GEORDIE TIMES BREAKIN' NEWS! *** LUKAKU HEEDS FOR TOON!

Posted '2:27pm bells' Thorsday 24th January 2019

NUFC have agreed a loan deal for LUKAKU!
Unfortunatly it isn't the Man U striker, its hiz bruvver Jordan who plays for Lazio in Italy and iz a defender!

Apparentleee he haz played just ONE game aall season because of a knee injury!----soonds aboot reet and shows the plight we are in under 'The Fat Controller's leadership????

"WHERE'S THE S***** D***** SIGNS GONE FROM THE PLAYERS TUNNEL?"

Posted '4:15pm bells' Wedinzday 23rd January 2019

Congtrats to Paul Dummett for collectin' an award for completin' 100 Premyaa Leegue games with NUFC.

The picture shows Paul with hiz award in the NUFC players tunnel, which mysteriously haz lost the ugly red, white and blue advorts which were plastered aall ower the tunnel for a certain sports company----and above the 'HOWAY THE LADS' sign!
(NOT that we're complainin'---like!)


In othaa news, 2 loan signins are in the offin' before the January transfor window closes in EIGHT days time----We thought az much!---loan signins are aboot the best we can expect theeze days from wor skinflint owner! 

NOTTS COONTY U23s v THE TOON U23s *** FA PREMYAA LEEGUE CUP *** KO '2:00 BELLS'

Posted from '2:00pm bells' Tuesday 22nd January 2019

TEAM SHEET

Latest score: 1-0 'up'!  Sam Osborne (22nd minute)
Correction: 1-0 'doon'! (Osborne iz one of their players (didn't check team sheet!)😲
(Wot did yoo expect from 'The Geordie Times'?)

Latest score: 2-0 to 'them'  (Ellott Ward 58th minute)
Latest score: 2-1 Mo Sangare pull one back for us! (69th minute)
Latest score: 2-2 Kelland Watts saves the day! (88th minute)
FT: 2-2

THE TOON ARE IN THE LIGHT BLUE STRIP

(NOTTS COONTY PLAY IN BLACK N WHITE STRIPES AZ WELL!)
Thanx to 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' for pic and team sheet!

HT score: 1-0 to 'us'---correction, to 'them'

FT score: 2-2

Attendance: Not many! 120 ish,  7 NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers!

"HOLD THE BACK PAGE!" *** THE FAT CONTROLLER MAKES A RECORD SIGNING!

Posted '1:26pm bells' Tuesday 22nd January 2019

Sensational news reaches The Geordie Times!
Wor 'beloved' owner??? 'The Fat Controller' haz finally put hiz hand in hiz pocket and signed a record deal!

Wor new record signing! *** Jamaal LASSIEcelles!

MEEENWHILE!---in othaa news, wor U23s are in 
action in less than an hours time @ The Manor 
Groond, Ilkeston, where we take on Notts Coonty 
in The Premyaa Leegue Cup!

If yoo are gannin' yoo had better hurry up az
 KO iz @ '2 bells'!

Admission iz £3 for big kids and £1 for sprogs and zimmerframeites!

The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers have been 
here before (beleeeve it, or not!) when we played 
Ilkeston in an FA Youth Cup tie 4 years ago and 
a match report on that game iz printed in the 
article below! (ground number 318)

At least 3 of 'The Hoppers' will be there again, 
includin' 'Glennn from Ashington', 'Biffa the Beer' 
and 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' and we 
hope to get some pix from them in the next few hours!

Watch this space for a match report from one of them!

NEWS FLASH!
Here iz the team sheet for todays game sent by 'Blondie' Alan!

ground number 318 new manor ground, ilkeston, derbyshire

(Ground number 318)

Date of first visit: 16th December 2015
New Manor Ground, Ilkeston, Derbyshire

Ilkeston U18s 2
Newcastle United U18s 3 (McNall, Heaney 2)

FA Youth Cup 3rd round
Attendance: 927 (7 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' + 10 or so 'exiles'!)
The attendance waz 455 more than Ilkeston's 1st team average gate for this season ---which iz!---472---highest 534!


"VICTORY FROM THE JAWS OF VICTORY!"


1st goal scored by Lewis McNall   (I hope yiv got good eyesight!?)


