"IT'S A CARVE UP!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 27th January 2015

So! (surprize!-surprize!) NUFC have so far failed to find a 'Yes Man' to fill Pardew's shoes and have predicably appointed John 'The Pie' Carver az interim 'Dogsbody' til at least the end of the season and then he will be sacked when a new ("Do az you are told!") coach iz eventually appointed! <(readin' between the lines!)

This chaotic, shambolic and ambitionless club just gans from one calamity to anothaa and Carver, who will now be in charge for the last 16 games, haz been given a 'top 10 target' by the club! <(for the 3rd best supported club in the UK, with average gates of 51,000 +, this iz amazing!)

Carver of course haz 'black and white blood' just like the rest of us and we can anly hope and pray that he can deliver the goods or else we are in deep (deep!) trouble!
A SIX pointer against Hull on Saturday iz next on the agenda!---A game "we must not lose" or we will be dragged into the relegation battle for certain! 

Az one paper said this mornin', 'quote':
"NO WINS IN FOUR GAMES!---YOU'VE GOT THE JOB!"

LAST WEEK OF THE WINDOW!

Posted '10:39am bells' Munday 26th January 2015

We are nuw into the last week of the transfor window and it looks very (very!) likely that there will be ne new NUFC manager or new players in place by the time the window closes!
On the ootgoin' side however, anythin' iz possible and divvint be surprised if there iz some activity on the very last day to forthaa 'fatten' 'The Fat Controller's' wallet!

We have yet anothaa 'free week' to prepare for wor visit to Hull next Saurday where we play 'Broken Nosed Bruce's Tiger Lillys' in wot iz nuw a 'must not lose' game!

We are just 8 points aheed of 'Brucey's Boys' and 10 of the very bottom place held by Lestaa City!

We reeely shud have strengthened wor squad but 'financial restraints' on the 3rd best supported club in Britain and 19th richest club in the world, meeen that we must (most likely?) 'plod on and 'hope for the best'! <("suck it and see!") >>>

The players and staff are nuw back from their 'warm weathaa trainin' in Dubai to 'freeezin' cold trainin' in Benton and a calamitous sign of this iz the fact that Man City did exactly the same thing az us last week in Dubai and then lost 2-0 to 'The Smog Monsters' in the FA Cup @ 'The Emptyad Stadium' <(it waz nearly empty by the end of the match!)

(Lets hope we don't befall the same fate!)

The Top 5 Average Attendances in Britain:

1 Man U *** 75,339
2 The Arse *** 59,983
3 THE TOON *** 51,168
4 Man C *** 45,502
5 The Liverbirds *** 44,684

'The Geordie Times' stat man iz currentleee compilin' the latest list of world average gates---watch this space!---list will be updated sometime this week!  

"BLANKETY BLANKETY BLANK!"

Posted '11:01am bells' Sunday 25th January 2015

"HI!---I'M BACK AGAIN!---YOU CAN'T GET RID OF ME!"

With yet anothaa (self inflicted!) blank weekend to fill in, it waz decided to heed for Bedlington to get wor Saturday 'fix', where the home side were takin' on 'The Bad Blue Boys' of Dunston in a Northern Leegue encoonter!

Aa met up with 'Grumpy Stumpy' in 'The Hotspur' @ '12:30 bells' and telt him that the match waz in doubt due to the inclement weathaa!
Aa had Bedlington's phone number and rang to see if the match waz on?----there waz ne reply from the othaa end and the 'telling-bone' just went onto 'answer mode'!
The conclusion waz!---because there waz nebody at the groond just two and a half hours before kick off, we assumed (wrongly!) that the match waz OFF!

We ended up watchin' Ross Coonty v Glasgay Celtic on the bar's telly in an absolutely cr*p game and this torned oot to be wor Saturday 'fix'! <(quick!---pass me anothaa 'liquid lubrication'!)

Later on we foond oot that Bradford had sensationally beaten Chelski 4-2 @ Stamford Bridge in the FA Cup after bein' 2 goals doon and that 'The Smoggies' had aalso won away @ Man City!
Pardew's Palace aalso won away @ Sooothampton to put them in the 5th roond!---sommik he wasn't allowed to de @ The Toon in 4 attempts az wor manager! (ie: play a full strength team in the 'cups')
The romance of the FA Cup?---divvint tell any Toon fans this!

