"YOHAN!***YOHAN KEBABS!***EVERYONE KNOWS HIZ NAME!"

Updated '2:45pm bells' Tuesday 18th Joon 2013

'GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE'!
***JoeK's FORST SIGNIN'!

Toon fans have inundated the 'local rag' with their negative reaction to 'JoeK in Your Ears' forst rant az 'NUFC Director of Futbaall'.
Such iz the outcry of hiz appointment that a total of TEN PAGES! of today's 'Ronny Gill' have been devoted to this story!


FRONT PAGE OF TODAY'S 'RONNY GILL'!


Ubeleeevebleee!---he's referred to Yohan Cabaye az Yohan KEBABS! and MD Derek Llambias az Derek LAMBAZEE!

This iz on top of the last time he waz here, when he caalled Charles N'Zombia, Charles INSOMNIA!

BACK PAGE OF TODAY'S 'RONNY GILL'!

We at 'The Geordie Times' think that HE iz the one with IMSOMNIA and not Charles!***Don't YOO think!???

And god naaz how he will pronoonce Gael Bigirama's name! 


"THE MIND BOGGLES!"

THE TOON v SC BRAGA ****LATEST PRE SEASON FIXTURE NEWS 2013-2014

Posted '9:30pm bells' Monday 17th Joon 2013

At last!*** we have a HOME pre-season friendly game to tell yoo aboot!
Portugese side Sportin' Clube de Braga, who we played in 'The Algarve Tournament' at the beginnin' of last season, will provide the opposition @ St. James' Park on Saturday 10th August in a '6 bells' kick off ?

Just why this game iz kickin' off at that time on a Saturday iz anybodys guess and a lower attendance can be expected because of this!<(Saturday neet in 'The Toon' iz 'jumpin'!)

Two othaa games away in Portugal have aalso done the roonds, against Lisbon side, Estoril and Vitoria Setubal, which iz thorty miles forthaa sooth, but nothin' haz been conformed yet!

For the latest fixures of aall wor games planned pre-season so far***see below!

"THE BAD DREAM IZ IN FACT A NIGHTMARE, FOLKS!"

Posted the day after 'April Fools Day' '2:30pm bells' Monday Joon 17th 2013!

"THE 'MAIL' SEZ IT AALL!"

After wakin' up at dinnertime today (after workin neetshift) the bad dream aa thought a'd had this mornin' aboot 'Joke in your Ears' appointment az 'Director of Futbaall' at 'The Toon' torned into a nightmare, az aa picked up the 'Daily Mail' from mee local paper shop!

Haz it reeely come to this??? wor 'then' new manager, who f*****' swore a total of 52 f*****' times at hiz inaugural Toon press conference<(the 'Mail' must have coonted them!) in wor 2008-2009 relegation season, iz now in charge of AALL! incomin' NUFC transfors for the next 3 years!<(the length of hiz contract!)

Just wot current manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' and 'Chief Scout' Graham Carr makes of aall this iz anybody's guess?

And az for incomin' transfors???--divvint haad yer breath for any household names to sign on the dotted line!<(unless their surname begins with the letter 'F'!)

To say that we @ 'The Geordie Times' are totally underwhelmed and exaspirated by it all, iz the understatement of the year!

The 'JoeKs' just get worse and worse!---don't they just???
   

"A JOKE IN YOUR EAR***IT'S JOE KINNEAR!"

Posted April Fools Day 2013!

"I DON'T 'ADAM & EVE' IT!"

Aa thought it waz a 'wind-up' when a mate caalled Adam text me to say that 'the above' had been appointed 'NUFC Director of Futbaall! 

However! a quick check on nufc.com conformed that it WASN'T!

HELP! AA NEED A DRINK!"---QUICK!"

2013-2014 PRE SEASON FIXTURES ***LATEST! ("HEEDBANGERS AWAY!") ***DATE & TIME CHANGE!

Updated 'high noon bells' Sunday 16th Joon 2013

The NUFC X1 fixture against Gatesheed which waz added to the 'list' of games for pre season haz now been moved a day forward to the Friday neet from the advertised Saturday.
We understand that this game iz C.I.S. (Cast In Stone!) and will now tek place @ Gatesheed International Stadium @ '7:30 bells' on Friday 2nd *August ("So divvint torn up on the Saturday afternoon, unless yi want to watch the grass grow!")
Admission will be ten poond for big kids, a fiver for zimmerframeites and just two quid for sprogs under 16 years old!

More planned games are imminent and will be posted 'forthwith', when we find oot the details!

For othaa fixture news, pleeeze scroll doon the page!

PS: I originally put that the 'Heed' game waz to be played on JULY 2nd.<(special thanx to 'eagle eyed' 'Mal the Inglish Skoool Teechaa' for pointin' oot my 'dillibrit missteak'!)

ST MIRREN FRIENDLY ***LATEST TEAM NEWS ***BIG GUNS SENSATION!

Updated '8:50pm bells' Saturday 15th Joon 2013


'The Ronny Gill'*last with the news!


Followin' revelations in 'The Geordie Times' yesterday that we thought that 'The Toon' would send a mainly resorve side to Paisley, St Mirren fans who read wor story have inundated their clubs  switchboard< (which haz since went into 'meltdoon'!), angry that wor forst team would not be appearin' at their groond on July 30th and threatenin' to boycott the game!

