Monday, 23 April 2012

"EUROPE!--EUROPE!--HERE WE COME!"

Posted '8:10am bells' Monday 23rd April 2012
"I HAVE A DREAM!"

'The Toffee Noses of Everton's' 4-4 draw @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' yesterday afternoon means that they cannit catch us and we are now CERTAIN to qualify for at least the Europa League next season with FOWER games to spare!

This iz a fantastic acheeevement az a relegation battle waz forecast by aall at the start of the season!

The next challenge iz to get into the Champions League of course and az we are in FOURTH position we have a great chance of dein' so!

European qualification---az it stands @ '8:00am bells' Monday

1 The Cockney Reds of Salford---
played 35---points 83---Champions League place guaranteed 

2 The Blue Moonies 35/80---Champions League place guaranteed

3 The Arse 35/65---Champions League???
Europa League place guaranteed

4 THE TOON 34/62---Champions League??? Europa League place GUARANTEED!

5 Happy Harry's Hotspors 34/59---Europa League??? or Champions League ???

6 The OAPs of Chelski 34/58---Europa League place guaranteed by reachin' the FA Cup final.  Champions League ???

7 The Toffee Noses of Everton 34/48---CANNIT now qualify for any European competition

8 The Liverbirds 34/46---Europa League qualifiers by winnin' the League Cup---CANNIT qualify for Champions League

Aaltogether now!
"Howay, we're off to sunny Spain!"-
Aviva Espana!" 

Saturday, 21 April 2012

THE TOON 3----------THE PULLIS P*SS POTTS OF STOKE 0

Updated 'high noon bells' Sunday 22nd April 2012

A fantastic 3-0 result @ St James' Park yesterday secured the three valuable points and with aall the other results gannin wor way az well, it proved to be a memorable day aall roond!

The forst goal came in the 14th minute when Ben Arfa who bamboozled the Stoke defence and ran rings roond them centred from the Milburn Stand side for Demba Ba to heed against 'the bar' and the reboond fell porfectlee for Yohan Cabaye who heeded the baall into the net @ 'The Leazes End'!

Wor lead waz doubled just 5 mins later when a pressision pass from goal scorer Cabaye foond Papiss Demba Cisse and he porfectly placed his shot past the advancin' Stoke keeper!

This waz Cisse's ELEVENTH GOAL in TEN GAMES and that equals 'Micky 'Fat Boy' Quinns' Premya Leegue goals record for Coventry in the orly '90s'!---brilliant stuff!

Then in the 2nd period Yohan Cabaye sealed the match for the 'black 'n' whites with a shot of pure quality which hit the back of the net @ 'The Gallowgate End'!

Results orlier in the day meant that we moved up to fourth place in the league and wor 100th pub, namely 'The Star', waz on wor 'radar' after the game. (see below)

Spors against QPR waz on the telly and the men from 'Steptoeland' (QPR) won the day 1-0 much to the delight of aall in 'The Star', az it meeenz we stay in a Champions League position and are anly three points behind 'The Arse' in thord place az we speak! (with a game in hand!)

Aalso if The Toffee Noses of Everton fail to beat The Cockney Reds of Salford on Sunday dinnertime @ 'The Theatre of Muppets', then we will DEFINATLEEE qualify for at least the Europa League next season!---"Happy days!"

PS: The rumour that we cancelled the Northumberland Senior Cup final on Thorsday to relay the lines and widen the pitch to stop Stokes lang 'throw-ins' proved to be competeleee untrue!

Toon team: Krul, Simpson (Gosling 82), Williamson, Coloccini, Santon, Ben Arfa, Cabaye (Perch 60), Tiote, Gutierrez, Ba, Cisse (Shola Amiobi 69)  

Attendance: 52,162 (1,664 'P*ss Potts!)  

Wor quest to visit 100 pubs in one season waz ower and we completed this 'tonsil ticklin' task' @ '7 bells' last neet! (scroll doon!)

THE GEORDIE TIMES!---100 NOT OOT!---"LET THE CELEBRATIONS BEGIN!"

"THE GEORDIE TIMES 100 PUB CRAWL CHALLENGE HAZ BEEN COMPLETED!---THE WORLDWIDE CELEBRATIONS (AND BEYOND!) HAVE AALREADY BEGUN!---A HUNDRED PUBS IN TWENTY GAMES!"

"TOP 'O' THE WORLD!---JUST LIKE THE GEORDIE TIMES!"
 MOONT EVEREST---TIBET-NEPAL BORDER!