(The Bedlington v Dunston game DID get played (after a late pitch inspection) with the visitors winnin' 1-0) 

"WE'RE IN THE MONEY!" ----"WHEY!, A CERTAIN 'FAT CONTROLLER' IZ, ANYWAY!"

Posted '12:38pm bells' Friday 23rd January 2015

SOMEWHERE IN THE BOWELS OF ST JAMES' PARK!

Delloitte's 'Top 20 Futbaall Rich List' in the world puts NUFC in 19th position and we are, quote: "Commercially, in the STRONGEST position in our history!"
Yet!, like a certain Dickens' character, we scrimp and save 'the scraps' and sell on any 'valuable assets' at the orliest opportunity to increase a certain owerweight gadgie's bank account to the detriment of the team, who bale oot the sinkin' boat with a tea cup, az the waataa leaks in through the many cracks!

NE manager/ heed coach/ dogs body/ crawler/ yes man OR new players to bale oot the boat (yet!), az we scrap it oot for the rest of the season alang with Lestaa, Palace, Hull, Bornley, QPR, 'The SMBs' and the rest of the dead wood, in a desperate attempt to stay IN the '(gravy!) boat' and not end up at the bottom of the Tyne!    

 AN IMPROMPTU PLAYERS TRAININ' SESSION
SOMEWHERE ON THE RIVER TYNE!

'PENFOLD' SPEAKS!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 22nd January 2015

A CLUB SPOKESMAN!

An amazing thing happened yesterday!---^someone from NUFC who iz 'the spit' of 'Penfold' off  the 'Secret Squirrel' cartoon, actually spoke to the local press and media to tell them of wor plans for the rest of the season and beyond!

And wot have we foond oot that we didn't aalready naaa???

Nothin' really!---It's a SECRET!

AN IMPOSTER! ---"MY LIPS ARE SEALED!"



 

"IT'S A FIX!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 21st January 2015

"I NEED A DRINK TO WATCH THIS LOT!"

"IT'S A FIX ---ONE!"

With 21 days of the January transfor window now gone, we STILL divvint naa if we will have a new 'manager/coach/dogs body/yes man'! in place before the end of the month/season/decade!

Conspiracy theorys are dein the roonds, claimin' we divvint want a new manager yet az he MIGHT (just MIGHT!) want to spend some money in wot iz left of the transfor window! <(IF yoo believe that then yoo MUST be a Toon fan!)   

Ne transfors 'in or oot' YET?---but divvint haad yer breath for anybody comin' 'IN'!---more than likely on the last day(s) of the window though, yoo can expect a flurry of activity from 'the big clubs' to 'cherry pick' the best of a pretty average side to gan 'OOT'! <(az per usual for us at this time of the year!)

"IT'S A FIX ---TWO!"

The revised telly schedules for March have just been released and we have got off lightly with just ONE game bein' picked by eethaa SKY or BT which iz the home game against Man U.
The date and time of the fixture hazzent been changed, but it iz now bein' shown live on BT on Wednesday 4th March @ '7:45 bells'!

"IT'S A FIX ---THREE!"

Because we have yet anothaa 'blankety blank' weekend due to it bein' 'FA Cup 4th roond day' (az we of course got knocked oot 'of it' in Lestaa at the beginnin' of the month!), we need to get wor 'fix' elsewhere and are plannin' on gannin' to the salubrious surroundings of 'The Dr Pitt' Welfare groond in Bedlington on Saturday afternoon, where the home side are due to play 'The Bad Blue Boys' of Dunston in a Northern Leegue fixture!
However! bad weathaa could scupper wor plans az, scandalously!, 'The Terriers' divvint have undersoil heatin' at their ramshackle groond! <(wot's the world comin' te!???) 

THE TOON 1 SOOOTHAMPTON 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2014-2015

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 18th January 2015

"HAND BAALL!!!"---BUT THE BLIND REF DIDN'T GIVE IT!???

