"FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROADSSSS!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 8th December 2015



January 9th?

January 23rd!

The FA Cup draw haz been unkind to us yet again, az we must travel to Elton John's Wotfad in the 2nd week of January and then again at the END of January for a Leegue fixture!
Add in the fact that we are away to Sporz this comin' Sunday and The Arse on January 2nd, this meeenz we have to travel 'to and fro' to King's Cross in London ne less than FOWER times in the next 6 weeks!
A total of 2,500 rail miles in aall--and of course expensive train and game tickets to match!

To complicate things the SMBs have drawn 'The Arse' away in London on the same day and we envisage that 'The Dibble' will not want thoosands of rival fans travellin' on the same trains and drinkin' in the same boozers around King's Cross!--So one of the games will undoubtedly be moved!

We will keep yoo informed of any forthaa developments!

THE TOON 2 THE LIVERBIRDS 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Posted '10:37am bells' Munday 7th December 2015

"OH YEE OF LITTLE FAITH!"

Aall the talk in 'The Bodega' before the match waz just how many goals 'The Liverbirds' would put past us that afternoon, but the pessimists amongst us (includin' 'me'!) were resigned to a heavy defeat, especially after wor 5-1 drubbin' @ Palace the week before and wor visitors stunnin' 6-1 win away to Sooothampton last midweek!

Although we didn't have a shot on goal durin' the forst half neetha did 'The Liverbirds' and we went in aall square at the break!

THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END (1st half)

A goal-less draw waz the best we could expect in the 2nd half, we thought, but Gini Wijnaldum proved us aall wrang with a deflected shot in the 69th minute @ The Leazes End which sent the biggest crowd of the season @ SJP into raptures!

Could we somehow hold on?---'The Mickey Mousers' were not on top form, thankfully, and missed several chances, with sub Sturridge missin' a golden chance not lang after wor goal, which he normally puts away! <(but not this time!)

A goal for them waz then ruled offside by the linesman on The Milburn Stand side of the pitch, but this proved to be a wrang decision in TV replays az good fortune shined on 'us'!

2nd HALF ACTION @ THE LEAZES END

And then the fourth official put up FIVE minutes of stoppage time to loud boos from the crowd az THREE minutes waz wot we expected!---But NOT to worry az Wijnaldum raced doon the pitch and connected to a through baall pin-point from Sissoko and he lifted the baall slightly ower ex mackem goalie Mignolet and into the empty net! 2-0!
It waz tooo late for a comeback and we took the 3 precious points to move up to 3rd bottom, level on points with Bournemoooth and Norwich just above us and above the SMBs who drop to 2nd bottom a point behind!

A totally unexpected result in this topsy, torvy season---wot next @ White Hart Lane next Sunday when we tek on Sporz, who are unbeaten at home in 8 games!?--Who naaz with this lot?, but at least we had a bit of fightin' spirit at last!

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat, Dummett, Coloccini, Mbemba, Sissoko, Colback (Gouffran 77), Anita, Wijnaldum, De Jong (Perez 68), Cisse (Thourvin 82)

Attendance: 51,273 (wor biggest crowd of the season by nearly 900) (3,200 Liverbirds) <(half that number by full time!) *

THE TOON v THE LIVERBIRDS *** THIS AFTERNOOON @ '4 BELLS'!

Posted '9:44am bells' Sunday 6th December 2015

HAPPIER DAYS! *** LAST SEASON WE WON 1-0!

A mixed set of results on Saturday mean that we are firmly entrenched in the bottom 3 until at least next week, as even an unlikely win today would still see us in the relegation zone followin' Bournemoooth's suprize win at Chelski last neet, which lifts them to 4th bottom, 3 points clear of us, level with Norwich and both with a better goal difference than us! (unless WE win by a cricket score today!) <(very highly unlikely!)

We actually beat today's opponents 1-0 @ SJP last season, with Perez scorin' the anly goal of the game to claim the 3 points, but with wor current form and their current form the 'cricket score' mentioned iz likely to be for them, shud we implode once again!

We will find oot @ '6 bells' when the match iz ower and hope (somehow!) that these 'feisty' trainin' sessions 'championed' by 'The Brollyless Wally', finally pays off!

