Wednesday, 1 February 2017

THE TOON v THE STEPTOE RAG & BONE MEN FROM SHEPHERD'S BUSH *** TOONEET!

Posted '1:17pm bells' Wednesday 1st February 2017
THESE QPR FANS WERE SPOTTED DOON THE BIGG MARKET OOTSIDE
'THE BEEHIVE' THIS MORNIN'

Tooneet we welcome that 'numbskull' of a manager Ian Holloway and hiz QPR side to SJP and (hopefully?) we will grab the 3 points on offer az well!
If wor 6-0 annialation of 'The Steptoes' @ Loftus Road orlier this season iz anythin' to gan by, then the points are in the bag!
BUT!--this IZ NUFC and so divvint 'jump the gun' like we did ower the Toonsend 'non' transfor! (see below!)

'The Biscuitmen of Readin' won again last neet and are nuw anly THREE points behind us in thord place, havin' played 2 games more!

We expect at least NINE changes from the team that 'played'? at Oxfaad on Saturday and anly a win will de!

'The Steptoes' have anly sold 500 of their 1,500 allocation of tickets, so expect a sub 50,000 crowd this evenin'!

A full and compreeehesive match report will appear here sometime tomorrow!
Az per usual, "Watch this space!"

"WE'VE GOT EGG ON WOR FACES!!!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 1st February 2017


Forst of aall grovellin' apologeeeez for gettin' the Andros Toonsend transfor 100% WRANG!

Despite upbeat messages from NUFC and news from wor secret 'club insider' that the deal waz 'imminent' and woz a "DONE DEAL!"--- this haz NOT happened and we are givin' worsels a thoosand lines:
'MUST NOT JUMP THE GUN!'

One of wor reeders, namely 'Secret Pigeon' even rushed oot and put a £100 bet on him scorin' the forst goal against QPR tooneet and bought a 'wonga' shirt with 'TOONSEND' on the back!
(He can aalways sell hiz shirt on 'E Bay'---he might get a couple of pence for it?)

Once again 'grovellin' apologeeez', but this IZ 'The Geordie Times'  <(wot else did yoo expect!?)

Tuesday, 31 January 2017

GEORDIE TIMES EXCLUUUSIVE!

Posted '11:30am bells' Tuesday 31st January 2017
BACK IN BLACK n WHITE!

 'The Geordie Times' 'secret agent' and club 'insider' tells us that Andros Toonsend iz comin' back to NUFC today! 

Yoo will read aboot it later on today and on the telly!!!!

BUT REMEMBER!---yoo hord this excluuusive news forst in 'The Geordie Times'!---and ne where else!!!!

Monday, 30 January 2017

324 kassam stadium oxford


Ground number 324

Date of First Visit: 28th January 2017

Kassam Stadium, Oxford

 

Oxford United 3

Newcastle United 0

 

FA Cup 4th Roond

Attendance: 11,810 (1,787 Toon fans)

 

“CUP-ITULATION!”--

"AZ THE OXO 'GRAVY TRAIN' COMES OFF THE RAILS!"

 
MITROVIC'S PENALTY MISS! (JUST ABOOT SUMS IT UP!)
(The Toon are in white)

Lets be brutally honest here!---this performance from NUFC’s 2nd string? waz az dire az it gets!

When I saw that Sels waz in goal (wor 3rd choice keeper) yoo just knew wot woz comin’ next!

A line up with 9 changes from wor last game that had me ’finkin’ that a draw waz on the cards and yet anothaa midweek replay---Aa shouldn’t have worried though az these performances seem to be saved for the FA Cup and yet anothaa exit before February haz come! (saves on expensive trips to Wembley in May!---eh!)

 

“WE’VE GOT MORE FANS THAN YOU, NEW-CAS-IL!, NEW-CAS-IL!

 

The day starterd off at 5:45 am bells’ when aa caught the forst bus to the Toon and then onward by train to---DURHAM!

‘Jimmy the Riddle’ woz pickin’ us up there (‘us bein’ me and ‘Adam (without) Aunt’ az the train fare aall the way to Oxfaad waz a mouth waaterin’ £144!  It cost me the grand total of £5.10 for a retorn ticket to Durham and £30 for petrol in Jimmy’s Mag-mobile’ (see photo!)
'THE MAG-MOBILE'!
"I told Jimmy in no uncertain terms that the only way I would travel to Oxfaad
by car would be in a one with black n white stripes!---
 SO!--- he went oot and bought one!"

