Wednesday, 11 November 2015

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

mACKEM CONSPIRACY THEORIES!

Posted '12:26pm bells' Tuesday 10th November 2015

News reaches The Geordie Times that goalkeepin' hero from Bournemoooth, Rob Elliot haz been drafted into the Republic of Ireland Euro 2016 squad by Martin O'Neill, despite protests from Steve 'ne brolly' McClaren that he iz unfit for duty!
Rob iz at the moment bein' wrapped 'in cotton wool' for wor game against Lestaa a week on Saturday, but despite this O'Neill, a self confessed mackem fan and ex mackem manager haz demanded he reports for duty for Ireland's vital games on Friday and next Munday!

Of course if wor 3rd choice keeper shud get injured furthaa on International duty then 4th choice 18 year old Freddie Woodman would be drafted in---not the ideal situation!

Conspiracy theories or wot???? 

Sunday, 8 November 2015

BOURNEMOOOTH 0 THE TOON 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Posted 'high noon bells' remembrance Sunday 8th November 2015
THE TOON'S ANLY ATTACK IN THE 2nd HALF (white shirts)
THE CLOCK MENTIONED BELOW IZ IN THE CORNER!

"BEAT THE CLOCK!"

One of the most inept Toon performances we have ever witnessed happened yesterday on the south coast of Ing-er-land when somehow we managed to win an away game for the forst time in 10 months!

We were absolutleee pathetic! (apart from Rob Elliot in wor goal who had a blinder!) az Bournemoooth pounded wor goal in the forst period and it looked anly a matter of time before they scored az corner after corner waz defended chaotically by wor defence and saved by Rob time and time again!

"WE WILL REMEMBER THEM!"

The breakthrough came ---at the othaa end! when a 1-2-3 combination between Wijnaldum, Mitrovic and Perez resulted in Perez's weakish shot tricklin' ower the goal line to send the 1,362 diehards in the visitors enclosure into ecstasy az we celebrated wor SECOND away goal of the season!

That waz it!---after this it waz aall Bournemoooth az they tried desperately for an equaliser and somehow we managed to get to the half time interval still aheed!
1st HALF ACTION AZ THE TOON ATTACK? THE RIGHT HAND GOAL

Az mentioned, if it wasn't for 3rd choice keeper Rob Elliot in wor goal, we would have been beaten for sure az he made at least six forst class saves to save wor bacon! <(and he waz carryin' an injury!)

The 2nd half waz a case of 'beat the clock' az we again did nothing at aall and continued to give possession away time after time!

Again' Rob saved the day and it waz like the 'Alamo' at times az we somehow kept them at bay! 

We watched agonisingly az the clock in the corner ticked doon az the home side laid siege to wor goal and surely they would score at some point aa thought! <(I watched the clock more than the match in this half!)
I waz thankfully WRANG aboot them scorin' and after a ridiculous SIX minutes of stoppage time waz added by the ref, he finally blew for full time much to the relief of the players and fans alike!

Honestly!---this WAZ one of the worst ever Toon performances a'v ever seen, so to win it waz a surreal situation az we climbed oot of the relegation zone at last!

Bournemoooth had at least SIXTEEN corners durin' the game compared to wor ZERO count, plus wor ANLY shot on target waz wor goal, whereas they had dozens!

On the lang jorney back we stopped off in London toon for a few celebratory 'liquid lubrications' before eventually crossin' The High Level Bridge @ 'midneet bells'----a total jorney time of nineteen and a qwaataa hours and 720 miles! (We'd left on the 4:45 am bells train to gan doon!)

Toon team: Elliot*****, Janmaat, Mbemba, Coloccini, Dummett, Sissoko, Tiote, Anita (Mbabu 93), Wijnaldum, Mitrovic (Cisse 63), Perez (Thourvin 77)

Attendance: 11,155 (1,365 relieved Toon fans!) *
Bournemoooth's groond iz the 53rd Premyaa Leegue ground that The Toon have played on. ('The Geordie Times' have been to the lot!) We're not 100% sure but we think that this attendance iz the lowest ever for an NUFC Premyaa Leegue game!


