"TAXI FOR NEWCASTLE AIRPORT PLEEZE!"

Posted '1:38pm bells' Thorsday 20th February 2014

A very interestin' and excellent article appeared in yesterday's Daily Mail by Martin Samuel, which just aboot sums NUFC up at the moment and 'The Geordie Times' haz reproduced bits of it below, which ring very (very!) true aboot wor current crazy predicament!

Quote: " Newcastle United have no director of football and no managing director!  The owner is rarely in attendance and no permanent signings have arrived in the last two transfer windows!"

"There are plenty of contenders for the worst run club in the Premier League---and Fulham have set the bar pretty high in recent weeks---but given all their advantages, Newcastle should be in line for some form of lifetime achievement in the field!"

"Magnificently supported, from a region that has consistently produced some of the best footballers in Europe, they contrive year on year to find ever more humiliating ways to fail or implode!
No small success is ever built on, no decision so smart that it can quickly be undermined!"

"When Joe(K) Kinnear left as director of football, the first thought was that he had been sacked for failing to recruit players. The latest suggestion is that his employers were upset when he negotiated only £19million from Paris St Germain for Yohan Cabaye! They wanted more! Now we know what the 'director' stood for in his title!---Directing the best players to the airport!"

"Pardew is the patsy in the middle! He obviously decided long ago that the best way to keep his job---and he is not long into an eight year contract---would be to shoulder each fresh indignity without complaint, whether it was the sale of his best player without replacement, or the appointment of an overseer, who soon became a professional joke!"

"Pardew is trying to turn around a vessel that is not so much afloat as adrift!---Newcastle are bobbing along with the engines off and no captain to take responsibility!"

"Pardew never offers even mild dissent against Mike Ashley's running of the club, which wins him few friends amongst the fans! 
As Ashley hasn't turned up for a home game since September, it makes the manager the only senior club official on match day!
No wonder there is tension!
It is merely his misfortune to be saddled with a club that has lost it's purpose!---They might sack him one day, but it still won't mean they care!"

WOT MORE CAN WE ADD???---EXCEPT!

"A boat withoot a rudder!"
"A yaught withoot a sail!"  
"A ship withoot an engine!"
"A catastrophic tale!"      

"WOR NEXT MANAGER!--OR!--DIRECTOR OF FOOLS! ***PERHAPS!?"
(DIVVINT BET AGAINST IT!!!)

"THANK GOD WE'RE NOT SUCCESSFUL!

Posted '2:07pm bells' Wednesday 19th February 2014

For weeks now av been 'sweatin' on an event that might have taken place on the same day az a Toon match, namely the christenin' of grandbairn Freya!

"SUNDAY MARCH 23rd!" aa waz telt today, iz the 'big day' next month and a frantic look at the calendar (when nebody waz lookin'!) conformed that we play Palace at home on the day before and THAT Sunday iz NUFC FUTBAALL FREE!-----mainly because we are NOT a big attraction anymore and thankfully, neethaa are Palace!---so av 'got away with it' once again az the telly fixtures for March have aalready been announced! <("pass 'the broon ale'---pleeeze!") >

PS: Divvint tell anybody!--- BUT!  guess wot would have taken priority?----and I leave yoo to guess az to whether divorce proccedings would have been imminent!???

100,000 THOOSAND REASONS TO BELIEVE! *** "THE HOLY GRAIL AT LAST!"

Posted '10:00am bells' Monday 17th February 2014


"THE CELEBRATIONS HAVE STARTED AROOND PLANET EARTH AALREADY!"
THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING *** NEW YORK!


A momentous occasion haz just happened to 'The Geordie Times' this mornin', az we have just received wor ONE HUNDRED THOOOSANDTH pageview today to join 'the big boys'!???!

It haz taken nearly THREE AND A HALF YEARS to reach the 'holy grail'? from when we forst started dein it seriously in October 2010 and we of course thank each and every one of yoo, from the fower corners of the globe (and beyond!) for loggin' into 'the mad-sad groundhopper's' website!


