THE TOON v THE LIVERBIRDS ***THIS AFTERNOON!

Updated 11:15am bells Saturday 27th April 2013


'ACTION' FROM WOR GAME AT ANFIELD
ORLIER ON HIS SEASON!
A SPRINKLER GANS ON 'THE RAMPAGE' AND SOAKS HUNDREDS OF 'LIVERBIRDS'
IN THE EXECUTIVE AREAS! HA! HA!
 

Anothaa crucial game in this lang torturous season takes place today against 'The Liverbirds' @ St James' with a '5:30 bells' kick off for live telly!

We understand that Demba Cisse could well play, despite havin' a reported cracked rib and we've hord that captain Coloccini could play some part az well?<(we shall see!)
Cheik Tiote iz aalso expected to retorn to the fray, while Ben Arfa iz expected to be on the subs bench.

'Chomper' Suarez', of course, will be a massive 'miss' for them, after hiz 10 game ban for cannibalism, and az he haz scored 23 of their goals this season, 'this' will undoubtedly be a massive 'hit' for 'us'!

This iz wor penultimate<(divvint naa wot it meenz but it soonds good!?) home game of the season and iz a selloot az we write this.
Aalso a 'selloot' iz wor next away game against 'The Jellied Eels Mob' of "Eest Landan" a week today, where we have been allocated 2,000 tickets!

Gettin' back to todays game, 'The Liverbirds' fans have been warned by their aan club not to hoy flares or smokebombs, which of course haz happened in quite a few Toon games this season az well!

The wetthaa az aa speak, lookin' across the 'sacred river', iz freezin' caad and a howlin' gale iz blowin' with intermittent rain!

Az mentioned, the game iz a 52,000 plus selloot, with 'The Mickey Mousers' takin' up their full allocation az usual in 'The Leazes End gods'!

Match report az per usual to follow eethaa late toneet or sometime tomorrow mornin', when aa get oot mee 'scratcher'!

PS: Apologeez for not updatin' this site yesterday, but av been 'stowed off' with graft and have been to West Brom three days in a row! (The Bakery where aa gan te, iz ower the road from 'The Hawthorns!)

THE 'ROTTEN' F.A.***"HAVE THEY BITTEN OFF MORE THAN SUAREZ CAN CHEW!?"

Posted '10:35pm bells' Wednesday 24th April 2013

A DISGRACED MEMBER OF 'THE F.A.'!
("WE WISH!")
 

Foollowin'<(this isnt a misprint!) Suarez'z 10 match ban today for takin' a 'pineapple chunk' oot of an opponents arm, through video evidence, az the officials 'missed it', we have got ask the question just why didn't this happen to 'Callous' McManaman, who nearly broke Haidara's leg at Wigan the other week and who haz got away 'scott free' withoot so much az a warnin'???
Just how yoo can have one rule for cannibalism and anothaa for tryin' to break somebody's leg iz beyond us!

Of course Suarez will quite rightly miss wor game on Saturday teatime when 'The Liverbirds' come a'caallin' to St James' Park, but on the othaa hand, McManamen, it seems, iz free to de wot he likes and play in the FA Cup final!

The whole FA setup iz a complete and utter farce and they shud aall be placed into stocks like they did in 'The Middle Ages' and have rotten fruit and eggs thrown at them, forthwith!<(That's 'The FA, McManaman and Suarez!)

MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPER NEWS! *** THE CAMBRIDGE BOAT RACERS 1 v THE TOON RESORVES 2 ***PLAYED TOOONEET!

Final update '9:20pm bells' Tuesday 23rd April 2013

"MONEY TALKS!"

"AZ YOO CAN SEE, RICHARD MONEY IZ 'ECSTATIC'
THAT NUFC ARE TO PAY THEM A VISIT!" 

There's great news for the 'younger' mad-sad groundhoppers amongst us, az we have arranged a friendly against Cambridge United @ The Abbey Stadium toneet @ '7:30 bells'!

Former Toon coach, Richard Money iz in charge of 'The Boat Racers' and had asked 'The Toon' for a friendly to celebrate the club's 100th annivorsary! 

'Golden oldies' like 'me'!? have been here before of course and wor last visit waz 20 years ago this month when we won 3-0 in the 'old' 2nd Division!

For that reason alone we wont be gannin'!---BUT!, 'Liam from the Lamp' and hiz sidekick 'Micheal the Mag', who were too young to gan back then, have hired a 'jam jar' and are heedin' doon this afternoon to add it to 'their list'!
It's a tenner to get in for 'grown ups' and a fiver for 'sprogs' and 'zimmerframites'! 

