HALF TERM REPORT***"NOT GOOD ENOUGH!"

Updated '10:40am bells' Friday 28th December 2012

We have now reached the halfway point of the season and are languishin' in 15th place in the table with just 20 points on the board from 19 games played and are just 5 points above 'the abyss'!



"The wheel's come off!"

Add in the fact that we havvent won ONE solitary away game oot of 14 played in Leegue, Cup and Europe, meens we are fightin' for wor lives once again and it 'wheely' >>>>>>>>>>>>>
isn't good enough! (sic!)

We can anly hope that wor 'beloved'? owner puts hiz hand in hiz pocket in the January transfor window, 'before the wheels come off', but the likelihood iz we will SELL 'yee naa who' before we BUY!

How can it be that a club who iz the THORD best supported in Britain iz in this predicament again???
We had 50,000 (plus) against QPR in the pourin' rain just three days before Xmas, yet we cannit seem to compete with clubs with half wor support!

'The Arse' iz next on wor away list tomorrow, but if we play like we did @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' on Boxin' Day then we have a chance!
BUT!---this IZ! NUFC divvint forget and anythin' cud happen!

"ANYTHING! can happen in the next 90 minutes!"

THE COCKNEY REDS of SALFORD 4 THE TOON 3

Updated '9:45am bells' Thorsday 27th December 2012

THE TOON ATTACK THE SCOREBOARD END
IN THE 1st HALF (MARVEAUX'S SHOT HITS BAR!)

Three times we led in this game and three times the home side came back to level things, with their winnin' goal comin' bang on the 90 minute mark, to break wor hearts!

Before the match we'd heeded for 'The Broadway' boozer in Salford Quays, anly to find the shutters doon @ '11:10 am bells'---a DISGRACEFUL state of affairs, given that we were in need some liquid lubrication to quensh wor thorsts, forthwith!


'THE BROADWAY'---"NAMED AND SHAMED!"
"NOT!" OPEN AALL HOURS!"

We had ne choice therefore, but to 'move on' to 'The Lowry Centre', which iz a bit closer to the groond, where we foond 'sustinence' at ower FOWER QUID a pint in a bar caalled 'Lime' which iz nearly double the price of 'The Broadway'!
A canny few Manc fans with 'dodgy' non Mancunian accents filled the bar and we estimated that WE probably lived closer to 'The Theatre of Muppets' than at least three qwaataz of them!

It waz then off to the match some 20 minutes distant in the pourin' rain and we got a reet soakin' waalkin' there!

The goal sequences/incidents were az follows:

4th minute: Wearin' wor 'high viz jacket' coloured strips we took the lead when a Demba Ba shot waz fumbled by their keeper De Gea and James Perch waz on hand to sidefoot the baall into the net in front of the 2,000 (plus) Toon fans behind that goal! (1-0 to us!)

25th minute: Evans taps in equaliser after Tim Krul blocked a Hernandez shot (1-1 !)

28th minute: Evans deflects a Danny Simpson shot into hiz own net az the linesman flags for offside on Papiss Cisse.
After a discussion with hiz linesman the ref Mike Dean gives the goal az Evans had played Cisse onside by touchin' the baall. 'Old Fogey Fergie' waz NOT amused and ranted and raved on the touchline beratin' the officials! (nowt new there!---then!) (2-1 to us!)

'Marveaux the Magician' then struck a fab free kick which hit the bar and rebounded oot just before the interval, which would have put us 3-1 up had we had some luck! (see top photo!)


"The ref waz reet! ---'Old Fogey Fergie' waz wrang!"
Az the teams came back from their half time break 'Furious Fergie' had ANOTHA go at the ref, linesman and 4th official az he ranted and raged on the touchline, pointin' hiz fingers and shakin' hiz fists in every direction!--an absolute disgrace if yoo ask us, to try and intimidate them! (it waz later shown on 'Match of the Day' that indeed the REF WAZ REET to award wor 2nd goal!)

58th minute: A fine Evra shot beats Tim Krul and the baall ends up in the back of hiz net!
(2-2 !)

68th minute: We again retake the lead, when, (appropriately for this time of year!) 'The Angel Gabriel' (Obertan) sends in a fine cross at 'The Stretford End' and Cisse smashes home an unstoppable shot for the goal of the game! (3-2 to us!)

71st minute: The lead doesn't last long though az Van Persie scores from close range! (3-3 !)

Sub Sammy Ameobi hits a great shot which rebounds off the post and straight into the arms of De Gea (lucky b*****d!)

