A CENTRE FORWARD AT LAST!

Posted '3:00 pm bells' Thorsday 1st September 2011

'Sensational news' haz just reached 'The Geordie Times' that former West Bromwich Albion centre forward and 'legend' Jeff Astle, who scored the winnin' goal in the 1968 FA Cup final at Wembley and who died  nine years ago has signed for 'The Toon' just before '11 bells' transfer deadline last neet!

In jubulation of finally signin' a 'number 9' the club have even put his name on The East Stand roof, replacin' the 'NEWCASTLE UNITED' letterin' that has been there since anybody can remember! (see picture above which was taken yesterday, just after Jeff signed, if yi divvint believe iz!)

 'Jubulant' manager, 'I Beg Your Pardew' said: (and I quote!) 'This is great news for the fans to have a 'propa' centre forward at last! and hopefully we'll fill the groond for the visit of Blackborn Rovers in wor next home game!?"

JEFF ASTLE (NUMBER 9) SCORES THE WINNIN' GOAL
AGAINST EVERTON IN THE 1968 FA CUP FINAL

HELP!

Posted '4:10 am bells' Thorsday 1st September 2011    (just finished nightshift!)

"The summer transfer deadline!---has come and gone!"
"We need a centre forward!---but we've got none!"

"We sold  'Andy Pandy'!---for thorty five 'mill'!"
"Demba Ba replaced him!----and he cost exactly 'nil'!"

"They promised they would spend it!---but they didn't, as was feared!"
"Where's aall the money gone?---IT'S SIMPLY DISAPPEARED!" 

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

Fink (the mad-sad groundhopper!)
(September the 1st 2011)

THE CLOCK'S 'A' TICKIN'!

Posted '4:07 pm bells' (see clock!) Wednesday 31st August 2011

NEWCASIL CENTRAL STATION CLOCK---"TICK!-TOCK!-TICK-TOCK!"

There iz now just 6 hours and 53 minutes from the '11:00 pm bells' transfer deadline and there iz still ne news of the 'much needed' signin' of a centre forward to add to wor signin' of  left back Davide

Santon from Inter Milan and goalie Rob Elliot from Charlton---But fear not!---'The Geordie Times' will let yi naa straight away!? (probably half a day late!) if there are any fortha developments on the transfer front!

Remember!---"We'll bring yoo the latest news, second hand, forst!"

BENT NOSE McCARTHY WANDERERS RESORVES 1 THE TOON RESORVES 1

Uodated 'high noon bells' Wednesday 31st August 2011

The Toons second string played their forst competit-ive game of the season last neet when they travelled to deepest Shropshire to take on Wolves @ Bucks Head, Telford

We went behind orly on when James Spray tapped the baall into The Toon net past Sodenberg from close range, anly for  'Sammy Ami' to reply for 'us' before the break with a twenty yard shot

Midway through the 2nd half the home side were reduced to 10 men when Ebanks Landell was red carded for a bad challenge on Jeff Henderson but we couldn't tek advantage and had to be happy with a point.

Attendance: 365 (don't know how many Toon fans were there---yet!)

Footnote: 'The Geordie Times' wasn't there coz we visited this groond in 1996 when wor second string won 1-0
(For match report of THAT game---scroll doon this page!)
Resorves forthcomin' fixtures/venues and result(s) to follow later!

NEW SIGNINGS--IT'S OFFICIAL!----------AND AWAY TICKET NEWS

Updated '3:30 am bells' Wednesday 31st August 2011

Inter Milan left back Davide Santon has signed for The Toon and a reported fee of five mill' has been quoted.
Goalie Rob Elliot has aalso signed from Charlton but there's ne mentioned as yet aboot a much needed centre forward! (less than 20 hours now, till the 'window closes'!)

AWAY TICKET NEWS
We have an allocation of 1,850 tickets for wor Monday neet game on the 12th Sept against QPRag & Bone Men (£40* gadgies & gorls) and an allocation of 2,711 for Villa on the 17th Sept (£43* gadgies & gorls) (*less for zimmerites & sprogs)

MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS!