"SHOES OFF FOR THE GEORDIE TIMES!"
THE MIDDLE EAST!

In total 147 countries and territories (plus Mars!) have now 'visited' us with the old UK (not suprizingly) the top dogs with 50,758 hits followed by wor USA friends from across the pond who have 18,888 hits and then in 3rd place we have the Ukraine with 5,389 hits!
While total overseas pageviews are closing in on the 'historic'? 50,000 mark az we speak!--which accounts for virtually half wor total!


SYDNEY *** AUSTRALIA!


The joyous news haz even reached the solar system and wild celebrations around Mars have begun in earnest!


"NEWS HAS JUST FILTERED THROUGH FROM PLANET EARTH!"
"THE GEORDIE TIMES HAS JUST HAD IT'S 100,000th HIT!"
"GET THE BROON ALE OOT!"

DERBY COONTY U18s 0 THE TOON U18s 1 *** FA YOUTH CUP 5th ROOND

Posted 9:17pm bells' Sunday 16th February 2014

"ER"!" SORRY ABOOT THE FUZZY PICTURE, BUT LIAM'S CAMERA IZ CR*P!"

NUFCs youth team progressed to the 6th roond of the FA Youth Cup with a narrow win ower Derby @ Pride Park this afternoon!

The one and anly goal of the game waz scored by Adam Armstrong and hiz goal iz described by 'Liam from the Lamp' who waz there to witness it!


"HE WAZ THERE! *** THE PROOF!"


"Woodman kicked up to Aarons who gave it to Armstrong, who in torn dummied the Coonty defender to place the baall into the corner of the net! 1-0 to 'The Toon'!"

"THE TEAMSHEET! ---"WHEY! ---SOME OF IT, AT LEAST!?"

Attendance: 2,000 (estimated), 18 Toon fans, includin' Toon travellers', 'Simon from Whitley Bay', 'Biffa the Beer', 'Glennn from Ashington', hiz sidekick 'Bysey', 'Michael the Mag', 'The Caped Crusader' and 'The Mad Professor'!  

BLANKETY BLANK YET AGAIN!

Posted '12:41pm bells' Saturday 15th February 2014

"OH NO!---NOT LES AGAIN!?"

For the SEVENTH weekend this season we find worsels withoot a game on a Saturday or Sunday, this time for wor non participation in the 5th roond of FA Cup, thanx to wor exit to Cardiff at the beginnin' of January!
At least the players and management arnt gannin on an aall expenses paid trip to Dubai this time, like they did on FA Cup 4th roond day! <(Their 'reward'? for the Cardiff capitulation!)

Wor next game iz not til a week tomorrow when we face Paul Lambert's 'Hazbeenz and Villians' @ St James' in a live '1:30 bells' telly game!
Followin' recent results where we have lost SEVEN of wor last NINE games, we find worsels in 'middle diddle' in 9th place in 'The Premyaa', 13 points from a European slot and (more worryingly!) just 13 points from a relegation spot! <(ie: WE ARE STILL NOT SAFE YET!)

There IZ a game however, tomorrow afternoon, featurin' wor Youth team, who take on Derby @ Pride Park in The FA Youth Cup @ '2 bells', for any of yooz who fancy gannin'?

PS: The anly game we can find on Tyneside today which iz definatly on, iz Gatesheed's Conference game against Woking @ Gatesheed Stadium and 'grown up' NUFC season ticket holders can get in for just NINE QUID on production of their NUFC season ticket card. ('3 bells' start!)
'The Heedbangers' are 'de-in canny' and are currently in a 'play-off place' for a place in The Futbaall Leegue!  