90th minute: It's heartbreak time folks az Hernandez grabs an undeserved winner for 'The Cockney Reds' with a volley that 'cruely' beats Tim Krul! (4-3 to them---final score!)

Just to hoy a 'spanner into the works', Anita suffers wot looks like a nasty knee injury deep into stoppage time!

Not the 'cricket score' that some had envisaged but still a painful undeserved defeat nonetheless!

Toon team: Krul, Simpson, Williamson, Coloccini, Santon, Anita, Perch, Bigiramana (Obertan 64), Cisse (Sammy Ameobi 78), Ba (Shola Ameobi 70), Marveaux

Attendance: 75,596 (2,000 (plus) Toon fans) 

THE COCKNEY REDS of SALFORD v THE TOON ***'3 BELLS' TODAY!

Posted '7:40am bells' Boxin' Day 2012

We face the dauntin' task later today of tryin' to win a Leegue game @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' for the forst time in FORTY years and az we havvent won a solitary away game this season in THORTEEN attempts in Leegue, Cup and Europe, wor prospects divvint look ower good!---do they?

We will gladly settle for a point, but feel that this iz wishful thinkin' in the extreme! (although we DID get a point there last season with a 1-1 draw!)

"Somewhere to droon wor sorrows
BEFORE the match?"
(Hopefully that's NOT the case!)

For the second time in three month's we're settin' off across 'the Pennines' to deepest Salford within the next hour (we lost there 2-1 in the League Cup in September!) and wor forst 'port o caall' will (az usual!) probably be 'The Broadway' boozer which iz aboot a 25 minute waalk from the groond! (that's if it hazzent closed it's doors for good and been boarded up!?) (like so many ale hooses in recent years!) 

'The Geordie Times' match report will follow much later---let's hope it isn't a 'suicidal one'!

GEORDIE TIMES FESTIVE HITS

Posted '9:15pm bells' Cris'mis
Day 2012


WHITE XMAS!?---PLEEEZE GOD!---"NO!"

Ower the last couple of days 'The Geordie Times' haz had an unusually high number of pageviews (for US anyway!) and we can anly assume that it's Xmas boredom on your part, due to the festive 'transport/pub/shop shutdoon' and the fact that that bloody 'Snowman' film waz shown YET AGAIN on the telly today, alang with aall the otha cr*p that yi get on 'the 25th'! (ne doubt 'Morcambe and Wise' and 'Bing F*****' Crosby' were on the TV schedule somewhere az well!?)

On Xmas Eve we had wor most 'hits' of the year so far in one day (160) and today we have well ower 100 at the time of typin' this into mee computaa!

A preview of wor trip to 'The Theatre of Muppets' tomorrow will appear in the mornin' before we leave

THE TOON ON THE MOON!

Posted '4:30pm bells' Chris'mis Day 2012

Aa waz drinkin' in 'The Porcy' in the Haymarket on Sunday afternoon when a fellow plonky caalled 'Geordie' asked me if aa waz gannin' to the Ukraine to watch The Toon in February.
"OF COURSE!" came the reply from little ol' me az aa supped mee 'liquid lunch'!

"Would yi gan if they played on the Moon?", waz his next question az he looked me straight in the eye, az he pointed hiz left index finger in my direction!
"YES!"--aa said, "But aa divvint think there'd be any atmosphere at the match!" (yi'v got ti be quick!) (sic!)



"IF THEY PLAY ON THE MOON
WE'LL HIRE A SPACE ROCKET
JUST TO FOLLOW THE TOON!"

ST JAMES' PARK***A PROPA FUTBAALL GROOND!

Posted '12:45pm bells' Cris'mis Day 2012

A quote from QPR central defender Ryan Nelsen after wor game against them in the pourin' rain last Saturday makes very interestin' readin':

"I love those conditions!---It was fun out there for most of the match!---St James' Park is one of my favourite places, especially with the rain lashing down and wind biting and the crowd is really passionate!---Maybe I'm just old and sentimental but that's what English football is all about!---It was like the Alamo at times!---I swear I heard the horns and the cavalry coming!!!"

ST JAMES' PARK LAST SATURDAY!
LOOKIN' TOWARDS 'THE LEAZES END'!

"AND McFAUL IZ OUR GOAL-EEE!"

Posted '9:40am bells' Cris-mis Day 2012

'The Geordie Times' makes ne apologeee for diggin' up this 'festive futbaall classic' once again from the 1960's when fans actually made up decent songs!
("Those were the days!")

DIVVINT JUST BOOK IT!***THOMAS COOK IT!"

