"SSHHH!!! ***WE TOLD YOU SO!"

Posted '2:30pm bells' Wednesday 11th September 2013


"THE SOS WELCOMIN' PARTY!"***"COMIN' SOON!"


Az predicted by 'The Geordie Times' wor game scheduled for a '4 bells' kick off against the SMB's @ The Stadium of Sshhh!!! <(Yee Naa Wot!)  haz been moved on the orders of 'The Dibble' to a '1:30 bells' start on Sunday 27th October!

Wor game against 'The Swan Lakers' in sooth Wales on Tuesday 3rd December haz now been moved back a day to Wednesday the 4th! <(just to make it a bit eeezier for us!?)

STEVIE HARPER TESTIMONIAL **TONEET!** 'THE ENTERTAINERS! v THE INVINCIBLES!

Updated '1:20pm bells' Wednesday 11th September 2013

"FAREWELL!"***STEVE'S FINAL GAME FOR THE TOON

We must now torn wor attention away from the NUFC Madhoose (for a few days at least!) and concentrate on Stevie Harper's testimonial toneet @ St James' against AC Milan 'Glorie'! (The Invincibles!)   Aall the money gans to charity!

Many 'old crocks' will feature in this game for us with ne current players on show in a 'Select NUFC ENTERTAINERS X1'!
Ex Toon players who will be takin' part at some point include***(deep breath!)*** (in Geordiebetical order!): Tino Asprilla, Peter Beardsley, Joey Barton, John Beresford, Lee Bowyer, Olivier Bernard, Nicky Butt, Lee Clark, Andy Cole, Nicos Dabizas, Kieron Dyer, Les Ferdinand, Ruel Fox, Kieth Gillespie, David Ginola, Shay Given, STEVIE HARPER, Brian Kilcline, Paul Kitson, Rob Lee, Liam O'Brien, Darren Peacock, Alessandra Pist-one!, Scott Sellars, Alan Shearer, Nobby Solano, Pavel Srnicek, Alan Thompson, Steve Watson and finally coach Steve Stone!

Milan will aalso field a team full of 'old crocks' ***(too many to mention!) but they do include Baresi, Maldini and 'one' Paulo Di Canio!

We understand that ower 48,000 tickets have now been sold so far and by kick off time @ '7 bells', it looks sure to be a 52,000 selloot! <(amazin!)   

"FROM RUSHAA WITH LOVE!" ***"ONE THOOSAND THANKYOOOZ!"

Posted '10:00am bells' Monday 9th September 2013


ANZI v THE TOON LAST MARCH @
LUZHNIKI STADIUM, MOSCOW, RUSHAA!
("Get the thormalz oot!")


Rushaa iz the latest country to join 'The Geordie Times' '1,000 Club' when they passed that total a few days ago!
The top ten countries and territories around the world (and beyond!) who have viewed this blog are az follows:

1 UK***40,894
2 USA***12,432
3 Ukraine***4,066
4 "Mee old" China***1,961
5 Jawmany***1,639
6 The Guinness Republic***1,046
7 RUSHAA***1,017
8 Spain***823
9 Greece***688
10 France***557

142 different countries, territories and planets! have now viewed this site, with the latest bein' Fiji, Mongolia and Palestine!
Overseas hits now total 38,306!***which iz just 2,588 less than the UK total! (England, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales!)   

"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"
"WHEY AYE MAAN!"

SCROOGE MENTALITY!

Updated '1:25pm bells' Sunday 8th September 2013

Below iz the list of wot the Premyaa Leegue clubs have spent durin' the summer transfor window***Ne prizes for guessin' who waz the anly team to spent NiXXXy!

