THE GRAND TOUR OF SCOTLAND (PART FOWER) ***THE BILLY BOYS v THE TOON ***TOONEET!

Updated '12:05pm bells' Tuesday 6th July 2013

Tooneet we heed back ower Hadrians Waall for the fourth time in a month, this time to face Glasgow Strangers @ Ibrox Park in a '7:45 bells' kick off!
The Toon have sold wor entire allocation of just 1,000 tickets (we could have had 2,000!) and we will be in wor 'usual' corner section of the groond!

No tickets will be on sale to Toon fans on the day of the match but home fans can pay on the night!
SO!---if yi want to get in, put your best 'Billy Connelly' 'jock accent on' and divvint wear any black n white colours!

We'll be heedin' up around aboot the 1:30pm bells' mark and shud arrive at 'The Wee Rangers Club' not far from Ibrox at aboot '4:30-5:00 bells'!

A full match and trip report to follow much later az per usual

"LETS US HOPE***THAT THIS IS NE JoeK!"

Updated '12:25pm bells' Sunday 4th August 2013



"SOME NEW 'SIGNINGS' AT LAST!?"---"HIC!"


The rumours dein the roonds at the minute include one that 'JoeKanory' iz to be sacked by NUFC after just eight weeks in the job of 'Director of Fools'!

Eight weeks to sign players of which TWO were spent on a holiday in Italy and of course NE signins to date despite him tellin' us that we would have a team fit for 'The Champions Leegue' by the start of the season! <("Joekanory!---Joekanory!---Joekanory!") 

Rumour haz it that he arranged to meet Villa's Darren Bent aboot signin' for us. Bent duly torned up with hiz agent and 'JoeKanory' torned up DRUNK!

Bent waalked oot in disgust and anothaa striker waz lost!
Apparentleee, this wasn't the forst time that JoeK had torned up for an interview in a comatosed state and we have hord that NUFC are on the brink of losin' their patience with him and are to 'give him the bullet'!
Lets hope (and pray!) that THIS iz NE 'JoeK'!

PS: Accordin' to todays Sundih Sun, 'JoeK' iz watchin' a CRICKET MATCH! this afternoon in Norf Landan < (where else!?) and iz YET to see the forst team in action, to see where we need strenthenin' (That's the NUFC forst team and NOT the Norf Landan cricket team, by the way!)
Perhaps he haz got a spin bowler lined up for us?---that would be interestin'---wouldn't it? 

"THE TOON'S NEW CENTRE FORWARD---PERHAPS!?"

HEEDBANGERS 1 TOON X1 2

Posted '11:05pm bells' Saturday 3rd August 2013

"A SOUPER SHOW BY CAMPBELL!"

Adam Campbell scored twice to secure a narrow win ower Gatesheed in the 2013 Tyne Bridge Derby last neet!
Hiz forst came in the 20th minute when a Connor Newton back heel foond Campbell, who duly rifled the baall into The Heed net!

'The Heedbangers' equalised at the mid-point of the 2nd half  when Marcus Maddison stuck a fine effort from 20 yards oot! (The same 'Maddison' who had scord in the same fixture for US last season!)

Then!---with barely 7 minutes left on the clock, Harris Vuckic foond Campbell in the box and he gleefully dispatched the baall past former Toon keeper, 'one' Adam Bartlett to score hiz 2nd goal of the game!

That's the way it stayed and to be honest it waz a lucky win indeed for us @ The International Stadium!

Attendance: 1,274 (includin' several 'numbskulls' in Toon garb settin' off flares and fireworks!)

THE TYNE BRIDGE DERBY ***THE HEEDBANGERS v TOON X1 ***TOONEET!

Posted '12:30pm bells' Friday 2nd August 2013

Tooneet The Toon are sendin' a mainly resorve/junior squad ' 'ower the waataa' to play The Heedbangers of Gatesheed @ The International Stadium in a '7:30 bells' start!

Wor prediction that we would send a strong squad because of forst team *inactivity ower the weekend haz not *materialised! <(*we naa aall the big words!)

The Toon 19 man squad iz: Mitchell, Alnwick, Booth, Satka, Good, Logan, Newton, Williamson, Streete, Smith, Sterry, Keman, Vuckic, Campbell, Aarons, Aird, Amalfitano, Herdman, Quinn

Admission iz a tenner for grown ups, a fiver for zimmerframites and two quid for sprogs under 16

Because of wor team line up, many fans will 'give it a miss' and we predict a low attendance of around aboot 700 to 800

Match report to follow tomorrow sometime!

NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS NEWS ***"GANNIN FOR A BURTON!"

Posted '2:10pm bells' Thorsday 1st August 2013


"NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS***GANNIN FOR A BURTON!"

