THE TOON v THE WACKO JACKO JIVERS of FULHAM ***THIS AFTERNOOON!

Updated '11:25am bells' Saturday 31st August 2013

ACTION FROM WOR GAME AGAINST 'THE WACKOS' IN APRIL

We must now torn wor attention away from The Leegue Cup and back to The Premyaa Leegue where we play the men from Craven Cottage, (home to the Michael Jackson statue!) @ St James' Park for the THORD '3 bells' Saturday home game in a row! (Wor resorves played Wolves here two weeks ago and of course we played West Ham last week!)

We are lookin' for wor forst home goal for nearly FIVE MONTHS (April 7th!) when, coincidently <(we naa the 'massive' words az well!) we beat Fulham 1-0 with a 94th minute last gasp goal from Demba Cisse @ The Gallowgate End <(where wild celebrations followed!)

It looks likely that Cabaye(bye!) will be in the squad after hiz disgraceful refusal to play against Man City and West Ham, followin' Arsenal's £10 mill bid for him which waz torned doon! But many fans are unhappy aboot this (inc me!) and think he shud be shown the door for hiz complete un-loyalty to us!

Anyway!--the fact that we havvent scored at home for so lang, tells it's own sorry story aboot wor plight and the inactivity in the transfor market, despite repeated promises from 'JoeKanory' that we will sign a striker of CHAMPIONS LEEGUE QUALITY??? <(yi havin' a JoeK!)
With just THREE days left before the window closes, it iz an  unbelievable situation that we find worsels in! <(pass a crate of 'broon ale'---quick!)

Match and pub crawl report to follow sometime tooneet or Sunday mornin'!

MORECAMBE v THE TOON ***TOOONEET!

Updated '1:04pm bells' Wednesday 28th August 2013

"NO!***NOT THAT MORECAMBE!"

'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' will make their forst ever visit to The Globe Arena, Morecambe, toneet, aalthough some of us have actually seen The Toon play in Morecambe before, when wor resorve side played Blackborn resorves there a few years ago at their old Christie Park groond!

We're not sure wot side 'I Beg Your Pardew' will send oot for this League Cup tie, but we have hord that Sammy Ameobi will be in the startin' line up, which meens we think that a mainly resorve team iz expected to play? < (we shall see!)


"AYE!***THAT ONE!"

The groond which opened in 2010 and cost £12 million to build, holds just 6,400 and we have been allocated 600 seats and 1,200 standin' places and aall tickets are now sold oot!

We leave at '2 bells' for the delights of Morecambe Bay!
More to follow on this game later when we get back!

"AND HERE'S SOME 'JoeK's' WE MADE UP ORLIER!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Monday 26th August 2013

"TOON FANS IN 'THE LEAZES END' GIVE 'JoeK'
A VOTE OF CONFIDENCE BEFORE SATURDAY'S
GAME AGAINST 'THE JELLIED EELS MOB!"
(JUST A PITY HE WASN'T THERE TO SEE IT!)

Somebody haz been rattlin' 'JoeKanory's cage once again and he haz awoken from hiz slumbers and come oot of hibernation to give us hiz export opinion on wor current state of affairs!

Yesterday
JoeKanory: "I DON'T understand where the negativity comes from?---We are 2 games into a 38 game season and already the doom and gloom merchants are looking for a scapegoat!"

(Since the end of last season and 'Joek's arrival, we have weakened the team by gettin' rid of Steve Harper, Danny Simpson and James Perch and replaced them with NE new permanent signings!----aalso there's Yohan Cabaye's disgraceful refusal to play for us on Saturday, followin' Arsenal's £10 mill bid for him, (which waz torned doon!) but hiz imminent departure won't be lang now, we finx!)

JoeKanory: "Before the season started we sat down and agreed that the squad was BIG enough and STRONG enough to finish in the TOP HALF of the table!"

(The anly way we will finish in the top half of the table iz if yoo torn it upside doon!)

JoeKanory: "Last week we flew to Nice and were met by a private helicopter transfer to Mike Ashley's yacht off St. Tropez <(very nice!) and we spent 7 hours thrashing out every idea and to how to plan to take the club forward!"

(That waz  less than TWO weeks before the close of the transfor window!---he's anly been in the job since June 16th on the remit of signin' players of "CHAMPIONS LEAGUE STANDARD!" <(hiz words NOT wors!)

JoeKanory: "I sanctioned the one year LOAN deal for Loic Remy and if it goes 'pear-shaped' I will take full responsibility for it!"

