THE TOON 1 THE SOOTH WALES SHEEP SH*GGERS (AKA 'THE SWAN LAKERS') 2

Updated 'high noon bells' Sunday 18th November 2012

"SOOTH WALES SHEEP SH*GGERS
HIJACK A TAXI IN THE SHADOWS OF
THE GALLOWGATE END STAND!" 
('EXCLUSIVE' 'GEORDIE TIMES' PHOTO!)

An absolutleee horrendous day for anybody who follows NUFC happened yesterday and we are in 'deep shock' @ 'The Geordie Times'!

A 2-1 defeat at the hands of 'The Swan Lakers' from sooth Wales waz not wot we expected, especially after wor woeful performance last Sunday against 'The Jellied Eels Mob', when we were telt, that, that! waz a 'one off' and normal sorvice would be resumed az soon az possible!

However! anly ONE win in the last SEVEN leegue games have sent the alarm bells 'a' ringin' in the Toon Army ranks and we can anly see a struggle at the wrang end of the table ensuin'---UNLESS! we buy in the January transfor window!

It waz obvious from the word 'go' that we were in for a torrid afternoon az we couldn't seem to string two passes together once again like last Sunday.
Swanzee took advantage of this with two goals in the 2nd half, both of them through defensive lapses and wor anly consolation waz a Demba Ba effort at the death, but it waz aall tooo late by then.
We divvint like to single oot players for criticism but Mike Willamson in particular had a shocker with several miss placed passes!--although Tim Krul in wor goal didn't have a good day eetha and waz at fault for the forst goal! 

It didn't help that Cisse waz absent az Senegal had invoked the FIFA 'five day rule' to stop him playin' (much to the fury of NUFC who released a strong 650 word statement condemin' the decision!)

After the match, Welshmen dressed az flocks of sheep, goaded the Toon fans, and could be seen waalkin up and doon Gallowgate in a drunken stupor! (haz it reeely come to this!) (see top photo!)

There's nothin' much more to say!---iz there!?

Toon team: Krul, Simpson (Bigiramana 73), Santon, Williamson, Steven Taylor, Anita, Ben Arfa, Tiote, Ba, Sammy Ameobi (Marveaux 79), Ferguson (Shola Ameobi 46)

Attendance: 49,403 (1,000 Swan Lakers includin' a flock of several sheep in level 7 of 'The Leazes' visitors end!)

PS: It haz been reported that the 'Swanzee Supporters Club' had fower busses plus a 'cattle truck' parked on Barrack Road!

 

THE TOON v THE SWAN LAKERS***TOOODAY!

Updated '10:30am bells' Saturday 17th November 2012


"IT DOESN'T GET MUCH WORSE THAN THIS, FOLKS!"


Next up on 'The Geordie Times itinery' iz a very! very! rare! event!---Az we will actually be playin' a home game @ 'THREE BELLS' ON A SATURDAY!!?, when we take on 'Cedric the Swan' and hiz mates in this non televised game---"ER!"--"unless yi watch it on one of the 'dodgy' channels--like!"

This will be wor forst '3 bells' kick off @ St James' in SEVEN months!--since we played 'The Pulis P*ss Potts of Stoke', in fact, on April 21st!

Because of this, we expect that the crowd will be approachin' the 52,000 mark--dependin' on just how many of 'Cedric's mates' torn up!?

Lets hope we de better than last Sundays 'horror show' against 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of eeest Landan!

Match report to follow later!

PS: Wor U18s are takin' on the SMBs U18s @ Little Benton this mornin' in half an hours time @ '11 bells'---Free admission---we will of course bring yoo the score later!

THE TOON RESORVES 1 THE COCKNEY REDS OF SALFORD RESORVES 2

Posted '9:30am bells' Tuesday 13th November 2012

For the second time in two days we were beaten by 'The Cockney Boys'!---On Sunday it waz the 'West Ham' version and last neet it waz the 'Salford' version!

A crowd of aroond 500 had assembled @ 'Blue Flames' (includin' a smatterin' of Cockneys!) in this televised resorve game which waz live on MUFC TV! (see above!)

'The Xisco Kid' nearly put us in front in the forst minute when he waz put through, but he shot straight at their keeper and the chance waz gone.

