255 whaddon road cheltenham

(GROUND NUMBER 255)
Date of First Visit: 28^th JANUARY 2006
WHADDON ROAD, CHELTENHAM


CHELTENHAM TOWN 0
NEWCASTLE UNITED 2 (Chopra, Parker)

FA CUP 4^th ROUND
ATTENDANCE: 7,022 (1,060 Toon fans)



"EVER DECREASING CIRCLES!"

Whaddon Road was a 'rare' new Leeegue groond for the thoosand and sixty 'Toonhoppers' present, who were lucky enough to get their hands on a 'prized' ticket and it was aalso a 'major milestone' for 'little old me' (Whey!---little a'm not---old aa am!) in mee Newcastle groundhoppin' exploits, as this just happened ti be the 100^th groond a'd visited of the 92 teams 'currently' in the League at the time.
Er!---if that soonds a bit 'Irish', aa should explain that that total
includes 24 'bulldozed' groonds that have 'bit the dust', the vast majority of which, have been (shamefully!) torned into supermarkets, business parks and hoosin' complexxxezz!


So!--- aa was 'ecstatic' (ti say the least!) when aa hord the news on Sky Sports that Cheltenham had beaten Chester in their thord roond reply for the right to host The Toon, as a'd aalready been ti Chester before ("GERRRIN!")


Taalkin' aboot 'major milestones', The Toon aalso had a 'nice roond figure' ti celebrate as well, as this was wor 5,000 competitive game in wor history


However!---A twelve thorty televised kick off was not what we wanted, but the 'hoverin' vultures from the 'BEEB' ('bless em'---NOT!) were prayin' that they could have their 'cake and eat it' and that we would be eatin' 'humble pie'!
A 'two am bells' alarm caall therefore was on the cards thanx to 'Motty & Co.'
Mee two travellin' companions for the near six hundred mile roond trip were, namely, 'Tex' "yee haa" Taylor and 'Norman the Cowboy Plumber' who's 'jam jar' we were usin' ti gan doon in


We left at 'three thorty bells' and aa did the forst spell of drivin' doon ti Worcesterhire before havin' ti stop at the motorway services coz aa was absolutely shattered! (a'd anly managed two hours 'shuteye' the neet before)
After a quick 'nosebag' and a very expensive cup of 'Robert Lee', we set off again with 'Cowboy Norman' drivin' the final leg.


A'd done a hand drawn 'Auto Route' map of how ti get ti the groond and aa gave mee instructions oot as we sped doon the 'M5'
"Torn off at junction 10 then left at the big roondaboot next ti 'McDonalds" (etc etc) aa said and we eventually foond the groond with not one wrang tornin', which proved what a good navigator aa was and aa was 'chuffed ti bits' ti say the least that wi'd got there withoot havin' ti ask anybody directions.


But there's one 'tiny detail' a'd forgot aboot!---we had to pick Norman's brother 'Fawlty Towers' up at the train station as he'd been ti Sooth Wales for a couple of days visitin' his 'skin and blisters', Marjorie and Irene
Nuw the anly problem was!---aa had'nt thought of deein' a map ti get from the groond ti the station, so we set off 'blind' in the general direction of the toon centre which was two miles away.
We spotted some signs for the station and of course followed them, but! when we came to a roondaboot near the toon centre the signs suddenly disappeared. "Which way di wi gan nuw?", said 'Norman the Cowboy' as the traffic backed up behind us. Usin' mee 'navigational skills' aa telt him ti torn left and of course it was the wrang way and we got completely lost!


After drivin' aboot aimlessly for twenty minutes we passed the same booza THREE TIMES!, which meant that we were in fact gannin' aroond in CIRCLES! After the next 'circuit' we eventually flagged a postman doon to ask him the way and after dein' a much smaaller 'circle' we arrived at the station some three qwaatas of an hour after leavin' the groond! Of course bein' the 'navigator', aa got the blame for gettin' lost and mee reputation lay 'in tatters'! (the shame!)


We were late and we picked an impatient 'Fawlty' up and attempted to heed back to the groond. Again we got lost (AYE!---we passed that pub again!) so we ended up byin' an 'A to Z of Cheltenham' at a petrol station to find wor way back! (yi could'nt make it up---could yi?)



"HEY DIDDLE DIDDLE!---THE CAT AND THE FIDDLE!"
We (eventually!) parked up in a church car park near the groond (praise the lord!) and heeded for the warmth of 'The Cat and Fiddle' booza, just ower the road as it was aboot 'minus six' by this time. Predictably, bein' the anly booza we could see, it was chocker with Toon and Cheltenham fans.

"Sanctuary!"


'Match of the Day' was on the telly and they were givin' us a pre match view from inside the groond as the cameras panned towards the Cheltenham fans with their drums, horns and six layers of clothin'!
The cameras then panned to wor end where three rather rotund 'twenty stone plus' Toon fans were standin' bare chested in the arctic conditions with their beer bellies hangin' oot for aall the world to see, as the camera lenses zoomed in! (one for the ladies?)
Alan Hanson, who was one of the commentators, just shook his heed in disbelief, mutterin', "Hard men!---hard men!" (Brilliant!)
A sign on the bar waall pointed the way to 'The Drinkers End', (which just happened to be in the same direction as the visitors section, as we looked oot the window towards the groond) so when it was 'time ti gan', we had ne problems (this time!) findin' the way to 'wor end' of the groond!. (ie: we didn't need the 'A' to 'Z'! this time)




"YI COULD'NT SELL AALL YER BURGERS!"

Cheltenham of course is more famous for the Gold Cup than the FA Cup and their tiny home was packed to the rafters as the game kicked off with chants of *"Souness out!" from some disgruntled Toon fans! (before? the kick off?—"howway lads and lasses, support the team instead!") (*Graeme Souness was wor unpopular manager at the time)
It was a decidedly average performance until 'Chops' heeded into the net from close range in the 41^st minute and then 'Scotty' got wor 2^nd two minutes later when he got in the way of a defenders clearance and the baall hit him in the 'nether regions' and deflected into the net just inside the post! ("ouch!")
With two goals in three minutes, this effectively sealed 'The Robins' fate to send the Toon fans in raptures. (Chants of "Souness in!" then reverberated around the 1,000 seater away stand!) "Aarrgh!"


Then after the break, 'Big Al' went agonizingly close ti breakin' the club *goal scorin' record when he just failed to toe poke the baall into the net from a yard oot! (*He was equal with 'Wor Jackie' on 200 goals)
Cheltenham goalie Higgs took a load of ribbing with chants of "Higgy for England!" and much worse as the Toon fans took the p***! ----And he 'took the bait', 'hook, line and sinker', by reactin' angrily with hand gestures towards the away section! (NO!—he WASN'T wavin' at us!)
The home side then had two glorious chances to score but (thankfully!) missed them both, the second after Odejayi rounded Shay Given anly to blast the ball into the side nettin' with the goal empty!
(This brought sarcastic chants of "ARE YOU SHOLA IN DISGUISE?" from the Toon fans!)