(He haz aalready missed the forst two games due to injury and iz set to miss at least the next two!---and then there's a little matter of a court case in September, where he iz accused of gang rape!---so he might NEVAA get to play for us!---"pass the pears, pleeeze!")

THE TOON 0 THE JELLIED EELS MOB 0 ***** "JUST LIKE MY DREAMS ***** THEY FADE AND DIE!"

Updated '10:46pm bells' Sunday 25th August 2013



"DARK CLOUDS DESCEND OWER ST JAMES'!"
"IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!"

'Judgement day one' (az Pardew caalls it!) started off with a goal-less draw against 'Fat Sam's 'Jellied Eels Mob' from "eest Landan!" and anly ONE shot waz on target from eetha team in the entire 90 minutes! (and NOT from us!)

A crowd approachin' 50,000 were assembled to watch these two poor teams and apart from an orly chance for us @ The Leazes End when the visitors nearly scored an own goal, we were 2nd best to them for most of the game!

Shola partnered Cisse up front but neethaa got the service they craved and it waz the visitors who shud have won it with 3 good chances which they 'fluffed', notably former Toon player Kevin Nolan, who, unmarked, heeded ower the bar @ The Leazes End in the 2nd half, when it looked easier to score! <(he got a canny reception from The Toon fans at the start!---mebeez he felt guilty and missed it on purpose?)

Az if the wethaa 'knew it', black clouds and heavy rain desended ower the groond and  West Ham sub Morrison even came on wearin' a PAIR OF GLOVES! <(in AUGUST!) < (wot wud John McNamee make of that!?)

"THEY'RE DEFINATELY NOT BOXIN' GLOVES!"

Then!---at 'the death' Sammy Ameobi sent ower a cross which rebounded off the stanchion of the goal and fell nicey for Gouffran, who had the easy chance of side footin' the baall into the net, BUT! instead chose to hoist the baall ower the bar and into The Gallowgate End, where the faithful held their heads in their hands in despair!  NIL-NIL final score!

We now havvent scored in the last fower Premyaa Leegue games @ St James', gannin back to last season and wor failins are blindingleee obvious to aall who were present!

'The Jellied Eels Mob' (above!) have a club song caalled 'Bubbles' and one line gans: "Just like my dreams they fade and die!"----Surely this shud be WOR song az a major trophy iz sommik we definitely WON'T win under the leadership of 'I Beg Your Pardew', 'JoeKanory' (see below!) and 'The Fat Controller'!

Toon team: Krul, Debuchy, Santon, Anita, Coloccini, Yanga, Sissoko, Marveaux (Sammy Ameobi 66), Cisse (Gouffran 72. Shola Ameobi, Ben Arfa

Attendance: 49,622 (2,500 Jellied Eels!)

THE TOON v THE JELLIED EELS MOB ***THIS AFTERNOOON! ***"JUDGEMENT DAY ONE!"

Updated '11:35am bells' Saturday 24th August 2013

The forst of two home game in a week in wot wor beleagred manager describes az "Judgement days!" (see below!)  teks place this afternooon @ '3 bells' against 'Fat Sam's 'Jellied Eels Mob' from "eest Landan!"

Steve Taylor will of course be missin' after hiz stupid sendin' off @ Man City on Monday neet!
Gutierrez iz aalso oot az iz Tiote and of course wor one and anly (loan!) signin' so far Loic Remy, who iz carryin' a calf injury and definatleee won't feature! (Williamson iz said to be 'strugglin' az well!)
And az for Yohan Cabaye???---we havvent got a clue if he will be playin'! ,(he apparently wasn't in 'the reet frame of mind' to play for us @ Man City followin' Arsenal's £10 million bid!)
 
Wor visitors will NOT have former Toon player Andy Pandy in their line up az he iz 'cattled', but "No-No-No-Nolan!" iz expected to play and it will be interestin' to see wot reception he gets!?

Havin' conceded 10 goals in the last 3 home games of last season (withoot reply!) this iz indeed 'Judgement day one!' az far az the lang sufferin' Toon fans are concerned! (especially az it's virtually the SAME players who played in those games!) 

'The Ronny Gill' says the match iz a selloot, whereaz othaa sources say that there are still plenty of tickets available???

'The Geordie Times' will of course bring yoo a full match report sometime later today or tomorrow <(dependin' on the result!)

THE SMOGGIES U21s v THE TOON U21s *** @ THE SMELLNET!

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 23rd August 2013


"ONE WE MADE ORLIER!"

