BROKEN NOSE BRUCE'S TIGER LILLYS 0 THE TOON 3 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 1st February 2015

"YOU PUT YOUR LEFT FOOT IN!"

'GEORDIE TIMES' EXCLUUUSIVE!
SAMMY AMEOBI'S GOAL (IN GREY, DIRECTLY ABOVE LINESMAN)

At last we have sommik to 'cheer' in the new year with wor forst victory of 2015 in freeezin' temeratures!
A 'must not lose game' waz won by us, az the home side were p*ss poor and couldn't finish easy chances!

Orly on Coloccini had to clear off the line and this waz a warnin' of just wot could happen if we wornt careful!
A dour 40 minutes later and oot of the blue Remy Cabella produced a left footer from the edge of the box to score in front of the Toon contingent to the right hand side of the goal!
Then Hull number 27 Elmohamdy <(hope av spelt that reet?) scored wot looked like a perfectly good heeder from where we were at the far side of the groond, to put the dampeners on things, but the linesman had spotted sommik undue and the goal waz disallowed!

News filtered through from Tyneside 130 miles away (from those watchin' on the telly!) that the goal had been chalked off coz he had punched the baall into the net!
He (disgracefully!) protested hiz 'innocence'? loudly at the end of the half, but Phil Dowd the ref waz havin' non of it and told him to 'eff off' (or words to that effect!) (see photos  from the telly cameras!)

In the 50th minute Sammy Ameobi unleashed an unstoppable shot with hiz left foot from 30 yards oot to double wor advantage az the 2,500 Toon fans celebrated wildly! (see Geordie Times exclusive photo of the goal at the top of the page taken on my mobile 'telling bone'!)

There were a couple of scary moments for us after this when Coloccini inexplicably sliced the baall into hiz own box but thankfully it waz cleared!--and then Jelavic missed an open goal and the baall ran oot of play to safety!

TIM KRUL CLEARS UPFIELD AS THE SNOW COMES DOON!
(View from row 'V' seat 93 of the 'Ideal Boilers Stand'!)

'Gooffy' Gouffran then sealed the victory for us when he hit a shot from the edge of the box which waz deflected in of a Hull defender! (wor THORD 'left footer' of the game!)
Some Hull fans then hoyed their hats and scarves onto the touchline in disgust az they left in their droves (with one young fan jumpin' ower the advertisin' hordings to 're-claim one of the scarves!)

A forst victory for John 'Whey aye the pie' Carver, which see's us move 11 points clear of Hull in the 3rd relegation place! The othaa five teams at the bottom aalso lost makin' it a bit easier for Carver and the rest of us to sleep last neet!---
Broken Nose Bruce looked a 'broken man' az he stood forlornly on the touchline durin' the game, havin' to put up with the usual "Sad mackem bustard!" song, from the Toon faithful! (a reference to hiz time az the mackems manager!)

Like aa say ---aall 3 goals were scored by 3 different players with their left feet!)
Aaltogether now!---"Yi put yi left foot in!--- yi put yi left foot out!-- you do the 'Ameobi' and you shake it all about!"

Toon team: Krul, Coloccini, Janmaat, Williamson, Haidera, Anita Colback, Cabella (Gouffran 72), Sissoko, Sammy Ameobi (Abeid 92) <(why?), Perez (Cisse 82)

Attendance: 23,925 (2,500 happy Toon fans includin' injured Paul Dummett, spotted in the away end!)   *

 

 

"The retorn of the Wildebeasts!"

 

"OWWW!"---"WATCH MEE FEET!"

Before the match we had to endure a torturous train jorney from York to Hull where the 3 carraiges were absolutely jam packed with mostly Toon fans, who insisted on pushin' past us back and forwards at 10 second intevals to gan to the one and anly 'tool shed' on the train!

 

The jorney waz one and a half hours and some of them passed us at least 5 times az they wandered aboot aimlessly like 'wildebeasts', not knowin' where to gan or wot to de!???  My right foot waz trodden on at least '4 times'! az well, az they squeeezed through! <('pains in the arses' comes to mind!)

The pre and post match gargels took place in Hull and York!

MODERATION, HULL

 

THE CLARENDON!---NAMED AND SHAMED!---HOME FANS ONLY!---
THE BOONCERS WOULDN'T LET US IN!

 

MODERATION BAR, HULL---GUESS WHICH TEAM SHE SUPPORTS!?

YORK

YORK

YORK

YORK
 

 



BROKEN NOSE BRUCE'S TIGER LILLYS v THE TOON *** TOMORROW DINNAATIME!