With a '5:30 bells' kick off thanx to 'SKY' we had plenty of time to consume large amounts of alcoholic beverages before the game and we started off in 'The Monkey Bar' before movin' on to 'The Welly' and finally 'The Toon Arms'!

ON WOR WAY TO 'BASE CAMP'!

On a freeezin' January day we finally made wor way to 'base camp' at the bottom of The Milburn Stand before ascendin' the 200 stairs to wor seats on 'level 7' az per usual! <(heart attacks on 'standby'!)

ACTION IN THE 1st HALF AZ THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES END!

We started off the brighter of the 2 teams and had a couple of good chances orly on to take the lead and so it waz a shock when 'The Simon Templar Mob' went ahead in the 14th minute @ The Gallowgate End when Elia hit a low shot from the edge of the box which went 'straight through' Tim Krul in The Toon goal <(a shot he shud have saved!)

A fluke equaliser through Yoan Goffran levelled things when Sooothampton defender Gardos tried to clear but the baall hit Gouffran and went straight into the net @ The Leazes End!

In the 2nd period we did exactly the same thing and 'shot worsels in the foot', when a defensive mix up left Elia again with a free shot on goal, which hit Janmaat on the way, which wrong footed Krul!

Paul Dummett then had a free header but he inexplicably sent it wide with the goal gapin'!

A blatent penalty claim near the end when Riviere's volley on the edge of the box foond Fonte's hand, waz missed by the officials, az Riviere protested vigorously! <(a shockin' decision!) (see top foto!)

THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END (2nd half)

Anothaa unfortunate defeat meenz that we have still to win a game in fower attempts in 2015!----We now slip to the bottom half of the table into 11th place 

Toon team: Krul, Janmaat, Coloccini, Dummett (Williamson 80), Haidera, Sissoko, Anita (Riviere 68), Colback, Cabella, Perez, Gouffran (Sammy Ameobi 69)

Attendance: 49,307 (2nd lowest this season)  (1,400 Sooothampton fans)  *


PS: On a much brighter note, can we just congratulate both North Sheeelds and 'The Bad Blue Boys' of Dunston who both progressed to the last 16 of the FA Vase!
Sheeelds won 4-1 against Consett and Dunston won 1-0 at Heanor Toon!

The two Tyneside teams gan into tomorrows 5th roond draw @ Wembley 
Lets hope that they avoid each othaa and get two home ties!

THE TOON v SOOOTHAMPTON *** TEATIME/TIPPLE TIME!

Updated 'high noon bells' Saturday 17th January 2015


"WHO NEEDS 'SUN KISSED' DUBAI?"

This evenin' @ '5:30 bells' we face a rampant Sooothampton side who are fresh off their win @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' last week, while we contemplate a 2-0 defeat @ Chelski!

Wor worst performance in 2014 came @ St Mary's where 'The Simon Templar Mob' hammered us 4-0 last September and it could easily have been double that figure az we played so badly that day!

Wor visitors are in 3rd place in the table, while we are 12 points behind in 10th place---but more ominously, we are now just 10 points off the very bottom place, currently held by Lestaa, who (lest we forget?) knocked us oot of the FA Cup!
The team iz expected to be more or less the same az at Chelski last week and we can anly hope that we play like we did in the forst half there! <(but not the 'second'!)

"Whey aye the pie" Carver haz been speakin' aboot the 'sunshine break' the players and coachin' staff are havin' next week in Dubai az a 'reward' FA Cup elimination! (see article below!)

Carver: "People will be putting two and two together and thinking that we are on a 'jolly', but let me tell you it's no 'jolly-up'!"

He then gans on to say: "We go to Dubai on Sunday evening!"---"Monday we will have a 'recovery session'!" <(to get ower the 'jet lag' perhaps?)

"Tuesday will be a full training session!" <(wow!)

"Wednesday they'll be off!"----"They'll have a free day to play golf like a normal week!" (very nice!) <(at the same time aa'll probably be stuck in a traffic jam somewhere on the 'M1'!)

"We've got a hurricane out there to deal with <(Benton trainin' groond) and it's difficult to do quality stuff with the wind howling!" <(yi shud iv been on the 'A1M' in Coonty Durham at 'two bells' this mornin', mate!---if yi want to see wind howlin'!)