Match report an pix will be on-line sometime tomorrow az per usual

"GEORDIE TIMES' EXCLUUUSIVE! *** CARVER HOPES TO 'RE-BUILD' IN MLS

Posted '9:22pm bells' Friday 4th December 2015

John 'the pie' Carver, wor failed manager from last season, who lost 8 games in a row and nearly got us relegated from a relatively safe position when he took ower, says he wants to try hiz luck again in America!
He waz at FC Toronto 6 years ago in the MLS (Major League Soccer) and fancies a retorn to North America
"I want to go somewhere where I can build something!" he told 'Goal USA'---and 'The Geordie Times' haz foond the perfect place for him to 'build' in New York City!

A Lego model of The Empire State Building, New York!
(MLS = Miniature Lego Skyscraper!)

THE TOON v THE LIVERBIRDS *** SUNDAY AFTERNOOON!

Posted '1:15pm bells' Thorsday 3rd December 2015
(Updated Friday 'high noon bells')

A READY MADE EXCUSE!


"My excuse THIS time?"---"The ball was the wrong shape!"

Followin' on from Palace's record 5-1 win in The Premyaa Leegue against 'us'! and wor record defeat against 'them' (wor previous worst waz a 3-1 revorse!), we face a rejuvenated Scouse outfit who won 6-1 @ Sooothampton in the Leegue Cup qwaataa finals on Wednesday neet!So shud we lose heavily on Sunday (az iz expected by many!) then McClaren haz a ready made excuse, pointin' to 'The Liverbirds' huge win on the south coast az the reason, when he does hiz usual 'smiley' post match interview on the telly!

Things are so desperate @ The Toon that we have recalled Mike Williamson from hiz loan spell at Wolves to try and shore up wor 'sieve like' defence! <(the same 'Mike Williamson' who we tried to sell in the summer az he waz deemed "Surplus to requirements!")

Havin' won just 19% of wor games this calendar year, which iz the worst in wor entire 123 year history!, we look for just wor FOURTH leegue win of the year @ SJP and SECOND home win of this season!
(This iz wor EIGHTH home game, by the way!)

To get that 'top 8' finish which we were promised in September (see article below!) we need to average TWO points a game til the end of the season!---which iz 'title winnin' form'!!!
Az wor average so far iz HALF A POINT a game, then that 'promise' looks a bit 'broken' at the minute---divvint yoo 'fink'???

More to follow on aall this dribble in the next couple of days!


Updated 'high noon bells' Friday

'The Wally (withoot!) the Brolly's desperate, depressin' and bizarre quotes:

After the 5-1 defeat at Palace he said: "That was not us!, That is not Newcastle United!" <(So if it's 'not Newcastle United' then I wasted approx. £150 on tickets, travel, food and beer and got oot of bed at '3:30 bells' in the mornin' to travel doon to London to watch anothaa team!---Who the hell waz I watchin' then, Steve??? 

"Nobody is happy at this football club!" <(Tooo true!)

"All of a sudden we have went three steps forward and five or six steps back!" <(ONE step forward---TEN steps back, more like!)

"People question a lack of fight and character from these players and it appears that way!" <(Doesn't say much aboot your leadership then, does it?)

"But these are young players, this is what they are going through!" <(The clubs policy IZ to buy YOUNG PLAYERS!---yoo knew that when yoo took the job!)

"We believe in these players, but confidence is very fragile!" <(WHY!?--It's surely your job to instil some confidence in them!!!---Yoo ARE the 'gaffer' after aall!)

Footnote: Mike Williamson who waz recalled from Wolves because of wor injury crisis will MISS the game on Sunday az he tweeked hiz hamstring just minutes after returnin' for trainin'!---Yoo coulnd'nt make it up! <(not that he's much good anyway!)

"BOARD'-ERING ON THE RIDICULOUS!" ************ A MESSAGE FROM PENFOLD

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 2nd December 2015

Exactly 3 months ago today, wor 'beloved'? MD known affectionately to Toon fans az 'Penfold' sent me a 'personal' e-mail which went like this:

Message 02/09/2015

'A NEW CHAPTER!'

A MESSAGE FROM THE BOARDROOM

Dear 'Fink'

As the transfer window closes, we are delighted by what we think has been a very strong summer of business for our club.

We've secured ourselves four exceptional senior players in Georginio Wijnaldum, Aleksander Mitrovic, Chancel Mbemba and Florian Thourvin, as well as landing the exciting emerging talent of Ivan Toney.

I hope you have been impressed by what you have seen from them so far. We are confident that they will continue to improve and will add significantly to the quality and success of the team. 

In addition we are delighted to agree a new deal with our captain, Fabricio Coloccini and one of the figurehead's of our club. 

