THE TOON v THE LIVERBIRDS *** SUNDAY AFTERNOOON!

Posted '1:15pm bells' Thorsday 3rd December 2015
(Updated Friday 'high noon bells')

A READY MADE EXCUSE!


"My excuse THIS time?"---"The ball was the wrong shape!"

Followin' on from Palace's record 5-1 win in The Premyaa Leegue against 'us'! and wor record defeat against 'them' (wor previous worst waz a 3-1 revorse!), we face a rejuvenated Scouse outfit who won 6-1 @ Sooothampton in the Leegue Cup qwaataa finals on Wednesday neet!So shud we lose heavily on Sunday (az iz expected by many!) then McClaren haz a ready made excuse, pointin' to 'The Liverbirds' huge win on the south coast az the reason, when he does hiz usual 'smiley' post match interview on the telly!

Things are so desperate @ The Toon that we have recalled Mike Williamson from hiz loan spell at Wolves to try and shore up wor 'sieve like' defence! <(the same 'Mike Williamson' who we tried to sell in the summer az he waz deemed "Surplus to requirements!")

Havin' won just 19% of wor games this calendar year, which iz the worst in wor entire 123 year history!, we look for just wor FOURTH leegue win of the year @ SJP and SECOND home win of this season!
(This iz wor EIGHTH home game, by the way!)

To get that 'top 8' finish which we were promised in September (see article below!) we need to average TWO points a game til the end of the season!---which iz 'title winnin' form'!!!
Az wor average so far iz HALF A POINT a game, then that 'promise' looks a bit 'broken' at the minute---divvint yoo 'fink'???

More to follow on aall this dribble in the next couple of days!


Updated 'high noon bells' Friday

'The Wally (withoot!) the Brolly's desperate, depressin' and bizarre quotes:

After the 5-1 defeat at Palace he said: "That was not us!, That is not Newcastle United!" <(So if it's 'not Newcastle United' then I wasted approx. £150 on tickets, travel, food and beer and got oot of bed at '3:30 bells' in the mornin' to travel doon to London to watch anothaa team!---Who the hell waz I watchin' then, Steve??? 

"Nobody is happy at this football club!" <(Tooo true!)

"All of a sudden we have went three steps forward and five or six steps back!" <(ONE step forward---TEN steps back, more like!)

"People question a lack of fight and character from these players and it appears that way!" <(Doesn't say much aboot your leadership then, does it?)

"But these are young players, this is what they are going through!" <(The clubs policy IZ to buy YOUNG PLAYERS!---yoo knew that when yoo took the job!)

"We believe in these players, but confidence is very fragile!" <(WHY!?--It's surely your job to instil some confidence in them!!!---Yoo ARE the 'gaffer' after aall!)

Footnote: Mike Williamson who waz recalled from Wolves because of wor injury crisis will MISS the game on Sunday az he tweeked hiz hamstring just minutes after returnin' for trainin'!---Yoo coulnd'nt make it up! <(not that he's much good anyway!)

"BOARD'-ERING ON THE RIDICULOUS!" ************ A MESSAGE FROM PENFOLD

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 2nd December 2015

Exactly 3 months ago today, wor 'beloved'? MD known affectionately to Toon fans az 'Penfold' sent me a 'personal' e-mail which went like this:

Message 02/09/2015

'A NEW CHAPTER!'

A MESSAGE FROM THE BOARDROOM

Dear 'Fink'

As the transfer window closes, we are delighted by what we think has been a very strong summer of business for our club.

We've secured ourselves four exceptional senior players in Georginio Wijnaldum, Aleksander Mitrovic, Chancel Mbemba and Florian Thourvin, as well as landing the exciting emerging talent of Ivan Toney.

I hope you have been impressed by what you have seen from them so far. We are confident that they will continue to improve and will add significantly to the quality and success of the team. 

In addition we are delighted to agree a new deal with our captain, Fabricio Coloccini and one of the figurehead's of our club. 

(He went on to say)
Our strategy is clear---Quality over quantity---We want the best young players available to us.
We have brought in high calibre players who will make an immediate impact.


Steve and his team

We have set Steve a target of a top eight finish and to win a trophy.