It waz mostly 'even stevens' after this, with Brad Inman and Xisco, again, gannin close for us, but the game ended up goal-less by the half time interval

The visitors broke the deadlock soon after the restart when Tom Thorpe heeded past Jak Alnwick in the Toon goal.

We levelled things on the hour mark through Conor Newton, who side footed an easy change into the net after their keeper, Sutherland, fumbled a shot from Marcus Maddison.

They were back in front though, just seven minutes later when Tom Lawrence netted from close in to win the game for them! (and nee doubt send their telly viewers from London town into joyous celebrations!)

THE TOON RESORVES v THE COCKNEY REDS of SALFORD RESORVES***TOOONEET!

Posted '2:55pm bells' Monday 12th November 2012

The resorves are in action again toneet @ Blue Flames, Benton  (aka Whitley Park) when they tek on Man Us equivalent in the Resorve U21s Leegue.
Yoo may remember the match report in wor last resorve outin' in norf Landan when we lost 6-0 to Spors!
(scroll doon page for the match report on that!)

The game kick off @ '7 bells' and we will bring yoo a match report az per usual later on!
Admission iz free to season ticket holders
(£3 others/£1 sprogs etc)

THE TOON 0 THE JELLIED EELS MOB 1

Posted '9:15pm bells' Remembrance Sunday 11th November 2012


'THE TOON'ATTACK 'THE GALLOWGATE END'
DURIN' THE 2nd HALF!

'Big Fat Sam' wud have had a 'big fat smile' az wide az the Tyne on hiz bloated 'boat race'< (Cockney slang!) az hiz side inflicted a one-nil defeat on us, with the anly goal of the game (of course!) bein' scored by the ex Toon hero 'The funky chicken' Kevin Nolan, who made a 'non celebration' of hiz goal @ 'The Gallowgate End' in the forst half! (az iz per usual theeze days!) 
('Hero' because he scored a hat-trick for 'us' against the SMBs two years ago in the 2010 '5-1' Halloween Derby Massacre!)

It reeely waz a lack lustre and poor performance from us, just three days after retornin' from wor European exploits in Belgium against Club Brugge!---BUT! that shud be 'ne excuse' az there waz anly ONE! player who made the startin' line up against 'The Cockney Boys', who made the startin' line up in Belgium last Thorsday!
(check both the team line ups below and in the Brugge match report fortha doon the page to find oot who it waz!)

A near full hoose crowd of 51,855 (which waz aroond 2,000 more than we predicted!), packed St James' Park and this included 3,000 or so 'jovial Jellied Eels' who were in 'level 7' of 'The Leazes End'!

Tyneside born 'Andy Pandy', who of course aalso made a retorn visit, waz booed by a section of the crowd, but it wasn't anywhere near az bad az when he came back with 'The Liverbirds' last time!---(Nolan hardly got any stick at aall!)

Anotha one to confine to the dustbin I'm afraid!

Toon team: Krul, Simpson (Obertan 79), Steven Taylor, Santon, Williamson, Santon, Ben Arfa, Cabaye, Gutierrez (Anita 23), Ferguson, Ba, Cisse (Shola Ameobi 46)

THE TOON v THE JELLIED EELS MOB***TOOODAY!

Posted '9:30am bells' Remembrance Sunday 11th November 2012

"WE WILL REMEMBER THEM!"

This afternoon @ '3 bells' 'Big Fat Sam' retorns again to St James' Park with a certain 'Andy Pandy' and SMB 'hat-trick hero' 'King' Kevin Nolan!
Whereaz Nolan iz sure to get a great reception, Andy will ne doubt get a mixed one to say the least!---and az for ex SMB 'Fat Sam'? (aa think yoo can guess that one!)

This game isn't on 'normal telly' but yoo can bet that a canny few bars will have it on!
A wreath layin' ceromony will take place before the match followed by a minutes silence on wot iz of course Remembrance Sunday

The Toon squad will be withoot 'Fab' Coloccini and Cheick Tiote who are banned and of course injuries to Ryan Taylor, Dan Gosling, James Perch and Haris Vuckic fortha deplete wor squad but happily Demba Ba shud be fit to face his old club!

The Jellied Eels Mob normally bring a canny squad up from 'eeest Landan' and we predict a 49,000 to 50,000 crowd will be present tooday

Match report az per usual will follow much later!---watch this space!

