THE LIVERBIRDS 3 THE TOON 1

Posted '10:00 am bells' New Years Eve 2011

AT 44 QUID A TICKET--A VIEW NOT! TO DIE FOR!

You just KNEW it wud aall gan wrang when wor manager 'I Beg Your Pardew' said in the 'Ronny Gill', "WE'RE ALSO  ONE OF THE BIG BOYS", comparin' us to the Man U's and Liverpool's of this world and of course it went 'tits up' @ Anfield! 

Haris Vuckic was a suprize inclusion in the Toon's line up at the expense of Leon Best in midfield.

For the forst 20 minutes it was a dull affair with both teams findin' their feet, but then in the 25th minute a 'miracle' happened!----WE SCORED!
Attackin' The Anfield Road End where the Toon fans were housed, Ryan Taylor hoyed a great cross in for Yohan Cabaye to heed on and it looked as though Demba Ba aalso got a touch as the baall flew into the net for wor forst goal here for ower SEVEN YEARS!

It was awkward to see from wor crap vantage point in row 31 in the corner of the stand (see photo) as the sight lines are not very good here, but the stadium annooncer conformed that Demba had got wor goal!---or so we thought? (later to be given as an own goal)

Anyway!--The Toon fans were still celebratin' when just fower minutes later @ 'The Kop End', one of wor three ex players in the Liverbirds side, knaan affectionatally to Toon fans az 'The Poison Dwarf' (NO!--not Andy Pandy!--he's ower six foot taall!) scored the equaliser to dampen wor 'Chris'miss spirit'!
It was one's each at half time

The home side piled on the pressure in the second period and this paid off for them when a dodgy lookin' free kick from 30 yards oot was taken by 'The Poison Dwarf' and his effort deflected off Danny Simpson and into the net to put us behind!

Andy Pandy was gettin' some serious stick from the Toon fans and he responded to this by crashin' a heeder off wor cross bar, but thankfully it rebounded back into play!

It was game ower in the 78th minute when that curse of NUFC Steven Gerrard came off the subs bench and promptly sealed the match for them, with a shot across the box which flew into the corner of Tim Krul's goal!
(he aalways scores against us!)

Neva mind!--there's aalways that easy home game against another "One of the big boys!", Man U next Wednesday!--isn't there!? 
Toon team: Krul, Simpson, Williamson, Coloccini, R Taylor (Santon 46), Obertan (Sammy Ameobi 84), Tiote, Cabaye, Gutierrez, Vuckic (Ben Arfa 65), Ba
Attendance: 44,372 (The Liverbird's lowest of the season, even though the match waz a 'selloot'?)(2,000 Toon fans)


PS: If yoo still cannit work oot just who 'The Poison Dwarf' iz, he once had an altercation with 'Big Al', wor record goal scorer and came off worse!
Does this ring a BELL!?

THE LIVERBIRDS v THE TOON---TONEET!

Updated '10:10 am bells Friday 30th December 2011

"IT'S A LOCKOOT @ ANFIELD!"
(View of The Kop from Venice Street!---spot the gondola!)

We're off to 'Mickey Mouserland' yet again toneet for wor last game of 2011 and are quietlee confident of gettin' a goal at least! (reeed on!)

The good news iz that Luis Suarez, who faces an eight game ban for racial insults iz aalso banned for this one due to leud hand gestures to Fulham fans orlier this month!

The bad news iz!---we havvent even scored a goal here since December 2004!---That's SIXTEEN goals for them and NONE for us! AND! a 'certain' Andy 'yee naa who'? will ne doubt replace Suarez in the Liverbirds attack!

We've (not suprizingly!) sold wor full allocation of anly two thoosand tickets for the Anfield Road lower tier and the game iz a complete selloot!

