THE HAZBEENZ & VILLIANS 1 THE TOON 2

Updated '1:38pm bells' Monday 16th September 2013

"UP!" The Premyaa Leegue we go!"


"EF OFF!***IT'S, MY SEAT, WILBER!"


With ne sleep from mee previous neetshift 'truck run' to the Birmingham area, aa boarded the train @ 'The Central' for the '7:30 am bells' service to er! Birmingham!, completlee shattered!
Aall waz well az the fower of us sat at wor table seat in coach 'F'--- until!---we arrived in York station, where a bespecled rotund American got on with hiz similarly shaped wife and shattered wor piece!
"These are MY seats!", he said angrily in a deep Yankee accent az 'Mal the Inglish Skoool Teechaa' and 'The Caped Crusader' vacated the 'said' seats, az they wernt theirs anyway!

He then glared at me through hiz 'John Lennon' style specs and raisin' hiz arms and hands in an upward motion, said, "UP!" in a very loud 'Sargent major style voice', makin' sure that everybody in the packed carriage could hear him!

Az I waz actually in my REET SEAT and not wantin' to cause a diplomatic incident and spoil wor 'special relationship' with wor friends across 'the pond', I decided to reply to hiz 'orders' in a cool, calm and collective manner!

"YOO CAN F**K OFF!"---THIS IZ MY SEAT, '40 A'!", I said az I produced my seat ticket from my pocket!
Hiz wife then torned to him and said, "Just sit down, we don't want to start an argument, Wilber!" < (That's reet!---WILBER! <(He f**kin' deserves it!)

Anyway!--he 'clammed up' after this, but still had the cheek to pick up one of wor papers and read it withoot askin' forst!? <(I decided NOT to start 'World War 3'!)

We got off at 'New Street' (Birmingham) and wished him well on hiz forward jorney to Portsmouth where he waz gannin! and my partin' shot waz to tell Wilber that Portsmouth waz "A Dump!"

Wor forst (and anly!) 'liquid refreshment stop' on alightin' from the train waz a real ale boozer up the hill called 'The Wellington' and we stopped there until it waz time to gan to the match!

On arrival at the groond aa made 'double sure' that aa waz sittin' in the reet seat before plonkin' meesel doon! <(Wilber where are yoo?)
Before lang the teams ran oot and not one Toon player waz of English descent az the game kicked off.
However it didn't take the 'non-Englishmen' very lang to open the scorin', when new boy Loic Remy ran doon the left and crossed to Cisse, who in torn knocked it to Ben Arfa and he had the simple task of wellyin' the baall into the Hazbeenz net!

Cabaye, Remy and Cisse aall went close after this with a Cisse penalty appeal torned doon az well!-- when it surely waz one!? <(gan to 'spec savers' ref!)
We shud have been three up at the break at least, against a very poor home side!

However---Villa came oot in the 2nd half determined to get an equaliser, which they did when Benteke heeded home after Tim Krul in the Toon goal failed to connect with the baall!

A few minutes later Ben Arfa ran doon the right and crossed with Guzan in the Villa goal punchin' oot to Gouffran who from 12 yards oot, slammed the baall into the net to joyous scenes in the visitors enclosure!

"NAMED AND SHAMED!"
This waz the winnin' goal and we celebrated wildly by gannin back to The Wellington for several more 'liquid lubrications'!
It shud be noted that both 'Alex of St George' and 'Dave from York' (who waz celebratin' hiz 70th birthday) BOTH drank Hereford real ale in the 'Welly'!---a disgraceful state of affairs if yoo ask me and both of them shud 'hang their heads in shame'!
(For the record, aa waz drinkin' a cider caalled 'Hazy Daisy' (it sends yoo crazy!!!!)

3 valuable points!---we were now 8th after the othaa results came in and the SMB's were bottom!---lang may it continue!
Aaltogether now! "EE-I-EE-I-EE-I-O"--- "UP!" the Premyaa Leegue we go!"

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Coloccini, Yanga, Santon, Anita (Tiote 74), Cabaye (*Sammy Ameobi 88), Ben Arfa, Sissoko, Remy (Gouffran 63), Cisse   (*oot of the 14 players used anly sub Sammy waz English!)

Attendance: 37,554 (2,800 happy Toon fans!)

Special thanx to 'Mal the Inglish Skoool Teechaa' for match pix and headline!

THE FRONT OF THE VISITORS SECTION AT VILLA PARK!
(NE EXPLANATION NEEDED!)

THE HAZBEENZ & VILLIANS v THE TOON ***TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Posted '3:00pm bells' Friday 13th September 2013

Forst of aall***apologeeez for not updatin' this site on a more regular basis, but the reason iz that a'v been stowed off with work and have had very little time to de anythin'!

