A DOUBLE HEADER TODAY!---SMB U18s v THE TOON U18s---Then!---DUNSTON v BETHNAL GREEN in 'THE VASE'!

Posted '9:30am bells' Saturday 18th February 2012

"THE PIES ARE CANNY!---LIKE!"

The repercussions of wor disastrous FA Cup defeat at Brighton three weeks ago are startin' to bite, az it means that the forst team have a blank weekend, due to non participation in the competition.

HOWEVER!----az aalways there iz 'light at the end of the tunnel', for it gives us the opportunity to watch the Toon's U18s in action against their SMB coonterparts @ 'The Academy of "Ssshhhh!---ye na wot!?" in Cleadon this mornin' and 'clock up' another new groond and then we can move on to Dunston Fed @ '3 bells' for their important FA Vase 5th roond cup tie against
Bethnal Green United of 'eeest Landan', home of course to to imfamous Kray Twin gangsters who ruled this part of 'the smoke' back in the 1960's.

Now known az Dunston UTS after their sponsors, 'The Fed' (or 'The Bad Blue Boys', coz they play in aall blue!) are hopin' to get through to the next roond, where a tie away to Peterborough Northern Star or Tiverdale (wherever that iz?) awaits them in the qwaata finals and the 'carrot' of a trip to Wembley for the final in May.
It's six quid to get in for big kids and half price for sprogs and zimmerframites and a crowd of  700 to 1,000 or so is antisipated!---so get there orly, az it's anly a smaall groond!
(Near to the Metro Centre just off the A1 Western Bypass)


Whitley Bay (City Rollers) are aalso in action in The Vase and they have a home tie against West Auckland while 'The Pit Yaakers' of Ashington are away to Shortwood.

Get yerselz alang to one of these games and support one of your local teams!

IT HAD TO HAPPEN!---DIDN'T IT!?

Posted 7:00pm bells' Friday 17th February 2012

A new sign haz just been 'erected' @ St James' Park to replace the old one which waz desecrated yesterday! 

DESECRATION OF SOULS!

Posted '5:00pm bells' Friday 17th February 2012

The front page heedline in tooneets 'Ronny Gill' sez it aall!!! 

A 'CHILLING' MESSAGE FROM 'THE FAT CONTROLLER'!

Posted just before 'high noon bells' Friday 17th February 2012

"IT'S  MY  TRAIN  SET  AND  I'LL DO  WHAT  I  F*****'  LIKE!"       
                                (see below!)

ST JAMES' DESECRATION!---16th FEBRUARY 2012

ST JAMES' PARK HAZ JUST BEEN DESECRATED TODAY!!!

THERE'S NOTHIN' MORE TO SAY REALLY!!!---IZ THERE???

MORE BAD NEWS FOR NUFC GROUNDHOPPERS!--------WACKO JACKO LOCKOOT!

Posted '4:10pm bells' Thorsday 16th February 2012

"WE COULD AALWAYS CLIMB THE FENCE!"

Wor forthcomin' resorve game against Fulham resorves @ Motspur Park, London, which waz due to be open to the public iz now bein' played behind closed doors on April 3rd @ the same venue!

We had intended to de 'this one', az it iz a 'proper groond' with stands and terracin' and we will now have to put 'the feelers oot' to try and get in past security!

The away game against Liverpool resorve will definateleee have to be 'put on ice', az the day before it's due to be played, we face 'The Arse' in London for a Monday neet forst team fixture and wor 'forced' owerneet stay there, puts 'the scuppers' on us gettin' to Morseyside on time for the '2 bells' start. (this is aalso behind closed doors!)

We 'can but try' to get in NEXT season alang with Everton's trainin' groond, which we didn't make orlier this week! (aalso another lockoot---would yoo believe!)

HIGH NOON DERBY SHOOTOUT!---A COMPLETE SELLOOT TO CLUB MEMBERS!

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 15th February 2012

It haz been revealed that for the forst time ever, a game haz been sold oot to club members only, with no tickets available on general sale to the public for the forthcomin' derby match @ St James' Park.

46,000 Toon fans have club memberships (which includes season ticket holders) and they have snapped up every available ticket for wor high noon shootout against the SMB's at the beginin' of next month. (Members could buy two tickets each for the game)

Wor game against 'The Liverbirds' on April Fools Day iz aalso expected to be a 'members only' selloot with the retorn of 'Andy Pandy' and 'Bell-end the Poison Dwarf' much antisipated!

THE TOFFEE NOSES RESORVES 6 THE TOON RESORVES 3 !

