THE CHELSKI OAPs 3 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 9th February 2014

"THE HAZARD WARNIN' LIGHTS ARE FLASHIN'!"

VIEW FROM ROW 5 UPPER TIER, IN 'THE SHED CORNER'
(£55 TO WATCH THE MATCH FROM HERE!)

With less than three hours kip after workin' neetshift, aa dragged meesel oot mee 'pit' and heeded for 'The Central' to catch the '8 bells' train to King's Cross alang with 'Norman the Cowboy Plumber' and hiz bruvva 'Faulty Towers' (Dowaz)

We arrived in the big city some 3 hours later and made straight for Hammersmith where 3 very large breekies were consumed (alang with several pints of 'Smiths'!) in 'The William Morris', before heedin' for 'Earls Court', which isn't too far from Stamford Bridge.

Some of the lads were in 'The Kings Heed' boozer and so that's where we 'heeded for'!---anly to be telt by the bar staff that the manager had just phoned and telt them NOT to sorve anymore Toon fans?--despite the fact that half a dozen of 'wor lot' were proppin' up the bar!---THEY could stay, but we COULDN'T!???
Rather than waste mee breath and argue 'the toss', we heeded for a regular haunt in 'The Blackbird' where the booncers REFUSED us access, sayin' that NE Toon fans were allowed into the bar!

THE KINGS HEAD---NAMED AND SHAMED!

We telt them that we came here every season, but it made ne difference and so we had to sorch for wor THORD boozer in the pourin' rain, which waz an Irish bar alang the road!
There were ne booncers this time and so we entered the packed bar where 'The Liverbirds' were trouncin' 'The Arse' 4-0 on the big screen, much to the delight of the watchin' Chelski fans!

Not suprizingly we decided to 'stay put' and left there with half an hour til kick off, for the 20 minute walk to the groond az the rain kept on pourin' doon!

The Toon had their biggest followin' here for many a year (3,000?) and they were in good voice az the game kicked off, with the forst song directed at wor 'beloved' owner, tellin' him to: "Get out of our club!---yoo fat Cockney bustard!"  <(or words to that effect!)

We started off well and had a couple of chances orly on but it waz the home side who broke the deadlock in the 27th minute when Hazard fired in a great shot in front of the Toon fans.
Their lead waz soon doubled not lang after when a great 'one-two' foond Hazard again and he placed the baall beyond Tim Krul in the Toon to put the game 'beyond 'us'!.

In the 2nd half we hardly did any attackin' and Hazard got hiz hat-trick from the penalty spot when Yanga needlessly pulled a Chelski player doon in the box!

And then at the death Toon super sub'??? 'Marveaux the Magician' failed to find the net when he waz put clean through and somehow he 'conjured up a magic trick' to put the baall wide of the post, when he looked certain to score! (an 'illusion' that completlee baffled us, az we were certain he HAD scored!)

A 3-0 defeat wasn't THAT bad, az we thought it would be more before the game! <(we must be thankful for smaall mercies!)

Just 13 games to gan now in this ever meaningless season!

Toon team: Krul, , Debuchy (Yanga 40), Santon, Williamson, Steve Taylor, Dummett, Anita (Marveaux 84), Ben Arfa (Gosling 64), Sissoko, Sammy Ameobi, De Jong

Attendance: 41,387 (an estimated 3,000 Toon fans!)  

THE CHELSKI OAPs v THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Posted '2:13pm bells' Friday 7th February 2014

Tomorrow @ Stamford Bridge we take on a Chelski side that are on 'a high' after beatin' Man City last week @ The City of Manc Stadium!
In complete contrast we are on 'a low' after last Saturday's 'derby disaster'!
To add to wor woes, Coloccini, Gouffran, Tiote and Cisse are aall injured and will miss the game, while Loic Remy iz still suspended followin' hiz sendin' off at Norwich in January!

Just wot kind of performance we will put in, in "west Landan" iz anybody's guess???, but with wor season effectively finished with 14 games still to gan---and a mid-table slot virtually guaranteed, we will travel doon on the train tomorrow mornin' with one aim in mind! ----"2 GET COMPLETLY P*ST!" ---and by the time we jump back on the 'DRY' 125 @ King's Cross @ '9 bells' tomorrow neet we shud be well into 'singin' mode'!

A'm workin' a neetshift again toneet, back doon to the Bormingham area in mee truck and hopefully, (traffic jam permittin') aa shud be tucked up in 'mee scratcher' by '3:30 bells'---then!---- drag meesel oot again @ '6:30 bells' and make for 'The Central' to catch the '8 bells' to King's Cross alang with 'Norman the Cowboy Plumber' and hiz bruvver 'Faulty' (Towers!) Dowaz' for a bit of 'tonsil ticklin' on the way doon!
(For some daft reason, unbeknown to man nor beast, 'the British Transport Dibbles' deem that yoo CAN drink az many 'CANS' az yoo like on the way doon to London, but 'CAN'NOT on the way back!---and ne doubt they will be waitin' in force at the ticket gates 'to check' for 'alcohol' az we board the train back!)