Posted '2:35pm bells' Friday 30th January 2015

ACTION FROM LAST SEASON WHEN WE WERE
HOUSED REET BEHIND THE GOAL!****
NUFC (in yellow) WON 4-1 !<(a repeat of that pleeeze!)

Tomorrow we revisit the scene of Pardew's infamous heedbutt on a Hull player last season, but wor manager/yes man, 'jumped ship' on New Years Eve and wont be anywhere near 'The KC'.
(It haz been envisaged that any 'aggro' will be left to John 'Whey Aye the Pie' Carver to hoy a few 'snake and pigmy' pies at Hull players when they are anywhere near the away dugout!)

The away end haz changed and we are now stuck in a corner section and not behind the goal az in previous seasons. This seeemz to be 'the norm' theeze days---puttin' away fans in the worst possible seats away from the goal area! (We are ne exeption, puttin' the away fans 'in the gods'!)

'The Geordie Times' entourage <(we naa aall the big words!) are on the '7:22 bells' train in the mornin' and expect to arrive in Hull to catch at least a couple of 'liquid lubrications' before the ridiculous '12:45 bells' kick off <('live telly' rules of course!)

It haz been conformed that Abeid, Santon and Obertan will be in the squad but wethaa Cisse retorns in time from hiz jaunt in 'The African Nations Cup' iz anybodys guess???

And wot do we think will happen tomorrow?----your guess iz az good az mine and we can anly hope that 'the powers that be' have made the reet choice in Carver's appointment az heed coach til the end of the season.

Ne wins in FOWER attempts iz hiz record in charge so far!---lets hope the players respond in the reet way and give the 2,500 travellin' fans sommik to cheer for a change!---we shall see!  

WORLD AVERAGE GATES *** LATEST *** JANUARY 2015

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 29th January 2015

ST JAMES' PARK ***
HOME OF THE 11th BEST SUPPORTED CLUB IN THE WORLD!

Orlier on in the week we telt yoo that we would be publishin' the latest average attendances from the fower corners of the planet and theeeze are listed below!

Unbeleevibleeee NUFC are still in the top 20 despite every effort by the club to dissuade us from attendin' games by givin' us a mediocre mid-table team! <(for the moment at least!) and ne permanent manager/dogsbody/yes man/ etc/ etc!

Az per usual Jawmany's Borussia Dortmund lead the way, followed by the Spanish giants and the 'Manc Muppeteers'!
Anly one club in the top 20 iz from ootside Europe and they are CF America from Mexico!

9 of the top 20 are from Jawmany, 5 are from Ing-er-land, 4 are from Spain, with 1 each from Holland and Mexico

 World's best supported clubs *** January 2015

1 Borussia Dortmund: 80,435
2 Real Madrid: 76,178
3 Man U: 75,339
4 Barcelona: 73,773
5 Bayern Munich: 71,000
6 CF America: 66,853
7 Schalke 04: 61,470
8 The Arse: 59,983
9 Hertha Berlin: 52,603
10 Hamburg: 51,548
11 THE TOON: 51,168
12 Borussia Munchers: 50,434
13 Ajax: 49,985
14 Koln: 48,763
15 Stuttgart: 47,288
16 Frankfurt: 47,222
17 Atletico Madrid: 46,112
18 Man C: 45,502
19 Athletic Bilbao: 44,750
20 The Liverbirds: 44,684 

NUFC are aalso the 3rd best supported club in the UK and the 10th best supported club in Europe! <(are we daft or wot???)  

"IT'S A CARVE UP!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 27th January 2015

So! (surprize!-surprize!) NUFC have so far failed to find a 'Yes Man' to fill Pardew's shoes and have predicably appointed John 'The Pie' Carver az interim 'Dogsbody' til at least the end of the season and then he will be sacked when a new ("Do az you are told!") coach iz eventually appointed! <(readin' between the lines!)

This chaotic, shambolic and ambitionless club just gans from one calamity to anothaa and Carver, who will now be in charge for the last 16 games, haz been given a 'top 10 target' by the club! <(for the 3rd best supported club in the UK, with average gates of 51,000 +, this iz amazing!)

Carver of course haz 'black and white blood' just like the rest of us and we can anly hope and pray that he can deliver the goods or else we are in deep (deep!) trouble!
A SIX pointer against Hull on Saturday iz next on the agenda!---A game "we must not lose" or we will be dragged into the relegation battle for certain! 

Az one paper said this mornin', 'quote':
"NO WINS IN FOUR GAMES!---YOU'VE GOT THE JOB!"

LAST WEEK OF THE WINDOW!