A bit cheaper than the train fare ‘aall the way doon’---so that waz the way we travelled!

 

At the Central there were loads of people wearin’ claret n blue scarves and hats and not one person wearin’ any Toon gear?

 

Were they Gatesheed fans heedin’ for Torquay (where The Heed were playin’ (Gatesheed’s 2nd strip iz claret n blue) or some rugby club heedin’ somewhere?

Mee curiosity got the better of me and aa asked one of them ‘who there were and where were they gannin’?

 

“SOOTH SHEELDZ!” came the reply---“We’re playin’ Solent from Sooothampton in the FA Vase!”

 

The carriage I woz in on the train to King’s Cross waz packed with them and not a Toon fan in sight (£144 probably put them off!)

And then—just before the train pulled oot one of mee travellin’ companions torned up, namely 'Adam (withoot) Aunt' <(he NEVA brings hiz aunty!)

 

We got off at Durham az planned and Jimmy waz waitin’ in hiz ‘Mag-mobile’ to whisk us away to Oxfaad!

On the way we picked Adam’s daddy up at Northampton sorvices (he lives there) < (Eh!--Northampton NOT the sorvices!) who woz caalled Brian and we sped off towards wor final destination!

 

Oxfaad’s groond iz some 4 and a half miles from the city centre and the ‘plan’? woz to park there and get a bus into Oxfaad for a few ‘gargels’ with the lads who went aall the way by train!

We parked up next to the away end at ’high noon bells’and heeded for the bus stop, a 10 minute waalk away on the Blackbird Leys estate! <(where there were riots in the 1990’s !)

The bus jorney woz torturous az we made wor way through heavy traffic—passin’ several ‘drinkin’ dens’ on the way!—It woz takin’ ages and I suggested we get off at the next boozer az time woz getting on (‘12:20 bells’ by this time) 'Jimmy the Riddle' woz havin non of it!

“We’ll stay on and meet the lads!” he exclaimed, addin’ that az HE woz the driver and couldn’t drink anyway,  he wasn’t bothered aboot the rest of us getting’ wor pre match gargels! <(SELFISH B*****D!)

We eventually arrived in the centre some 30 mins after getting’ on the bus!---but ended up a lang way from where wor companions were drinkin’!---This woz because the postcode they gave us to tell us where they were woz WRANG (OX1 1SU instead of OX1 3SU!) so we decided that az it woz now ‘qwaataa to one bells’ to heed for the nearest hostelry instead just around the corner from where we were!


 

The rest of them eventually foond us (“HORRAY!”) and ‘Colonel Gadaffi’ said that there woz a ‘hysterical’ pub alang the road caalled ‘The Chequers’ (see photo!) which woz wor next ‘port o call’

We went there but it wasn’t that ‘hysterical’—more ‘historical’ (‘The Colonel’ IZ getting’ on a bit!) and soon it woz time to heed back to the groond and face the torturous 30 minute retorn jorney!
HISTORICAL OR HYSTERICAL?

 

We made it with a little time to spare and heeded for the away end where the 1,800 or so Toon fans were housed!

 
"SING IN THE CAR PARK!"

We needn’t have bothered comin’ az Rafa sent oot a resorve team who didn’t seem to be ‘up for it’!
THE TOON ATTACK 'THE OXO ULTRAS END' (1st half)

Really we shud have been aheed at the break but fluffed chances cost us and the 2nd half woz a different story!
ACTION IN FRONT OF THE MAIN STAND

With ‘The Oxo Ultras’ fans behind the far goal and the home side kickin’ that way, they were aheed barley 30 seconds after the restart when Hemmings scrambled the baall into the back of wor net from a corner kick!

And then in the 66th minute we had a bit of luck az Mitrovic woz bundled ower in the box and the ref gave us a penalty. Mitrovic took it himself but predictableee he missed it by placin’ the baall just to the right of their keeper who managed to parry the baall away to cheers from The Oxo mob’

It woz soon 2-0 after this az wor heeds dropped! Anothaa corner which woz heeded in by Nelson to ‘finish us off’!