The match tickets are a whoppin' £55 like last season and the train fare iz £85!---add on taxis and tube fares etc and we are taalkin' aboot £160 for a day oot in London! <(excludin' drink and food of course!) <(add at least sixty quid for that!= £220 plus!)
The away end iz completely sold oot! <(we must have some rich bustards amongst us!?)

Aa wont have any time to de an update in the mornin', so this will be the 'Geordie Times'z last post til aa write the match report on Sunday (sometime!?)
Az per usual---watch this space!  

THE TIPPING POINT!

Posted '12:32pm bells' Thorsday 6th February 2014

Followin' last weeks fiasco when a Toon fan invaded the pitch and hoyed hiz season ticket card at wor beleaguered manager in the home dugout, many hundreds of fans have taken to 'Twitter' and 'Facebook' to say that they will NOT be renewin' their season tickets when the the 'A4' envelope containin' the direct debit from NUFC faalls onto their doormats!

In response to this wor 'Clown Pr*ck of Soccer' 'JoeKanory' waz forced to resign from hiz post az 'Director of Fools' followin' the non purchase of any players, whatsoever! <(or waz he sacked?)

Everybody haz got their 'tipping point' and after last Saturday many fans are now 'ower the edge' and will NOT be in attendance next season!

Meesel and thoosands of others cannit de this however, az we are diehards til we 'pop wor clogs' and will be signin' up for anothaa year of misery, mystery and mayhem! <(mugs til the end!)

Aa honestly divvint blame anybody at aall for wrappin' their tickets in and az many az 10,000 empty seats could be the norm come next August when the 2014-15 season kicks off!

There's anly ONE person to blame for aall this of course!

"ARE YOO READIN' THIS 'FAT CONTROLLER!"??? ^ ^

"SENSATION!" *** "CLOWN PR*CK OF SOCCER RESIGNS!!" *** ("GET THE KEBABS IN!!!")

Posted '2:20pm bells' Tuesday 4th February 2014

NUFCs NEW DIRECTOR OF FUTBAALL***PERHAPS???
("DIVVINT BET AGAINST IT!")

News that 'JoeKanory' 'The Clown Pr*ck of Soccer' resigned at '11:01 bells' last neet from hiz post az 'Director of Fools' haz rocked the futbaall world!
Hiz transfor dealins in the two 'windows' he waz in charge, iz nothin' short of remarkable, spendin' nowt at aall and gettin' ower £20 million for a kebab which waz brilliant business for 'The Fat Controller'!

A number of candidates have been put forward for the vacant job, includin' 'Krusty the Clown' off 'The Simpsons', 'Benny from Crossroads' and Tory MP Anne Widdecombe, who tells us that she haz never seen a futbaall match in hor life!---not even on the telly!

This makes hor red hot favourite for the job and 'Ladbrokes' have instaaled hor at 2/1 'on' for the lucrative vacancy!

"I am sure I can do just a good a job as 'JoeK' in the transfer market!", she is reported to have said and we hear that she will resign 'forthwith' from hor Parliamentary position az Maidstone's MP, shud she be offered the job by 'The Fat Controller'!

'Geordie Times' comment: "The NUFC Madhoose' may az well appoint hor!---she couldn't possibly de any worse than 'JoeKanory'!---could she???" 

More to follow on aall this later!---much later! after av had a few 'liquid lubrications' to calm doon!

"ONLY H******D WAZ WORSE THAN THIS!"

Posted '2:00pm bells' Monday 3rd February 2014

Things were so bad on Sunday mornin', that, when aa went to the newsagents to get the papers, aa just came yem and hoyed them on the settee and have still not read them!---that's how bad wor defeat on Saturday waz!
Even today aa cannit bring meesel to watch a recordin' of 'Match of the Day' form the weekend, az this result gans into mee top two of disastrous defeat in my support for NUFC since the 1960s! (the forst time av ever seen them de 'the double' ower us!)

It waz 44 years ago this month in 1972 that aa had the misfortune to witness my worst defeat ever, when a certain team beginnin' with the letter 'H' <(for Hatred!) knocked uz oot of the FA Cup in front of 'Motty' and co. and thoosands of kids in anoraks who invaded the pitch that sorry, sorry day aall them years ago!

The fact that wor 'beloved'? owner 'The Fat Controller' and hiz sidekick 'Clown Pr*ck of Soccer' and 'Director of Fools' 'JoeKanory' couldn't even be bothered to attend the '150th Tyne/weardo derby' tells yoo everything that yoo need to naa aboot THEIR passion and commitment to the club!

