THE TOON 2 THE ARSE 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2017-2018

Posted '10:45am bells' Munday 16th April 2018

1st HALF ACTION AZ WE ATTACK THE LEAZES GOAL!

"I 'FINK' WE'LL GIVE 'THE ABYSS' A MISS!"

Anothaa 5 star show from the black n whites ensured that we will be in the top flight again next season with wor 4th win on the bounce!

With safety aalmost assured after wor excellent win at Lestaa last week, wor visitors were oot to spoil the party mood when they took the lead in the 14th minute when Lacazette fired home at The Gallowgate End!

However!  we are made of sterner stuff theeze days and we were soon back on level torms when a pin point pass from Jonjo Shelvey foond Gayle who passed to Yedlin who sent in a porfect cross to Ayoze Perez who in torn rifled the baall into The Arse net from a tight angle to send the crowd wild!

We went in 1-1 at half time and came oot with aall guns blazin' and when Slimani came on in the 63rd minute he added a new dimention to wor attack!  
Within 5 mins of him comin' on we were in front when he heeded a powerful baall to Perez who crossed for 'Matt' Ritchie to slam the baall into the goal for a 'gloss finish' (sic!) at The Gallowgate End to seal an excellent win and ensure we avoid 'the abyss' of Championship futbaall, az we are now too far aheed of the bottom 3!

ACTION AT THE GALLOWGATE END (2nd half)

Indeed, we are breathin' doon the neck of Fat Sam's Everton side in 9th place---and by coincidence we play them next Munday neet at Goodison Park in wor next game!
Shud we win, then we will gan above them and will be in reach of Lestaa in 8th place!

GRANDSON'S ZAC AND JAMIE WATCH ON FROM THE 'DIZZY HEIGHTS'

OF THE MILBURN STAND!

The good times are back thanx to Rafa's export management tactics!---AND!--- we have got the Arsenal 'monkey off wor backs' aftaa losin' the 10 previous meetings with them!

Toon team: Dubravka, Yedlin, Lascelles, Lejeune, Dummett, Ritchie (Murphy 86), Diame, Shelvey, Kenedy, Perez (Joselu 79), Gayle (Slimani 63)

Attendance: 52,210 (3,100 Arse holes!)
(Ne cash tornstiles😊!)

PS: 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' will be on wor travels yet again within the next 2 hours, when we heed for the delights of Wycombe Wanderers Adams Park groond, where wor U23s are (bizarrely!) takin' on Reading U23s in a leegue game!
(A groond we have nevaa been te before!)

A full match report and pix will appear here sometime tomorrow!
Az per usual---"Watch this space!"

ANOTHAA DOUBLE HEEDER COMIN' UP!

Posted '2:47pm bells' Friday 13th April 2018

Followin' on from last weeks 2 games in 2 days at Stocksbridge last Friday for a U23s game (v Sheff U) and last Saturday at Lestaa for a Premyaa Leegue game, this weekend see's 2 more games for wor teams in 2 days!

On Sunday at '1:30 bells' wor forst team take on 'The Arse' @ SJP in a Premyaa Leegue encoontaa, while on Munday evenin' @ '7 bells' wor U23s travel to Adams Park the home of Wycombe Wanderers, where bizzarly we take on 'The Biscuitmen of Reading' in a U23s Leegue game!

Az 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' have nevaa been to Wycombe, we will be settin' off at 'high noon bells' on Munday dinnaatime for the 600 mile roond trip!

Hopefully wor forst team will be virtually safe from relegation by kick off time, followin' the results on Saturday (fingers and toes crossed!)

We have ne idea if Islam Salami will play hiz 2nd game for us, but the way we have been playin' lately, we could beat them withoot him, for the forst time in the last 13 meetings!
(We havent beaten 'The Arse' since 2010 (away) and since 2005 at home!
In total they have won 10 in a row against us and are unbeaten in the last 8 years!

So we are definateleeee! due a win against them and hopefully their trip to Rushaa on Thorsday for their Europa Cup tie, haz taken its toll!

On the plus side for us, we have won the last 3 home games in a row withoot concedin' a goal!

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here on Munday, before we heed to Wycombe!
"IT'S AALL 'GO' AGAIN!"

POINTS NEEDED TO AVOID RELEGATION SEASON BY SEASON

Posted '1:30pm bells Tuesday 10th April 2018

Below iz a list of teams who were relegated from the Premyaa Leegue in 18th place from 1995 when the leegue woz reduced from 22 teams to 20 teams!

