THE TOON RESORVES 0 THE ARSE RESORVES 1

Posted '9:00am bells' Wednesday 11th April 2012

FANS HUDDLE UNDERNEATH THE SMAALL
STANDIN' SHELTER IN THE CORNER OF
THE GROOND FROM THE POURIN' RAIN

A closely fought contest @ Blue Flames, Benton saw a very youth Toon team gan doon by the anly goal of the game in the incessant rain.

The goal came in the 16 minute when The Arse, attackin' 'The Inter City 125 End' (not far from where the trains gan past!) scored through Thomas Eisfeld. The Jawman forward hit a low shot from inside the box to beat Jak Alwick in The Toon goal.

The Arse dominated for lang periods in the forst half, but we had the better of the second period az the 'Freda Paine' came lashin' doon and we were unlucky not to equalise through efforts from Marcus Maddison, Phil Airey and Micheal Richardson.

This waz wor EIGHTH defeat in a row and we now face league leaders Man U @ Blue Flames next Monday neet and the signs divvint look good az they put SIX past us orlier this year doon in Altrincham!

Attendance: 385 (a Few Arse shirts were knockin' aboot in the crowd---probably students!) 

THE TOON RESORVES v THE ARSE RESORVES---TONEET @ '7 BELLS'

Posted '3:30pm bells' Tuesday 10th April 2012

Toneet @ Blue Flames the resorves tek on The Arses equivelent in an FA Premier Resorve League match in front of spectators for a change!

Unlike the Fulham Fiasco we encoontered last week in sooth Landan, we will actually see the game from INSIDE the groond this time! (see ground 285--NOT! in 'Archive grounds list')

Match report to follow later!

THE TOON 2 'NE WHERE NEAR BOLTON', WANDERERS 0!

Updated '11:30am bells' Tuesday 10th April 2012

An absoloootleee brilliant run from Hatam Ben Arfa broke the deadlock in this stalemate and hiz goal will sureleee be in contention for goal of the season!

The forst half waz a 'bore draw' with Bolton obviously comin' for a point in their bid to avoid the drop.

'Uncle' Ben Arfa (centre) scores hiz brilliant goal
@ The Gallowgate End

Both teams were 'even stevens' until 'Uncle Bens' fabulous run at just after the mid point in the 2nd half, when he ran ower half the length of the pitch, beatin' half the Bolton team in the process to fire in a fabulous goal to break the deadlock!

Cisse (far post) score wor second and decisive goal!

'Super sub' Shola Ameobi ensured that we secured the valuable three points when hiz pinpoint cross foond non otha tha Demba Papiss Cisse who had the easy task of toe pokin' the baall into the net past the dispairin' Wanderers keeper to secure goal number TEN in just nine games since he signed for us!

Otha results went wor way az well with 'The Toffee Noses' hammerin' Moanin' Martins SMB's
fower -nil!--- meanin' that they cannot now catch us!---and Spors lost 2-1 to Norwich at home!---Meanwhile! The OAP's of Chelski cud anly draw 1-1 with Fulham to leave us TWO points clear of them!

We are nuw equal fourth with Spors and just two points behind 'The Arse' in wor unlikeleee bid for a  Champions League place!----dafter things have happened?--- but the 52,000 plus crowd who witnessed this will be 'ower the moon' with this result! ("Er""---that's apart from the thoosand or so who had travelled up from Horwich (where Bolton play!) in 'Level 7'

Toon team:Krul Simpson, Santon, Williamson, Coloccini, Ben Arfa (R Taylor 85), Perch (Ferguson 46), Gutierrez, Ba (Shola Ameobi 64), Cisse 
Attendance: 52,264 (1,000 Wanderers)

(See latest league table below)

PS: 'The Geordie Times 100 Pub Crawl Challenge'  haz now reached the dizzy heights of 98 drinkin' dens' and this will be updated later on this week!

THE TOON v 'NE WHERE NEAR' BOLTON, WANDERERS!---TOODAY @ '3 BELLS'

Posted '8:25am bells' Easter Monday 8th April 2012

"Swanzee have been beaten and the Easter eggs have been eaten!", az we gan for five wins in a row today, when we play 'Ne Were near Bolton' this afternoon @ St James' Park<(and aalways will be!)
They will have 1,000 fans in 'Level 7' of 'The Leazes' and anotha 50,000 crowd iz predicted by us!

A win will tek us to within two points of 'The Arse' again, who are in thord place and divvint play til Wednesday, while both Chelski and Spors both play today in the race for 'The Champions League/Europa League'! (see league table below)

Az far az 'The Geordie Times 100 Pub Crawl Challenge' gans, we are nuw on 95 'drinkin dens' and are on 'the last lap' az we 'lap up the liquid'!

