"JESUS LOVES US!"😊

Posted '9:30pm bells' Munday 4th Joon 2018

MARTIN'S A MAG!

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 31st May 2018

Az per usual 'The Geordie Times' iz one day behind with the news, but we are delighted to tell yoo that Sparta Prague's on loan Slovakian international goalie,29 year old Martin Dubravka, haz signed a 4 year deal, reported to be in the region of £5 million quid!

We can anly assume that he haz signed because 'Rafa the Gaffer' haz had assurances aboot hiz future from NUFC!

The forst signin' of many we hope!?

Today's 'Ronny-Gill'!

"A RIGHT PROPER 'CHARLIE'!"

Posted '3:15pm bells' Wednesday 30th May 2018

"Honest---I've supported sund'lind since I was 3!"

 .

sund'lind's new executive director (whatevaa that meenz!?) caalled 'Charlie' haz said that he haz aalways thought that NUFC were an arrogant club who seem to think they are special!
This 'right Charlie' says he aalways had a fondness and soft spot towards the SMBs, leadin to him havin antipathy towards NUFC
(He would say that---wouldnt he!?)

He's an OXFAAD UNITED FAN and woz born there, so it seems very strange that he haz a soft spot for a club 300 miles north!

Wot he iz tryin to say iz: "I'm one of yoo and I hate 'The Mags', just like you!"
Wot utter garbage!---but will the mackems be taken in by aall this cr*p and buy their season tickets because of wot he haz said! (Lower bowl tickets only available!)

Accordin to the Oxfaad- Inglish dictionary (very appropriate az thats where he's from!) it says that the word 'arrogant' meenz , 'superior' and 'mocking'! (az if we would!)

"Er!"---"Mebeez he's right after aall!"☺😊😀😁😂😃😄😆

PS: Accordin' to the said dictionary, 'antipathy' meenz 'dislike', 'hatred' and 'loathing', while 'a Charlie' meenz, 'stupid fool', 'baffoon' and 'clown'!

100% right again!

Footnote:
In an interview on Radio Newcasil (thats reet, Radio NEWCASIL!) 'charlie' said that the Oxfaad v Swindon derby woz just az 'intense' az the Tyne/wear derby!!!
A 'right charlie' for certain!!!😨

(Educated at Oxfaad Univorsity and Eton, and speakin' with a 'posh voice', charlie iz obviously on the 'same wave length' az the mackems who come from witherwack and pennywell!---"Thi naaaz!")

NUFC PRE SEASON FIXTURES 2018-2019*** LATEST NEWS!

Posted '1:40pm bells' Munday 21st July "er!" May 2018
Updated 'high noon bells' Friday 25th May 2018
Updated '3:40pm bells' Tuesday 29th May 2018

TRUNGLE PARK, MOUSEHOLE FC

"WHEN THE CAT'S AWAY, THE MICE WILL PLAY!"

News reaches 'The Geordie Times' that some pre season friendlies are in the pipeline!

Forst of aall wor U23s squad are due to play in a tournament in deepest Cornwall at a ridiculously named place caalled Mousehole (prenoonced 'Mowsall')

It's a 4 team tournament with 'uddersfield, Bolton, and Mousehole FC the othaa participants in 'The Endorsed Cup'

TRUNGLE PARK, MOUSEHOLE FC
(ON A NON MATCH DAY!)

The tournament will take place at Trungle Park, the home groond of Mousehole FC on Friday July 20th and Saturday 21st July.
Wor forst game will be against 'Ne Where Near' Bolton (their groond iz 6 miles to the north of Bolton!) on the Friday and will kick off immediatly after Mousehole's game v 'uddersfield, which kicks off at '5:30 bells'

The 2 losers will then play each othaa on the Saturday at '1:00 bells', followed by the final between the 2 winners at '4:00 bells'

Mousehole iz near Penzance and iz just 10 miles from Land's End and iz the MOST SOUTHERLY futbaall groond in Ing-er-land!
(Provided the games don't 'clash' with forst team games, 'The Geordie Times' will be there!----We've done the most northerly groond in Ing-er-land, quite a few times, which iz Scottish Leegue side Berwick Rangers'z Shielfield Park abode!)