There iz yet more 'joyous news' for 'the mad-sad groundhoppers' az 'The Hazbeens and Villians' of Bormingham have announced that wor U21 away Resorve fixture will be played @ The Pirelli Stadium, Burton on Monday November 4th and NOT Villa Park az waz previously thought!

Sadly!---this iz the anly fixture in the FA Premier U21s Leegue that we naa of, that will be played on a groond we havvent previousleee visited!

We will of course inform yoo, wor loyal reeders straight away! if anymore games at this level are to be played on a new groond!

Watch this space!

GROUND NUMBER 303 ***ST MIRREN PARK, PAISLEY ***ST MIRREN 0 THE TOON 2 ***THE GRAND TOUR OF SCOTLAND 2013 (PART THREE!)

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 31st July 2013

"THE BATTLE OF THE ALAMO!"

Mee day didn't start off well az a'd injured mee foot openin' a gate, to get mee lorry through it @ '4 bells' in the mornin', after de'in a neetshift run to Halesowen (Birmingham) from the Team Valley (Gatesheed) and back.

By the time 'Big Al' had picked me up @ '2 bells' in the afternoon to gan to St Mirren, mee foot waz 'up like a puddin'!  
But 'duty caalled' az this groond waz a one aa HAD to de az a'd never been there before!

'Al' had been here before to watch a Scottish Leegue encoontaa and he parked hiz 'jam jar' aboot a hundred yards from the main stand's entrance meenin' aa didn't have far to waalk after the game!
He knew a good boozer az well and so 'off we set' doon this road away from the groond.
After an agonizin twenty minutes aa limped into the boozer caalled 'The Alamo', where the waalls were adorned with pictures from 'the wild west', complete with bull horns, tomahawks, cowboy hats and red Indians in their heedgear!

The locals were very friendly and thankfully welcomed us with open arms and NOT the tomahawks on the waall!
Mee foot waz achin' like mad after the torturous trek and aa 'mordered' the forst 'gargel' which went straight doon mee 'Gregory Peck' < (to help ease the pain, yoo understand!)

After several pints of Belhaven Best' it waz time for the dreaded 'battle' to 'limp' to the groond from 'The Alamo'! 
'Sarnie Steve' accompanied me there and after wot seemed like 'six hours' we finally arrived at the tornstiles where we had purchased tickets for the main stand and not the away end, (just for a change!) Mee foot (and lower leg!) waz up like 'a balloon' by this time and aa plonked meesel into mee seat wonderin' just why a'd put meesel through aall this grief just for a friendly match! < (A'm NOT caalled 'The mad-sad groundhopper' for nothin'!)

Anyway!---the match kicked off with The Toon wearin' wor new 'dark blue number' az wor home strip obviously clashed with St Mirrens 'black n white stripes'!

We took the lead in the 20th minute when Papiss Cisse (wearin the new Wonga logo!) took a pass from Sammy Ameobi on the left to expertly place hiz shot past the St Mirren keeper to put us one-nil up, to very generous applause form the home fans! 
Just six minutes later wor lead waz doubled when Debuchy met a Vernon Anita through baall to calmly place hiz shot beyond their keeper! (the full backs forst goal for the club!)

The Toon were 'on fire' at this point (just like mee foot!) and we were unlucky not to add to the score before the break and we went in 'two to the good'!

The 2nd half wasn't half az good az the forst and the game petered oot. The attendance waz given oot ower the loudhailer and the gadgie telt us that there were 709 Toon fans in the visitors end behind the far goal to wor reet. This again brought generous applause from the 'St Mirren faithful', which aa thought waz a very nice gesture!
At the end of match aa shook hands with one of their fans who waz behind me and he wished us good luck for the new season!
Who says the jocks hate the English?

There's one thing for certain, I really hope that they survive in the Scottish Premyaa this season. And az they play in the famed stripes like us, St Mirren will be 'adopted' az mee team north of the border for the forthcomin' season!  (Quality fans and the best a'v come across for a very lang time!)

It waz then the '*lambastable limp' back to the jam jar for the three hour jorney back yem!
(*Aa havvent got a clue wot 'lambastible' meenz, but it soonds good!)
Once in the hoose aa got an 'ice-pack' oot the freezer to put on mee swollen foot and lower leg to try and tek the swellin' doon a bit! < ("Oh! the 'joys'? of followin' NUFC!") 

Toon team: Elliot (Alnwick 65),  Debuchy (Santon 46), Dummett, Anita, Coloccini (Streete 81), Yanga (Williamson 81), Tiote (Newton 75), Gosling (Gouffran 65), Cisse (Campbell 65), Ben Arfa (Vuckic 65, Sammy Ameobi

Attendance: 4,216 (709 Toon fans in the North Stand plus anothaa 100 or so like us dotted around the rest of the groond!)



pix from mine and 'mal the iglish skool teechaa'z phones

THE MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS SCOTTISH GROONDS LIST! ***22 AND COONTIN'!

