"ISLINGTON PUB CRAWL---SHAMED!---SACRILEDGE! ----AND SANCTUARY!"

Updated '6:55pm bells' New Years Eve 2012

"NOT! OPEN AALL HOURS---THE BIG RED!"
"NAMED AND SHAMED!"

After gettin' off the train @ King's Cross before wor game against 'The Arse' on Saturday mornin', we heeded for Islington (where 'The Arse' play) and in particular wor fave 'haunt' which iz the 'Big Red' on Holloway Road, which iz a fifteen minute waalk from the groond.

We arrived @ 'high noon bells' anly to find the shutters doon and 'ne sign of life' through the pub windows!?---it was just like wor previous game @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' on Boxin' Day when wor fave boozer waz shut! (scroll doon the page!) ie: anotha disgraceful state of affairs, az we were in orjent need of some liquid refreshment!
'The Big Red' ---named and SHAMED!

We remembered that there waz a boozer ower the road and so we heeded in that direction---but!---couldn't find it?  After seachin' high and low scratchin' wor heeds, aa looked up to the tops of the buildings to see 'KINGS HEAD' engraved into the roof!---Az mee mincers panned doon to groond level----horror upon horror!---The pub sign below had been taken doon and replaced by!!!--- a 'COSTA'! sign! (aye!---that's reet---the pub had been torned into a f*****' coffee shop since the last time we were here, last season!
SACRILEGE!

"THE KINGS HEAD!---NOW A COSTA COFFEE BAR!"
"SACRILEDGE!"

We ended up gannin doon Seven Sisters Road where two hundred yards doon, there waz a street market and a BOOZER!
It waz caalled 'The Enkle Arms' and the lights were on and the doors were open----SANCTUARY!

The beer waz dead cheap (for London!) (£2:40 a pint!) so we decided to stop there for 'the duration' (ie: until it waz time to gan to the match!)
The anly problem waz!---the SMBs game against Spors waz live on the telly and az we NEVA watch them on the 'box', we torned wor backs to the screen and stared at the waalls instead!

"OPEN AALL HOURS---THE ENKEL ARMS!"
"SANCTUARY!"

There were a load of Xmas cards strung up and we noticed that there were FOWER 'duplicates' and a TREBLE!, which waz pointed oot by 'The Caped Crusader'! <("well spotted!")---(they had aall obviously been bought from the same shop!)< (if this isn't sad---then wot iz!?)

Anyway!---we moved to anotha part of the bar away from the telly, where we stayed until it waz time to gan to the game!---we'd enjoyed worsels up til this point, but now it waz time to 'suffer' and gan to the game!
(see 'horror show' match report below!)

PS: "Yi didn't believe the story aboot the Xmas cards!---did yiz???"

"Er!---SORRY ABOOT THE BLURRED PHOTO, BUT WE DID
HAVE A CANNY BIT TO DRINK ON THE TRAIN DOON!"
"HIC!"

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

THE ARSE 7 THE TOON 3****"IT WAZ ON THE CARDS!" ("AND I DON'T MEEEN 'XMAS CARDS'!")

Updated '7:00pm bells' Sunday 30th December 2012      

"ANYTHING! CAN HAPPEN
IN THE NEXT HALF HOUR!!!"

The 'cricket score' that we envisaged @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' on Boxin' Day actually happened just three days later here in 'the smoke'!

It's painful to type this, but wor defence haz so many holes in it, that more scores like this are sureleee inevitable, unless we buy in the 'January sales'!

The last half hour of the game in particular waz a 'horror show' and we just collapsed like a 'pack of cards', concedin' an incredible FIVE! goals in this space of time! (it waz 'TWO-TWO' up til this point and we were az good az wor hosts up til then!)

The goal sequences were az follows:
(deeep breath!)

20th minute: Theo Walcott gans roond Tim Krul to put the home side aheed (1-0 to 'The Arse')

43rd minute: A Demba Ba free kick just ootside the box ricko-shades<(Geordie Times spelllin'!) off an 'Arse' defender to put us level! (1-1 !)

50th minute: A Danny Simpson 'throw in' finds a home player? who slots the baall to Chambelain, who fires past Tim Krul! (2-1 to 'The Arse')

59th minute: We level things with a fantastic goal  when 'The Angel Gabriel'< (it's STILL Xmas!) crossed the baall and 'Marveaux the Magician' slams the baall into 'The Arses' net!
(2-2 !)

64th minute: 'The Arse' again regain the lead when Podolski<(he's Polish--wud yoo believe!?) nodded in from close range!) (3-2 to 'The Arse')

69th minute: Demba Ba levels things once again with a great volley from a cross by 'Marveaux the Magician'! (3-3 !)

