SURVIVAL OF THE FATTEST!

Posted '2:06pm bells' Thorsday 26th September 2013



"DON'T FORGET! ---IT'S MY TRAINSET AND I'll DO WHAT I LIKE!"


The latest ramblings comin' from 'The Fat Controller' and hiz gang make grim readin' for the loyal fans!
A club statement says that both the Leegue Cup and FA Cup's are NOT a priority and that a 'top ten' finish iz the desired objective!
Wor European adventure last season aalso contributed to wor lowly leegue position!

In othaa words!---we don't really want to qualify for Europe and must make sure we don't finish in the top six eethaa! <(ne problem there--me finx, with wor paper thin squad!)

The board aalso said that the financial rewards for stayin' in the Premiership are so great, that nothin' else matters!

In othaa words!---we shud gan oot of the cups at the orliest opportunity and focus on wor leegue survival instead!
Ne domestic trophies for nearly SIXTY YEARS and coontin'!

On the cup draw which pairs us with a home tie against 'The Blue Moonies', (who we lost to 4-0 on the openin' day of the season) wor beleaguered 'puppet on a string' manager said: (and I quote!) "I was a 'little'(?) disappointed after we played Man City as so much as their result did not reflect what I felt that that night in terms of how good they were!"

In othaa words!---we may az well put up the white flag of surrender now and give them the tie!---after aall!--- survival in the Premyaa Leegue iz aall that matters! <(now where have aa hord that before!???)

THE TOON 2 THE YORKSHIRE PUDDINGS 0

Posted '10:18am bells' Thorsday 26th September 2013

A Demba Cisse heeder in the forst half and a magnificent Yohan Gouffran strike in the second sealed 'The Yorkshire Puddings' fate @ a noisy St James' Park last neet!

We started off with mixture of forst team and resorve team outfield players, with Tim Krul in goal instead of the expected resorve keeper Rob Elliot!

A massive dibble presence doon the Bigg Market and around the station area beforehand in anticipation of trouble from Leeds fans didn't materialise, but on the way to the match many of them were 'p*ssed oot of their brains' az they made their way to 'level 7 of The Leazes End'

A total of 6,000 of them had made the trip north past Scotch Corner and they gave their side fantastic support from start to finish with, (in the 11th minute) a 15 minute tribute to their (and our) former number 11 Gary Speed, who had helped them win the old Forst Division back in 1992 (their tribute to him waz warmly applauded by the Toon faithful!)


SOME OF THE LEEDS FANS (top level of stand)

Really there waz anly one team in it az the Championship side were ne match for us, even with a weakened Toon team!

Cisse opened the scorin' on the half hour mark @ The Leazes End when he heeded in from a Sammy Ameobi cross to score hiz forst goal in ower a 1,000 minutes for us!

The second goal came in the 67th minute when again, Sammy Ameobi waz involved, when hiz pinpoint pass foond Gouffran just inside the box @ The Gallowgate End and with hiz back to goal he torned and fired in an unstoppable shot, which flew into the top corner of the Leeds goal to seal wor place in the last 16 of the competition!

After the match we heeded for The Newcastle Arms where we hord that we had drew 'The Blue Moonies of Manchester' at home in the next roond!---"bring 'em on!"

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Williamson, Coloccini, Dummett, Gouffran (Vuckic 84), Anita (Gosling 80), Tiote, Marveaux, Sammy Ameobi, Cisse (Obertan 71)

Attendance: 36,220 <(looked more than that? --like?) (6,000 noisy tykes!)

THE TOON v THE WHITE ROSIES! ***TOONEET @ '7:45 BELLS'!

Posted '2:51pm bells' Wednesday 25th September 2013

News that resorve strikers Sammy Ameobi and Paul Dummett will lead the line in toneets Leegue Cup tie  @ St James' conforms the seriousness that we are takin' this competition!

A crowd exceedin' 30,000 iz expected, which will include up to 6,000 of the notorious 'White Rosies' <(The Yorkshire coonty emblem) who will ne doubt be tryin' to run rampage through wor city centre!

However! @ 'high noon bells' aall waz quiet on the 'Westgate Road' with not one Leeds fan spotted anywhere!
Extra time and penalties will take place shud the game end in a stalemate!