This TWICE rescheduled game iz live on 'Sky' and kicks off @ '7:45 bells'

Defender Mike Williamson has definatly made a big difference since he made his come back against Bolton and the probable? NUFC team line up iz az follows:
Krul, Simpson, Colocicini, Williamson, R Taylor, Obertan, Tiote, Cabaye, Gutierrez, Ba, Best?  (not sure aboot Ben Arfa, Davide Santon or Dan Gosling, who iz back from suspension?) (wait and see!)

We are leavin' at dinnertime in 'The Batmobile' and shud be in 'The Clock' dive bar just doon the road from Everton's groond at aroond 'fower bells'!? (That's if it hazzent been 'boarded up' since the last time we were here!)

Az usual, match report to follow much later when we get back! (sometime on News Years Eve!?)
Remember!---The Geordie Times will bring yoo the news, second hand,forst!

BELIEVE IT!---OR NOT!

Posted '3;30 pm bells' Thorsday 29th December 2011

THE BACK PAGE OF TONEETS 'RONNY GILL'

We are aboot to lose wor top goalscorer Demba Ba who will be on African Nations Cup duty for TWO MONTHS.
Demba has scored 14 of wor 25 leegue goals this season and so it's evidently obvious that we need a proven striker to replace him while he's away.

In November on Radio Newcastle, and in response to this, wor 'beloved'? MD 'Llambs To The Slaughter' said!: (and I quote!)
"We have had an exeptional year!---We need to bring in a STRIKER in January!"

In todays 'Ronny Gill', manager, 'I Beg Your Pardew' said!: (and I quote!)
"We do lose Demba for two months, but to try and get a striker late in the day now, after Maiga has fallen down (the striker we were after) would be "RECKLESS!"
"I don't think there's as much calling for a striker as there was last year!" (how come there was in November then?)

Instead Pardew reiterated that his first priority once the transfer window opens is a---DEFENDER! as Steven Taylor is out for the rest of the season! ("Er!"--why divvint we sign a defender AND a STRIKER az well then???----(we still have the £35million from the sale of Andy Pandy, plus season ticket money etc!)  

Conclusion:
The club say one thing one moment and then conveniently!---they completely forget wot they've said in their next statement a month later!
They must aall have, or think that WE must aall have!---Alzheimer's!!??

Now?--wot did I say again?, a moment ago????

A BAD CASE OF FOOT AND MOUTH!

Posted '9:30 am bells' Thorsday 29th December 2011

An angry Owen Coyle, the beleagered Bolton boss came oot with a brilliant quote in hiz post match press conference on Boxin' Day after their 2-0 defeat against The Toon.

Quote:
"When you shoot youself in the foot as we did, it leaves a bad taste in the MOUTH!" 

There's ne answer to that one!---iz there???

SEVEN HEAVEN!

Posted '11:10 am bells' Wednesday 28th December 2011

The Cris'miss games have aall been played nuw in the Premya Leegue and the good news iz that whatever happens on Friday neet at Liverpool we cannot gan into the new year any lower than seventh place in the table!

Indeed! shud we actually beat 'The Liverbirds' then we will gan above them in the leegue and shud 'The Arse' lose az well, we will be equal fifth with them at the torn of the year!
Who wud ever of thought that in August!?


PREMYA LEEGUE TABLE (top 8 @ 28/12/11)

1 Blue Moonies--45 points
2 Cockney Reds--45
3 Sporz------------38
4 Chelski OAP's--34
5 The Arse--------33
6 Liverbirds-------31
7 THE TOON----30
8 Pulis P*ss Pots-25

FOR THE BENEFIT OF GEORDIE EXILES!

