RIO AVE 3 THE TOON 1

Posted '9:25pm bells' Saturday 21st July 2013

The Toon put in an apparentleee shockin' performance in northern Portugal orlier on toneet, when after just 26 minutes we were THREE-NIL DOON! < (we couldn't find anywhere that showed the game live!)

Shola 'Yeenaawho,obi' pulled one back late on, but to lose withoot apparentleee breakin' sweat iz shockin' ( but not unexpected!) to say the least!

It seems to us that nebody, includin' the players, manager, director of foolbaall and a certain obese benefactor, gives two 'monkeys' f***s just where we will end up this season!

A lang hard season (once again!) seems to be the fate of the lang sufferin' NUFC fans yet again!

"The Fat Controller haz a lot to answer for!"

GRAND TOUR OF SCOTLAND 4! ***RIO AVE v THE TOON *** THE TOON U21s v SOOTHAMPTON U21s

Updated '9:45am bells' Saturday 20th July 2013

RANGERS v THE TOON

It haz been belatedlee conformed that we will play a FOURTH pre season Scottish friendly on Tuesday August 6th when we will travel to Glasgow to face Rangers @ Ibrox Park @ '7:45 bells'

Ticket prices are set @ £15 for grown ups, a tenner for zimmerframeites and a fiver for sprogs!


RIO AVE v THE TOON @ '6:00pm bells' tooneet

Meenwhile the forst team are of course in action in northern Portugal toneet when we face Rio Ave @ '6 bells'.
Az mentioned last week, I am unable to gan for a number of reasons  <(After TEN (expensive!) trips to Europe last season, mee piggy bank iz shoutin' for help and beggin' me for mercy!)
(Aaltogether now!: "Who wants to be a millionaire?---I do!")
Aalso, due to circumstances beyond my control, aa cannit gan away for the six days needed to watch the two games!
(PS: Mee 'competitive' European record iz thankfully still intact, havin' not missed one since 1977***113 'in a row' home and away!)


TOON U21s v SOOTHAMPTON U21s @ 2:00pm bells' this afternooon

HOWEVER!---there IZ a Toon game on Tyneside @ '2 bells' this afternoon, when wor Under 21s take on Soothampton @ Darsley Park, behind closed doors!
A'm gannin to make an attempt to get in to this game, but cannot divulge the method I intend to use az it will 'give the game away'!

Watch this space to see if aa DE manage to get past security and the fifteen foot high fence that surroonds the NUFC trainin' compex!

It iz then intended to de a bit of 'Mad-Sad Tellyhoppin' and find some boozer that iz showin' wor game in Portugal live, but aa havvent hord of anywhere yet!

WELCOME BACK TO THE NUFC MADHOOSE!

Posted high noon 'bells' Thorsday 18th July 2013

The front and back pages of today's 'Ronny Gill' does NOT make good readin' for Toon fans!

We now find worsels in the ridiculous situation of wor star centre forward refusin' to wear the logo of a money lendin' company on religious groonds, despite him wearin' one last season for anothaa money lendin' company???

At the end of the day, even though wor new sponsors charge higher interest rates than wor previous ones, they are STILL in the 'same game'! ie: they BOTH lend money for PROFIT!

We are told that Cisse haz NOT travelled to Portugal for pre season trainin' and will therefore NOT be playin' in wor two reported friendlies in the north of that country!

"PAPISS CISSE WEARIN'  LAST SEASON'S MONEY LENDER'S  LOGO!?"  

He iz reported to be trainin' alone at wor Benton base and shud he refuse to 'back doon', then there will anly be one outcome---won't there!
With EIGHTEEN DAYS of the transfor window gone, we are STILL the anly Premyaa Leegue club withoot any new signin's, so this iz aall we need!

When will the madness end at this club????---NOT before we get a new owner we suspect!-----"DIVVINT HAAD YER BREATH!"

THE MUTHAA F*****S 2 THE TOON 4 ***FIR PARK (GROUND NUMBER 301)

Updated' 2:55pm bells' Wednesday 17th July 2013 

"THE 'MUTHAA' OF AALL GROONDS!"

THE GRAND TOUR OF SCOTLAND 2013 (Part One)

"MAMA WE'RE AALL CRAZY NOW!"