'I Beg Your Pardew' says he would like a Wembley trip for some silverware, but if we play wor '2nd string' toneet then yoo may az well forget it mate!

A full match report will of course appear here in due course!
 

"OH NO!"***"HERE WE GAN AGAIN!" ***58 YEARS AND COONTIN'!

Posted '12:30pm bells' Tuesday 24th September 2013

THE BACK PAGE OF TODAY'S 'RONNY GILL'!

Anothaa year comes roond and yet again we here wor players 'spoutin' off' that we will "Win a cup!", which invariably puts 'the kiss of death' on it!

The Leegue Cup iz the one in question at the moment az we play Championship side Leeds @ St James' tomorrow neet in the 3rd roond of the competition!
It aall depends of course which side we put oot--be it a 'resorve X1', like against Morecambe in the last roond (when we just scraped through!) or a 'forst team X1', like the one who lost against Hull on Saturday! (when we hoyed it away!)

Bearin' in mind that we havvent won any domestic cups since 1955! the omens divvint look good!
Leeds will bring around 6,000 fans who will be housed in 'level 7' of 'The Leazes End' and there iz ne doubt that THEY fill field a full strength team!

Any news of just wot side 'I Beg Your Pardew' will pick iz open to debate az we havvent got a Leegue game til next Monday when we travel to Morseyside to face 'The Toffee Noses' @ Goodison Park!

Any developments and we will let yiz naa!---watch this space!

THE TOON 2 BROKEN NOSE BRUCE'S TIGER LILLYS 3

Updated '11:20am bells' Sunday 22nd September 2013

"BROKEN LIFTS, BROKEN NOSES, BROKEN PROMISES!"

The day started off badly, when after a few 'gargels' in 'The Monkey Bar' aa heeded for the match orly to get the lift up to level 7 of 'The Milburn Stand' az mee sprained ankle waz givin' iz 'jip' and aa didn't fancy the 200 stair climb to mee seat!
After waitin' 20 minutes in the queue aa finally got into the 'said' lift with 10 othaaz, anly for the thing to drop slightly instead of gannin' up and aall the power then failed!
We managed to prize the door open to get oot and the lift attendant telt us that he would have to send for an engineer to fix it!
"How lang will that be?" aa asked him!  "Don't know!" came the reply! and so it 'came to pass' that with just 10 minutes to kick off aa waz forced to climb the stairs and when aa (eventually!) got to the top mee ankle had swollen up like a balloon!---but aa did make the kick off! (unfortunately!) <(read on!)

The Toon started off well and Loic Remy opened the scorin' for us at The Gallowgate End with a fine heeded goal!

But then we took the foot off the gas and let Hull back in and they equalised through Brady,who put the baall straight through Tim Krul's legs!

We regained the lead just before the break when once again Remy scored, with a fine shot this time!

Then after the break it aall went 't*tts up' when it took 'Broken Nose Bruce's men' just two minutes to score when a heeder went in off the post from Elmohamdy after slack defendin' from us!
Worse waz to follow when again Aluko vollied home in the 76th minute off the same post to put the game beyond us, much to the delight of old 'Broken Nose'!

We did have a final chance to level things at 'the death', but Remy (of aall people!) missed the easiest of chances to level the match.
Inactivity in the summer transfor window, despite promises to sign at least THREE players, ultimately 'cost us' and a lang hard season iz still in the offin', despite that fine win at Villa last week---and just like the Toon lift (and mee poor ankle!)---we are up one minute and doon the next!

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy (Tiote 86), Santon, Coloccini, Yanga, Cabaye (Gouffran 62), Sissoko, Anita, Cisse (Marveaux 73), Ben Arfa. Remy

Attendance: 51,523 (2,800 Tiger Lillys!) (highest crowd in Britain on the day!)

EIGHTY THOOOSAND THANKYOOOZ!

Posted '9:27am bells' Sunday 22nd September 2013

Two days ago 'The Geordie Times' reached anothaa milestone <(or shud that be 'millstone'?) when we had wor 80,000th hit in total.

The USA is approachin' 13,000 hits and The Ukraine's total iz ower 4,000!
(mee old!) China haz just past the 2,000 mark and Rushaa, Jawmany and The Guinness Republic aall have 1,000 plus pageviews!

