BOURNEMOOOTH v THE TOON *** SATURDAY DINNAATIME?

Updated '1:27pm bells' Friday 6th November 2015

"AALL WE ARE SAYIN'---IZ GIVE US A GOAL!"

On Saturday we must get up at the ungodly hour of '3 am bells' to catch the '4:45 bells' train to King's Cross and then onward to Bournemoooth for the ridiculous '12:45' bells' dinnatime kick off---for the convenience of live telly and the BT couch/bar stool 'fanatics'? back home!---Just WHY? we allow the true fans to be treated this way time after time after time iz beyond belief---BUT!---money talks of course and we've got to line the pockets of 'The Fat Controller' and hiz mates---for this season at least! <(just where? NUFC will end up by the end of this season iz anybody's guess???

Just ONE solitary goal away from home in FIVE games (v Man City in wor 6-1 rout!) tells it's own sorry tale in a year that seems to lurch from worse to even WORSE!

With NE away leegue wins since January and just FOWER in the whole year includin' aall wor home games, meeenz that failure to beat Eddie Howe's team on Saturday will put us well on the road  to wor WORST year since the 2nd World War, shud we fail to win at least 5 of the final 7 games left this year! <(we have never won less than 9 games in 'a calendar year' since the war ended in 1945!) 

Of course there's aalways 'hope' and the encouragin' thing iz we have had 36 shots in the last 2 games and must hope that this continues and we finally score wor SECOND away goal of the campaign az we move into November! 

The game iz of course a complete sell-oot and we will have just 1,365 fans in the away enclosure cometh the kick off!
It waz actually harder to get tickets for this game than the derby against The SMBs az 105 loyalty points were needed, compared to anly 50 for the mackem game! (1 loyalty point for each away game attended!)
We reckon that the demand for the few tickets available iz because most 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' have never been here before, az it's ower 20 years since we last played @ Dean Court (Since renamed 'Goldsands' and now 'The Vitality Stadium') <(Wot will they caall it next?)

Wethaa goalie Rob Elliot will play or not iz yet to be decided but a competitive debut for 18 year old Freddie Woodman iz on the cards shud Elliot not make it!

A win would propel us oot of the bottom 3 and above Bournemoooth who would drop into it---BUT! a defeat would cast us FIVE points adrift of them in the relegation zone!

Anothaa 'must win game'????---YOO BET!



"HISTORY IN THE MAKIN'!"

The roond trip to Bournemoooth iz 720 miles makin' it the LANGEST Premyaa Leegue/top flight jorney in history!

THE TOP 4 PREMYAA LEEGUE JORNIES
1: Bournemoooth: 720 miles roond trip from the Toon
2: Swanzee: 702 miles
3: Portsmoooth: 696 miles
4: Sooothampton: 666 miles 

PS: A 'Geordie Times' archive match report from wor visit to Dean Court in 1989 (az their groond waz called back then!) iz published below!

SOME LADY LUCK AT LAST??

Posted '12:50pm bells' Tuesday 3rd November 2015

At forst look a goal-less draw and just one point at home v Stoke looks a bad result--but!---'az lady luck would have it' AALL the rest of the teams in the bottom 5 lost this weekend, with The Hazbeenz & Villians losin' @ Sporz last neet to complete a pointless weekend for 'them', Bournemoooth, The Canary Custards of Norwich and The SMBs, who got slaughtered @ Everton on Sunday dinnaatime!

The leegue table still doesn't look good readin' of course, but a point gained iz better that nowt!

We honestly beleeeve that the teams mentioned (includin' 'US') will be in the relegation 'mix' til the end of the season and that ANY 3 from the 5 mentioned could be jettisoned to the hell of 'The Championship' come May!---Lets hope it ISN'T 'US' and that we can somehow pick up a win @ Bournemoooth this Saturday to move oot the bottom 3 and finally 'kick start' wor season!
36 shots in the last 2 games and 0 goals to show for it iz the reason we are where we are! ---Some more 'lady luck' iz needed on Saturday in the shape of an away goal or two! (we have scored just ONE away from home so far this season!)

More to follow on wor trip to the south coast later this week!---az per usual 'watch this space'!  

THE TOON 0 THE P*SS POTTS OF STOKE 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 1st November 2015

"RED SKY AT NIGHT--BUT NOT MUCH DELIGHT!"

'Dead' simple reeely! <(it had to be on Halloween!)---Jack Butland the Stoke keeper waz the difference between us winnin' and drawin' this game with a series of blindin' saves, especially in the 2nd half az we attacked The Leazes goal!