An anxious St Mirren official then contacted NUFC and we have agreed to send some of wor 'big guns' instead, to help boost the attendance!

ST MIRREN FRIENDLY*** LATEST TEAM NEWS!

Posted '2:40pm bells' Friday 14th Joon 2013

St Mirren have asked 'The Toon' to ratify just wot kind of  'team' we will be sendin' up to Paisley on Tuesday July 30th for wor friendly match there!

Their website says: "When the annoucement was made yesterday of the pre season 'match up' with Newcastle United, it was reported on the Premiership club's official website that the match would be part of the Magpies Under 21s pre season schedule, although it was also reported by them that a number of first team players would join the under 21 squad for the match in Paisley".

"Since then we have had several equiries asking for clarification on details for the match so we caught a quick word with St Mirren CEO, Brian Caldwell who said": "The arrangement with Newcastle United is that they will be sending a squad made up of first team players, reserves and under 21s".

"While we can't guarantee who will be appearing for the St James' Park side, I'm sure that we will get to see some familiar faces in the Newcastle ranks, over and above Conor Newton and Paul Dummett!"< (who were on loan from 'The Toon' to St Mirren last season)

"Tickets for the pre season match against Newcastle United go on sale from the St Mirren ticket office from Friday 14th June" <(toooday!)

A 'Geordie Times' message to aall St Mirren fans: "Yoo can 'guarantee' that we will be sendin' up a mainly Resorve/Under 21 team of 'unfamiliar faces'!"---"Och aye the nooo!"

For aall the latest pre season fixtures, see below!

2013-2014 FORST TEAM PRE SEASON FRIENDLIES LATEST NEWS! ("MAMA WE'RE ALL CRAZY NOW!")

Posted '1:45pm bells' Tuesday 11th Joon 2013


"THE 'MOTHER' OF AALL GROONDS!"

Yet anothaa pre season cross border friendly haz been mentioned, and again it's at a groond we've never ever been te before!
Fir Park, Motherwell haz been added to the 'probable list' az they have advertised a game against us on July 16th with a '7 bells' kick off time!?

It's enough to send yoo crazy, Mama!---and alang with the proposed friendly at St Mirren, this meens that TWO new Scottish Leegue groonds could/will be added to the list!

Wot we naa so far, fact OR fiction?
(TBC=To Be Conformed)

July
Tuesday 16th: Motherwell away?
Tuesday 30th: St Mirren away?
TBC: Rangers away?
TBC: Blackpool away?
TBC: 2 games in the Algarve, Portugal?

Any forthaa news on the above games we will of course be posted asap!

For a 'conformed' list of the Toon Under 17s fixtures in wor tour of Northern Ireland at the end of July---scroll doon the page

FORST TEAM PRE SEASON FIXTURES 2013-2014 ***LATEST RUMOURS! ("SAINTS ALIVE!")

Updated '2:05pm bells' Monday 10th Joon 2013


ST. MIRREN PARK ***"POSSIBLE NEW GROOND!?"


Anothaa forst team friendly on the othaa side of Hadrians Waall haz been mentioned alang with a proposed friendly @ Rangers.
Paisley side St Mirren, who had several Toon players on loan last season are mooted az possible opponents, and Tuesday July 30th haz been pencilled in az a possible date!<(if this iz so, then it will 'clash' with the Under 17s who are playin' in Northern Ireland on the same day!)

NUFC have yet to conform this game <(az usual!) and wethaa we send  the forst team or a resorve team squad up to Jockoland, iz open to speculation, but the game now looks likely to take place!

This iz 'mooth-waaterin' news' for 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers', az St Mirren's new groond iz a one we've never visited before! <(Fingers & toes crossed that it gans aheed!)

Trips to Blackpool, Portugal, plus othaa games in Europe have aalso been mentioned but nothin' haz been cast in stone yet!

The tour of Sooth Africa looks like it's been consigned to the dustbin for the second year runnin', by the way!

For news of wor Under 17s tour of Northern Ireland, 'scroll doon the page'!

BIG BILLY "DAFT AZ A BRUSH!"*** RIP! ***'FAIRS CUP GUS'***RIP!

Posted '2:15pm bells' Friday 7th Joon 2013

Obituaries

Sad news reaches uz through the grapevine of the death of a Toon fan caalled Big Billy Robinson who hailed from Lobley Hill!

Billy who waz larger than life and az "daft az a brush", went with me to several away games in the 1970's alang with hiz sidekick 'Punter the Hunter'!

Billy once sat on the bonnet of mee car az we drove slowly through very thick fog on the way back from Liverpool one day, with hiz hand on hiz foreheed az he gave me frantic directions, to stop me runnin off the road! (yi could anly see aboot six feet in front!)

It waz hilarious az we drove ower the 'A66' cross Pennine route with Billy shoutin' and baallin instructions az he peered into the 'pea-souper'!

We were later stopped by some traffic 'Dibbles' near Scotch Corner and aa waz given the breatherlizer az Billy ranted and raved in the backgroond!
Aa passed the test and we were allowed to carry on wor way!

Anothaa fan who sadly died after the Arsenal game caalled 'Gus', waz a regular on wor Fairs Cup  'jaunts' in the 1960s and who a'd had a (few!)drink with in Bordeaux centre, before wor Europa League game last season!

Both will be sadly missed

RIP  Billy and Gus