And then it aall went horribly wrang!

73rd minute: Walcott wellies the baall and it gans into the top corner of the goal! (4-3 to 'The Arse')

84th minute: Olivier Giroud heeds the baall past Tim Krul to give them a two goal advantage! (5-3 to 'The Arse')

87th minute: Giroud hits his 2nd goal in 3 minutes to 'finish us off' (6-3 to 'The Arse)

92nd minute: Walcott completes wor misery with hiz 'hat-trick! (7-3 to 'The Arse'---final score!) ("help!")

'The Arse' fans then 'take the p*ss', but they have short memories az it isn't so lang ago that THEY lost 8-2 @ 'The Theatre of Muppets'!---an even WORSE scoreline!--- we believe!

Toon team: Krul, Simpson (Ferguson 82), Perch, Coloccini, Santon, Bigiramana (Shola Ameobi 83), Tiote, Cisse, Marveaux (Tavernier 82), Obertan, Ba  

Attendance: 60,087 <(surely not az there were loads of empty seats? (2,000 'shell shocked' Toon fans!)


To 'hoy a spanner in the works' the '9 bells' train yem from King's Cross waz 'dry' by decree of the 'British Transport Dibbles' and it took an incredible FIVE hours to get back to Tyneside! (it normally teks 'THREE'!) (that's FIVE HOURS eatin' crisps and drinkin' 'Diet Coke'!)<(I'm on a slimmin' regime!)

PS: A'v done this 'match report' after a'v had a few 'Sunday lunchtime liquids', (to get mee heed straight!) but yiv aall probably seen the game anyway on the telly and yi divvint reeely need me to tell yoo the 'blindingleee obvious'! 

THE ARSE v "THAT WEE CLUB IN THE NORTH EAST!"***TODAY @ '5:30pm BELLS!

Posted '6:00am bells' Saturday 29th December 2012

This mornin' we are off to 'The Arse' on the 7:20 from 'The Central' to King's Cross to see us play against 'Arsene's' 'Arseh*les' @ 'The Emirites'!

Seriously!---'Arsene' iz a decent kind of guy and actually LIKES playin' @ St James' Park, which in the past he's said iz a great place to play!

The kick off iz @ '5:30 bells' and we've hord that wor train yem @ '9 bells' iz completeleee DRY!
(Special thanx to 'British Transport Police' for this NON festive jesture towards us!) < "and a happy new year to yoo az well!" ("NOT!")
Neva mind!---it's just one of the many hazards of bein' a Toon fan!

Actually, 'The Emirates' (in my opinion!) iz the BEST groond in 'the premya' and with it bein' the closest groond to King's Cross, it makes it the most desirable in 'the smoke' to visit! 

At least most of the home fans are actually 'true Londoners', unlike Man U's who are of the plastic 'Cockney' variety, who we saw on Boxin' Day in Salford!
We'll be in 'The Big Red' on Holloway Road if anybody fancies joinin' us for a few 'tonsil ticklers' this afternoon before the match! 

We look forward to the visit and who naaz?---"The wee club from the north east!", might actually 'sneak' a result!?

Match report to follow sometime tomorrow!

"OLD FERGIE'S LOST HIZ LIGGIES!"

Posted '3:00pm bells' Friday 28th December 2012

'Old Fogey Fergy' haz completleee 'lost hiz marbles' this time<(alang the 'Scotswood Road' perhaps?) by caallin' us: "A wee club in the north east!"

This 'wee club' were the forst one in the world to average gates of ower *30,000 in 1906-1907 (*33,235) and ower *50,000 in 1947-1948 az a SECOND DIVISION CLUB (*56,283) which iz STILL a world record to this day for a club ootside the 'top flight'!
(Man U's record average gate ootside the top flight iz *48,387 in 1974-1975)

NUFC are the ANLY club in the world to have averaged ower *50,000 in both the top flight and second grade futbaall!

Wor average gates when we were relegated in 2008-2009 waz 48,750!  An 'unwanted' world record we admit, which incidentlee iz HIGHER than the SMBs record average gate of *47,785 in 1947-1948 
(when Man U were famously relegated in 1973-1974 their average was *42,712!)

'Senile Dementure Septuagenarian' are the words I'm lookin' for I think!

*Attendances source:
'Through the Turnstiles...Again'

'Liggies' iz Geordie slang for 'Marbles' 

"FERGIE WAZ RIGHT!---HE CAN DE WOT HE LIKES!"