Accordin' to 'The Sunday Sun' we have had 50 shots in the last 2 games withoot scorin', while 'Match of the Day' reackons it's 36!---take your pick?, but it doesn't reeely matter does it?---ne goals meeenz ne 3 points!

THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE GOAL (1st half)

Mitrovic came closest to scorin' in the 1st half az we attacked the Gallowgate goal with hiz back heeder hittin' the post but reboundin' back into play to deny us!
Perez, Sissoko and Wijnaldum aall had great efforts saved by Butland and then with just 4 minutes left on the clock a free kick foond sub Lascelles heed (who had came on just 3 mins orlier) ,but we were denied again by the 'P*ss Potters' goalie with a spectacular save to put the baall ower the bar @ The Leazes End and the game ended goal-less!

BUTLAND'S SAVES OFF LASCELLES

We now haven't won on a Saturday home or away game for an incredible NINE MONTHS! az we move into November (wor last win on a Saturday waz against Villa @ SJP in February---wor anly othaa 2 wins were on on a Sunday! (West Ham and Norwich)
(ie: 3 wins in 9 months)
Ne if's or 'Butts' aboot it!----That's just ONE win in ELEVEN leegue games now this sorry season---but it definateleeee shud have been TWO!

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat (Lascelles 83), Mbemba, Coloccini, Dummett, Sissoko, Tiote (De Jong 71), Anita, Wijnaldum, Mitrovic, Perez

Attendance: 47,139? (2,500 P*ss Potts' in level 7 of The Leazes End)    

"47,000 plus???? waz there reeeely"???? ^^^^

THE TOON v THE P*SS POTTS OF STOKE *** THIS AFTERNOON

Posted '10:04am bells' Saturday 31st October 2015

LOOK THROUGH ANY (PUB!) WINDOW YEAH!
'THE GALLOWGATE END' FROM 'THE STRAWBERRY' UPSTAIRS WINDOW

We gan into this Halloween weekend game lookin' for wor forst home win on a Saturday for EIGHT MONTHS! <(that's reet!--it's 8 months since we beat 'The Hazbeenz & Villians' 1-0 in February!)

Wor anly othaa home victories came against West Ham and Norwich--both played on a Sunday afternoon!
That's just THREE wins @ SJP in the Leegue this year!

Anothaa shockin' stat iz that we have anly scored THREE away goals since we beat Hull in January!--Iz it any wonder we couldn't score against The SMBs last Sunday, despite havin' 70% of the play??? (Hull iz wor ANLY victory away from home this year!)

The P*ss Potts will wear their traditional red & white stripes this afternoon---which begs the question---why? did we play in wor away strip @ The SOS!? (Floggin' away shirts and NOT tradition iz 'oot the window' theeeze days!)

Lets hope its not a 'Halloween horror show' and that a few 'tricks and treats' are forthcomin' for the St James' Park faithful! (Average gates so far this season a credible 48,700 plus!)

A full match report will definatleee appear here sometime tomorrow! <(PS sorry for not deein a match report from last week--but it waz toooo painful to write!)

THE TOON v THE P*SS POTTS OF STOKE *** SATURDAY AFTERNOOON

Posted '12:47pm bells' Thorsday 29th October 2015

'OSCAR AWARDS THIS WAY!' >>>>>>>>>>>>>

We gan into yet anothaa 'must win game' on Saturday <(how many times have we said that now!?) when we take on Mark Hughes Stoke side who have been 'buoyed' by a Leegue Cup win ower Chelski on Tuesday neet and progress to the qwaataa finals.

'The Wally (withoot) the Brolly' tells us that he iz 'confident' az we have "played well" in wor last 4 games, claimin' 4 points oot of a possible 12! <(this includes wor 6-1 annihilation @ Man City!)

Lets hope Thourvin doesn't torn up in hiz tuxedo and dicky bow tie on Saturday az we are scrappin' for wor lives and NOT hostin' the 'Oscar awards'---az he seems to think???

'SOMEWHERE INSIDE ST JAMES' PARK!'

We will have more on aall this tomorrow and Saturday <(the match and not the 'Oscars'!) and will just have to wait and see which Toon team torn up on the day <(hopefully the one that beat Norwich 6-2 and NOT the one that lost 2-1 to Wotfad!)

