THE TOON v THE METAL GURUS ***TOONEET!

Updated '11:50am bells' St Valentines Day 2013

"ONLY ONE LOVE!---NUFC!"
("Er!"---"apart from 'wor lass'---like!")

"IT'S JUST LIKE WATCHIN' BRAZIL!"

The Toon are expected? to name a near full strength team for this Europa Leegue 'St Valentines Day' game @ St James' Park, thanx mainly to gettin' knocked oot of the FA Cup at the thord roond stage, az we have a free weekend comin' up az it's 'fifth roond day(s)'!

The wethaa isn't too canny at the minute, (although it isn't az caad az it waz yesterday!) but the 500 Metalist fans who have been given FREE travel by their very generous club owner on three chartaa flights,< (take note 'Fat Controller'!) can expect 'Ukrainian style wethaa' at tooneets game az the 'current bun' disappears ower the horizon! (ie: it will be freeezin' caad with the chance of snow!)

The game iz live on ESPN and kicks off @ '8:05 bells' and we predict a sub 30,000 crowd in the sub zero temperatures!

Wor manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' haz made a bizzare statement aboot this competition: "This is probably the toughest competition we are in other than the Premier League!"
When you consider that we are anly left in these TWO competitions anyway, havin' been knocked oot of the 'lesser' Leegue Cup and the FA Cup, <(accordin' to him!) IZ he tryin' to tell us somethin'?

Wor visitors of course have been here for a week to acclimatize  and played a practise friendly against Whitley Bay (of aall teams!) on Sunday in which they drew 1-1 with the Northern Leegue side!<(don't for a second be fooled by this scoreline!)
We won't speculate on wor 'near full strength' team line up toneet,<(We'll just have to wait and see!) but we understand that Metalist will have SIX Brazilianz in their side and THREE Argentinianz!

This will be wor 71st home game in aall European competitions <(includin' 6 in the Anglo-Italian Cup) and 142nd game in total <(13 Anglo-Italian Cup games!)
Lets hope it's a 'St Valentines Day' 'massacre'<(in WOR favour!!!)

PS: Wor possible opponents in the next roond, (shud we get through!?) are Anji Makhachkala of Rushaa or Hannover 96 of Jawmany, who play @ '5 bells' toneet @ Anji.
We can anly hope that Hannover 'get through', az the trip to Rushaa cud be a nightmare, az visas will be required at very short notice, priced at £150 from their London embassy! ---we understand!
"HOWAY HANNOVER!"

Match report to follow much later az usual!

TWO MORE FIXTURE CHANGES FOR LIVE TELLY!

Posted '7:15pm bells' Wednesday 13th February 2013

Two more fixtures in April have been moved for live telly---wor home games against the SMBs which will now take place @ '12:45 bells' on Saturday 13th April for SKY telly and the Liverbirds game which will kick off @ '5:30 bells' on Saturday 27th April for ESPN!

It shud be noted that if eetha 'US' or the Liverbirds reach the semis of the Europa Leegue than that game will be moved once again!

For aall the NUFC fixtures click onto 'fixtures' @ the top of the page toolbar 

UKRAINE ON THE PLANE AND SOOTH WALES ON THE TRAIN!!

Updated '9:45am bells' Wednesday 13th February 2013


'THE GIANT SPIDER STADIUM'!---F.C. METALIST KARKIV 

The NUFC Thomas Cook chartaa trip to The Ukraine next week iz now virtually full with just FIVE seats left on the plane to fill az we write this!----SO!--- if yi thinkin' of bookin up, de it now before it's tooo late!---(£399 plus match ticket price!) Fone them on: 0844 800 9900

The direct flight to Karkiv departs from Toon Airport @ '6 bells' next Wednesday mornin', retornin' to Toon Airport @ '1:45 bells' on the Friday mornin'! (one neet stay)

Meenwhile doon in the Welsh valleys we hear that we are to be allocated a paltry ONE THOOSAND!(1,000) tickets for wor visit to Swanzee at the beginnin of next month???
In theeze circumstances NUFC have annoonced that 50 loyalty points (thoze of us who have been to a minimum of 50 away games!) will be required to porchase a 'prized ticket' for this game!

THE TOON v THE METAL GURUS ***THIS THORSDAY NEET @ ST JAMES'!

Posted '9:40am bells' Tuesday 12th February 2013

On Thorsday neet @ '8:05 bells' we face Metalist from Karkiv which is the 2nd city of the Ukraine behind the capital Kiev.
(The game iz live on ESPN)

This will be The Toon's 71st home game in European competitions (includin'  six in the Anglo-Italian Cup)

It's been reported that 'The Metal Gurus' are to give FREE air travel to their fans and that an estimated 500 have taken up this very generous offer!<(ARE yoo reedin' this 'Fat Controller'!?)

