THE TOON v SWANZEE **** SATURDAY AFTERNOOON!

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 15th April 2016

Tomorrow we welcome Cedric the swan and hiz mates to SJP for yet anothaa game that we MUST win and hope that Norwich divvint!---although they are playin' the SMBs and of course we divvint want them to win eethaa!  (a 'draw' pleeeze!)

Theeeze are desperate times of course and the very fact that wor visitors have won their last 3 visits here, doesn't make good readin'!

The team news iz that Chancel Mbemba iz set to partner Jamaal Lascelles in central defence with Steve Taylor 'getting the bullet' aftaa hiz aaful display at Sooothampton last week!

Daryl Janmaat will be missin' after hiz 'argument' with a door/waall <(take your pick!) resulted in him breakin TWO fingers when he punched the 'said' solid object(s) with hiz fist when he waz substituted last week! < (the 'comedy club' just gans from strength to strength!)
And just who will be up front to score wor goals???---well your guess iz az good az mine and Rafa's!

We've simply GOT to win this game of course az defeat or a draw will surely condemn us to 'the abyss'!
Six games left to save wor bacon and a minimum of at least 4 wins against 'the above', 'The Blue Moonies' next Tuesday, 'The Liverbirds' a week on Saturday and then 'Pardew's Palace', 'The Hazbeen and Villians' and finally title chasers 'Sporz' on the last day of the season @ SJP---but will we still have a chance of survival by then???

There's one consulation though!---At least aa divvint have to drag meesel oot of mee 'scratcher' @ '3 bells' in the morning, like aa did for last weeks disastrous trip to Sooothampton----a ten minute bus ride this time!
 
A special mention to 'Barry' who worked in The Newcastle Arms on every match day for many (many!) years, pullin' pints for the thirsty regulars!
He anly missed TWO games in TWELVE YEARS of loyal service to T.T.T. ('The Toon Tipplers'!)   
Barry haz moved on to 'pastures new' <(ie: anothaa City centre boozer!) and he will be a big miss to 'The Arms'!

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here sometime in the future!---watch this space!

MORE 'SELF INFLICTED WOUNDS' (LITERALLY!)

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 12th April 2016

HIGH BRIDGE, NEWCASTLE *** NUFCs NEW HQ ---PERHAPS????

"WELCOME TO THE COMEDY CLUB!"

News that Daryl Janmaat who waz substituted in the 40th minute at Sooothampton with a groin injury and left St Mary's with hiz arm in a sling??? makes bafflin' readin' at forst!---until yoo find oot that hiz arm waz in a sling coz he punched a door in the dressin' room in frustration---breakin' TWO FINGERS in the process!

Whether he will feature in wor home game against Swanzee on Saturday because of this iz unknown????

More 'self inflicted wounds' when we reeely don't need them------ "UNF*****' REEEL!"

Meeenwhile--wor U21s lost 4-1 at home to Brighton last neet @ SJP, the U21s lost 3-1 @ Arsenal last Friday AND the U18s lost 7-1 @ Man U on Saturday!--- to keep the 'losin' streaks' from aall wor sides on course!

To date this year the forst team, U21 resorves and junior U18 sides have played a total of 36 games--winnin' just FOWER (4) of them!
1st team: played 14, won 2   U21s: played 11, won 1  
U18s: played 11, won 1   

SOOOTHAMPTON 3 THE TOON 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Updated '8:55pm bells' Sunday 10th April 2016




THE TOON (in dark blue strip) ATTACK THE NEAR GOAL


"DISASTER DAY(S) DIARY!"

Like a condemned man waitin' for hiz last meal, aa dragged mee lifeless body oot mee 'scratch-pit' @ '3 am bells' for a 'wash n brush up' before jumpin' in a taxi for 'The Central' to catch the '4:45am bells' train to 'the smoke'
It waz then onward by tube to Waaterloo Station where we caught the '9:50am bells train to deepest Hampshire---where we arrived @ '11:00 bells' and heeded straight for a Wetherspoon's boozer called 'The Giddy Bridge' for the forst 'liquid lubrications of the day' (er!---apart from the 4 cans on the train doon!) and a nose-bag'! <(mee 'last meal' before the game!)

A TOON FAN CAALLED 'INTERNATIONAL RUSSCUE'
GIVES A RENDITION OF ROY ORBISON'S SONG "IT'S OVER!"
BEFORE THE MATCH     (IT SOON WAZ!!!!)

A couple of more 'liquid lubrication location' stops later and it waz time to gan for 'wor punishment' and heeded for St Mary's Stadium.

Within fower minutes of the kick off we were 1-0 doon thanx to some aaful defendin' on wor part and we were doon on wor knees from this point onwards!

That it took the home side anothaa 34 minutes to increase their lead waz an inevitable conclusion az we were absolutleee shokin' once again 'on the road' (anothaa defensive error!)