The Toon started off their pre-season in Scotland with a fine 4-2 win @ Fir Park last neet against Scottish Premyaa Leegue runners up Muthaawell!

The two and a half hour drive from Tyneside in the bakin' heat ended outside the Fir Park Social Club where we parked up and went in for a few 'gargels'! <(to quensh wor thirsts---yoo understand!)

At £2 admission to the club and 'Smiths' at £3:20 it wasn't a cheap day oot and not suprizingly the locals 'gave it a miss' and the bar waz half empty with just one hour to kick off!

A few noisy Toon fans were in the lounge next door where a Kareoke waz gannin on and 'anti-mackem' songs to the tune of 'The Monkees' <(yi naa the ones!) were dein' the roonds!

From there, we heeded to the away tornstiles and there were around 1,500 Toon fans who had travelled with around 3,000 'Muthaa F*****s' in the home sections!

The Toon took the lead in the 8th minute when Haris Vuckic tapped in after the home keeper had fumbled the baall!
The lead was doubled 7 mins later when Gouffran slooted home after bein put through by Vuckic.

A solitary England flag made an appearance, much to the annoyance of the home fans, congregated in the corner of the main stand! (drummer boy and aall!)

'The Muthaa F*****s' reduced the deficit not lang after  with a fine shot from Vigurs!
Then, in the 36th minute "Get out of our club!", anti 'Fat Controller' chants were hord for the forst time in the visitors section, with aboot 50 or so joinin' in! < (not me, by the way!---wot waz the point?--he wasn't there anyway!)

The two goal advantage waz restored in the 38th minute when 'The Sissoko Kid's shot was fumbled by the home keeper for the second time and the baall trickled ower the line to the delight of the 1,500 or so faithful behind the far goal, where a smoke bomb waz set off amongst the 'anti 'Fat Controller' brigade'!


Again the home side reduced the deficit, when just after the re start James McFadden lobbed in a free kick which beat Elliot in The Toon goal!

The final goal came in front of the away supporters when in the 64th minute Dummett crossed and 'Marveaux the Magician' waz on hand to score with the simplest of tap-ins!

A good forst workout for wot waz mainly a young Toon side and in total, includin' the subs, NINETEEN player were given a 'workoot'!----Lang may it continue!

Toon team: The "nn nn nn nner nineteen!": Elliot, Taverier, Dummett, Yanga,  Streete, Williamson, Steve Taylor, Anita, Richardson, Obertan, Ferguson, Sammy Amiobi, Amalfitano, Sissoko, Abeid, Vuckic, Marveaux, Gouffran (and finalleee!), Campbell!

Attendance: 4,075 (1,012 Toon fans) < (there looked to be many more than this in wor end?---a 'gate fiddle' or wot?)

MUTHAAWELL v THE TOON *** TOONEET!

Updated '1:30pm bells' Tuesday16th July 2013

"THE 'MUTHAA' OF AALL GROONDS!"

A'v trawled through the NUFC record books from 1893 to date and aa can tell yoo that The Toon have NEVER played Muthaawell in a forst team competitive or friendly game at eetha St James' Park or Fir Park!
In 1999 we DID play a resorve game on their trainin' ground when we drew 2-2 with their resorves, but that iz it!

We're leavin' shortly this afternoon and it will be a change to see the ground from close up, rather than from the M74 a mile away, where yoo can just see the floodlight pylons above the trees az yoo crane your neck az yoo drive past!

I must have seen the 'same view' 300 times or more az I've driven backwards and forwards in mee truck to Glasgow ower the years, which iz less than 15 miles up the motorway!
Indeed in the last month alone a'v past 'the floodlights' at least 10 times, so it will great to actually visit the groond at last!

The Toon are the ANLY Premyaa Leegue club to date, NOT to have signed any new players and this iz very worryin' indeed!
So ne new faces will be in the line up tooneet, with 16 days of the transfor window gone aalready!

Several of wor forst choice players will be missin' toneet and so it will be a Toon X1 who will be takin' the Scottish Leegue's runners up @ '7 bells' 

We will be housed in the MOP Stand (Maxim Office Park Stand)and admission iz £15 for big kids and £5 to £10 for sprogs and zimmerframeites

PS: Less than one hour after writin' this 'piece', aa got a phone caall to de a night trunk to Glasgow at '8 bells' last neet!---SO!-- aa actually passed Motherwell's ground twice more at midneet on the way there and then again at 3 this mornin' on the way back! 