A new chapter

Your support is magnificent and truly valued. On behalf of the board and my colleagues I hope that this can be a new chapter of positivity and progression for Newcastle United on and off the pitch.

Best wishes

'Penfold' your 'beloved' MD 



A MESSAGE FROM 'FINK'

"I await in anticipation and with baited breath for your next personal e-mail to me!"  <(THREE MONTHS AND STILL WAITIN'!?)

THE CRYSTAL BALLS 5 THE TOON 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Updated '10:38am bells' Black Munday 30th November 2015

ONE SUNDAY 'RAG' SEZ IT AALL!

"BLACK    SATURDAY!"

Just when yoo thought it couldn't possibly get ANY WORSE---then it does!--The 'feisty' trainin' sessions ordered by 'The Brollyless Wally' through aall of last week obviously did us the world of good after the Lestaa debacle last Saturday!

We actually started off well and scored after just 10 minutes when Papiss Cisse heeded home at the Holmesdale Road End to send the 2,800 diehards in the away enclosure into raptures!

THE TOON ATTACK THE HOLMESDALE ROAD END DURIN'
THE FORST HALF (view from row 3)

HOWEVER!---just SEVEN minutes later we foond worsels 2-1 DOON az Palace fought back straight away when a deflected McArthur shot hit Dummett and flew past Elliot in The Toon goal to level things just 4 minutes after wor opener!---worse waz to follow just 3 minutes after this when Bolasie fired home from 10 yards oot!--Wor heeds dropped after the 2nd goal and it waz anly a matter of time til the home side got anothaa!---and it came in the 40th minute when Zaha slammed the baall off the ground and it rebounded into wor net!

Really, it waz 'game ower' by now az wor disfuctual <(hope av spelt that reet!?) team couldn't find an answer--once again!

At half time McClaren replaced attacker Perez with defender Lascelles? <(damage limitation or wot???)---- it did no good---coz!---Within seconds of the restart it waz 4-1 to 'The Crystal Balls' when an unmarked Bolasie heeded past Elliot to 'put the game to bed' for certain!

A VERY RARE ATTACK IN THE 2nd HALF!
(IZ THAT SHEARER IN FRONT OF US?)

FANS IMPLOSION!

Toon fans beside me and in front of me started arguin' aboot McClaren and "shud he stay or shud he go!" and a fracas <(we naa aall the big words!) nearly ensued az more disagreein' fans got involved and stewards had to intervene to stop fights startin'!---HAZ IT REALLY COME TO THIS!---wor own fans fightin' with each othaa ower wor abysmal form?
Chants of: "We're s**t and we're sick of it!", "Your not fit to wear the shirts!" and a couple of vorses tellin'  'The Fat Controller', to: "Get out of our club!--yoo fat cockney bustard!" then followed!

Anyway!---it waz 5-1 deep into stoppage time when McArthur completed wor humiliation to send us 2nd bottom of the division with just 'The Hazbeenz and Villians' below us!
McClaren's 'feisty' trainin' sessions through the week have obviously had there effect!

After the match we heeded for 'Warren Street' on the tube to drown wor sorrows (yet again!) in several drinking establisments in the vicinity, where we drank some very appropriately named beers! ---

"WE MUST BE MAD FOLLOWIN' THIS LOT!"

before catchin' the '9 bells' train back to The Toon from King's Cross!--a jorney we will have to repeat in just a fortneets time from today, when we travel to Sporz in "norf Landan!"!  ---"HELP!"

PS: Anybody finkin' that we shud 'hoy' a few resorve players 'into the mix' against 'The Liverbirds' next Sunday had better 'fink' again, az they were comprehensively beaten 3-0 at Macclesfield on Saturday against Stoke resorves---(a new groond we could'nt gan te, az it clashed with the 1st team game at Palace!)  

Toon 'team'?: Elliot, Janmaat, Mbemba, Coloccini, Dummett, Colback (Gouffran 70), Anita, Sissoko, Wijnaldum (De Jong 70), Perez (Lascelles 46), Cisse
(Unused subs included £13 million man Thaurvin and £12 million man Mitrovic!--- Wot does THAT tell yoo aboot wor transfor policy under Graham Carr?) <"it's NOT funny, man!"