Posted '1:30pm bells' Friday 28th December 2012


"THE BACK PAGE OF 'THE DAILY MAIL' SEZ IT AALL!"

Unbelievibleee!---'Old Fogey Fergie' iz gettin' off with the ootragious half time rant against the officials at wor game at 'The Theatre of Muppets' on Boxin' Day???

'Spineless' referee Mike Dean chose NOT? to report his disgraceful behaviour to the FA and so the 'Old Fogey' gets away with it once again!???

Any otha manager wud have been 'sent off', but Dean chose to 'bottle it' and inexplableee 'torn a blind eye'

'Old Fogey' even had the norve to caall wor manager a hypoctrite when he had the temerity to dare say wot many people think: 'Quote': "Mike Dean might feel slightly disappointed that he didn't do something about it!"

Of course he does have a 'Sir' before hiz name, a statue of himsel ootside the groond and a massive stand named after him---SO!--- he can de wot the F*** he likes---carnt he????


"AN 18 YEAR OLD REF HAZ HIS SAY!"

"HANG YOUR HEED IN SHAME MIKE DEAN!"

HALF TERM REPORT***"NOT GOOD ENOUGH!"

Updated '10:40am bells' Friday 28th December 2012

We have now reached the halfway point of the season and are languishin' in 15th place in the table with just 20 points on the board from 19 games played and are just 5 points above 'the abyss'!



"The wheel's come off!"

Add in the fact that we havvent won ONE solitary away game oot of 14 played in Leegue, Cup and Europe, meens we are fightin' for wor lives once again and it 'wheely' >>>>>>>>>>>>>
isn't good enough! (sic!)

We can anly hope that wor 'beloved'? owner puts hiz hand in hiz pocket in the January transfor window, 'before the wheels come off', but the likelihood iz we will SELL 'yee naa who' before we BUY!

How can it be that a club who iz the THORD best supported in Britain iz in this predicament again???
We had 50,000 (plus) against QPR in the pourin' rain just three days before Xmas, yet we cannit seem to compete with clubs with half wor support!

'The Arse' iz next on wor away list tomorrow, but if we play like we did @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' on Boxin' Day then we have a chance!
BUT!---this IZ! NUFC divvint forget and anythin' cud happen!

"ANYTHING! can happen in the next 90 minutes!"

THE COCKNEY REDS of SALFORD 4 THE TOON 3

Updated '9:45am bells' Thorsday 27th December 2012

THE TOON ATTACK THE SCOREBOARD END
IN THE 1st HALF (MARVEAUX'S SHOT HITS BAR!)

Three times we led in this game and three times the home side came back to level things, with their winnin' goal comin' bang on the 90 minute mark, to break wor hearts!

Before the match we'd heeded for 'The Broadway' boozer in Salford Quays, anly to find the shutters doon @ '11:10 am bells'---a DISGRACEFUL state of affairs, given that we were in need some liquid lubrication to quensh wor thorsts, forthwith!


'THE BROADWAY'---"NAMED AND SHAMED!"
"NOT!" OPEN AALL HOURS!"

We had ne choice therefore, but to 'move on' to 'The Lowry Centre', which iz a bit closer to the groond, where we foond 'sustinence' at ower FOWER QUID a pint in a bar caalled 'Lime' which iz nearly double the price of 'The Broadway'!
A canny few Manc fans with 'dodgy' non Mancunian accents filled the bar and we estimated that WE probably lived closer to 'The Theatre of Muppets' than at least three qwaataz of them!

It waz then off to the match some 20 minutes distant in the pourin' rain and we got a reet soakin' waalkin' there!

The goal sequences/incidents were az follows:

4th minute: Wearin' wor 'high viz jacket' coloured strips we took the lead when a Demba Ba shot waz fumbled by their keeper De Gea and James Perch waz on hand to sidefoot the baall into the net in front of the 2,000 (plus) Toon fans behind that goal! (1-0 to us!)

25th minute: Evans taps in equaliser after Tim Krul blocked a Hernandez shot (1-1 !)

28th minute: Evans deflects a Danny Simpson shot into hiz own net az the linesman flags for offside on Papiss Cisse.
After a discussion with hiz linesman the ref Mike Dean gives the goal az Evans had played Cisse onside by touchin' the baall. 'Old Fogey Fergie' waz NOT amused and ranted and raved on the touchline beratin' the officials! (nowt new there!---then!) (2-1 to us!)

'Marveaux the Magician' then struck a fab free kick which hit the bar and rebounded oot just before the interval, which would have put us 3-1 up had we had some luck! (see top photo!)