We are startin' to struggle a bit to find boozers that are actually open, (like 'The Quilted Camel', 'The Blacky Boy' and 'Trillions', which are aalways shut when we've attempted to visit them!?) and today we are heedin' back to the Central Station area to try and de a couple more before the match?

Footnote: Bolton's Reebok Stadium groond in Horwich iz actually nearer to Wigan's toon centre than Bolton's!---hence wor name for them, az it's 'ne where near' Bolton!

Match report to follow later toneet az usual ('100 Pub Crawl' later this week!)

THE SWAN LAKERS 0 THE TOON 2---A 'VERY!' GOOD FRIDAY!----INDEED!!

Posted '10:45am bells' Easter Saturday 7th March 2012

"ONE FOR THE LADIES!"

Anotha fantastic win keeps us within touchin' distance of a Champions League place az we are now just TWO points behind Spors az I speak and THREE above Chelski.
Of course results ower the weekend could change aall this, but we shud 'milk it' while we can!

Demba Papiss Cisse again provided the goals with hiz forst comin' in just the 5th minute when Yohan Cabaye supplied a through baall to Cisse and he ran through to place his shot past the advancin' Swans keeper Vorm, to put us 1-0 up!

Swanzee applied pressure on The Toon's defence for lang periods but they couldn't make the breakthrough and we went in at half time with that goal advantage.

The Toon (in their 'orangemen' change strip) attack the Swanzee goal

Swanzee again bombarded wor goal in the second period, but it waz aall in vain az Cisse again waz wor savior, when on a break doon the right hand side from us, chipped a brilliant lob ower Vorm from a tight angle to send the 2,000 or so travellin' faithful behind that goal, who had made the 350 plus mile jorney doon to this  sooth Wales outpost, into ecstatic celebrations! (see top photo!) 

This brought the now inevitable chant of: "Jose Enrique---we're in the top FIVE!"

Toon team: Krul, Simpson, Williamson, Perch, Santon, Gutierrez, Cabaye (Gosling 73), Ben Arfa, Tiote (Ryan Taylor 46), Cisse, Ba (Ferguson 59)

Attendance: 19,874 (estimated 2,000 very happy Toon fans!)

(more updates to follow on wor very lang trip, when we get time!)

THE SWAN LAKERS v THE TOON---TOODAY @ '4:30 BELLS'!

Posted '6:25am bells' Good Friday 6th April 2012

In just ower half an hours time we will be settin' off for sooth Wales in Blondie Alan's jam jar for wor Good Friday jaunt to Swanzee to see Cedric the Swan!

To be honest with yoo, a'm a bit 'appreeehensive' aboot drivin' doon---and with good f***** reason! after wot happened the last time we were here!

And for this reason alone, I make ne apologeee for diggin' up the match report from wor one and anly previous visit to The Liberty Stadium in 2010---a 'Disaster Day' if ever there waz one! (reproduced for yiz aall below---once again!)
(Does anythin EVER gan reet for us!??? (for those of yoo who havvent read it, scroll fortha doon the page for the 'Disaster Day' 'Fulham resorve report' from last Tuesday afternoon!)

Az per usual The GeordieTimes will post a 'match report when we eventually retorn! (hopefully NOT on the back of an AA breakdoon truck like last time!---read on!---rrreeeeed fffuu****n onnnnn!

FULHAM RESORVES v TOON RESORVES---"TODAY IN LANDAN!"

Posted 5:10am bells Tuesday 3rd April 2012

"HAVE YI SEEN THE HEIGHT OF THE FENCE!---LIKE!"

This afternoon @ '2 bells' somewhere in 'Sarf Landan' The Toon's second string take on Fulham's equivalent in a behind closed doors fixture @ Motspur Park.


'The Geordie Times mad-sad groundhoppers entourage' (aall 4 of us---mebeez more?) are heedin' doon to 'the smoke' on the 6:30 am bells train to Kings Cross, and it iz a closelee guarded secret az to just how we are to get past the security guards at the groond!

But!--- az it haz at least one stand and a runnin' track, it iz a 'must visit' 'proper groond' and therefore we've GOT TO attempt to get in somehow!
Motspur Park's 'claim to fame', by the way, iz that the world mile record waz broken on the track, way back in 1938!

We'll let yi naa tomorrow mornin' if we succeded in gettin' in, (or not!) so!---az usual 'watch this space'!

PS: Az we wont be back 'till late toneet, 'The Geordie Times 100 Pub Crawl Challenge' latest update will have to be 'put on ice' 'till sometime tomorrow at the orliest! (grovellin' apologeeeez!)

"OH! CARROLL!---I AM BUT A FOOL!" --------(AN 'APRIL FOOL'---THAT IZ!)