 

The 3rd and final humiliation came just before the end when Martinez heeded in from yet anothaa corner to send many of The Toon fans to the exits!

 

Yet anothaa ‘’Disaster Day’ for the faithful to endure and from a personal point of view this waz the SEVENTEENTH TIME av seen NUFC lose to opposition from a lower division in the FA Cup!!!!

"WE WOZ THERE!"---"UNFORTUNATLEEEE!"
 

Toon (resorve!) team: Sels, Gamez, Haidera (Richie 77), Hanley, Good, Hayden, Barlaser, Lazaar, Perez, Mitrovic, El Mhanni (Gouffran 68) 
"THE PREMYAA LEEGUE 'GRAVY TRAIN' IZ ALL THAT MATTERS'!"
   
*
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE!
'Adam (withoot) Aunt' in 'The Mag-mobile' to Oxfaad! ^^^^^^
'Adam (withoot) Aunt' in club in Blackborn! ^^^^^^

Sunday, 29 January 2017

GEORDIE TIMES COMMENT!

Posted '9:33am bells Sunday 29th January 2017
SOMEWHERE IN THE 'AWAY END' AT OXFAAD YESTERDAY!

We here at 'The Geordie Times' are in complete shell-shock after yesterdays events at Oxfaad!
YET anothaa cup disaster day to add to the very long list!

For this reason it might take us some time to complete the 'match'? report on this game!

Pleeeze bear with us and the 'disaster day report'  will appear here---eventually!

Friday, 27 January 2017

THE OXO GRAVY GRANUELS MOB v THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Posted '8:48pm bells' Friday 27th January 2017
"THE TOON GRAVY TRAIN IS COMIN'!"---PASS THE OXO PLEEEEZE!"

Tomorrow, and anly for the THORD time this century we are playin' on a NEW groond for an FA Cup tie!

The othaaz bein' Cheltenham in 2006 and (ne Where Near!)Brighton in 2012!

In total this will be mee 108th leegue groond visited watchin' The Toon of the CURRENT teams in the Futbaall Leegue! (IF? aa make it to the 'Kassam'!)
80 in total if yi DIVVINT include the old groonds! (Maine Road, Highbury, Joker Park etc!)

The decision waz made that it would be 'train' to Durham and then 'car' to Oxfaad, az the train fare of £144 retorn woz considered tooooo much by many of us!
Jimmy (the Riddle) who lives near Durham had said that he would take hiz 'jam-jar' if the train fare woz 'too high'  <(£144 sureleee iz!) and so the decision woz made to gan with him! (£7 train retorn to Durham--£30 in petrol each to Oxfaad and back!)

1,800 Toon fans will be present in the 12,000 capacity crowd

There will of course be a FULL Geordie Times match report which will be online sometime on Sunday--(or Munday if we 'baallz it up'!)

Thursday, 26 January 2017

SMBs U18s 3 THE TOON U18s 4 *** FA YOUTH CUP 5th ROOND

Posted 'high noon bells' Thorsday 26th January 2017
THE TOON PLAYERS CELEBRATE McNALL'S LATE WINNER
 @ 'THE STADIUM DE HOLE'!

The Toon's youngins won an epic thriller @ Hetton-the -Hole last neet to reach the qwaataa final of Youth Cup to twist the knife even forthaa into the mackems!

The goal sequences were az follows:

15th minute: 1-0 to us: McNall tucks away a penalty to give us the advantage az mackem manager 'Misery Moyesy' looks on!

20th minute: 2-0 to us: Wor lead woz doubled when Owen Bailey lifted the baall ower the smb keeper!

53rd minute: 2-1: The mackems pull one back to put them back in the tie

68th minute: 3-1 to us: Wilson restores wor 2 goal lead with a powerful shot az the mackems misfit manager 'Misery Moyesy' heeds for the exit, with the white flag of surrender in the air! (he probably went to get some anti-depressant drugs!)

76th minute: 3-2: The smb score from penalty spot

79th minute: 3-3: Disaster! az the mackems level things with a tap in goal!---extra time looms!