"HANDS UP!---FOR THE GEORDIE TIMES!"
EMPIRE STATE BUILDING--NEW YORK!

"SHOES OFF!---FOR THE GEORDIE TIMES!"
CAIRO--EGYPT!

SYDNEY HARBOUR--AUSTRALIA!
   ("NE EXPLANATION NEEDED!")






"IT'S A MESSAGE FROM PLANET EARTH!"
"THE GEORDIE TIMES HAZ JUST VISITED A NEW 'STAR'!"
"GET THE BROON ALE OOT!"



"FROM THE MONKEY BAR!" (BAR 001)
"TO THE STAR!" (BAR 100)








THE TOON v THE PULLIS P*SS POTTS OF STOKE---TODAY!

Posted '10:00am bells' Saturday 21st April 2012
THE 'LEAZES END' FROM LEAZES PARK LAKE

Tooday @ the unusual kick off time of '3 bells' we face a 'tuffee' against 'The P*ss Potts' @ St James' Park<(and aalways will be!)

The permutations of European qualification have now reached ridiculous proportions with ne one knowin' exactly where they stand, and wor manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' summed it up yesterday when he said:
"What I do know is that European qualification is about as complicated as it gets. We need Carol Vorderman to work this one out!
Lets just say there's a bit of confusion over it in my mind.
You're talking about qualifying games for the two competitions, for example when we might come into the qualifiers?. There seems to be a little bit of confusion over which position gets you where!?"

ie: De the FA Cup winners automatically take a place in the group stage of the Europa League--or not?--or does the team finishin' highest in the Premier League and qualifyin' for that competition avoid the qualifyin' stages instead!???
NEBODY at the FA or UEFA seems to naa!?----

In anotha 'bizzare twist', shud we finish in FOURTH position and Chelski finish FIFTH, but then gan on to WIN the Champions League, then THEY and NOT US would qualify for the Champions League next season!
This was not lost on wor manager eetha, when he further added:
"If we finish fourth, I would gulp on my beer if Chelsea won the Champions League!---that's for sure!--I'm sure we all would!"

--there's anly one thing to say to that, Alan!-----
"COME ON 'BARCA'!"  

Anyway!---gettin' back to todays game!
It's a complete 52,000 plus selloot with the visitors anly takin' 1,664 tickets for 'level 7' of 'The Leazes' and three points for us are crucial in wor bid for Europe! (even though we divvint naa where we need to finish yet!?)
We are biddin' for wor SIXTH consecutive win in a row for anly the thord time since we joined the 'premya', but it wont be an easy game against the lang throw bores of the Potteries.

Rumour haz it that we cancelled the Northumberland Senior Cup Final on Thorsday so we could relay and remark some of the pitch to make it WIDER! to try and stop their lang throw ins!?---we'll find oot if that iz true @ '3 bells' this afternoon!?

Full match report to follow az per usual eetha later toneet or orly tomorrow mornin' (dependin' just how much we have to drink if the final day of wor 100 Pub Crawl Marathon!?) (SEE BELOW!)    

Friday, 20 April 2012

THE STAR'S THE BAR!

Updated '9:10am bells' Saturday 21st April 2012
"YOU'RE A STAR!---YOU'RE A STAR!"

The Geordie Times 100 Pub Crawl Challenge big day iz upon us, az we will visit wor 100th 'liquid lubrication location' today after wor home game against 'The Pullis P*ss Pots of Stoke'

It's been a marathon effort, but we were NEVER in any danger of NOT completin' 100 az there are quite a few drinkin' dens that we havvent been te!

We've done 98 so far this season and will de wor 99th before the match (havvent decided where yet!) and wor 100th after the match, will be!-------
'THE STAR' on Westgate Road between '6:00 and 6:30 bells' which haz recently been refurbished and reopened!

This was wor main waaterin' hole in the 1970's, and after a Toon victory we would dance on the tables and bar coonta to celebrate, much to the annoyance of 'Robbie' the manager! 

History iz in the makin'!-----Be there for the celebrations toneet! 

Thursday, 19 April 2012

NUFC TICKET NEWS FOR REMAININ' GAMES

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 19th April 2012
^"SOLD OOT!"^

Ticket info for wor five remainin' premya leegue games are az follows:

The Pullis P*ss Pots of Stoke @ St James' Park on Saturday ('3 bells')
Limited number of tickets available due to the fact that the visitors have anly taken an allocation of 1,664 oot of a possible 3,000
The extra 1,300 plus tickets are now on sale to Toon fans and are expected to sell oot fast!