Honestly! it doesn't get any worse than this! <(apart from the 'H' word that iz!) and wor shambolic season iz effectively ower!---
"FULL STOP!............................................................................................!"    

THE TOON 0 THE SMBs 3 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-2014

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 2nd February 2014

 

Toon team who didn't torn up!: Krul?, Debuchy?, Santon?

(Dummett 64?), Tiote?, Williamson?, Steve Taylor?, Sissoko?, Anita? (Marveaux 74?), Shola Ameobi?, Ben Arfa?, Sammy Ameobi? (De Jong 46?)

Attendance: 52,280 (The highest of season for wor very worst 'performance' ??????????????) (2,800 SMBs)

THE TOON v THE SMBs *** TOMORROW DINNAATIME!

Posted '2:00pm bells' Friday 31st January 2014

ST JAMES' PARK *** FROM LEAZES PARK

Loic Remy will, after aall, miss the '150th Tyne/weardo derby' tomorrow, followin' hiz unsuccessful appeal against hiz sendin' off at Norwich on Tuesday neet! (Norwich's Bradley Johnson haz escaped a ban though, even though he kicked oot at Remy to start the fracas and then waz (allegedly) heedbutted by him!? <(ne justice if yoo ask us, but wor manager didn't help by forst sayin' that he would except a 3 match ban!----and then declarin' that we would appeal against the decision!?---the man iz unfathomable some times!?)

Aalso missin' will be Yohan Gouffran and 'Fab' Coloccini through injury and of course Yohan Cabaye! who iz currently in 'gay Paris'!(porminently!)

We reeely MUST BE wound up for this game, or else! and wor new loanee signin' Luuk De Jong will (hopefully?) make hiz debut in the number 18 jorsey and we can anly hope that wor new centre forward 'does the business'!
Az aa write this, ne new signins for cash! have been made on transfor deadline day, with a reported bid of £11 million for Lyon midfielder Clement Grenier torned doon yesterday! <(just NINE hours to gan now before the window shuts!)   

A'm gannin' to graft this afternoon (back 'truckin' to the Bormingham area once more) and won't finish til '3 bells' in the mornin'---then!--- after a few hours 'shut eye', it will be time to drag meesel oot of 'mee pit' and heed for 'The Newcastle Arms', where az many 'liquid refreshments' az possible will be 'shovelled' doon mee 'john o groat', before aa norvousleee climb the 200 stairs to mee seat on 'level 7' of the Milburn Stand for the '12:45 bells' kick off!

Like aa said yesterday, mee fingers, toes, legs and arms will be crossed for this one!

Match report to follow on Sunday-----"Sometime!"   

"ROLL UP! *** ROLL UP!" **** "FOR THE ANNUAL ST JAMES' JANUARY SALES!"

Updated 1:22pm bells' Thorsday 30th January 2014

We get Luuk De Jong for NOTHIN' on LOAN and sell Yohan Cabaye for a reported TWENTY THREE MI££ION QUID!---anothaa good bit of business in the 'Annual January Sales' by 'The Fat Controller', who's back pocket iz even FATTER now!

Star players, Andy Carroll, Demba Ba and now Yohan Cabaye have aall now been sold in recent January transfor windows with NUFC makin' a very tidy profit on aall three of them! < (DO you spot 'a pattern'???) <(DO you spot 'a pattern'???) <(DO you ---- - -------???)  

The silence from wor very own 'Clown Pr*ck of Soccer', 'JoeKanory', iz deafenin' az we fast approach the last day of 'the window' and we have now gone more than ONE YEAR since we last signed a forst team player for cash, which waz Moussa Sissoko (aka 'The Sissoko Kid'!) from French club Toulouse on January 25th 2013 for an undisclosed fee! <('peanuts' we suspect!)


We can anly hope that 23 year old centre forward and Dutch International De Jong 'hits the groond runnin' against the SMBs in the '12:45 bells' derby on Saturday.
Many fans feel that wor season will end on Saturday (az there iz nowt else to play for, for the rest of the season, apart from this game!) and anly a passionate performance will do---unlike the last two disastrous derby debacles we have put in against them!

We will sit in The Milburn Stand with fingers, toes, legs and arms crossed on Saturday!    

 

 

 

PS: THE FRONT AND BACK PAGES OF TODAY'S 'RONNY-GILL SEZ IT AALL!

 

"WE REEELY DIVVINT NEED TO ADD ANYTHING!"

THE CANARY CUSTARD CRUMBLES 0 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Posted '6:00pm bells' Wednesday 29th January 2014

A Yohan 'Cabaye-less' Toon line up couldn't break doon 'The Custards' defence despite hittin' the woodwork THREE times durin' the game!
We aalso had othaa glorious chances which were missed plus a couple of free kicks that Paris bound Cabaye would surely have put away!
Cabaye's departure for a reported £23 million just FIVE days before wor derby against The SMBs iz unforgivable in wor opinion and we can anly hope that 'The Fat Controller's' decision to pocket 'the bit' will not come back to haunt us at the weekend!?