Posted '4:00 am bells' ("Er!"---av been workin' nightshift again!") Wednesday 31st August 2011

Last neet The Toon resorves took on 'Bent Nose McCarthy Wanderers' resorves @ Bucks Head, Telford @ '7:00 bells'.
We drew 1-1 thanx to a fine equalisin' shot by Sammy Ameobi in front of a 'crowd' of 365
Aa didn't  gan coz av been there before to watch the resorves in the 1990's 

PS: A'v done a 'mini match report' from wor trip to Telford in 1996 and you can read it below

136 bucks head telford

(GROUND NUMBER 136)

DATE OF FIRST VISIT: 6^th MARCH 1996

BUCKS HEAD, TELFORD


 
WOLVERHAMPTON WANDERERS RESERVES 0

NEWCASTLE UNITED RESERVES 1 (Darren Huckerby)


 
CENTRAL LEAGUE DIVISION ONE

ATTENDANCE: 687 (Estimated 50 Toon fans)


 
"CANDY FLOSS---TOFFEE APPLES AND 'SNAKE AND PIGMY PIES'!"


 

BUCKS HEAD WITH THE BUCKS HEAD BOOZER BEHIND!

Caall us sad bastards if yi like, but we'd never seen The Toon play at Telford before and so we HAD to gan! 'The Caped Crusader' picked us up in his 'batmobile' at 'ten to one bells' and we heeded for darkest Shropshire!

250 miles later, we arrived at 'The Bucks Head' pub which was reet next door to the ground (very handy indeed!) 'Indeed!', the 'Bucks Head groond' is named after the pub (so we were telt!) and to celebrate this we downed several pints of the very nice local liquid refreshment before staggerin' next door for a couple more in the Telford Supporters Club. (NOT! 'The Caped Crusader' I may add, as he had to drive us back as well, so he was anly allowed to drink orange!)


 
On enterin' the ground we couldn't believe wor eyes as 'Glen from Ashington' and 'Mark from Morpeth' (the otha two sad bastards in the 'batmobile!) pointed towards a small stall which was sellin' candy floss and toffee apples!?

It was a 'forst' for me coz of aall the matches a'v been te to see The Toon (well ower 1,000) it's the forst time (and probably last!) that a'v seen a candy floss stall at a futbaall groond!

Christ!---wih thought wih must have been on Tynemooth or Whitley Bay beach and one dickhead aged aboot thorty five and dressed in a Wolves top was gettin' stuck into his giant candy floss but 'I' (sensibly?) opted for a 'snake 'n' pigmy' pie instead in the tea hut, which was aboot 150 degrees centigrade and it nearly bornt mee tongue off as the red hot gravy ran doon mee face and chin! "AAARRRGGGHHH!!!"

It took the whole of the forst half to cool doon before aa could eerrit and oh!(by the way!) it was pretty poor fare on the pitch anyway and the sides went in goalless at half time!

The second half was a little bit better (and thankfully, so was mee tongue by then!) and produced the one and anly goal of the game to 'us' when Darren Huckeby hit a well struck shot past their keeper to seal the win and the three points for The Toons second string

The anly other incident of note was when Wolves centre back John De Wolf (canny name for a Wolves player!) was sent off for a bad challenge on Paul Kitson.


 
We finally arrived back yem at qwaata to one in the mornin' havin' ticked another one off the sad bastards list!


 
©Fink™ (the mad-sad grJundhJpper!)

THE TOON 2 THE JACKSON JIVERS of FULHAM 1

Updated '1:00 pm bells' Monday 29th August 2011

"HELLO LEVEL 7!---IZ THERE ANYBODY THERE!"

An absoluteleee cr*p forst half with hardly any chances of note was the fare on show @ St James' in front of wot looked like a sub 40,000 crowd, not helped by the fact that 'The Jackson Jivers' of Fulham had brung fewer than 500 fans, who were huddled in the top reet hand corner of 'Level 7' in The Leazes End with the widest segregation gap a'v ever seen at any groond! (see photo above)

We started the second half off much better and took the lead at The Gallowgate End with just three minutes gone, when a shot from Yohan Cabaye was tipped onto the bar by Schwarzer their goalie, anly for the baall to faall in front of Leon Best who had the easy chance of tappin' it in from barely one yard oot!

