SPORZ 0 THE TOON 1

Posted '1:48pm bells' Monday 11th November 2013

"WE WILL REMEMBER THEM!" >>>>>

THE SUN BLAZES DOON AZ THE TOON 'BLAZE DOON' ON THE SPORZ GOAL!
(The Toon are in 'Brazil yellow'!)

"KRUL' LUCK FOR SPORZ, AZ WE HAD THE PORFECT 'REMY'DY!"

It waz 45 years and 1 day since mee forst visit to 'the smoke' when we drew 0-0 with 'The Arse' @ Highbury in 1968, which iz just fower miles doon the road from White Hart Lane!

And this of course torned oot to be a 'very happy annivorary' az we beat 'The Arse's' arch rivals 'Sporz' 1-0 with a superb goal from Loic Remy in the 13th minute, when he rounded Brad Friedel in the home goal @ 'wor end' of the groond!

The 1st half belonged to us az we pressed for the opener from 'the off' and Remy's goal bore 'the fruits of our labour' az the Toon played in their new 'Brazil' 3rd strip of yellow shirts, blue shorts and white socks!

We could have had more but had to settle for a one goal advantage at the break az Sporz predictably 'came at us' from the start of the 2nd half.
Tim Krul waz wor hero of this half when he made save after breathtakin' save az Sporz laid siege to wor goal, but 'lady luck' waz on wor side this time az they just couldn't get the baall into wor net!

The biased ref and hiz two linesmen gave decision after decision to the home side (or shud that be 'b*stard' referee and linesmen?) but somehow we held oot to claim the 3 away points az the 2,400 Toon fans celebrated wildleee at the final whistle after SIX minutes of extra time waz added by 'the b*stard in the black'!

After the match we heeded to 'McGlynn's bar' near King's Cross for a few 'doon yer neck' 'gargels' before heedin for the train yem!

 Wor train waz predicably 'dry' on the way back, with one 'Transport Dibble' askin' me THREE TIMES if I had any alcohol in mee bag, az he shaked uncontrollably! <(hopin' that aa had, so he  could 'nick me'!)
"Aall av got mate, iz a couple of 'scabby eyes'(pies) and a bottle of 'Fanta' orange!", aa said, az he looked at me 'deflatedly' < (if there's such a word!)

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Williamson, Yanga, Santon, Sissoko, Cabaye, Tiote, Gouffran (Obertan 84), Remy (Cisse 74), Shola Ameobi (Anita 59)

Attendance: 36,042 (2,400 very happy and relieved Toon fans!)

SPORZ v THE TOON *** 'HIGH NOON BELLS' ***THIS SUNDAY DINNAATIME!

Updated '1:40pm bells' Saturday 9th November 2013

 

 

"READY FOR 'THE OFF'!"

For the fourth weekend in a row we find worsels with a dinnaatime kick of, this time @ White Hart Lane in "norf Landan" at the ungodly Sunday 'Sky' time of 'high noon bells' <(they really couldn't give a sh*t aboot us---could they???)

We find worsels on the five to seven bells' train, which (hopefully!) wont be delayed by floods, famine or 'leaves on the line' and we shud be able to get a few gargels before the game!
But we won't be in Tottenham for a drink az many of the pubs are now eetha boarded up, been torned into 'flower shops' etc or were bornt doon in the riots!
A few 'liquid lubrications' aroond King's Cross looks wor best bet, when we get there!

Aall the trains back are 'dry' of course, thanx to the British Transport Dibbles (just to make wor 'trip experience'  a bit more less enjoyable---yoo understand!)
Which begs the question once again!---Why don't they just ban the troublemakers and leave the rest of us in peace???

The Toon will be playin' in their new 'Mellow Yellow' away (3rd!) strip and 'Fab' Coloccini iz expected to feature az iz Cheik Tiote who haz been carryin' an injury.
Ne sign however of 'Spiderman' Guttierrez who iz still in Argentina due to 'family reasons'?

The Toon have sold their entire allocation of tickets, which numbers some 2,400 we understand!

