THE TOON v THE RED HERRINGS of CARDIFF *** THIS AFTERNOON!

Updated Saturday 3rd  May 2014

FA CUP ACTION @ ST JAMES' PARK IN JANUARY
CARDIFF WON 2-1 !
(View from The Leazes End)

For the forst time in livin' memory the biggest futbaall match on Tyneside this weekend will NOT feature NUFC!

This iz the result of pathetic performances and apathy amongst the Toon faitful <(no! we havvent mis -spelt it!) after a record breakin' six Premya Leegue defeats in a row and mid table mediocrity!
Many fans have taken to Facebook/Twitter etc. to say that they will be waalkin' oot on 60 minutes in anger at wor 'ambitionless aims' (it will be 60 years next season since we last won a major domestic trophy!) and best of luck to them in their protest!

We will NOT be dein' the same however! and will stay til the bitter end against 'The Red Herrings' 'come wot may', az we are sadists! And in any case, do yoo reely think that 'The Fat Controller' will be in the directors box to see it anyway????

On the othaa side of the Tyne and in complete contrast to wor plight, 'The Heedbangers of Gatesheed' will attempt to book their place at Wembley Stadium in the Conference play off final on Sunday afternoon against Grimsby Toon ('4:30 bells' kick off)

Az mentioned below we will be there to back 'The Heed', az we WILL this afternoon, backin' 'The Toon' <(az they say 'a dog iz for life'!) and we can anly hope (and pray!) for TWO victories ower this bank holiday weekend!

PS: Just foond oot that (az well az the above waalk oot) some Toon fans are gannin to waalk oot in the 27th minute (the last time we won T'he Leegue' waz way back in 1927!)---some are gannin to waalk oot in the 55th minute (wor last FA Cup success waz in 1955 AND the 69th minute (the last time we actually won a trophy of any description, namely The Inter Cities Fairs Cup waz in 1969!
(Will there be anybody left at full time?)

"ER!"---yes! We plan to waalk oot in protest in the 90th minute!, (plus injury time!)

Match reports on both games will follow sometime on Sunday (Toon) and bank holiday Monday (Heed)

GRIMSBY TOON 1 THE HEEDBANGERS 1 *** CONFERENCE PLAY OFFS SEMI FINAL 1st LEG

Posted '12:40pm bells' Friday 2nd May 2014



"DREAM ON!"---"DEFINATLY 'ON!"

A magnificent draw @ Blundell Park, Cleethorpes sets up the 2nd leg of this semi final tie very nicely!---thank yoo very much!

Shud 'Gatesheed win on Sunday then they will be off to Wembley for the play off final against eetha Cambridge United or Halifax, with the ultimate prize a place back in the Futbaall Leegue after a 54 year absence!

'The Heedbangers' drew forst blood against Grimsby last neet when Colin Larkin fired home after just 7 minutes sendin' the 308 travellin' faithful wild with delight in the visitors enclosure!

Grimsby hit back however and equalised in the 24th minute through a Craig Disley heeder and 'The Heed' had to endure canny pressure throughout the rest of the game.
They held on though and the dream of a Wembley ticket on Sunday afternoon iz a very reeel possibility!

We would expect that a crowd exceedin' that at Grimsby (5,234) will torn up in wot iz now an aall ticket game @ Gatesheed International Stadium! (capacity 11,000)

If yi not dein much on Sunday then come and cheer the othaa black n white Tynesiders to victory and Wembley! (we'll be there!)

HEEDIN' FOR WEMBLEY???

Posted '2:40pm bells' Thorsday 1st May 2014

Toneet 'The Heedbangers' of Gatesheed play their most important game for at least 60 years when they face Grimsby Toon in Cleethorpes in the forst leg of the Conference semi final play offs!

The 2nd leg teks place @ The International Stadium in the east end of Gatesheed this comin' Sunday @ '4:30 bells' with the prize a trip to Wembley for the play off final and (hopefully!) a place back in the Futbaall Leegue after a 54 year absence, if they win!

A big crowd iz expected toneet of 5,000 plus @ Blundell Park and at least the same number in the retorn leg on Sunday afternoon!
 'The Geordie Times' will be present on Sunday to cheer 'The Heed' on to victory? and we 'wish them well' this evenin'!
Aa'll be glued to mee truck radio to get the score az aa travel doon to the Bormingham area once again on mee neetshift run!

"HOWAY THE HEEDBANGERS!"

NEW ZEALAND "LAMBS TO THE SLAUGHTER!" TOUR *** PLUS!: *** "JAWMANY CALLING" PRE-SEASON TOURNAMENT 2014-2015

Posted '10:10pm bells' Wednesday 30th April 2014


SOMEWHERE NEAR NORTH SHIELDS FERRY TORMINAL!
"HOW FAR IZ NEW ZEALAND?---LIKE!?"---"BBBAAAAAAA!"