Aalso, despite still not knowin' if Rafa will still be here, there are fixtures in the Republic of Ireland v Dublin side St. Patricks Athletic az NUFC are gannin on their annual trainin' camp in Maynooth near Dublin at the beginning of July---there iz no date yet for this match! (Probably in the forst week of July!)

RICHMOND PARK, ST. PATRICKS ATHLETIC FC

There are aalso rumours of games v Celtic and Oporto of Portugal, but we have ne idea if they will be home or away games!

Updated Tuesday 29th May

"STOP PRESS!---STOP PRESS!"
Wor secret club 'mole' tells us that wor U23s are to play Rangers U23s at Rangers trainin' groond on the ootskirts of Glasgow on Munday 30th July @ '2 bells'!---Yoo hord it forst in 'The Geordie Times'!

We will of course, keep yoo---wor loyal and faithful reeeders, posted of any more forthcomin' pre season fixture news az it happens! 

WILL ST.JAMES' PARK BE ON 'THE MENU' FOR THE SMBs? OR WILL THEY BE SENT TO COVENTRY?

Posted 10:00am bells Munday 28th May 2018

The othaa SJP!

There iz just one more play off place left at Wembley this afternooon, when Exitaa City take on favorites Coventree City @ '3:00 bells' in the Leegue 2 play off final!

We reeely wud like Exitaa to win az the mackems can then look forward to a trip to St. James' Park next season!----That's St. James' Park, EXITAA!, by the way!☺😊😀😁😂😃😄

Updated '9:02 pm bells'

Coventry won 3-1 which meeenz that the mackems WILL be sent to Coventry next season! (AND Shrewsbury Toon, who lost in the Leegue 1 play off final!😅)

"WOT GANS AROOND ----!"

Posted '8:45pm bells' Saturday 26th May 2018

"WEMBLEY WAIL!"

FOR 'SOB ON THE TYNE' read 'WEMBLEY WAIL!'😤
"WOT GANS AROOND COMES AROOND!"😅

Explanation: In 2009 NUFC were relegated at Villa Park and to rub salt into the wounds the Villa fans mocked us and hung banners from The Holte End of their groond which said
'SOB ON THE TYNE' and 'WHO'S YOUR NEXT MESSIAH--ANT OR DEC?'

They repeated this in 2016 when we (alang with them!) were virtually relegated at their place again!

Up until 2009 we had no 'history' of animosity against them, but their decision to "take the p*ss" oot of us that day in 2009 in particular, changed aall that!

Aall Toon fans were rootin' for Fulim yesterday in the Play off final at Wembley, for the right to win promotion back to the 'big time' of the Premyaa Leegue!
And to wor delight, Fulim won 1-0 to keep 'Broken Nose Bruce' and  'The HAZBEENS and Villans' in 'The Championship'!

"WHO'S YOUR NEXT MESSIAH!"

"JASPER CARROTT?"

Like we said, when the mackems laughed at us when we were relegated, (by flyin a plane ower SJP with an attached banner, mockin us), we have now got wor own back on them az well, when they were relegated to Leegue 1 by Borton Albion in April!

Aaltogether now! (To both sets of fans!)
"YOO LAUGHED AT US WHEN WE WENT DOWN!---
BUT WHO THE F*** IZ LAUGHIN' NOW!?"

Remember!
"WOT GANS AROOND-COMES AROOND!!!" ☺😊😀😁😂😃😄

CHAMPIONSHIP AND CHAMPIONS LEEGUE FINALS TODAY

Posted '2:20pm bells' Saturday 26th May 2018

The play off final takes place today between The Hazbeenz and Villans and Fulim at Wembley!
We reeely would like Fulim to win after Villa fans twice mocked us when we were relegated in 2009 and 2016 with their 'SOB ON THE TYNE' and 'WHO'S YOUR NEXT MESSIAH---ANT OR DEC?' banners in The Holte End of Villa Park!
Aalso we would aalso like wor loan signin' 'Mitro' to score the winnin' goal---thank yoo very much!