Match report to follow sometime on Monday!

45 YEARS AGO TODAY! ***GROOND NUMBER 004 !

Updated 'high noon bells' Saturday 9th November 2013

HIGHBURY ***AZ IT LOOKED IN 1968

It iz 45 years ago tooday since aa forst saw The Toon play in London against The Arse @ their old Highbury groond and it waz aalso Remembrance Sunday week az well!
By pure coincidence aa will find meesel back in norf Landan this Remembrance Sunday when we play Sporz @ White Hart Lane.

Back in 1968 Harold Wilson waz Labour Prime minister, and Ted Heath hiz Tory opponent. The Beatles and The Rollin' Stones were in their heyday and it waz anly two bob to get into a futbaall match (10p! kids---20p adults!) and programmes were sixpence (less than 3p!)

Beer waz less than two bob a pint (although aa waz too young to drink back then!) and yoo could buy a packet of fish n chips for 'one and six'! (7p!)

Below iz mee archive match report from that day when aa travelled doon to 'the smoke' for the forst time by the supporters club bus for the princely sum of 25 shillings! <(mee finx!?) (£1:25p!)

"Aa memories!" <("quick!---pass mee zimmer frame!")

MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS ALERT! *** "NEW GROOND!***NEW GROOND!***NEW GROOND!"

Posted '12:43pm bells' Wednesday 6th November 2013

"URGENT NEWSFLASH!"



"IF THIS DOESN'T HAVE YOO
DROOOOLIN' AT THE MOUTH
THEN NOTHIN' WILL!"

Attention aall 'mad-sad groundhoppers', be yoo of the 'NUFC Variety' or the 'Anorak Brigade' who follow non leegue futbaall!
The Geordie Times haz been informed by mad-sad groundhoppers 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer' and 'Biffa the Bear', that a Toon X1 will officially open Consett's new groond on Friday 22nd November @ 7:45pm bells'!
 

Admission will be £6 for big kids***£3 for zimmerframeites***£1 for sprogs!

The new groond which cost 3 million poond to build iz situated in the Crookhaall area of Consett aboot half a mile sooth of the toon centre!

REMEMBER!---yoo read this forst in The Geordie Times and ne where else!

305 THE HAZBEENS & VILLIANS U21s 6 THE TOON U21s 2 ! ***PIRELLI STADIUM

Posted '12:40pm bells' 'Bonfire Day' Tuesday 5th November 2013

(Ground number 305)
Date of First Visit: 4th November 2013
Pirelli Stadium, Burton on Trent

Aston Villa U21s 6
Newcastle United U21s 2 (Armstrong, Vuckic) 

FA Premier U21 Reserve League
Attendance: 222 (12 NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers!) (plus quite a few Geordie exiles!)

"GONE FOR A BURTON!"---
("116 YEARS OF HURT, CONTINUED!")

Six 'mad-sad groundhoppers' set off from the Newcastle Arms @ 1:40pm bells' in 'The Geordie Times' mini bus and we arrived in Burton some 3 hours later and parked up at the groond.
From there we made for a boozer we'd passed on the way in called 'The Beech' which waz just ower the road from the huge brewery which dominates the town!

After a while it waz time to heed back to the groond where six more 'saddos' were assembled, makin' a total of twelve of us who had travelled doon from various parts of northern England from Ashington to York!

A small crowd, which aa estimated waz around the 250 mark were in the main stand, with the rest of the groond empty, az iz usual in theeze games! < (the actual attendance waz 222 so aa wasn't that far off the mark!)

And so 'it came to pass' that aftaa a gap of 116 years, The Toon were back in Burton! <(must be some kind of record!?)

The Toon made a great start when, in wor forst attack we went aheed with a fine lob ower their keeper from Adam Armstrong after he had been put through by Adam Campbell!

Wor lead waz short lived however!---and the 'home'? side equalised soon after! They then went aheed just before the break az freezing fog appeared ower the roof tops beyond!


"DOUBLE FAGGOTS AALL ROOND PLEEEZE!"