Updated '5:00pm bells' Xmas Eve Monday 24th December 2012

'The Geordie Times' haz lorned that travel agents Thomas Cook (Sport) are puttin' on just ONE plane for an owerneet stay in Karkiv, Ukraine for wor Europa Leegue match against Metalist on Thorsday 21st February.
(The 'day trip' mentioned previously, iz NOT gannin' az far az we naa!?) 

Flights are direct from 'Toon Airport' and the total price includin' a match ticket iz aroond aboot the *£399 mark for the owerneet stay! (*might be slightly more, dependin' on the price of the match ticket!?)

We understand that the plane iz a 180 seater , so if yi plannin' on gannin', yi'd betta book now to save yi the hassle of havin' to travel there via London, Istanbul and Kiev! (and an extra £300 to boot!) 
("AT LEAST TEN OF US AALREADY HAVE!") 

THE TOON 1 'APPY 'ARRY'S RAG AND BONE MEN RANGERS 0

Updated '10:35am bells' Sunday 23rd December 2012

DEMBA BA FREE KICK @ GALLOWGATE END
(HIS SHOT WENT MILES OWER THE BAR!)

Aall day, torrential rain in Geordieland and it's environs< ('The Geordie Times' naaz aall the posh words!) made it a 'grey day' indeed, az we made wor way 'up the hill' to St James' and then onward to 'level 7 of The Milburn Stand' via the 200 steps up to wor seats on the balcony above the directors box!

To be porfectleee honest the forst half waz absolutlee cr*p! and with the wind addin' to the 'Freda Paine', it made it a horrible half to endure az we (again!) couldn't seem to put two passes together withoot losin' the baall!
(Wor visitors from Shepherd's Bush were even worse!) (0-0 half time!)

The 2nd half waz a bit better, but the likes of Demba Ba, who waz takin' orful free kicks, couldn't get their act together.
Az the time passed it looked az though the match would end nil-nil***UNTIL!***the introduction of 'Super Sub Shola' and the 'Angel Gabreil'<(whey! it IZ Xmas!) in the 60th minute to replace Cisse and 'Spiderman'.

2nd HALF ACTION @ THE LEAZES END

Obertan (the 'Angel Gabreil'!) then made some stunnin' runs doon the left wing of 'The Milburn Stand' and had several impressive crosses to bring the 50,000 faithful back to life, but it waz Shola who saved the day with a well placed left footed shot into the corner of 'The Leazes' goal, with just nine minutes left on the clock, after good work from Davide Santon and James Perch, who supplied him with the pass!

Some anxious moments due to stupid free kicks bein' given away at 'the death', nearly cost us, but we held on for the precious three points!

With games comin' up away @ 'The Theatre of Muppets' on Boxin' Day and 'The Arse' a few days later, theeze are probably the anly points we will get til the new year!

Toon team: Krul, Simpson, Coloccini, Williamson, Santon, Anita, Tiote (Marveaux 77), Perch, Gutierrez (Obertan 60), Ba, Cisse (Shola Ameobi 60)

Attendance: a suprizin' 50,180 considerin' we got less against 'The Blue Moonies of Manchester' last week? (900 or so 'rag and bone men' from Sheperd's Bush!)(plus a not so 'appy 'arry in the away dugoot!)  


"THREE! RESIDENTS OF SHEPHERD'S BUSH
SPOTTED OOTSIDE ST JAMES'
NEXT TO THE QPR BUSSES!"



Fortha update @ '11:45pm bells'

"ER!"---a'v just watched 'Match of the Day 2' and it waz 'Marveaux the Magician' who supplied the pass for Shola's goal and NOT James Perch!

And wor excuse for gettin' it wrang???
"Well!---we did have a canny bit to drink before the match and wor seats in 'level 7 of The Miburn Stand' ARE a canny way from 'The Leazes End' goal! (see 2nd photo!)---
it IZ Chrismas yi naa!!!---"Hic!"

THE TOON v HAPPY HARRY'S RAG AND BONE MEN FROM SHEPHERDS BUSH

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 22nd December 2012

THE TOON v THE SHEPERDS BUSH MOB FROM LAST SEASON
WE WON 1-0 THROUGH A LEON BEST GOAL!

Today @ '3 bells' we play a crucial game at St James' in this 'must win' game against 'arrys  Rag and Bone Men' and three points are vital az we try to keep wor heeds above the parapit!
We expect a low crowd, especially az the weathers lowzy and it's near Xmas and we predict that aroond aboot 43,000 will torn up!

Match report to follow az usual much later and we can anly hope it's a happy one, with trips to 'The Theatre of Muppets' and 'The Arse' away comin' up in the next week or so!