THE TOON 0 THE SMBs 3 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-2014

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 2nd February 2014

 

Toon team who didn't torn up!: Krul?, Debuchy?, Santon?

(Dummett 64?), Tiote?, Williamson?, Steve Taylor?, Sissoko?, Anita? (Marveaux 74?), Shola Ameobi?, Ben Arfa?, Sammy Ameobi? (De Jong 46?)

Attendance: 52,280 (The highest of season for wor very worst 'performance' ??????????????) (2,800 SMBs)

THE TOON v THE SMBs *** TOMORROW DINNAATIME!

Posted '2:00pm bells' Friday 31st January 2014

ST JAMES' PARK *** FROM LEAZES PARK

Loic Remy will, after aall, miss the '150th Tyne/weardo derby' tomorrow, followin' hiz unsuccessful appeal against hiz sendin' off at Norwich on Tuesday neet! (Norwich's Bradley Johnson haz escaped a ban though, even though he kicked oot at Remy to start the fracas and then waz (allegedly) heedbutted by him!? <(ne justice if yoo ask us, but wor manager didn't help by forst sayin' that he would except a 3 match ban!----and then declarin' that we would appeal against the decision!?---the man iz unfathomable some times!?)

Aalso missin' will be Yohan Gouffran and 'Fab' Coloccini through injury and of course Yohan Cabaye! who iz currently in 'gay Paris'!(porminently!)

We reeely MUST BE wound up for this game, or else! and wor new loanee signin' Luuk De Jong will (hopefully?) make hiz debut in the number 18 jorsey and we can anly hope that wor new centre forward 'does the business'!
Az aa write this, ne new signins for cash! have been made on transfor deadline day, with a reported bid of £11 million for Lyon midfielder Clement Grenier torned doon yesterday! <(just NINE hours to gan now before the window shuts!)   

A'm gannin' to graft this afternoon (back 'truckin' to the Bormingham area once more) and won't finish til '3 bells' in the mornin'---then!--- after a few hours 'shut eye', it will be time to drag meesel oot of 'mee pit' and heed for 'The Newcastle Arms', where az many 'liquid refreshments' az possible will be 'shovelled' doon mee 'john o groat', before aa norvousleee climb the 200 stairs to mee seat on 'level 7' of the Milburn Stand for the '12:45 bells' kick off!

Like aa said yesterday, mee fingers, toes, legs and arms will be crossed for this one!

Match report to follow on Sunday-----"Sometime!"   

"ROLL UP! *** ROLL UP!" **** "FOR THE ANNUAL ST JAMES' JANUARY SALES!"

Updated 1:22pm bells' Thorsday 30th January 2014

We get Luuk De Jong for NOTHIN' on LOAN and sell Yohan Cabaye for a reported TWENTY THREE MI££ION QUID!---anothaa good bit of business in the 'Annual January Sales' by 'The Fat Controller', who's back pocket iz even FATTER now!

Star players, Andy Carroll, Demba Ba and now Yohan Cabaye have aall now been sold in recent January transfor windows with NUFC makin' a very tidy profit on aall three of them! < (DO you spot 'a pattern'???) <(DO you spot 'a pattern'???) <(DO you ---- - -------???)  

The silence from wor very own 'Clown Pr*ck of Soccer', 'JoeKanory', iz deafenin' az we fast approach the last day of 'the window' and we have now gone more than ONE YEAR since we last signed a forst team player for cash, which waz Moussa Sissoko (aka 'The Sissoko Kid'!) from French club Toulouse on January 25th 2013 for an undisclosed fee! <('peanuts' we suspect!)


We can anly hope that 23 year old centre forward and Dutch International De Jong 'hits the groond runnin' against the SMBs in the '12:45 bells' derby on Saturday.
Many fans feel that wor season will end on Saturday (az there iz nowt else to play for, for the rest of the season, apart from this game!) and anly a passionate performance will do---unlike the last two disastrous derby debacles we have put in against them!

We will sit in The Milburn Stand with fingers, toes, legs and arms crossed on Saturday!    

 

 

 

PS: THE FRONT AND BACK PAGES OF TODAY'S 'RONNY-GILL SEZ IT AALL!

 

"WE REEELY DIVVINT NEED TO ADD ANYTHING!"

THE CANARY CUSTARD CRUMBLES 0 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Posted '6:00pm bells' Wednesday 29th January 2014

A Yohan 'Cabaye-less' Toon line up couldn't break doon 'The Custards' defence despite hittin' the woodwork THREE times durin' the game!
We aalso had othaa glorious chances which were missed plus a couple of free kicks that Paris bound Cabaye would surely have put away!
Cabaye's departure for a reported £23 million just FIVE days before wor derby against The SMBs iz unforgivable in wor opinion and we can anly hope that 'The Fat Controller's' decision to pocket 'the bit' will not come back to haunt us at the weekend!?

