THE TOON v THE BISCUITMEN ***THIS AFTERNOOON!

Updated '10:00am bells' Saturday 19th January 2013


LATEST VIEW FROM THE RIVER TYNE WEBCAM!

"THE MATCH IZ ON!"
In five hours time we are due to play yet anotha 'must f*****' win' game against 'The Biscuitmen of Readin' @ St James' Park @ '3 bells'!

"COMIN' SOON TO ST JAMES'!"

The match iz set to get the 'go ahead' and a pitch inspection iz gannin on az I write this!
Hailstones are faallin' @ the minute az aa look oot mee window across the Tyne, but aall shud be well and we will bring yoo the news of the pitch inspection az soon az wee get it!------Just hord!---IT'S ON!

Wor visitors (just like us!) are 'winless' on the road this season and have lost NINE of their eleven away games so far! (lets make sure it's TEN on Saturday!)

With ne new signin's apart from full back Debuchy, the failure to persuade Remy to sign for us for a mere £40,000 a week! and the departure of Demba Ba <(thanx to 'appy 'arry!---see below!) we are a club in crisis---ne doubt aboot that!

Steve Taylor iz expected to make a welcome come back afta missin' the last nine games and Shola iz available after servin' a one mach suspension.

Colocicini's imminent departure hazzent happened yet of course, but we were telt last week by wor 'secret undercover club sauce' that hiz appearence in the game at Norwich would be hiz last!?

In mid-week Sooothampton got an unexpected point at Chelski and move a little bit fortha away from us up the table!---and then they sack their manager! (this disruption cud be good news for us and will hopefully unsettle their players and fans!)

Premya Leegue table (bottom!)

11 The Jellied Eels Mob***21 played 26 points
12 The Canary Custards***22 played 26 points
13 The Wacko Jacko Jivers*22 played 25 points
14 The SMBs-----------------22 played 25 points
15 Sooothampton********22 played 22 points
16 THE TOON**********22 played 21 points
17 The Blue Wigs********22 played 19 points
The ABYSS!
18 The Hazbeens &Villians*22 played 19 points
19 The Biscuitmen********22 played 16 points
20 Rednoseknapp Rangers*22 played 14 points 

Match report to follow much later az per usual!

GEORDIE TIMES SNOW WATCH!

Updated '8:00pm bells' Friday 18th January 2013


SOMEWHERE DOON THE 'BIGG MARKET'!
(VIEW FROM 'THE GEORDIE TIMES' WEBCAM!)

The snow and freeezzzin' conditions which have engulfed the rest of England and Wales have finally arrived on Tyneside a few hours ago!
We will keep yoo posted az to wot the wetha conditions are like az time progresses for thoze of yoo who are travellin' to the game tomorrow from fortha afield!---and we can tell yoo that 'the flakes of the white stuff' are comin' doon agen in large numbers @ '8 bells' toneet!
The main roads are clear but the side roads are covered!---Toon Airport is still open az far az we naa at 'the mo' and train sorvices are not affected (so far!)
This wetha report waz brawt to yoo by 'The Geordie Times' Internashnil Wetha Stayshun!

"I BEG YOUR PARDEW!?---ARE WE HOYIN' THE TOWEL IN AALREADY???""

Updated '3:15pm bells' Friday 18th January 2013


'I BEG YOUR PARDEW'S' WASHIN' LINE-PERHAPS???

Wor beleagered manager's latest ramblin's make frightnin' readin' for aall Toon fans.
He tells us that: "QPR have a STRONGER squad than us for the relegation run-in!"

He aalso gans on to say: "We shouldn't be lost to the fact that we could be RELEGATED!"

Aall this taalk aboot 'hoyin' the towel in', in JANUARY and tryin' to prepare the fans for the worst case scenario, iz NOT wot we want to hear!!!

We aalso hear that we have 'downgraded' wor sorch for a quality striker to replace Demba Ba ---in the shape of David Ngog (above) from sixteenth placed CHAMPIONSHIP side Bolton Wanderers for £2 million!<("WOW!")
(Ngog haz scored a grand total of FOWER goals in 17 appearences for Bolton this season!)