We went for a 'nose bag' at the half time interval and on the menu waz 'faggot' and 'double faggot'!
Aa took a photo and the wifey behind the coontaa asked if aa waz dein' some kind of 'promotional shots'!

Obviously, 'a faggot' meens something totally different in Burton than wot it meens in Newcastle!
Aa decided NOT to gan into details of just wot 'faggot' meant in 'Geordie slang' and got tucked into some sausage and chip instead az 'faggots' were off the menu anyway! <(Aye!--we asked!)

She just looked at me totally bemused and puzzled az aa waalked back to mee seat for the restart! <(waz I an undercover food inspector?)

The 2nd half wasn't very good az far az we were concerned and it took until the 70 minute befor we had an effort on target!
Just after this 'The Hazbeens' then went 3-1 up through a penalty which Toon goalie Jack Alnwick nearly saved (but didn't!)

At last! we had a shot on target which foond the net! when Haris Vuckic bent the baall in from 18 yards oot in the 78th minute to set up a thrillin' last 12 minutes!





However! we fell apart and conceded THREE goals in the last THREE minutes az wor shape went 'pear'! and in the end we lost 6-2 az the fog desended!

The venue for wor heaviest defeat in wor history way back in 1895 happened just half a mile doon the road at 'Derby Turn', when we lost 9-0 to 'long gone' Burton Wanderers!
Az mentioned above, wor last ever visit to this town waz 116 years ago on Saturday December 18th 1897, when we lost 3-1 to anothaa Burton side caalled 'Burton Swifts' with wor anly goal comin' from a certain 'J. White' <(remember him!?)

Burton on Trent iz NOT a happy huntin' groond for us---that's for sure!, but this waz yet anothaa Leegue groond 'off the list'!

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS! ***THE HAZBEENS & VILLIANS U21s v THE TOON U21s @ BURTON!

Posted '12:50pm bells' Monday 4th November 2013

"116 YEARS OF HURT!"

Brilliant news for NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers!---The Toon U21s are due to play Villa's equivalent @ The Pirelli Stadium, Burton on Trent tooneet @ '7 bells'!

The last time we played a competitive game in Burton waz on December 18th 1897! when we lost 3-1 to Burton Swifts in a Division 2 game some 116 years ago, when a certain
'J. White' <(remember him!?) scored hiz one and anly goal for us!

But much worse than that!---we suffered wor worst ever defeat in this town on Monday 15th April 1895 when we lost by NINE goals to NIL against Burton Wanderers in anothaa Division 2 game!

The Pirelli Stadium iz of course home to Burton Albion who (thankfully!) we have never been te or played before in wor history!

'The Hazbeens and Villians' play their U21 resorve games here and this iz a 'once in a lifetime' opportunity for us to 'tick this one' 'off wor list' of Leegue groonds visited, watchin' The Toon! 

An estimated TEN! feckless followers from Tyneside and beyond are expected to make the 350 mile roond trip doon to the midlands, (just sooth of Derby) and of course we expect to see a few 'Geordie exiles' az well in the crowd when we get there!

We leave in 'The Geordie Times' mini bus in just ower half an hours time @ 1:30 pm bells' from 'The Newcastle Arms' in St Andrews Street, which iz within eazy 'hocklin distance' of St James' Park!

A full 'mad-sad groundhoppers' match report on this game will be forthcomin' sometime on Tuesday---so!---watch this space then!

THE TOON 2 THE CHELSKI OAPs 0 !

Posted '9:55am bells' Sunday 3rd November 2013

Aftaa the disastrous week we have just had, the last thing we needed waz a game against 'in form' Chelski, who had won their previous six games!

And indeed, the visitors were 'on fire' in the 1st half with attack after attack and it seemed anly a matter of time before they broke the deadlock in the poarin' rain!
Wor 1st shot on target didn't come until the 30th minute when Cabaye had a weak effort saved by Chelski keeper Cech @ The Leazes End!

Somehow we managed to get to the break withoot concedin' and were grateful for that at least!