We were the better team throughout by 'a country mile' and shud have easily won this encoontaa against a p*ss poor team who will definatleee be in the relegation mix come next May!

Sammy Ameobi proved to be wor star man of the game az the rain poured doon @ Carrow Road!

Loic Remy hit the post orly on and this waz repeated by Norwich defender Johnson who kicked the baall against hiz own post!

Ben Arfa missed a great chance when it waz easier to score and we went in at the break goal-less, when we shud have been at least THREE up!
Boos from the home faithful? then rang oot az the teams left for the dressin' rooms!

Again in the 2nd period we came oot in positive mood and Ben Arfa waz felled in the box in the 52nd minute but the ref waved 'play on'!

Then on the hour mark Ben Arfa waz fouled on the edge of the box and this time the ref awarded us a free kick. This Waz taken by Remy and hiz shot boonced off the bar and behind for a goal kick!--like aa say---the THORD time we had hit the frame of the goal! <(treble curses!)

And then the 'moment' of the game in the 80th minute when Remy tangled with Norwich's Johnson and waz adjudged to have 'stuck the nut on him' (a head-but!)
The ref sends both players off, which means wor top goalscorer will miss the derby match on Saturday! <(it just went from bad to worse!)

'The Canary Custard' fans torned a bit nasty and started singin': "YOU DIRTY NORTHERN BUSTARDS!" <(or words to that effect!)  az they point towards the Toon fans. We respond by singin': "YER JUST A BUNCH OF PIG FARMERS!", a reference to the many such pig farms in the Norfolk countryside that yoo can see from the train windows az yoo approach the ootskirts of Norwich!

"SPOT THE BACON SARNIES!"
(A PIG FARM ON THE PETERBOROUGH TO NORWICH LINE!)

It somehow ended goal-less---the luckiest point that Norwich will get this season! <(If anly we had a player like Yoh** ******!)

Toon team: Krul, Santon, Williamson, Debuchy, Steve Taylor, Tiote, Sissoko, Anita, Ben Arfa (Shola Ameobi 75), Remy, Sammy Ameobi (Haidera 87)

Attendance: 26,752 (1,500 Toon fans)

*Above pix by 'Liam from the Lamp' (my camera 'chucked it' before the game!)




PS: ON THE WAY BACK FROM NORWICH ON WEDNESDAY MORNIN', 
'BIG AL' TOOK THIS AMAZIN' FOTO NEAR ELY, AZ THE TRAIN MADE IT'S
WAY BACK TO PETERBOROUGH---AND NO! IT'S NOT THE NORTH SEA---
IT'S A FLOOD AZ FAR AZ THE EYE CAN SEE (OR SHUD THAT READ 'SEA'!?)



THE CANARY CUSTARDS v THE TOON *** TOMORROW NEET IN NORFOLK!

Posted '1:20pm bells' Monday 27th January 2014

Tomorrow mornin' we must travel to deepest Norfolk for wor Premyaa Leegue game @ Carrow Road. Just why the fixture fixers can't give us a nearer game mid-week beats us every time?

We are on the 10:22 bells train to Peterborough and then onwards to Norwich on the 'snail line'! (arrivin' sometime tomorrow afternoon!)
Because we can't get a train back, we have been forced to stop owerneet and come back on the Wednesday mornin'!
(It's eethaa that or get the bus for the torturous 500 mile plus roond trip and get back in the orly hours of Wednesday!)

Paris St. Germain have put a bid in for £14 million for Yohan Cabaye which haz been deemed 'unacceptable by 'The NUFC Fat Controller', so a bid thay IZ 'acceptable' could be on hiz table before the end of the week and he could be gone forever!

It will be interestin' to say the least to see if he iz in wor startin' line up tomorrow neet?---if not---then fear the worst!
'I Beg Your Pardew' iz in 'The Ronny-Gill' today sayin' that we can qualify for the Europa Leegue---a competition we simply divvint want to be in, accordin' to wor manager at the start of the season! <(yi cannit make it up at wor club!)

Meeenwhile---not a 'peep' oot of wor 'Director of Fools' 'JoeKanory', az to any incomin' players with just FOWER days to gan before the transfor window closes!

WE gan to Norwich lookin' for wor SEVENTH win on the road this season in 'The Premyaa' and az the home side are on a 'downer' at the moment, hopefully we can put in a 'Dr Jykell' performance rathaa than a 'Mr Hyde' one! <(we shall see!?)

A full match reprt won't be forthcomin' til we get back on Wednesday afternoon, so watch this space on Wednesday neet!

"THUNDERBIRDS ARE" *** "GO!"