The highlight of the second half however was when a hamburger seller with a hand written sign sayin', 'ALL FOOD HALF PRICE!' hurried alang the front of the away section to chants of "YI COULD'NT SELL AALL YER BURGERS!", from the Toon wags!
The burger seller was then chased by a rather obese Toon fan who promptly bought THREE! of them!
This brought further chants of, "YOU'RE JUST A FAT GREEDY BURGER!" (or words to that effect!) when he started scoffin' them 'Billy Bunter style'!


By the time the match finished, aa was aalso 'Hank Marvin' and so aa heeded straight for 'The Cheltenham Chippy' (or whatever it was caalled?) next to the away end for a bag of 'jockeys whips' (what else in Cheltenham?) before makin for 'The Cat' once again (ti let the traffic get away yi understand!)


Aa then bumped into a Toon fan caalled 'Kev' who said that we would now be favorites for the Cup! ?
Of course with a 'two thorty bells' finish, he was reet!---as we were the anly ones through ti the last 16 at that stage!
(WHO SAYS WE'RE NOT OPTIMISTS!?)




GEORDIE GLOSSARY OF TERMS

It has come to my attenshun that some fans can't understand what a'm sayin' (Er!---sometimes neetha can aa!) so for this reeeson a'v added an 'A to Z' 'Geordie Glossary of Terms' to help the 'non Geordie reeeders' amongst us!


Aa=I,
Big Al=Alan Shearer
Bells='O' clock
Booza=Public house
Chops=Michael Chopra
De(in)=Do(ing)
Gan(in)=Go(ing)
Gerrrin=Get in
Groundhoppers=Fans who visit new grounds
Hank Marvin=Starving
Howway=come on
Jam jar=Car
Jockeys Whips=Chips
Nosebag=Food (glorious food!)
Qwaata(z)=Quarter(s)
Robert Lee=Tea
Skin and blisters=Sisters
Scotty=Scott Parker
The Toon=Newcastle United FC
Toonhoppers=Newcastle away fans
Whey=Well
Wor=Our
Wor Jackie=Jackie Milburn


Cheers!




©Fink™ (the mad-sad gr☺undh☺pper!)




PS: Extracts from the above story aalso appeared in the next Newcastle home programme, on the 'Fink The Fan' page

276 champions hill stadium dulwich hamlet

(GROUND NUMBER 276)
Date of First Visit: 6^th JANUARY 2011
CHAMPIONS HILL STADIUM, DOG KENNEL HILL, DULWICH, sooth LONDON


DULWICH HAMLET U18's  2
NEWCASTLE UNITED U18's  6
(Maddison 4, McGorrigan, Spear)


FA YOUTH CUP 3^rd ROUND
ATTENDANCE: 439 <(looked like at least 700 to me like!?) (100 Toon fans)




"HAPPINESS IS A 6-2 WIN AT HAMLET!"

"A 6-2 win!---where's mee Hamlet cigars!???"


Part One:
"TO BE!-OR NOT TO BE!---THAT IS THE QUESTION!?"


The original game at the beginnin' of December was caalled off with less than 24 hours notice because of aall the bad weather we were havin', meanin' that wor advance £27 train tickets we'd bought had to be 'binned'. And as the weather was still 'iffy' one month later we decided to drive doon to Peterborough and get a cheap day retorn ticket on the train/tube rather than pay in advance again and lose the money if the game was called off at the last minute.
What we wanted to naa of course was---"was the game to be played---or not to be played---that
was the question! (now!---where have aa hord that before???)

We got the 'thumbs up' that the game was on this time ("horray!") and set off doon the 'A1' at 'eleven bells' in 'The Caped Crusaders' 'bat-mobile' with 'The Mad Professor' in the back seat. Once in Peterborough we let the train (and tube) take the strain and arrived in East Dulwich some two hours before the 'seven bells' kick off. There was a 'liquid lubrication location' ower the road from the train station caalled 'The Vale' so we made that wor forst Dulwich 'port o call'.
The lassie behind the bar telt us that she was from Waallsend and that hor auntie lived in Lobley Hill in Gatesheed (a place aa naa very well) and aa couldn't help thinkin' ---"what a smaall world it is!"


Part Two:
"ONLY!--- TWENTY FOUR MINUTES FROM TULSE HILL!"


'Bysy' from Ashington then waalked into the bar and said that he'd travelled doon on his aan by bus but strangely there was nee sign of 'Dave from York' or 'Alex' his side kick as they'd phoned us orlier to say that they were half an hour in front of us on the train (so WHERE THE F*** were they?)


Ten minutes later they waalked perplexed <(wotever that meeenz?) into the bar, explainin' that they'd ended up in East Croydon as they'd got completely lost on the train! ("Er!"---it should be explained that BOTH! of them are retired train company managers!) (ie: if THEY! can't find there way aboot then how the F*** can WE?) They said that the train timetable at East Croydon telt them that they were only 'twenty four minutes from 'Tulse Hill', a station not far from East Dulwich and so they hopped on the REET train this time and arrived half an hour behind us! (red faces aall roond!)





"ONLY!--TWENTY FOUR MINUTES FROM TULSE HILL!"



After a couple of 'gargels' there, it was time to move on to the groond which we were telt was next to a Sainsbury's Superstore and we knew that we were getting' warm as we past a tree with a Sainsbury's plastic bag stuck on one of it's branches blowin' in the breeze,
As the groond was on 'Dog Kennel Hill' (would you believe?) aa started listenin' for the soond of dogs barkin', but to no avail!—as there was anly the noise of traffic heedin' for the superstore's car park!

The Sainsbury's store then appeared in the distance alang with the floodlights of the groond and to get there we had to bizarrely walk through a CAR WASH to reach the tornstiles behind one of the goals! (It should be noted that the car wash was deserted and switched off at the time!)
Once inside after payin' wor fower quid admission fee we made for the clubhouse which was at the back of the main stand with an uninterrupted view of the pitch from it's windows.


Inside, the bar area was a fair size runnin' the length of the pitch and there were a few other London based fans there alang with another half dozen or so saddos who had travelled doon from the north east includin' Byzy's mate Glennn, 'The Bear' and 'Vince'. We were aalso 'honoured' to be in the presence of 'the one and only' 'Colonel Gaddafi' ----NOT! the one from Tripoli in Libya, but the one from Bracknell in Berkshire, who strikes a canny resemblance to the Libyan leader and is 'affectionately' knaan simply as 'The Colonel' to aall Toon fans who naa him.


However!---'The Colonel' decided that as it was tooo caad to gan ootside and that he was gannih watch the match from the warmth of the clubhouse instead, whilst partaking in a few 'liquid refreshments' (Soft B*****d!)
I pointed oot to him that under the terms of 'The Geordie Convention' that if he watched the whole match from INSIDE the bar area that he COULDN'T include it in his 'groundhoppin' records unless he actually went onto the terraces at some point durin' the match (Rule 37b!)


I have to tell you that he just shrugged his shoulders in a 'couldn't care- a-less' attitude and gulped his 'lubrication' doon his 'Gregory Peck'
(Now where did aa put mee 'little black book'?)