Match and pub craal report to follow sometime on Wednesday!

NUFC 2013-2014 PRE SEASON FIXTURES *** LATEST NEWS!

Updated '10:45am bells' Sunday 14th July 2013

It iz now just TWO DAYS before wor forst pre season friendly  ower Hadrian Waall @ Fir Park, Motherwell and less than a week before 'The Toon' heed to Portugal for two games in the north of the country! <due to circumstances beyond my control <(aa cannit gan away for six days!) and financial considerations <(mee piggy bank iz nearly empty after TEN trips to Europe last season!) aa cannit make the Portuguese games this time! <(if only I waz a millionaire!)

BUT!--- 'FEAR NOT!---'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' WILL be represented in Portugal in the shape of 'The Caped Crusader', 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer', 'Glennn from Ashington' and 'Biffa the Bear'! <(aka: 'Biffa the Beer'!)

The 'excitement' @ wor forst ever visit to 'The Muthaa of aall groonds' iz gatherin' pace and the 'Kil-Joy' news that we WILL be playin' @ Rugby Park, Kilmarnock haz been finally conformed by the home club!---makin' wor pre season a 'triple heeder' on wor 'Grand Tour of Scotland', az of course we gan to St Mirren at the end of the month az well!

The full conformed pre season fixtures for aall NUFC teams are az follows:
KEY: Orange=NUFC 1st team    Yellow=NUFC U21/X1 Green=NUFC U17s/18s    BCD=Behind Closed Doors

JULY
TUE 17  Hamilton Accies @ Darsley Park BCD

TUE 17  Motherwell @ Fir Park (7:00 bells)

SAT 20 Soothampton @ Darsley Park BCD

SAT 20 Rio Ave @ Estadio Des Arcos (6:00 bells)

TUE 23 Pacos De Ferreira @ Estadio De Mata Real

WED 24 Workington @ Borough Park (7:30 bells)

SAT 27 Kilmarnock @ Rugby Park (3:00 bells)

SUN 28 Blackpool @ Bloomfield Road (3:00 bells)

MON 29 'O Higgin's of Chile @ Colraine Showgrounds (3:30 bells)

TUE 30 County Armagh @ Ballymena Showgrounds (8:00 bells)

TUE 30 St Mirren @ St Mirren Park (7:30 bells)

WED 31 The Liverbirds @ Ballymoney (7:00 bells)

AUGUST
FRI 2 Gatesheed @ Gatesheed Stadium (7:30 bells)

SAT 3 ????? OPPONENTS AND VENUE TO BE CONFORMED!

SAT 10 Braga @ St James' Park (6:00 bells)

"WHEN IRISH WHEY AYE(S) ARE SMILIN' ***A THOOOSAND THANKYOOOZ!"

Posted '9:15am bells' Sunday 14th July 2013


THE SIGN SAYS!***"GUINNESS IS GOOD FOR YOU!"


'The Geordie Times' haz just receeeved it's 1,000th 'hit' from 'The Guinness Republic', makin' it the SIXTH nation to pass the fower figure mark!
We thank each and everyone of yoo for loggin' into this site from 'Guinnessland'!
We know that quite a few of those hits come from the Maynooth area near Dublin where 'Mr McQ' and hiz son Ciaron are regular visitors to both this site and to 'The Toon'! < ("see yoo soon!")

The nations who have reached this 'landmark'? are az follows:

1 The UK (36,855)
2 The USA (11,441)
3 The Ukraine (3,653)
4 "Mee old" China (1,834)
5 Jawmany (1,483)
6 The Guinness Republic (1,000!) 

NUFC 1st TEAM PREMYAA LEEGUE/CUP FIXTURES 2013-2014

Posted '12:45pm bells' Saturday 13th July 2013

 

THE LEAZES END OF ST JAMES' PARK
PHOTO TAKEN FROM LEAZES PARK

NUFC 2013-2014 conformed 1^st Team fixture dates

(‘til the end of  November)
We don't see the point in publishin' the entire seasons fixture list az quite a few more will ne doubt be changed for live telly etc. from December onwards!

Az per usual aall fixture are in ‘Geordie Times Cryptic Code’ to avoid copyright infringements (Work them oot ---if yoo can!?)