Az for the Champions Leegue final later tooneet, we reeely feel for the Liverbirds fans who's flights were cancelled to Kiev at the last minute and who will miss the game v Real Madrid!

It nearly happened to us in 2004 when an air traffic control strike meant that wor flight to Athens to watch NUFC v Panionios in the Inter Toto Cup waz delayed and we didnt get in til half time!
It waz a close caall but we made it eventually!

We cant imagine wot it wud be like to MISS a cup final after forkin oot £2,000!
Hope the mickey mousers win that one, just for the look on Ronaldo's face!

WEARSIDE JACK!***AND SAMSON THE CAT!

Posted '2:53pm bells' Friday 25th May 2018

sund'lind's new manager!---forst excluuusive picture!---

yoo saw and read it forst in The Geordie Times'!

"CATaclysmic events on wearside!"

Sensational news reaches 'The Geordie Times' that the mackem's new owner 'Donald the Duck Egg' haz appointed a new manager to take ower from 'Sir' Chris Coleman!
He iz the former St Mirren manager and haz aalready been dubbed 'WEARSIDE JACK'! by Toon fans!

The SMBs have aalso appointed a new MD, who iz the clubs mascot 'SAMSON THE CAT'!!!
(I KID YOO NOT!)

"YI COULDNT POSSIBLY MAKE IT UP!"

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A GEORDIE IN KIEV??

Posted '2:30pm bells' Thorsday 24th May 2018

'The Liverbirds' play in The Champions Leegue final in Kiev v Real Madrid on Saturday neet and one of Liverpool's players iz jordan henderson, who used to play for the mackems and woz born and 'in-bred' there!
However!---He abandoned 'the sinkin' ship' 'many moons ago' and heeded for Morseyside instead! (Hardly a mackem hero!---"eh!")

Some brain dead mackem haz put a photo of him on WhatsApp sayin' that he is 'one of their own', with the caption:
'Have you ever seen a Geordie IN KIEV??'  'FTM'
(FTM stands for Fool, Tosser and Muppet!)


Well!---actually 'jake'!---yoo 'jerk'!
See Geordie Times'z NUFC archive match report from ground 158 in 1997, in the article below!

158 olympic/respublikansky stadion kiev

(GROUND NUMBER 158)

Date of First Visit: 1st OCTOBER 1997

OLYMPIC/RESPUBLIKANSKY STADION, KIEV

UKRAINE

DINAMO KIEV 2 

NEWCASTLE UNITED 2 (John Beresford 2)

U.E.F.A. CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

ATTENDANCE 100,000  (400 Toon fans, plus ME in the Kiev End!)

"KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN KIEV!"

"SPOT THE FLOODLIGHT BULBS!"

The club had organised a day trip tih the Ukrainian capital for the princely sum of aroond aboot £320!.

‘The Caped Crusader’ (as usual!) was panickin' because he does'nt like travellin' on the day of the match in case somethin' gans wrang like delays by fog or bad weather for example and AH was panickin' (as usual!) coz the flight took fower hours.

(As far as a'm concerned, that's fower hours for sommik tih gan wrang, like the propellers faallin off or the engine blaa'in up!)

So it was a nervous duo who entered Newcastle Airport that mornin'! tih check in for wor 'said' 'day trip!'.

Needless tih say!, the flight torned oot tih be uneventful and we arrived at Kiev airport in one piece AND on time!.

The anly problem was that it took another two f***** hours tih get through customs, as the local 'secret police' double checked wor visas and passports.

The one that checked mine (a little c*** in a big hat!) just gave iz one of those:

'YOU LOOK LIKE AN AMERICAN SECRET AGENT TO ME', looks!, and aa half expected tih be 'carted off' tih the nearest Siberian salt mine for ten years hard labour!.

After aboot two minutes and a word in the 'shell like' of a fellow 'comrade' he finally gave iz the 'aall clear' and lerriz through, much tih my relief! as ah did'nt care too much for a 'boiled grass 'n' sheeps eyes soup' diet!, in a concentration camp tih see iz intih the new millennium!.