'Gaddafi of Bracknell'


Part Three:
"FAR FROM THE MADD-ENING CROWD!"


Aa like these games for one simple reason---yi not crammed in like sardines with 50,000 others at a Premier League game and there were aroond aboot 700 or so present as the game kicked off, mostly in the main stand seats. (ne doubt that this was 'Hamlets' biggest crowd of the season by a lang way!)
The windows of the blocks of flats on 'Dog Kennel Hill' behind the right hand side goal lit up the night sky, but it's occupants would have been too far away to see any of the action (unless they had binoculars!)
To say that the Dulwich team were big lads would be the understatement of the year (six days in!) as it looked like they must have been drinkin' Irn Bru and eatin' spinach for their pre match meal!. They were much bigger than the Toons' youngins' and they started off strongly by makin' an orly breakthrough in the 9^th minute when a defensive mix up left the goal empty and one of their forwards gleefully placed the baall into the unguarded net. Just 5 mins later though we were back on equal torms when Marcus Maddison fired home at 'The Car Wash End' and we went in 'aall square' at the break .


Aa heeded back to the bar where 'The Colonel' was sittin' at the coonter lookin' a bit 'comatosed' and with anly two 'flustered' barmaids to sorve us it took quite a while to get mee 'gargel'. They obviously weren't prepared for a crowd of this magnitude as the Geordie hordes demanded their 'half time fix'!


And now av got a confession to make!---as aa heeded back to the touchline for the start of the second half aa was asked by 'The Caped Crusader' if a'd seen wor 2^nd goal?. I had to admit that I HADN'T as I was waalkin' doon the stairs at the time and he imformed me that Ryan McGorrigan had fired a shot in from close range at!---(wait for it!)—'The Dog Kennel End!' (it HAD to be!) ("woof!-woof!")


Further goals from Maddison in the 51^st and 64^th minute completed his hat trick as the part timers from 'Hamlet' tired as the game progressed, with lack of fitness a key factor in their collapse (they must'iv ran oot of spinach!?)
Maddison added a 4^th for himself and 5^th for The Toon late into the game with the home side replyin' through De Frietas with a fine lob ower Alnwick in the Newcastle goal. However Aaron Spear completed the rout for us when he fired in a low shot from the edge of the box for wor sixth and final goal at 'The Dog Kennel End'


Not bad!—a'd actually seen SEVEN of the eight goals scored and we hurried off as the final whistle blew to catch the train back to central London and as we made wor way back through the car wash the tannoy annooncer informed us that the crowd was 439!?—a much lower number than was actually there??? (gate f***le or wot???)
Anyway!---to cut a lang story 'lang', we eventually got back to Tyneside at 'two bells' in the mornin'---another groond ticked off the 'list'!




©Fink™(the mad-sad gr☺undh☺pper!)



Geordie Glossary of Terms
(for the benefit of  'non-Geordie' readers)

seven bells=seven o clock (etc) 
liquid lubrication location=a pub!
wor=our      naa=know     aan=own     nee=no  
telt=told     gargels=beers     fower=four
caad=cold     gannih=going to    
liquid refreshment=beer     lubrication=beer
gregory peck=neck

215 killingworth young persons centre ( walker central)

(GROUND NUMBER 215)
Date of First Visit: 10th AUGUST 2002
KILLINGWORTH YOUNG PERSONS CENTRE, KILLINGWORTH, NEWCASTLE


NEWCASTLE UNITED U17's 3 (Howe, Smillie, Stoker)
WALKER CENTRAL U18's 2


FRIENDLY FIXTURE
ATTENDANCE: 55 (Estimated)(Includin' 2 'Dyno-Rod' gadgies cleanin' the drains!)




Game One:
"YOU MAKE MORE NOISE THAN US!---DYNO-ROD!---DYNO-ROD!"

"Lets make some NOISE!"


The usual 'saddos' who gan to these games were here---'Biffa' from the pirate website, Dave from York, 'The Mad Professor , Mark from Morpeth, 'Byzy' from 'Pit Yakka Land (Ashington!) and of course 'The Caped Crusader' in his new suit.
(The aad one got ruined in the rain in a pre season friendly in Holland!---but that's another story!)
( groond 213!) But stangely there was nee sign of Glennn from Ashington, the epic 'feet on the groond' Toon Traveller!?.(ie: flyin' iz NOT his fave pastime!)
(Perhaps he'd aalready set off on his bus trip tih Bosnia on the followin' Wednesday??) (where the forst team were playin' next!)




The game kicked off at 11:58 bells (two minutes orly!) and the Toon kicked towards the reet hand goal for the forst 'half', or so wih thought! (read on!)
The forst qwaata of an hour was'nt much cop and the most interestin' part of this period was the sight of two gadgies from 'Dyno-Rod' cleanin' oot a blocked drain next tih the changin' rooms!.




However!---ten minutes later the game livened up when Walker scored the openin' goal with a well drilled shot, and a CRASHENDO OF NOISE enveloped the groond---(ER!---NOT! from the Walker diehards in the 53 strong crowd I may add, but from the drain cleanin' machine! which was mekin' a strange loud 'gurglin' soond in the backgroond!




Three minutes after this the ref inexplicably blew up for half time, but az there'd anly been half an hours play up till then wih thought that his Timex must have been gannin' fast!---OR!--(more than likely!) he wanted a quick finish so that he could have a few gargels doon his local booza!?
The surprize orly whistle seemed tih wake the Toons kids up and three minutes after the restart they levelled the score when Howe sloted the baall yem with a fine effort tih light applause from the 'crowd' (The Dyno-Rod gadgies had f***** off by this time!)
This provoked a furious response from the Walker Central coach who struck a canny likeness to that 'Mag' fanzine hero, 'Walker Dan', ie: he was fat and ugly and had more chins than a Chinese telephone directory!. (If it's any consolation mate--so do I!---so do I!)
Sometime later Smillie put the smile on wor faces when he put the Toon 2-1 up after 57 minutes and
it should be noted that 'Walker Dan' had an 'upside doon' smile on HIS moniker by this time!




There was ne programme or team sheets for this game, but wi'd got most of the outfield players names but NOT the goalie's and when one of the subs waalked past us to start his 'warm up','The Mad Professor' asked him what the keeper was caalled.
"DIVVINT NAA!", came the reply from 'super-sub' az he limbered up on the touchline!.(aa meeen!—if one of the keeper's team mates didn't naa what he was caalled then what F***** chance did we have of findin' oot!?) (By the way!---we didn't naa what 'super-sub's name was eetha and forgot to ask him!?!?) (but!---(we assumed) that HE probably knew his OWN name though?) <hopefully!




Three minutes after this the ref blew for full time and we prepered tih gan yem---but NO!---the teams torned aroond again and we kicked off for a THIRD period of the game?.
'The Mad Professor' commented, "IT'S THE FORST HALF OF THE THIRD THIRD!". (What he meant was- that he thought it was fifteen minutes each way for the third period!?)
'The Caped Crusader'' then butted in, "THE THIRD HALF SHOULD BE TWO QWAATAS!"
By this time ah was f***** totally and utterly confused!, but sure enough the ref blew after fifteen minutes and they changed roond again!!---(HELP!)