The Blue Wigs of Wigan away on Saturday 28th April ('3 bells')
Toon allocation of 4,500 tickets sold oot!---ne more tickets available

The OAPs of Chelski away on Wednesday 2nd May ('7:45 bells')
Toon allocation which iz unknown at the moment iz sold oot!---ne more tickets available

The Blue (it!?) Moonies of Manchester @ St James' Park on Sunday 6th May ('1:30 bells')
Live on SKY
Tickets still on sale

And finalleee! 

The Toffee Noses of Everton away on Sunday 13th May ('3 bells')
Tickets still on sale---allocation 3,000

Wednesday, 18 April 2012


Posted '1:00pm bells' Wednesday 18th April 2012
MIDDLEWOOD TRAININ' GROOND---SHEFF WED
(Plus NUFC team bus!)

Az promised, below are 'the mad-sad grundhoppers' match report(s) from the juniors games at Sheff Wed on Saturday. 'Ground 285 at last', followin' 'The Fulham Fiasco' a fortneet ago! (see ground '285 NOT Motspur Park' in the 'Archive grounds list' at the top of the page!)

There iz actually a great topic of debate az to whether we could infact include the game at Fulhams trainin groond in wor 'groundhoppers list' az we actually saw the game, aalthough we wernt actually inside the groond to see it!!! (like aa say---see ground '285 NOT' and aa'll let yeez decide!)

285 middlewood sheffield


(Ground number 285A and 285B!)
Date of First Visit: 14th April 2012

Middlewood Training Ground, Sheffield


(Pitch ‘A’)

Sheffield Wednesday U18s 1
Newcastle United U18s 3 (Dan Taylor 2, Ryan McGorrigan)

(Pitch ‘B’)

Sheffield Wednesday U16s 4
Newcastle United U16s 4 (scorers unknown!?)

FA Academy League (North)
Combined attendance: 99 (estimated!) (9 Toon fans---a tenth of the 'crowd'!---nearly!)



“SHAKEY RATTLE AND ROLL!”



‘Blondie Alan’ waz wor driver for this one and the ‘intrepid trio’ set off @ 8:30 bells for the high noon kick off @ Sheff Weds trainin’ ground near Hillsborough. (Blondie—Liam and meesel!)

We arrived @ 10:45 bells’ after followin' the team bus---(which had to make a 'U' turn after missin' the turn off to the groond!) and started lookin’ for a boozer that waz open az there waz still an hour and a qwaata til kick off time!

Two lasses were standin’ ootside a bar a couple of hundred yards away and ‘Blondie’ asked them wot time it opened. “It doesn’t open til twelve”, they replied in thick Yorkshire accents, "but there’s a bar called ‘Shakeys’ which is an eight minute walk away!”, az they pointed us in the reet direction!

EIGHT MINUTES did seem a bit of an odd ‘time to give'? az someone would normally say TEN or FIFTEEN minutes for example, but ‘off we set’ anyway and after a TEN MINUTE waalk (they got it SO wrang!) we spotted it not far from a tram stop in Hillsborough (the name of the district az well az the football groond)

After a ‘shake’ or two of the old John Smiths in 'Shakeys' it waz off to the tram stop az we were too lazy to waalk back to the trainin’ groond and it took aboot three minutes to get there az it ‘rattled and rolled’ on the uneven road!
"WE'RE SO! SAD, WE SAVE ANYTHING!"


"THE WALLY WITH THE BROLLY!"

The trainin’ ground even had a mobile food van--- and so!---(az yi de!) a bacon sarnie nosebag waz scoffed by aall!

To the right of the pitches behind the goal at that end a huge indoor domed aall weather trainin’ facility dominated the area and aa commented that it looked a little bit like ‘The Millenium Dome’ in London!
"THE MILLENIUM DOME END!"
(UNDER 18s GAME)

To the left of the pitches behind the far goals stood four huge ‘smoke free’ chimneys and they dominated that end of the groond
"THE FOUR (SMOKE-FREE) CHIMNEYS END!"
(UNDER 16s GAME)

Not for the forst time we had TWO games to watch at the same time, az the Under 16s were playin’ on the ajoinin’ pitch to the Under 18s game!