Attendance: 24,833 (2,800 thouroughleee p*st off Toon fans!)

PS SPECIAL THANX TO 'MAL THE INGLISH SKOOL TEECHAA' FOR THE TOP HEADLINE HE'D THOUGHT UP BEFORE THE MATCH HAD EVEN STARTED!


Post match Warren Street tube 'pub crawl'


Prince of Wales Feathers

Sorry aboot the blurred picture, but we were 'canny sorved'
 by the time we got here!

THE CRYSTAL BALLS v THE TOON *** THIS COMIN' SATURDAY!

Updated 'high noon bells' Friday 27th November 2015


After the alleged bust up on the trainin' groond between wor beleaguered manager and some of the players, we heed to the far south of London toon to take on a Pardew's Palace side who are smartin' from an unexplained and unexpected defeat by the SMBs on Munday neet!

'We' of course are smartin' from an 'explained' and 'expected' 3-0 defeat by Lestaa last weekend and wor manager/heed coach/general dogsbody will be (somehow!?) tryin' to rally the troops from the debacle of last week!

Aall 2,800 away places in The Arthur Wait Stand have been sold and the game we understand iz a complete selloot!

ACTION @ SELHURST PARK LAST SEASON
 (A 1-1 DRAW---CISSE SCORED WOR GOAL)

We are nuw just ONE point above the abyss and are gannin' for wor 2nd away win in a row---this waz last achieved a year ago when we beat Sporz and West Brom in October/ November 2014!

With just TWO wins oot of THORTEEN in the leegue so far, theeze are desperate times indeed for everyone affiliated to NUFC

We are on the '6:30 bells' train in the morning, arrivin' in 'The Smoke' 3 hours later! 
Az per usual aall trains back from King's Cross after the match are 'DRY'! <(ie: NE alcoholic liquid lubrication allowed!)

'The Geordie Times' forst visited Selhurst Park 45 years ago in 1970 and an archive match report on that game iz featured below!

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPER NEWS *** ILKESTON DATE CONFORMED!

Posted '12:22pm bells' Tuesday 24th November 2015

"WE'RE OFF TO 'THE MANOR BORN'!"

Wor club 'insider' haz telt us that wor FA Youth Cup 3rd roond tie away to Ilkeston will be played on Wednesday 16th December with a '7:45 bells' kick off @ The New Manor Groond.
Yoo can be sure that 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' will be there in force (aall 10 of us!) and we can anly hope that bad weather doesn't scupper wor plans like last week, when wor U15s friendly against the SMBs U15s @ South Shields waz cancelled the day before because of a waaterlogged pitch!

'The mad-sad groundhopper's 9 seater mini bus will transport most  of us to deepest Derbyshire, while the rest will make it under their own steam!---There are sure to be a  few Geordie exiles in the crowd az well and there is ne doubt that non leegue Ilkeston will be 'ower the moon' to be playin' a Premyaa Leegue club in the competition!

More to follow on aall this az the date of the game gets closer!

Meeeenwhile!---anothaa groond for those of yoo who havvent been there, comes up 5 days later when wor U21s travel to Southport FC on Monday December 21st (Kick off TBC) to face Everton U21s in a Leegue Cup tie.
(We saw wor resorves play Liverpool resorves @ Southport a few years back!) 

"EXCUSES!--EXCUSES!--AND MORE EXCUSES!"

Posted '11:04am bells' Munday 23rd November 2015

SUNDAY MORNIN' --- WHITLEY BAY! ---

The Wally (withoot) the brolly haz come oot and spoken aboot yet anothaa disastrous display to add to the many this season!

McClaren on the Lestaa debacle: "It was the worst performance we've had this season!" <(oh no it isn't!---Bournemoooth and wor game v Sheff Wed resorves in the Leegue Cup were worse!)

McClaren: "Believe you me the message to them (the players) is back on the training field on Monday!" <(In total we have played 15 competitive games and 7 pre season friendlies---surely they have had enough 'trainin' to get it right by now!?)

McClaren: "All we can do is lick our wounds and work hard!" <(Lickin' wor wounds is now a weekly occurrence!)