A Walker equaliser in the 4th half after 83 mins put the smile back the reet way on 'Dans' face, but this was premature az Stoker heeded the Toon back in front a minute later!.
Six minutes later the ref blew for the end of the match (and YES! it was full time THIS time!) and we aall went away happy (apart from yee naa who!)-----and just for the record---




the forst half score was 1-0 tih Walker---
the second third was 1-0 tih the Toon---
the third qwaata was goaless
and the forth third was 1-1
and Newcastle won 3-2!.
(MEE FINKS!?)
The crowd totals were az follows:
Far-side 6,
Wor-side 44,
reet hand goal 3,
left hand goal 0,
PLUS! the 2 Dyno-Rod gadgies! (WHO! could forget THEM!?)
-----givin' a grand total attendance of 55! totally confused spectators!.




Game Two:
"AH NEED SOME LIQUID REFRESHMENT!---QUICK!"




And so!, afta droppin' Dave from York off at the 'Central' tih catch his train yem, (to 'YORK' would you believe?) it was a mad dash tih park mee van up before ah heeded to another match and gan on the drink !
Ah decided tih tek in Dunston Fed's friendly aginst Workington Reds at Federation Park and arrived in the clubhoose at 2:20 bells!.




"THREE HALF'S JOHN!---IN THE SAME GLASS!"
Ah said tih the bemused committee man behind the bar!
"AH THINK YEEV HAD TOO MUCH BROON ALE BONNY LAD!", came the reply az he stared intih mee 'mincers'!.
Ah thought aboot explainin' to him aboot the game at 'Killy'---BUT!---ah had second thoughts! when ah thought aboot it?
"ER!"---JUST GIZ A BOTTLE OF 'HIGH LEVEL BITTER' INSTEAD, JOHN!"




"DIH YIH WANT A PINT GLASS OR A HALF GLASS WITH THAT!?"




"AARRRR!" "RIP!-RIP!" (the soond of me tearin' mee hair oot!)




For the record, Dunston won 4-1 and they anly played TWO HALF'S!?
(VERY STRANGE!?)








©Fink™(the mad-sad gr☺undh☺pper!)

110 stadio san nicola bari italy

(GROUND NUMBER 110)
Date of First Visit: 8th DECEMBER 1992
STADIO SAN NICOLA, BARI, ITALY


A.S. BARI  3
NEWCASTLE UNITED  0


ANGLO-ITALIAN CUP
ATTENDANCE 1,229 (200 (or so) Toon fans)


"THE MARTIANS HAVE LANDED!"

"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!!!"

(Day One)
"ICE CREAM PARLOURS RULE O.K!"


Followin' on from wor 'Blue Ridge Moontain' trip tih Lucchese fower weeks orlier in the same competition, again the fans flew with the players, but this time we were booked intih a different hotel tih them? (ah wonder why?) (see groond 109!)
Bari iz in southern Italy and iz situated on the 'heel of the boot' (see a map of Italy!) and their new stadium was built on the site of a shrine tih 'St. Nicholas' (hence the groonds name) on the ootskirts of the city, for the 1990 World Cup.


This time we were kept well oot the way of the official party who had the front of the plane tih themsels and the curtains were draan so we could'nt catch a glimpse of wor heroes!.
Again it cost us the 'tidy' sum of £350 (quite a bit in 1992) for the priverlidge of travellin' with the team but it was worth it just for the experience!


On arrival at Bari airport we were put on seperate coaches and travelled in different directions az wih 'hit' the road for wor respective hotels. (Once bitten twice shy?)
This time there could be nee excuses from the players for not gettin' a good neets kip, especially as the kidda who had caused aall the mayhem in the corridors of wor hotel in Luccese (ie Baaldy Bonce) wasn't on this trip (again---see groond 109!)


In complete contrast to wor 'quiet moontain retreat' in Lucchese this hotel was bang in the middle of the city centre with car horns beepin' and general traffic noise from the mad Italian drivers!
The gadgie behind the reception desk was 'the spit' of Manuel off 'Fawlty Towers', but!---it couldn't have been him of course as this one was of the Italian variety and not Spanish! (and not! as daft---I may add!)
Italians are not big drinkers and this was reflected in the sparse number of places that yi could get a 'gargel' in Bari city centre, which is aboot the same size as 'The Toon'
Ice cream parlours are very popular ower there and a few of them selt beers and lagers as well as the 'Mr Whippy' specials that were the locals favourites--- SO!--- that's where we had to heed for!


Some of the parlours just had bottled lagers but there were a few with beer pumps stuck next to the ice cream taps. A romantic neet oot here is to tek your lass for a 'Ninety Nine special' complete with flakes, wafers and aall the strawberry add ons! And it was a weird 'culture shock' to say the least to see them holdin' hands as they sucked on their 'icy delights' as we supped wor own 'icy delights'---namely! ice caad lagers!


After we'd done 'The Parlour Craall' it was back to the hotel for a few 'night-caps' in the ('ice cream free'!) bar before retirin' to wor rooms for a good neets shut eye! (let's hope the players are deein' the same?—aa thought!) "ZZZZzzzz!!!!"




(Day Two)
"THE FLYIN' SAUCER STADIUM!"

The second day was of course 'match day' and after continental 'brekkies' and a few 'ice creams' in the local parlours (not!) it was time to heed for the busses to tek wih to the match. Aa was really lookin' forward to gannin' here as it was a 'state of the art' 60,000 seater stadium which just two years before had hosted England in 'Italia 90' where they lost 2-1 to Italy in the thord place play off in a near capacity crowd.


Like aa say, the groond was a 'canny hike', some six miles away on the ootskirts of Bari and after half an hours drive! in heavy 'horn "beeeeeepin" traffic alang the ooter ring road, we spotted the stadium in the distance and it was an impressive sight---aa can tell yiz! It looked like a huge flyin' saucer from outer space and as we got nearer aa couldn't help wonderin' if a Martian with a ray gun would suddenly appear from a concealed doorway and demand to be taken to wor leader! (these ice cream parlours de have a funny effect on yi brain cells!)


It was built in the middle of newhere with scrubland as a backdrop and like Lucchese the place was deserted as we disembarked from the coaches. However!--- as we surveyed the suroondings we spotted, not a Martian, but some 'Bari Ultras' who were waitin' for the stadium doors to open.


A quick 'chinwag' in broken Italian ("are yi aall reet lads!") broke the ice and aa managed ti swop a Toon badge for a Bari equivalent as aa collected badges at the time.


Like aa say there was nowt there apart from the groond and some scrubland (ne 'ice cream parlours'---NOTHIN'!) so when the gates opened 'in we went' to the bowels of 'the Saucer'


The stadium was a huge bowl with green seats in the lower tier and yellow seats in the upper tier (very strange as Bari play in red and white?) and looked much larger than it's 60,000 capacity
(There aad groond--- incidetleee!---was in the city centre and was used (believe it or not!? >) as a refugee camp for *20,000 Albanians in 1991!) and they anly moved to 'The Flyin' Saucer' in 1990 after the World Cup) (*now that's anotha piece of 'useless information' yi naa now!?)