The jorney doon to deepest Derbyshire waz pretty uneventful apart from the usual traffic jams en-route az aa picked up the 'hoppers' at various locations!
A magnificent 7 of us travelled doon and we arrived @ 'The Manor Born' @ '6 bells'---3 and a half hours after departure from Pink Lane in The Toon!
I asked the lassie on the tornstile just wot age concessions started az it said on the sign that it waz £3 for adults and just £1 for concessions!
She didn't know, but let me in for ONE POOND when I telt hor I waz ower 60! <(quick!--pass mee zimmer frame!)

"The MAGnificent 7!"

'The Robins' clubhoose inside the groond waz wor forst port o call  after payin' the 'extortionate' admission price, where a pint of 'Worthy' in a thin plastic glass, waz the order of the day <(NE concessions for the beer mind!)

A *healthy crowd which I estimated to be around aboot the thoosand mark had come for Northern Premyaa Leegue Ilkeston's 'big day' (more than twice the number they get for a 1st team game!) and they were in good voice az the game kicked off!
(*'Healthy' in terms of crowd size and NOT beer gut SIZE!---of which there were many!)

However!--It waz The Toon's youngins who dominated the forst half and we took the lead in the 16th minute when Lewis McNall slotted home after the baall had rebounded off the Ilkeston post and fell nicely for him!

Wor lead waz doubled in the 33rd minute when 'Mac' Heaney's shot waz deflected into the back of the Ilkeston net!

It waz 'game ower' (or so we thought!) when again, Heaney had a shot which waz deflected to completleee wrang foot their keeper--and we 'were cruisin'!

Of course this IZ NUFC, albeit at the junior level, so when Ilkeston pulled a goal back through sub Roy Lee in the 2nd half on the hour mark with a toe poked effort, it waz aall of a sudden 'panic stations'! (this waz Lee's 1st touch of the baall!)
Just TWO minutes later and they pulled anothaa one back when Lee (again) heeded past Paul Woolston in the Toon goal az wor defence crumbled like a piece of Christmas cake!

There waz an anxious last 15 minutes az the clock tower in the corner of the groond ticked doon and we had visions of the game gannin to extra time and penalties!

Action in the 2nd half at 'The Clock Tower End'

One Ilkeston fan behind me who waz taalkin to hiz mate in a very loud voice, didn't realise this and waz hopin' for a replay so he could sample the delights of St James' Park, az he thought that hiz sides 2nd goal waz in fact an EQUALISER! <(The 'dickhead' had obviously missed one of wor goals and didn't naa that there were NE replays anyway!)

Anyway!--we somehow managed to keep the home side at bay az the crowd roared them on--but it waz to 'no avail' az we held oot to win the contest in normal time!---just!

It waz then the lang drive back to Tyneside via York to drop 'Dave from York' off, then to Middleton St George to drop 'Alex of St George' off, then to Whitley Bay to drop 'Biffa the Beer' off, then to Ashington to drop 'Glenn from ---(yes yiv guessed it!) Ashington' off, then to Throckley to drop 'The Mad Professor' off and finally to the banks o' the Tyne to drop ME and 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' off!  ('Blondie' had parked hiz 'jam jar' at wor hoose and waz drivin' back to Langley Park in Coonty Durham where he lives!) A 387.4 miles roond trip in mee canny tranny 'bespoke' mini bus!


"SPOT THE TYNE BRIDGES!"

In othaa words EVERY ONE of 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' lives miles (and miles!) apart from each othaa!

"WE WAZ THERE!"



Team sheet---"Torn your heeds to the left to read!"

PS: THE TOON WILL PLAY AFC WIMBLEDON @ SJP IN THE NEXT ROOND
(Date and time to be conformed)



NEWSFLASH! *** THE GEORDIE TIMES TO STAY INDEPENDENT!

Posted '4:01pm bells' Munday 21st January 2019

Worried Geordie Times reeeders have contacted us aboot the planned merger of aall 'The Times' publications by Rupert Murdoch!

But "don't panic--don't panic!" az yoo can rest assured and sleep easy in your beds tooneet az there iz "nee way!" that we will join wor 'little sister' papers 'The Times' of London and 'The Sunday Times' in a planned merger!

'The Geordie Times' haz been and will aalways be an independent publication for fans of NUFC and aall Tyneside clubs!
"Sleep tight toonight!" "ZZZZzzzz!!!!" 😴

A GAME OF SNAKES & LADDERS --- AND WE'VE GOT THE SNAKES!😨

Posted just after 'high noon bells' Munday 21st Janary 2019

NUFC POINTS TOTAL AZ WE SPEAK!---21 !

*News that wor beloved owner??? haz aall-but given up on the sale of NUFC, have sent Toon fans into: "We've hord it aall before!" mode!
It's like a game of 'snakes and ladders' where yoo climb up the leegue on the ladder and 'heed back doon' on the snake!

