THE TOON 1 THE TOFFEE NOSES 2

Posted '10:35am bells' Thorsday 3rd January 2013

"IF ANLY A GAME COULD LAST JUST TWO MINUTES!"

"THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE END!"

If this waz a boxin' match then we would surely have won it on points, but of course it wasn't and yet anotha defeat at the tail end of the festive period (12th neet isn't til January 6th!) makes it a very sorry situation indeeed!

Just TWO wins oot of the last ELEVEN (NINE defeats!), tells yoo that we are in serious trouble at the wrang end of the table!
The referee didn't help wor cause eetha, by denyin' us a stonewaall penalty in the forst half when Shola waz brought doon in the box---and then he awarded the visitors a soft free kick @ The Leazes End, from which Baines scored a 30 yard screamer!

It started off so well with Demba Cisse puttin' us aheed in the forst minute @ The Gallowgate End, when the baall boonced ower the Scousers defence after an upfield 'punt' by Toon goalie Tim Krul and it fell nicely for hiz bonce and he heeded it straight into the net ower the dispairin' Tim Howard in the visitors goal!

James Perch then hit the post with a heeder, but with wor luck at the moment, it boonced back into play! 
Baines free kick then levelled things and we went in 1-1 at the break.

"GRAINY ACTION @ THE LEAZES END IN THE 2nd HALF
("Couldn't keep the camera still az I thought
we were aboot to score and waz shakin' like a leaf!")

We had chances to win it in the 2nd half through Shola Ameobi and Santon, who missed glorious chances to sew the game up, but it waz 'The Toffee Noses' who clinched it with another goal conceded through defensive errors in the 60th minute, when substitute Anichebe poked the baall in @ The Gallowgate End.
(Predicted? new signin' and full back Mathieu Debuchy watched on from the Milburn Stand---he must have cringed!)

On 'Match of the Day' later, 'stat man' 'Gary the Crisp', telt us that 'The Toon' were the forst team ever to score three goals away from home in two consecutive Premya Leegue games and not win! (against 'The Arse' last Sat and Man U on Boxin' Day) (some consolation!---"EH!")

That's NE points oot of NINE ower the festive period and THORTEEN goals conceded in three games! (although we HAVE scored SEVEN times in vain!) That's TWENTY goals in total!---sureleee anotha record, 'Gary'?

Toon team: Krul, Perch (Ranger 87), Williamson, Coloccini, Santon, Tiote (Sammy Ameobi 79), Anita, Cisse, Marveaux, Obertan (Bigimarana 65), Shola Ameobi

Attendance: 49,391 (2,000 Toffee Noses)  

DEMBA BA RELEASE CLAUSE ACTIVATED! ***STOP PRESS!***STOP PRESS!

Posted '2:40pm bells' Wednesday 2nd January 2013

News reaches 'The Geordie Times' that the release clause in Demba Ba's contract haz been activated az expected by Chelski and that he therefore will NOT be playin' for us toneet against 'The Toffee Noses'.

Wor manager haz said that we can cope withoot him, but just HOW to you cope withoot a player who haz scored half wor goals this season???

GEORDIE TIMES 'MET OFFICE' WETHAA REPORT ***UPDATE!

Posted '2:00pm bells' Wednesday 2nd January 2013

VIEW FROM THE RIVER TYNE WEB CAM
A FEW MINUTES AGO!

Since wor last update (below) the wethaa haz improved on Tyneside and the 'Freda Paine' haz stopped for the moment, but iz expected to retorn later!
It iz aallso a lot waama than it waz a few hours ago az we look forward? to the big match toneet @ St James' Park against 'The Toffee Noses' of Morseyside.

THE TOON v THE TOFFEE NOSES***TOONEET!

Updated '11:20am bells' Wednesday 2nd January 2013


"A VIEW OF ST JAMES' PARK FROM
THE HAYMARKET BUS STATION"

Results elsewhere yesterday havvent exactlee gone wor way and we now find worsels just TWO points above the 'abyss' in wot haz been a terrible season so far.
2013, we hope, will be 'lucky' for us, but 'The Toffee Noses' of Morseyside will ne doubt have sommik to say aboot that toneet @ '8 bells'!
We havvent got a clue wetha Demba Ba will be playin' or if he will have 'flown the nest' by kick off time? (we certainly need him!)

