Monday, 3 December 2012

THE TOON v THE BLUE WIG MOB*****TOONEET!

Posted '10:30am bells' Monday 3rd December 2012
THE LAST TIME WE MET @ ST JAMES'
THE TOON ATTACK THE BLUE WIGS GOAL!

Tooneet we face a crucial 'must win it' game @ St James' Park against 'The Blue Wig Mob' from that little town in the middle of Lancashire that haz a 'pier'?

We have a lang list of injuries which will deplete wor paper thin squad once again and we can anly hope for a win, in this, wor forst game of December (lets hope it's better than November when we couldn't win one solitary game!)

Az I look oot mee window, snow iz lyin' on the groond and sub zero temperatures are forecast for tooneet, so wrap up waam!

Az the game iz aalso on live telly and the fact that the visitors are unlikely to bring more than a 'motor cycle and sidecar load' of fans up, we predict the lowest leegue crowd of the season of aroond aboot 45,000-46,000
"ACCORDING TO THE SAT NAV, WE TAKE THE
NEXT RIGHT FOR ST JAMES' PARK, DAD!"

 
Match report to follow sometime tomorrow!
(let's hope it's a 'gud'un!?)

Sunday, 2 December 2012

"OH NO!"-----'IT'S NE WHERE NEAR BRIGHTON'---AGAIN!

Posted '11:00pm bells' Sunday 2nd December 2012   (better late than never!)


LAST SEASON @ 'THE AMEX' (WE LOST!)

Unbelievibleee!!! the FA Cup draw haz paired us with 'Ne Where Near Brighton' for the 2nd season in a row!
Last year the NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' were ower the moon to play at the AMEX Stadium az it waz a new groond for us. (see ground number 283 in 'Archive Grounds List' in tool-bar at the top of this page for the match report from that!)
But now of course ,we divvint want to gan back coz the groond iz ower 300 miles away and iz in the middle of ne where!, with NE PUBS! and  F*****' miles from the centre of Brighton!

Saturday, 1 December 2012

"I DON'T LIKE MONDAYS!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 1st December 2012

With yet anotha TWO blank weekends comin' up thanx to the wonders of live telly, we find worsels withoot a forst team fixture until Monday neet when we play 'The Blue Wigs' @ St James' and then the followin' week we play 'The Wacko Jacko Jivers' in London, aalso on a bloody Monday neet!
("I HATE MONDAYS!")

In between this of course we heed for France on Thorsday neet for wor Europa League tie against Bordeaux.

The game against 'The Blue Wigs' iz withoot doubt a 'must win it' game, with games against the two Manc clubs and 'The Arse' comin' up later this month to enjoy! (or NOT! az the case may be!)

*The games @ 'The Emirates' and 'The Theatre of Muppets' are now SOLD OOT!

Tomorrow, however!--- there IZ a chance to see a 'Toon team' in action against 'The Hazbeens and Villians', when the resorves play them @ Blue Flames, Benton @ 11:00 am bells'  (aka Whitley Park) in the resorve leegue ---Aall are welcome az the game IZZINT behind closed doors az waz expected!  

Friday, 30 November 2012

GROOND 294 UPDATE!

Posted '4:15pm bells' Friday 30th November 2012

Below iz the 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' updated match report from Barnet on Tuesday neet, when The Toon's U18s took on The Arse's U18s in the FA Youth Cup.

294 underhill, barnet, london


(Ground number 294)

Date of First Visit: 27th November 2012

UNDERHILL, BARNET, LONDON

ARSENAL U18s  3

NEWCASTLE UNITED U18s  0

FA YOUTH CUP 3rd ROUND

Attendance: 500 estimated (includin’ quite a few Toon fans)

 

“AN UP HILL STRUGGLE @ UNDERHILL!”
'THE TOON' ATTACK 'THE TUBE TRAIN TERRACE END'!
(SPOT THE TUBE TRAIN!)


Three of us set of @ ’11:00 am bells’ in mee ‘canny tranny’ from ‘The Black Bull’ in the shadows of St James’ Park for this FA Youth Cup tie in norf Landan against ‘The Arse’ who play their resorve games @ Underhill, the home of Barnet FC

We arrived at ‘5:00 bells’ in good time for the ‘7 bells’ start and parked up in a side street beside the groond where the floodlights were blazin’ away and made wor way to the ‘Old Red Lion’ boozer, which was situated on the corner of the main road within easy hocklin distance of the groond!  

Of course there were a handful of ‘saddos’ there az well who had travelled doon from Tyneside by various modes of transport and I won’t name and shame them for fear of ridicule!

After a few ‘liquids’ in ‘The Lion’ (“ER!”--shandy for me, coz aa was drivin’!) we heeded for the tornstiles where the princely sum of three quid waz required to gain entry!

