"WE JUST KNEW IT!" *** MACKEM GAME CHANGED!

Posted '12:44pm bells' Tuesday 7th October 2014

Az predicted by 'The Geordie Times' (and 99% of Toon fans!), wor game against the SMBs haz been switched from Saturday 20th December to Sunday 21st December with a '1:30 bells' kick off and iz live on SKY

Othaa games moved for live telly in December are:

Sat 6th: Chelski @ St James' now @ '12:45 bells' on BT

Sat 13th: The Arse @ The 'Em' @ '5:30 bells' on SKY

Boxin' Day 26th: The Manc Muppets @ The Theatre of Muppets @ '3 bells' on BT

Sun 28th: The Toffee Noses @ St James' @ '4:15 bells' on SKY

THE SWAN LAKERS 2 THE TOON 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted 'high noon bells' Monday 6th October 2014

THT TOON ATTACK THE AWAY END CLAD IN WOR HORRIBLE
NEW LIME GREEN AND DARK BLUE 3rd STRIP!

"WE'RE IN A RIGHT PICKLE!"

With ne sleep whatsoever after finishin' neetshift at '3 am bells' aa heeded for 'The Central' 2 hours later, to catch the forst of 3 trains which would take us to Swanzee.
Me 2 travellin' companions on this occasion were 'Tex Taylor' and 'Grumpy Stumpy' and we reely didn't look forward to the 6 hours (plus) train journey to sooth Wales!

We arrived on time and az a'm one of those people who just cannit sleep on trains or busses aa emerged from train carriage totally knackered!
Wor forst port o caall waz 'The Villiers' bar which iz half way between the train station and the groond where a few lubrications were hoyed doon wor necks before heedin' for the away tornstiles.

Az iz usual these days anti P45DEW banners were present and were held aloft az the teams ran oot! <(just the kind of 'support' the team needs???)
The age of the cardholders waz ominous!---they were AALL under 30, with most of them inebriated teenagers (who must have had a smell of the barmaids apron!) 
The rest of us '30/40 plus to zimmerframe age', just stood in silence az the protests went on aroond us!

Anyway!--Swanzee took the lead in the 17th minute just after Obertan missed a glorious chance for us, when Bony slid the baall past Tim Krul in the Toon goal after a 'one-two' with anothaa Swanzee player!

Protests then grow louder and more venomous when the word 'Paedophile' iz used against wor beleaguered manager! <("NOT! very nice lads and lasses and completely oot of order!")

Just before half time the unexpected happens when Obertan puts Cisse through and from a very tight angle he fires the baall into the Swanzee goal reet in front of the protestin' Toon fans!
Their protests then torned to support of unbridled joy az Cisse gives a "Sshh!" sign with hiz finger in anger at the protesters!

The 2nd period starts badly when we concede again when Siggerson plays a great baall to Wayne Routledge and the ex Toon player chips the baall ower Krul to put 'The Swan Lakers' back in front!

'Q' more protests with one banner showin' wor sequence of results this year which looks like the name of a Welsh toon!  LLDDLWLLLDWLLL etc!

Cisse than saves P45DEW's bacon when he produces anothaa equaliser at the far end from us when Sammy Ameobi races doon the right wing and crosses to Cisse and he places the baall past their keeper to give us a point!---but we are still in the bottom 3 with ne wins since May!

Conclusion: 25% of wor 'fans' protested from the start (aall under 30) while the othaa 75% DIDN'T <(this includes quite a few teenagers az well who refused to join the 'gang'!)

Aa don't for ONE MINUTE support wor manager, az aa think he shud gan! (hence P45DEW!)---but to slag him off with vile chants before the game haz even started (like at Soothampton and Stoke!) just doesn't help wor cause!

After the game we made for Newport where we were stayin' for the neet!  ONE pint of John Smith's @ £1.99 in the Wetherspoons boozer next to the hotel and aa waz nearly asleep!  An orly neet followed before catchin' the train(s) back to Tyneside on Sunday afternoon!

We came back via H***ford and az we passed through the station aa put mee coat ower mee heed so aa didn't have to see the poxy place! ('1972 and aall that' yi understand!) <(Aa waz there!)

"NO! IT'S NOT A BURKA *** IT'S ME @ H***FORD STATION!"
(pic by Mal the Inglish Skool Teechaa!)

'Grumpy Stumpy had a jar of pickled onions in hiz owerneet bag and we proceeded to eat them by spearin' them with some tooth-picks he had aallso brought!
"We were in a right pickle---just like wor team!"