Posted 'high noon bells' Monday 2nd April 2012

More pics from wor April Fools Day encoonta with The Liverbirds! (Scroll doon for match report below!)

A BLATANT DIVE FOR A PENALTY BY 'ANDY PANDY',
WHEN IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASIER TO SCORE,
DIDN'T (APRIL) 'FOOL' THE REF AND
HE WAZ DESERVEDLY BOOKED!



DEMBA CISSE (APRIL) 'FOOLS' THE LIVERBIRDS
DEFENCE TO SCORE HIZ 2nd GOAL
@ THE LEAZES END!



THE TOON 2 THE LIVERBIRDS 0

Updated 9:30am bells' Monday April 2nd 2012

"APRIL FOOL, JOSE!---WE'RE IN THE TOP SIX!" 

The April Fools Day live telly game waz won by 'The Toon' az 'Cringin Kenny's Calamitous Club Capitulated'<(try sayin that afta drinkin' 20 pints of liquid lubrication!)

Demba Cisse waz The Toon hero az he scored twice to secure the points and a ELEVEN point gap ower the 'Lacklustre Liverbirds!'
Ben Arfa was the playmaker behind both goals and he had an absolutleee brilliant game.

The forst goal came in the 19th minute when Ben Arfa sent a pinpoint cross in from the Milburn Stand touchline and Cisse heeded in off the near post to give us the lead @ The Gallowgate End.

Goal number two came in the 2nd half on the hour mark @ The Leazes End when Ben Arfa again supplied Cisse in the box and he seemed to hesitate 'in slow motion' before placin' his shot beyond Riena in The Liverbirds goal. 

The 3,000 Mickeymousers in 'Level 7' were waalkin' alone lang before the final whistle (az half of them had aalready left!) and it was 'Cringin Kenny' who waz 'The April Fool' on this occasion and surely he haz been 'foond oot' by 'The Kopites' by now???

Jose Enrique had to endure some horrendous stick az his "You'll NEVER be in the top SIX!"- comments backfired dramatically and he actually ended up in goal, az Pepe Reina was sent off for stickin' a 'Glasgow Kiss' <(that Rab C Nesbitt wouldn't have been proud of!)  on Toon defender James Perch!
'Andy Pandy' and 'Bellaz the Poison Dwarf' were humiliatingly substituted by 'King Kenny'?<(yiv GOT to be jokin!) and 'Pandy', (who waz booked in the forst half for a blatent dive in the penalty area!), stormed off doon the players tunnel in a huff after hoyin' hiz red shirt away, never to be seen again!< (NOT on April Fools Day, anyway!)


Toon team: Krul, Simpson, Williamson, Perch, Gutierrez (Gosling 65), Tiote, Cabaye, Ben Arfa (Santon 90), Cisse (Shola Ameobi 74), Ba

Attendance: 52,363 (3,000 plus 'You'll never walk aloneites'!) 

The table az it stands @ '9:50pm bells' Monday

1 Cockney Glory Hunters of Salford---played 31---points 76---Champions League

2 Blue Moonies 31/71---Champions League

3 The Arse 31/58---Champions League

4 Happy Harrys Hotspors 31/58---Champions League

5 Kings Road OAP's 31/53---Europa League

6 THE TOON 31/53---Europa League, but only if The Liverbirds beat The Toffee Noses in the FA Cup semis. If they dont then 6th place wont be good enough!

7 The Toffee Noses 31/43---Europa League, but only IF they reach the FA Cup final

8 The Liverbirds 31/42---Europa League qualification through League Cup success
     

THE TOON v THE LIVERBIRDS---TODAY!

Posted '8:45am bells' April Fools Day 2012

THE LEAZES END

This afternoon @ 1:30 bells' we take on The Liverbirds @ St James' Park<(and aalways will be) in a vital game for European qualification.
Shud we win then we will gan ELEVEN points clear of them and gan equal again with Chelski and just TWO points behind Spors who are in fourth place! (for the time bein' at least!)

This iz the forst time that 'Cringin Kenny' will be back az manager since he departed us in 1998 and of course it'z aalso the retorn of 'Andy Pandy', 'The Poison Dwarf' and Jose Enrique, who said orlier this season that we would NEVER AGAIN be in the top six with wor current policy! (scroll doon page to table!)
It won't be an easy game of course az 'The Mickeymousers' aalways seem to 'up their game' when they play US!
(Lets hope it's THEM! and NOT US! who are 'The April Fools'!)

'The Geordie Times' 100 Pub Crawl Challenge starts of @ 'The Hancock' today before the match, which will take wor total to NINETY TWO boozers this season so far and we hope to have the total up to NINETY FIVE before the end of April Fools Day!

Match/'100 pub' report az ever to follow much later!