Appropriately, 'The Fat Controller' iz 'the snake' (in the grass!) who couldn't give 2 monkeys f***s aboot the fans, but who does care aboot the money he will lose if we are relegated for the thord time again, under hiz disastrous leadership!

Panic stations then!----but with just 12 days left of the transfor window, will he have a 'brain warp' and give Rafa 'the bit'---OR will he 'suck hiz thumbs' and 'hope for the best' and keep hiz 'wallet in hiz pocket' and pray we divvint gan doon again!???

Who naaz?---Who cares?---Anly 'US' of course!

GUESS WHO ???

THE TOON 3 THE TAFFY NOSES 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2018-2019

Posted '9:45am bells' Sunday 20th January 2019

"OOH ITS A CORNER!" (AT THE LEAZES END IN THE 2nd HALF)

RITCHIE'S CORNER WHICH LED TO SCAR'S 2nd GOAL

"93 YEARS AND COONTIN'!"

The last tine The Taffy Noses of Cardiff left SJP in a top flight game with a victory woz in 1926, some 93 years ago!----and on this showin' it will be anothaa 93 years before they leave here with anything!

1st HALF ACTION AT THE GALLOWGATE END

We 'huffed and puffed' for the most part of the forst half, when a massive penalty appeal woz torned doon by the 'blind ref', just after Perez had went close,--- but the breakthrough came at The Gallowgate End when 'Fab'ian Schar dribbled into the Cardiff penalty area from the halfway line before hittin' a precision left foot shot into the far corner of the net in the 24th minute!----a crucial goal which sent the crowd wild!

HT: 1-0 to 'us'!

In the 2nd half Perez went close again on the hour mark before Schar doubled hiz tally and wor lead from a Matt Ritchie corner, when he flicked the baall into the net from at The Leazes End!

Taffy Noses manager Neil Warnock (az usual!) winged throughout the match from the touchline and he winged even more deep into stoppage time when Perez added a 3rd from a superb Rondon cross, to send us above Cardiff and send them into the bottom 3!

A must, must, MUST win game that we did win---and with tough games against champions Man City at home to come and away games at Sporz and Wolves to follow, this woz a valuable 3 points and the 3 goal win aalso boosted wor goal difference---which could prove decisive in the final run in! 
That's 7 goals scored in the last 2 games (4 v Blackborn in the midweek FA Cup replay)-----Lang may it continue!

Toon team: Dubravka, Schar, Yedlin, Lascelles, Ritchie (Manquillo 85), Hayden, S. Langstaff, Atsu, Perez, Rondon

Attendance: 49,864 , includin' The Fat Controller who woz slagged off a number of times durin' the match! (1,400 Taffys)

* Footnote: Spare a thought for a Toon and Gatesheed season ticket holder called 'Baallaa'.
He opted to gan to Salford to see The Heedbangers draw 1-1.
This woz the 3rd Toon home leegue game he haz missed this season that we have won!---and we have anly won the 3 he haz missed!
In total he haz seen us pick up just ONE solitary point v Fulim (0-0)!
We are havin a whiproond before the forthcomin home game v Man City to try and persuade him not to gan!
Aall donations to 'The Baallaa Fund' will be gratefully received!
We will be in The Bodega before the City game if yoo would like to donate! (Roond table next to the bar coontaa!)


"

THE TOON v THE TAFFY NOSES *** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Posted '1:30pm bells' Friday 18th January 2019

THE LAST TIME CARDIFF WON AT SJP

THE GROOND LOOKED LIKE THIS!

"IT'S THE HOPELESSNESSS THAT KILLS YOO!"

Wor must, must, MUST win home game v Cardiff tomorrow iz probably wor biggest game of the season, az a win would propel us oot of the drop zone (for the time bein' at least!) BUT a draw or (god forbid!) a defeat, will keep us rooted near to the bottom of the table, with games v Man C, Sporz and Wolves comin' up behind!

With just 13 days left of the transfor window, we fear the worst that we wont sign anybody for a fee to bolster wor threadbare squad, and that loan deals will be wor anly option, az the alleged takeover??? iz now draggin' on, with fans now beleeevin that it wont happen anyway! 

It's the hope that kills yoo! (or should that be 'hopelessness'?)----
and IF we don't sign a proven striker/defenders etc and have to rely on wor current crop of players, then a 3rd spell in The Championship in 10 years under The Fat Controller's lack of leadership iz likely!
(The Taffy Noses have just splashed oot 18 million for a new striker, for example!)