McClaren: "We have seen it in the last five or six games, and even by digging in to get the result at Bournemouth!---They showed a different set of qualities there!" <(WOT QUALITIES AT BOURNEMOOOTH???? 

McClaren: "At the moment we don't know what we are going to get!" <(The fans de Steve----MEDIOCRITY!)

THE TOON 0 THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE 3 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Posted '10:35am bells' Sunday 22nd November 2015

"EVERY PICTURE TELLS A STORY!"

SPOT THE CROWD! ---ROB ELLIOT PREPARES TO TAKE
A GOAL KICK IN THE 88th MINUTE

Where the hell do we start this time!?---Yet anothaa bitterly disappointin' performance on a bitterly cold day @ St James' Park and aall the talk and hype aboot us 'turnin' the corner' have come to nothin' once again, az just aroond that corner iz a trap door with 'CHAMPIONSHIP' written on it!

THE PLAYERS LINE UP IN THE CENTRE CIRCLE AZ
THE FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM IZ PLAYED
TO LOUD APPLAUSE FROM THE 50,000 CROWD! 

From the word 'go' Lestaa went for the win and pounded wor goal @ The Leazes End. They finally made the breakthrough deep into injury time in the forst half when Jamie Vardy equalled Ruud Van Nistelrooy's record of scorin' 10 games in a row, when he fired a shot into the corner of the net with Elliot beaten in The Toon goal (Van Nistelroy scored hiz 10th 'in a row' @ SJP az well!)

Just after he scored the ref blew for half time and Vardy waz greeted by polite applause from many Toon fans az he left the pitch!
Up until this point 'we' had had NO shots on target @ The Gallowgate End!

The 2nd half wasn't any better az Lestaa went for the 'jugular' and a free heeder from a completleee unmarked Ulloa made it 0-2 and 'game ower' in the 62nd minute az we STILL hadn't had a shot on goal up till this point!
The 3,000 strong 'Basil Brush Brigade' in level 7 of The Leazes were in good voice by this time: "Your s**t and you know you are!", they mocked---and we couldn't argue with them!---could we!?

And then in the 71st minute we finally had wor one and anly effort on target. Dummett's cross foond Thourvin in the Lestaa box, but hiz effort waz deflected ower for a corner. From the resultin' corner Wijnaldum's heeder waz stopped on the line by a combination of  Schmeichel  and Fuch! <(end of NUFC shots on target!)

A RARE NUFC ATTACK @ THE LEAZES END

The 3rd and final 'nail in wor coffin' came in the 83rd minute when Okazaki scrambled the baall ower the line to complete anothaa 'disaster day' for The Toon az the groond very quickly emptied!

SUMMARY:
The heighted security followin' on from the Paris massacre waz virtually non existent (just like wor defence, midfield and attack!) az we entered the groond!
One 'old biddy' aged aboot 75 behind me in the queue waz asked by a security steward if she minded if he looked inside hor handbag!
"No!" she said and then added: "There's some sweeties in there if you would like one!", but he declined and he simply looked into hor bag withoot searchin' it!
Anothaa fan in front of me who hadn't had hiz expensive 5p Asda carrier bag searched, offered it to the steward for a look inside, but he waz told that it waz "OK!" and waved past!

Alan Shearer aalso had hiz say on 'Match of the Day' and like we said at the top of the page, 'every picture tells a story'!


SHEARER'S SUMMARY!

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat, Coloccini, Dummett, Mbemba, Sissoko, Anita, Tiote (Thaurvin 20), Wijnaldum, Perez (De Jong 81), Mitrovic (Cisse 62)

Attendance: 50,151 (includin' 3,220 very happy members of the 'Basil Brush Brigade' who now find themselz 'top o the leegue'!)

PS: By the end of the game there were anly 20,000 or so still in the home sections of the groond!

THE TOON v THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE *** THIS AFTERNOOON!

Updated '9:11am bells' Saturday 21st November 2015

ACTION AGAINST 'THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE' FROM LAST SEASON---
WE WON 1-0 (OBERTAN)

After a fortneets break it's back to 'the grind' of The Premyaa Leegue when we take on high flyin' Lestaa @ St James' Park!