Tooneet the resorve U21s make the short trip to Smogland for a leegue fixture.
Admission iz £3 (ne concessions!) via the West Stand lower tier and divvint forget to take your smog mask if yi gannin doon for the '7 bells' start!

Late update: We lost 4-3 with wor goals comin' from Jonathyn Quinn (toe poke), Adam Armstrong ( shot) and Curtis Good (shot)

Attendance: 577 (a 'smatterin' of Toon fans!)

"JUDGEMENT DAYS A COMIN'!" ***

Posted '1:45pm bells' Thorsday 22nd August 2013

"THE BACK PAGE OF TODAY'S 'RONNY GILL'!"

Followin' the debacle and the 'white flag of surrender' by 'I Beg Your Pardew' on Monday neet after just FIVE minutes (see below!) he now asks us to 'judge' hiz team ower the next two Premyaa Leegue games, both @ St James' and both against so called mediocre opposition!

With ne new signins on show despite 'JoeKanory's (broken!) promises to bring in players of "Champions Leegue standard!"?, the anly thing we naa for certain iz that Yohan Cabaye will soon be sayin' ---"Ca-BYE!-BYE!!"

Big Fat Sam's 'Jellied Eels Mob' are the 'mediocre' opposition this comin' Saturday and the retorn of 'Andy Pandy' and "No-No-No-Nolan!" will add spice to the game!
It will be very interestin' indeed to see the size of the crowd az many fans wrapped their season tickets in after the shambles of the last campaign.
Indeed!---yoo can buy an adult ticket for az little az £15 for this game, when just last season the lowest price for an adult ticket for this fixture was £26! <(wot does THAT tell yoo!?)

Then in between the next Premya game on Saturday week against 'The Wacko Jacko Jivers' of Fulham we must travel to Morecambe next Wednesday for a Leegue Cup tie against the seaside minnows!

Remember!--- 'Judgement Day Part One' iz comin' on Saturday!

More to follow on aall this ower the next couple of days!

THE BLUE MOONIES 4 THE TOON 0 ***'TAYLS' OF THE NOT! UNEXPECTED!

Updated '12:30pm bells' Tuesday 20th August 2013


THE TOON MAKE A RARE ATTACK ON THE BLUE MOONIES 
GOAL DURIN' THE 2nd HALF



The topic of conversation az we sped ower the 'M62' motorway past the 'famous farmhoose' towards 'Mancland' waz the £10 mill bid that 'The Arse' had put in for Yohan Cabaye orlier that day!

Anothaa player to bite the dust and disappear ower the horizon waz a certainty we thought!

Forthaa confirmation that he wasn't playin', telt us that we would nevaa see him in a Toon top again and the mood in 'The Retro Bar' in the city centre waz of 'doom and gloom' rathaa than optimism for the new season! < (just how many would we lose by?)

Anyway!---it waz soon time to heed for the stadium in east Mancland and anly around 1,450 hardy souls in black n white garb occupied the lower tier of 'The Sooth Stand' <(many of them p*ssed oot their brains!)

Steve Taylor ran oot punchin' the air to get us in the mood and he received a rapturous reception from the small band of followers! <(we could of had double that number of tickets, but we couldn't sell 'em at *£46 a go!) <(wot does that tell yi aboot wor 'plight'!?)

It took the home team preciseleee 5 mins and 40 seconds <(by my everwrong watch!) to score the openin' goal when Taylor's arm divorted the baall to the heed of Silva, who nodded past Tim Krul in The Toon goal!

The 2nd was 'inevitable' az City pounded wor goal and it came in the 23rd minute when Aguero put the baall beyond the reach of Krul to double their lead! <(game ower!)

Then 'Tayls' did a stupid and daft thing just before the break when he smacked Aguero in the gob with hiz right arm <(or waz it hiz left?), polaxin' the 'Blue Moonie'!
A red card waz shown by the ref and it waz now a case of 'damage limitation' in the 2nd period!

It waz soon 3-0 just after the re-start when a free kick by Toure on the edge of the box, beat 'the waall' (at least two Toon players shamefully 'ducked', to avoid the baall hittin' them!) and send the baall into the roof of the net.
The Toon barely ventured into The Blue Moonies half and the 4th and last goal waz scored by Nasri to complete wor misery!

The Toon fans were in foul mood by this time slaggin' off 'The Fat Controller' and singin': "SPEND SOME F*****' MONEY!"
The scoreline could have been much worse though and we got off lightly from a team a hundred million miles <(and poonds) aheed of us in the transfor window!

After just one game of the new campaign we find worselz at the bottom of 'the abyss' and anothaa lang hard season of sufferin' and heartache looks inevitable---for sure! <(pass the heedache tablets!---quick!)