If you'd said to me or 'Norman the Cowboy Plumber', who waz sittin' next to me, that we would win this, we would have sent for the men in white coats to take you away in a straight jacket to the nearest lunatic asylum!

"A VERY RAINY ST JAMES' PARK!"

But!---and like in many games this season, we came oot with 'aall guns blazin' and in the last 30 minutes of the game in particular we pounded 'The Pensioners' goal az the torrential rain got heavier!
The 'unexpected' happened at the mid point of the half, when!, (after instructions from wor manager!) Yohan Cabaye send in a free kick from 35 yards oot and hiz floated effort foond the divin' heed of 'Gooffy' Gouffran which beat Cech 'aall ends up' @ The Gallowgate End!

Wor joy waz then 'doubled' in the last minute of the game when 'super-subs' Obertan foond Anita, who then crossed for Loic Remy, who curled the baall in from near the penalty spot.
Hiz shot hit the far post and reboonded into the net, past the stranded Cech, who waz rooted to the spot!
The crowd went wild in disbelief that we had won it!----Totally 'unexpected' but a gleefully 'excepted' THREE points!

News on the telly in 'The Duke of 'Welly' after the game, that the SMBs were losin' and had had TWO players sent of, brought a loud cheer aroond the bar az we celebrated wor win with 'glasses raised'! (Former Toon hero Tommy Cassidy was amongst the 'celebrators'!)

"WOT A DIFFERENCE A WEEK MAKES!"

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Santon, Williamson, Yanga, Tiote (Anita 53), Cabaye, Sissoko, Gouffran (Obertan 85), Remy, Shola Ameobi (Cisse 62)

Attendance: 51,674 (3,000 OAPs)

*Footnote: we say 'OAPs' or 'Pensioners' az this waz Chelski's nickname from 1905 - 1980's---They changed it to 'The Blues' then, but they will aalways be 'The Pensioners' az far az we are concerned!)   

THE TOON v THE CHELSKI OAPs ***TOMORROW DINNAATIME!

Posted '1:55pm bells' Friday 1st November 2013

Tomorrow we face Chelski @ St James' Park in anothaa unholy kick off time of '12:45 bells' for live telly and we can anly hope that 'wor tired players' (that wor manager haz talked aboot yesterday!) have had enough kip ower the last couple of days and come oot refreshed and 'ready to go'!

Of course the FOWER games in October that we have played have took there toll (accordin' to him!) ---ne wonder they are tired!
(Anly FOWER players played the full 90/120 minutes of wor October games by the way!--Namely: Krul, Debuchy, Williamson and Tiote!)

With just ONE win oot of wor last SEVEN home Premyaa Leegue games, we gan in against the west Londoners who have won their last SIX games in a row, and are unbeaten in their last NINE games!

Ne fewer than FIVE defenders  who have featured for us this season will be missin' for one reason or anothaa---namely: Steve Taylor, Coloccini, Haidara, Dummett and Good!

The omens arnt very good then!---but who naaz wot will happen tomorrow with wor Jekyll and Hyde side???

A full match report to follow sometime on Saturday neet or Sunday mornin'! <(dependin' on the result!)

THE TOON 0 THE BLUE MOONIES 2 (After extra time) *** "2 MORE HOURS OF PURE TORTURE!"

Posted 'high noon bells' 'Haalloween' Thorsday 31st October 2013

Well!---the club hierarckhy <(we naa how to spell aall the big words!) have been granted their forst wish!----The 'irritation' of The Leegue Cup iz nuw oot of the way and we can concentrate on wor Premyaa Leegue survival plan?, til January at least, when the 2nd 'irritation', The FA Cup comes 'a-caallin'!

Despite sayin' he waz desperate for some silverware in the club's empty display cabinet, wor manager opted for five changes to the startin' line up from 'Sunday's submission' with Shola partnerin' Cisse up front in a 4-4-2 formation!

THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END
DURIN' THE 1st HALF
(View from row 'Y' Leazes Middle Section)

The Blue Moonies made TEN changes from their last game against Chelski, az both teams slogged it oot on the park!

