye the pie' Carver, which see's us move 11 points clear of Hull in the 3rd relegation place! The othaa five teams at the bottom aalso lost makin' it a bit easier for Carver and the rest of us to sleep last neet!---
Broken Nose Bruce looked a 'broken man' az he stood forlornly on the touchline durin' the game, havin' to put up with the usual "Sad mackem bustard!" song, from the Toon faithful! (a reference to hiz time az the mackems manager!)

Like aa say ---aall 3 goals were scored by 3 different players with their left feet!)
Aaltogether now!---"Yi put yi left foot in!--- yi put yi left foot out!-- you do the 'Ameobi' and you shake it all about!"

Toon team: Krul, Coloccini, Janmaat, Williamson, Haidera, Anita Colback, Cabella (Gouffran 72), Sissoko, Sammy Ameobi (Abeid 92) <(why?), Perez (Cisse 82)

Attendance: 23,925 (2,500 happy Toon fans includin' injured Paul Dummett, spotted in the away end!)   *

 

 

"The retorn of the Wildebeasts!"

 

"OWWW!"---"WATCH MEE FEET!"

Before the match we had to endure a torturous train jorney from York to Hull where the 3 carraiges were absolutely jam packed with mostly Toon fans, who insisted on pushin' past us back and forwards at 10 second intevals to gan to the one and anly 'tool shed' on the train!

 

The jorney waz one and a half hours and some of them passed us at least 5 times az they wandered aboot aimlessly like 'wildebeasts', not knowin' where to gan or wot to de!???  My right foot waz trodden on at least '4 times'! az well, az they squeeezed through! <('pains in the arses' comes to mind!)

The pre and post match gargels took place in Hull and York!

MODERATION, HULL

 

THE CLARENDON!---NAMED AND SHAMED!---HOME FANS ONLY!---
THE BOONCERS WOULDN'T LET US IN!

 

MODERATION BAR, HULL---GUESS WHICH TEAM SHE SUPPORTS!?

YORK

YORK

YORK

YORK