Again, like Lucchese there were aboot 200 Toon fans who had made the trip and we were situated in the main stand, 'The Ultras' had aboot the same number in 'The Curva Nord' (that's 'The North Stand' by the way!) and are known as 'The Galletti' (Roosters) and they were tryin' their best to mek a racket (with oot much success as the groond was nearly empty!) To wor reet there were some gaps in the upper tier where seats had been ripped oot by rival Roma fans in a previous match (so we were telt) and there were aboot 100 fans dotted aboot the huge 'Curva Sud' (Sooth Corve!)
Opposite the main stand a few hundred others in the centre section made up the 'crowd' on wot looked like 1,000 or so! (That's 59,000 empty seats by my reckonin'!) (The Italians reely took this tournament to their hearts---didn't they!)


We obviously didn't tek the tournament 'to heart' eetha as we put in a dreadful performance and were one-nil doon afta anly 5 minutes when Cappocchiano slotted home. He added a 2^nd on the half hour mark to give the 'Roosters' a two-nil lead at the interval with fire crakers bein' set of by The Ultras which echoed around the 'empty' stadium.
We played a little bit better in the second period but with just 2 minutes left a Tovalieri goal put the game beyond doubt to give us a three goal drubbin' and at the end 'The Toon' players looked 'oot on their feet'! (perhaps wor players didn't get any sleep after aall, like in Lucchese?) (But they couldn't blame 'Baaldy Bonce' this time!------could they?)






(Day Three)
"THE MESSIAH SPEAKS!"


It was 'yem time' on wor thord day and we were reunited with players and Keegan 'The Messiah' at Bari Airport where we had to wait for a delayed flight back to 'Toon Airport. 'The Messiah' to his credit came ower and taalked to us for nearly half an hour, mentionin' that 'certain players' who had played would not be in his future plans! (as they signed autographs!)
He would have talked to us for langer but 'the press' wanted some quotes from him and his partin' comment to us was that, "this was the bit he didn't like!" ( ie: taalkin' to the jawnalists, especially after a 3-0 defeat!)


To sum up---it was a fantastic experience to travel with the team again----but NOT! such a fantastic result!




©Fink™ (the mad-sad gr☺undh☺pper!)

109 porta elisa lucchese italy

(GROUND NUMBER 109)
Date of First Visit: 11th NOVEMBER 1992
PORTA ELISA, LUCCA, ITALY


A.S. LUCCHESE LIBERTAS 1
NEWCASTLE UNITED 1 (Benny Kristensen)


ANGLO-ITALIAN CUP
ATTENDANCE: 744 (200 Toon fans)


"IN THE BLUE RIDGE MOUNTAINS OF LOO-CHEESE-EEE!"

"ON THE TRAIL OF THE LONESOME PINT!"


A unique opportunity tih travel with the players and 'King Kev' on the same plane AND stop in the same hotel, waz an offer any true 'black 'n' white' just couldn't torn doon---could they?
For this iz what the club had organised for wor forst 'sonte' intih Europe for fifteen years!
It waz an offer that AH could'nt torn doon anyway, alang with two hundred other diehards and at ower £300 a piece (remember this waz 1992!) it waz a very expensive offer aall the same!


The arrangement on the plane was that the players and officials sat at the front of the plane and us 'plebs' sat at the back, oot the way!


Lucchesse (pronoonced 'Loo-cheese-eee' to aall yeez ignoramanissseess who cannit speak 'propa Italian' like me!) is 'just a few miles doon the road' from the 'leanin tower city' (ie: Pisa) in the town of Lucca




"TEN! QUID A PINT!?"


Once off the plane it was onto (separate) busses for the jorney to the hotel which we were telt was in the Tuscan mountains.. The busses torned off the main road near Lucca and started gannin up and up this windin' road past some old women herdin' donkeys with heavy bales of tree branches on their backs up a steep track. (are we in the 'thord world' or wot? ---Aa thought!?)
We just went up!---and up!---and UP! and we must have been a canny few thousand feet up when a luxury hotel suddenly appeared between some pine trees in the distance and in the middle of 'ne where'


The mountainside hotel we were stoppin' in was aalso a trainin' base for Italian clubs like AC Milan, Juventus and Roma and had a full size trainin' pitch next to the hotel so it was the 'bees knees' as far as we were concerned!


Aa had a huge room to meesel with a massive double bed and a fridge that was like 'Aladdins cave' as it was stocked to the hilt with bottles of lager and beer. "It must be on the house!?", aa thought as aa grabbed the nearby bottle opener and quickly opened the forst ice caad 'liquid lubrication' and poured it doon mee 'john o groat'!
After a few more bottles of 'lubrication' it was time to meet up with the rest of the party in the hotel bar where 'Grumpy Stumpy' was orderin' the forst roond (brilliant timin'!)
The money in them days was Italian Lira which was like 'monopoly money' and we couldn't work oot how much the forst roond had cost, but it wasn't cheap!
'The Caped Crusader' got the second roond in when some clever shite worked it oot that we were payin' the equivalent of TEN QUID A PINT! (aboot TWENTY QUID! in todays money with inflation!)


It was my torn next and as there were seven of us in the roond aa realised that aa didn't even have enough 'bit' to buy ONE! roond! ("Help!---aa can feel a 'heart attack' comin' on!")
Douglas Hall, wor Millonaire chairmans son was in the bar and when he hord wor predicament he bought the next roond for the whole bar ("cheers Doug!") but it didn't alter the fact the we 'paupers'simply couldn't afford to buy anymore drinks there.
Ti mek matters worse the nearest village (which looked 'shut' when we passed through it!) was aboot three miles away doon the bottom of the moontain! (ie: a non starter!)


A frantic discussion then ensued between the hotel manager and wor guides and it was agreed to open a wooden 'log style' cabin 'come bar' which was situated forther doon from the hotel, hidden by some pine trees, which was apparently closed for that time of year, but doubled up as a bar in the summer season.


An hour later it was open and at a mere THREE QUID a pint! aa could just aboot afford to get mee roond in now! ("horray!")
Harry Palmer was there with his guitar (remember him!?) alang with a TV crew from 'Tyne Tees' who had travelled to film wor 'historic retorn' to European competition and Harry gave us a rendition of such 'classics???' as---'Slap your mother with a Christmas tree!' and!--- 'Oh when the beans come oot the tin!' (enough to drive ANYBODY to drink!)


HELP!---aa can feel a 'Laurel and Hardy' 'moment' comin' on!

♫"On a mountain in Italia!—stands a lonesome pine!"♫
♪♫And next to it stands a 'boozer'---lets open it, it's drinkin' time!♫
Chorus:
♫"In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Loo-cheese-ee!♪
♫"On the trail of the lonesome pint!"♪♫♪


Anyway!—we kept as far away from 'yee naa who' as possible and got totally 'rat-arsed' on the strong lager that was on offer before staggerin' through the pine trees back to the hotel for some much needed 'beauty sleep'?