The forst thing yi notice when yi enter the groond iz the massive slope on the pitch from goal to goal and it’s ne wonder they want to move az the hotch potch of bus shelter stands make this one of the worst leegue groonds that a’v ever been te! (Barnet have been @ Underhill for 105 years and are due to move to a new groond at the end of this season!)
"SPOT THE SLOPE!"

The groond sits at the bottom of a hill (under-hill!) with tube trains arriving’ and departin’ from ‘New Barnet Tube Station’ every few minutes, which waz just a couple of minutes waalk, up the hill behind the ‘uphill’ goal.

The game kicked off and an eccentric old biddy with an Arsenal hat and flag, who waz sittin’ near the end of the main stand, started singin’ old futbaall songs by horself, at the top of hor voice!

It waz quite amusin’ at forst but after a while it started to get a bit irritatin’ az she ranted on!

The Toon had started off well az we kicked ‘doon the hill’ and forward Alex Gilliead shot into the side nettin’ in the fifth minute, but that’s az good az it got from wor point of view az ‘The Arse’ went on the offensive from this point and had several chances to take the lead az they kicked uphill towards (wait for it!) ‘The Tube Train Terrace End’!

The inevitable happened in the 22nd minute when Jeffrey drilled a shot past Woodman in the Toon goal. Their lead waz doubled just before the break when a fine dribble from Bellerin evaded wor defence and he slotted home.

“IT’S AALL ‘UP HILL’ FROM HERE!”

The second half waz ne better for us az we kicked up the hill and it waz anly on rare occasions that we did venture near ‘The Tube Train Terrace End’ goal az the clock counted doon the minutes!

The Arse kept the pressure up and by the mid point of the half we looked well beaten. It waz obvious at this point that we were gannin to lose the match and ‘Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer’ <(SH*T!---a’v named and shamed somebody!) waz cursin’ the fact that he’d booked on the midneet bus back from Victoria Coach Station instead of the train, az he would have had to leave before the end if ‘extra time’ waz needed  to catch the last train yem!

The final nail in wor ‘coffin’ came at ‘the death’ (excuse the pun!) when Akpom slotted home past Woodman to put ‘The Arse’ three-nil up and win the game!

It waz then a five hour drive back to Tyneside and we arrived back at qwaata to one in the mornin’ with 550 miles on the clock for the roond trip!

Next day it waz another road trip to Stoke to watch the forst team lose 2-1 and by the time we got back from this one, a total of nearleee a THOOSAND MILES had been clocked up in two days!

Who would be a Toon fan???

 

Thursday, 29 November 2012

GEORDIE TIMES FA CUP EXCLUUUSIVE!

Posted '8:30pm bells' Thorsday 29th November 2012
"COME IN NUMBER 28 !"

'The Geordie Times' can excluuusivleee reveeel through wor secret club 'insider' that NUFC are baall number 28 in the FA CUP thord roond draw which takes place this Sunday @ '2:40pm bells' live on ITV!

If we are wrang? then! after the draw iz made, we will eat wor Bordeaux tickets for the game in France next Thorsday! (washed doon with a pint of 'Smith's' in 'The Porcy'!)

THE PULIS P*SS POTTS 2 THE TOON 1

Updated '8:15pm bells' Thorsday 29th November 2012

'THE TOON' ATTACK THE SOOTH STAND GOAL

An absolutleee horrendous November waz roonded off with this undesorved 2-1 defeat in 'The Potteries' last neet.

We held our own for the forst half with a much better display than we have had in recent weeks.

The big breakthrough came not lang after the re-start when a Demba Ba shot waz blocked by their keeper, anly for the baall to rebound to Cisse and his resultin' shot went into the net via the post to send the 2,000 or so Toon diehards behind that goal into wild celebrations!
Aa then remember lookin' at the clock as it coonted the minutes to the end of the match and with '80' on the clock we anly had 10 minutes to survive---and The Toon fans revelled in the chant of: "You're just a tramp in a tracksuit!", aimed at Tony Pulis----but then disaster struck!

FORST!---Jon Walters heeded home at 'The Boothen End' just after this to level things and then we just fell apart with 'The P*ss Potts' pilin' on the pressure for the winnin' goal.
The unthinkable happened five minutes later when Jerome fired home past Tim Krul to make November the month NOT TO remember for anyone of black 'n white persuasion! 
The lang drive back meant that in two day we had travelled  a THOOSAND MILES by road to watch them (the previous day we'd went to Barnet in London to watch the U18s lose 3-0 to The Arse U18s!)  

The result meens that we have went through the entire month withoot a win and more alarmingly we have now lost fower Premya leegue games in a row and are anly two points off thord bottom with a tough December to follow!