'Liam from the Lamp' iz deein' 'The Geordie Times' match report for 'this one' and we will have 'excluuusive' live reports online throughoot the evenin' by the wonders of text messagin'!

SO!***'tune in' to 'The Geordie Times' toooneet if yi want to naa the score forst!



Posted '7:55pm bells'

'GEORDIE TIMES' NEWSFLASH from 'The Abbey Stadium'!***Amalfitano fires home to put The Toon aheed in the 10th minute!
Goal correction time: Liam from the Lamp's watch iz wrang!---the goal time iz actually TWO! minutes!<(must be one of those 'Mickey Moose ones'!)

Updated '8:17pm bells'
Half time: 1-0 to The Toon!

Updated '8:25pm bells'
'Liam from the Lamp' haz just been hit by the match baall!<(but bein' a true 'Geordie Times' reportaa, he iz still 'carryin on'!)

Updated '8:43pm bells'
50th minute: Toon defender Mbabu concedes a penalty 1-1!
Correction: goal time actually 55th minute!<(Mickey haz got a lot to answer for!)

Updated '8:50pm bells'
Peter 'Pedro' 'Quasimodo' Beardsley haz just come on az a super sub for wor U21 resorve side!<(he IZ! anly 52 after aall!)

Updated '8:57pm bells'
69th minute: Liam iz nearly hit by the match baall again!<(it's caalled 'magnatism'!)
Attendance given az 1,302<(at least TWO Toon fans from 'The Big Lamp'!)
Correction: Attendance iz actually 1,502<(we'll get it reet one day!?)

Updated 9:17pm bells'
87th minute: GOAL!---Gilliead puts The Toon back in front with a deflected effort!<(or did it gan in direct, from a James Tavernier cross?)

Updated: '9:20pm bells'---the ref blows for full time!---The Toon win 2-1!

Special thanx to Liam and Michael from *'The Lamp' for this 'oot of depth' match report!

*'The Lamp'/Big Lamp' iz a place in The Toon not far from St James' Park on Westgate Road


PS: If yi cannit make it to Cambridge, The Toon U18s are playin' 'The Venky Chickens of Blackborn' @ Little Benton this afternoon!

PS: Too late if yi were thinkin' of gannin' to the U18s game!---just hord that we won 3-0 with Greg Olley and Adam Armstrong gettin' wor goals!

FROM 4th TOP TO 4th BOTTOM! *** "A SAD-SAD STATE OF AFFAIRS!"

Posted '2:40pm bells' Tuesday 23rd April 2013

'GEORDIE TIMES' COMMENT!

It's a sad-sad state of affairs when your manager admits that he will be 'happy'? to finish 4th bottom of the Premyaa Leegue followin' wor 1-1 draw against 'The Baggie Troosers of West Brom' on Saturday!

It's not so lang ago that anothaa Toon manager by the name of Bobby Robson waz sacked coz we were 5th in the table, with wor 'then chairman' 'Fat Freddie' demandin' a 'top 4' 'Champions Leegue' finish!

Of course 'I Beg Your Pardew' is reet, az most fans like meesel will be more than 'happy' just to survive in 'The Premyaa' this season!

Aa waz listenin' to snippets of the Man U v Villa game last neet at work and waz prayin' that the home side would get a boat-load of goals!
NOT! because aa like them or anythin' like that,<(aa cannit f*****' stand them!), but because a hammerin' for 'The Hazbeens and Villians' (who are just below us in the Leegue), would severely 'dent' their goal difference and be in wor favour!

Like aa say!---it's a sad-sad state of affairs when we've got to think like this!---isnt it!?

HEEDBANGERS STAY UP!

Posted '12:50pm bells' Monday 22nd April 2013

It's great to hear that troubled Tyneside club Gatesheed have avoided relegation from 'The Conference' and will play there again next season.

But just where they will be playin' iz anybodys guess az they have used ne fewer than FIVE! different 'home' groonds this season due to the state of the pitch @ Gatesheed Stadium!

The home venues that they have played at include: Gatesheed Stadium, Croft Park*Blyth, Brunton Park*Carlisle, York Street*Boston!, The Victoria Groond*Hartlepool and finally on Saturday, The Riverside Stadium*Smogland, where they secured their place in the top non leegue division by beatin' Ebbsfleet 2-0 in front of 500+ diehards!<(nearly az many az The Smoggies normally get!)

