QPR 0 THE TOON 0---'IT'S ELECTRYFYIN'!

Posted '8:15 pm bells' Tuesday 13th September 2011

"A VIEW TO DIE FOR!?---IT'S ELECTRIFYIN'!"

Housed in The School End Upper Tier the away fans gave the team a rousin' reception as they ran oot in their 'aall blacks' change strip


Aall eyes were of course on Joey 'Yee Naa Who' who was mekin' hiz home debut for the 'Hoops' in wot torned oot to be a reeel bore draw.
If it was truely aaful to watch on the box then it was even worse to be there, but the 1,850 Toon fans present made their voices hord in the 16,211 crowd.

Before the game we'd heeded for the ootskirts of Shepherds Bush to the Thatched House boozer where there were aboot ten locals in the bar.

Afta a few (expensive!)liquid refreshments there, it was off to 'The White Horse' nearer to the groond but the anly problem was!---we couldn't get sorved as there were just a handful of barstaff to sorve the hundred or so, of mainly QPR fans!
In the next boozer just alang the road we had more success and managed to porchase a 'prized liquid drink'! before heedin' for the tornstiles!

Like aa say!---the game wasn't ower clever and QPR were p*ss poor with us not much better!

The 'highlight'? of the game was when Steve Taylor wellied the baall ower the roof of the Ellerslie Road Stand to chants of "Steven Taylor over the roof" from the travellin' faithful!

Then, Sammy Ameobi came on with just two minutes to gan to chants of ,"If Sammy scores we're on the pitch!".
'Tongue in cheek', aa pointed oot to one young Toon fans singin' this behind me, that the wire at the front of the visitors enclosure was in fact electrified to stop any pitch invasions! (see top photo)
"Honest!---iz that reet?", he said, but aa just kept a straight face and nodded! 

Amazingly we are now fourth top (above Stoke in Alphabetical order!) and in a Champions League position! (If anly the season could end now!)

006 LOFTUS ROAD--NEW ARCHIVE REPORT BELOW

BACK TO SCHOOL ON MONDAY!

Updated '7:30 am bells' Monday 12th September 2011

Wor forst trip of the season to 'The Smoke' takes place  toneet @ '8 bells', when we face QPR in Shepherds Bush in a live 'Sky' televised game.

The 1,850 Toon fans will literally be 'Back to 'School' on Monday' as we are (as usual!) housed in 'The School End Upper Tier' behind the goal for the princely sum of £45 per ticket!  
Aa'm one of the lucky? 'fortunate few' who will have 'a view to die for', as aa have a seat in row three and shud get a 'clear view' of the action!!  (From some seats at the back of the stand you cannit see the goal line!, while otha seats have 'restricted view' written on the tickets!)

A certain guy caalled 'Joey' makes his debut for the home side while we will have at least one debutant in wor line up in the shape of full back Davide Santon.
A victory would take us to the dizzy heights of 4th top and into a Champions League place!

Match report to follow as usual sometime tomorrow when aa get back!?

ARCHIVE REPORT FROM 1968 BELOW!

THERE ARE MORE QUESTIONS THAN ANSWERS!

Posted '1:20 pm bells' Saturday 10th September 2011

Orlier on in the week 'The Evenin' Ronny-Gill' asked reeeders to send in questions that would actually be answered by wor 'beloved' M.D., known more affectionately to Toon fans as 'Llambs to the Slaughter'.

A limited??? selection of questions were asked and the replies from 'Llambsy' and comments from 'The Geordie Times' can be read below!

Question: Public opinion on Tyneside from large sections of the fans is that they can no longer trust statements coming out of the club after several empty promises. What assurances can you give fans that they can believe what the club tells them?

Answer: We don't feel we've made empty promises!

Comment: So the 'promise' that most of the £35 million 'Andy Pandy' money received would be spent on a new number nine (etc) was never made then????

Question: Many fans clamoured for a marquee signing on the striker front. Are these days gone?

Answer: The days of Newcastle United aquiring 'trophy' singings who command huge saleries for past successes on the pitch are over!

Comment: So it's free transfer and loan players who command 'pauper' wages then????

Question: Where's the money that was pledged to be invested in the squad gone? (afta the sale of 'yee naa who')

Answer: We made it clear that when we sold Andy that the fee we recieved would stay in the club, and it has!

Comment: You're REET 'Llambsy'!---it certainleee haz! (in yee naa who's wallet!)

Question: Are you concerned about the 10,000 drop in attendance (v Fulham)

Answer: On the contrary, season ticket sales are actually up on where they were this time last year!

Comment: They tell us that season ticket sales are UP on last year and then add that they're NOT concerned aboot aall the empty seats!???  (see below!) (pull the otha one!)