KEY: ORANGE=HOME GAME   PINK=AWAY GAME

AUGUST

MON 19 The Blue Moonies of Manchester @ City of Manc Stadium < (it’s original name!)

Live on SKY @ 8:00 bells

SAT 24 The Jellied Eels Mob @ St James’ Park @ 3 bells

W/C MON 26 League Cup 2^nd roond (opponents, venue and date to be conformed)

SAT 31 The Wacko Jacko Jivers of Fulham @ St James’ Park @ 3 bells

SEPTEMBER

SAT 14 The Hazbeens and Villians @ Villa Park @ 3 bells

SAT 21 Broken Nose Bruce’s Tiger Lilys < (will try and think of a better name!) @ St James’ Park @ 3 bells

MON 30 The Toffee Noses @ Goodison Park @ 8 bells

Live on SKY

OCTOBER

SAT 5 The ‘Taffy’ Noses @ Cardiff City Stadium @ 3 bells

SAT 19 The Liverbirds @ St James’ Park @ 12:45 bells

Live on BT

SUN 27 The SMB’s @ The Stadium of SHH! (yee naa wot!) @ 4 bells < (Aa bet yi ANYTHING YI LIKE that this will be changed to ‘high noon bells’ by ‘The Dibble’!)

Live on SKY

NOVEMBER

SAT 2 The OAP’s of Chelski @ St James’ Park @ 12:45 bells

Live on BT

SUN 10 Sporz @ White Hart Lane @ ‘high noon bells’

Live on SKY

SAT 23 The Canary Custard Crumbles @ St James’ Park @ 3 bells

SAT 30 The Baggie Troosers of West Brom @ St James’ Park @ 5:30 bells

Live on SKY

"KILL-JOY!"

Posted '10:00pm bells' Thorsday 11th July 2013

AT LAST!---confirmation that wor friendly game @ Rugby Park, Kilmarnock iz to gan aheed after aall, on Saturday 27th July, with a '3:00 bells' kick off!

This of course iz  'joyous news' to aall 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' who have never been to 'Killie' before! (inc little ol' me!)

We HAVE played here before, 31 years ago in 1982 when we played oot a goal-less draw in front of 1,500 hardy souls, but aa wasn't into 'mad-sad' groundhoppin' mode' at that point in mee life and missed the game!

AT LAST!---aa will be able to 'right' this 'wrong' and will be makin' a bee-line for Ayrshire on the day in question!

"GET THE FLAGS OOT!"


"KILLIE!***KILLIE!***HERE WE COME!"



IT'S MOONDAY EVENIN' BLUES!

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 111th July 2013  

"BLUE MOONDAY ONE!"

Az predicted by 'The Geordie Times' undercover reporter on Tuesday, wor forst Premyaa Leegue game of the season against 'The Blue Moonies of Manchester' haz been moved to the dreaded Monday neet slot for live telly!
The game @ 'The City of Manc Stadium' <(it's original name!) kicks off @ '8:00 bells' on Monday 19th August and iz on
SKY SPORTS 1

Then!--anothaa 'Blue Monday' comes up when we play 'The Toffee Noses of Everton' @ Goodison Park with anothaa '8:00 bells' kick off on Monday 30th September  (SKY SPORTS 1)

"BLUE MOONDAY TWO!"

The Liverbirds' then visit Tyneside for a '12:45 bells' start on Saturday 19th October   (BT)

On October 27th we heed for 'The Stadium of Shh! (Yee na wot!) to play the SMB's in a '4:00 bells' Sunday kick off? < (Aa bet yi ANYTHING YI LIKE!, that this kick off time will be changed to 'high noon bells' by 'The Dibble')   (SKY SPORTS 1)

'The OAP's of Chelski' then visit St James' Park on Saturday 2nd November @ '12:45 bells'  (BT)

Then we actually DE play an away game @ 'high noon bells' when we visit London to play Sporz on Sunday 10th November!
(SKY SPORTS 1)

And finally!--wor last live fixture to be announced so far, will be a home game against 'The Baggie Troosers of West Brom' on Saturday 30th November with a '5:30 bells' kick off time!
(SKY SPORTS 1)



'The Geordie Times' will post wor revised fixtures up to the end of November, sometime ower the weekend! (watch this space!)