The FA Cup game v Wotfaad a week on Saturday iz mearly a 'sideshow' az a scratch Toon X1 will play, just like at Bleakburn on Tuesday.----Meeenin that it will be very hard to progress to the 5th roond, az wor visitors are in a safe position in the leegue and will probably play a full strength team!

We reeely MUST win the Cardiff game---any othaa scoreline iz unfinkable!

NUFC v CCFC HISTORY LESSON
Cardiff haven't won at SJP for 56 years---an old Division 2 game in 1963

Az far az top flight games gan, they haven't won here for 93 years!
Their last success comin' in 1926! (Since then NUFC have won 9 and drawn 1 in the top flight)

The forst meetin' took place 97 years ago in 1922 at SJP in the old Division 1 and ended goalless in front of a 28,000 crowd

The last meetin' took place at Cardiff City Stadium in August this season---aalso a goalless draw in front of 30,720

NUFC have won the last 9 home games v Cardiff, so there IZ some hope!
Full record: Played 57, won 27, drawn 14, lost 16

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here on Sunday
(Pleeeze god, let it be a good one!!!)

Footnote:
"THE POISON DWARF IZ BACK!"

News from wor 'little sister' paper, The Times of London

BLEAKBURN ROVERS 2 THE TOON 4 *** FA CUP 3RD ROOND REPLAY

Posted '1:07pm bells' Wedinzday 16th January 2019

LONGSTAFF'S GOAL IN THE FORST MINUTE
(HOPE YOO'VE GOT GOOD EYESIGHT!)

"A 6 GOAL KILLER!"

Anyone reeedin this scoreline must have thought it woz a brilliant game, but it woz anything but on a bleak night in Bleakburn!
Az expected The Toon sent oot a weakened team which included 5 resorve team players and 3 othaa 'fringe' players!

We took the lead in the very forst minute when Sean Longstaff fired in from 20yards oot, with their keeper unsighted az we attacked The Bleakburn End, which housed the home supporters (they misspelt it 'The Blackburn End' on the stand sign!)
This woz 21 year old Longstaff's very forst, forst team goal az well!

Anothaa 21 year old 'rookie' Callum Roberts aalso scored hiz forst senior goal and doubled wor lead in the 22nd minute with a fine effort from 8 yards oot from a Murphy cross, to send the estimated 2,500 toon fans into 'wild with delight mode', in the opposite Darwen End of the groond!

"GAME OWER!"---well not quite!---this iz NUFC after aall--and former Toon player Adam Armstrong reduced the deficit with a shot into the corner of the goal which gave Freddie Woodman in The Toon goal nee chance!
Rovers levelled things when they scored deep into stoppage time after defensive blunders, to send The Toon fans into 'meltdoon mode'!

The 2nd period woz c**p and if yoo were watchin' this live on BT Sports in your hoose, yoo would have torned ower to watch the Brexit news from 'The Hooses of Parliament' instead! (ie; very borin stuff indeed!)

To add to the fans 'punishment' it went to extra time and Joselu (who had had a c**p game himself!), put us 3-2 up at The Bleakburn End when he slotted home an easy chance in the 3rd minute of 1st half extra time, after Fabian Shar had hit a 20 yard shot which rebounded nicely to hiz feet!

He looked and WOZ offside, but unlike the forst game at SJP, there woz nee VAR to prove this!---This completely unsettled Bleakburn and within seconds of the 2nd half of extra time Perez put the game beyond doubt with a 'cross the box shot' which hit the underside of the bar and went in! 

This meeenz that we will have a game v Wotfaad a week on Saturday in the 4th roond, instead of anothaa blank weekend!

Injuries to Clark and Lascelles durin the game put a cloud ower the result, but we must 'plod on' with nee new signings forthcomin'!

We made hard work of this, but have to be thankful of the final outcome and hope that it gives wor squad a lift az we have that must, must, MUST! win game in the leegue v Cardiff at HQ on Saturday!

Toon team: Woodman, Sterry, Clark (Lascelles 46) (Hayden 57), Fernandez, Manquillo, Schar, Longstaff, Roberts (Perez 94), Murphy, Ritchie (Atsu 109), Joselu

Attendance: 14,228 (2,500 Toon fans--estimated)

We did wor pre match 'gargelin' here!

"WHERE MEE 99 FLAKE?"

The papers react to wor sorry and depleated team line up!

THE DAILY MAIL

*And from wor 'little sister' paper, The Times of London!