1 Sporz***£107.6 million
2 The Blue Moonies***£94.9 million
3 Chelski***£65.5 million
4 The Liverbirds***£48.3 million
5 The Arse***£42.5 million
6 Soothampton***£36 million
7 The Taffy Noses***32.6 million
8 The Cockney Reds***£28.5 million
9 The Jellied Eels Mob***£21.5 million
10 The Swan Lakers***£20.9 million
11 The Canary Custards***20.6 million
12 The Toffee Noses***20 million
13 The Hazbeens & Villians***19.3 million
14 SMB's***19.1 million
15 The Crystal Baalls***15.3 million
16 Broken Nose Bruce's Tiger Lillys***12.1 million
17 The Baggie Troosers***12 million
18 The P*ss Potts***7 million
19 The Wacko Jacko Jivers***6.3 million
20 THE TOON*** 0 PENCE!

"I BEG YOUR PARDEW!, ALAN!"

Updated '2:37pm bells' Friday 6th September 2013

"DID I HONESTLY SAY THAT!?"

Club spokesman 'I Beg Your Pardew' <(whey! who else speaks for them apart from "I'll tell you a story***'JoeKanory"?) haz been comin' oot with some unbeleeevible stuff ower the last couple of days!

Let us remind yoo wot 'The Fat Controller's' 'puppet on a string' said after the last season fiasco, when we nearly got relegated!

May 2013: "We are very (very!) lucky to have the support that we've got!
We still need to make sure that we bring in two or three new recruits which will take us forward! 
We genuinely, genuinely, need a couple in the first team that compliments the others!"

And then two days ago he sez this!: "Joe(K) has been working very hard on numerous targets <(vodka,whisky,gin, etc!)  but they were beyond our financial means! <(ie: ne free transfors!)
"We did the majority of our business in the January window, signing five excellent players!" 
"With the strong squad we have we should all approach the new season in a positive, optimistic frame of mind!" <(we nearly got relegated!) (did we reeely lose 6-0 at home to Liverpool?)

Pinocchio hazzent got a look in with him and 'JoeK'!

"JoeKanory!***JoeKanory!***JoeKanory!"

Posted '1:10pm bells' Tuesday 3rd September 2013

"FANTASY FUTBAALL!"

So the transfor window haz come and gone with ne new permanent signins on board and wor Irish born adopted 'Cockney Clown' 'Joe Kanory' haz made up some fantastic, fantasy and 'make believe' stories aboot this, in a new book to be published soon!

Claims that he would sign quality players of Champions League standard and that he had many (many!) contacts in the game with top managers like Alex Ferguson, Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinho, (who he speaks to on a daily basis!), and that he can pick the phone up and caall ANY other managers in the world aboot transfor targets, are just some of the brilliant stories he haz written for us ower the last two and a half months in hiz role az a 'Director of Fools' at NUFC!
Yi couldn't make it up!
"JACKANORY!***JACKANORY!***JACKANORY!" 

"THE CLOCKS A TICKIN' JoeK'!"

Posted '2:00pm bells' Monday 2nd September 2013

'JoeKanory' haz less than SEVEN HOURS to make a permanent signing for us in the transfor window, after TWO and a HALF MONTHS in the job? of 'Director of Fools'!

A reminder to wot he said when he got the job on June 16th:

"I will sign players of CHAMPIONS LEAGUE quality and I have many irons in the fire and am in daily contact with many top managers!"

Geordie Times reply: "Whey! JoeK--Yi have less than half a day to make az many quality signins az yi like!---we shall see by '11 bells' toneet!"

Conclusion?: see photo at top of page!

THE TOON 1 THE WACKO JACKO JIVERS 0

Posted '11:45am bells' Sunday 1st September 2013

A crucial game so orly in the season and one we had to win or else we would be stuck in 'the abyss' took place against a Fulham side who were actually worse than us!

It waz obvious from the start that Guss's side were here for a goal-less draw az they put 11 men behind the baall aalmost from the kick off!

That's the way it stayed til half time az most of the crowd sat dozin' in their seats!

