THE KRAY TWINS! *** JELLIED EELS! *** AND AALL THAT!

Posted '9:01pm bells' Friday 17th January 2014

It iz fast approachin' 45 years since aa forst set foot in "Landan's Eest End" to watch The Toon!
The game waz played at the same time az The notorious Kray Twins gangsters trial waz takin' place at The Old Bailey and we lost 3-1 that day, with Wyn Davies gettin' wor goal!
Below iz a match report from that game aall them years ago, when 'jellied eels' were a speciality 'dish' roond them parts! < (Quick!---pass mee zimmerframe!)

Below that iz a preview of tomorrows game against WHU

BIG FAT SAM'S JELLIED EELS MOB v THE TOON **** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Updated '1:01pm bells' Friday 17th Jamuary 2014

THE BOLEYN GROOND LAST SEASON *** 0-0 !

Tomorrow mornin' we're off on the '125' to 'The Smoke' once again, this time to the "eest end of Landan" where we take on 'Fat Sam's Jellied Eels' @ The Boleyn Groond in Upton Park!

The home side are on a bad run at the moment (apart from their win at Cardiff last week---like!) and this iz the perfect opportunity for us to take aall three points, although WE are not exactly on a good run eetha, havin' lost wor last FOWER games!

We have sold wor entire allocation of 3,000 tickets, so lets hope we are 'up for it' @ Upton Park come '3 bells'!?

Ne team news for us yet, but former Toon striker Andy Pandy Carroll shud feature after retornin' from a lang injury last week, although he haz never scored against us (yet!)
Anotha former 'Mag' Kevin Nolan iz suspended and won't play!

For those of yoo who like a drink, the trains doon are 'liquid lubrication' friendly, BUT aall the one's back from 6:30 onwards ARE NOT! <(we are on the '9 bells' train back, so at least we have a bit time 'shovel' a few pints/gallons! doon wor necks before travellin' back! "Hic!"

"WHEY AYE!--DUBAI!"
After the match the Toon players are bein' 'rewarded'? for gettin' knocked oot of the FA Cup by Cardiff ,when they will 'jet off' to Dubai for some 'warm weather' trainin' on the date(s) of the fourth roond ties next week, az we of course divvint have a game because of this!!!! <("divvint forget the golf clubs, lads!")

Az per usual a 'Geordie Times' match report will be forthcomin' sometime on Sunday! 

CANARY CUSTARDS GAME UNCHANGED! *** "HORRAY!"

Posted '1:00pm bells' Wednesday 15th January 2014


LAST SEASON'S GAME AT CARROW ROAD *** 0-0 !

AT LAST!---some good news to report in January after the disastrous defeats against West Brom and Cardiff, plus the 'no goal' against Man City! (NOT! forgettin' wor wasted 525.2 mile roond trip to Bishop's Stortford on Monday!) (see below!)

Because *'The Canary Custard Crumbles of Norwich' lost 3-0 to *'The Jacksonless Jivers of Fulham' <(explanations below!) in their FA Cup replay last neet, it meens that wor game in Norwich gans aheed az planned on Tuesday January 28th!
It would have been changed to the Wednesday had Norwich progressed, az their game against Sheff Utd in the next roond of the cup waz due to be played on the Sunday before, for live telly!

Wor £10 each way train tickets which we porchaced a while back can now be used and NOT binned! (To re-book would have cost us a fortune at short notice!)
Like aa say!---AT LAST! some good news!

*We used to caall them 'The Jackson Jivers' because of the Michael Jackson statue which stood ootside Fulham's groond. But the statue of him haz now been removed from Craven Cottage!---SO! 'The JacksonLESS Jivers' it iz!

*Norwich's celebrity chef owner Delia Smith's speciality iz 'Rhubarb and Custard Crumbles' (ie: The green and yellow of Norwich!)

GROUND NUMBER 307 (NOT!) WOODSIDE PARK, BISHOP'S STORTFORD

Updated '12:15pm bells' Thorsday 16th January 2014


"SPOT THE RAIN DROPS!"


ground number 307 (NOT!)
Date of first visit (to clubhoose!): 13th January 2014
Woodside Park, Bishop's Stortford

Tottenham Hotspur U21s P
Newcastle United U21s P

FA Premier Reserve League
Attendance: 14 in the clubhoose---8 NUFC saddos!

"525.2 MILES TO HAVE A PINT IN 'THE NAGS HEAD'!"

The trip to deepest Hertfordshire to watch the resorves play Sporz resorves started off @ 'high noon bells' + 30' (That's! 12:30 to yoo ignoramassesss!) when 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' torned up at wor hoose and then it waz onward to 'The Newcastle Arms' near St James' to pick up 'Glennn from Ashington' and 'Biffa the Beer'!