CROWN PROSECUTION GIVES TOON THE PORFECT 'REMY'DY

Posted '12:30pm bells' Friday 14th February 2014

A little bit of good news reaches 'The Geordie Times' from wor correspondent from the 'deep south', namely 'Alex of St George' (who lives in Middleton St George in between Smogland and Darlo!), who tells us that wor top goalscorer Loic Remy haz been cleared of aall charges of rape by 'The Crown Prosecution Sorvices' @ 'Scotland Yard' and iz free to play for us for the rest of the season!

With NE GOALS in the last fower Premyaa Leegue home games we desperately need him for the visit of 'The Hazbeenz and Villians' on Sunday week, followin' hiz 3 match suspension after hiz sendin' off at Norwich!

THE TOON 0 SPORZ 4 ***** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-2014

Posted '10:30am bells' Thorsday 13th February 2014

"LIFE CAN BE KRUL!"

In complete contrast to hiz performance at White Hart Lane orlier this season when he had an absolute blinder, this time wor goalie Tim Krul had an absolute nightmare when he waz clearly at fault for the forst 3 goals!

Played in a howlin' gale and drivin' rain it waz obvious from the start that Sporz had come for the 3 points az they attacked wor goal @ The Gallowgate End.

They opened the scorin' in the 19th minute when a cross across the box waz parried by Krul straight to the feet of Sporz'z Adebayor for a simple tap in!

WE had a chance to level things not lang after, when Cisse shot straight at Lloris in the visitors goal, but that waz the end of wor attackin' prowls for that half and we went in one doon at the break!

Sporz doubled their lead in from of their 2,000 or so fans @ The Leazes End when an Adebayor shot waz again parried by Tim Krul straight to Paulhino, who gleefully exepted the easy chance in the 53rd minute!

WE were woeful at this point and many of wor players didn't looked interested at aall ,while those who did, wornt good enough anyway! (includin' wor one and anly loan signin' De Jong who waz substituted by Ben Arfa in the 63rd minute!)

Another parried blunder by Krul in the 82nd minute, gifted the baall to Adebayor once again and he finished sharply az the Toon fans heeded for the exits in resigned mood!

Wor misery waz completed at 'the death' when Chadli struck a superb shot past Krul, who waz blameless this time!

That's FIVE home games in a row we have lost, FOWER of them in the Premyaa Leegue, where we have failed to score a solitary goal!

The misery continues unabated!---Villa are next up in 10 days time az we have yet another 'blankety blank' weekend, due to wor non involvement in the FA Cup!
12 games to gan!---the season can't end quickly enough for many fans!---role on May the 11th!

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Williamson, Steve Taylor, Santon (Dummett 446), Gouffran, Sissoko, Anita, Sammy Ameobi (Marveaux 71, De Jong (Ben Arfa 63), Cisse

Attendance: 48,264 (2,000 Sporz fans) The attendance MUST have been made up with season ticket 'non attenders' included, az there were gaps to be seen aall ower the groond, includin' 2 empty sections in 'level 7' of The Leazes End! (There were 4 empty seats in front of me for example) (and ne sign of 'The Fat Controller' in the directors box yet again!)
My prediction of a 45,000 crowd, therefore, waz much nearer the mark!

SPOT THE EMPTY SEATS! (MIDDLE OF PIC)

THE TOON v SPORZ *** TONEET!

Posted '4:00pm bells' Wednesday 12th February 2014

ACTION FROM WOR GAME AT WHITE HART LANE
ORLIER THIS SEASON *** WE WON 1-0!
(THE TOON ARE IN 'BRAZIL YELLOW')

Toneet we face a Sporz side (for the 150th time in wor leegue and cup history) who are chasin' a Champions Leegue place, while we 'fight it oot' with Sooothampton az to who finishes 8th or 9th this season! &lt;("WOW!")
Many fans think the season iz ower anyway <(includin' little ol' me!) and thoughts of wor 'charge for the Premyaa Leegue title' just under 20 years ago, seem like a very distant memory!

Because of the bad weather and bad practices by wor beloved? owner 'The Fat Controller', we predict a crowd around aboot the 45,000 mark!---still very good compared to most clubs, but we think that there will be aboot 7,000 empty seats in St James' anyway <(we shall see!?)