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Coloccini, Williamson, Dummett, Colback (Riviere 69), Tiote, Sissoko, Obertan, Cisse (Perez 85, Gouffran (Sammy Ameobi 58)

Attendance: 20,662 (2,000 Toon fans)

PS: There were a mind bogglin' 29 station stops! from Swanzee back to 'The Central' via Manchester!---a world records perhaps???

Swansea trip, pub crawl (not many!)

THE QUEENS HOTEL, NEWPORT
(After game)

   

THE SWAN LAKERS v THE TOON **** TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Posted '1:22pm bells' Friday 3rd October 2014

ACTION FROM SWANZEE LAST SEASON *** WE LOST 3-0 !

Orly tomorrow mornin' we heed off for wor langest trip of the season when we make for sooth Wales for wor game against Swanzeee!
We are due to arrive by choo choo train just after '12:30 bells' ---plenty of time for some liquid lubrications before the '3 bells' kick off!

Swanzeee are lookin' for their FIFTH win in a row against us and who would bet against that?????

P45DEW haz been spoutin' off more gobbledegook rubbish in the media and tells us that:
"We are very focused on the game on Saturday and want to win!" 
He then gans on to say:
"It's quite simple really, when all is said and done and therefore after the game it becomes difficult because if we haven't won and it will be difficult again after Swansea!"

"The goal we conceded against Stoke perhaps shouldn't have been conceded but it was!"

Makes perfect sense to us Alan!???? 

Aall tickets for the away end have been sold so we can anly hope that we can witness a better performance than against Sooothampton and Stoke!

A full match report will follow sometime on Sunday or Monday!---watch this space yet again!

311 grounsell park heaton newcastle

(Ground number 311)
Date of First Visit: 1st October 2014
Grounsell Park, Heaton, Newcastle

Heaton Stannington  1
Newcastle United X1  8  (Heardman, Olley, Roberts (2), Gibson, Longstaff,Cameron, Quinn)

Friendly fixture:
Attendance: 400 (estimated) <(plus 3 people watchin' from their back garden!)

"THE 'HEAT' IZ ON!"

"THE MAN IN THE MOON SHINES BRIGHTLY ABOVE
THE NEW FLOODLIGHTS @ GROUNSELL PARK!"
(THE TOON ARE IN GREY)

Mee plan for the day waz to de a pub crawl to Heaton from St James' (2.7 miles!) but that plan waz scuppered when 'Dave from York' text me to say that he waz heedin' for 'The Brandon Villas' boozer at sooth Gosforth for the pre match gargels.
Aa text him back to say that in fact the boozer in question waz caalled 'The Brandling Villas' and arranged to meet him in 'The Strawberry' next to St James' Park and then get the Metro to 'Gossy'

On arrival we had a pint of 'Shuggy Boat' real ale and waited for the rest of the 'mad-sad groundhoppers' to arrive---and in they came in ones and twos, namely 'Alex of St George' and then 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' and hiz sidekick Adam---and then finally 'The Mad Professor!


"THE SHUGGY BOATS ARE ON ME!"


An fierce argument started az to wot they caalled the East Stand at St James' before it waz built in the orly 70s.
Waz it 'The Poplar' side after the trees that stood at the back OR! waz it 'The PopUlar' az it waz a cheap and 'popular' place to stand??? <(the argument raged on for 20 minutes with no solution to the answer!) <(My own opinion waz that it waz caalled 'The Poplar' side!) 


"ESCAPE TO VICTORY!"

Anyway!---enough of that!----It waz then 'onward' across the road to 'The Victory' before heedin for the groond which waz a 20 minute waalk away past the Freeman Hospital.
The clubhoose waz packed but we still had time to 'shovel' anothaa 'real ale' doon wor 'john o groats' before makin' wor way to the far side where there waz a raised grass bank for a better view of the action.

"GARDEN WITH A VIEW!" (pic by Alex of St George)

Peoples gardens backed onto some trees behind the grass bank and uniquely some had greenhooses and gardens encroachin into the groond, where they had a 'free view' of the proccedings! (we had to pay a fiver to get in!)

"IZ THAT A GREENHOOSE INSIDE THE GROOND!???"

The Toon's startin' line up consisted of a mixture of resorve and junior players and within half an hour we were FIVE - nil up with goals from Tom Heardman (pen),  Gregg Olley, Callum Roberts(2) and Liam Gibson! ---(The 'heat' waz certainly 'on' the home side!) 
 ----We were simply too strong for the Northern Leegue outfit and Peter Beardsley's team then took their 'foot off the gas', or else a 'cricket score' would be the final outcome!

HEARDMAN PENALTY
 (fuzzy pic by Alex of St George!) <(he'd had a few drinks!)