The gallows humour waz in full flow by this time with the usual self inflicted chants of doom and gloom!

Wanyama made it 3-0 to Sooothampton in the 55th minute az wor heeds were nearly 'on the deck' az Rafa tried in vain to 'rally the troops'---some chance from this shambolic lot!

A spectacular consolation goal from Adros Toonsend had the Toon fans dancin' in their seats singin' "We've scored a goal!---we've scored a goal!"---much to the amusement of the home support!

It waz of course 'aall ower' by this point and the anly consulation waz that Norwich were losin' @ Palace to 'quite not condemn us' ---yet!

After the game it waz back to Waaterloo on a train so packed we had to 'shoehorn' wor way on and stand the entire one and a half hour jorney back to 'the smoke', squashed in like sardines!---more 'punishment' for the lang sufferin' Toon travellers'!

A few more 'gargels' later and it waz time to catch the last train back---to--- DONCASTER!----From there we had to change trains and eventually arrived back at 'The Central' @ '1:00 am bells ---Sunday mornin'!
Mee pre booked taxi then DIDN'T torn up (addin to my 'punishment'!) and aa eventually arrived home in anothaa taxi @ 1:40am bells', completleee 'cattle-trucked' from the day(s) 'events'!

Welcome to the life of an NUFC supporter!

Toon team: Darlow, Janmaat (De Jong 40), Anita, Mbemba, Taylor (Lascelles 46), Toonsend, Shelvey, Wijnaldum, Sissoko, Perez (Cisse 70), Mitrovic

Attendance: 31,542 (1,762 Toon fans!) *



More of the pre and post match 'gargels' took place here!

SOOOTHAMPTON

 

   

SOOOTHAMPTON
 

LONDON (POST MATCH)

LONDON

 

SOOOTHAMPTON v THE TOON *** SATURDAY AFTERNOOON!

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 8th April 2016

"KEEP THE FAITH!"



In the week when NUFC announced record profits of £33 million, we heed for the south coast knowin' that defeat for us tomorrow and a win for Norwich at Palace, will virtually (but not mathematically) condemn us to trips to New York and Burton next season! (ER! that's New York Stadium in ROTHERHAM! by the way and NOT in 'The Big Apple', USA! <(more like The 'Apple Gook', Yorkshire, for us!)
We are heedin' off in the orly hours of tomorrow mornin' ('4:45 bells' train to KX!) and then onward to Sooothampton from London---arrivin' @ approx. '11 bells'---where we will ne doubt heed for the nearest 'liquid lubrication location' for the forst pre match 'gargels'!

A full match and 'hootch' report will appear here az per usual sometime on Sunday!

Can we save wor season????----Can we de a 'Lestaa'????---who naaz with this lot????--- "KEEP THE FAITH!"  

DELIA'S CANARY CUSTARD CREAMS 3 THE TOON 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Updated '10:15am bells' Munday 4th April 2016


1st HALF *** THE TOON ATTACK THE FAR GOAL

"SELF INFLICTED WOUNDS FROM WOR OWN 'FANS?'!"

The lang jorney to Norfolk started off @ '5:59 am bells' precisely @ 'The Central' and we arrived in Norwich some 4 and a half hours later (via Peterborough!)
'The Murderers Arms' waz wor forst (and anly!) port o call in the city centre for the pre match 'gargels' and 'nosebags' before heedin' for Carrow Road some 4 hours later---a 15 minute walk away!


THE MURDERERS---"SPOT THE PLONKY!"


We were simply awful in the forst half and just az injury time approached the baall went into the away end in front of us az Norwich were award a free kick deep into wor half!

The fools in front of us were so thick and they wouldn't give them the baall back!--Considerin' that a 0-0 draw waz much better for the home side than us, this waz shear stupidity beyond belief from wor own lot! < (And aa thought that 'April Fools Day' waz the day before?)

When eventually they did get it back after aboot 90 seconds, wor defence fell asleep and allowed Klose a free heeder which he sent past Darlow in The Toon goal!---'self inflicted wounds' would be the understatement of the year!--HT 1-0 to The Canary Custards!


To cut a lang story short Mitrovic waz finally introduced in the 62nd minute and just 9 minutes later he scored after a Toonsend cross foond hiz heed and he beat the home keeper ne ends to level the contest!

Az The Toon fans were still celebratin' the goal, anothaa 'self inflicted wound' happened when wor defence failed to clear their lines and Mbokani welled the baall underneath Darlow's body to regain the lead!

Again The Toon came back when a hand baall in the penalty box resulted in a rare penalty kick for us and Mitrovic cooly despatched the shot into the bottom right hand corner of the net with just 4 minutes left on the clock ---and we thought at least a point iz better than nowt az we celebrated wildly again!