In Geordiebetical order! (Aall for NUFC games only!)

IBROX PARK 1969 (10th ground in total)

1 Ibrox Park***Glasgow Rangers (1st visit) >***1969
2 Shielfield Park***Berwick Rangers***1978
3 Palmerston Park Queen of the Sooth***1984
4 Easter Road***Hibernian***1984
5 Tynecastle***Heart of Midlothian***1987
6 Cappilow Park***Morton***1988
7 Dens Park***Dundee***1988
8 Stark's Park***Raith Rovers***1989
9 McDiarmid Park***St Johnstone***1990
10 East End Park***Dunfermline Athletic***1990
11 Home Park***Coldstream***1991
12 Celtic Park***Glasgow Celtic***1995
13 Almondville Stadium***Livingston***1999
14 Tannadice Park***Dundee United***1999
15 New Broomfield Park***Airdrieonians***2001
16 Somerton Park***Ayr United***2001 (200th ground in total)
17 Galabank***Annan Athletic***2001
18 New Douglas Park***Hamilton Academical***2003
19 Raydale Park***Gretna***2003
20 Fir Park***Motherwell***2013 (301st ground in total)
21 Rugby Park***Kilmarnock***2013
22 St Mirren Park***St Mirren***2013

THE GRAND TOUR OF SCOTLAND (PART THREE!) ST MIRREN v THE TOON ***TOONEET!

Posted '1:05pm bells' Tuesday 30th July 2013

Yet again we will cross the England/Scotland border to watch The Toon in action, this time in Paisley @ St Mirren Park, which of course iz anotha new ground for the NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers!
Aa nearly didn't make it after a mishap at work with gate at 'fower bells' this mornin' and aa ended up in an NHS 'walk in centre' to get an x-ray to see if a'd broke mee left leg/ankle!
Aa didn't but it iz very badly sprained and a'm on painkillers to take the pain away! <(yet anotha story to tell!)

We leave @ '1:30 bells' for the M74 motorway and shud be in a boozer not too far from the ground three hours after that!
Lets hope the game isn't 'a pain' az well, like  at Kilmarnock on Saturday!?
However a much stronger squad includin' Cisse iz expected to play @ 7:30 bells' toneet!

Match report to follow tomorrow! (hopefully!) 

THE BLACKPOOL DONKEYS 0 THE TOON 1 ***"THE SUITE SMELL OF SUCCESS!"

Updated 'high noon bells' Monday 29th July 2013


"SOMEWHERE ON THE 'M6' MOTORWAY!"

Fower of us travelled doon to this one in 'Biffa the Beers' new 'jet black' 'jam-jar'.
On the way doon the M6 just before the Blackpool torn off we could see that sommik had happened aboot half a mile aheed az cars and caravans swerved and braked to avoid sommik in the road.

We soon foond oot wot it waz, az a bright yellow three seater settee sat upright in the inside lane az we frantically divorted to the middle lane to avoid collidin' with it!
Half a mile forthaa up the road on the hard shoulder a pick-up truck towin' a trailer full of  furniture, had a gap at one side where the settee shud have been, with the two matchin' chairs of the three piece suite still on-board! <(the driver did NOT look amused!)
(Now aa naa wot they meen when someone says that they've been sittin' in a traffic jam!) <("sic!")

We eventually arrived in 'Eiffel Tower Land' (withoot encoonterin' anymore settees!) at 12:30 bells' in good time for a few gargels  before the match and parked the jam jar in The Saddle Inn car park which iz aboot a ten minute walk from the groond!
The forecast waz for rain but the sun shone brightly az we sat in the pubs beer garden drinkin' the appropriately named 'Fog on the Tyne' real ale, whilst discussin' 'three piece suites' amongst othaa things like futbaall! 

We then moved onto 'The Bloomfield' nearer to the groond where a great paintin' of Stanley Matthews dribblin' past some Preston defenders adorned the wall of the bar, with the 'Eiffel Tower' in the background!

It waz bakin' hot az we went through the tornstiles and there were aboot 2,500 Toon fans in the new visitors end behind the goal.
'The Donkeys' had what looked like the same number dotted around two othaa stands, with the stand to the left of us, (where the away fans used to gan), closed!

The Toon were wearin' their 'Wonga Bonga' dark blue away strips, while the home side aalso wore 'The Bonga Wonga' logo on their bright orange shirts az 'The Wonga Bonga' derby kicked off!