The pre and post match gargels in Boscombe (where Bournemoooth play) took place in theeze two 'liquid lubrication locations'

  



And then it waz off to 'The Smoke'
CHESHIRE CHEESE, EMBANKMENT, LONDON

THE HOLE IN THE WALL, WATERLOO, LONDON


 


MYSTERY PUB (CANT REMEMBER NAME!) SOMEWHERE IN LONDON?
("HIC!")

Updated Tuesday:
WOT A DIFFERENCE A WIN MAKES!
 
The Geordie Times pageviews doubled yesterday from the previous week!---We can anly put this doon to wor fortuitous win @ Bournemoooth! ---KEEP THE FAITH!

Friday, 6 November 2015

BOURNEMOOOTH v THE TOON *** SATURDAY DINNAATIME?

Updated '1:27pm bells' Friday 6th November 2015

"AALL WE ARE SAYIN'---IZ GIVE US A GOAL!"

On Saturday we must get up at the ungodly hour of '3 am bells' to catch the '4:45 bells' train to King's Cross and then onward to Bournemoooth for the ridiculous '12:45' bells' dinnatime kick off---for the convenience of live telly and the BT couch/bar stool 'fanatics'? back home!---Just WHY? we allow the true fans to be treated this way time after time after time iz beyond belief---BUT!---money talks of course and we've got to line the pockets of 'The Fat Controller' and hiz mates---for this season at least! <(just where? NUFC will end up by the end of this season iz anybody's guess???

Just ONE solitary goal away from home in FIVE games (v Man City in wor 6-1 rout!) tells it's own sorry tale in a year that seems to lurch from worse to even WORSE!

With NE away leegue wins since January and just FOWER in the whole year includin' aall wor home games, meeenz that failure to beat Eddie Howe's team on Saturday will put us well on the road  to wor WORST year since the 2nd World War, shud we fail to win at least 5 of the final 7 games left this year! <(we have never won less than 9 games in 'a calendar year' since the war ended in 1945!) 

Of course there's aalways 'hope' and the encouragin' thing iz we have had 36 shots in the last 2 games and must hope that this continues and we finally score wor SECOND away goal of the campaign az we move into November! 

The game iz of course a complete sell-oot and we will have just 1,365 fans in the away enclosure cometh the kick off!
It waz actually harder to get tickets for this game than the derby against The SMBs az 105 loyalty points were needed, compared to anly 50 for the mackem game! (1 loyalty point for each away game attended!)
We reckon that the demand for the few tickets available iz because most 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' have never been here before, az it's ower 20 years since we last played @ Dean Court (Since renamed 'Goldsands' and now 'The Vitality Stadium') <(Wot will they caall it next?)

Wethaa goalie Rob Elliot will play or not iz yet to be decided but a competitive debut for 18 year old Freddie Woodman iz on the cards shud Elliot not make it!

A win would propel us oot of the bottom 3 and above Bournemoooth who would drop into it---BUT! a defeat would cast us FIVE points adrift of them in the relegation zone!

Anothaa 'must win game'????---YOO BET!



"HISTORY IN THE MAKIN'!"

The roond trip to Bournemoooth iz 720 miles makin' it the LANGEST Premyaa Leegue/top flight jorney in history!

THE TOP 4 PREMYAA LEEGUE JORNIES
1: Bournemoooth: 720 miles roond trip from the Toon
2: Swanzee: 702 miles
3: Portsmoooth: 696 miles
4: Sooothampton: 666 miles 

PS: A 'Geordie Times' archive match report from wor visit to Dean Court in 1989 (az their groond waz called back then!) iz published below!

Tuesday, 3 November 2015

SOME LADY LUCK AT LAST??

Posted '12:50pm bells' Tuesday 3rd November 2015

At forst look a goal-less draw and just one point at home v Stoke looks a bad result--but!---'az lady luck would have it' AALL the rest of the teams in the bottom 5 lost this weekend, with The Hazbeenz & Villians losin' @ Sporz last neet to complete a pointless weekend for 'them', Bournemoooth, The Canary Custards of Norwich and The SMBs, who got slaughtered @ Everton on Sunday dinnaatime!