We wish them well for next season and hope that they can sort their new groond oot az well!

THE BAGGIE TROOSERS 1 THE TOON 1 ***"WELCOME TO 'THE TORTURE CHAMBER'!"

Updated 'high noon bells' Sunday 21st April 2013

THE TOON (in maroon!) ATTACK
'THE SMETHWICK END'
(1st half---view from row 'V')

Life in the 'NUFC Torture Chamber' continued in the 2nd half @ The Hawthorns yesterday az we nearly 'hoyed it away' once again!

The pre match 'gargels' were conducted in The Royal Oak, where the bar waz packed with mostly Toon fans, with the odd 'Baggie' here and there!

One Toon 'fan'? who waz absoluteleee 'mortal', started singin'---"I'm on the front page of 'The Chronicle--find me if you can!"---a reference to those 'p*ss brains' pictured in 'The Ronny Gill' on Thorsday, who caaz'd trouble in the Toon last Sunday!>>>>>  

Anyway!---several 'Worthy bitters' were consumed before heedin' for the groond which waz a 10 minute waalk away in the brilliant sunshine!

The game started off well for us az we attacked The Smethwick End in wor *'ill-fated 'aall maroon' strip, where the 3,000 or so Toon fans were housed. (*Have we ever won in that strip?)

We didn't have to wait lang for the forst goal which came in the 8th minute, when, from a Cisse cross, Yohan Gouffran rose above the Albion defence, to power a heeder past their goalie which send 'the travellin' faithful' into raptures!

We had several chances after this to increase wor lead az we bombarded the goal and Demba Cisse in particular missed a glorious chance to double wor lead.
Steve Taylor, Sissoko, Cabaye and Debuchy aalso missed easy chances and we went into the half time break cursin' the fact that we wornt at least three goals up!

The 2nd half waz a 'different kettle of fish' with 'The Baggie Troosers' gannin aall oot for the equaliser!
We held oot til the mid point of the half when Jones beat Rob Elliot with a toe poked effort to level things.


THE TOON KICK OFF, TO START THE 2nd HALF----
LOOKIN' TOWARDS  'THE BIRMINGHAM ROAD END'


A 'Torture Chamber' like atmosphere then engulfed the Toon fans az the home side went for 'the kill'!
We were shambolic by this stage with some shockin' back passes, mistimed tackles and the inability to haad onto the baall for more than three seconds!

It looked for quite a while that we would 'blow it' az we bit wor finger nails to the bone and pulled wot little hair we had left, oot of their sockets!

But somehow we survived and a precious point waz in 'the baggie'<(excuse the pun!) in wor bit to stay above 'the abyss'!

Three bad results for us elsewhere however, meant that we drop doon THREE places in the table to 16th----but at least 'The Blue Wigs', 'The Biscuitmen' and 'appy' arry's Rag and Bone Men' got beat!<(off 'The Pulis P*ss Potts' who gan above us on goal difference!) 

Results which meen that the latter two bottom clubs mentioned, cannit catch us, az they can now anly get a maximum of 36 points!<(The Toon now have 37!)


Toon team: Elliot, Debuchy, Steve Taylor, Yanga, Haidara (Ben Arfa 77), Perch, Sissoko, Cabaye (Gosling 94!), Gutierrez, Gouffran (Shola Ameobi, Cisse

Attendance: 25,671 (3,000 + Toon fans in 'The Smethwick End' 'Torture Chamber'!)

  

THE BAGGIE TROOSERS v THE TOON ***THIS AFTERNOON!

Updated '6:00am bells' Saturday 20th April 2013

With just five games to gan, it looks az though the fight to avoid 'the abyss' iz gannih gan to the last day of the season, unless!---we can pull off an unexpected victory in wor game against 'The Baggie Troosers' @ The Hawthorns @ '3 bells' toooday, and we are due to 'set off' in an hour and a half from now!

Confidence<(not suprizingleee!) iz at a low amongst the fans, but the players yet again have been tellin' the local 'rag' to, "blame us" (for last week) and that they, "will be up for it!" THIS TIME!<(for aboot the 100th time this season!)
(Lets hope so after last weeks performance!)


THE BACK PAGE OF YESTERDAYS 'RONNY GILL'!

The Toon 'end' iz a complete sell-oot, but we divvint naa just how many tickets we have taken?<(the minimum allocation yet again, ne doubt?)