(Boiled grass waz the staple diet of Siberian Concentration camps az there waz ne taste to it!)

The city of Kiev torned oot tih be just as bleak as the airport reception and as yi'd expect it was f***** freezin' caad. A road sweeper with an improvised brush made of twigs was sweepin’ the autumn leaves  up into a heap and settin’ them on fire in the middle of the road!

The thing that struck me the most though, were the amoont of beggars on the streets and one fat roond faced woman in particular near a subway station, waz dressed in rags with a shawl aroond hor heed and she waz holdin’ a baaby under hor left  arm, with a beggin’ bowl in hor right hand and sayin’ sommik in Russian, which, (usin’ my vast knowledge of international languages!)---(Er!-fluent Geordie & broken English!)  aa deciphered to be----“HAVE YI GOT ANY SPARE BIT, HINNY!?”

Most of the few cars were the standard 'Trabent rust buckets', the busses looked like the ones yi’d normally see in a scrapyard and nearly aall  the locals were waalkin' aboot in Cossack style hats 'n' shabby sheepskin coats. (most of which looked aboot twenty years aad!)

The amazin' thing when wih went on the 'hoy' was that there were quite a few cafe style bars with customers sittin' oot in the open with the temperature bearly above freezin' point.

(Definitely another place that yih could send yih mother 'n' law for hor summer holidays!)

As wih waalked the streets wih came across the Ukranian equivelent of 'Kentucky Fried Chicken' with the logo of the gadgie in specs and white beard on the front! and what I assume was K.F.C. written in Russian? (sommik like! Ω ±∑ !)

There were massive queues tih get in and it was hardly surprizin' as the rest of the scran shops looked a bit 'dodgy' tih say the least. We were 'Hank Marvin' by nuw, so wih (wisely!) decided tih get some 'Desperate Dan' there before headin' for the stadium which was in the city centre.

In a boozer near the 100,000 capacity stadium we bumped into ‘Bill Quay Kev’ who waz sittin’ at a table with a very large vodka in front of him!

“IT’S BEAUTIFUL ‘FINK’---BEAUTIFUL!”, he said to me, slurrin’ hiz words az he stared at the FULL pint glass! (I kid yoo not!)

“THERE’S NE OPTIC MEASURES HERE!”---“THEY JUST POUR IT FROM THE BOTTLE!”, he added az he gulped some more doon hiz ‘Gregory Peck’!

Anotha trip to the bar for Kev saw the barman pour him anotha vodka cocktail and indeed he did pour aboot half a pint of the stuff into the glass before addin’ some coke and ice!

After a few BEERS with Kev (there waz NE WAY aa waz gannih be ‘comotosed’ like him before the game!) we said wor goodbyes az he sat at the table lookin’ absoluteleee ‘cattle trucked’ with the drink!

Then a while later and half an hour before kick off, aa lost the rest of the lads in the crowds outside and had to mek mee aan way to the huge stadium, which had fower massive floodlights with aboot a hundred bulbs in each one! and aall the tornstile entrance signs were in Russian!, which of course aa couldn’t understand!

To be honest aa was a bit p*st meesel and with time getting’ on aa panicked that aa would miss the start and just went with the flo of the crowd to the nearest entrance.

A gadgie mumbled sommik in Russian and tore the ticket stub off and aa waz in the ground.

There were ne tool sheds az such and if yi wanted a ‘gypsies’ yi had ti gan behind some trees on the concourse to get a slash!

Hundreds were standin’ there in a row with their w*llies hangin’ oot, az ‘the secret police dibbles’ looked on! (f**kin’ perverts!)

It waz then onto the steep terraces where broken wooden benches aligned them az far az the eye could see!---Aa looked to see if aa could get to the ‘Toon End’ of the stadium but aa waz on the highest level and the pocket of Toon fans were below in a paddock on the opposite side of the pitch, which waz impossible to get te from where aa waz!

Aa thought aboot askin one of the ‘secret police dibbles’ who were smokin’ tabs in the alleyways, if aa could get to the Toon section, but had second thoughts az they MIGHT just hoy me oot instead and a’d miss the match!---so aa stayed put and kept ‘dumb’ and plonked meesel doon on one of the broken benches with 99,600 screamin’ Ukrainians in every direction aroond iz! (help!)