Last season we beat wor visitors 2-1 on 'Bonfire neet'--which (for the benefit of wor owerseas reeders!) iz the anniversary of  Guy Falkes who waz famously bornt alive at the stake for tryin' to blow the Hooses of Parliament' up in 1605!<("Yes!---we naa wor history!") 
Ryan Taylor scored wor winnin' goal that day and there's ne doubt that there's plenty at 'stake' toneet az well! (ne doubt there'll be loads of 'fireworks' az well!)<(aa naa!--it gets worse doesn't it!?) ("sic!")

It's freezin' caad ootside today and the 'Freda Paine' iz chuckin' it doon az I write this and a soggy St James' Park will greet the fans and players alike @ kick off time!
The game iz live on SKY for aall yeez fair wetha 'Pub Plonkies' and  'can in the hand' 'Couch Spudatoes'!

Match report to follow tomorrow in yet anothaa 'must win game'!   

"HAPPY NEW YEAR TO AALL WOR REEEDERS!"

Posted '11:40am bells' New Years Day 2013

      "HAPPY  NEW  YEAR!"

FIREWORKS DISPLAY FROM NEWCASIL QUAYSIDE
LOOKIN' TOWARDS GATESHEED!

The new year iz upon us, the torkey haz been eaten and 'The Toon' have been beaten!

We can anly hope that 2013 iz a better year than the 'back half' of the last, az wor record iz shockin' to say the least!
NE wins in FIFTEEN away from home in Leegue, Cup and Europe and we have aalso conceded more away goals than ANY otha Premya Leegue side includin' 'The Hazbeens and Villians' of Bormingham!
Frightingly, we sit just THREE points above the 'abyss' and wor star centre forward and top goal scorer iz dein' hiz best to 'jump ship'!

Some good news though!--the much needed iminent signin' of French full back Mathieu Debuchy iz expected in the next couple of days and we hear that he will be in the stands for wor crucial game against 'The Toffee Noses' of Morseyside tomorrow neet!

20'13' might be an unlucky number for some---lets hope (and pray!) that it ISN'T for us and that we can get a good result!?

"ISLINGTON PUB CRAWL---SHAMED!---SACRILEDGE! ----AND SANCTUARY!"

Updated '6:55pm bells' New Years Eve 2012

"NOT! OPEN AALL HOURS---THE BIG RED!"
"NAMED AND SHAMED!"

After gettin' off the train @ King's Cross before wor game against 'The Arse' on Saturday mornin', we heeded for Islington (where 'The Arse' play) and in particular wor fave 'haunt' which iz the 'Big Red' on Holloway Road, which iz a fifteen minute waalk from the groond.

We arrived @ 'high noon bells' anly to find the shutters doon and 'ne sign of life' through the pub windows!?---it was just like wor previous game @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' on Boxin' Day when wor fave boozer waz shut! (scroll doon the page!) ie: anotha disgraceful state of affairs, az we were in orjent need of some liquid refreshment!
'The Big Red' ---named and SHAMED!

We remembered that there waz a boozer ower the road and so we heeded in that direction---but!---couldn't find it?  After seachin' high and low scratchin' wor heeds, aa looked up to the tops of the buildings to see 'KINGS HEAD' engraved into the roof!---Az mee mincers panned doon to groond level----horror upon horror!---The pub sign below had been taken doon and replaced by!!!--- a 'COSTA'! sign! (aye!---that's reet---the pub had been torned into a f*****' coffee shop since the last time we were here, last season!
SACRILEGE!

"THE KINGS HEAD!---NOW A COSTA COFFEE BAR!"
"SACRILEDGE!"

We ended up gannin doon Seven Sisters Road where two hundred yards doon, there waz a street market and a BOOZER!
It waz caalled 'The Enkle Arms' and the lights were on and the doors were open----SANCTUARY!

The beer waz dead cheap (for London!) (£2:40 a pint!) so we decided to stop there for 'the duration' (ie: until it waz time to gan to the match!)
The anly problem waz!---the SMBs game against Spors waz live on the telly and az we NEVA watch them on the 'box', we torned wor backs to the screen and stared at the waalls instead!