THE BONGA WONGA DERBY IN FULL FLOW!
(SPECIAL THANX TO 'MAL THE INGLISH SKOOL TEECHAA' FOR THE PIC)


We attacked the end we were housed in durin' the forst half
And 'man of the moment' Shola Ameobi scored for the thord, forst team friendly in a row, when he volleyed a shot home from inside the box past the Blackpool keeper in just the 6th minute of the game!

Rob Elliot in The Toon goal then made an excellent save when he tipped a Craig Cathcart effort onto the bar to keep us aheed in the 30th minute.
'The Sissoko Kid' then scored what looked like a porfectlee good goal, but the dodgy linesman flagged for offside to deny him!



The 2nd half petered oot in the searin' heat and we hung on to record a forst win on English soil this season so far!
The Toon support waz brilliant throughout the match with chants of "Don't sell Cabaye!" and "Pardew,Pardew giz a wave!", but in complete contrast they sang, "JoeKInEar! Yi havin' a laff!" and "Stand Up if yoo hate Kinnear!"
The loyal fans have spoken! 

Toon team: Elliot, Debuchy, Williamson (Yanga 81), Steve Taylor, Santon (Dummett 61), Marveaux, Cabaye (Sammy Ameobi 73), Sissoko, Gutierrez, Gouffran (Campbell 85), Shola Ameobi (Vuckic 46)

Attendance: 6,863 (2,384 Toon fans)

RUGBY PARK, KILMARNOCK***GROUND NUMBER 302 ***KILIMANJARO X1 2 THE TOON U21s 0

Posted '8:40am bells' Saturday 27th July 2013

THE GRAND TOUR OF SCOTLAND (PART TWO)
"SAY WHEY AYE TO A KILLIE PIE!"

The day started off badly when 'Tex Taylor' phoned me up to inform me that because he'd got 'bladdered' the neet before in The Toon, he'd 'slept in' and would be at least an hour late at the designated pick up point!
'To hoy a spanner in the works, Grumpy Stumpy' who had aalso got 'bladdered' could NOT be contacted to inform him of 'the score'!

'Tex' eventually torned up at twenty to ten and it waz then a mad dash to deepest Throckley to pick 'Stumps' up!

He wasn't at HIZ pick up point, so we heeded for hiz street, but couldn't remember hiz hoose number!
'Tex' brayed on a door which he thought might be Stumpy's but an irate baaldy gadgie came to the door and pointed up the street to 'number 39' where he telt us that he actually lived! 

Frantic knockin on the doors and windows brung ne response and we were forced to leave and heed for Kilmarnock withoot him az time waz getting on ('ten bells' by this time!)!

Anyway the 'demented duo' finally arrived at 'qwaata to one' and we heeded for the toon centre after we had parked mee 'canny tranny' up in a street next to the ground!

There we bumped into 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer', 'Liam from the Lamp' and 'Adam from Holystone' in 'The Waterside' boozer before heedin' for 'The Sports Bar' underneath the main stand of the ground, where the usual NUFC 'saddos' were assembled!

Anly the main stand waz open for this 'resorve' game and aboot 500 were present az the game kicked off, with around 70 or so 'Toonhoppers'!

However---and predictably, it waz obvious from the start that it would be a poor game from wor point of view az 'Killie' pressed for the forst goal. They nearly got it in the 8th minute when 16 year old Pooler missed an open goal with Jak Alnwick in The Toon goal stranded.

Somehow we got through to the interval withoot concedin' and wor attacks were non existent to say the least, and just how any of these fringe players could slot into wor forst team iz hard to imagine with this performance!

The 'highlight' of the 'game' waz at the interval when aa got stuck into one of the so caalled 'world famous' 'Killie pies', which waz aboot a thousand degrees centigrade and which nearly bornt mee lips off az aa got stuck into the steak fillin'!

Surely we could de ne worse in the 2nd half---but we were wrang!
Killie, wearin' their 'mackem' change strip took the lead in the 70th minute after a disastrous back pass to Alnwick went astray and  Slater had the simple task of slottin' the baall into the empty net!

We then had a rare chance to equalise when Jonathyn Quinn had a point blank shot saved by the Kilimanjaro keeper in the 78th minute.
Stewart sealed the win for the home side with just fower minutes to gan when he waz put through and lobbed the baall ower Jak Alwicks lead to send the home faitful into raptures and the away 'saddos' into despair!

It waz then a 3 hour drive back to Tyneside, before preparin' for the next 'tour game' back in England @ Blackpool this afternoon!
Match report on THAT to follow much later tooneet or tomorrow mornin' az the case may be!

PS: There waz still ne word from the whereaboots of 'Grumpy Stumpy' az aa wrote this 'piece'???

PPS: Did yoo spot my dilibrit missteak?
I said that this waz ground 202 when in fact it waz ground 302!
Well spotted 'Glennn from Ashington'!