Posted '10:39am bells' Munday 26th January 2015

We are nuw into the last week of the transfor window and it looks very (very!) likely that there will be ne new NUFC manager or new players in place by the time the window closes!
On the ootgoin' side however, anythin' iz possible and divvint be surprised if there iz some activity on the very last day to forthaa 'fatten' 'The Fat Controller's' wallet!

We have yet anothaa 'free week' to prepare for wor visit to Hull next Saurday where we play 'Broken Nosed Bruce's Tiger Lillys' in wot iz nuw a 'must not lose' game!

We are just 8 points aheed of 'Brucey's Boys' and 10 of the very bottom place held by Lestaa City!

We reeely shud have strengthened wor squad but 'financial restraints' on the 3rd best supported club in Britain and 19th richest club in the world, meeen that we must (most likely?) 'plod on and 'hope for the best'! <("suck it and see!") >>>

The players and staff are nuw back from their 'warm weathaa trainin' in Dubai to 'freeezin' cold trainin' in Benton and a calamitous sign of this iz the fact that Man City did exactly the same thing az us last week in Dubai and then lost 2-0 to 'The Smog Monsters' in the FA Cup @ 'The Emptyad Stadium' <(it waz nearly empty by the end of the match!)

(Lets hope we don't befall the same fate!)

The Top 5 Average Attendances in Britain:

1 Man U *** 75,339
2 The Arse *** 59,983
3 THE TOON *** 51,168
4 Man C *** 45,502
5 The Liverbirds *** 44,684

'The Geordie Times' stat man iz currentleee compilin' the latest list of world average gates---watch this space!---list will be updated sometime this week!  

"BLANKETY BLANKETY BLANK!"

Posted '11:01am bells' Sunday 25th January 2015

"HI!---I'M BACK AGAIN!---YOU CAN'T GET RID OF ME!"

With yet anothaa (self inflicted!) blank weekend to fill in, it waz decided to heed for Bedlington to get wor Saturday 'fix', where the home side were takin' on 'The Bad Blue Boys' of Dunston in a Northern Leegue encoonter!

Aa met up with 'Grumpy Stumpy' in 'The Hotspur' @ '12:30 bells' and telt him that the match waz in doubt due to the inclement weathaa!
Aa had Bedlington's phone number and rang to see if the match waz on?----there waz ne reply from the othaa end and the 'telling-bone' just went onto 'answer mode'!
The conclusion waz!---because there waz nebody at the groond just two and a half hours before kick off, we assumed (wrongly!) that the match waz OFF!

We ended up watchin' Ross Coonty v Glasgay Celtic on the bar's telly in an absolutely cr*p game and this torned oot to be wor Saturday 'fix'! <(quick!---pass me anothaa 'liquid lubrication'!)

Later on we foond oot that Bradford had sensationally beaten Chelski 4-2 @ Stamford Bridge in the FA Cup after bein' 2 goals doon and that 'The Smoggies' had aalso won away @ Man City!
Pardew's Palace aalso won away @ Sooothampton to put them in the 5th roond!---sommik he wasn't allowed to de @ The Toon in 4 attempts az wor manager! (ie: play a full strength team in the 'cups')
The romance of the FA Cup?---divvint tell any Toon fans this!

(The Bedlington v Dunston game DID get played (after a late pitch inspection) with the visitors winnin' 1-0) 

"WE'RE IN THE MONEY!" ----"WHEY!, A CERTAIN 'FAT CONTROLLER' IZ, ANYWAY!"

Posted '12:38pm bells' Friday 23rd January 2015

SOMEWHERE IN THE BOWELS OF ST JAMES' PARK!

Delloitte's 'Top 20 Futbaall Rich List' in the world puts NUFC in 19th position and we are, quote: "Commercially, in the STRONGEST position in our history!"
Yet!, like a certain Dickens' character, we scrimp and save 'the scraps' and sell on any 'valuable assets' at the orliest opportunity to increase a certain owerweight gadgie's bank account to the detriment of the team, who bale oot the sinkin' boat with a tea cup, az the waataa leaks in through the many cracks!

NE manager/ heed coach/ dogs body/ crawler/ yes man OR new players to bale oot the boat (yet!), az we scrap it oot for the rest of the season alang with Lestaa, Palace, Hull, Bornley, QPR, 'The SMBs' and the rest of the dead wood, in a desperate attempt to stay IN the '(gravy!) boat' and not end up at the bottom of the Tyne!    

 AN IMPROMPTU PLAYERS TRAININ' SESSION
SOMEWHERE ON THE RIVER TYNE!

'PENFOLD' SPEAKS!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 22nd January 2015

A CLUB SPOKESMAN!

An amazing thing happened yesterday!---^someone from NUFC who iz 'the spit' of 'Penfold' off  the 'Secret Squirrel' cartoon, actually spoke to the local press and media to tell them of wor plans for the rest of the season and beyond!