As aa waalked alang the corridor to mee room aa hord singin' in the distance and aall of a sudden a very drunken Toon fan came runnin' past shoutin' and baallin' at the top of his voice. He was baaldy and had 'NUFC' written in black felt tipped pen on the top of his heed as he ran past like 'a demented fairy'! wavin' his arms and jumpin' periodically.


Then!---a door suddenly opened and lo and behold 'King'Kevin Keegan appeared dressed in a full length dressin' goon and a pair of rather snazzy carpet slippers He asked me what aall the noise was aall aboot as he rubbed the sleep from his 'mincers' (the 'King' had actually spoken to ME!)
For a second aa was dumbstruck, but when a'd gathered mee composure aa telt him what was gannin' on and aall of a sudden the kidda reappeared and went he saw Keegan he got doon on his hands and knees, bowin'in homage and started kissin' his carpet slippers! as we both looked on in amazement!---it was SUREAL!
He then got up and ran off doon the corridor singin' Keegan's praises before disappearin' into the distance!. Keegan muttered sommik aboot the players not bein' able to get to kip because of aall the noise ,before gannin' back to his room and slammin' the door shut! (he was NOT a 'happy bunny'!)


To 'celebrate' meetin' the great man aa dashed back to my room and 'polished off' the rest of the 'free' lager before 'hittin' the pillow' meesel! ('vino callapso style')-------------------"ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!!!!!!!"




Part Two (Day Two) "TEKIN' THE P***!"


It was match day and to start the day off it was off for continental brekkies in the alacarte restaurant before boardin' the coach to Lucca for a bit of 'sight seein' (ie: find as many boozers as possible!)
Aa telt 'Grumpy Stumpy' that a'd 'polised off' aall the 'free' lager in mee fridge and he just looked at me in amazement before blurtin' oot------"Yi daft b*****d! yiv got to PAY FOR IT!---it's NOT FREE!, there's a price list on top of the fridge to tell you how much it iz!"


A feelin' of 'dread' suddenly came ower me and aa dashed back to mee room to see what the 'damage was'! and usin' me vast knowledge of the Italian language (again!) aa worked oot that by readin' the English translation that it was!-----FIVE QUID A BOTTLE! after convertin' the Italian Lira price list into poonds!
As a'd downed TEN bottles of the stuff that came to FIFTY SMACKEROOS aall told!
Aa was shakin' like a leaf as emptied mee wallet onto the bed but aall aa had left was the equivalent of TWENTY FIVE QUID in Lira!--------"PANIC STATIONS!"


Luckily the chambermaid hadn't cleaned mee room yet, so aa took the bottles oot the waste bin, filled them with waata from the bathroom and then searched frantically for the bottle tops which were lyin' aall ower the place and banged them back onto the bottles before puttin' them (neatly!) back into the fridge.
Anotha piece of good fortune was that the bottles were green and therefore yi couldn't see the colour of the liquid inside!-------PHEW!---a'd gettin' away with it---but anly just!


Aa telt 'Grumpy Stumpy' what a'd done and before yi knew it---EVERYBODY knew!
A loyal white haired Toon fan of pensionable age caalled 'Vi' who taalked with a posh accent was aalso on the trip and had hord aall aboot it as well (but she didn't naa that it was me who had done it!)
She pulled me to one side and said in a very frosty voice: "Do yoo know whot thay've been doooing 'Fink'---they've been drinking the beer out on the refrigerator, filling the bottles back up with water and pooting the tops back on and pooting them back into the refrigerator so they downt have to pay for it!"


Aa just looked at hor 'straight in the eye', shuck mee heed and replied: "YI CANNIT TEK THEM NEWHERE 'VI'!" , and waalked away towards the coach which was to tek us to the match tryin' not to look guilty!


Vicious rumours then started on the bus jorney to the match that I in fact had NOT filled the bottles with tap waata, but had filled it up up with some other waam 'body fluid' instead!---a rumour that I categorically deny to this day! (did they think that aa was tekin' the P***! ---or what???)


"AN 'NAPPLE A 'NORANGE AND A NARNA!"


It was time to heed for Lucca and so we set off on the windy road back doon the mountain to 'civilisation' below. They'd given us a 'packed lunch' to keep us gannin' on the bus jorney which consisted of!---an 'napple a 'norange and a 'narna? , as well as a huge crusty'doorstop' cheese sarny which was aboot an inch thick with a slab of cheese hoyed into the middle! (where's mee hammer and chisel?)






"ARE WE AT THE REET GROOND?"


We arrived ootside the groond with two hours tih spare and everythin' waz locked up and shuttered and not a soul in sight! This resulted in 'The Caped Crusader' havin' a panic attack as it suddenly dawned on us that the floodlights we could see could'iv just as easily been a rugby groond or sommik and that we were in fact at the wrang groond as there was ne signage on the main stand to say who played there anyway!?


After a discussion with the barman at the 'pub'? ower the road from the groond which aalso 'doubled up as a greengrocers! he confirmed in very broken English that we WERE in fact at the reet place. There was nowt else open so we sat and drank the local beer that was on offer as an aad wifey purchased a bag of taaties and a cauliflower ! (or was it a 'cabbage'?----mee momory's failed iz this time!)


Anyway!---aboot half an hour before kick off some gadgie torned up at the groond and opened the gates (horray!) so we 'made tracks' for the tornstiles as the streets remained deserted apart from the Toon fans waitin' to get in.
There was a bar underneath the smaall main stand so we heeded there but on lookin' oot at the rest of the groond there was hardly anybody inside


'John the Chap' then torned up literally with seconds to spare before the kick off. 'The Chap' you see had hitched hiked it from Washington Sorvices on the 'A1M' three days orlier and he arrived totally shattered and dishevelled and ready for a drink or ten!. He telt me that he thought that Italy was just ower the English Channel near France and didn't realise that it was another thoosand miles or so further on!
(ie:His geography is'nt very good---IZ IT?-----(he DOES! come from Birtley after aall!)
And what did he de?---he went for a drink in the bar and MISSED the kick off!


The groond was virtually deserted apart from us and a few 'Lucchese Ultras' behind the left hand goal in an open 'golf style stand'. The anly other people present were a couple of hundred in the far stand from us and aboot a dozen or so behind the right hand goal! It was defiantly the lowest crowd a'v ever seen at a Toon forst team fixture (later confirmed at 744!)


Aaltogether , includin' 'John The Chap', there were aboot 200 Toon Travellers who had made the trip tih Tuscany which (as we now naa!) was ower one qwaata of the total attendance!


The home side opened the scorin' midway through the forst half when Rosso netted at 'The Golf Stand End'
Benny Kristensen equalised with 20 mins tih gan with a fine effort, cancellin' oot Rosso's effort in the forst half.
Just afta this Micky 'Fat Boy' Quinn came on az a substitute and little did we realise it at the time but this would be hiz last ever appearance for the Toon.


Just before the end the 100 or so 'Lucchese Ultras' started battlin' with the Carabinieri (that's the Italian 'Dibble', you ignorant b******s!) and a full scale riot took place in the home end as we looked on in amazement from the main stand!


