"ING-ER-LAND EXPECTS!" *** PART TWO

Posted '2:15pm bells' Thorsday 19th Joon 2014

Ing-er-land's 2nd game of The World Cup against Uruguay teks place at '8 bells' toneet in Sao Paulo, with expectations at an aall time low after defeat against 'The I-ties' in the 1st game!
A win would probably see us qualify for the next stage---a draw would tek us to the last game against Costa Rica needin' a win and a defeat would see us back on the plane with aall the usual excuses comin' oot again <(just like NUFC de!)

We reely divint naa just wot will happen, but I will be glued to 'Taalk Sport' on mee truck radio on the M1,M6,M5 (or whatever!) az a drive doon to the Bormingham area once again toneet!

"ING-ER-LAND EXPECTS!---BUT WOT WILL WE GET!???"

"OH NO!" *** "FIXTURE CONTROVORSY *** AALREADY!"

Posted '12:52pm bells Thorsday 19th Joon 2014

The fixtures for the new season anly came oot yesterday and AALREADY there iz controvosy ower wor home game against 'The SMBs' on the day after 'Black Eye Friday' on December 20th!

Ne sooner had the ink dried on the fixture list then 'The Dibble' have decreed that this game will NOT take place at this time or date!

It's even made front page headlines in 'The Ronny Gill' and we naa for certain that it indeed WILL be moved, live telly or not!

This haz got us thinkin' at 'The Geordie Times'??? Just how many of wor games WILL be moved throughout the season???

We've decided to see if we can guess and for everyone we get reet we will 'award' worsels a 'goal'
For everyone we get wrang we will concede a 'goal'

For example: We think that wor forst game against 'The Blue Moonies' WILL be moved.
Wor 2nd game away to The Hazbeenz & Villians we think will stay at it's original date and kick off time.
If this iz so --- then we will be '2 goals up' --- If NOT (and we get it horribleee wrang!) then we will be '2 goals doon'

The 1st roond of TV schedulin' isn't due to be published til July and we will make wor predictions before then!

The question on everybody's lips <(or at least wors, anyway!) iz will we 'score' more goals than we concede by the end of the season???
Watch this space carefully to find oot!

NUFC PREMYAA LEEGUE FIX OOT TOMORROW!

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 17th Joon 2014 

Tomorrow iz a big day in 'The Geordie Times calender' az the Premyaa Leegue fixtures for the forthcomin' season are released.

There iz ne doubt that at least half of them will be moved for live telly and for othaa teams European commitments <(but NOT us of course!), so in a way it iz a waste of time publishin' the dates and kick off times! (For example---Last season, wor very forst game against 'The Blue Moonies' of Mancland waz put back from the Saturday to the Monday neet for live telly!)

Nonetheless!---We will publish them az soon az they are released and they shud be on-line by 'high noon bells' at the soonest! <(remember!---we bring yoo aall the news forst hand, second!) < (Or iz it second hand, forst???)

"Watch this space! ---Watch this space!"  

NUFC *** PRE SEASON FIXTURES 2014-2015 *** LATEST NEWS!

Updated '1:30pm bells' Monday 16th Joon 2014

"IZ THAT AN INDOOR SHOPPIN CENTRE!?"
VELTINS ARENA *** SCHALKE 04 FC

The latest fixtures to be added to the pre season friendlies list iz a resorve U21 away game against Barnsley on 4th August @ a venue to be conformed and wor U19s will be playin' in a tournament in Jawmany in late July 

NUFC 1st team games in GOLD
NUFC X1s in YELLOW <(games we think will be a mixture of 1st teamers and resorves)
NUFC Resorves/U21s in PINK
NUFC Juniors in GREEN

Tue 15th July *** ("Aa told him!")> Oldham @ Boundary Park @ '7:30 bells'

Fri 18th July *** 'The Heedbangers' of Gatesheed @ Gatesheed Stadium @ '7:30 bells'

Tue 22nd July *** Sydney FC @ Forsyth Barr Stadium, Dundedin, New Zealand (Sooth Island) @ '7:30 bells'

Sat 26th July *** Wellington Phoenix @ Westpac Stadium, Wellington, New Zealand (North Island) @ '4:30 bells'

Thu 24th July to Mon 28th July *** (U19s) Tournament of Spvgg Oberndorf, Jawmany 

Mon 28th July to Fri 1st Aug *** (U16s) Northern Ireland Milk Cup Tournament in Northern Ireland! <(believe it or not!?)