And wot have we foond oot that we didn't aalready naaa???

Nothin' really!---It's a SECRET!

AN IMPOSTER! ---"MY LIPS ARE SEALED!"



 

"IT'S A FIX!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 21st January 2015

"I NEED A DRINK TO WATCH THIS LOT!"

"IT'S A FIX ---ONE!"

With 21 days of the January transfor window now gone, we STILL divvint naa if we will have a new 'manager/coach/dogs body/yes man'! in place before the end of the month/season/decade!

Conspiracy theorys are dein the roonds, claimin' we divvint want a new manager yet az he MIGHT (just MIGHT!) want to spend some money in wot iz left of the transfor window! <(IF yoo believe that then yoo MUST be a Toon fan!)   

Ne transfors 'in or oot' YET?---but divvint haad yer breath for anybody comin' 'IN'!---more than likely on the last day(s) of the window though, yoo can expect a flurry of activity from 'the big clubs' to 'cherry pick' the best of a pretty average side to gan 'OOT'! <(az per usual for us at this time of the year!)

"IT'S A FIX ---TWO!"

The revised telly schedules for March have just been released and we have got off lightly with just ONE game bein' picked by eethaa SKY or BT which iz the home game against Man U.
The date and time of the fixture hazzent been changed, but it iz now bein' shown live on BT on Wednesday 4th March @ '7:45 bells'!

"IT'S A FIX ---THREE!"

Because we have yet anothaa 'blankety blank' weekend due to it bein' 'FA Cup 4th roond day' (az we of course got knocked oot 'of it' in Lestaa at the beginnin' of the month!), we need to get wor 'fix' elsewhere and are plannin' on gannin' to the salubrious surroundings of 'The Dr Pitt' Welfare groond in Bedlington on Saturday afternoon, where the home side are due to play 'The Bad Blue Boys' of Dunston in a Northern Leegue fixture!
However! bad weathaa could scupper wor plans az, scandalously!, 'The Terriers' divvint have undersoil heatin' at their ramshackle groond! <(wot's the world comin' te!???) 

THE TOON 1 SOOOTHAMPTON 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 18th January 2015

"HAND BAALL!!!"---BUT THE BLIND REF DIDN'T GIVE IT!???

With a '5:30 bells' kick off thanx to 'SKY' we had plenty of time to consume large amounts of alcoholic beverages before the game and we started off in 'The Monkey Bar' before movin' on to 'The Welly' and finally 'The Toon Arms'!

ON WOR WAY TO 'BASE CAMP'!

On a freeezin' January day we finally made wor way to 'base camp' at the bottom of The Milburn Stand before ascendin' the 200 stairs to wor seats on 'level 7' az per usual! <(heart attacks on 'standby'!)

ACTION IN THE 1st HALF AZ THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES END!

We started off the brighter of the 2 teams and had a couple of good chances orly on to take the lead and so it waz a shock when 'The Simon Templar Mob' went ahead in the 14th minute @ The Gallowgate End when Elia hit a low shot from the edge of the box which went 'straight through' Tim Krul in The Toon goal <(a shot he shud have saved!)

A fluke equaliser through Yoan Goffran levelled things when Sooothampton defender Gardos tried to clear but the baall hit Gouffran and went straight into the net @ The Leazes End!

In the 2nd period we did exactly the same thing and 'shot worsels in the foot', when a defensive mix up left Elia again with a free shot on goal, which hit Janmaat on the way, which wrong footed Krul!

Paul Dummett then had a free header but he inexplicably sent it wide with the goal gapin'!

A blatent penalty claim near the end when Riviere's volley on the edge of the box foond Fonte's hand, waz missed by the officials, az Riviere protested vigorously! <(a shockin' decision!) (see top foto!)

THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END (2nd half)

Anothaa unfortunate defeat meenz that we have still to win a game in fower attempts in 2015!----We now slip to the bottom half of the table into 11th place 

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Coloccini, Dummett (Williamson 80), Haidera, Sissoko, Anita (Riviere 68), Colback, Cabella, Perez, Gouffran (Sammy Ameobi 69)

Attendance: 49,307 (2nd lowest this season)  (1,400 Sooothampton fans)  *


PS: On a much brighter note, can we just congratulate both North Sheeelds and 'The Bad Blue Boys' of Dunston who both progressed to the last 16 of the FA Vase!
Sheeelds won 4-1 against Consett and Dunston won 1-0 at Heanor Toon!

The two Tyneside teams gan into tomorrows 5th roond draw @ Wembley 
Lets hope that they avoid each othaa and get two home ties!