Fower and a qwaata hours later (and 250 miles plus) we arrived at the groond to find it shut, with the car park deserted, but the floodlights were on!--- "Game on!"

Az the clubhoose wasn't open yet we decided to heed into the toon and find a boozer to quensh wor thirsts and 'The Nags Head' waz the forst one we came across two minutes away!

"525.2 MILES FOR A PINT OF SHANDY!!!"

Fower quick pints between us later (shandy for me az aa waz the driver!), we decided to heed back to the groond which waz situated at the end of an industrial estate and in the flight path of Stansted Airport some three miles distant!

"Heartbreak in Hertfordshire!"

By this time torrential rain waz pourin' doon and az we parked up 'Biffa' got a 'dreaded text' off  'Dave from York' who waz in the now open clubhouse, that the match had been POSTPONED because of a waterlogged pitch!---"Game off!" --we couldn't f***** believe it!---aall that way for NOWT!

"WE WAZ THERE!"  ("NOT!")

'The Caped Crusader' then torned up like a 'half drooned rat' soaked to the skin and we gave him the (not unexpected!) bad news!

A quick look at the pitch which waz covered in puddles conformed that the match couldn't take place az both sets of players stood around wonderin' wot to de next in a corridor leadin' to the pitch.
We entered the clubhoose to find 'Dave' with hiz sidekick 'Alex of St George' droonin' their sorrows (in more ways than one!)

They had used their FREE rail passes, travellin' through ELEVEN counties on various 'branch lines' to get there in their quest to try and travel on EVERY rail line in the country! 
We divvint want to bore yoo to death, but we just naa that yoo are 'dyin'? to naa which counties they went through!---arnt yoo??? They were (deep breath!)---Durham, North Yorks, Humberside (now East Yorks), Sooth Yorks, Notts, Lincolnshire, Leicestershire, Cambridgeshire ,Bedfordshire ,Hertfordshire, and Middlesex! <(It DOESN'T get much sadder than this, I'm afraid!)

But it nearly DID!---az 'Glennn from Ashington' pondered for a while whether to stay and watch the match at Sporz trainin' groond the next day, az waz then rumoured, az he hasn't missed a resorve game home or away so far this season! <(sheer stupidity if yoo ask us!)
However! this waz just a rumour az The Toon were reluctant to stay doon there anothaa day!
He decided NOT to 'risk it' and come back with us, az he had ne where to stay or plans for comin' back! (the train would have cost him an arm and a leg!)

Anothaa Toon fan caalled 'St Albans Steve' (coz he lives there!) waz devastated the match had been postponed az this would have been hiz 100th groond watchin' The Toon!

It waz then the lang drive back to Tyneside after wor fruitless jorney (a 525.2 miles roond trip!) and just five miles from the groond the rain (predicably!) stopped!
We eventually got back at 'midneet bells' (after nearly smashin' the suspension on a speed hump at Wetherby Sorvices!) wonderin' if we'd ever get the chance to gan there again!???

PS: The game WAZ played at Sporz trainin' ground  at 'high noon bells' the day after <(a groond we visited last season!)
 'Alex of St George' and 'Dave from York' who had stopped doon the London area for a bit of extra 'train-line spottin' were there and telt us that it waz 1-0 to Sporz after 16 SECONDS!
Score after 30 minutes: we were FOWER (4) -NIL DOON!
Half time score waz: 4-1 (ne news of wor scorer?)
Full time: there were ne more goals so Sporz won 4-1!
We eventually foond oot that The Toon's scorer waz Michael Richardson in the 37th minute!
(PS:'The Train-line Saddos' <(their new name!) aalso managed to 'squeeze in' 'Essex' az well, the next day!?)

Footnote: Because the game waz actually played, it meens that wor chances of ever seein' The Toon play @ Bishop's Stortford are very slim az Sporz will be in a different division to us next season, az the resorve leegue splits into two divisions (Sporz will be in the top division and we will be in the lower, due to wor leegue positions!)  

THE TOON 0 THE BLUE MOONIES 2 ***PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Posted '9:00am bells' Monday 13th January 2014


THE TOON ATTACK 'THE GALLOWGATE END DURIN' THE 2nd HALF

"NO JUSTICE @ ST JAMES'Z! "YOU F*****G  OLD C**T!"

Wot can we say aboot the disallowed Cheik Tiote goal that hazzent aalready been said???

Yi'v aall probably seen the incident a thoosand times---but!--- how can yi chalk off a goal of this quality coz a player NOT interferin' with play, iz in an offside position???

After Tiote's wonder strike he ran to the Toon dugout where he waz hugged in delight az Joe Hart in 'The Blue Moonies' goal protested to the referee that Yohan Gouffran waz interferin' with play!
The linesman on the far side had KEPT HIZ FLAG DOON (ne offside!) but the ref went to him some 30 seconds later and told him to RAISE HIZ YELLOW FLAG and rule the goal OFFSIDE! (which he DID!) The worst decision a'v ever seen---EVER!