Updated '8:15pm bells Tuesday 14th February 2012

Secret Squirrel informs us that The Toons second string lost 6-3 behind closed door @ Evertons trainin' groond this afternoon.
It was 3-3 at one stage but the home side hit three more before the end to knock us for six for a second successive away game (Man U resorves beat us 6-0 last month!)
The Toons goals were scored by Dan Taylor, Phil Airey and Ryan McGorrigan (just az well we wernt there--like!) (will try and get in next season though!)

SECRET SQUIRREL IZ ALIVE AND KICKIN'!

Posted '5:45am bells' Tuesday 14th February 2012

Today @ 1:00 bells this afternoon 'The Toons' second string take on 'The Toffee Noses' of Everton @ their Finch Farm trainin complex @ Halewood near Liverpool behind 'closed doors'.

Because this fixture could have been caalled off at the last minute because of a frozen pitch and because it iz very difficult to get past security for this game (apparently they divvint even let in close family to watch their kids/bruuvas/etc!) aa decided not to risk it and I am at work instead!

Az it's torned oot aa probably could have got in through a secret contact, but this wasn't certain, so 'work it iz'!

When the game kicks off aa'll be at a bakery not a stones throw from West Brom's groond collectin' a lorry load of bread to bring back to Gatesheed!

Just why clubs like Everton are so secretive and paranoid aboot barrin' fans and not even lettin' in family members coz they are terrified of a bigger club 'pinchin' one of their resorve players, iz beyond me!
Footbaall gets dafter and dafter az the years gan by!
Will just have to try and get in next time we play them!

However!---'The Geordie Times' DOES have a secret reporter at the gane (see photo above!)
Result to follow (when aa get back from West Brom later tooneet!)

THE COCK A DOODLE DOOS 5 THE TOON 0

Posted '7:20 pm bells' Sunday 12th February 2012

BLACK & WHITE CATASTROPHE!

^ WANTED! ^---^DEAD OR ALIVE! ^

The day had started off aall reet az the train crossed 'The King Edward Bridge', with the 'customary' 'openin of the cans' halfway ower The Tyne to bring us 'good fortune'?----And three hours later we arrived @ 'Kings Cross' in good time for openin' time @ 'McGlynns' bar, not too far from the station and there to 'greet us' at the front door of the bar waz a black 'n' white cat which 'meeowed' az we waalked into the bar!----Another good omen or wot???  

After a few 'liquid refreshments' it was time to say goodbye to wor 'lucky' black 'n' white moggy and heed for 'Seven Sisters' in Tottenham and onto 'The Irish Club' just up the road from the train station

There are not many waaterin holes left in this part of 'Landan', mainly due to the fact that many are boarded up or were bornt doon in the riots last summer!
This meant that 'The Irish' was busier than ever and before lang the queues for the bar were thorty yards lang! (ne exaggeration!)

Anyway!--- it was soon time to heed for the tornstiles and the 2,000 or so Toon fans were in 'singin mode' az the game kicked off!
To cut a very lang story short a CATastophic performance @ White Hart Lane foond us 4-0 doon after just half an hour after some horrendous defendin' by 'the aall blacks' defence! (we played in aall black again, just like wor last disasterous visit to 'the smoke' at Fulham last month!) (a 5-2 defeat!)

Goals from Ekotto, Saha (2) and Kranjcar sent us reeeelin' and a cricket score looked on the cards at one stage in 'norf Landan'!

When Spors hit their FOURTH goal aa wished that the nightmare would end and that the ref would blow for full time and that we could aall gan yem!

We somehow managed to get to the break withoot anymore goals against us and 'Happy Harrys Hotspurs' added a fifth midway through the second period when Abebayor struck at the far end from us!

This (thankfully!) was the last of the scorin' and aa was GLAD to get away with 'just'? a 5-0 defeat in 'norf Landan'!

The 'McGlynns' black 'n' white cat proved to be anything BUT! a lucky mascot for us and when aa see that 'scroggy moggy' again on wor next visit doon here, AA'LL F*****' STRANGLE IT!--ne problem!

Another one to forget on another 'capital CATastrophe', ("it waz aall the cats fault!") which meens we have conceded a grand total of TEN GOALS on wor last two visits to 'the smoke'!

Toon team: Krul, Simpson, Williamson, Coloccini, Santon, Obertan (Ferguson 46), Guthrie (Lovenkrands 86), Perch, Gutierrez, Ba, Cisse (Gosling 68)
Attendance: 36,176 (2,000 cataclysmically shell shocked Toon fans!)