"OPEN AALL HOURS---THE ENKEL ARMS!"
"SANCTUARY!"

There were a load of Xmas cards strung up and we noticed that there were FOWER 'duplicates' and a TREBLE!, which waz pointed oot by 'The Caped Crusader'! <("well spotted!")---(they had aall obviously been bought from the same shop!)< (if this isn't sad---then wot iz!?)

Anyway!---we moved to anotha part of the bar away from the telly, where we stayed until it waz time to gan to the game!---we'd enjoyed worsels up til this point, but now it waz time to 'suffer' and gan to the game!
(see 'horror show' match report below!)

PS: "Yi didn't believe the story aboot the Xmas cards!---did yiz???"

"Er!---SORRY ABOOT THE BLURRED PHOTO, BUT WE DID
HAVE A CANNY BIT TO DRINK ON THE TRAIN DOON!"
"HIC!"

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

THE ARSE 7 THE TOON 3****"IT WAZ ON THE CARDS!" ("AND I DON'T MEEEN 'XMAS CARDS'!")

Updated '7:00pm bells' Sunday 30th December 2012      

"ANYTHING! CAN HAPPEN
IN THE NEXT HALF HOUR!!!"

The 'cricket score' that we envisaged @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' on Boxin' Day actually happened just three days later here in 'the smoke'!

It's painful to type this, but wor defence haz so many holes in it, that more scores like this are sureleee inevitable, unless we buy in the 'January sales'!

The last half hour of the game in particular waz a 'horror show' and we just collapsed like a 'pack of cards', concedin' an incredible FIVE! goals in this space of time! (it waz 'TWO-TWO' up til this point and we were az good az wor hosts up til then!)

The goal sequences were az follows:
(deeep breath!)

20th minute: Theo Walcott gans roond Tim Krul to put the home side aheed (1-0 to 'The Arse')

43rd minute: A Demba Ba free kick just ootside the box ricko-shades<(Geordie Times spelllin'!) off an 'Arse' defender to put us level! (1-1 !)

50th minute: A Danny Simpson 'throw in' finds a home player? who slots the baall to Chambelain, who fires past Tim Krul! (2-1 to 'The Arse')

59th minute: We level things with a fantastic goal  when 'The Angel Gabriel'< (it's STILL Xmas!) crossed the baall and 'Marveaux the Magician' slams the baall into 'The Arses' net!
(2-2 !)

64th minute: 'The Arse' again regain the lead when Podolski<(he's Polish--wud yoo believe!?) nodded in from close range!) (3-2 to 'The Arse')

69th minute: Demba Ba levels things once again with a great volley from a cross by 'Marveaux the Magician'! (3-3 !)

And then it aall went horribly wrang!

73rd minute: Walcott wellies the baall and it gans into the top corner of the goal! (4-3 to 'The Arse')

84th minute: Olivier Giroud heeds the baall past Tim Krul to give them a two goal advantage! (5-3 to 'The Arse')

87th minute: Giroud hits his 2nd goal in 3 minutes to 'finish us off' (6-3 to 'The Arse)

92nd minute: Walcott completes wor misery with hiz 'hat-trick! (7-3 to 'The Arse'---final score!) ("help!")

'The Arse' fans then 'take the p*ss', but they have short memories az it isn't so lang ago that THEY lost 8-2 @ 'The Theatre of Muppets'!---an even WORSE scoreline!--- we believe!

Toon team: Krul, Simpson (Ferguson 82), Perch, Coloccini, Santon, Bigiramana (Shola Ameobi 83), Tiote, Cisse, Marveaux (Tavernier 82), Obertan, Ba  

Attendance: 60,087 <(surely not az there were loads of empty seats? (2,000 'shell shocked' Toon fans!)


To 'hoy a spanner in the works' the '9 bells' train yem from King's Cross waz 'dry' by decree of the 'British Transport Dibbles' and it took an incredible FIVE hours to get back to Tyneside! (it normally teks 'THREE'!) (that's FIVE HOURS eatin' crisps and drinkin' 'Diet Coke'!)<(I'm on a slimmin' regime!)