Believe it or not, I will be drivin' past Villa's groond on the M6 at '11 bells' toneet on my way back from Halesowen (south of Birmingham) where I am pickin' up a truckload of carpets and floorin' for a company on the Team Valley in Gatesheed!

I will finish at approx. '4 bells' in the mornin' and will then have to dash yem, get changed and heed for 'the Central' where I am catchin' the train BACK to Birmingham at '7:30 am bells' for wor match at Villa Park tomorrow afternoon! <(it's a mad mad mad mad world!)

A'v got to gan doon to Halesowen in a few minutes, but yoo can rest assured that there will be a full match report on the game sometime on Sunday after I (eventually!) get a bit kip!

Cheers!
Fink (the mad-sad groundhopper!)

THE ENTERTAINERS 0 THE INVINCIBLES 0 (INVINCIBLES WIN 2-1 ON PENS) ****STEVIE HARPER TESTIMONIAL

Posted '11:00am bells' Thorsday 12th September 2013


VIEW FROM EAST STAND/LEAZES END CORNER

An unbelievable crowd of 50,793 torned oot for former resorve goalie Stevie Harper's testimonial @ St James' Park last neet!
Considerin' that he played less than 200 games for us in 20 years, it waz a remarkable tornoot!

Former greats like Tino Asprilla, David Ginola, Alan Shearer and Les Ferdinand were in wor team (The Entertainers) but sadly neetha side could muster a goal for the near capacity crowd!

A certain Di Canio played for AC Milan (The Invincibles) and waz booed loudly every time he touched the baall!
The loudest cheer of the neet came when Joey Barton made a crunchin' tackle on the mackem manager and he waz non too pleased aboot it aa can tell yoo!

Paulo had the last laugh though when he scored one of Milans penalties in the shootout to help then win the game! (2-1)

Aall the money raised went to charity with Harper gettin' a standin' ovation at the end of the match!
Well done Stevie!***yoo deserved it!

"SSHHH!!! ***WE TOLD YOU SO!"

Posted '2:30pm bells' Wednesday 11th September 2013


"THE SOS WELCOMIN' PARTY!"***"COMIN' SOON!"


Az predicted by 'The Geordie Times' wor game scheduled for a '4 bells' kick off against the SMB's @ The Stadium of Sshhh!!! <(Yee Naa Wot!)  haz been moved on the orders of 'The Dibble' to a '1:30 bells' start on Sunday 27th October!

Wor game against 'The Swan Lakers' in sooth Wales on Tuesday 3rd December haz now been moved back a day to Wednesday the 4th! <(just to make it a bit eeezier for us!?)

STEVIE HARPER TESTIMONIAL **TONEET!** 'THE ENTERTAINERS! v THE INVINCIBLES!

Updated '1:20pm bells' Wednesday 11th September 2013

"FAREWELL!"***STEVE'S FINAL GAME FOR THE TOON

We must now torn wor attention away from the NUFC Madhoose (for a few days at least!) and concentrate on Stevie Harper's testimonial toneet @ St James' against AC Milan 'Glorie'! (The Invincibles!)   Aall the money gans to charity!

Many 'old crocks' will feature in this game for us with ne current players on show in a 'Select NUFC ENTERTAINERS X1'!
Ex Toon players who will be takin' part at some point include***(deep breath!)*** (in Geordiebetical order!): Tino Asprilla, Peter Beardsley, Joey Barton, John Beresford, Lee Bowyer, Olivier Bernard, Nicky Butt, Lee Clark, Andy Cole, Nicos Dabizas, Kieron Dyer, Les Ferdinand, Ruel Fox, Kieth Gillespie, David Ginola, Shay Given, STEVIE HARPER, Brian Kilcline, Paul Kitson, Rob Lee, Liam O'Brien, Darren Peacock, Alessandra Pist-one!, Scott Sellars, Alan Shearer, Nobby Solano, Pavel Srnicek, Alan Thompson, Steve Watson and finally coach Steve Stone!

Milan will aalso field a team full of 'old crocks' ***(too many to mention!) but they do include Baresi, Maldini and 'one' Paulo Di Canio!

We understand that ower 48,000 tickets have now been sold so far and by kick off time @ '7 bells', it looks sure to be a 52,000 selloot! <(amazin!)   

"FROM RUSHAA WITH LOVE!" ***"ONE THOOSAND THANKYOOOZ!"

Posted '10:00am bells' Monday 9th September 2013


ANZI v THE TOON LAST MARCH @
LUZHNIKI STADIUM, MOSCOW, RUSHAA!
("Get the thormalz oot!")