Posted '2:30pm bells' Friday 24th January 2014





"SOMEWHERE IN THE WEST END OF NEWCASSEL!" ***
"MANCHESTER THIS WAY!" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A text message just received from 'Liam from the Lamp', confirms that we ARE to make the trip to Manchester tomorrow dinnatime for wor U18s game against Man Us equivalent @ their plush trainin' groond in Carrington!

A'm workin' neetshift doon to the Bormingham area toneet once again in mee truck (120th time since last Joon!) and shud be finished by '3 bells' in the mornin' at the latest!
This meenz aa can (hopefully?) 'grab' fower hours kip ---"ZZZZZzzzzz!!!!!" ---before gettin' up again @ '8 bells' and gan past Wetherby racecourse yet again, on the way to the M62 motorway!
'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' (aall fower of us!) will set off in 'Thunderbird 2' <(or 'Michael the Mags' 'jam jar', az the case may be!) at '8:30 bells' preciseleee!


The weather forecast for the 'manc' area toneet iz for heavy rain and the last thing we want, iz to get there and find the game iz off, like the other week at Bishop's Stortford, when we went to watch the resorves play Sporz resorves <(or DIDN'T, az waz the case!)
(see right hand tool-bar (ground number 307 (NOT!)>>>

'The Geordie Times' secret club insider will keep me posted tomorrow, shud anything unforeseen happen and a full 'Geordie Times' match report on the game will be forthcomin', sometime on Sunday! <(shud the game take place!?)

ANOTHAA FORST TEAM BLANKETY BLANK WEEKEND! *** BUT!

Updated '12:30pm bells' Thorsday 23nd January 2014

Yet anothaa blank weekend iz comin' up, inflicted and caused entirely by worsels!
The FA Cup iz to blame, az we are of course ne langer in it! (thanx to wor exit to Cardiff!) and we divvint play again til next Tuesday, when we face the lang jorney to East Anglia to play 'Delia's Custard Crumbles' @ Carrow Road in a Premyaa Leegue encoontaa.
And the players 'reward' for gettin' knocked oot of the cup by an inferior team???---a weeks sunshine break to Dubai (with their golf clubs ne doubt?) while we, the fans, shiver on Tyneside!

In the meantime, while they try to get their golf handicaps doon,  we are 'toyin' with the idea of gannin' to Manchester on Saturday instead, to watch wor Under 18s in action against Man U U18s @ their trainin' groond in Carrington!

We divvint normally gan to watch the kids away, but with a blank weekend to fill, it's a chance to chalk anotha Premyaa Leegue trainin' groond, off the smaall list that we have been te and which we can coont on one hand! <(ie: Of the current Premyaa Leegue trainin' groonds, we have been to, we include: NUFC, SMB, Sporz, West Brom and Stoke!)

We will let yoo know on Friday if we are definatly gannin', but theeze games can be cancelled or changed at very short notice with different kick off times and venues!  <(ie: we divvint want anothaa wasted jorney like we did to Bishop's Stortford! (see ground 307 (NOT!)   (see right hand tool-bar)>>>>

THE TOON U18s 4 THE SMB U18s 0 *** FA YOUTH CUP 4th ROOND

Posted '10:45am bells' Tuesday 21st January 2014

"COME ALL WITHOUT! *** COME ALL WITHIN!"

A hat-trick by Jonathyn Quinn ensured that The Toon progressed to the 5th roond stage of the FA Youth Cup last neet @ St James' Park against a p*ss poor mackem outfit!

We dominated from the start and pounded the SMB goal, but the inevertible  breakthrough didn't come til near half time when Rolando Aarons crossed and number 9 Quinn fired home @ The Leazes End of the groond!


THE TOON PLAYERS CELEBRATE AFTER 'THE MIGHTY QUINN'S' OPENER!

The lead waz doubled 10 mins after the re-start when Adam Armstrong's cross waz fumbled by mackem keeper (wait for it!) Maksymilian Stryjek! and Quinn waz at hand once again to slot home from five yards oot!

'The Mighty Quinn' completed hiz hat-trick in the 72nd minute when Jamie Sterry passed in field to wor 'number 9', who drove the baall past mackem keeper 'mak' @ The Gallowgate End to put the game beyond the 'weardosiders'!

"CHEESE-IO!---CHEESE-IO!---CHEESE-IO!"

The rout waz completed by Adam Armstrong 7 minutes from time after a mis-hit back pass foond him, and he had the easy chance of scorin' wor 4th goal and teach the SMBs 'a futbaall lesson' they won't forget in a lang time!


'BLONDIE ALAN THE MORRIS DANCER' GIVES A 'V' FOR VICTORY SALUTE!

By the time the 4th goal had went in 90% of the 200 or so mackems who were huddled in the 'North East Corner' had departed to mockin' chants from the 3,000 plus Toon fans of: "CHEESE-IO!---CHEESE-IO!---CHEESE-IO!" (az opposed to 'cheerio'!) in reference to the many 'Cheesey Chip shops' in the 'Hendon', 'Pennywell' and 'Witherwack' areas of mackemland! <(Yes! there iz such a place az 'Witherwack'!)