CLUB BRUGGE 2 THE TOON 2

Updated '8:25pm bells' Saturday 10th November 2012

THE TOON (IN WOR HIV VIZ YELLOW STRIP)
ATTACK THE BRUGGE GOAL

Ground number 293
Date of First Visit: 8th November 2012
Jan Breydel Stadion, Brugge, Belgium

Club Brugge 2
Newcastle United 2 (Anita, Shola Ameobi)

Europa League Group D

Attendance: 18,003 (2,600 Toon fans in the away end plus just as many 'hidin' in the home sections!)
(plus!-another 3,000 who were unable to get tickets and watched on big screens in the centre of Brugge!) (11,000 empty seats in the stadium!!!)


"A BRIDGE TOOO FAR!"

The neet before the match we drank in Brussels before heedin' for Brugge orly the next day which waz an hours train ride away.

We avoided the packed market square full of Toon fans where a big screen had been erected and heeded for some bars in the side streets away from the beaten track!
The bars aroond the square were aall servin' beer oot of plastic glasses, but the ones we foond had 'propa' ones to drink oot of!

Eventually we heeded in the direction of the groond which waz across a river that splits Brugge in two---anly to confronted by a line of 'dibbles' blockin' the picturesque bridge!
"Wor hotels on the other side of the bridge!" one of the lads said az he pointed to it in the distance, but they still wouldn't let us pass and so we had to de a mile detour across anotha bridge near to the train station to get ower the river!

"A BRIDGE TOOO FAR!"

The hotel they were stoppin' in had a bar and we decided to stop there until it waz time to gan to the match---which we were telt waz a twenty minute waalk from the hotel---WRANG!--it waz much fortha and az the police had banned Toon fans from usin' busses or taxis to get to the game, it waz 'shanks's pony' to the stadium! ("Wot a way to be treated!---EH!")

Havin' got through FIVE security checks, (that's reet FIVE!) we eventually got into the stadium with ten minutes to spare, but we were the lucky ones az quite a few missed the kick off!

Brugge took the lead in the 14th minute through Ivan Trickovski who shot past Tim Krul in the Toon goal and then doubled their tally six minutes later when Jesper Jorgensen hit an effort just inside the post in front of The Toon fans!

We fought back however when Anita hit a right footed screamer into the Brugge goal in the 41st minute and Shola Ameobi levelled things just two minutes later when he stabbed the baall home after he recieved a through baall from his younger brother Sammy to send the Toon fans wild with delight.

In the second period we nearly won it when 'Sammy Ami' hit the bar with a great shot but
there was ne more scorin' in the game and after bein' locked in for half an hour after the match we were eventually let oot for some post match 'liquid refreshments' in one of the local ale hooses!

We then heeded back to the hotel where a Toon fan telt us that hiz mate had been 'nicked'.
"Wot for?" we asked.
"He got to the fourth 'checkpoint' and waz asked once again to show hiz ticket, but he must have dropped it at the previous one and so they arrested him for attemptin' to get into the match withoot a ticket!"
(HONEST!--IT'S F*****' TRUE!)

Toon team: Krul, Anita, Williamson (Steven Taylor 58), Coloccini, Tavernier, Tiote, Sammy Ameobi (Amalfitano 83), Marveaux, Bigirimana (Cabaye 72), Obertan, Shola Ameobi

Europa League Group D
                      P   W   D   L   F   A   GD    Pts
THE TOON*4    2    2    0    6    2    +4    8 
Bordeaux****4    2    1    1    6    4    +2    7
Brugge******4    1    1    2    4    7     -3    4
Maritimo****4    0    2    2    1    3     -3    2

Much more to follow on wor trip in a 'mad-sad groundhoppers match/hootch report' later in the week!

CLUB BRUGGE v THE TOON***THORSDAY NEET!

Updated '7:55am bells' Wednesday 7th November 2012

Later this mornin' we set off from 'The Central' to King's Cross and then onward to Brussels by Eurostar for wor Europa Leegue group game in Brugge on Thorsday neet!

We are stoppin' in Brussels coz we reckon that it will be chaotic in Brugge centre, with an estimated 6,000 to 10,000 Geordies invadin' the beer capital of Belgium---and so Brussels it iz!