The biggest 'cheer' of the night came in the 40th minute when 'one' Dean Deagle' hit a great free kick to reduce the arrears for 'The Stan'!

Three forthaa goals in the 2nd period from Sean Longstaff, Kyle Cameron and Jonathyn Quinn completed the rout az The Toon ran oot 8-1 victors! 

"WE WAZ THERE!"

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS *** "THE 'HEAT' IZ ON!" *** HEATON STANNINGTON v TOON U21s *** TOONEET!

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 1st October 2014

"NEW GROOND!" *** "NEW GROOND!" *** "NEW GROOND!"

Tooneet 'the mad-sad groundhoppers' face the moothwaaterin' prospect of a new groond within the city limits, when a U21/resorve side travel the (very!) short distance to High Heaton to take on Northern Leegue side Heaton 'Stan' @ Grounsell Park in a friendly arranged to switch on their new floodlights!

It iz 58 years since a Toon side last played 'Stan' so it's safe to assume that aall those present tooneet will be witnessin' their forst game between the two clubs az well!?

Admission iz a fiver for big kids and two quid for sprogs and zimmerframeites and we've hord through the grapevine that they have a canny little clubhoose!

A'v decided to de a 'pub crawl' from St James' to the groond and plan to visit 'The Royal Archer', 'The Punchbowl', 'The Cradlewell' <(if it's still open?) and 'The Corner Hoose' boozers, amongst others, before makin' mee way up to the groond, which iz somewhere beside the Freeman Hospital, off Newton Road!

Kick off iz @ '7 bells' and aall are welcome!

THE P*SS POTTERS 1 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 30th September 2014

"WHY DOES IT ALWAYS RAIN ON ME???"

ALAN P45DEW STANDS ON THE TOUCHLINE IN HIZ BLACK 
DESIGNER SUIT (centre of pic)  IN THE TORRENTIAL RAIN
TRYIN' TO PROVE A POINT!
("WHY DON'T YOO BEAT YOURSELF UP INSTEAD, ALAN????") 

Six of us travelled doon to Staffordshire for this one in mee 'canny tranny' mini bus, namely 'Big Al' <(not! the sheet metal workers son!), 'International 'Russ'cue', 'Mal the Inglish Skoool Teeechaa', 'Biffa the Beer' and 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer'! (plus meesel of course!)

We arrived two and a qwaataa hours before the kick off, parked up and heeded for 'The Locomotive' for some serious tonsil ticklin! <(not much for me however--az aa waz drivin'!)

'The Loco' iz aboot a 20 to 25 minute waalk from the groond and az we set off light rain waz faallin'!---This soon torned to torrential az we made wor way across a busy duel carriageway and maze of waalkways. By the time we got to the away entrance we were absolutleee soacked to the skin and mee waterproof jacket waz provin' to be ' anything but' az mee tee shirt waz wringin wet az well!---a great start to the evenin'!

The two teams ran oot from the corner players tunnel next to us to a mixture of cheers and boos!---'Cheers' for the Toon team and 'boos' for wor beleaguered manager!
The Toon were wearin' wor horrendous new 'away number' of dark blue and lime green halved shirts, lime green shorts and dark blue socks! <(the Toon kit designer obviously haz something against us!) 

P45DEW stood on the touchline az the game kicked off az the heavy rain came doon and he looked a forlorn figure in the orly minutes of the half!
Az usual we couldn't get 'oot of the blocks' and paid a heavy price az Sissoko lost the baall and a cross from a Stoke player foond the heed of the unmarked 'beanpole' Peter Crouch and he had the easy task of heedin' past Tim Krul to score wot torned oot to be the anly goal of the game in the 15th minute!

1st HALF *** THE TOON ATTACK THE BOOTHEN END

P45DEW looked a pathetic figure az he stood by himself drenched to the bone, tryin' to prove some ridiculous point that he could get wetter than anybody else, instead of takin' shelter in the dugoot with the rest of the coachin' staff!

The fans fury waz gettin' louder by the minute and a section of the seats at the front of wor end had been cordoned off to stop any potential  pitch invader(s) reachin' him!


THE TOON ATTACK THE GOAL IN FRONT OF WOR FANS
(NOTE THE EMPTY RED SEATS AT THE FRONT TO STOP PITCH INVADERS!)


We simply couldn't break doon the P*ss Potters defence and near the end Jack Colback missed the easiest of chances with the goal open, but somehow managed to hit the bar and the chance waz gone!--much to the anguish of the Toon faitful <(this ISNT a spellin misteak!) behind that goal!