We were the better team throughout by 'a country mile' and shud have easily won this encoontaa against a p*ss poor team who will definatleee be in the relegation mix come next May!

Sammy Ameobi proved to be wor star man of the game az the rain poured doon @ Carrow Road!

Loic Remy hit the post orly on and this waz repeated by Norwich defender Johnson who kicked the baall against hiz own post!

Ben Arfa missed a great chance when it waz easier to score and we went in at the break goal-less, when we shud have been at least THREE up!
Boos from the home faithful? then rang oot az the teams left for the dressin' rooms!

Again in the 2nd period we came oot in positive mood and Ben Arfa waz felled in the box in the 52nd minute but the ref waved 'play on'!

Then on the hour mark Ben Arfa waz fouled on the edge of the box and this time the ref awarded us a free kick. This Waz taken by Remy and hiz shot boonced off the bar and behind for a goal kick!--like aa say---the THORD time we had hit the frame of the goal! <(treble curses!)

And then the 'moment' of the game in the 80th minute when Remy tangled with Norwich's Johnson and waz adjudged to have 'stuck the nut on him' (a head-but!)
The ref sends both players off, which means wor top goalscorer will miss the derby match on Saturday! <(it just went from bad to worse!)

'The Canary Custard' fans torned a bit nasty and started singin': "YOU DIRTY NORTHERN BUSTARDS!" <(or words to that effect!)  az they point towards the Toon fans. We respond by singin': "YER JUST A BUNCH OF PIG FARMERS!", a reference to the many such pig farms in the Norfolk countryside that yoo can see from the train windows az yoo approach the ootskirts of Norwich!

"SPOT THE BACON SARNIES!"
(A PIG FARM ON THE PETERBOROUGH TO NORWICH LINE!)

It somehow ended goal-less---the luckiest point that Norwich will get this season! <(If anly we had a player like Yoh** ******!)

Toon team: Krul, Santon, Williamson, Debuchy, Steve Taylor, Tiote, Sissoko, Anita, Ben Arfa (Shola Ameobi 75), Remy, Sammy Ameobi (Haidera 87)

Attendance: 26,752 (1,500 Toon fans)

*Above pix by 'Liam from the Lamp' (my camera 'chucked it' before the game!)




PS: ON THE WAY BACK FROM NORWICH ON WEDNESDAY MORNIN', 
'BIG AL' TOOK THIS AMAZIN' FOTO NEAR ELY, AZ THE TRAIN MADE IT'S
WAY BACK TO PETERBOROUGH---AND NO! IT'S NOT THE NORTH SEA---
IT'S A FLOOD AZ FAR AZ THE EYE CAN SEE (OR SHUD THAT READ 'SEA'!?)



THE CANARY CUSTARDS v THE TOON *** TOMORROW NEET IN NORFOLK!

Posted '1:20pm bells' Monday 27th January 2014

Tomorrow mornin' we must travel to deepest Norfolk for wor Premyaa Leegue game @ Carrow Road. Just why the fixture fixers can't give us a nearer game mid-week beats us every time?

We are on the 10:22 bells train to Peterborough and then onwards to Norwich on the 'snail line'! (arrivin' sometime tomorrow afternoon!)
Because we can't get a train back, we have been forced to stop owerneet and come back on the Wednesday mornin'!
(It's eethaa that or get the bus for the torturous 500 mile plus roond trip and get back in the orly hours of Wednesday!)

Paris St. Germain have put a bid in for £14 million for Yohan Cabaye which haz been deemed 'unacceptable by 'The NUFC Fat Controller', so a bid thay IZ 'acceptable' could be on hiz table before the end of the week and he could be gone forever!

It will be interestin' to say the least to see if he iz in wor startin' line up tomorrow neet?---if not---then fear the worst!
'I Beg Your Pardew' iz in 'The Ronny-Gill' today sayin' that we can qualify for the Europa Leegue---a competition we simply divvint want to be in, accordin' to wor manager at the start of the season! <(yi cannit make it up at wor club!)

Meeenwhile---not a 'peep' oot of wor 'Director of Fools' 'JoeKanory', az to any incomin' players with just FOWER days to gan before the transfor window closes!

WE gan to Norwich lookin' for wor SEVENTH win on the road this season in 'The Premyaa' and az the home side are on a 'downer' at the moment, hopefully we can put in a 'Dr Jykell' performance rathaa than a 'Mr Hyde' one! <(we shall see!?)

A full match reprt won't be forthcomin' til we get back on Wednesday afternoon, so watch this space on Wednesday neet!