Question: Can you justify why it took seven months to pursue a striker before failing at the eleventh hour (literally!) to secure a signing?

Answer: Despite what many may think, we didn't leave it late--in fact we started the search the minute Andy left!

Comment: THERE'S NE ANSWER TO THAT ONE!

We cud gan on and on!---There are many questions still unanswered, like---"Is wor 'ambition' to simply survive in the Premya Leege like Wigan and Fulham?"---and the bottom line iz!---we are telt that we cannit even compete with the likes of QPR or Stoke anymore!--never mind the likes of Man U/City or Chelsea!----HELP!

As the words to the old song gans---
"There are more questions than answers!
The more I find out the less I know!"----That just aboot sums it up!

THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF BAA BAA THE BLACK 'N' WHITE SHEEP!

Posted '2:45 pm bells' Thorsday 8th September 2011

The original 'Geordie Times' was in cartoon form so we've decided to revive it for a special 'lets sign a centre forward' edition.

The Toon are desperate to sign a new centre forward and it's transfer deadline day, so 'Baa Baa' comes to the rescue and applies for the famous number nine shirt!

The amazing TRUE! story unfolds below!

Somewhere ^ inside ^the bowels^ of St James'^

'Llambsy': "Wot qualifications have you got?"

'Baa Baa': "Baa! Baaaa!---I was thord choice centre forward for 'Cruddas Park Cr*p Shovellers' last season in the 'Tyneside over 95's Tuesday Midneet League' and aa scored one solitary goal, when the baall was deflected off a 'Grainger Park Grannies' defender's zimmerframe and into the net!

We lost 37-1! Baaaa!"

Llambsy:"That's just wot I want to hear!---Your track record is 'spot on'!"---"Everything seems to be in order and you have an excellent goals record in a quality league!---The number nine shirt's yours!"

In the meantime there's turmoil at the club that evenin' and before an annoocement on wor new centre forward is made to the waitin' press and TV crews, Baa Baa gets caalled back into the M.D.'s office

Llambsy: "We've got a crisis on our hands!---We've had to sack our head tea boy and general 'dogsbody' coz he didn't grovel enough!---Wot are you like at brewing tea?"

Ba Ba: "Baaa! Baa!--I make a canny cuppa!"

Llambsy: "Are you a crawler and a 'YES MAN'?"

Baa Baa: "Baaa! Baaaaaa! YES!-I'm the biggest crawler you'll ever meet and I'll kiss your expensive crocodile shoes as well!---Baaa! Baaaaa!"

Llambsy: "I like your attitude!--you've really impressed me and your qualifications for the position of head tea boy are second to none!---You've got the job!---after all we've got to get our priority's right---haven't we!?"

Baa Baa: "BAAAAA! BAAAAAAA!----'Lick' 'lick' 'grovel' grovel!"

"Attention all Newcasel fans!---We interupt this programme to bring you some sensational news!

'Baa Baa' has just been appointed head tea boy at St James' Park!"

"A club spokesman said, "I'm sure the fans will be delighted at our new appointment and it shows our  commitment to the long term future of the club to get someone of 'Ba Ba's 'calibre' on board!---And as for a new centre forward???---Who cares!?---We've got 'Baa Baa' now to brew the tea!" 

Artwork by 'Jamie' aged two! (nearly!)

Words by 'Zac' aged seven months!

WHERE'S THE HORSE?

Posted '10:50 am bells Wednesday 7th September 2011

"WHERE'S  THE  F*****'  HORSE  GONE?"

News reaches 'The Geordie Times' that wor manager, 'I beg your Pardew', flew  to Switzerland last neet to watch their European qualifier against Bulgaria, in pursuit of Bayer Leverkusen striker Erin Derdiyok who played for the Swiss in a 3-1 win.
Az the transfer deadline haz passed (believe it or not Alan!?) this iz rather like shutin' the stable door after the horse haz bolted!

TOON LAUNCH THORD AWAY STRIP---IN A MANSFIELD TAKEAWAY!?

Posted '10:30 am bells' Tuesday 6th September 2011

Exclusive photos! have just reached 'The Geordie Times' by carrier pigeon, that wor new thord choice change 'strip' has just been launched in the 'Wong Pong' Chinese takaway in Mansfield, 'modelled' by wor 'beloved'? 'low profile'? 'team leader'!?

The white underkeks (which yoo can just see!) can be porchased from 'Marks & Sparks' for two poond fifty for a pack of fower! and the leather whip can be porchased from any 'Ann Summers' shop for a tenner!
(Owerneet queues antisipated!---No! 'skinny b******s'!)

2011-2012 TOON FORST TEAM SQUAD NUMBERS---THE STORY SO FAR!