Toon team: Krul, Steve Taylor, Debuchy, Coloccini, Yanga, Tiote, Sissoko, Gutierrez (Anita 44), Ben Arfa (Sammy Ameobi 65), Cisse, Gouffran (Dummett 45)

Attendance: 46,842 (1,450 'sufferers')

ONE OF THE LONG SUFFERIN' FANS!
(*the ticket price didn't include the £1 bookin' fee
imposed by NUFC!) (£45+£1=£46!)

THE BLUE MOONIES v THE TOON ***TOOONEET!

Posted '8:57am bells' Monday 19th August 2013


ACTION FROM LAST SEASON! ***WE LOST 4-0!


The new season iz upon us at last (two days late!) when we travel to The City of Manc Stadium to face The Blue Moonies.
With ne new signings on show we face an uphill task before we start az City have spent £100,000,000 compared to wor £0 in the transfor market!

Wor belegered manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' seems to have hoyed the white flag of surrender up aalready with hiz comments that we carnt possibly compete with them in the transfor window!
He aalso stated on Friday that we had ne injurys for tooneet, but then went on to add that Davide Santon would NOT be playin' due to an injury!???
We've nevaa won here before and it looks a very lang shot that we will break wor duck @ '8 bells' tooneet!

We will be settin' off at '1:30 pm bells' for this Pennine outpost and we will of course bring yoo a full match report when we get back (sometime tomorrow!) 

'THE GOODIES' 3 'THE BADDIES' 1 (THE TOON U21s 3 WOLVES U21s 1)

Posted '10:20am bells' Sunday 18th August 2013

Jamie's forst game aged 3 years and 300 days!


JAMIE (STANDIN' BY FENCE) GETS CLOSER TO THE ACTION!


Me and wor lass picked 3 year old grandbairn Jamie up from hiz mammy and daddy's hoose and heeded for The Toon. <(yiv got to catch them young!) <(they've got to lorn to 'suffer' like us!)
Jamie who waz dressed in hiz black n white top for the occasion, waz excited aboot gannin' to the match and asked if we were gannin to 'the beer bar'
"YES!"--aa said, az he danced and waved hiz arms excitedly and off we set to 'The Strawberry'  'beer bar' next to the groond!

A pint of orange 'beer' waz consumed by Jamie az me and wor lass supped the normal 'broon stuff'!
Jamie then decided to get in a spot of 'serious pool practice'!


"CRUCIBLE!***CRUCIBLE!***HERE I COME!"


We then heeded for the tornstiles (Jamie crawled under them!) and we picked some seats near to the front, but just before the kick off it started 'chuckin it doon' and so we had to move forthaa back up The East Stand to keep dry!

In the 4th minute Haris Vuckic had a fine shot @ The Leazes End which waz tipped ower the bar by the Wolves keeper!

Then in the 21st minute disaster struck az the visitors took the lead through Altenmi who toe poked the baall past Alnwick in The Toon goal (NOT a good start for Jamie!)

I told Jamie that the team in the orange strip were 'The Baddies' and that we were 'The Goodies'

'The Goodies' then equalised when Vuckic crossed from the right and Gillespey fired home past the Wolves keeper, which brought loud applause from the smaall crowd and Jamie joined in in the celebrations by dancin' doon the steps!

Better waz to come when Adam Armstrong stabbed the baall home just a few minutes later and Jamie celebrated doon the steps once again! (HT: The Goodies 2 The Baddies 1)

The 2nd half waz'nt half az good az the 1st and Jamie who waz gettin' bored by now, torned aroond in hiz seat to face the wrong way!!! <(he had more sense than us!) <(the 'sufferin' had started aalready!)


"SUFFER LITTLE CHILDREN!***SUFFER!"


Then! bang on full time Dan Gosling 'wrapped it up' when he tapped in a loose baall @ 'The Gallowgate End'
Jamie celebrated this time by runnin' alang the front of the East Stand!

The final whistle blew and Jamie's 'debut game' waz complete with a 3-1 win to 'The Goodies'! <(he now haz a lifetime of 'sufferin' to endue!***just like the rest of us!)

Toon team: Alnwick, Mbabu, Gillesphey (Quinn 46), Sakta, Streete, Good, Gosling, Bigiramana, Gilliead (Heardman 74), Vuckic (Logan 54), Armstrong

Attendance: *600 (includin' Jamie of course!) (*estimated crowd) 

PS: the official attendance waz later given az 584 (mee guess waz 16 oot!)