A MESSAGE TO WOR MANAGER (AND OWNER!) FROM 'THE GEORDIE TIMES'!

"I beg your Pardew"--"Alan"--"but a 'second rate 'Championship' striker' iz NOT wot we need at the moment to get us oot of this mess!---and az you've aalready said, that's where we will surely end up IF we do gan for players of hiz 'calibre'!"

"EIGHTY GRAND!**YOR 'AVIN A LAFFF!" *******IT'S OFFICIAL!

Updated '10:30pm bells' Tuesday 15th January 2013

"

STOP PRESS!***STOP PRESS!***Just this minute hord on 'Talk Sport' that Remy haz signed for 'Steptoe Rangers' 

Last week 'appy 'arry' Rednoseknapp said: and I quote:
"You shouldn't be paying massive wages when you've got a stadium that holds 18,000 people!"

So 'arry's 'rag and bone men' from Shepherds Bush (who just happen to play in an 18,000 seater 'Lego' stadium!) have hijacked the deal to bring Loic Remy to 'The Toon' and are to pay him!----wait for it!--
80 thoosand quid a week!---double wot we were gannih give him!---it's total F*****' madness if yoo ask us! (We didn't realise that £80,000 waz a 'pittance'!?)


Question: Do WE @ 'The Geordie Times' blame Remy (and hiz agent!) for dein' a runner and signin' for them?
Answer: "Would YEE knock eighty F*****' grand a week back????"

"Wot did yoo say again last week, 'Arry?">>>  


PS: Wot REELY riles uz iz that Rednoseknapp (the man who got away with havin' hiz dogs name on hiz bank accoont!) telt anybody who cared to listen, that Demba Ba had a release clause in hiz contract, which ultimately led to hiz departure to Chelski!--- and then when WE try to sign a replacement, HE 'hijacks it' at the last F*****' minute!

We on Tyneside can anly hope that hiz bulbous bugle keeps growin' 'apace', alang with hiz 'porkies'! 


"AN ARTISTS IMPRESSION OF WOT
'YEE NAA WHO'! CUD LOOK LIKE"
(WE WISH!)
(COMPARE THE PICS!)

JANUARY TRANSFOR WINDOW---HALFWAY THERE!

Posted '8:40pm bells' Tuesday 15th January 2013

'GEORDIE TIMES'
COMMENT!

^ A MESSAGE FROM ^
'THE MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPER'!

At midneet toneet we will have reached the halfway point in the January transfor window and we still anly have ONE signin' in! (Debuchy) with ONE departure (Ba), plus the 'Remy farce', which iz still unresolved az we speak, so we still have a chance of signin' him, although that seems remote now!

We really DO need more signin's especially 'up front', or else we will face the consequences and stay in 'the dog fight' til the death!

We said it at the start of the month and we'll say it agen---'The Fat Controller' needs to lorn hiz lesson and get hiz f*****' finger oot (or shud that be FAT WALLET!) to save wor season!---NOW!

TOON1892 WEBSITE

Posted '2:00pm bells' Tuesday 15th January 2013

The otha week when aa waz lookin' for some stats for one of mee groond reports aa 'stumbled'<(NOT through drink!) upon an excellent NUFC website av neva hord of before caalled www.toon1892.co.uk which gives immense details aboot matches played/players/groonds played on, etc. 

For example, it gans back to the 1890's when NUFC were in the Northern League and knaan az Newcastle East End and played the likes of Middlesbrough Ironopolis<(remember them?) who we lost to by 3 goals to 2 @ The Paradise Ground, Middlesbrough in front of a 5,000 crowd! and there's even a match report az well!  (played on 19/11/1892!)

This site iz well worth a visit for aall yee stats based freaks oot there! and iz run by a Toon fan caalled Ken <(who I may, or may not, have met before?) and I have absolutleee ne idea if he waz at the above game???

NUFC FIXTURES 2012-2013***LATEST UPDATES

Updated '9:25am bells' Monday 14th January 2013

For aall the latest NUFC fixtures and results so far 'click' onto toolbar above

(NUFC 2012-2013 Premier League, European & Cup fixtures)

THE PERFECT REMY-DY!