'The Jellied Eels Mob from West Ham' have the highest total with 42 points in their 2002-2003 relegation season

The lowest points total for a 18th position finish iz Bornley who went doon with 30 points in 2009-2010

The average iz just under 37 points per game to be relegated in 18th place!

NUFC currently have 38 points which iz just above the average, with 43 points seemingly guaranteein' safety! (and we still have 6 games left to play!)

Below iz a list of points required for  teams, season by season to AVOID 'the abyss'

332 bracken moor lane, stocksbridge ( v sheff u u23s)

Ground number 332
Date of First Visit: 6th April 2018
Bracken Moor Lane, Stocksbridge
Sheffield United U23s 2
Newcastle United U23s 1 (not sure who scored--the floodlights were blindin'!)

THE TOON ARE IN THE '2 BLUE' STRIP!

Premier League Cup 1/4 final
Attendance: 350 (est) (7 NUFC mad sad groundhoppers!)
That's! 'Biffa the Beer', 'Dave from York' and hiz sidekick 'Alex of St George', 'Glennn from Ashington', 'Mal the Inglish Skool Teechaa', Fink(me!) and someone whos name aa cant recall, who woz wearin' a half and half Toon/Sheff U scarf! (now that IZ sad!)


"FROM STOCKPORT TO STOCKSBRIDGE!"

Az luck would have it aa woz off work anyway on the Friday, so this game fitted in porfectly!
(Mee last new groond woz at STOCKport so I suppose it woz appropriate to visit STOCKsbridge next!)

The plan woz to get the train to 'Darlo' (Darlington) where 'Mal the Inglish Skool Teechaa' < (hiz spellin NOT mine!) woz pickin me up in hiz 'jam jar' ootside Hogans Bar next to the station (he lives there--'Darlo' NOT Hogan's!) for the jorney to Stocksbridge Park Steels FC near Sheffield, where Sheff U resorves play!
(PS: managed to grab a quick pint in ;Hogan's before he picked me up!---az yi de!)

I'd done a detailed hand drawn map/maze of how to get there from the M1 to the groond and it looked dead complicated and I woz sure we'd got lost at some point (see map)

However!---and by some miracle,we didnt get lost and arrived at wor destination and withoot havin' to ask anybody the way, at '4 30 bells', some 2 and a half before kick off time!

There woz a clubhoose at the corner of the pitch which woz OPEN!---So az yi de!---in we went! (of course!)
It offered a fantastic view of the pitch and hills beyond and we settled doon for a few 'liquid lubrications'  (az Mal woz drivin' it woz lemonade shandys for him!)

"A VIEW TO DIE FOR!"

(The PINT of beer, NOT the view of the pitch or the hills beyond!)

It woz soon time to heed inside the groond. We could have watched it from the clubhouse, but we decided to 'slum it' in the tiny main stand, which woz named 'The Jamie Vardy Stand'! after the Lestaa striker, coz he played here for 6 years before he became famous!  (And by amazing coincidence wor forst team were playin against him at Lestaa the next day!)

To be honest wor U23s were terrible and went behind after just 3 minutes when Sheffield's Smith shot past Nathan Harker in the Toon goal----and before lang we were wishin it woz full time!

"BLINDED BY THE LIGHT!"

We somehow managed to get an equaliser in the 2nd half when Victor Fernandez crossed the baall and it ended up in the net after their goalie fumbled the baall! (Fernandez or O.G?--we were blinded by the floodlights and couldnt make oot who scored at the far end!)
Mo Sangare then blazed an effort ower the bar and that woz wor last effort on target

Just when it looked az though extra time could be a possiblity the home side retwook the lead through Smith again, when he hit a shot into the top corner of the net with just a few mins left to win the game for them!

It woz then the drive back to 'Darlo' where I caught the train back to 'The Central' (station) and got back at 11 bells!
Next day I woz up at the crack of dawn to heed back to 'The Central' to catch the train to Lestaa for wor Premyaa Leegue game there!

"Its 'Aall go' when yoo follow The Toon!"

THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE 1 THE TOON 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2017-2018

Posted '9:52am bells' Sunday 8th April 2018

THE TOON ON THE ATTACK! (1st half)

"AALMOST THERE!"

Make ne missteak---this game sent us 10 points clear of 'the abyss' and up to the top half of the table to aalmost certain safety!

After mee 'jaunt' to Stocksbridge the neet before to watch wor U23s on a new groond (match report on that game tomorrow!) aa woz up at the crack of dawn to catch the train(s) to Lestaa with 8 year old granson Jamie, who woz makin hiz Premyaa Leegue away day 'debut'!