Loic Remy sorves the last of hiz 3 match ban, while (ddeep breath!) Coloccini, Tiote, Gouffran, Cisse, Debuchy, Obertan and Bigi'banana' <(JoeK 'yee naa whos' pronoonciation of hiz name!) are aall injured and winnit play!

This iz a ready made excuse for wor beleaguered manager 'I Beg Your Pardew', shud we succumb to the "norf Landaners!" @ '7:45 bells', in wor 13th last game of the season! <(so wor manager keeps tellin' us!?)

A full 'Geordie Times' match report will be forthcomin' tomorrow dinnaatime az per usual and we can anly hope for better fare than we have been sorved up lately! <(again!---we shall see?)  

TOON U21s 0 THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE U21s 2

Posted '12:17pm bells' Tuesday 11th February 2014

Match report and 'grainy' pix by 'Liam from the Lamp' ****      'The Geordie Times'z Cheeef Futbaall Correspondent!

Forst half:
"The Toon didn't start off well---like! and were one-nowt doon at the break when Leicester's Adam Dawson chipped the baall ower Jak Alnwick in the Toon goal!"---"It waz then time to heed for the clubhouse for some much needed 'liquid lubrication'!"

Second half:
"Efforts from Aarons and Gilliead for 'us' after the restart ended up in the 'crowd'?--- az the visitors pressed for the second goal---like!"
"This came in the 79th minute when Michael Cain 'caned' wor defence by runnin' past them, before slottin' the baall home to seal the game for 'The Basil Brush Brigade'!"

Attendance: 269 <(NOT! includin' part-timer 'Fink' who had to gan to graft!)

"We have now just won ONE oot of wor last EIGHT U21 games---Exactly the same stats az THE FORST TEAM!!!!"

"POSITIVELY NEGATIVE!"

Posted '2:00pm bells' Monday 10th February 2014

"I BEG YOUR PARDEW!???"

Yet more garbage haz come from the mouth of wor beleaguered manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' ,followin' on from hiz 'support' for 'JoeKanory' , the 'one and only' 'Clown Pr*ck of Soccer', who lost hiz job az 'Director of Fools' last Monday, when he said that he could take some 'positives' oot of wor 'negative' 3-0 defeat by Chelski on Saturday and bemoans wor injury list! <(shud have bought some quality players in the transfor window and not sold Cabaye, mee finx, Alan!)

He says that Sissoko and Marveaux shud have scored for us and of course he is right!, but they DIDN'T and then conveniently forgets that 'The OAPs' were streets ahead of us and could have had at least 3 more goals themsels az they completely ootplayed us!

When the home side scored their 2nd goal in the 34th minute---we thought?---how many more?---and luckily for us it waz anly '1'! 

We have won just 1 game oot of the last 8 and have lost the last 4 homes games in a row! <(tell me just WOT 'positives' yoo can take from that stat!???)

Sporz are up next @ St James' on Wednesday neet az they fight for a Champions Leegue place, while we must fight it oot with Sooothampton to see who finishes 8th or 9th this season!

It's a good job we started off well at the beginnin' of the season or else we'd reeely be in the S*IT right now!

It will be very interestin' to see just how many empty seats there are in the groond come Wednesday, but we are 'negatively' 'positive' that thoosands will be empty!

Meeenwhile, @ 'Blue Flames' in Benton toneet wor U21s take on Leicester in a '7 bells' kick off---unfortunately! <(or 'fortunately' some would say!) a'v got to gan to graft and will miss the game! BUT!---fear not!---az wor intrepid paparazzi reporter, 'Liam from the Lamp' WILL! be there to bring YOO (wor loyal reeders!), a full and compreeehesive match report and pix? <(dependin' on IF he haz had hiz camera fixed yet on hiz cr*p fone???)

Watch this space tomorrow!