The leegue table still doesn't look good readin' of course, but a point gained iz better that nowt!

We honestly beleeeve that the teams mentioned (includin' 'US') will be in the relegation 'mix' til the end of the season and that ANY 3 from the 5 mentioned could be jettisoned to the hell of 'The Championship' come May!---Lets hope it ISN'T 'US' and that we can somehow pick up a win @ Bournemoooth this Saturday to move oot the bottom 3 and finally 'kick start' wor season!
36 shots in the last 2 games and 0 goals to show for it iz the reason we are where we are! ---Some more 'lady luck' iz needed on Saturday in the shape of an away goal or two! (we have scored just ONE away from home so far this season!)

More to follow on wor trip to the south coast later this week!---az per usual 'watch this space'!  

Sunday, 1 November 2015

THE TOON 0 THE P*SS POTTS OF STOKE 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 1st November 2015

"RED SKY AT NIGHT--BUT NOT MUCH DELIGHT!"

'Dead' simple reeely! <(it had to be on Halloween!)---Jack Butland the Stoke keeper waz the difference between us winnin' and drawin' this game with a series of blindin' saves, especially in the 2nd half az we attacked The Leazes goal!

Accordin' to 'The Sunday Sun' we have had 50 shots in the last 2 games withoot scorin', while 'Match of the Day' reackons it's 36!---take your pick?, but it doesn't reeely matter does it?---ne goals meeenz ne 3 points!
THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE GOAL (1st half)

Mitrovic came closest to scorin' in the 1st half az we attacked the Gallowgate goal with hiz back heeder hittin' the post but reboundin' back into play to deny us!
Perez, Sissoko and Wijnaldum aall had great efforts saved by Butland and then with just 4 minutes left on the clock a free kick foond sub Lascelles heed (who had came on just 3 mins orlier) ,but we were denied again by the 'P*ss Potters' goalie with a spectacular save to put the baall ower the bar @ The Leazes End and the game ended goal-less!
BUTLAND'S SAVES OFF LASCELLES

We now haven't won on a Saturday home or away game for an incredible NINE MONTHS! az we move into November (wor last win on a Saturday waz against Villa @ SJP in February---wor anly othaa 2 wins were on on a Sunday! (West Ham and Norwich)
(ie: 3 wins in 9 months)
Ne if's or 'Butts' aboot it!----That's just ONE win in ELEVEN leegue games now this sorry season---but it definateleeee shud have been TWO!

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat (Lascelles 83), Mbemba, Coloccini, Dummett, Sissoko, Tiote (De Jong 71), Anita, Wijnaldum, Mitrovic, Perez

Attendance: 47,139? (2,500 P*ss Potts' in level 7 of The Leazes End)    


"47,000 plus???? waz there reeeely"???? ^^^^

Saturday, 31 October 2015

THE TOON v THE P*SS POTTS OF STOKE *** THIS AFTERNOON

Posted '10:04am bells' Saturday 31st October 2015
LOOK THROUGH ANY (PUB!) WINDOW YEAH!
'THE GALLOWGATE END' FROM 'THE STRAWBERRY' UPSTAIRS WINDOW

We gan into this Halloween weekend game lookin' for wor forst home win on a Saturday for EIGHT MONTHS! <(that's reet!--it's 8 months since we beat 'The Hazbeenz & Villians' 1-0 in February!)

Wor anly othaa home victories came against West Ham and Norwich--both played on a Sunday afternoon!
That's just THREE wins @ SJP in the Leegue this year!

Anothaa shockin' stat iz that we have anly scored THREE away goals since we beat Hull in January!--Iz it any wonder we couldn't score against The SMBs last Sunday, despite havin' 70% of the play??? (Hull iz wor ANLY victory away from home this year!)

The P*ss Potts will wear their traditional red & white stripes this afternoon---which begs the question---why? did we play in wor away strip @ The SOS!? (Floggin' away shirts and NOT tradition iz 'oot the window' theeeze days!)