There iz ne mention az to wot they will be dein' for the rest of the week, but after last years 'sunshine break' in Dubai (after gettin' knocked oot of the FA Cup by 'then' basement side Cardiff!) we went on a fower game winless run withoot scorin' a solitary goal! <(these 'sunshine breaks' certainly work wonders---divvint they???

'Geordie Times' comment: Why? are we gannin on 'warm weathaa trainin', when wor next game after Sooothampton will be played @ Hull in freezin' cold temperatures!?
Surely it would be much better to jump on 'The Metro' and heed for Tynemooth beach where we used to gan for winter trainin' not too lang ago! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Whitley Bay, just up the road haz a very nice miniature golf course az well, shud the players need some 'puttin' practice' <(just how playin' golf will help us anyway, iz bafflin' to say the least!???)

'Fink' (the mad-sad groundhopper!)

History lesson: We forst played Sooothampton @ St James' Park just ower 80 years ago on 1st December 1934, when we won 1-0 in a (old) Division 2 game, with Lang getting' the anly goal of the game. (crowd not known?)

'Geordie Times' history: Wor forst visit waz nearly 48 years ago in April 1967, when we beat 'The Simon Templar Mob' 3-1, with wor goals comin' from Wyn 'The Leap' Davies, Peter Noble and 'Pop' Robson.
42,426 were in attendance, in a game that saved us from relegation <(If aa remember correctly?) (we finished 3rd bottom of the (old) 1st Division that season, in the days when anly 2 went doon!)

In total we have played them 89 times, won 35, drawn 20 and lost 34 times

A full Geordie Times match/tipple report will appear here sometime tomorrow

"WHEY AYE-EEE!, WE'RE OFF TO DUBAI!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 15th January 2015

'PIEMAN' CARVER TO PLAYERS:
"WOT ARE YOU LIKE AT CLIMBIN' TOWERS, LADS?"

NUFC players and coachin' staff have been 'rewarded' by 'The Fat Controller' for gettin' knocked oot of the FA Cup at the forst hurdle, (az planned!), with a trainin' 'break' to Dubai next week!

This will coincide nicely with '4th roond day' in the FA Cup, az of course we have yet anothaa 'self inflicted' 'blankety blank' weekend to fill in! <(We would have played Sporz away next week for the 3rd time this season had we bothered to torn up at Lestaa!) <(just az well---perhaps!)

Az the players 'enjoy' their sunshine break, the rest of us 'plebs'---"er!" 'fans'! must carry on 'their day jobs', stackin' shelves at Tesco's, fixin' broken toilet cisterns and battlin' through gale force winds and snow in high sided vehicles on the 'A1M'! etc etc etc!

Meeenwhile! there iz still ne news of any transfors 'in or oot' and of course, ne news of an inpendin' new managerial appointment, with half the transfor window now gone!

Did we expect anything else?????

"SOS TIMES 2!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 14th January 2015


"ARE THEY PEOPLE'S HOUSES?"----
THE MAIN ROAD ON THE WAY TO The Stadium Of "Ssshhh!"- Yee Naa Wot!"
(WE'VE GOT TO PASS THIS PLACE TWICE NOW,
IN THE NEXT FEW MONTHS!!)


Last neets win for the mackem U18s against Ipswich in the FA Youth Cup 4th roond, meenz that NUFC must travel to 'The Stadium of "Ssshhh!!!"--Yee Naa Wot!" on TWO occasions in the followin' months! (For the Youth Cup tie and a Premyaa Leegue encoontaa!)

Ne date haz been set for the Youth Cup 5th roond tie, but of course wor forst team must travel to 'The 'SOS' sometime on Easter weekend!

Meeenwhile a date haz been set for wor U21/resorves Leegue Cup qwaataa final tie against Blackborn Rovers, which will be staged @ SJP on Tuesday 20th January @ '7 bells' <(next week!)

In 'The Northumberland Senior Cup 'semis', we have been drawn @ home against Morpeth Toon and this will be played @ Whitley Park/Blue Flames on a date yet to be conformed!