"The ref waz reet! ---'Old Fogey Fergie' waz wrang!"
Az the teams came back from their half time break 'Furious Fergie' had ANOTHA go at the ref, linesman and 4th official az he ranted and raged on the touchline, pointin' hiz fingers and shakin' hiz fists in every direction!--an absolute disgrace if yoo ask us, to try and intimidate them! (it waz later shown on 'Match of the Day' that indeed the REF WAZ REET to award wor 2nd goal!)

58th minute: A fine Evra shot beats Tim Krul and the baall ends up in the back of hiz net!
(2-2 !)

68th minute: We again retake the lead, when, (appropriately for this time of year!) 'The Angel Gabriel' (Obertan) sends in a fine cross at 'The Stretford End' and Cisse smashes home an unstoppable shot for the goal of the game! (3-2 to us!)

71st minute: The lead doesn't last long though az Van Persie scores from close range! (3-3 !)

Sub Sammy Ameobi hits a great shot which rebounds off the post and straight into the arms of De Gea (lucky b*****d!)

90th minute: It's heartbreak time folks az Hernandez grabs an undeserved winner for 'The Cockney Reds' with a volley that 'cruely' beats Tim Krul! (4-3 to them---final score!)

Just to hoy a 'spanner into the works', Anita suffers wot looks like a nasty knee injury deep into stoppage time!

Not the 'cricket score' that some had envisaged but still a painful undeserved defeat nonetheless!

Toon team: Krul, Simpson, Williamson, Coloccini, Santon, Anita, Perch, Bigiramana (Obertan 64), Cisse (Sammy Ameobi 78), Ba (Shola Ameobi 70), Marveaux

Attendance: 75,596 (2,000 (plus) Toon fans) 

THE COCKNEY REDS of SALFORD v THE TOON ***'3 BELLS' TODAY!

Posted '7:40am bells' Boxin' Day 2012

We face the dauntin' task later today of tryin' to win a Leegue game @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' for the forst time in FORTY years and az we havvent won a solitary away game this season in THORTEEN attempts in Leegue, Cup and Europe, wor prospects divvint look ower good!---do they?

We will gladly settle for a point, but feel that this iz wishful thinkin' in the extreme! (although we DID get a point there last season with a 1-1 draw!)

"Somewhere to droon wor sorrows
BEFORE the match?"
(Hopefully that's NOT the case!)

For the second time in three month's we're settin' off across 'the Pennines' to deepest Salford within the next hour (we lost there 2-1 in the League Cup in September!) and wor forst 'port o caall' will (az usual!) probably be 'The Broadway' boozer which iz aboot a 25 minute waalk from the groond! (that's if it hazzent closed it's doors for good and been boarded up!?) (like so many ale hooses in recent years!) 

'The Geordie Times' match report will follow much later---let's hope it isn't a 'suicidal one'!

GEORDIE TIMES FESTIVE HITS

Posted '9:15pm bells' Cris'mis
Day 2012


WHITE XMAS!?---PLEEEZE GOD!---"NO!"

Ower the last couple of days 'The Geordie Times' haz had an unusually high number of pageviews (for US anyway!) and we can anly assume that it's Xmas boredom on your part, due to the festive 'transport/pub/shop shutdoon' and the fact that that bloody 'Snowman' film waz shown YET AGAIN on the telly today, alang with aall the otha cr*p that yi get on 'the 25th'! (ne doubt 'Morcambe and Wise' and 'Bing F*****' Crosby' were on the TV schedule somewhere az well!?)

On Xmas Eve we had wor most 'hits' of the year so far in one day (160) and today we have well ower 100 at the time of typin' this into mee computaa!

A preview of wor trip to 'The Theatre of Muppets' tomorrow will appear in the mornin' before we leave

THE TOON ON THE MOON!

Posted '4:30pm bells' Chris'mis Day 2012

Aa waz drinkin' in 'The Porcy' in the Haymarket on Sunday afternoon when a fellow plonky caalled 'Geordie' asked me if aa waz gannin' to the Ukraine to watch The Toon in February.
"OF COURSE!" came the reply from little ol' me az aa supped mee 'liquid lunch'!

"Would yi gan if they played on the Moon?", waz his next question az he looked me straight in the eye, az he pointed hiz left index finger in my direction!
"YES!"--aa said, "But aa divvint think there'd be any atmosphere at the match!" (yi'v got ti be quick!) (sic!)



"IF THEY PLAY ON THE MOON
WE'LL HIRE A SPACE ROCKET
JUST TO FOLLOW THE TOON!"