We are not sure wot kind of team we will send oot yet, but the fact that we divvint have a game next weekend <(because we are oot of the FA Cup!) then a stronger than normal 'NUFC European X1' side iz predicted by us!
The next game after this iz actually the retorn leg in the Ukraine a week later!

However!---after that game we do have a vital leegue fixture against Sooothampton @ St James' Park in a '1:30 bells' start and a weakened team iz predicted for the away leg!

"WE'RE NOT OUT OF THE WOODS YET!"

Posted '9:40am bells' Monday 11th February 2013

Results ower the weekend, coupled with wor defeat at Sporz on Saturday, meen that we drop doon a place and are now once again just fower points above 'the abyss'!

We have ne leegue games now until we play Soothampton a week on Sunday @ St James'. Instead there's the little matter of two games against Metalist Karkiv in the Europa Leegue to play this Thorsday @ St James' and then in the Ukraine a week later.
Metalist anly drew 1-1 against Northern leegue side Whitley Bay! yesterday in a practice friendly @ Hillheads in front of a 722 crowd, but divvint take that az an omen for Thorsday, az a'm sure they'll put on a better show against us!

Gettin' back to the Premya Leegue, HALF the teams in it are fightin' to avoid 'the abyss' 

The latest Premya Leegue table (bottom)
Aall teams have played 26 games
(Teams are in 'Geordie Times cryptic code' to avoid copyright!) (see top tool bar for clues---and click onto 'CLUB NICKNAMES A to Z' 

11 The Jellied Eels Mob***30 points
12 The Wacko Jacko Jivers***29
13 SMBs***29
14 The Canary Custards***29
15 Sooothampton***27
16 THE TOON***27
17 The Hazbeenz and Villians***24
'THE ABYSS'!
18 The Biscuitmen***23
19 The Blue Wigs***21
20 'appy 'arrys Rag and Bone Men Rangers***17

SPORZ 2 THE TOON 1

Posted '10:00pm bells' Saturday 9th February 2013

THE TOON (IN MAROON!) ATTACK THE SPORZ
GOAL NEAR THE END OF THE 2nd HALF
(View from row 6 of the corner upper tier)

We've just this minute retorned from norf Landan after wor match @ White Hart Lane and I have ti tell yoo that we were unlucky to lose this game due to one Sporz players in particular who gans by the name of Bale!

The home side started off the brighter az they attacked 'The Park Lane End' and shud have took the lead az orly az the forst minute when a centre across the box thankfully failed to find a Sporz boot and we got away with it!
We wernt so lucky just fower mins later, however, when Bale struck a free kick which had been conceded by Coloccini on the edge of the box and hiz shot beat Tim Krul to give the home side the lead!

But we didn't wilt like we did last season (we lost 5-0!) and fought back this time and were rewarded some 20 minutes later with a goal from 'Frenchy' Yoan Gouffran who fired in a shot which seemed to take a deflection of a Sporz player and in the confusion their keeper waz wrang footed and the baall spun past him into the net to send the 1,750 Toon fans wild with delight at the other end of the pitch! 

We held wor own in the 2nd period but went behind again to anotha Gareth Bale goal.
He took advantage of mistakes by Coloccini and Steve Taylor to race clear and with anly Tim Krul to beat the 'on fire' Welshman placed hiz shot carefully to restore their advantage!

We tried in vain to come back and despite EIGHT minutes of stoppage time, due mainly to a bad injury on Gouffran (who had to be stretchered off!) we couldn't break doon their defence again and the game waz lost!

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Steven Taylor, Coloccini, Santon, Cabaye, Perch (Tiote 81), Gutierrez (Shola Ameobi 85), Sissoko, Gouffran (Marveaux 57), Cisse 

Attendance: 36,244 <(Sporz highest of the season!) (1,750 Toon fans)

SPORZ v THE TOON *****TOMORROW!

Posted '9:20pm bells' Friday 8th February 2013

"ONE OF THE 'GOLD DUST' TICKETS!"

We face Sporz @ White Hart Lane tomorrow @ anotha ridiculous 'SKY telly' kick off time of '12:45 bells' just to make sure that we've got to get oot of wor 'pits' @ an ungodly hour to get there! (In my case '2:30am bells' for a '4:00am bells' departure!)

Because we didn't naa exactleee when we'd be playin' them, aa waz reluctant to take the chance and book a train for orly Saturday in case they changed the game to a Sunday---so aa waited til the game waz conformed!
By this time the fares were 'eye waaterin' prices and so a'm 'slummin it' on the 'cheap bus'! (£40!)

Ironically, the trains back from King's Cross are NOT *DRY this time and alcopops, meths! etc. can be consumed on the retorn jorney!
This will be the forst time this season that the trains are not dry from London and the forst time that 'little old me' will NOT be able to enjoy a 'tipple or ten' afta several DRY runs!<(just my f*****' luck!)
(*Dry=no alcohol allowed!)