2nd HALF ACTION

And then the final 'self inflicted wound'---when again we failed to clear wor lines and Olssen put 'the dagger through wor hearts' deep into stoppage time with the killer goal in the 93 minute! (but waz it 'hand baall'?) ---wor NINTH defeat in a row 'on the road'! (inc FA Cup!)

The result meenz that we are now SIX points from safety with an inferior goal difference with just SEVEN games left!
Trip to Burton and Rotherham next season look an absolute certainty now!-----UNLESS! we can 'de a Lestaa'---very unlikeleee I'm afraid!

Toon team: Darlow, Janmaat, Mbemba, Taylor, Anita (Mitrovic 62), Tiote (Perez 46), Shelvey, Toonsend, Sissoko, Wijnaldum, Cisse

Attendance: 27,137 (2,660 Resigned Toon fans!)

*The pre and post match 'gargels' took place here!

  

      

POST MATCH---NORWICH

POST MATCH----SOMEWHERE NEAR PETERBOROUGH STATION!
(THE ROAD SIGN SHOULD READ--'NO ENTRY EXCEPT 'PLONKIES'!)

 

THE CANARY CUSTARDS v THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOOOON!

Posted '3:35pm bells' April Fools Day 2016

Crunch day haz nearly arrived in wor bid to avoid the dreaded drop into 'the abyss' of The Championship!

There are TWO best and worst case scenarios to consider!

ONE: We win at Norwich and the SMBs lose at home to WBA---we will then be level on points with tomorrows opponents, but with a worse goal difference and two aheed of wor wearyside rivals!

TWO: We lose and the SMBs win-----Norwich will then be SIX points aheed of us, which in effect will be SEVEN if yoo include their superiors goal difference---The SMBs will be FOWER points clear in 3rd bottom place, again with a superior goal difference-----and with just SEVEN games left after this, 'the abyss' looks an odds on certainty!

The bookies make us and the mackems favourites to join doomed Villa in The Championship, with Norwich escapin' by the skin of their teeth----lets hope that this ISN'T the case on Saturday and with the 'Rafa' magic effect' (we hope!?) we can somehow climb oot of the relegation zone to safety!

We shall soon find oot!---We are on the '6 bells' train to Peterborough in the mornin' and then onward to Norfolk from there!---aall 2,660 away tickets have been sold oot!

"Howay the Lads!"     

APRIL FOOL! *** THE JUDGE IS A GEORDIE!

Posted '11:35am bells' April Fools Day 2016

BRAMALL LANE CRICKET PAVILION *** AZ IT LOOKED IN THE 1970's

It's that time of the year again folks!---and we make NE APOLOGEEEZ for diggin' up this 'gem' from April Fools Day in 1972 when a riot in Sheffield resulted in many court appearences for 'The Leazes End Boot Boys'!

Daft Tommy who iz the main character in the story below and who will be in hiz 70's now, ne langer gans to the games, but he watches 'The Toon' from the comfort of 'The Clock' in Clayton Street and can be foond there most days, 'on the hoy'!

"April Fool the Judge is a Geordie!"***A 'classic' from 44 years ago today!

MORE 'TWISTS' AND TURNS THAN AN AGATHA CHRISTIE NOVEL!

Posted '1:11pm bells' Wednesday 30th March 2016

More devastatin' news for NUFC! 
For wor Irish Republic 2nd choice goalie Rob Elliot haz twisted hiz knee in Dublin az he tried in vain to save a shot against Slovakia in a friendly last neet!
It happened in the 15th minute and we understand that Rob will be oot of action for the rest of the season---just like forst choice keeper Tim Krul who injured himself in exactly the same way playin' for Holland a while back!

This leaves Karl Darlow az wor only available keeper with Premyaa Leegue experience (ONE game!) for wor trip to 'The Canary Custards of Norwich' on Saturday, with wor Academy U18s Freddie Woodman the anly othaa fit keeper we have left!

Just wot we didn't want in wot iz a 'MUST'-'MUST'-'MUST' 'MUST'! win game @ Carrow Road in wor quest to stay in the Premyaa Leegue!
The result of this game will give us a very good idea of the destinations we will be heedin' for next season!
Liverpool or Burton?---West Brom or Waalsaall?----Arsenal or Gillingham?---Manchester or MK Dons?----Chelski or Millwaall?---we shall soon find oot!

It's just anothaa 'DISASTER DAY' in the never endin' 'novel' that iz NUFC

"FORTY SEVEN QUID?--- YI HAVIN' A LAFF!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 26th March 2016


"HELLO!-- NEWCASTLE UNITED FC?  WE ARE RIPPIN'
YOUR FANS OFF LIKE! AND CHARGING THEM £47
TO GET IN NEXT MONTH!"

News that 'The Liverbirds' are to charge us £47 to get in next month for wor visit there, makes the £30 max charge for Premyaa Leegue games next season laughable!