"WE WANT THE REF IN THE LEAZES!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 28th October 2015



"WHO'S YI FATHER REFEREE!?"

It haz of course been conformed wot we aalready knew!  Coloccini's red card @ The SOS haz been owertorned and he can now play against 'The P*ss Potters of Stoke' this Saturday.

The fact that we had to play the whole of the 2nd half with 10 men because of the ref's mind bogglin' decision to send 'Fab' off, makes it even worse az we can't replay the 2nd half with 11 men ---can we!?

Meeenwhile!---NUFC have been charged for NOT controllin' wor players ower the incident when they protested loudly to the incompetent man in the middle Madley!

In othaa words we are gettin' charged for bein' in the RIGHT!---despite the fact that the 'sweet FA' have decided Madley waz in the WRANG!

It's an efffin' joke!

Perhaps we shud ambush the ref and hoy him in 'The Old Leazes End', az Toon fans used to chant "We want the ref in The Leazes!" in the 1960's, when bad decisions were given against us!--------------------If ANLY we COULD!

IT'S A DOG'S LIFE!

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 27th October 2015

"A 'DOG IZ FOR LIFE!"

Forst of aall--apologeez for not updatin' this website since the weekend--but! az yoo can imagine we didn't feel 'up to it' following wot happened on Sunday!
In wor previous FIVE games against the SMBs we played abysmally and lost, but this time it waz two very bad refereein' decisions that cost us the game we shud have won easily!

However!--this doesn't make the pain of losin' to them yet again any eezier and the fact that we conceded 2 daft goals in the 2nd half makes it even harder to take! 

Yet again we must re-group for Saturdays encoontaa with 'The P*ss Potts of Stoke and simply MUST win it---or else!

Originally 'The Wally withoot the Brolly' said "Judge me after TEN games!"---and then changed hiz mind when things went pear shaped!
2nd bottom with just SIX points from those games and ONE win doesnt look good on hiz C.V.!
How much langer can he last if disaster follows disaster???

A certain 'Fat Controller' will ne doubt press the 'panic button' at some stage shud results fail to improve!

"A dog iz for life!" they say---and so iz NUFC---there's NE ESCAPE!

*'Dog' iz  Geordie slang for Newcastle Brown Ale

BIG FAT SAM'S SMBs v THE TOON *** 'HIGH NOON BELLS' **** THIS SUNDAY

Updated '10:37am bells' Saturday 24th October 2015

The build up to wor biggest game of the season iz in full flow az we wait in anticipation/trepidation? for the so caalled 'Desperation Derby' game on Sunday and we have been allocated wor usual 'paltry' 2,800 tickets!

Followin' wor MAG nificent 6-2 win ower 'The Canary Custards of Norwich' last Sunday 'The SMB's are now the ANLY club oot of the 134 in the Inglish and Scottish leegues NOT to win a game so far this season! <(lang may it continue!)

Az usual we are gannin on 'The School Run Bus to Hell'^ and will catch one of the 'yellow peril double deckers' to the 'Stadium of "SSHHhh!---Yee Naa Wot!" @ '10 bells' come Sunday for the ONE HOUR plus 'snail trail' past The Gatesheed Monstrosity <(Angel!) and alang The Washington Highway <(20 mins normal drivin'!)

Most boozers are openin' @ '9 am bells' in The Toon and divvint forget that the clocks gan BACK an hour, so yoo will have even less/more time? catchin' up on your 'beauty sleep' in the mornin'!

There's one thing for certain aboot this game----After the win against Norwich last Sunday, we have much confidence than we did a month ago and can anly hope and pray that we PLAY like we did last week and NOT az we did in the 2nd half collapse against Man City 3 weeks ago!

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here sometime on Munday if we win and 'god naaz when' if we divvint!

THE TOON 6 (SIX!) THE CANARY CUSTARD CRUMBLES 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Posted '10:47am bells' Munday 19th October 2015

"GINI IN A BOTTLE!"

In wor last article (see below) we said that there waz a 'chink of light' at the end of the tunnel and after won fantastic 6-2 win ower Norwich yesterday the tunnel entrance iz lookin' much closer!

Gini Wijnaldum waz of course the star of the show with 4 (FOWER!) Magnificent goals to send us up to the 'dizzy heights' of 18th in the leegue table---just 2 behind Bournemoooth in 17th place---and safety!

The sequence of events were az follows:

1-0 up---Sissoko passes the baall to Gini Wijnaldum and he calmly fires home @ The Gallowgate End after just 15 minutes on the clock.

THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE GOAL (1st half)
VIEW FROM THE VERY BACK ROW OF THE MILBURN STAND

1-1---After a scare 3 minutes later when the visitors hit the post they equalised after a defensive mix up, Bezua slots the baall home.

2-1 up---Sissoko crosses and Gini gets a good heeder which flies past Ruddy after 26 minutes

3-1 up---7 minutes later Perez fires home after hiz forst effort waz blocked

3-2 up---We shoot worselz in the foot once again az just ONE minute later Redmond pulls anothaa goal back

4-2 up---Mitrovic chest the baall doon and hits a fantastic shot which gives Ruddy 'nee chance' @ The Leazes End in the 64th minute


THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES END (2nd half)
(PHOTO BY JAMIE AGED 5!)


5-2 up----Gini completes hiz hat-trick after he again heeds home, this time from a Janmaat cross

Just 3 minutes later 'The Custard Crumbles' <(Delia's own recipe!) hit the post once again to send the norves janglin'---even though we are 3 goals clear!

6-2 up!---finally we can 'relax' az 'The Gini in the Bottle' once again wellys the baall into the visitors net to score hiz FOURTH and final goal of the game with just 5 minutes remainin' to complete the scorin' az 'The Canary Custards 'crumbled'!

GRANDSON JAMIE GETS A CLOSER VIEW OF THE ACTION
THROUGH HIZ 'NOCULARS' <(AZ HE CAALLS THEM!)

MEEENWHILE! GRANDSON ZAC ENJOYS 
HIZ 1st EVER GAME IN 'THE STRAWBERRY CORNER'!
(Photo by 'DADDY' CRAIG)

Lets hope we have torned the corner now after NINE attempts at winnin'---BUT! this IZ NUFC and we have seen this aall before---Imagine we are on an open topped double decker bus celebratin' wor win and then the bus driver makes a wrang torn and hits a low bridge!---This iz the life of an NUFC supporter!
Lets hope we don't hit 'the low bridge' next Sunday @ The Stadium of "SSHHhhh! yee naa wot!"

There's one thing for certain though!---we will gan into this game with a lot more confidence than we had just a fortneet ago! "HOWAY THE TOON!"

LUCKY MASCOTS!---
GRANDSONS ZAC AGED 4, WHO WAZ ATTENDIN' HIZ 1st EVER GAME
& JAMIE AGED 5, WHO WAZ ATTENDIN' HIZ 1st LEEGUE GAME
OF THIS SEASON, ENJOY THEMSELZ IN THE
'BODEGA BEER BAR' BEFORE THE GAME! 

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat, Dummett (Haidara 65), Tiote (Anita 46), Coloccini, Mbemba, Sissoko, Colback, Mitrovic (Cisse 88), Wijnaldum, Perez

Attendance: 47,006 (2,000 wearin' custard coloured shirts in The Leazes End!) *

THE TOON v THE CANARY CUSTARD CRUMBLES <(Delia's own recipe!)

Posted '9:33am bells' Sunday 18th October 2015

"A CHINK OF LIGHT ---PERHAPS!?"

Followin' the results yesterday, there IZ a 'chink of light' at the end of the tunnel IF we can beat 'Delia's Mob' this afternoon @ St James' Park
At the bottom 'The mackems' lost to WBA, Bournemoooth lost heavily at Man City, Wotfad lost 3-0 at home to 'The Arse' and The 'Hazbeenz and Villians' lost at Chelski---meeenin' if we can produce wor forst win of the season at wor NINTH attempt then we will move up to the dizzy heights of 18th! in the table and just TWO points off Bournemoooth in 17th place!

Failure to win however will meeen that we will gan into the 'Desperation Derby' next Sunday @ 'The SOS' with ne wins alang with 'The SMB's---and will be the ANLY 2 teams oot of the entire 92 leegue sides who would have not won a game this season!

So!---lets hope and pray we CAN at last 'break wor duck' and break the despondency that haz enveloped Tyneside ower the last 3 months!

Coincidently 'The Geordie Times' 'pageviews' have went doon considerably ower the last 3 months and wethaa this iz due to 'YOO LOT' not wantin' to read depressin' reports time after time--OR!---you're gettin' sick off readin' the same old c*ap week in week oot iz open to conjuncture! <(whatever that meeenz?)

However we WILL 'plod on' and bring yoo a full match report sometime tomorrow az per usual---lets pray it's a 'good-in'!?