In total 142 countries and territories (plus Mars of course!) have now viewed this 'nonsense-no nonsense' website and we once again thank each and every one of yoo for loggin' in!

Cheers! 'Fink' (the mad-sad groundhopper!) <(304 & coontin')


"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"
"WHEY AYE MAAN!"

THE TOON v BROKEN NOSE BRUCE'S TIGER LILLYS ****TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 20th September 2013

ST JAMES' PARK ***THE MILBURN STAND
(Photo from Stevie Harper's testimonial last week)

Tomorrow afternoon 'Broken Nose Bruce' will bring hiz 'Tiger Lillys' to St James' Park in yet anothaa '3 bells' Saturday kick off <(wot the hell iz gannin on---like?)
The former 'mackem miystro' of course oversaw 'The 2010 Demolition Derby' defeat when the SMBs were slaughtered 5-1 @ St James' and we can anly hope that he haz a similar result tomorrow!

The game sees the retorn of former goalie Stevie Harper, but it iz doubtful wethaa he will play in goal az he iz carryin' an injury at the mo!
The Toon team looks likely to be the one that won at Villa last week and anothaa performance like that would surly see off 'The Tiger Lillys' for wor 3rd consecutive victory of the season!? <(we can only dream!)

More to follow on aaall this later, and a full match report will appear here az per usual on Sunday mornin'!    

THE TOON v BROKEN NOSE BRUCE'S TIGER LILLYS ***SATURDAY AFTERNOOON!

Updated '2:25pm bells' Thorsday 19th September 2013

HULL FANS AT LAST WEEKS GAME AGAINST CARDIFF 'RED WINGS'!

We now torn wor attention to Saturday's game against The Tigers of Hull and their fans are up in arms aboot their new owners decision to change their name from Hull City AFC to Hull Tigers for marketin' purposes!
This iz a very very worryin' situation, az once one club gans doon this road, then, like 'copycats', more are sure to follow!

To try and 'Americanise' futbaall in this way iz anothaa erosion of the 150 year history of wor traditions of havin' clubs with simple names like 'City', 'Town', 'County' and of course 'United' bein' banished to the dustbin, if we are not careful!

They of course have aalready done this in Rugby League with Bradford Northern becomin' Bradford Bulls, Wakefield Trinity becomin' Wakefield Wildcats and Leeds RLFC becomin' the ridiculously named Leeds Rhinos! <(when did yoo ever see a rhino runnin' through the streets of Leeds!?)

"It's MY trainset' and I'll do what I like!" Owners, who have absolutlee ne interest in the clubs history, (or wot the fans think!)are hell bent on changin' club colours (Cardiff), groond names (yee naa who!) and now this!!! <(wot next we ask worsels???)

Think aboot it!---'The Toon Army Magpies', 'The Boro Smog Monsters', 'The Hartlepool Monkey Hangers' and 'The Sund'lind SMB's, could be comin to a toon near yoo in the not tooo distant future!

Divvint bet against it!  

"HERE!, KITTY!,KITTY!"*** "JANUARY WINDOW! HERE WE COME!"

Posted '1:08pm bells' Wednesday 18th September 2013

Forst of aall, profooond apologies (once again!) for not updatin' 'The Geordie Times' on a more regular bases like aa used to!
This iz because I am 'stowed off' with graft at the minute and currently have a 'truck run' to Halesowen near Bormingham every weekday (apart from when it clashes with NUFC games!) which iz a 444 mile roond trip from Tyneside every neet!
I simply havvent got time to de az much az wot I used to and I hope yoo understand just why it isn't updated daily!

Anyway!---enough of that!---wor manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' iz in 'The Ronny Gill' today tellin' us aboot hiz transfor targets for JANUARY! and that hiz scoutin' network iz once again scourin' England and Europe for 'marquee signins' with a huge transfor kitty that will be made available! (Wor 'Director of Fools' Joek iz reputedly @ 'The Post Office Tower' in central London az we speak, chasin' up a massive deal!) (SEE BELOW!)

"HERE KITTY!, KITTY!"*** "HIC!"

THE HAZBEENZ & VILLIANS 1 THE TOON 2

Updated '1:38pm bells' Monday 16th September 2013

"UP!" The Premyaa Leegue we go!"


