(GROUND NUMBER 14)
Date of First Visit: 22nd AUGUST 1970
SELHURST PARK, LONDON
CRYSTAL PALACE 1
NEWCASTLE UNITED 0
(OLD) DIVISION ONE
ATTENDANCE: 27,287
Meesel, Billy ‘hard case’ Gardner, Dylan and Deka Scott took the midneet ‘sleeper’ doon tih the capital for this one, and we arrived in ‘the big city’ at aboot ‘six bells’.
Skinheeds had just become ‘aall the rage’ and Billy ‘sported’ hiz ‘new image’ with a qwaata inch ‘skin’, complete with a shaved partin’!
He aalso ‘sported’ a size ten pair of ‘Doc Martens’ and waz ‘ready for anythin’!?
With a 'mystical' name like Crystal Palace, ah somehow had 'visions' of Selhurst Park resemblin'---well!---a 'palace'!, fit for a Queen!,------ covered in crystal glass!.
That 'vision'? soon evaporated when ah forst caught sight of the groond!.
The main stand was aboot sixty years aad, and had corrigated sheetin' 'clagged' tih the sides. The stand opposite, accordin' tih the match programme, had just been built, and had claret 'n' blue claddin' at the front. The two ends were open terracin', and the end we were in, had a grass bank tih stand on at the rear!.
(The Queen would NOT! be impressed!) (or amused!)
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This was Palace's forst ever season in the top division, and their fans were really 'up for it' as kick off time approached and they were roamin’ the streets around the ground lookin’ for any Toon fans for a fight!---However!---az soon az they seen Billy they changed their minds and scarpered!
The match, as it torned oot, was'nt much tih write home aboot, and the Toon made a 'wobbly start' with John McNamee and Ron Guthrie in particular at the back havin' a bad game.
The 'new kids on the block' from Croydon (where Palace play) took advantage of this and ran oot one-nil winners, with their anly goal comin' in the forst half.
SO!--(very despondently!) wih headed for the station after the 'last rites', and caught the train for the twenty mile journey back tih Kings Cross. (Aye!, London IS a big F***** place!)
But---be warned!---whatever yih dee, divvint gan there by 'jam jar', like ah did a few seasons ago. Because of the traffic, it took us THREE F****** HOURS! tih travel the thirty odd miles tih the groond!, from the end of the 'M1' in north London! -----AND wih got totally lost as well!.
(Which was nearly as lang as it took us, tih travel the 280 miles from Newcastle tih north London!) (The mind boggles!)
The usual guide of 'homin' in' on the floodlight pylons was nee good either, as yih can't see them or the groond, 'til yih practically on top of it!.
It's not signposted, and there are hundreds of side streets tih get lost in!. It's like tryin' tih find ya way through a bloody gigantic maze!, and is without doubt, the hardest groond in the Futbaall League tih find!.
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On another occasion, wih tried tih get a taxi tih Selhurst Park from Kings Cross. It took wih an hour an' a half!, cost the thick end of twenty five 'dustbin lids'!, AND---the taxi driver got f***** lost as well!?.
Nuw---if a 'black cab' driver, who's taken 'The Knowledge' , can't find it, what f***** chance have the rest of wih got???.
Yih could say that tryin' tih find the groond, is like tryin' tih find ya way through a 'Crystal Maze'!--------sic.
Footnote:
'The Crystal Maze' is (was?) an obscure (and daft!) telly programme on Channel Four, where contestants have tih try and find their way oot of a giant maze!.
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'The Knowledge' is a test that aal London 'cabbies' have tih tek, tih show that they know where every street in London is!.
(Obviously, NOT! includin' the street where Palace play?!)
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