(He went on to say)
Our strategy is clear---Quality over quantity---We want the best young players available to us.
We have brought in high calibre players who will make an immediate impact.


Steve and his team

We have set Steve a target of a top eight finish and to win a trophy.


A new chapter

Your support is magnificent and truly valued. On behalf of the board and my colleagues I hope that this can be a new chapter of positivity and progression for Newcastle United on and off the pitch.

Best wishes

'Penfold' your 'beloved' MD 



A MESSAGE FROM 'FINK'

"I await in anticipation and with baited breath for your next personal e-mail to me!"  <(THREE MONTHS AND STILL WAITIN'!?)

THE CRYSTAL BALLS 5 THE TOON 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Updated '10:38am bells' Black Munday 30th November 2015

ONE SUNDAY 'RAG' SEZ IT AALL!

"BLACK    SATURDAY!"

Just when yoo thought it couldn't possibly get ANY WORSE---then it does!--The 'feisty' trainin' sessions ordered by 'The Brollyless Wally' through aall of last week obviously did us the world of good after the Lestaa debacle last Saturday!

We actually started off well and scored after just 10 minutes when Papiss Cisse heeded home at the Holmesdale Road End to send the 2,800 diehards in the away enclosure into raptures!

THE TOON ATTACK THE HOLMESDALE ROAD END DURIN'
THE FORST HALF (view from row 3)

HOWEVER!---just SEVEN minutes later we foond worsels 2-1 DOON az Palace fought back straight away when a deflected McArthur shot hit Dummett and flew past Elliot in The Toon goal to level things just 4 minutes after wor opener!---worse waz to follow just 3 minutes after this when Bolasie fired home from 10 yards oot!--Wor heeds dropped after the 2nd goal and it waz anly a matter of time til the home side got anothaa!---and it came in the 40th minute when Zaha slammed the baall off the ground and it rebounded into wor net!

Really, it waz 'game ower' by now az wor disfuctual <(hope av spelt that reet!?) team couldn't find an answer--once again!

At half time McClaren replaced attacker Perez with defender Lascelles? <(damage limitation or wot???)---- it did no good---coz!---Within seconds of the restart it waz 4-1 to 'The Crystal Balls' when an unmarked Bolasie heeded past Elliot to 'put the game to bed' for certain!

A VERY RARE ATTACK IN THE 2nd HALF!
(IZ THAT SHEARER IN FRONT OF US?)

FANS IMPLOSION!

Toon fans beside me and in front of me started arguin' aboot McClaren and "shud he stay or shud he go!" and a fracas <(we naa aall the big words!) nearly ensued az more disagreein' fans got involved and stewards had to intervene to stop fights startin'!---HAZ IT REALLY COME TO THIS!---wor own fans fightin' with each othaa ower wor abysmal form?
Chants of: "We're s**t and we're sick of it!", "Your not fit to wear the shirts!" and a couple of vorses tellin'  'The Fat Controller', to: "Get out of our club!--yoo fat cockney bustard!" then followed!

Anyway!---it waz 5-1 deep into stoppage time when McArthur completed wor humiliation to send us 2nd bottom of the division with just 'The Hazbeenz and Villians' below us!
McClaren's 'feisty' trainin' sessions through the week have obviously had there effect!

After the match we heeded for 'Warren Street' on the tube to drown wor sorrows (yet again!) in several drinking establisments in the vicinity, where we drank some very appropriately named beers! ---

"WE MUST BE MAD FOLLOWIN' THIS LOT!"

before catchin' the '9 bells' train back to The Toon from King's Cross!--a jorney we will have to repeat in just a fortneets time from today, when we travel to Sporz in "norf Landan!"!  ---"HELP!"

PS: Anybody finkin' that we shud 'hoy' a few resorve players 'into the mix' against 'The Liverbirds' next Sunday had better 'fink' again, az they were comprehensively beaten 3-0 at Macclesfield on Saturday against Stoke resorves---(a new groond we could'nt gan te, az it clashed with the 1st team game at Palace!)  

Toon 'team'?: Elliot, Janmaat, Mbemba, Coloccini, Dummett, Colback (Gouffran 70), Anita, Sissoko, Wijnaldum (De Jong 70), Perez (Lascelles 46), Cisse
(Unused subs included £13 million man Thaurvin and £12 million man Mitrovic!--- Wot does THAT tell yoo aboot wor transfor policy under Graham Carr?) <"it's NOT funny, man!"