Toon team: Krul, Coloccini, Santon, Simpson, Williamson, Perch, Anita (Sammy Ameobi 87), Gutierrez, Tiote, Ba, Cisse (Ranger 87)

Attendance: 26,793 (includin' 2,000 or so beleaguered Toon fans!) 

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

THE ARSE U18s 3 THE TOON U18s 0

Posted '9:20am bells' Wednesday 28th November 2012

Very brief match report:

Ground number 294, Underhill, Barnet, London
THE TOON MAKE ARARE ATTACK ON 'THE ARSES' GOAL
(SPOT THE TUBE TRAIN!)

In akin to the forst team, the juniors did a 'copycat impression' of them with this totally inept performance @ Barnet's Underhill groond in norf Landan last neet. 

We were totally ootplayed and 3-0 waz a fair result az The Arse were a different class to us I'm afraid!
Attendance: 500 or so includin' quite a few 'Toon hoppers' who had made the hazardous 550 mile plus roond trip from Tyneside through floods rain and gale force winds!
(More to follow on this later az I must dash!)

We play 'The Pulis P*ss Potts of Stoke' toneet in the Premya Leegue @ The Britannia Stadium to roond off a vey wet and miserable November! (Roll on December!)
Match report on BOTH games to follow sometime tomorrow!) 

Monday, 26 November 2012

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS! *****NEW GROOND!*****NEW GROOND!"

Updated '8:30am bells' Tuesday 27th November 2012

'Mooth-waaterin' news that wor 'FA Youth Cup thord roond tie' against 'The Arses' youth team tooneet will definateleee be played @ Barnet's Underhill Groond and NOT 'The Emirates', az waz forst feared!, iz great news for the 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers', az 'Underhill' iz a groond we have neva (ever!) played on or been te before!

Wots more!---the north London 'Leegue Two' club will leave their home of 105 years and move on to 'pastures new' @ the end of this season---never! to retorn! and so (unless we draa them in the FA Cup) this will be wor one and anly chance to gan there!
'The Bees' are rumoured to be movin' to a groond caalled 'The Hive' in Harrow for next season ("Er!"--"Wonder why it's caalled 'The Hive'?")

The anly thing that could scupper wor plans iz the fact that the torrential rain and gale force winds which have affected most of the UK iz set to continue for the next couple of days!
Some of the 'hoppers' are gettin' the train doon and some (like us daft f****rs!) are gannin' by road via the 'A1' (if it's not flooded that iz!?).
Lets hope that we aall get there!? (goggles and flippers at the ready!)

The game iz due to be played @ Underhill with a '7 bells' kick off! (Weather permittin'!) Match report to follow on Wednesday!---and if we DE make it---then! (see below!) 
"Get the broon ale 'on ice' oot!"

SOOOTHAMPTON 2 THE TOON 0

Posted '10:10am bells' Monday 26th November 2012

"IT WAS ALL GOOD UNTIL IT KICKED OFF!"

An absoloootleee disastrous November continued @ St Mary's yesterday when we went doon 2-0 to a relegation threatened Sooothampton team who have been at or near to the bottom of the table since the beginnin' of the season.

The match stats speak for themsels:
Sooothampton had loads of chances throughoot the game and if it wasn't for Tim Krul in wor goal who made several vital saves the scoreline would have been much worse. (although he waz at fault for BOTH their goal!)
The home side aalso hit the woodwork three times az wor midfield and defence put in a shambolic display!

The anly action that we can remember in wor favour waz when Davide Santon nodded a bullet heeder towards the corner of their goal, anly to be denied by a fantastic block from their keeper!
Anita aalso shud have scored but fluffed hiz easy chance! (Cisse and Ba were totally ineffective!)

After the match we faced a one mile trek back to the train station in torrential rain and we were soaked to the skin by the time we got there to complete a day of misery! (It was then onward to Victoria Station and then King's Cross and we eventually crossed the King Edward Bridge ower the Tyne @ '12:45am bells' on Sunday mornin'!)

The result meens that we havvent won any of wor six games played in November and with anotha away game against 'The Pulis P*ss Potts of Stoke' loomin' on Wednesday neet, things divvint look good!---do they?

Toon team: Krul, Simpson, Williamson, Steven Taylor (Perch 90), Santon, Gutierrez, Tiote, Anita (Marveaux 65), Ferguson (Sammy Ameobi 46), Cisse, Ba

Attendance: 31,410 (2,000 or so very unhappy Toon fans!) 

Wor manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' had the quote of the day---which just aboot summed it up!
"It was all good until it kicked off!"

ARCHIVE GROUNDS MATCH REPORT LIST