News of a pre season tour of New Zealand, followed by a weekend tournament in Jawmany have been released by NUFC

The dates and venues are az follows:

Tuesday 22nd July 2014: Sydney FC v The Toon @ Forsyth Barr, Dundedin, Sooth Island, New Zealand

Saturday 26th July 2014: Wellington Pheonix v The Toon @ Westpac Stadium, Wellington, North Island, New Zealand

Saturday 2nd August: @ Veltins Arena, Gelsenkirchen, Jawmany
Toon opponents to be conformed

Sunday 3rd August: @ Veltins Arena
Toon opponents to be conformed

Saturday 9th or Sunday 10th August: Ne friendly fixture on this weekend annoonced so far <(cud be 'aa told him' Oldham?)

Saturday 16th August: Premyaa Leegue season starts

A forst team game against a club nearer to home, namely Oldham Athletic haz aalso been mooted, but haz yet to be conformed

The Geordie Times 'mad-sad groundhoppers' WILL be gannin to the Jawmany games, but! New Zealand iz a little bit toooo expensive and far away, so we will be 'Telly Hoppin' for theeze games! <(unless some kind/stupid! souls oot there, lend us 'the bit'!)

THE ARSE 3 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE *** 2013-2014

Posted '2:10pm bells' Tuesday 29th April 2014

View from row 15 seat 644 lower tier

"TOTAL APATHY!"

Last neet waz the neet that the Toon fans totally torned on wor beleaguered manager and az we approached the tornstiles at the visitors end we could hear the "PARDEW OUT!" chants loud and clear!---and this of course iz BEFORE the match had even kicked off!

And of course!---predicably!--- we 'hoyed the towel in' in yet anothaa depressin' performance that could send yoo to sleep az 'The Arse' totally controlled the game from start to finish.

We somehow survived 32 minutes before they took the lead when Ozil knocked the baall into wor net when he waz clearly offside?---Just before the break it waz 'game ower' az they doubled their lead through Giroud and reeely there waz 'ne way back' az we'd anly had one weak shot on target up until this point by Tiote and NE corners!"
"ALAN PARDEW!---IT'S SIX IN A ROW!" (defeats) The Toon fans mocked, alang with: "YOU'RE NOTHIN SPECIAL---WE LOSE EVERY WEEK!" az we pointed towards the home fans behind the goal nearest to us!

Giroud seeled their 3-0 victory at the mid-point of the 2nd half az Toon fans chanted: "YOU'RE NOTHIN SPECIAL!---TOTTENHAM SCORED 4!" (Sporz beat us 4-0 at St James'!)
We had two shots on target in this half (wow!) and NE corners again!
'The Arse' could easily have had more and we were thankful at least that it wasn't the SEVEN we conceded here last season!

Chants of: "PARDEW! PARDEW! WOTS YOUR EXCUSE!?" (for this defeat and sixth in a row) and: "ALAN PARDEW!---IT'S NEVER YOUR FAULT!" then rang oot aroond the away terraces az the groond emptied rapidly! ---
After the match we heeded for 'The Big Red' on Holloway Road (where we had been before the match) to drown wor predicable sorrows!----"Roll on the close season!"

 Toon team: Krul, Debuchy (Yanga 84), Williamson, Coloccini, Dummett, Tiote, Anita, Sissoko, Gosling (Shola Ameobi 70), Gouffran (Armstrong 89?) <(wot waz the point in bringin' him on for ONE minute!?), Remy

Attendance:*60,023? (1,800 Toon fans)There were thoosands of empty seats due to a tube strike so 'The Arse' must have included their season ticket holders who didn't torn up!)

THE ARSE v THE TOON **** TOOONEET!

Updated 9:15am bells' Monday 28th April 2014

'I Beg Your Pardew' haz spoken aboot hiz 'comeback'? to the dugoot @ 'The Emirates'  toneet after hiz record breakin' 7 game ban from the touchline after hiz infamous heedbutt!

Bearin' in mind we have lost a record breakin' 5 Premyaa Leegue games in a row under hiz stewardship, he reeely shud have kept hiz trap shut, az he haz 'dropped himself in it' in the past! 

Let's hope the above headline doesn't come back to haunt him (and US!) az we attempt to wipe oot the memory of wor 7-3 defeat there last season!

We are on the '12:30 bells' train @ dinnatime and travel back on Tuesday mornin'!
To hoy a spanner in the works there iz a strike planned on the London Undergroond from today for two days, makin' the jorney from King's Cross to Islington (where 'The Arse' play) just a little more difficult than usual!

'The Sissoko Kid' iz back in trainin' but Davide Santon and Papiss Cisse wont feature at aall for the rest of the season!
The bad news iz that Gabriel Obertan and 'Marveaux the Magician'? are fit and rearin' to gan!  Ne news on Ben Arfa or indeed hiz whereabouts????
We have sold just 1,800 tickets for this game and a torrid time iz expected by aall toneet!

A full match report will follow sometime on Tuesday afternoon when we get back! (or Wednesday if the '9 am bells' train from King's Cross iz late, az a'v got to rush to work @ '3 bells' in the afternoon!)