The most ironic thing aboot this, iz that we might not be gannin there next season anyway to get the 'discount'!

An onerous sign of wor current plight iz on Toon fan site nufc.com, which gives the start date for the Premyaa Leegue next season az Sat 13/08/2016 ---but aalso gives the start date for Championship games az Sat 06/08/2016!

"Yee of little faith!"  

319 broadfield stadium, crawley

Ground number 319
Date of First Visit: 23rd March 2016
Broadfield Stadium, Crawley

Brighton U21s 1
Newcastle United U21s 1 (Callum Roberts)

FA Premier U21s League

Unofficial attendance: 368 (Dave from York's estimate!) 
Actual attendance: 266!


"THE FOOLHARDY FIVE!"

THE TOON (in the dark blue strip)
ATTACK THE BRUCE WINFIELD END! (1st half)

Three of the 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' travelled doon by train and stopped owerneet for this one---namely 'Dave from York', hiz 'sidekick' 'Alex of St George' and 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer'
'Glennn from Ashington' opted for a torturous 'cheap' coach jorney via London, while yours truly decided (against my better judgement!) to drive aall the way there and back az aa had to gan to graft on the Thorsday afternoon

Aa set off (on mee todd!) in mee 9 seater van (come mini bus) at precisely '11:11am bells' and heeded for deepest Sussex!

Just to 'help me' on the 330 mile plus jorney, the London orbital M25 motorway waz shut at the junction aa needed from the M1 torn off!---Az the radio reported delays of FIVE HOURS aa panicked and torned off at Northampton and heeded doon the A43 towards Oxford where aa picked the M40 up which comes oot at a junction of the M25 not effected by the closure <(hope a'm not borin' the t*tts off yoo?)
It waz then a stop start crawl around the 'said' M25 and aa eventually arrived in 'Creepy Crawleyland' at qwaataa to six bells, some SIX and a half hours and 334 miles after leavin' my Tyneside abode!

Kick off waz at 7, so (after bumpin' into Glennn) we heeded for a pub caalled 'The Full Moon' where Dave and Co. were! (or waz it 'The Blue Moon'?)
After a fruitless 30 minutes tryin' to find it, we 'gave up' and heeded back to the groond az kick off time waz approachin'!
(It torned oot that the pub waz through an underpass-- but nebody telt us that!)

Anyway!---after a quick 'nosebag' inside the groond (a cheeseburger!) it waz soon kick off time and Dave, Blondie and Alex made up the five lang distance Toon travellers, az they staggered in from the boozer we couldn't find! (we have since renamed worsels az 'The Foolhardy Five!'!)

Ivan Toney waz playin' for us after a 2 month absence through injury but quite a few of The Toon team were from the lower junior ranks (U18s) and Brighton took advantage az they tried to make the breakthrough!
It came in the 17th minute after a defensive blunder by wor number 2 (Spooner) allowed Brighton's number 4 (Collar) the space to have a shot which beat Toon debutant keeper Nathan Harker az the shot went in off the post!


THE 'U' HAZ FALLEN OFF THE KRUL STAND!---
AZ THE TOON PRESS FOR THE WINNER 

Brighton had othaa chances to seal the win ---but didn't take them and in the 2nd half, az we attacked the 'Tim Krul End' (see photo of stand's name!) wor number 7 Callum Roberts hit an unstoppable left foot shot which flew into the back of the net, to loud 'cheers' and applause from the 'Foolhardy Five' and aboot 20 othaa Toon exiles dotted aboot the main stand!
Az the baall entered the net 'Dave from York' got a phone call from the widow of a recently bereaved Toon fan known az 'Gazza' <(no! not that one!) tellin' him of the funeral arrangements!
"I'm at a match at the minute---we've just scored!", Dave told hor, az he struggled to hear hor above the noise!---weird!

Anyway!---That's the way it ended az aa 'looked forward' <(NOT!) to the six hour drive back yem!---via the M1 roadworks--arrivin' back at precisely '3:02 am bells' and a roond trip of (precisely!) 663.7 miles!--which took iz ower half a day's travellin' time! (12 and a half hours drivin' time, there and back, aall told!) 

ie: It WAZ worth it though--az aa 'chalked' anothaa Leegue groond 'off the 92 list'-----A'm not caalled 'The mad-sad groundhopper' for nothin'! 
Of the 92 current leegue groonds, a'v visited 78 !---aall with 'The Toon'!
In total includin' former leegue groonds of current leegue teams, this total rises to 110 (ie 2 groonds for the likes of Man C, SMBs, Smoggies, Lestaa, Stoke, Bristol Rovers, etc etc)
That still leaves me with 14 current leegue groonds still to visit however!----it's a never endin' 'goal'!         

THE CRUMPLED TEAM SHEET PROVES THAT "WE WAZ THERE!"