Mon 28th July *** Funabashi (Japan) @ Scroggy Road, Limavady @ '3:30 bells'

Tue 29th July *** Coonty Londonderry (N Ireland) @ Colraine Showgroonds, Colraine @ '8 bells'

Wed 30th July *** Espanyol (Spain) @ Seahaven, Portstewart @ '7 bells'

Shud we get that far, the semi finals and final take place on Thu 31st July and Fri 1st Aug 



Wed 30th July *** Sheff Wed <(who else on a 'Wednesday'!?) @ Hillsborough @ '7:45 bells'

Sat 2nd Aug *** Malaga (Spain) @ Veltins Arena, Gelsenkirchen, Jawmany @ '3:30 bells' (the home of Schalke 04)
('The Jellied Eels Mob' of West Ham play Schalke @ '5:30 bells'---same venue)

Sun 3rd Aug *** Schalke 04 @ Veltins Arena @ '5:30 bells'
('The Jellied Eels Mob' play Malaga @ '3:30 bells'---same venue)

Mon 4th Aug *** Barnsley U21s @ somewhere in Barnsley? '1:30 bells'

Tue 5th Aug *** 'uddersfield Toon @ McAlpine Stadium <(we aalways use the old name!), Huddersfield

Sun 10th Aug *** Real Sociedad @ St James' Park @ '1:30 bells'

Sat 16th Aug *** Premyaa Leegue season kicks off!

The excitin' news iz that 'The Geordie Times' will have reporters at EVERY forst team game includin' Jawmany and New Zealand!

'Little'? old me' will be in Jawmany and we are sendin' 'Liam from the Lamp' to New Zealand, where we are (very generously!) payin' for a huge percentage of hiz *8 flights-- "Er!"--9 flights! 'there and back' (and 60 hours in the air!), hotel accommodation, match tickets and food (and of course!)> drink!  *(this includes 2 internal flights between the 'North' and 'Sooth' Islands of New Zealand!)

The deal iz that 'Liam' will pay 99.99% of the estimated
£3,000 bill ******* AND! ******* 'The Geordie Times' will pay the rest! <(5 pence!) <(which we have aalready paid him in advance!!!) <(ne expense spared on wor part!)

THE GEORDIE TIMES GETS IT WRANG AGAIN!

Posted '11:20am bells' Sunday 15th Joon 2014


^ THE GEORDIE TIMES GETS IT WRANG! *** THE SUNDIH SUN GETS IT REET! ^

Just ower an hour ago 'The Geordie Times' posted that Ing-er-land had lost 2-1 to The 'I-ties'

Just bought the Sundih Sun and to my horror we got it wrang again!
We can anly apologise yet again for anothaa horrendous error in thinkin' that wor national team had lost! <(I blame the broon ale!)

Ing-er-land will now surely WIN the World Cup!

ING-ER-LAND 1 THE 'I-TIES' 2 *** THE BIG SLEEP! *** "ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!"

Posted '10:05am bells' Sunday 15th Joon 2014

Az predicted aa fell asleep in from of mee 'state of the art' wide screen telly ^(see above!)^ deep into the forst half, when the scores were level at 1-1!
Ing-er-land played better than wot aa thought they would up til then, but! the 'I-ties' aalways seemed to have the upper hand!

The equaliser from Daniel Sturridge two mins after The 'I-ties' had scored the forst goal through Marchisio, stirred me from my slumbers, but aa waz soon fast asleep again az the 'liquid refreshment' from the days session in the Toon took it's toll!

I awoke in the orly hours when the match waz finished, not knowin' the final score til this mornin' when the BBC news gave me the bad news that Balotelli had won the game for them!

The news aalso showed fans who had taken pix of their families az they watched from their livin' rooms and half of them were asleep!----just like me! <(although it haz to be said that most of them were pre-teenage kids!---well past their bed time!)

'The Big Sleep' continues on Thorsday neet when we take on Uruguay!---aa cannit wait! "ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!!!!!!!"

ING-ER-LAND EXPECTS! ****** "ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzz!!!!!"

Posted '9:40pm bells' Saturday 14th Joon 2014


MANAUS 'FRUITBALL STADIUM!


Ing-er-land are in action in the Brazilian jungle retreat of Manaus against 'The Spaghetties' of Italy @ '11 bells' toneet and wor prediction in a stadium that looks like some kind of giant tropical fruit, iz a borin' game which will send yoo 'fruity' and to sleep by 'the midnight hour!'

Reeely, they have az much chance of winnin' the World Cup az 'The Toon' have of winnin' the Premyaa Leegue next season!

We wish them well of course and we hope we are completleee wrang!----BUT!!!----"ZZZZZZzzzzzz!!!!"  

GEORDIE TIMES AWAY PUB(S) OF THE YEAR 2013-2014 WINNERS!

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 14th Joon 2014


'THE GEORDIE TIMES' REEEL ALE PUB OF THE YEAR *** BUT WHERE IZ IT?

Here's the moment yiv aall been waitin' for!---'The Geordie Times' away 'reeel ale Pub' and 'best dive bar' awards for season 2013-2014!

The reeel ale pub of the year izzzzzz! (in revorse order!)

In thord place!

THE LOCOMOTIVE (Stoke)
A canny bar that we foond by chance aboot a 20 minute waalk from the groond. Propaa glasses and good beer at reasonable prices and the natives were friendly az well! <(not like normal Stoke fans!)

'THE LOCO' TROPHY ROOM!

In second place!