Jamie woz dead excited aboot gannin on the train, whereas 'little ol me' woz shattered after gettin back at 11 bells the neet before!

JAMIE ENJOYS AN GOLDEN 'BEER' IN 'THE HIND'!

(GOLDEN HIND!---GET IT?)

After changin trains at Sheffield, we arrived at wor desination at '11 30 bells' and heeded for 'The Hind' just ower the road from the train station for the forst 'liquid lubrications' of the day! (Az yi de!)

It woz then 'onward' to The Regent Club which iz wor regular stoppin off point when we come doon theeeze parts!

JAMIE ON HIZ WAY TO A 147 BREAK IN 'THE REGENT CLUB'!

After several more 'lubrications' and a 'nose bag' (sommik to eat!) it woz time to heed for the groond orly with Jamie, so he could sample the atmosphere in the away end!
The 'atmosphere' included fans hoyin beer ower each other in the concourse, (at £4.50 a pint!) but thankfully ne smokebombs were let off az in previous games!

Aa told Jamie beforehand that away fans aalways stood up, (unlike home games) and that he would probably have to stand on hiz seat to view the action on the field!
However! there woz a smaall lad directly in front of him and he could see ower the top of him withoot standin on hiz seat!

IZ THIS BORO IN DISGUISE? (A FIREWORKS WELCOME FOR THE PLAYERS!) 

We started off well az we attacked the goal where the Toon fans were housed in the corner section and had a few chances!
The important breakthrough came in the 18th minute when Jonjo Shelvey fired a right footed shot home from just inside the box after a great pass from Perez, to send the 3,200 Toon fans wild with delight and I raised Jamie up in the air to sample the roar of the crowd!

JONJO SHELVEY (IN 'D') SCORES WOR FORST GOAL!

"DID YOU SEE THAT!"---SHELVEY ASKS THE TOON FANS!

We were clearly on top, but a scare came just before the interval when Dummett brought doon Mahrez in the box, but thankfully the ref waved 'play on'!

The 2nd half woz the same az we attacked the far goal and the killer goal came 15 mins from time when Perez brilliantly lobbed the baall ower Schmeichel's heed from 30 yards oot to put us 2-0 up!

AYOZE PEREZ'S GOAL! (edge of pic)

Vardy pulled one back for Lestaa late on, but we held on to win wor 3rd game in a row and virtually bannish the relegation blues!

'Lucky mascot' Jamie and the rest of the 3,000 plus Toon fans celebrated a great win to propel us up to 10th place in the Premyaa Leegue table!

Explanation: We say 'The Basil Brush Brigade' az Lestaa are caalled The Foxes---and Basil Brush iz a fox!---get it?

Toon team: Dubravka, Yedlin, Lascelles, Lejeune, Dummett, Richie, Shelvey, Diame (Hayden 81), Kenedy (Atsu 64), Perez, Gayle (Joselu 70)

Attendance: 32,066 (3,200 very happy Toon fans!😊)
*
Virtually anothaa porfect day!

For the 3rd time in a row the results went wor way

We wanted Bournemoooth and Palace to draw so they both dropped 2 points---and they did!
We wanted Brightin and 'uddersfield to draw so they both dropped 2 points---and they did!
We wanted Stoke to lose to Sporz---and they did!
We wanted Wotfaad to lose to Bornley---and the did!
and finaleee---We wanted WBA to beat Swanzee (coz they cant catch us)---and they drew---but Swanzee still dropped 2 points!
Today we wanted The Arse to beat Sooothampton--'and they did!
And we wanted Chelski to beat West Ham but it ended in a draw so West Ham still dropped 2 points!

THE BASIL BRUSH BRIGADE v THE TOON *** PREMYAA LEEGUE TODAY

Posted 7 30am bells Saturday 7th April 2018

Granddad and Jamie's match tickets!

Havin just got back from Stocksbridge late last neet after watchin wor U23s gan doon 2-1 to Sheff U U23s in anothaa groundhoppin 'mission', it woz time to heed back to The Central (station) 7 hours after leavin it to gan to Lestaa!

Grandson Jamie iz makin hiz Premyaa Leegue away 'debut' today and he iz very excited to be gannin on the train!

Wor campaign to 'drink the drink' iz continuin unabaited!
 "Hay hay hay-- lets gan on 'the hoy' in April and May!"

Pub crawl pix from Lestaa to follow below!---

SHEFF UTD BLADE RUNNERS U23s v THE TOON U23s *** TOONEET!

Posted from high noon bells onwards!
(Updates throughoot the day, below!)

Detailed map/maze of how to get to Stocksbridge's groond from M1!