Rushaa iz the latest country to join 'The Geordie Times' '1,000 Club' when they passed that total a few days ago!
The top ten countries and territories around the world (and beyond!) who have viewed this blog are az follows:

1 UK***40,894
2 USA***12,432
3 Ukraine***4,066
4 "Mee old" China***1,961
5 Jawmany***1,639
6 The Guinness Republic***1,046
7 RUSHAA***1,017
8 Spain***823
9 Greece***688
10 France***557

142 different countries, territories and planets! have now viewed this site, with the latest bein' Fiji, Mongolia and Palestine!
Overseas hits now total 38,306!***which iz just 2,588 less than the UK total! (England, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales!)   

"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"
"WHEY AYE MAAN!"

SCROOGE MENTALITY!

Updated '1:25pm bells' Sunday 8th September 2013

Below iz the list of wot the Premyaa Leegue clubs have spent durin' the summer transfor window***Ne prizes for guessin' who waz the anly team to spent NiXXXy!

1 Sporz***£107.6 million
2 The Blue Moonies***£94.9 million
3 Chelski***£65.5 million
4 The Liverbirds***£48.3 million
5 The Arse***£42.5 million
6 Soothampton***£36 million
7 The Taffy Noses***32.6 million
8 The Cockney Reds***£28.5 million
9 The Jellied Eels Mob***£21.5 million
10 The Swan Lakers***£20.9 million
11 The Canary Custards***20.6 million
12 The Toffee Noses***20 million
13 The Hazbeens & Villians***19.3 million
14 SMB's***19.1 million
15 The Crystal Baalls***15.3 million
16 Broken Nose Bruce's Tiger Lillys***12.1 million
17 The Baggie Troosers***12 million
18 The P*ss Potts***7 million
19 The Wacko Jacko Jivers***6.3 million
20 THE TOON*** 0 PENCE!

"I BEG YOUR PARDEW!, ALAN!"

Updated '2:37pm bells' Friday 6th September 2013

"DID I HONESTLY SAY THAT!?"

Club spokesman 'I Beg Your Pardew' <(whey! who else speaks for them apart from "I'll tell you a story***'JoeKanory"?) haz been comin' oot with some unbeleeevible stuff ower the last couple of days!

Let us remind yoo wot 'The Fat Controller's' 'puppet on a string' said after the last season fiasco, when we nearly got relegated!

May 2013: "We are very (very!) lucky to have the support that we've got!
We still need to make sure that we bring in two or three new recruits which will take us forward! 
We genuinely, genuinely, need a couple in the first team that compliments the others!"

And then two days ago he sez this!: "Joe(K) has been working very hard on numerous targets <(vodka,whisky,gin, etc!)  but they were beyond our financial means! <(ie: ne free transfors!)
"We did the majority of our business in the January window, signing five excellent players!" 
"With the strong squad we have we should all approach the new season in a positive, optimistic frame of mind!" <(we nearly got relegated!) (did we reeely lose 6-0 at home to Liverpool?)

Pinocchio hazzent got a look in with him and 'JoeK'!

"JoeKanory!***JoeKanory!***JoeKanory!"

Posted '1:10pm bells' Tuesday 3rd September 2013

"FANTASY FUTBAALL!"

So the transfor window haz come and gone with ne new permanent signins on board and wor Irish born adopted 'Cockney Clown' 'Joe Kanory' haz made up some fantastic, fantasy and 'make believe' stories aboot this, in a new book to be published soon!

Claims that he would sign quality players of Champions League standard and that he had many (many!) contacts in the game with top managers like Alex Ferguson, Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinho, (who he speaks to on a daily basis!), and that he can pick the phone up and caall ANY other managers in the world aboot transfor targets, are just some of the brilliant stories he haz written for us ower the last two and a half months in hiz role az a 'Director of Fools' at NUFC!
Yi couldn't make it up!
"JACKANORY!***JACKANORY!***JACKANORY!" 

"THE CLOCKS A TICKIN' JoeK'!"

Posted '2:00pm bells' Monday 2nd September 2013

'JoeKanory' haz less than SEVEN HOURS to make a permanent signing for us in the transfor window, after TWO and a HALF MONTHS in the job? of 'Director of Fools'!

A reminder to wot he said when he got the job on June 16th:

"I will sign players of CHAMPIONS LEAGUE quality and I have many irons in the fire and am in daily contact with many top managers!"

Geordie Times reply: "Whey! JoeK--Yi have less than half a day to make az many quality signins az yi like!---we shall see by '11 bells' toneet!"

Conclusion?: see photo at top of page!