After the match they were still battlin' with 'The Dibble' and 'The Messiah' (Keegan), who was comin' oot of the dressin' rooms asked us what the hell was gannin on as the players made for the team bus
(it was unbelievable that 100 teenage/twenty somethings could cause such mayhem! )


'John The Chap' was then offered a free flight yem by generous club officials to save him hitch hikin' back---an offer he couldn't refuse!


It was then back to wor 'moontain retreat' for some more 'cheap beer?' before retirin' to wor rooms for the neet ------"ZZZZZZzzzzzz!!!!!!" (the fridge door stayed firmly shut this time!)




Day Three "THE STRAIGHT TOWER OF PISA!"

A 'Stumpy' 'eye view' afta 20 pints!

On the final day of wor trip we heeded back to the airport and az we approached the city of 'Pisa' the Italian guide on the bus excitedly telt wih ower the microphone that wi'd soon be passin' 'The Leanin' Tower of Pisa'! and tih look oot the reet hand side windows tih catch sight of this 'Tuscan Tourist Trap'.
"THERE EET EEZ!", she announced, nearly wettin' hor knickers in the process!, az shih pointed towards this lop-sided oddysy in the distance!.
A look of indifference went roond the bus az wih passed by, just as some some Japanese tourists were tekin' THAT! picture of friends and family, with their 'zoom lenses' in THAT! most famous:
"I SAVED THE TOWER FROM FAALLIN' DOON!", pose, az they held their hands oot tih stop it topplin' ower!.
'Grumpy Stumpy' made an interestin' comment, statin' that the 'tower' was in fact STRAIGHT! from where he was sittin' ? (but he HAD, had a canny 'session' the previous evenin', after aall!)


Personally, a'd much rather have seen Pisa's FUTBAALL GROOND instead, (even though it was probably az bad az Luccheese's!) and within thorty seconds we were passed it and on wor way tih the airport!.
Wih nevva did see the 'said' groond (and probably nevva will!) and the flight yem was uneventful at forst apart from some 'sour pusses' complainin' that 'John the Chap' should'nt' iv been allowed a free trip yem az they'd paid!. (Even though there were plenty of empty seats on the plane!)


Then some of the---shall we say---'more alcohol enduesed element' (includin' 'baaldy bonce'!) decided to have an impromptu 'sing song' on the plane as the players slept peacefully in front (whey!---they tried tih get some 'shut-eye', anyway!)


Aaltogether now!


♫♪"IN THE BLUE RIDGE MOUN-----!"♫♪




©Fink™ (the mad-sad gr☺undh☺pper!)

078 ferens park durham

(GROUND NUMBER 78)
Date of First Visit: 15th AUGUST 1986
FERENS PARK, DURHAM


DURHAM CITY 0
NEWCASTLE UNITED 8 (Allon (2), Davies, Bogie, McDonald (pen), Anderson, Whitehurst, McCreery)


FRIENDLY FIXTURE
ATTENDANCE 1,000 (700 Toon fans)
(Kick Off 6:30pm!)(NOT! 7:30!)




"♫A'M GONNA LEAVE OLD DURHAM TOWN!♪"

"Is there anybody there!?"

Whatever yi de----Aalways!---aalways!---aalways!---double check what time the kick off is when yih gan to a f*****' friendly match tih watch the Toon!.
That's exactly what wih DIDN'T DE! on this trip tih Durham's old Ferens Park groond.
The 'Ronny Gill' had published the kick off time as 'seven thirty bells' the neet before so we made plans to arrive there at the dezzignated time
After a few 'liquid refreshments' in 'The Spit and Vomit' opposite 'The Central' (er!---that's! 'The Vic and Comet' by the way!) wih caught the '6 'o' clock bells' train tih Durham and arrived at aboot 6:20 bells, in plenty of time for the kick off.


The groond wasn't far from the city centre--so! (az yih de!) wih had a couple of more 'gargels' on the way in the cathedral area . By the time we arrived at the groond which was reet next tih the river *wear and the ice rink where the famous Durham Wasps ici hockey team played, we could see that the approaches to the groond were deserted, which was very strange, considerin' a 'healthy' attendance was forecast as 'The Toon' were sendin' a strong team for this friendly fixture
(* Folk singer Roger Whittaker once did a crap song many moons ago caalled: 'I'm Gonna Leave old Durham Town'. One of the verses went like this: "♫Standing on the banks of the river TYNE—watching all the ships going down the line!♪"------DEFINATLEEE 'NOT!'-Roger!) (total C**P!--mate!)

It was 'seven bells' by this time and we could hear people shoutin' inside, az though there was a match gannin on aalready?.
But!--it COULDN'T possibly have started aallready?---could it??. (the deserted streets gave me a little clue!)


Az soon az wih got ootside the groond mee worst fears were realized as aa could see a baall bein' hoofed into the air as aa peared through the open tornstile, desperately fumblin' in mee 'sky rocket' for the dosh to get in. The match WAS definateleee in full flow, so ah asked the gadgy operatin' the tornstile if the game had just kicked off.
"NO!--NO!", came the reply az he looked at his watch. "It kicked off half an hour ago!". (ah meen---they could'iv waited till wih got there!—like!)


"What's the score pal?", ah asked him nervously, hopin' that ah had'nt missed owt.
"It's three nil to Newcastle!", came the reply.
SH**!---aa could'nt believe it---apparently the game kick off orly so they wouldn't have tih put the floodlights on---BUT NEEBODY TELT US!. (F*****' tight BAS*****!)


However!---ah DID see the next goal scored just before the break by Ian 'Bogie Man' Bogie, BUT missed the next one after the restart az a was taalkin' tih somebody!.
A converted penalty by Neil McDonald made it 6-0 (ah managed tih see THAT ONE iz well!)--but!--(yee've guessed it!) ah missed the next one coz mee 'mincers' were distracted by a sumptuous young blonde lassie in a mini-skort and leather boots who was waalkin' past!.


There were nee 'distractions' however for the eighth and final goal with Davy McCreery (ah think?) slottin' the baall home tih complete the rout. (Shi'd gone by then!) (unfortunatleee!)


After the match we heeded for the many 'drinkin' dens' next to 'that river' for a  canny few more 'liquid lubrications' to celebrate wor huge win, before catchin' the last train yem! (we DID have plenty of drinkin' time left, after aall!, as (of course!) the match
had finished orly at qwaata past eight!)


Er!"— "aa can feel a song comin' on!"


♫"A'm gonna leave old Durham Town---a'm gonna leave old Durham Town♪!"
♪"Standin' on the banks of the river wear---drinkin' aall the pubs dry of their beer!♫"

"ROGER AND OUT!"

SUMMARY:
Oot of the eight goals scored by the Toon a'd actually saw THREE of them!.


MEMO:
MUST! remember tih double check the kick off times in the future!.


FOOTNOTE:
Ferens Park has long since been demolished and the site is nuw a posh hoosin' estate of the same name




©Fink™ (the mad-sad groundhopper!)