(Who needs a sat nav?😨)

The forst part of wor 'double heeder' takes place tooneet at Stocksbridge Park Steels groond a few miles north of Sheffield, when wor U23s play Sheff U U23s in a Premyaa Leegue qwaataa final cup tie!
(The 2nd part of wor 'double heeder' iz at Lestaa tomorrow in the Premyaa Leegue!)

The 'plan' iz to get a day retorn to Darlo and cadge a lift off 'Mal the Inglish skool teechaa' (his spellin--not mine!) who lives there and for him to drive the rest of the way!

Updated 2 20pm bells @ Darlo
1st port o call

Updated 4 35pm bells at Bracken Moor Groond Stocksbridge (from the clubhoose which owerlooks the pitch)

Amazingly and followin mee aan hand drawn map we foond it withoot gettin lost once!☺

Are we in Lestaa aalready?

"A view to die for!"

(The pint of beer-'-NOT the view of the pitch and hills beyond!)

Teamsheet

HT score 0-1

FT score 1-2!😨

Attendance: 350 (estimated) includin 7 NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers

Match report later!

Az a'm off to Lestaa tomorrow it will be Sunday at the orliest when aa de a report!

THE NUFC MAD-SAD GROUNDHOPPERS AWAY DIARY!

Posted '12:17pm bells' Thorsday 5th April 2018

"A VIEW TO DIE FOR!"

STOCKBRIDGE PARK STEELS!

Confirmation that wor final games in May have been announced have been published---at last!

The final mad-sad groundhoppers away diary now looks like this!

Friday 6th April @ 7 bells---U23s v Sheff U U23s @ Stocksbridge Park Steels near Sheffield

Saturday 7th April @ 3 bells---1st team away @ Lestaa

Munday 16th April @ 7 bells---U23s v Reading U23s @ Wycombe Wanderers

Munday 23rd April @ 8 bells---1st team away @ Evaatin

Saturday 5th May @ 3 bells---1st team away @ Wotfaad

Wednesday 9th May @ 8 bells----1st team away @ Wembley v Sporz

We travel to Stocksbridge tomorrow neet for wor U23s cup tie v Sheff Utd and then it's back yem for some kip "ZZZZzzzz!!!!" before getting up again at 6 bells to gan to Lestaa to watch the 1st team!

A full match report on both games will follow----eventually!

"OH WHY ARE WE WAITING!?" UPDATE--- THE WAIT IZ OVER!

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 4th April 2018
Updated 6 16 bells Wednesday

"Wembley!---but when

for gods sake?"

"Do not ajust your set!"

The final roond of live telly games for May were due to be published yesterday---but predictably---wornt!?

We will eventually find  oot when we will play Sporz at Wembley and Wotfaad at Vicarage Road in the next few days, when they can be bothered to tell us!
Meenwhile!!!--az each hour passes the train fares and hotels gan up in price of course, az the later yoo book the more expensive it iz!

They reelly DO care aboot us---DONT THEY JUST!

The Geordie Times will of course let yoo know when we find oot!
😴😴😴😴😴"ZZZZZZzzzzzz!!!!!!"

Update
We will play Sporz @ Wembley on Wed 9th May @ 8 bells

Wotfaad stays the same
Sat 5th May @ 3 bells

"IT'S A CARVE UP!"

Posted '2:45pm bells' Easter Munday April 2nd 2018

"WE'VE BEEN SACKED AGAIN!"

"WE'VE WON THE PAY DAY LOTTERY!"

"VILLA! VILLA! HERE WE COME!" 

(THAT'S THEIR NEW 'VILLA'S IN BARBADOS, BY THE WAY!)

Havin 'guided' WBA to one win in 18 games with a 5.6% win record the 'dysastrous duo' of Pardew and Carver have finally been shown the door after 9 straight defeats, which see's the west midlands club on the brink of relegation!

NUFC played them away in the new year when we drew 1-1!
Tony Pulis had been given 'the bullet' when they were ootside the bottom 3, just before we played them!

Rumour had it that Pardew and Carver would take ower on the followin' Munday and we warned their fan at the nearby train station after the match, that this would be a disastrous appointment after they both 'guided' us to relegation in 2015-2016!
We were 100% reet!

After their 9th defeat in a row v Bornley on Saturday, (a WBA club record!) fans caalled for Pardew's heed and Carver (the best manager in the world!) told them to "Shut their gobs!" ("Charming!")

They both will of course get a massive severence pay day for failure, but yoo can rest assured that they will torn up somewhere else and "Hoy a spanner in the works!"