The failure of  *'The Cockney Clown' 'JoeKanory' to sign any players in the two and a half months he haz been here waz clear to see az we were unable to break doon 'The Wackos' defence!
*(We naa that he's Irish, but he IZ an 'adopted Cockney' az he haz lived there most of hiz life!) <(and still does!)

The 2nd half wasn't much better and not until the introduction of Yohan Cabaye (to quite a few boos!) and loan signin' Loic Remy (at last!) did we look capable of scorin'!

Cisse then hit the bar with a free heeder which woke the crowd from their slumbers and Remy caused chaos in the visitors defence az the clock ticked doon!

And then at last after aalmost FIVE MONTHS of waitin', in the last throws of the game, up stepped Ben Arfa to slam an unstoppable shot from outside the box after a fine dribble, to leave Stockdale in The Wackos goal stranded az the baall flew past him into the net at The Gallowgate End!

A massive roar then enveloped St James' az the players celebrated wildly, az did the fans!

Three valuable points were in the bag and justice had been done against the negative visitors who will ne doubt be in the mire by the end of the season! (Lets hope that WE are NOT!)

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Yanga, Coloccini, Santon, Ben Arfa, Sissoko, Anita (Cabaye 65), Marveaux (Remy 74), Shola Ameobi (Gouffran 65), Cisse 

Attendance:46,402 (just 500 Wacko Jackos!)

THE TOON v THE WACKO JACKO JIVERS of FULHAM ***THIS AFTERNOOON!

Updated '11:25am bells' Saturday 31st August 2013

ACTION FROM WOR GAME AGAINST 'THE WACKOS' IN APRIL

We must now torn wor attention away from The Leegue Cup and back to The Premyaa Leegue where we play the men from Craven Cottage, (home to the Michael Jackson statue!) @ St James' Park for the THORD '3 bells' Saturday home game in a row! (Wor resorves played Wolves here two weeks ago and of course we played West Ham last week!)

We are lookin' for wor forst home goal for nearly FIVE MONTHS (April 7th!) when, coincidently <(we naa the 'massive' words az well!) we beat Fulham 1-0 with a 94th minute last gasp goal from Demba Cisse @ The Gallowgate End <(where wild celebrations followed!)

It looks likely that Cabaye(bye!) will be in the squad after hiz disgraceful refusal to play against Man City and West Ham, followin' Arsenal's £10 mill bid for him which waz torned doon! But many fans are unhappy aboot this (inc me!) and think he shud be shown the door for hiz complete un-loyalty to us!

Anyway!--the fact that we havvent scored at home for so lang, tells it's own sorry story aboot wor plight and the inactivity in the transfor market, despite repeated promises from 'JoeKanory' that we will sign a striker of CHAMPIONS LEEGUE QUALITY??? <(yi havin' a JoeK!)
With just THREE days left before the window closes, it iz an  unbelievable situation that we find worsels in! <(pass a crate of 'broon ale'---quick!)

Match and pub crawl report to follow sometime tooneet or Sunday mornin'!

MORECAMBE v THE TOON ***TOOONEET!

Updated '1:04pm bells' Wednesday 28th August 2013

"NO!***NOT THAT MORECAMBE!"

'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' will make their forst ever visit to The Globe Arena, Morecambe, toneet, aalthough some of us have actually seen The Toon play in Morecambe before, when wor resorve side played Blackborn resorves there a few years ago at their old Christie Park groond!

We're not sure wot side 'I Beg Your Pardew' will send oot for this League Cup tie, but we have hord that Sammy Ameobi will be in the startin' line up, which meens we think that a mainly resorve team iz expected to play? < (we shall see!)


"AYE!***THAT ONE!"

The groond which opened in 2010 and cost £12 million to build, holds just 6,400 and we have been allocated 600 seats and 1,200 standin' places and aall tickets are now sold oot!

We leave at '2 bells' for the delights of Morecambe Bay!
More to follow on this game later when we get back!