Az I speak, light snowflakes can be seen ootside mee window az they blow doon the sacred river Tyne in a howlin' wind---and a freeezin' caad afternoon will surely follow @ 'The Cathedral on the hill'! 
<<<(SO! make sure that yoo wrap up waam!)

A very fortuitous win @ Bournemoooth a fortneet ago will hopefully finally 'kick start' wor woeful season!
(just 1 home and 1 away win oot of 12!)

However! wor visitors on Saturday have anly lost anly 1 game so far this season and are in 3rd place compared to wor 17th position, just above the drop zone.
'The Basil Brush Brigade' have sold their entire allocation of 3,220 seats in level 7 of The Leazes End, >>>>>>>>>>>
while tickets still remain on sale for the home sections! (We predict a 48,000 plus crowd)

NUFC will be attemptin' to win 'back to back' games for the forst time since last November, while Jamie Vardy will be attemptin' to score in hiz TENTH successive Premyaa Leegue game for Lestaa and equal a record set by Van Nistolrooy in 2003 <(lets hope he DOESN'T!)

On a bright note we will be gannin for a SIXTH consecutive home win ower wor visitors, but this one will surely be the hardest off all to win!---we shall soon find oot!
Indeed!---in the last 35 years, Lestaa have anly managed to win twice in 20 attempts @ SJP, while we have won 15 times in that period!

We have just foond oot that the French national anthem 'Le Marseillaise' will be played before the match in support of the people of France followin' the terrible
events that happened in Paris last week!---
We of course have 5 Frenchmen who could be in wor squad tomorrow, namely, Sissoko, Gouffran, Haidara, Thauvin and Riviere.
Aall othaa Premyaa Leegue games will do likewise ower the weekend! (there are 72 Frenchmen who play in the Premyaa Leegue in total)

A full 'Geordie Times' match report and pix will appear here sometime on Sunday mornin'/afternoon/evenin'!? <(dependin' on the result!)

U15s DERBY GAME OFF!---"BUT! WE'RE OFF TO 'THE MANOR BORN' INSTEAD!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 19th November 2015

NEW GROOND!---NEW GROOND!---NEW MANOR GROOND, ILKESTON

Devastatin' news reached 'The Geordie Times' last neet @ Woodall Services on the M1 via text message @ 'midneet bells' from 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer', az aa stopped for a break! 
Wor U15s game scheduled for tooneet against the SMBs U15 side @ Sooth Shields'z, Mariners Park groond, had been caalled off because of a wataerlogged pitch!
I waz retornin' from Redditch in deepest Worcestershire on mee night truck run from Gatesheed when mee phone light 'flashed up' a message in response to my question, askin' if he waz gannin' and if aa waz completely mad thinkin' aboot it!--- he replied: "Your definitely mad coz the game is off!"
A days holiday 'doon the swanny' to visit a new NUFC groond meenz a'll be left 'kickin mee heels' in 'The Strawberry', 'The 3 Bulls' and 'The Hotspur' this evenin' instead! <(It's a hard life!)

Some better news however then appeared on mee 'tellin bone' sayin' that Ilkeston had hammered Shrewsbury 4-1 in the FA Youth Cup last neet and The Toon's U18s would be heedin' there in the next roond of the competition in December (Ilkeston iz much nearer than Shrewsbury, like!)
To 'The Manor Born' here we come (The New Manor Groond, Ilkeston that iz!)

'TO THE MANOR BORN'!

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPER NEWS-----TO 'THE MANOR BORN' OR 'THE GREENHOUS GAS'?

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 18th November 2015


THE MANOR GROOND, ILKESTON

Later tooneet we will find oot wor opponents in the FA Youth Cup 3rd roond when Ilkeston Toon take on Shrewsbury Toon in a 2nd roond tie @ The Manor Groond.
The winners will host The Toon's youth team at home sometime in December, so we will be gannin' to ethaa 'The Manor Born' or 'The Greenhous Gas' come Xmas (Shrewsbury play @ Greenhous Meadow)

Both are new groonds of course for the 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' and we will let yoo naa straight away when we find oot the result, az the game MUST be decided on the neet!


"Watch this space!"