Team news iz that goalie Tim Krul will be oot for the rest of the season with a dislocated shoulder and that Rob Elliot will once again deputise.
Fab Collocini who waz expected to retorn will now not feature and iz expected to retorn to the fray against 'The Liverbirds' @ home, a week tomorrow!---while Davide Santon iz 'oot' az well with hamstring trouble!

Full 'Geordie Times' match report and picx to follow eethaa later toneet or orly/late!? on Sunday mornin'!

THE TOON U21s 4 THE CRYSTAL BAALL GEEZERS U21s 0

Posted '11:20 pm bells' Friday 19th April 2013

"THE ANGEL GABRIEL!"

'THE ANGEL GABRIEL' (centre in white) SCORES HIZ
'HAT-TRICK' @ THE GALLOWGATE END!

A fantastic 'hat-trick' performance by Gabriel Obertan waz the difference between the two teams at a 'packed' St James' Park this evenin'!

Amalfitano foond Obertan in the 10th minute near the box and he made 'ne mistake' with a well placed shot @ 'The Leazes End'!

Rolandro Aarons doubled wor lead in the 25th minute with a curlin' effort which easily beat the Palace keeper 'aall ends up'!

It waz 3-0 within 2 minutes of the 2nd half when 'The Angel Gabriel' got hiz second, beatin' their keeper @ 'The Gallowgate End' with a low shot!

Hiz hat-trick came not lang before the end when a richochaded effort from him, fell nicely back to hiz feet and he proded the baall home, to seal a fine victory for the black 'n' whites!

Attendance 52,000!---"Er!"---empty seats that iz!---478 full ones! (ne Palace fans az far az we could see!)

"IZ THERE ANYBODY THERE?"

THE TOON U21s v THE CRYSTAL BAALL GEEZERS U21s @ SJP!***TOOONEET!

Updated '11:40am bells' Friday 19th April 2013

A very rare event will take place @ St. James' Park toooneet!----Wor resorve U21 side will be playin' a home game @ 'home'!

Aye!---that's reet!--- we are actually gannin to play @ wor city centre HQ, instead of the aaful Blue Flames groond in Benton!---or behind closed door at Darsley Park!--which are both 'oot in the sticks' for many fans!

This iz anly the 2nd time this season that we will have let the resorves play @ St James'--the othaa bein' in  wor derby game against the SMBs, seven months ago, in front of a 1,776 'crowd'!<(wor highest home crowd of the season by a lang way!)

The game against 'The Crystal Baall Geezers' of sooth Landan in the 'Under 21 Resorve Leegue' kicks off @ '7 bells' and 'The East Stand' tornstiles will be open with free admission for season ticket holders and club members! (It's £3 for big kids & £1 for little kids and zimmerframeites!, who don't have season tickets etc!)

So make the most of this rare occurrence and 'get yerselz alang' and bring your lass and the 'sprogs' az well!


Resorve home games so far this season and where they were played:

SIX @ Blue Flames (aka Whitley Park)
THREE @ Darsley Park, behind closed doors!
ONE! @ St. James' Park!

Match report and 'excluuusive picx to follow!

LIONS OR LAMBS?

Posted '6:55pm bells' Tuesday 16th April 2013


ACTION FROM WOR HOME GAME AGAINST WBA
ORLIER THIS SEASON---WE WON 2-1!

It will take a hell of a lang time for 'the dust to settle' after Sunday's capitulation, but like we said yesterday, we 'must move on from there' and concentrate on wor next vital game against 'The Baggie Troosers' of West Brom on Saturday!

With anly one away win aall season in the leegue we can anly hope that we can double that tally @ The Hawthorns, but can we?<(we did beat them at home---like!)
EIGHT away points oot of a possible FORTY EIGHT this season iz a pathetic total and we have aalso lost the last FOWER away from home az well!<(things aint lookin' good!)

Apologies and promises from wor manager and the players, of wot we will de this Saturday in the local 'rag', to 'make it up' to the fans, 'doesn't wash' with us anymore!<(we've hord it aall before!)

Will we come oot of the blocks fightin' like 'lions' az we did against Benfica last Thorsday, OR!, will we 'raise the white flag of surrender' before we start!---and play like 'lambs' az we did last Sunday?


This iz NUFC we are taalkin' aboot and anything iz possible!
The Toon 'end' iz a complete sell-oot and we will of course, support them 'evermore'---come wot may in MAY!?