The crowd and wor manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' went mad aboot the injustice of it aall, but it waz to ne avail az the teams went in at the break to a crescendo of boos a'v never heard before!
Pardew apparently caalled  Pellegrini "A F*****G  OLD C**T!" (Pardew iz 52--Pellegrini iz 60!) az both camps argued az they went doon the tunnel!

'The Blue Moonies' had taken the lead after just 7 minutes through Dzeko who simply stode through wor defence to fire home @ 'The Gallowgate End' and thoughts of a 'cricket score' entered mee heed at this stage!

However!---we re-grouped and and az the game ebbed 'to and fro' we got the vital breakthrough (or so we thought!?) not lang before the interval with Tiote's strike! (TV later picked up a conversation between the ref and linesman in which 'the liner' said the baall had struck Gouffran before enterin' the net!--it obviously DIDN'T but the goal waz chalked off by the man in black!)

The 2nd half waz played oot to a chorus of boos directed at the linesmen, ref AND Joe Hart and we came close on several occasions to gettin' the equaliser!

And then deep into stoppage time 'The Blue Moonies' made the game safe when Negredo broke through and hiz shot waz saved by Tim Krul but rebounded straight back to him for a simple tap, with the goal empty!----Justice had NOT been done!

Toon team: Krul, Yanga (Haidara 82), Santon, Tiote, Williamson, Steve Taylor, Sissoko, Anita (Cisse 73), Cabaye, Goufrffran (Ben Arfa 82), Remy

Attendance: 49, 423 (less than we expected!) (2,500 'Blue Moonies' who hadn't taken up their full allocation of 3,000 tickets!?)

PS: We are off on anothaa groundhoppin' mission in a few hours time to Bishop's Stortford in deepest Hertfordshire, where The Toon U21 resorves are playin' Sporz U21s
Match report on that game to follow sometime tomorrow!

THE TOON v THE BLUE MOONIES *** TODAY!

Posted '9:38am bells' Sunday 12th January 2014

ACTION FROM WOR LEEGUE CUP TIE AGAINST
'THE BLUE MOONIES' ORLIER THIS SEASON!
(WE LOST THIS ONE 2-0!) (VIEW FROM 'THE LEAZES END')

This afternoon @ St James' we have an 'eeezy'? fixture against 'The Blue Moonies of Mancland' in a '2:05 bells' kick off, for live telly!

Wor visitors have won the last NINE games against us and (az mentioned orlier this week) they are gannin' for an unprecedented 'TEN in a row'! which shows the gulf in class between the two clubs, who are both owned by the mega rich! (one spends the money and one keeps it!) <(guess which one 'keeps it'!?)

We can anly hope that they have an 'off day' after their six-nil demolition of 'Fat Sam's Jellied Eels' last Wednesday and hope (and pray!) that we divvint put in yet anothaa 'Mr Hyde' performance az we did against Cardiff last week and West Brom on New Years Day!

Both 'Fab' Coloccini and Davide Santon are likely to miss the game due to injury and 'Mat' Debuchy of course iz still suspended, after hiz daft sendin' off at West Brom!

The weathaa on Tyneside today iz very frosty az aa look oot across 'the sacred Tyne river', but can we give 'The Mancs' a 'frosty reception' az well?, in front of an expected capacity crowd!
Put your hand up pleeeze 'Dr Jykell'!

A full 'Geordie Times' match report will be forthcomin' tomorrow mornin' and then we're off on the road @ dinnaatime to sample the delights of Bishop's Stortford in Hertfordshire to watch the Toon's U21 resorve side play Sporz U21s in yet anothaa mad-sad groundhoppin' 'mission' tomorrow neet! <(wethaa permittin'!?)

Match report on that game sometime on Tuesday!

SMB U18s 0 THE TOON U18s 1 @ THE ACADAMY OF SSHHH! (YEE NAA WOT?)

Updated '1:00 pm bells Saturday 11th January 2014

Az we speak the forst Tyne/weardo derby of the new year haz just taken place!
The Toon's U18s played their mackem coonterparts in Cleadon and wor rovin' reporter 'Liam from the Lamp' waz there to bring yoo! wor loyal reeders live updates az they happened!

Kick off 11:00am bells:
11:45 half time: So far ne score! but The Toon have had 3 good chances to tek the lead!

GOAL-FLASH! 55th minute: Herdman scores for the Toon from a Roberts cross---ONE- NIL UP!

FULL TIME: The Toon win the 1st derby of the year, but it waz a poor 2nd half played in an icy wind!

In the under 16s game on the next pitch The Toon won TWO-ONE!--to make it a double celebration on weardoside!