"EF OFF!***IT'S, MY SEAT, WILBER!"


With ne sleep from mee previous neetshift 'truck run' to the Birmingham area, aa boarded the train @ 'The Central' for the '7:30 am bells' service to er! Birmingham!, completlee shattered!
Aall waz well az the fower of us sat at wor table seat in coach 'F'--- until!---we arrived in York station, where a bespecled rotund American got on with hiz similarly shaped wife and shattered wor piece!
"These are MY seats!", he said angrily in a deep Yankee accent az 'Mal the Inglish Skoool Teechaa' and 'The Caped Crusader' vacated the 'said' seats, az they wernt theirs anyway!

He then glared at me through hiz 'John Lennon' style specs and raisin' hiz arms and hands in an upward motion, said, "UP!" in a very loud 'Sargent major style voice', makin' sure that everybody in the packed carriage could hear him!

Az I waz actually in my REET SEAT and not wantin' to cause a diplomatic incident and spoil wor 'special relationship' with wor friends across 'the pond', I decided to reply to hiz 'orders' in a cool, calm and collective manner!

"YOO CAN F**K OFF!"---THIS IZ MY SEAT, '40 A'!", I said az I produced my seat ticket from my pocket!
Hiz wife then torned to him and said, "Just sit down, we don't want to start an argument, Wilber!" < (That's reet!---WILBER! <(He f**kin' deserves it!)

Anyway!--he 'clammed up' after this, but still had the cheek to pick up one of wor papers and read it withoot askin' forst!? <(I decided NOT to start 'World War 3'!)

We got off at 'New Street' (Birmingham) and wished him well on hiz forward jorney to Portsmouth where he waz gannin! and my partin' shot waz to tell Wilber that Portsmouth waz "A Dump!"

Wor forst (and anly!) 'liquid refreshment stop' on alightin' from the train waz a real ale boozer up the hill called 'The Wellington' and we stopped there until it waz time to gan to the match!

On arrival at the groond aa made 'double sure' that aa waz sittin' in the reet seat before plonkin' meesel doon! <(Wilber where are yoo?)
Before lang the teams ran oot and not one Toon player waz of English descent az the game kicked off.
However it didn't take the 'non-Englishmen' very lang to open the scorin', when new boy Loic Remy ran doon the left and crossed to Cisse, who in torn knocked it to Ben Arfa and he had the simple task of wellyin' the baall into the Hazbeenz net!

Cabaye, Remy and Cisse aall went close after this with a Cisse penalty appeal torned doon az well!-- when it surely waz one!? <(gan to 'spec savers' ref!)
We shud have been three up at the break at least, against a very poor home side!

However---Villa came oot in the 2nd half determined to get an equaliser, which they did when Benteke heeded home after Tim Krul in the Toon goal failed to connect with the baall!

A few minutes later Ben Arfa ran doon the right and crossed with Guzan in the Villa goal punchin' oot to Gouffran who from 12 yards oot, slammed the baall into the net to joyous scenes in the visitors enclosure!

"NAMED AND SHAMED!"
This waz the winnin' goal and we celebrated wildly by gannin back to The Wellington for several more 'liquid lubrications'!
It shud be noted that both 'Alex of St George' and 'Dave from York' (who waz celebratin' hiz 70th birthday) BOTH drank Hereford real ale in the 'Welly'!---a disgraceful state of affairs if yoo ask me and both of them shud 'hang their heads in shame'!
(For the record, aa waz drinkin' a cider caalled 'Hazy Daisy' (it sends yoo crazy!!!!)

3 valuable points!---we were now 8th after the othaa results came in and the SMB's were bottom!---lang may it continue!
Aaltogether now! "EE-I-EE-I-EE-I-O"--- "UP!" the Premyaa Leegue we go!"

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Coloccini, Yanga, Santon, Anita (Tiote 74), Cabaye (*Sammy Ameobi 88), Ben Arfa, Sissoko, Remy (Gouffran 63), Cisse   (*oot of the 14 players used anly sub Sammy waz English!)

Attendance: 37,554 (2,800 happy Toon fans!)

Special thanx to 'Mal the Inglish Skoool Teechaa' for match pix and headline!

THE FRONT OF THE VISITORS SECTION AT VILLA PARK!
(NE EXPLANATION NEEDED!)