Lets hope its not a 'Halloween horror show' and that a few 'tricks and treats' are forthcomin' for the St James' Park faithful! (Average gates so far this season a credible 48,700 plus!)

A full match report will definatleee appear here sometime tomorrow! <(PS sorry for not deein a match report from last week--but it waz toooo painful to write!)

Thursday, 29 October 2015

THE TOON v THE P*SS POTTS OF STOKE *** SATURDAY AFTERNOOON

Posted '12:47pm bells' Thorsday 29th October 2015

'OSCAR AWARDS THIS WAY!' >>>>>>>>>>>>>

We gan into yet anothaa 'must win game' on Saturday <(how many times have we said that now!?) when we take on Mark Hughes Stoke side who have been 'buoyed' by a Leegue Cup win ower Chelski on Tuesday neet and progress to the qwaataa finals.

'The Wally (withoot) the Brolly' tells us that he iz 'confident' az we have "played well" in wor last 4 games, claimin' 4 points oot of a possible 12! <(this includes wor 6-1 annihilation @ Man City!)

Lets hope Thourvin doesn't torn up in hiz tuxedo and dicky bow tie on Saturday az we are scrappin' for wor lives and NOT hostin' the 'Oscar awards'---az he seems to think???
'SOMEWHERE INSIDE ST JAMES' PARK!'

We will have more on aall this tomorrow and Saturday <(the match and not the 'Oscars'!) and will just have to wait and see which Toon team torn up on the day <(hopefully the one that beat Norwich 6-2 and NOT the one that lost 2-1 to Wotfad!)

Wednesday, 28 October 2015

"WE WANT THE REF IN THE LEAZES!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 28th October 2015


"WHO'S YI FATHER REFEREE!?"
It haz of course been conformed wot we aalready knew!  Coloccini's red card @ The SOS haz been owertorned and he can now play against 'The P*ss Potters of Stoke' this Saturday.

The fact that we had to play the whole of the 2nd half with 10 men because of the ref's mind bogglin' decision to send 'Fab' off, makes it even worse az we can't replay the 2nd half with 11 men ---can we!?

Meeenwhile!---NUFC have been charged for NOT controllin' wor players ower the incident when they protested loudly to the incompetent man in the middle Madley!

In othaa words we are gettin' charged for bein' in the RIGHT!---despite the fact that the 'sweet FA' have decided Madley waz in the WRANG!

It's an efffin' joke!

Perhaps we shud ambush the ref and hoy him in 'The Old Leazes End', az Toon fans used to chant "We want the ref in The Leazes!" in the 1960's, when bad decisions were given against us!--------------------If ANLY we COULD!

Tuesday, 27 October 2015

IT'S A DOG'S LIFE!

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 27th October 2015

"A 'DOG IZ FOR LIFE!"

Forst of aall--apologeez for not updatin' this website since the weekend--but! az yoo can imagine we didn't feel 'up to it' following wot happened on Sunday!
In wor previous FIVE games against the SMBs we played abysmally and lost, but this time it waz two very bad refereein' decisions that cost us the game we shud have won easily!

However!--this doesn't make the pain of losin' to them yet again any eezier and the fact that we conceded 2 daft goals in the 2nd half makes it even harder to take! 

Yet again we must re-group for Saturdays encoontaa with 'The P*ss Potts of Stoke and simply MUST win it---or else!

Originally 'The Wally withoot the Brolly' said "Judge me after TEN games!"---and then changed hiz mind when things went pear shaped!
2nd bottom with just SIX points from those games and ONE win doesnt look good on hiz C.V.!
How much langer can he last if disaster follows disaster???

A certain 'Fat Controller' will ne doubt press the 'panic button' at some stage shud results fail to improve!

"A dog iz for life!" they say---and so iz NUFC---there's NE ESCAPE!

*'Dog' iz  Geordie slang for Newcastle Brown Ale

ARCHIVE GROUNDS MATCH REPORT LIST