PS: A'v done this 'match report' after a'v had a few 'Sunday lunchtime liquids', (to get mee heed straight!) but yiv aall probably seen the game anyway on the telly and yi divvint reeely need me to tell yoo the 'blindingleee obvious'! 

THE ARSE v "THAT WEE CLUB IN THE NORTH EAST!"***TODAY @ '5:30pm BELLS!

Posted '6:00am bells' Saturday 29th December 2012

This mornin' we are off to 'The Arse' on the 7:20 from 'The Central' to King's Cross to see us play against 'Arsene's' 'Arseh*les' @ 'The Emirites'!

Seriously!---'Arsene' iz a decent kind of guy and actually LIKES playin' @ St James' Park, which in the past he's said iz a great place to play!

The kick off iz @ '5:30 bells' and we've hord that wor train yem @ '9 bells' iz completeleee DRY!
(Special thanx to 'British Transport Police' for this NON festive jesture towards us!) < "and a happy new year to yoo az well!" ("NOT!")
Neva mind!---it's just one of the many hazards of bein' a Toon fan!

Actually, 'The Emirates' (in my opinion!) iz the BEST groond in 'the premya' and with it bein' the closest groond to King's Cross, it makes it the most desirable in 'the smoke' to visit! 

At least most of the home fans are actually 'true Londoners', unlike Man U's who are of the plastic 'Cockney' variety, who we saw on Boxin' Day in Salford!
We'll be in 'The Big Red' on Holloway Road if anybody fancies joinin' us for a few 'tonsil ticklers' this afternoon before the match! 

We look forward to the visit and who naaz?---"The wee club from the north east!", might actually 'sneak' a result!?

Match report to follow sometime tomorrow!

"OLD FERGIE'S LOST HIZ LIGGIES!"

Posted '3:00pm bells' Friday 28th December 2012

'Old Fogey Fergy' haz completleee 'lost hiz marbles' this time<(alang the 'Scotswood Road' perhaps?) by caallin' us: "A wee club in the north east!"

This 'wee club' were the forst one in the world to average gates of ower *30,000 in 1906-1907 (*33,235) and ower *50,000 in 1947-1948 az a SECOND DIVISION CLUB (*56,283) which iz STILL a world record to this day for a club ootside the 'top flight'!
(Man U's record average gate ootside the top flight iz *48,387 in 1974-1975)

NUFC are the ANLY club in the world to have averaged ower *50,000 in both the top flight and second grade futbaall!

Wor average gates when we were relegated in 2008-2009 waz 48,750!  An 'unwanted' world record we admit, which incidentlee iz HIGHER than the SMBs record average gate of *47,785 in 1947-1948 
(when Man U were famously relegated in 1973-1974 their average was *42,712!)

'Senile Dementure Septuagenarian' are the words I'm lookin' for I think!

*Attendances source:
'Through the Turnstiles...Again'

'Liggies' iz Geordie slang for 'Marbles' 

"FERGIE WAZ RIGHT!---HE CAN DE WOT HE LIKES!"

Posted '1:30pm bells' Friday 28th December 2012


"THE BACK PAGE OF 'THE DAILY MAIL' SEZ IT AALL!"

Unbelievibleee!---'Old Fogey Fergie' iz gettin' off with the ootragious half time rant against the officials at wor game at 'The Theatre of Muppets' on Boxin' Day???

'Spineless' referee Mike Dean chose NOT? to report his disgraceful behaviour to the FA and so the 'Old Fogey' gets away with it once again!???

Any otha manager wud have been 'sent off', but Dean chose to 'bottle it' and inexplableee 'torn a blind eye'

'Old Fogey' even had the norve to caall wor manager a hypoctrite when he had the temerity to dare say wot many people think: 'Quote': "Mike Dean might feel slightly disappointed that he didn't do something about it!"

Of course he does have a 'Sir' before hiz name, a statue of himsel ootside the groond and a massive stand named after him---SO!--- he can de wot the F*** he likes---carnt he????


"AN 18 YEAR OLD REF HAZ HIS SAY!"

"HANG YOUR HEED IN SHAME MIKE DEAN!"