Attendance 3,501 (200 SMBs)

THE TOON U18s v THE SMB U18s *** FA YOUTH CUP @ ST JAMES' PARK *** TOOONEET!

Posted '1:17pm bells' Monday 20th January 2014

THE TOON U18s v DARLO U18s FA YOUTH CUP 2012
THE TOON WON *** VIEW FROM 'THE EAST STAND'

We are not even into the last week of January but we are set to play The SMBs for the THORD time this year aalready, when we take on their U18s in The FA Youth Cup 4th roond in a '7 bells' kick off @ St James'!

We have aalready won the previous 2 derbies @ The Academy of Sshh! (Yee Naa Wot!?) with wor U18s winnin' 1-0 and wor U16s winnin' 2-1 on Saturday 11th January

Az usual in theeze games anly The East Stand will be open for payin' spectators!
It's £3 for big kids and £1 for sprogs and zimmerframeites (Season tickets NOT valid for this game! <(Yi'll have to pay!)

'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' will be meetin' in 'The Newcastle Arms' az we normally do, for a few 'gargels' pre and post match, if anyone cares to join us!?
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<


Match report and pix to follow tomorrow---sometime!

THE JELLIED EELS MOB 1 THE TOON 3 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2013-14

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 19th January 2014

THE 3rd GOAL! *** YOHAN CABAYE FIRES IN 
A FREE KICK FROM THE EDGE OF THE BOX!
(SORRY ABOOT THE BLURRED PICTURE!)
TOOO MUCH DRINK AGAIN, I'M AFRAID!

"NUMBER 5 *** WHO ARE YOO???!"

The day started off at 'The Central' where we caught the '7:22am bells' train doon to 'The Smoke', arrivin' in East Ham just after openin' time!
'The Overdraft Tavern' iz wor 'local' when we are doon here and the boozer iz just alang the road from East Ham tube station and aboot a 20 minute waalk from the groond!

After a (canny few!) liquid refreshments it waz time to heed for the tornstiles where there were massive queues for the Toon end!
A little bit of 'queue jumpin' later and we were in wor seats near the corner flag at the back of the stand!

We started off well and before lang we were in the lead when a pass from 'Goofy' Gouffran foond Yohan Cabaye who skipped around the West Ham defence to slot home @ 'The Bobby Moore End'! <(the far 'end' from us)

And then a bit of confusion az to who had actually scored wor 2nd a few minutes later, when wor 'number 5?' fired into the net??? (we DON'T have a number 5 on wor books???)
It transpired that it waz in fact Loic Remy who scored wor 2nd! Unbeknown to us, he'd had to swop hiz number 14 shirt coz there waz blood on it and he waz given a number 5 shirt for the rest of the half! (This goal brought a response from the home fans in 'The Chicken Run', who sang, "We hate Fat Sam more than you!") 

We were coastin' it at this point and then bang on half time we conceded a soft goal which trickled into wor net in front of the 3,000 Toon fans present, behind the goal!

LOOKIN' TOWARDS 'THE FAT SAM APPRECIATION SOCIETY'
IN 'THE CHICKEN RUN'!
(VIEW FROM ROW 'AA' IN THE 'CLEVER TREVOR' BROOKING STAND!)
 

"ANDY CARROLL HE LOVES THE TOON!"

'Big Fat Sam's Jellied Eels' Mob then came oot in the 2nd half with aall guns blazin' and missed a glorious chance orly on to grab the equaliser through Cole in front of the goal!
Andy Carroll then 'striped off' to make hiz 1st home appearance of the season to wild applause from their fans!
He then missed a glorious chance az well, when he 'skied' the baall into row 'ZZ' when it waz much easier to score!
This brung a response from the Toon fans who sang, "Andy Carroll he  loves The Toon!"

Then at 'the death' Carroll fouled Ben Arfa on the edge of the box and Yohan Cabaye took the free kick which rebounded in off the keeper and post, to seal the victory, az the Toon faithful 'went mental'! <(Andy reeely DOES love The Toon!)

After the match we went back to 'The Overdraft' for some 'celebratory sustenance', before heedin' for 'The Ship Tavern' in 'Holborn', before boardin' the last train back to Tyneside @ '9 bells' from 'King's Cross'! 

Toon team: Krul, Santon (Dummett 74), Williamson, Steve Taylor, Yanga, Tiote, Anita (Shola Ameobi 60), Cabaye, Sissoko, Remy (Ben Arfa 78), Gouffran

Attendance: 33,343 (3,000 happy Toon fans!)

'Geordie Times' 'factfile': Loic Remy's goal waz the 22,222nd goal scored on matchday 22 in the Premyaa Leegue's 22 year history!