Attendance: 24,833 (2,800 thouroughleee p*st off Toon fans!)

PS SPECIAL THANX TO 'MAL THE INGLISH SKOOL TEECHAA' FOR THE TOP HEADLINE HE'D THOUGHT UP BEFORE THE MATCH HAD EVEN STARTED!


Post match Warren Street tube 'pub crawl'


Prince of Wales Feathers

Sorry aboot the blurred picture, but we were 'canny sorved'
 by the time we got here!

THE CRYSTAL BALLS v THE TOON *** THIS COMIN' SATURDAY!

Updated 'high noon bells' Friday 27th November 2015


After the alleged bust up on the trainin' groond between wor beleaguered manager and some of the players, we heed to the far south of London toon to take on a Pardew's Palace side who are smartin' from an unexplained and unexpected defeat by the SMBs on Munday neet!

'We' of course are smartin' from an 'explained' and 'expected' 3-0 defeat by Lestaa last weekend and wor manager/heed coach/general dogsbody will be (somehow!?) tryin' to rally the troops from the debacle of last week!

Aall 2,800 away places in The Arthur Wait Stand have been sold and the game we understand iz a complete selloot!

ACTION @ SELHURST PARK LAST SEASON
 (A 1-1 DRAW---CISSE SCORED WOR GOAL)

We are nuw just ONE point above the abyss and are gannin' for wor 2nd away win in a row---this waz last achieved a year ago when we beat Sporz and West Brom in October/ November 2014!

With just TWO wins oot of THORTEEN in the leegue so far, theeze are desperate times indeed for everyone affiliated to NUFC

We are on the '6:30 bells' train in the morning, arrivin' in 'The Smoke' 3 hours later! 
Az per usual aall trains back from King's Cross after the match are 'DRY'! <(ie: NE alcoholic liquid lubrication allowed!)

'The Geordie Times' forst visited Selhurst Park 45 years ago in 1970 and an archive match report on that game iz featured below!

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPER NEWS *** ILKESTON DATE CONFORMED!

Posted '12:22pm bells' Tuesday 24th November 2015

"WE'RE OFF TO 'THE MANOR BORN'!"

Wor club 'insider' haz telt us that wor FA Youth Cup 3rd roond tie away to Ilkeston will be played on Wednesday 16th December with a '7:45 bells' kick off @ The New Manor Groond.
Yoo can be sure that 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' will be there in force (aall 10 of us!) and we can anly hope that bad weather doesn't scupper wor plans like last week, when wor U15s friendly against the SMBs U15s @ South Shields waz cancelled the day before because of a waaterlogged pitch!

'The mad-sad groundhopper's 9 seater mini bus will transport most  of us to deepest Derbyshire, while the rest will make it under their own steam!---There are sure to be a  few Geordie exiles in the crowd az well and there is ne doubt that non leegue Ilkeston will be 'ower the moon' to be playin' a Premyaa Leegue club in the competition!

More to follow on aall this az the date of the game gets closer!

Meeeenwhile!---anothaa groond for those of yoo who havvent been there, comes up 5 days later when wor U21s travel to Southport FC on Monday December 21st (Kick off TBC) to face Everton U21s in a Leegue Cup tie.
(We saw wor resorves play Liverpool resorves @ Southport a few years back!) 

"EXCUSES!--EXCUSES!--AND MORE EXCUSES!"

Posted '11:04am bells' Munday 23rd November 2015

SUNDAY MORNIN' --- WHITLEY BAY! ---

The Wally (withoot) the brolly haz come oot and spoken aboot yet anothaa disastrous display to add to the many this season!

McClaren on the Lestaa debacle: "It was the worst performance we've had this season!" <(oh no it isn't!---Bournemoooth and wor game v Sheff Wed resorves in the Leegue Cup were worse!)

McClaren: "Believe you me the message to them (the players) is back on the training field on Monday!" <(In total we have played 15 competitive games and 7 pre season friendlies---surely they have had enough 'trainin' to get it right by now!?)

McClaren: "All we can do is lick our wounds and work hard!" <(Lickin' wor wounds is now a weekly occurrence!)

McClaren: "We have seen it in the last five or six games, and even by digging in to get the result at Bournemouth!---They showed a different set of qualities there!" <(WOT QUALITIES AT BOURNEMOOOTH???? 

McClaren: "At the moment we don't know what we are going to get!" <(The fans de Steve----MEDIOCRITY!)