It waz torture at times az both sides looked disinterested az the game progressed!
Wor forst shot on target came from Shola on the half hour mark, but hiz effort waz parried away by City's sub goalie Pantilimon.

This resulted in The Toon havin' their porple patch az we tried in vain to find a way through their defence---with ne luck!
Shola had a goal disallowed for offside and Anita blew a great chance when it lucked easier to score!

The 2nd half waz played mainly in midfield az The Toon attacked The Leazes End where 2,000 or so Blue Moonies were housed in 'level 7' above! <(the rest of 'level 7' waz completeleee empty!)
Goffran then missed a chance at 'the death' when he heeded narrowly wide!---this waz wor last chance in normal time and we 'blew it'!

Extra time loomed and az the ref blew aa made straight for the concourse 'tool-shed' for a 'gypsies' and on remergin' there were loads of fans complainin' that the 'burger bars' were now closed with their shutters doon! (and here's me thinkin' that you come to a futbaall match to watch a game of futbaall!?---how stupid am I???)

We had a glorious chance to win it, orly in the 1st half of extra time, when Cisse fluffed an easy chance @ The Leazes End which you or 'I' could have scored from!!!

The Blue Moonies took full advantage of this and soon after the deadlock waz broken @ The Gallowgate End when Negredo slotted home in the 99th minute!
They doubled their lead soon after when Dzeko rounded Krul in The Toon goal to win the tie!
This waz the 'Q' for hundreds of Toon fans to leave 'the sinkin' ship' az they left their seats in their droves!


The proposed 'singin section' in the Strawberry Corner' did themsels ne favours by singin' the: "You fat Cockney Bustard,---get out of our club!" song! <(that's the new singin' section 'doon the pan', then!)

By the end the '2 hour plus torture' waz complete az the groond waz nearly empty by then and 30 minutes 'valuable drinkin' time' had aalso been lost!

Verdict: For the 2nd time this week we were the bettaa team but like against the SMBs last Sunday we couldn't put wor chances away and paid the price!

No doubt that 'The Fat Controller' will be hopin' to get 'The Muppets', 'The Liverbirds' or 'The Arse' away in the FA Cup to grant hiz 2nd wish!

Toon team: Krul, Haidara (Dummett 46) <(Ben Arfa 81), Tiote, Yanga, Williamson, Sissoko, Anita, Gouffran, Shola Ameobi (Cabaye 67), Cisse

Attendance: 33,846 (2,000 Blue Moonies)  

THE TOON v THE BLUE MOONIES ***LEEGUE CUP 4th ROOND***TOONEET!

Posted '12:222pm bells' Wednesday 30th October 2013

DEMBA BA HEEDS HOME AGAINST 'THE BLUE MOONIES'
IN THE LEEGUE LAST SEASON ***WE LOST 3-1 !

'The paupers of The Toon' gan into tooneets game against 'The mega-rich Mancunians', havin' lost the last EIGHT games in a row against them!***which we think must be some kind of unwanted record!

Not sure of wor line up yet, but we here that Cheik Tiote will remain az captain and that Yanga 'wanga' will retorn from suspension with Papiss Cisse up front! <(we didn't here this from 'The Ronny Gill', by the way, who are banned from the groond!***see article below!)

Resorvists Shola, Anita and 'Marveaux the Magician' are likely to start and we'll just have to wait and see the rest of the team line up az kick off time approaches at '7:45 bells'!

Everyone of course iz 'on a downer' after 'Sunday's surrender' but we here that 30,000 tickets have been sold---nearly aall of them before the 'derby debacle'!

The Blue Moonies have been allocated 2,400 tickets but we divvint naa just how many of them have been sold? (probably half that!)

We start off wor 'tonsil ticklin'  in 'The Welly' in High Bridge @ '5 bells' before movin' on to othaa hostelries before endin' up in 'The Newcastle Arms' for the final pre match 'gargels'!

Lets hope it isn't 'nine in a row', but who would bet against that!?

Match report to follow @ dinnatime tomorrow!