Wor lead was doubled ten minutes later through Best again when a Demba Ba cross foond him and he unleashed a fierce laft footer to beat Schwarzer once again!

There were anxious moments at the end of the match when the visitors pulled one back through Dempsey in the 88th minute, followin' a free kick, to finally beat Krul in The Toon goal who had been ootstandin' throughout the match with several brilliant saves.
Referee Kevin 'Friend' torned oot to be anything but with several dodgy decisions, but we hung on to claim the three 'precious points'

Man of the match HAS to be Tim Krul

The win took us up to joint top for a brief period before the two Mancunian clubs spoilt it aall by 'narrow' wins against Spors and The Arse resectivelee (Man C won 5-2 at Spors and Man U 'just' beat The Arse 8-2!) 
We are currently in SIXTH place in the Premya Leeeg with three games played!

Attendance 42,684 (anly 433 'Jackson Jivers'!)
(We must have included season ticket holders who didn't torn up!?)
Average League attendance so far (2 games) 44,789 (Last season 47,718)

THE TOON v THE JACKSON JIVERS

Posted '9:15 am bells Sunday 28th August 2011

In the orly hours of this afternoon (1:00 bells!) we play Mohammad Al Fayed's  'Jackson Jivers' @ St James Park, but just why this untelevised game iz kickin' off at this time instead of  '3:00 bells' is anybodys guess?????.
(The match is on today coz they played in Europe on Thorsday)

This meens an orly pub crawl start to prepare for the match amd wor forst 'port o caall' will be 'The Union Rooms' to add anotha to wor 100 pub crawl list (see nav bar at top of page)

A low crowd is predicted and aa don't suppose that 'The Jivers' will have many fans in 'Level 7' and mee guess is that it will be aroond aboot the 40,000 mark
We could actually gan top of the League should we win by a big score (very unlikely!)
Aalso 'very unlikely' is the inclusion of Nile Ranger in wor squad, who was arrested in 'The Bigg Market' in the orly hours of Saturday mornin' for (allegedlee!) knockin' some kidda oot and breakin' his jaw! (Just like twitter 'Joey', anotha headline grabber for the wrang reason!)

Kevin 'Friend' is wor ref for today---lets hope he IZ !

Match reprt to follow later toneet!

Footnote: Bad news for 'Toonhoppers'  
We had a possible SEVEN new groonds to visit in the League Cup 3rd Roond draw, but (predicablee!) we drew Forest away---a groond we have been to many times before! 

(G)ONE JOEY BARTON?---OFFICIAL!

Updated '7:15 am bells' Saturday 27th August 2011

"WELCOME TO SHEPHERDS BUSH--JOEY!"

It's official!--- 'Go'ey Barton has signed for 'the rag and bone men' from Shepherds Bush and has penned a lucrative fower year deal!
Just why he wants to gan to a club with just one third of wor support beats me, but 'the powers that be' at The Toon have made it very clear that they divvint want him here! ("Er!"---"mebeez sixty thoosand quid a week has 'twisted hiz arm' az well!")

Accordin' to 'Go'ey, they have more ambition than we do and have a new billionaire owner who is willin' to 'splash the cash' (if only we had one!?)

But to be fair, Shepherds Bush does have an array of designer clothes shops and posh restaurants that shud appeal to scouser 'Go'ey's expensive tastes!

SOMEWHERE IN SHEPHERDS BUSH MARKET! (HONEST!)

OH YES!---And his debut will be against!!!???----------"US!"----------YI COULDN'T MAKE IT UP!

Footnote: For those of you who are tooo young to remember, 'Steptoe & Son' was a very popular 1960's BBC comedy series aboot  father and son rag and bone men, who were based in the Shepherds Bush area of London, not far from Loftus Road!
(so!---nuw yi naa!)