Updated '10:30 pm bells' Tuesday 27th December 2011

BEN ARFA (CENTRE OF PICTURE IN BLACK) SCORES
 THE TOON'S FORST GOAL

For the benefit of wor owerseas reeeders, a'v put the goals online from the Bolton game yesterday,  as well az the heedline news on the back page of  Tuesday neets 'Ronny Gill'

AZ THE PICTURE CAPTION CLEARLY STATES---
DEMBA BA (LYIN' JUST INSIDE 6 YARD BOX) GET'S
THE TOON'S SECOND GOAL

In the last day alone 'The Geordie Times' haz had 18 hits from both the Philippines and wor old friends in the USA and 9 hits from Singapore az well az hits from Greece, India, The Republic of Ireland, Australia, Malta and France amongst others, plus of course the many Geordie exiles in aall corners of the UK!

ALAN SHEARER PRAISES THE 5,000 TOON FANS

Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year to yoo aall!

THE BACK PAGE OF TONEETS 'RONNY GILL'---
BEN ARFA THANKS THE TOON FANS
FOR THEIR SUPPORT FOR HIM


COPYRIGHT WARNING!
'The Geordie Times' iz unda strict copyright and az yoo can clearly see, the BBC haz nicked some of wor material WITHOOT! permission!-----Wor solicitors 'Gannaway and BoilYiheed' are on the case!

NE WHERE NEAR BOLTON,WANDERERS 0 THE TOON 2

Updated '12:30 pm bells' Tuesday 27th December 2011

BOXIN' CLEVER!

THE MOMENTS JUST BEFORE BEN ARFA'S GOAL! 

The 23 year old 'curse' of not winnin' an away game on Boxin' Day iz ower at last!

Playin' in wor 'AALL BLACKS' away strip, a dour forst half ended goalless and if I were an armchair viewer of this utter garbage I wud have been pressin' the 'OFF' button on the remote control!

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"FROM THE DEPTH'S OF DISPAIR!" (end of 1st half!)


However!---the second period torned oot to be much better and the deadlock was finally broken halfway through the half when 'super sub' Ben Arfa blasted a great left footer home in front of the delirious Toon faithful after a great cross from Ryan Taylor.
We were still celebratin' that goal when just two minutes later we doubled wor lead when Demba Ba (who else!?) poked the baall into the top corner of the net, givin' Bolton goalie (deep breath!) Jussie Jaaskelainen! ne chance.

Wanderers didn't have an answer to this and they went doon to their EIGHTH home defeat oot of nine, but more importantleee, wor 'Xmas curse' was well and truely lifted!

"TO UNBRIDLED JOY!" (end of 2nd half!)

Toon team:
Krul, Simpson, Colloccini, Williamson, R Taylor, Obertan(Shola Ameobi 85), Tiote, Cabaye (Perch 88), Gutierrez, Ba, Best (Ben Arfa 61)
Attendance:26,080 (Bolton's highest of season) (5,000 relieved Toon fans!)
(Some papers give the Toon followin' az 4,000, but there were at least 1,000 in the Bolton sections)

"Liverpool!---Liverpool!--- here we come!" (Friday!)


BOLTON--"Er!"--'HORWICH PUB CRAWL CHALLENGE' REPORT!

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THE FORST 'WAATERIN HOLE' ON WOR HORWICH PUB CRAWL CHALLENGE LIST!


We arrived in good time at wor 'local', namely 'The Bromilow Arms' which iz a good qwaata of an hours waalk from the groond in Horwich, (we come here every year!) and unusually at twenty past eleven the bar was completly empty!
This was because it had apparently been shut for 8 months and had just re-opened and the assumption was that the Wanderers fans didn' t naa this and had went somewhere else for a 'gargel' after their SIX mile trek from Bolton! (hence the name 'Ne Where Near Bolton', Wanderers!)

Drastic plastic glasses were the order of the day and when aa complained aboot this to the 'santa clad barmaid', that in previous years it had been 'propa' glasses, she telt iz that it was on 'police orders'! (and a merry Xmas to the Lancashire Dibbles!) (not!)

Az there iz ne where else to gan coz most of the few pubs in the area are  for 'home fans only' we had ne choice but to 'grin and bear it' for the next three hours, where a gallon of John Smith's was consumed! (for medicinal porposes yoo understand!