Anothaa abysmal performance from us against a P*ss poor Potters team meenz that we gan in to the month of October withoot a solitary win under wor belt and lie in 2nd bottom place just aheed of Bornley on goal difference!

After the match P45DEW stated the blindingly obvious!
"We are in the bottom three!", he said under baited breath!

"Actually Alan, we are in the bottom "TWO!"

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Williamson, Coloccini, Dummett, Tiote, Colback, Sissoko, Cabella (Sammy Ameobi 74), Gouffran (Obertan 67), Riviere (Cisse 46)

Attendance: 26,332 (1,751 p*ssed off Toon fans!)

THE P*SS POTTERS v THE TOON *** TOONEET!

Posted '9:03am bells' Monday 29th September 2014

Anothaa hectic week iz in store for the 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' when we travel to Staffordshire tononeet in mee 'canny tranny' to face The P*ss Potts of Stoke in anothaa 'must win' game <(which most predict we 'will lose'!)

We are settin' off orly this afternoon and wor forst 'target' iz 'The Locomotive' boozer which iz a 20 minute waalk from the groond!

Santon, De Jong, Campbell and Aarons are aall oot due to injury, while Krul, Cisse and Gouffran shud retorn after missin' oot at Palace last mid-week!

Bornley's heavy defeat at WBA yesterday meenz that we move off the bottom of the table, although a 2 goal defeat for us will see us back in the basement place tooneet on goal difference!

It iz said that P45DEW's job iz on the line if we lose and this haz been well publicised ower the weekend!

The Toon will be wearin' their new thord kit, which consists of dark blue and lime green halves and looks absolutleee hideous! <(whoever designs these cr*p aways strips musn't like us!---that's for certain!) 

On Wednesday @ '7 bells' we heed to 'the east end' of The Toon where wor resorves are takin' on Heaton Stannington to open their new floodlights---a new groond for the mad-sad groundhoppers!

And then wor langest trip of the season teks place on Saturday when we face a 750 mile plus roond trip to Swanzee in sooth Wales and we are on the train for this one!

A full 'Geordie Times' match report will appear 'here' az per usual come tomorrow afternoon!

PS: The 'P*ss Potts' game iz a sellooot!---so if yi divvint have a ticket divvint gan!

THE CRYSTAL BALLS 2 THE TOON 3 *** LEEGUE CUP 3rd ROOND *** MATCH REPORT (ANLY!) FIVE DAYS LATE!

Posted '10:10am bells' Sunday 28th September 2014

Forst of aall --- grovelling apologeeez for not updatin' this site since last Tuesday!---This iz because av had an horrendous week travellin up and doon the country, followin' The Toon twice to London in 3 days, plus 3 days back and forward to the Bormingham area with mee job!--- 2,700 miles in total!---aa just haven't had time to de it!

"VIEW THROUGH A LETTERBOX!"

RIVIERE PENALTY

The trip to sooth London started off at 'The Central' where aa caught a train to Darlo for a few liquid lubrications forst!
Why Darlo yoo well may ask???---well 'Mal the Inglish Skool Teeecha' had booked me a cheapy ticket from Darlo Station for under a tenner to Kings Cross, but the train wasn't til '3 bells'!
So!--- az aa wouldn't have much time when aa eventually got to sooth London, aa stopped off at Darlo instead! (7 quid from The Toon to Darlo by the way!)
Hogans dive bar waz mee forst port o call just outside the station where the average age of the punters inside waz aboot 75!--az yiv probably guessed it waz cheap beer aall roond @ £2 a pint!

Next stop waz doon the street in 'The Dalesman' and then back to 'Hogans' before catchin' the train to Kings Cross

On arrival @ '5:30 bells' aa made for 'The Cider Tap' at Euston where 'Big Al and Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' were suppin' "Er!" 'cider' would yoo beleeeve!

It waz then onward to Palace via Victoria Station where the final 'tonsil ticklin' before the match took place in the Selhurst Railway Club---and we were made to feel more than welcome by the Palace fans!

THE MATCH

"A 'LETTERBOX' VIEW TO DIE FOR!"

Wor view from row 46 of the away side waz like watchin the game through a letterbox az a gantry had been added below the roof from the last time we were here! This meant that when the baall waz kicked up into the air we couldn't see it, til the wonders of 'gravity' brung it back doon!

There waz suprizingly a canny few Toon fans present considerin' the near 600 mile roond trip wasn't the easiest of the season and they were in good voice---backin the team instead of barrackin the manager, az waz the case at Sooothampton two weeks before!