Updated '8:35 am bells' Monday 5th September 2011

?????????

Now that the summer transfer window has closed the latest list of NUFC Squad numbers have finally been released and can be viewed below.  
'The Geordie Times' will be dein' a new more detailed 'page' at the top of this blog for future reference.
Davide Santon takes departed Enrique's number three shirt, while new goalie Rob Elliot still has to be allocated one.
And az for a new number NINE!!!!?????????

1 Harper
2 Coloccini
3 Santon
4 Cabaye
5 Simpson
6 Williamson
7 Barton
8 Guthrie
9 ????????? "CAN WE HAVE ONE-PLEEEEZE!?"
10 Ben Arfa
11 Lovenkrands
12 ?
13 ?
14 ?
15 Gosling
16 R Taylor
17 Smith
18 Gutierrez
19 Ba
20 Best
21 Forster X (on loan to Celtic)
22 Marveaux
23 Shola Ameobi (just signed a 2 year extention to contract)
24 'Cheik' (it oot!) Tiote
25 Obertan
26 Krul
27 S Taylor
28 Sammy Ameobi
29 Vuckic
30 Ranger
31 Ferguson
32 Donaldson
33 Sodenberg
34 Tavernier  X (on loan to Carlisle)
35 Abeid
36 to 44 ?
45 Dummett

Forst team squad players withoot numbers so far?

? K Lua Lua  X (on loan to Brighton)
? Perch
? Kadar
? Xisco kid  X (gone on loan to waamer climes in Spain!-again!)
? Airey X  (on loan to Hibs)
? Richardson  X  (on loan to Orient)
? Newton
? Inman
? Adjei
? Forlan
? Henderson
? Zambiera
? Edmundsson
? Moyo
? Streete
? Nzuzi
? Elliot

LATEST AWAY TICKET NEWS

Posted '7:00 am bells' Sunday 4th September 2011
Tickets for QPR on Monday week are now sold oot thanx mainly to the clubs decision to take anly the upper tier of the away end which holds 1,850.
My ticket cost £45 despite the fact that we were telt that prices had been reduced from £50 to £40 ??? (£45 ISN'T £40 IS IT!)

2,700 Villa tickets are on sale priced at £43 for 'big kids' for wor game on Saturday 17th September, while Forest are to charge us a measly £17 to get in for wor League Cup tie three days later on Tuesday the '20th' and we have been given 4,500 tickets for that one.

Bent Nose McCarthy's Wolves tickets are aalso on sale for wor game there on Saturday 1st October, priced at £34 (reductions on aall the above games for sprogs and zimmerframites!)

CENTRE FORWARD---DEAL, DEAD & BURIED!

Posted '10:10 pm bells' Friday 2nd September 2011

Wor 'beloved'? managin' director who is known affectionately to Toon fans az 'Llambs to the Slaughter' haz issued the followin' statement this afternoon regardin' the signin' of centre forward Jeff  Astle.
(Quote!) "Unfortunately the deal has fallen through due to the fact that we've just found out that Jeff is in fact DEAD! so he wont be joinin' us or be in the team to play QPR on Monday week!"


YESTERDAY


"The 'ASTLE' sign on the front of The East Stand has now been removed and will shortly be replaced by some very nice sports company logos to brighten up the stands frontage!"

"Our loyal mugs ("er!--sorry!---FANS!") can rest assured that every avenue will explored in our bid to sign a 'quality' centre forward!"---("That's!--- Dipton Avenue, Benwell,---Binswood Avenue, Blakelaw, Haig Avenue, Dunston---Avenue Road, Bensham and Leztz'Be Aven'ue, North Shields Police HQ!)



In anotha statement 'Llambsy' ("Baa!") states the followin'!
(Quote!) "Of course we all hoped to secure a further striker in the window in adition to Denba Ba!" (a free transfer!)
"Work to bring in an extra striker began in the early summer!" (we sold Andy Pandy in January remember!)
"Negotiations were complex and protracted and unfortunately it was disappointing that ultimately we could not secure our priority target!" (ie: a free transfer ne doubt!)
"We have a very clear policy and will not make knee jerk decisions at the last minute!" (ie: we want the players for next to nowt!)
"We understand that supporters (ie: mugs!) will feel frustrated that we did not sign another striker during the window, but it was not for the lack of trying that we did not bring our final target in!" ( a loan player perhaps?)

WHICH STATEMENT DO YOU BELIEVE IS THE MOST BELIEVIBLE!???  



'LAMBS TO THE SLAUGHTER'---meaning of the phrase
In an unconcerned manner!
Unaware of INPENDING DISASTER!
Origin---From The Bible---Jerimiah 11:19!