Posted '8:00pm bells' Sunday 13th January 2013

"THE FRENCH CONNECTION!"

News reaches 'The Geordie Times' many hours after the event (by homin' pigeon!), that we are (allegedly!) signin' French international striker Loic Remy from Marseille for a reported fee of £8 million and that he iz due on Tyneside in the not too distant future for a medical and contract taalks!

If it's true?, then he will join fellow Frencemen Hatem Ben Arfa, Yohan Cabaye and resent signin' Mathieu Debuchy in 'Toon'

DELIA'Z CANARY CUSTARDS 0 THE TOON 0

Updated 9:30pm bells' Sunday 13th January 2013

"YES!---WE HAVE NO BANANAS!"
"WE HAVE NO BANANAS TODAY!"



"COMIN' SOON TO 'THE TOON'???"

For the thord weekend in a row we let the train take the strain az we heeded soothbound on the East Coast Mainline, this time to Peterborough and then onward to Norfolk.
Forst port o caall when we arrived @ 'dinnertime bells' waz 'The Murderers Arms' where we (not suprizinglee!) 'murdered' a few pints before heedin' for the away end which waz a qwaata of an hours waalk away. 

It haz to be said straight away that this waz yet another dire performance from the black n whites but at least we didn' concede a goal and a point iz better that nowt!

The home side wornt any better and a nil-nil draw was a fair result.

Game highlights?


VIEW FROM ROW 'II' (1st HALF)

Forst half: A Obertan shot iz saved by the Custards keeper Bunn at the far end from us---wor anly shot on target in the forst half apart from a 'powder puff' effort from Demba Cisse who played up front on hiz own!


Second half: Yohan Cabaye makes a welcome retorn in the 56th minute, replacin' Obertan who went off in a huff doon the players tunnel!

2nd HALF

66th minute: The Custards hit the post through Martin, but thankfully it went oot for a goal kick!

Colloccini (playin' hiz LAST GAME) and Marveaux have 'off target shots' and that's az good az it got for us!

New boy Debuchy haz a quiet game and gets himsel booked near the end!

84th minute: The stadium tannoy annooncer gets it aall wrang and puts a rare smile on wor faces, when he tells us that Anita haz been replaced by!---BigiBANANA! (Bigiramana!) 

The home side nearly pinch it in injury time when Pilkington missed an easy heeder!

Results elsewhere meen that we are STILL just two points above the 'abyss' az wor winless away run continues! (Now SEVENTEEN and coontin' in the leegue, the cups and Europe!)

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Williamson, Coloccini, Santon, Perch, Anita (Bigibanana! 84), Obertan (Cabaye 57), Marveaux, Gutierrez, Cisse

Attendance: 26,752 (aroond aboot 2,000 Toon faithful!)


   

DELIA'Z CANARY CUSTARD CRUMBLES v THE TOON ****TOOODAY @ '3 BELLS'!

Updated '5:00am bells' Saturday 12th January 2013

In less than two hours time this mornin', we face wor thord lang train jorney in three weeks when we travel to 'Bornard Matthews Country' to take on 'Delia'z Boys' @ Carrow Road.

Both teams are strugglin' at the mo, and we can anly hope that we can break wor duck away from home this season on wot will be wor SEVENTEENTH attempt! in leegue, cup(s) and Europe!

We've been informed by wor 'secret NUFC undercover agent' that 'Captain Coloccini' will be in the line up, BUT! that this will be hiz last ever game for us and he will 'abandon ship' and gan back to hiz native Argentina after the match, NEVER to be seen in a black 'n' white Toon top again! (see article below!)

And az for the rest of wor startin' line up!?????---we'll probably NOT find oot til we get there, but new signin' Mathieu Debuchy shud be playin'! and (hopefully!) Demba Cisse will be back after missin' the 'Brighton & Hove Horror Show'!

We're on the 'five to seven bells' train to Peterborough and then onward to deepest Norfolk, arrivin' for just after openin' time!

Match/pub craal report az per usual to follow sometime on Sunday!