The main game we were here for however was the Under 18s and we positioned worsels near their touchline, makin’ sure that we could glimpse the action from the Under 16s pitch az well, which waz ‘next door’


'Alex of St George' waz anotha member of 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers club' to torn up and he went in search of some team sheets, but came back empty handed, moanin' that the anly 'sheets' he could find were the ones a gadgie waz puttin' in a washin' machine in the changin' rooms area! 

Both Toon teams wore their 'Orangebairns' change strips to avoid clashin' with Sheff Weds blue 'n' white stripes
The Under 16s game kicked off slightly orlier and after just ower half an hours play the home side were leadin’ 3-0 of which ‘yours truly’ witnessed two of them!

The Toon Under18s meanwhile took the lead in the 27th minute at ‘The Four ('Smoke Free') Chimneys End’ (wot else!?) with a fine shot from number nine, Dan Taylor.

At this juncture it started p*ssin' doon but we had come prepared with a huge black 'n' white brolly.
Aa tried to put it up, but az a'm not used to operatin' theeze contraptions, we got soakin' wet before we could open the bloody thing up!
Eventually---with some help, we got it opened--but guess wot!?---the rain soon stopped and then aa couldn't get it doon again! (it could anly happen to us!)

The Under 16s then pulled a goal back (which aa missed coz aa waz watchin’ an Under 18s attackin’ move!) and both sides went in at half time with that scoreline.

The Under 18s then went 2-0 up with a shot in the 50th minute from Ryan McGorrigan at ‘The Millenium Dome End’ (it had to be folks!)

Meanwhile!---The Under 16s pulled another goal back (missed that one az well az aa waz at ‘the tool shed’!) and then they levelled things on the hour mark. (a Toon U16s goal aa actually saw az there waz a lull in play on wor pitch!)

A minute later however Sheffields U16s regained the lead before we hit back yet again to make it 4-4 soon after with a shot that rattled off the bar (just!—seen it hit the net!)

On wor pitch Sheffields U18s pulled one back when Toon goalie Mitchell fumbled the baall from a powerful shot by their centre forward (me thinx?)

The Under 16s game finished soon after and so we could now fully focus on The Under 18s and a tap in from Dan Taylor for his 2nd goal in the 82nd minute made it 3-1 to us and that’s the way it ended!

To sum up: oot of the twelve goals that were scored in both games ‘The Geordie Times mad-sad groundhoppers’ saw SEVEN and missed FIVE! (Aalthough ‘Blondie Alan’ and Liam ‘claimed’ to have seen a couple more than this!)

Fink (the mad-sad groundhopper!)


"THIS PLACE REEELY TAKES 'THE BISCUIT'!"

Posted '10:05am bells' Wednesday 18th April 2012
"TAXI!"---IF yi can afford it!?
News that 'The Biscuit Men of Reading' won promotion back to the premya leegue last neet haz just reached 'The Geordie Times' by carrier pigeon!
It's a f***** aaful place to get te by train az yi have to change at Kings Cross, then get the tube to Paddington, then get anotha train to Reading and THEN yi have a choice of jumpin' on one of the 'cattle truck' futbaall busses that tek you to the groond, which iz four miles from the toon centre. (if yi can get on one!) OR! gettin' your eyes ripped oot by one of the taxis that will charge you a ridiculous amoont to drop you off at the groond, which iz in the middle of 'ne where'!

*Footnote: Reading FC used to be knaan az 'The Biscuit Men', but have now went 'up market' and caall themsels 'The Royals'---az far az 'The Geordie Times' iz concorned, we will aalways gan by their original name!

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

"REEED ALL ABOUT IT!"

Posted '7:30pm bells' Tuesday 17th April 2012

Two brilliant stories in 'The Ronny-Gill' tooneet are worth a mention!

Forstly, and on the front page, Papiss Demba Cisse paid a visit to a young fan from Bedlington who sent him a hand made  'Welcome to Newcastle' card.
Four year old Sam sent the card to the trainin' groond in Benton and Papiss waz so taken aback by this kind gesture that he made a secret visit to hiz hoose to thank him personally with a bag full of 'Toon goodies'! "Good on you Papiss!"

The second story involves the Ordnance Survey people, who make the official government maps, that the name 'St James' Park' will still be used by them despite the 'unsuccessful attempted' name change by the club!
"Good on YOU Ordnance Survey!"

Divvint forget!---it's---ST JAMES' PARK<(AND AALWAYS WILL BE!)

ARCHIVE GROUNDS MATCH REPORT LIST