THE MALT SHOVEL (Hull)
A great little boozer on the main road to the groond, again aboot a 20 minute waalk to the groond. The bar iz stuffed with live tigers shud anyone start workin' their ticket!---Again the locals were friendly and the manager and hiz wife welcomed us to try their selection of reeel ales!

"AND THE WINNER IZZZZ!"---

THE WELLINGTON! (Villa & West Brom)
This bar iz tucked up a hill within a 5 minute waalk of Birmingham New Street rail station.
They have so many reeel ales on offer that they number them on a chalk board and yoo simply ask for a '69' or whatever! <(No! NOT that kind of '69'!)

An old style bar that seems to be gannin oot of existence these days, 'The Welly' iz immaculately clean and the beer iz 'immaculately caad'!


"AND IN COMPLETE CONTRAST!"

The 'Dive Bar' of the year award!

There waz ne competition in this category az the bar in question 'waz in a leegue of it's own'!

"AND THE WINNER IZZZZZ!"

THE CLOCK! (Everton & Liverpool)

The sheer depravity of this place takes some believin' az the 'aroma' of sweaty armpits and the 'spewy smells' from the 'designer' carpet squares on the floor 'hit yoo'! <(somebody must have 'hoyed up' the neet before!)

ON CLOSER INSPECTION THE CARPET SQUARES ARE STAPLED
(AND STUCK!) TO THE FLOOR TO STOP ANYBODY NICKIN' THEM!

Situated on a main road equidistant from both Goodison and Anfield (15 minutes) this 'dive' takes some beatin' and it iz highly recommended that yoo wear a 'stab-proof vest' if yoo change anythin' ower a fiver at the coontaa!


ENTRANCE TO THE 'SELECT' LOUNGE AREA OF THE BAR!

The locals are friendly enough <(IF yoo divvint look at them the 'wrang way'!) and yoo would have thought we had horns stickin' oot of wor heeds when we entered the bar az it fell deftly silent!

Friendly signs for customers tell yoo that 'Tommy Smith' is barred' <(we assume it's NOT hardman Tommy Smith who used to play for 'The Liverbirds'?) and the 'polite' sign in the stench filled 'tool-shed' for one of their 'regular customers' iz a GEM!
 
 

THE GEORDIE TIMES AWAY PUB OF THE YEAR AWARDS 2013-2014! *** WINNERS TO BE ANNOONCED ON SATURDAY!

Updated '10:30pm bells' 'Friday the 13th!' Joon 2014

We've decided to de a 'pub of the year award' for the best Premyaa Leegue away pubs we visited last season:


THE RETRO BAR,  MANCHESTER
ONE OF THE NOMINATIONS FOR 'THE GEORDIE TIMES'
 AWAY PUB OF THE YEAR 2013-2014

There are two catagories: Best 'reeel ale pub' and best 'dive bar! "The nominations are!"----

The Cellar (Sooothampton)

The Crabtree (Fulham)

The Big Red (Arsenal)

The Malt Shovel (Hull)

The Irish Club (Sporz)

The Locomotive (Stoke)

The Overdraft (West Ham)

The Harvesters (Swanzee)

Canton Rugby Club Bar (Cardiff)

The Retro Bar (Man C & Man U)

The Wellington (Villa & West Brom) (Birmingham centre)

The Clock (Everton & Liverpool)

The William IV (SMBs) (Gatesheed High Street!) <(there waz ne way we were gannin for a gargle in mackemland!)

The Murderers Arms (Norwich)

The Railway Telegraph (Palace)

The William Morris (Chelski) (Hammersmith)

The winner will be annoonced sssometime next Saturday! <(aa bet yiz cannit wait for the result!?)

WORLD CUP BORTHDAY BONANZA!

Posted '3:02pm bells' Thorsday 12th Joon 2014

"WE HAVE SOME JOYOUS NEWS TO TELL YOU!"
'FINK THE MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPER'
HAS GIVEN FIFA HIS KIND PERMISSION TO KICK OFF
THE WORLD CUP ON HIS BIRTHDAY!"

For those of yee who divvint naa it's mee 'big zero' borthday today and FIFA president Sepp'tic' Blatter phoned me up the other day and said:
"Fink!" "Is it OK if we kick the Brazil World Cup off on your birthday?"

I of course replied:
"WHEY AYE MAAN!--NE PROBLEM!"
and so 'it came to pass' (that on my express permission only!) the openin' ceremony and forst game will be played toneet, when hosts Brazil play Croatia in Sao Paulo @ '9 bells' (live on ITV 1)

Then tomorrow Mexico play Camerooon @ '5 pm bells' (ITV 1)
Spain play Holland @ '8 pm bells' (BBC 1)
and Chile play Australia @ '11 pm bells' (ITV 1)
and of course Ing-er-land are in action on Saturday neet when they face Italy in Manaus @ '11 pm bells' (BBC1)

Personally aa cannit wait til '2 bells' on Sunday mornin' when the Ivory Coast play Japan! <"YAHOOOO!"