THE LAST 'WAATERIN HOLE ON WOR HORWICH PUB CRAWL CHALLENGE LIST!

It makes yoo glad that the Toon is 'blessed' with pubs with 'glass' glasses and away fans are welcome anywhere! ("Er!"---apart from SMB's ---like!)

It was then time to heed for the match! (see report above)

'NE WHERE NEAR BOLTON', WANDERERS v THE TOON---BOXIN' DAY!

Posted '7:30 am bells' Boxin' Day 2011

"THEN!"---"SPOT THE STEAM TRAIN!"

Today we travel to the village of Horwich to watch The Toon against Bolton who moved here from their old toon centre groond in 1997
The Reebok iz actually closer to Wigan toon centre than Bolton toon centre, which iz some six miles distant to the south! (hence the name 'Ne Where Near Bolton' Wanderers!)

The above photo iz a brilliant nostalgic one from the 1950's when they played at Burnden Park and shows a steam train at the appropriateleee named 'Railway Embankment End' where the visitin' fans used to be housed.
On my forst visit there in 1976 for an FA Cup 5th roond match, some 15,000 Toon fans were packed onto the open standin' terrace 'like sardines' and mee overidin' memory iz of 'Supermac' scorin' two fantastic goals in a 3-3 thriller!

"AND NOW!"---"SPOT THE FORD FOCUS!"

We've got 4,000 @ The Reebok today! and the probable team line ups are as follows for the '3 bells' start.

We leave in an hours time @ '8:30 bells' in 'The Caped Crusaders' 'Batmobile' and hopefully we will have some 'Christmas cheer' to celebrate in 'The Geordie Times' match report later on toneet!?
WATCH THIS SPACE!

GROUND NUMBER 015 (NOT!) LEEDS AWAY BOXIN' DAY 1970

Ground Zero!
Date of first visit: Boxin' Day 1970!
Elland Road, Leeds (not!) (would have been groond number 15 if a'd actually seen the match!)

Leeds United 3
Newcastle United 0

(Old) Division 1
Attendance: 46,758 (includin' ME and a few others who were 'carted off' to hospital before the match!)


"WELCOME TO ST JAMES'----HOSPITAL!"

It's takin me 41 years to write this, az Elland Road iz a nightmare groond az far az a'm concorned, mainly due to the fact that aalthough aa was in the groond TWO HOURS before the kick off aall those years ago, aa never actually saw the match!---lerriz explain!

Mee memoreez a bit faded nuw through the passage of time, but a'v been reliably informed by an old mate Dylan, that the bus left Scarfell Gardens in Lobley Hill full to the brim with 'Lobleyhillbillies' and full to the brim with drink, even though most of us were underage on this ill fated Boxin' Day outin' to Yorkshire (me and Dylan were sixteen at the time----we're nearly SIXTY! now!)

The bus was an aad wreck and was aboot forty years old as we set off doon the old 'A1' towards Leeds. On arrival we parked up near 'The Tama Shanter' pub in the city centre and (literally!) fell off the busand into the bar!

The intention was to 'take' 'The Geldherd End' which was the notorious Leeds 'hard end' and after a few 'liquid refreshments' to 'get us in the mood' we heeded for the groond with otha Toon fans who we met off the train @ '12:30 bells' and by one 'o' clock aroond aboot 300 of us had took up wor places reet in the middle of 'The Geldherd'.

Not suprizingly there were ne Leeds fans there at this time and we sang the old 'Leazes End boot boy songs' to pass the time as there was still nearly two hours to kick off.

Then it aall 'kicked off'---NOT the match I may add, but the fightin', as within half an hour of us infiltratin' 'their end' the Leeds 'nutters' torned up and in a 'pincer movement' from both sides they suddenly charged at us causin' mayhem as they ootnumbered us by at least 'three to one' and we 'scattered doon the terraces'!