Attendance: 200 (half of them watchin' the U16s game!)
NUFC mad-sad groundhopper fans present, included: 'The Caped Crusader', 'Biffa the Beer', 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer', 'Glennn from Ashington' and of course wor very own 'Geordie Times' chief futbaall correspondent, 'Liam from the Lamp'! 

SMB U18s v THE TOON U18s *** VENUE CHANGE TOMORROW!

Posted '2:00pm bells' Friday 10th January 2014

The forst Tyne/wear derby of the year takes place tomorrow mornin' when wor U18s travel to mackemland.
The game haz been switched from the  Eppleton Colliery Welfare groond to The Academy of Shh! (Yee Naa Wot!) @ Cleadon (SR6 7UN) and the game kicks off @ '11:00 am bells'!
Admission iz FREE!
So if yoo were plannin' to gan to Eppleton tomorrow to watch the youngins, then DIVVINT! (Unless yi want to watch the grass grow---like!?)

"A TALE OF TWO OWNERS!"

Posted '1:45pm bells' Thorsday 9th January 2014

We now must torn wor attention to Sunday dinnaatime when we take on 'The Blue Moonies' of Mancland in a live 'SKY' 2:05 bells' kick off @ St James' Park!

Wor season of course came completely 'off the rails' and affectively finished on Jan 4th, when we were knocked oot of the FA Cup by Cardiff last Saturday, to end ANY interest in the last FIVE MONTHS of the season and ANY silverware (once again!)

The anly thing that matters to 'The Fat Controller' iz just how high we can finish up 'The Premyaa' 'gravy train' for 'the millions' on offer!
Wor own take iz!---we WON'T finish any higher than the 8th position that we are in at the moment and the lowest we will finish iz 10th!
Despite 'promises'??? to the contrary in the summer, we hear that there iz the distinct possibility that NE new signins will be forthcomin' in the January transfor window <("NO said JOE!---aa DON'T think so!"), az we 'plod on' 'trophyless' in mid table mediocrity! (see the back page of 'The Ronny-Gill' above!)

The mega rich 'Arab owned' 'Blue Moonies' in COMPLETE CONTRAST, are 'on the Inter |City 125 line' and are gannin for FOWER trophies az we speak!

They come here after the SIX-NIL demolition of 'Fat Sams' West Ham in the Leegue Cup semis and a certain Wembley place in the final!
On top of that they are gannin for 'The Leegue', the FA Cup and The Champions Leegue for an unpesidented quadruple! (ANYTHIN'! would de us!)

'The Blue Moonies' are aalso gannin for an 'unprecedented'  'TENTH' 'win in a row' against us and we dare-nit think wot the scoreline could be after last weeks shambles, plus wor 'New Years Day' 'no show' against West Brom, but ne doubt 50,000 will be there to see it!

"HUBBLE, BUBBLE, 'DIBBLE', TROUBLE!"

Posted '2:00pm bells' Wednesday 8th January 2014

"BAD NEWS I'M AFRAID ABOOT YOUR OVERTIME 'DIBBLE'!!!
THE TOON AND THE MACKEMS WANT TO KICK THE DERBY GAMES 
 OFF AT '3 BELLS' ON A SATURDAY FROM NOW ON!!!"

Both NUFC and the mackem hierarchy have joined forces to ridicule the claim by 'The Northumbria Dibble Force' that they DIVVINT in ANY WAY influence the kick off times in derby matches between the two clubs!

In an unprecedented joint statement both clubs have made the followin' accusations against 'The Dibble'

"NUFC and SAFC are surprised and disappointed with the statement issued yesterday by Northumbria Police in which the force CLAIMS that the police cannot direct changes for kick off times for the clubs fixtures, referring in particular to derby games!

Over a number of years both clubs have made repeated representations to Northumbria Police to try and reach agreement over kick off times to enable a traditional 3pm kick off or later to enable broadcasters to give the game consideration in the majority of their times slots for live coverage!

Police forces up and down the country have been able to police high profile derby matches for years, including most recently the first ever Welsh derby in the Premier League, Cardiff v Swansea @ 4pm, Arsenal v Tottenham @ 5:15pm and Man City v Man Utd @ 4pm!

In recent years Northumbria Police have rejected EVERY request for later kick off slots including 5:30pm Saturday, 4pm Sunday and 8pm Monday!

Both clubs have evidence in the form of considerable written correspondence which contradicts their statement yesterday!
The force also said that they WOULD NOT police games that kicked off later than 1:30pm!

For Northumbria Police therefore to issue a statement stating that they DO NOT direct changes to kick off times is quite frankly FALSE and ABSURD!

In light of this both NUFC and SAFC will now inform the Premier League that they will be available for kick off times that suit the clubs!" <("SO THERE"!)