Goal times:
25th minute: Janmaat fouls Zaha in the box and the ref points straight to the spot and Gayle places hiz shot past Elliot in The Toon goal---1-0 to Palace!

36th minute: Armstrong crosses to Riviere and he torns and shoots past the Palace keeper to level the scores!

48th minute: Sammy Ameobi runs into the box and iz fouled by a Palace defender and the ref again points straight to the spot!---this time in WOR favour!
Riviere steps up and fires the baall into the net to send the 2,000 Toon faitful into raptures ---2-1 to 'US'!

Aa had a bus to catch from Victoria at '11:30' so the very last thing aa needed waz extra time!---and so guess wot happened next????

92nd minute: Deep into injury time and when it looked az though we had won it, 'disaster struck' when after defensive errors on wor part Kiakia managed to scramble the baall into the Toon net to extend the game by a forthaa 30 minutes (at least!)

Thoughts of missin the bus and bein' stranded with ne hotel then entered mee heed az extra time started!  The Crystal Balls stadium announcer then stuck a spanner into 'the works' by gleefully tellin the whole crowd that the winners were to be 'rewarded' by an away trip to Man City in the next roond!
EVERYONE groaned includin' the 2 sets of players! <(a complete BALLS UP if yoo ask us!

112th minute: Paul 'Dummy' Dummett saves the day for us with a fantastic divin heeder to put us back in the lead---3-2!

Thankfully the dreaded penalty shoot out wasn't needed az we 'bit wor fingers to the bone' az Palace frantically tried to get anothaa equaliser!
The ref blew for time and then it waz a mad dash back to Victoria to try and catch the bus!
Aa MADE IT by just 2 MINUTES and crashed oot on the back seat az we pulled oot of the coach station!---The bus (eventually!) pulled into St James' Boulevard some SEVEN HOURS LATER !----aall in the life of an NUFC fan!

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat (Haidera 46), Coloccini, Steve Taylor, Dummett, Abeid, Colback, Obertan, Armstrong, Sammy Ameobi (Sissoko 66), Riviere (Perez 80)

Attendance: 13,773 (2,000 Toon fans)


   

310 meadow park, borehamwood (arsenal reserves)

ground number 310

Date of First Visit: 22nd September 2014

Meadow Park, Borehamwood, London

Arsenal U21 Reserves 1
Newcastle United U21 Reserves 2  (Remie Streete (2)

FA Premier Reserve League

Attendance: 350 (estimated) (includin' quite a few NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers and exiles)

(Brief match report---more to follow later)


"QUALITY STREETE!"

REMIE SCORES HIZ FORST GOAL!
(HOPE YIV GOT GOOD EYESIGHT?)

Three of us travelled doon to 'this one' by 'jam jar' supplied by 'Michael the Mag' and wor other travellin 'saddo' waz 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' who we picked up at Durham.

Fower and a half hours later and with ne traffic delays we foond worsels ootside Boremwood FCs groond in "norf Landan" @ '4:30 bells' ('7 bells ' kick off)

Az there were ne boozers around the groond and the clubhouse waz disgracefully shut!, we heeded for the toon centre half a mile away for some much needed 'liquid lubrication' in a Wetherspoon's hostelry.
It waz then onward back to the groond where by this time the clubhoose had opened! <(horray!)

It waz virtually empty apart from a few familiar 'Toonhoppers' and after anothaa bit of 'tonsil ticklin' it waz time to heed inside!

Admission waz FREE but despite this a sparse crowd greeted us upon entry. Meadow Park iz a nice tidy groond with two small seated stands and the pitch looked in 'top nick'!

Central defender Remie Streete waz wor hero of the day az he scored two 'sweet' 'Quality Streete' heeders (sic!) to win the game for The Toon. The Arse pulled one back at the death but it waz aall tooo little tooo late for The Gooners second string!

A thord win on the spin for WOR second string---if anly we could transfor this form to the forst team---if anly!

More on aall this to follow when aa get time!---like!?   

"NEW GROOND! *** NEW GROOND!" *** THE ARSE RESORVES v THE TOON RESORVES @ BOREHAMWOOD *** TOONEET!

Posted '9:51am bells' Monday 22nd September 2014

The resorve U21 squad are away to The Arse in "norf Landan" @ '7 bells' tooneet @ Meadow Park, Borehamwood, in a Premyaa Leegue resorve game!

This iz a new groond for the 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' and aboot half a dozen are travellin' doon by car and train to 'chalk off' yet anothaa groond on the seeminglee never endin' list!

Admission iz FREE and aall are welcome!

A Geordie Times match report and pix will be forthcomin' tomorrow, sometime!

Az per usual "watch this space!"