 People were gettin' 'a good bootin' just behind me and in the crush aa got mee left leg stuck behind a metal crash barrier, and then!----aall of a sudden mee leg bent roond the barrier and the barrier collapsed breakin' mee leg between me knee and mee ankle (it still makes me 'wince' today, thinkin' aboot it!)
Mee leg was numb and aa even tried to stand up on it, but it gave way and aa collapsed in agony on the terraces! Alang with a few otha Toon fans aa was 'carted off' on a stretcher to an ambulance which took me to ST JAMES' HOSPITAL in Leeds, of aall places! where a full length plaster cast was put on mee leg after aa was 'knocked oot' with anaesthetic!

aa missed the match of course, which we lost 3-0! and the next day mee faatha and uncle Norman came doon in his 'jam jar' to take me yem and this remains the ANLY groond that a'v actually been to and NOT seen the match!

I was an apprentice sign maker with 'Pearce Signs' on the Team Valley at the time and when the plaster finally came off after SIX MONTHS! (it was a very bad break!) aa went back to work but was 'paid off' because a'd missed so much trainin' and was telt by mee gaffer that oot of the three apprentices who had been taken on, I, unfortunatally was 'gettin the bullet' coz work was a bit slack!

The next game after mee leg break was against Ipswich at home in the FA Cup and mee dad managed to gerriz a ticket for the old 'West Stand' an' aa sat there in an aisle seat with mee full length plaster as aa watched us win 1-0.
For the rest of the season aa stood in the old 'Leazes End' on crutches and aa never missed a game! (how daft iz that!?)

It wasn't until 'the Hillsborough disaster' nineteen years later, when aall those Liverpool fans were seriously injured or crushed to death that aa realised when the crush barriers collapsed, that aa realised just how lucky aa actually was not to suffer the same fate!

The wreck of a bus, incedently, broke doon on the way back from Leeds and they had to get oot and give it a push as the driver tried to 'bumb start' it!---they JUST! made it back!---unlike me of course!

'Fink' (the mad-sad groundhopper!)

Footnote:
'Pearce Signs' who aa'd lost mee job with, made the new 'Newcastle United' sign for the main entrance of the rebuilt West Stand in 1988!
("If only!")   

EUROPEAN & WORLD AVERAGE GATES 2011-2012 (TOP 20)

Updated '8:30 pm bells' Friday 23rd December 2011

The Geordie Times haz been workin' feverishly to bring yoo the latest average gates from Europe and aroond the world.
Az Europe haz the top 20 crowds anyway, this meenz that they aalso have the top 20 crowds in the world az well! (believe it or not!)
The Toon have moved up FOWER! places in the
latest list from 16th to12th position in the world, thankx mainly to the fact that wor last 4 crowds have topped the 50,000 mark.
(Up to and includin' 22nd  December  2011)


1 Barcelona--------84,000
2 B Dortmund-----80,365
3 Man U------------75,524
4 Real Madrid-----72,271
5 B Munich--------61,333
6 The Arse---------59,981
7 Stuttgart----------57,047
8 Schalke 04-------54,140
9 Hertha Berlin----53,221
10 Ajax-------------50,934
11 Celtic------------49,372
12 THE TOON---48,484
13 Man City--------47,000
14 Koln-------------46,556
15 Hamburg--------46,418
16 Rangers---------46,048
17 Hannover-------45,748
18 Borrusia M-----45,129
19 Liverpool-------44,970
20 Inter Milan-----44,625


Country by country
 
  1 Jawmany------9  clubs in top 20
  2 England-------5
=3 Spain----------2
=3 Scotland------2 
= 5 Italy-----------1
= 5 Holland-------1

"WHEY AYE MAAN!"

Footnote: Special thanx to wor friend from 'The Mars Branch', who took the stunnin' photo of the planet Earth last month on hiz mobile phone camera az he retorned yem in hiz flyin' saucer from a recent home game!