Many fans were drinkin’ beer in their seats which they’d bought from the kiosks in the concourses---a strange sight which of course isn’t allowed back home!

Just before the match kicked off an ugly woman with a wart on the end of hor nose and wearin’ a heedscarf , came up to me and looked at the seat and said sommik in Russian to me. Thinkin’ she waz tellin’ me that aa waz sittin’ in hor seat aa said sommik in gibberish so az not to give the game away and just shrugged mee shoulders, az she looked on in puzzlement!

She than waalked off cursin’ sommik under hor breath and (thankfully!) went somewhere else!---Phew!---it waz a close caall—but a’d gettin’ away with it!

The game kick off and Kiev started off the brightest and took the lead after just fower minutes when Shay Given waz beaten by Redrov to put the home side one up!

This resulted in the entire crowd jumpin’ up and celebratin’ wildly!---apart from me!---Who just stood there with arms folded, hopin’ that nebody would ‘suss me oot’!?

At aboot the midpoint of the half it waz 2-0 to Kiev when a mistake by Darren Peackock let in Shevchenko who fired in from a tight angle. (More celebrations from the locals and more arm foldin’ from me!)

We picked up the pace a bit in the second half and then with just 12 minutes to gan when a weak shot from John Beresford went through the legs of the Kiev keeper to give us hope of a comeback!

Again aa stood with arms folded, but under baited breath aa was sayin’---“gerrin gerrin!”

And then within seven minutes we were level when ‘savior’ Beresford struck a fine shot which richoshaded off Kiev defender Golovko’s boot and ower the keepers heed to send the small pocket of Toon Army travellers on the other side of the pitch crazy!

Aa tried not to react, but aa had a huge smile on mee face  and then aa got a tap on the shoulder from behind off a Kiev fan who said in broken English---“Yoo Newcastle?”  Aa hesitated for a second but realised a’d ‘been rumbled’----“YES!” aa said sheepishly and unbelieviblee he handed me a pint of beer to drink and shook mee hand!

At last!---“WELCOME TO KIEV!”

But hang on a minute!---wot if he waz a two faced b*****d and had hockled in the beer?

The broon stuff DID look a little too frothy after aall!?---So aa tipped the contents doon a crack in the concrete terraces!--- Aa wasn’t takin’ ANY chances! (hope there waz nebody sittin’ below!???)(ha!-ha!)

A few minutes later the ref blew for full time and we’d got a valuable point to show for it and aa made me way incognito to the nearest exit!

After the match it waz back to a meetin’ point in the main square where we had time for a few ‘liquid refreshments before climbin’ back onto the bus to take us back to Kiev airport and another meetin’ with ‘the secret police dibbles’!

‘Bill Quay Kev’ waz there (Bill Quay iz a village on the banks ‘o’ the Tyne near Pelaw!) and he looked absolutlee knackered with the drink!---“I’M DEVESTATED, FINK!”, he said to me—“AA DIDN’T GET IN ‘TIL HALF TIME AND THEN AA FELL ASLEEP AND MISSED THE MATCH!”---he added az he held his heed in hiz hands! (the demon drink had taken it’s toll!)---

AALL THAT WAY!---TO MISS THE MATCH!!!!

It waz then back on the plane afta anotha two hour or so wait (to let the Toon players ‘jump the queue’ and board their flight yem!) and fower and a half hours later wor ‘day trip to Kiev’ waz complete! 

A memorable day aall roond! (apart from ‘Bill Quay Kev’ that iz!---AALL THAT WAY FOR NOWT!)

Footnote: On mee next visit to Kiev five years later aa actually went in the AWAY END for a change and my claim to fame iz!---a’m the ANLY Toon fan to have been in the Dynamo Kiev HOME AND AWAY END!

It shud aalso be noted that there were NE beggars to be seen on the streets on wor second visit!?---perhaps they were sent to the salt mines!?

©Fink™ (the mad-sad groundhopper!)