With an official followin' of 2,600 in the 'away end', there will be at least az many Toon fans in the home sections of the 29,000 capacity Janbredel Stadion, who have bought tickets elsewhere--many on the black market! (lets hope things divvint 'kick off'!)

A full and comreeehensive 'Geordie Times' 'mad-sad groundhoppers'/'beerhoppers' report will of course follow on eetha Friday neet when we get back or Saturday mornin' when we sober up! ("Er!"---"it's a lang jorney back yi naa!")

"It iz now time to put the computaa into hibernation once again for a few days!"
"ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!!"

THE LIVERBIRDS 1 THE TOON 1

Updated '10:10pm bells' Monday 5th November 2012


"WALK ON!---THROUGH THE RAIN!"
"AND YOOO'LL NE-VER WALK ALONE!"

This draw ended a run of seven successive defeats @ Anfield, but still we havent won here since 1995 and it iz nuw 18 games withoot success!

The home side started off with 'aall guns blazin' and it seemed anly a matter of time til they made the breakthrough! 
The view from row 2 of The Anfield Road End waz 'breathtakin' az yoo can see, (see below!) and for forty eight quid (plus a poond bookin' fee!) we couldn't complain!---but did the hat gan to the top of hiz heed???

"EXCUSE ME 'DIBBLE'!---BUT! DOES THAT HAT
GAN TO THE TOP OF YOUR HEED???"

However!--despite the home sides dominance in the orly exchanges, (we just managed to see roond 'dibble's' helmet!) it waz 'The Toon' who took the lead in the 44th minute of the forst half when Yohan Cabaye, on the left from us, hit a stunnin' strike across the face of the goal into the far corner of the net in front of The Kop, after Ben Arfa had sent a pin point cross to him across the box, to send the Toon faithful in the Anfield Road End into ecstasy!


"WHY DOES IT AALWAYS RAIN ON ME?"

At half time there waz a hilarious incident when a pitch waata sprinkler went 'beserk' and sprayed waata onto some 500 scousers in the main stand 'posh seats', drenchin' them to the bone!    
"Er!"---I naa we shudn't laff!---BUT!-------"HA!"--"HA!"
(see top photo!)

In the second period 'The Liverbirds' had many chances to level things and this finally happened at the mid point of the half when 'divin champion' Luis Suarez roonded Tim Krul in 'The Toon' goal and slotted home to break wor hearts!

THE TOON ATTACK THE ANFIELD ROAD END

'Fab' Coloccini waz then sent off in the 84th minute for a downward kick on 'diver Suarez' in frustration! (he did hiz divin' act a couple of times durin the game and had gave 'Fab' a torrid time throughoot the match!)

We held oot though for the point and it waz a releeeved Toon Army who left Anfield in the better mood!

On the injury front James Perch, Demba Ba and Yohan Cabaye aall limped off the pitch at various points durin' the match, to give wor manager a few heedaches ower the next few days in antisipation of wor trip to Brugge on Thorsday in the Europa Leegue!

Toon team: Krul, Anita, Steven Taylor, Coloccini, Santon, Ben Arfa, Perch (Simpson 25), Cabaye (Ferguson 67), Gutierrez, Ba (Sammy Ameobi 48), Cisse

Attendance: divvint naa yet but it waz a full hoose!  (wor guess is 44,500 plus, includin' 2,000 Toon fans!") "ER!"---just foond oot: 44,803

THE LIVERBIRDS v THE TOON****TODAY @'4 bells'!

Posted '7:45am bells' Sunday 4th November 2012


(SEE GROUND 003 IN THE 'ARCHIVE
GROUNDS LIST' IN THE TOP
TOOLBAR)
 

For wot must be the 100th time since 1968, 'The Geordie Times' heeds for 'Beatleland' for wor game against the 'red half' of Morseyside in less than an hours time (havin' played 'the blue half' in September!)

Wor record @ Anfield in recent years iz shockin' to say the least!---with the last win comin' in a 1-0 'leegue cup' triumph in 1995 (When Steve Watson scored the anly goal of the game!)
Since then we have failed to beat them in 17 attempts and have lost the last 'seven in a row'!

We set off @ '8:30bells' and I think we shud be able to find wor way there by nuw!?

Az per usual a full 'GeordieTimes' match and pub report will follow much later when we get back!

(Lets hope it isn't a 'Eight in a row' report!)