045 the den millwall

(GROUND NUMBER 45)
Date of First Visit: 19th AUGUST 1978
THE DEN, NEW CROSS, LONDON

MILLWALL 2
NEWCASTLE UNITED 1 (David Barton)

(OLD) DIVISION TWO
ATTENDANCE: 12,105 (2,000 Toon fans) (plus 3 daft c***s in the Millwaall end!)




"WHERE'S JACK THE RIPPER?"

Somewhere doon 'Cold Blow Lane'!

This was Newcastle's forst game back in the aad Second Division since 1965 after relegation from the top flight in May, and a more intimidatin' place tih gan for wor return tih 'the abyss' is hard to imagine!.
 
Both Millwaall and the Toon had hard core hooligans (Millwaall still dee of course!) and the reputation of both sets of fans was notorious tih say the least!. Aall the taalk at the time was aboot what would happen when the rival fans met. The Toon fans had aalready caused mayhem in the Berwick Rangers 'friendly'? the week before (a trial run perhaps?) and the Millwaall radgies notoriety spoke for itself.

The Newcastle fans were really 'up for it', as the Friday midneet train tih Kings Cross departed from the 'Central', and one fan full of drink, who was shootin' his mouth off, made it clear just what he was gannih dee tih 'The 'F' Troop' and 'Harry The Dog' in particular (One of the Millwaall gangs and their leader!) .

By the time wi'd reached 'The Smoke', he'd just aboot sobered up, after sleepin' aall the way doon, but had completely changed his tune by nuw, when the realisation of what he was lettin' himself in for, finally dawned on him, and he was shakin' like a leaf! as the train pulled into Kings Cross. (This was at five in the mornin'!)

By midday he'd completely lost his bottle!, and decided not tih gan tih the match after aall, and telt everybody that 'as it was a hot sunny day', he was gannin 'on the drink' instead!.

Aboot an hour later, a dozen more fans decided it was safer tih get a 'sun tan' in Piccadilly than a 'tannin' in New Cross, (where Millwaall play) and said that THEY were'nt gannin' tih the match either!.

Ah could'nt believe it!, ah mean, what's the f*****' point of gannin aal the way tih London and not gan tih the match!?. ("bloody 'yellow bellied 'turncoats'"!)

This left meesel, Geoff from Nottingham and another fan, (who's name ah can't remember) tih mek wih own way tih The Den!. Wih did'nt have a clue how tih get there, so wih flagged a 'black cab' doon and telt the driver where we were gannin.
As soon as wih mentioned the 'M' word, he was off like a shot!. After several more fruitless attempts at gettin' a taxi tih gan there, ah asked a cabbie the 'deadly question'!: "Why the hell will neebody tek us
tih Millwaall"?.

He just looked at iz in amazement (as though he'd been asked tih gan tih Beirut!) and said in a thick Cockney accent, MILLWAWLL!?---yoo've gotta be jowkin' mayte!--- aa dawnt want ma f******mawtaah wrecked!"
(Translation: "MILLWALL!? ---you've got to be joking mate!, I don't want my f****** motor wrecked!")

Time was gettin' on, and there was nowt else for it but tih try and find wor way on the tube. Tih cut a lang story short, wih got completely lost!, and did'nt get tih New Cross Gate tube station 'til qwaata past three!, it was panic stations by nuw as wi'd aalready missed the kick off, so wih quickly asked the way tih the groond, and were pointed in the direction of some old railway bridges and a couple of 'Steptoe & Son' style scrapyards!.
The place looked a 'bit dodgy' tih say the least, as wih hurried alang the *labyrinth of 'easy tih get lost' Victorian cobbled streets, towards the roar of the crowd. (*aa divvint naa wot 'labyrinth' means---but it soonds good!)

The onimouslee named 'Cold Blow Lane', (which leads tih Millwaall's groond) even on a hot sunny day, is (definately) NOT! a place for the faint hearted!, and a feelin' of 'dread' suddenly came ower iz!, as aa could'nt help wonderin' if 'Jack The Ripper'! would suddenly jump oot from behind one of the railway arches brandishin' a meat cleaver!, or!---worse still!---wi'd be ambushed by a posse of 'F' Troop' radgies, and get brayed ower the heed with their infamous 'Millwaall bricks'. (a rolled up newspapers, knotted at the end tih form heavy clubs!)


But mee fears were unfounded, (for nuw at least!) and wih (finally) got tih The Den at 'half three bells', and ah asked the gadgie on the tornstile if this was the Newcastle end.
"Noocarsel?---Yeah mayte---straight in!", he said, so wih paid wor money and hurried in.

Wi'd aalready missed half an hour of the game, but at least nuw we were safe and soond in the Newcastle end.----ER!---WRANG!---The b*****d tornstile operator had sent wih into the f*****' MILLWAALL END instead!---and their fans were gannin mental!---hittin' the 'Dibbles' and tryin' tih tear the fence doon tih get at the Toon fans behind the far goal!.
Luckily for us, we were'nt wearin' any colours, so wih did a VERY! stupid thing, by tryin' tih get tih the 'Newcastle end' by waalkin' THROUGH! the Millwaall radgies, (not even the S.A.S. would be mad enough tih try this!)


Az 'Geoff from Nottingham' had more of a 'southern accent' than me and the otha lad, aa said tih him, that if anybody spoke tih us, HE! would dee the taalkin' and WE! would pretent tih be deef and dumb!
BUT!--- wih couldn't get past the fence as 'The Dibble',who had their truncheons drawn and snarlin' alsation dogs 'at the ready', had formed an impenetrable line to stop 'The 'F' Troop' radgies in their tracks and so wih decided that wih had nee choice but tih stay put in the Millwaall section of the groond.

We waalked tih the corner of the terraces tih try and keep oot the way, and as wih did the Toon scored, when David Barton met a Jim Pearson cross tih heed the baall past the Millwaall keeper!.

We were in two minds whether tih celebrate wor goal, but soon had second thoughts, when the Millwaall fans started gannin' 'off it' again, ---so!--- (wih sensibly!) kept wor mooths shut, as wih did'nt fancy bein' carried oot the groond in body bags!. (This was the forst time in mee life, that ah hadn't celebrated a Toon goal!)

Just after the goal the whistle went for half time, however wor lead did'nt last for lang, and 'The Lions' equalised seven minutes after the restart. A few minutes later Millwaall got their second and the Toon were deed and buried. (But thankfully, not us!)



There was more fightin' after the final whistle and a 'Dibblette' was hit by a brick thrown by a Millwaall fan, (a hoose brick, NOT! a Millwaall brick!) and as wih left the groond wih wisely decided tih keep a low profile on the journey back tih Central London as we were 'on our own' again as the Toon fans in 'the proper end' were locked in for a good hour after the game!. (ie: Act deef and dumb!---again!) (sign language at the ready!)


However!---wih got tih Piccadilly in 'one piece' and heeded for the pre-arranged meetin' point at 'Snows' (pub) where the 'yellow bellied turncoats' were drinkin'---And didn't we have a story tih tell THEM!----Wi'd been in the Millwaall end and (somehow!) got oot alive!

HOW MANY CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT!???




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