The game iz a selloot to Toon fans with a paltry 1,750 tickets taken for the away section. Wetha this iz NUFCs decision or that of Sporz iz not known, but iz a disgracefully inadequate amoont of tickets, especially az we have a large numbers of exiled Geordies who live in 'the smoke'!

Just like us, Sporz are on a 'high' and to be porfectlee honest with yoo, I will be very happy with a point from this game!<(we shall see!)

Az a'v got to get up orly in the mornin' a'm now retirin' to mee 'pit' for a few hours shuteye!
"Time for bed said Zebedee!" "ZZZZzzzz!!!!"

Full match report to follow much later---probableee on Sunday sometime!



*For an archive groond report from mee forst ever visit to White Hart lane nearly 40 years ago---scroll doon this page! 

"IT'S A LOCKOOOT!***AGAIN!?"

Updated '3:33pm bells' Friday 8th February 2013

"NO ENTRY TO TOON FANS!"

For the second home game in a row The Toon U21 resorve side played a game behind closed doors @ Darsley Park, Benton this afternoon against 'The P*ss Potts of Stoke'
'The Geordie Times' haz said this before!---(and we'll say it again!)>Just wot benefit iz there in playin' in a field in front of ne spectators apart from a couple of dozen club officials, family and press, when theeze kids cud be hoyed in at 'the deep end' in front of 50,000 plus, shud they be needed in the future?

There's a gap of twelve days between the Chelski and Metalist home games, so why couldn't they have arranged it to be played @ St James' to give the players at least some much needed 'stadium expierience' and let the fans watch the kids?

Az it iz, we had to rely (once again!) on wor faithful carrier pigeon 'Porcy' to fly ower the action to bring yoo this excluusive match report, which haz just 'winged' it's way to us!

The Toon U21 resorves 3
'The P*ss Potts of Stoke U21 resorves 0

"Coo!-Coo!" "The Toon took the lead through new boy Massadio Haidra in the 14th minute with a low shot which beat their keeper!"
"The lead waz doubled qwaata of an hour later when Adam Campbell struck a shot which reboonded off one of their defenders and it went straight into the net!"

"With just ten mins gone in the 2nd half we were three up from an 18 yard effort by Jon Quinn and that's the way it stayed til the final whistle!"
"Cooooo!" 
 

'LLAMBS TO THE SLAUGHTER' SPEAKS! "ANOTHER 20 YEARS OF 'I BEG YOUR PARDEW'!!!"

Posted '5:10pm bells' Thorsday 7th February 2013

EIGHT PAGES! of toneets 'Ronny-Gill' are devoted to an interview with wor 'beloved' MD? known affectionateleee to Toon fans az 'Llambs to the Slaughter'!
We're NOT gannin to re-type aall of it<(it wud tek tooo lang anyway!) but have picked the main bits oot for the benefit of thoze of yoo 'exiles' who live ootside the area or are from owerseas and cannit access the local papers!

Llambs to the Slaughter: "If we are relegated we'll have put ourselves back three or four years!"
"That's not what the fans want!---DO they want to go to Barnsley again?" <(Not f*****' likely!)

ON THE FANS
"The intimidating fortress of St James' Park will be vital in the fight to ensure survival!---That's what happened against Chelsea when poor Petr Cech(their goalie) said afterwards!": "I have never heard noise like it in my life when Newcastle scored, this place is unbelievable!"

ON WOR MANAGER
 "Do we want to find  a situation when we have a manager for 15 or 20 years?- absolutely!"<(Wot!---anotha TWENTY YEARS of ''I Beg Your Pardew'!?)

ON THE FANS AGAIN!
"Not many clubs can boast a whopping 45,000 members during the global economic crisis and we want to fill the stadium for the final six league games with discounted ticket prices!"<(lettin' new fans buy discoonted tickets for az little az £110 for the last six games (£18.33 per game) iz hardly fair on current season ticket holders who fork oot £500 plus a season, Llambzy! (at least £26.31 per game!)

THE BAY WATCHERS v THE METAL GURUS!

Posted '3:00pm bells' Wednesday 6th February 2013

Northern Leegue side Whitley Bay have amazingleee arranged a prestigious friendly against METALIST KARKIV!---for next Sunday @ '7 bells' @ their tiny Hillheads groond!
Admission iz 'ten quid' for big kids and 'a fiver' for sprogs and zimmerframeites! 

Metalist are of course WOR opponents in the Europa Leegue a week tomorrow @ St James' Park!
Az it's anly 7 miles from The Toon there iz no doubt that wor manager will be alang to spy on them alang with hiz backroom staff! (alang with quite a few Toon fans az well!)