BAD BLUE BOYS 1 SHILDON 1 *** NORTHERN LEEEGUE *** YESTERDAY

Posted '11:27am bells' Sunday 27th April 2014

DUNSTON (IN BLUE) ATTACK THE SHILDON GOAL
@ 'THE TEA HUT END'

The plan to de a Gatesheed 'doubler heeder' didn't come to fruition az the '3 bells' game at Dunston (in west Gatesheed) waz held up after an injury to a Dunston player, which didn't leave much time to heed to the othaa side of town for 'The Heedbangers' vital game against Cambridge which kicked off at '5:30 bells'! (Dunston's groond iz near the 'Metro Centre' and the traffic waz 'chocker' ootside!)

After a very long discussion (aboot 10 seconds!), it waz decided to stay in the Dunston clubhoose instead (for some liquid lubrication!) and get the scores from 'Tex Taylor', who waz at the 'Heed' game!

While 'The Bad Blue Boys of Dunston' drew 1-1 with Shildon, Gatesheed had a magnificent 2-0 win in front of aalmost 3,000 @ The International Stadium!
The result meeenz that they must travel to Grimsby on Thorsday neet for the 1st leg of their semi-final play off, with the 2nd leg @ Gatesheed next Sunday, with the 'prize' for the winners a trip to Wembley Stadium for the final and a place back in The Futbaall Leegue after a 54 year absence!

Az The Toon play Cardiff next Saturday @ St James' it meenz that we will definitely be able to gan to the 2nd leg to cheer 'The Heedbangers' on to Wembley! <(hopefully!)

PS: News on wor trip to London tomorrow when 'The Toon' play 'The Arse' will be forthcomin' later

THE TOON U21s 1 THE ARSE U21s 3 ***YESTERDAY AFTERNOON!

Posted '12:32pm bells' Saturday 26th April 2014

Cunningly disguised az a tree!, 'Liam from the Lamp' took this
'Geordie Times' excluuusive foto @ Darsley Park in yesterday's
behind closed doors game between
The Toon's resorves and The Arse's resorves!

Yesterday afternoon @ Darsley Park, Benton wor U21 resorve side were soundly beaten by The Arse in a behind closed doors encoontaa!
We sent wor secret undercover reporter 'Liam from the Lamp' to this game and he gained admittance by diggin' a hole under the fence and hidin' behind a tree in the groond to avoid detection!

Typically The Toon took the lead through Satka when he heeded home after just 2 minutes! (we say 'typically' az they can never seem to hold onto a lead!)

Just before the break the visitors ('typically'!) equalised through Akpom and the sides went in level.

An Akpom penalty in the 61st minutes gave The Arse the lead for the forst time and they sealed victory at the death when Niles fired home to make it 1-3 to the visitors!

Attendance: 30 friends and family of the players etc , (plus one tree!)

SMOKIN' JOE *** HONOURED AT LAST!

Posted '1:52pm bells' Friday 25th April 2014


FAIRS CUP WINNIN' CAPTAIN BOBBY MONCUR MAKES A SPEECH
AT THE UNVEILIN' OF THE JOE HARVEY PLAQUE


45 years after hiz greatest managerial achievement, and 25 years since he sadly passed away, 'Smokin Joe Harvey' haz had a magnificent bronze plaque unveiled in hiz honour near 'The Jackie Milburn Statue' @ 'The Gallowgate End' of St James' Park.

Joe won 2 FA Cup winners medal in the 1950's az a player and the Inter Cities Fairs Cup in 1969 az a manager!---wor last piece of major silverware! <(aa waz still at skooool!---it waz that lang ago!)

Whey!---'Smokin' Joe' (who waz a chain smoker!) iz SO famous that there's even a band named after him in the USA!

"BLANKETY BLANK X NINE!"

Posted '12:27pm bells' Friday 25th April 2014

"OH NO! *** NOT YEE AGAIN!"

For the 9th (NINETH!) time this season we have a blank weekend az we divvint play 'The Arse' away til Monday neet, meenin' yet more time off graft and of course expense! (hotels etc!)

We think that this MUST be a record, az iz wor 5 (FIVE!) Premyaa Leegue defeats in a row under the 'stewardship'? of 'I Beg Your Pardew'!
Somehow we can't see how this 'run' will not be extended to 6 (SIX!) and a torrid time iz expected @ 'The Em' on Monday neet!

Meeenwhile!--- it isn't aall doon and gloom on Tyneside az 'Gatesheed Heedbangers' play their last game of the season in The Conference against Cambridge United on Saturday teatime and even a draw will secure them a place in the 'play-off semis', with the ultimate dream a victory at Wembley in the final and a retorn to The Futbaall Leegue after a 54 year absence! <(we wish them well!)

Before that game there's anothaa one not far from 'the banks 'o' the Tyne' @ Northern Leegue 'Dunston Bad Blue Boys', who are hostin' Shildon in their final home game of the season @ Federation Park---and that's where we'll be heedin' forst, for this '3 bells kick off'
IF? we have time, then it will be 'a mad dash' to the othaa side of Gatesheed, just alang the Tyne, to try and make the '5:30 bells' kick off @ The International Stadium! <(we shall see!?)