86th minute: 4-3 to 'US'!: McNall saves the day az he calmly beats a defender and cooly places the baall into the back of the net to win this dramatic cup tie, az the sprinklin' of Toon fans celebrate amongst the 1,009 crowd!

Brilliant victory against the arch enemy to put us in the qwaataa finals!

Wednesday, 25 January 2017

SMB U18s v THE TOON U18s *** FA YOUTH CUP 5th ROOND *** TOONEET

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 25th January 2017

Wor junior side are in action toneet @ Hetton the Hole, where we take on the mackems equivalent in an Youth Cup tie.
The Eppleton Welfare Groond will host the game and by a strange quirk of fate it will be played in the same week of  January az wor one and anly visit here back in 2009 (when wor resorves won 2-1)

That day 8 years ago in 2009 waz aalso the day of loyal Toon fan and friend 'Jonezee's funeral in Tynemouth (see archive report below)     
RIP 'JONEZEE' you will never be forgotten by us!

Monday, 23 January 2017

SWANZEE U23s 2 THE TOON U23s 1 *** LANDORE TRAININ' GROOND, SWANZEEE

Posted 'high noon bells' Munday 23rd January 2017
(4 DAYS LATE!--BUT THIS IZ 'THE GEORDIE TIMES'!)
'DAVE FROM YORK' SENT US THIS 'ACTION SHOT' AZ THE TEAMS LINE UP!
(THE TOON ARE IN BLACK n GOLD)

Anly TWO of 'The NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' made it to Swanzee for the U23s Leegue Cup tie @ Landore (last Friday)!
They were 'Dave from York' who travelled there on hiz FREE train pass via Manchester---and 'Glennn from Ashington' who 'slummed it' by bus at great expense!
Swanzee's Landore trainin' groond iz just alang the road from The Liberty Stadium and so it wasn't tooo hard for them to find! (havin' (of course) been to 'The Liberty' before for previous NUFC forst team games!)

The Toon took the lead in the 15th minute when Adam Wilson fired in from the edge of the box---but that's az good az it got!
We held on til half time but at the midpoint of the 2nd half the home side equalised through Baibi and then just 6 minutes later Maric wrapped it up for Swanzee after hiz effort hit the post and he tapped in the rebound!

After the match Dave caught the train back to London--and then York, while Glennn stopped off at Bristol to watch Bristol play Plymouth in a BASKETBAALL MATCH!? <(the sadness just gets worse!!!!)

Sunday, 22 January 2017

THE TOON 4 THE NEW YORK YORKIES 0 *** EFL 2016-2017

Posted '11:35am bells' Sunday 22nd January 2017

1st HALF ACTION AZ THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE GOAL

The 3,200 'Yorkies' must have thought it waz a cup final az they packed the away end with 3,200 followers!

Rothaaham made it az difficult az possible in the forst half az they wasted time az orly az the 10th minute when the baall went oot for a throw in to them and nebody went to take it!--- and their goalie then wasted time takin' goal kicks!  (they must have been hopin' for a 'replay' back at their place!)

Scythin' tackles then went in from them az they battled away and every rare corner they got waz greeted az though they scored the winnin' goal!

We just couldn't break them doon and then in the 38th minute a scary moment for us. Karl Darlow went to collect them baall on the edge of the box at The Leazes End but fumbled and lost the baall. 
A Rothaaham forward quickly got to the baall and centred to the middle az Darlow scrambled to get back to hiz goal.
A shot came in which looked certain to end up in the back of the net, but wor goalie somehow managed to get back and parry the baall away to save wor bacon!---a brilliant save to make up for hiz misstayk!

And then deep into injury time 'we' made the breakthrough when a Yedlin cross foond Daryl Murphy and he fired left footed across the box to send us in 1-0 up at half time @ The Gallowgate End.
2nd HALF PRESSURE AZ WE ATTACK THE LEAZES END

The 2nd half waz much easier for us az we pounded the Leazes goal and we doubled wor lead with just 4 minutes gone when Matt Richie fired in from the 6 yard box!
'The Yorkies' were 'done' by this goal, with ne time wastin' from them after this (aa wonder why?)
It waz aall 'one way traffic' and the 3rd goal came 10 mins later when Perez got in on the act with a goal from close range!
JAMIE CELEBRATES WOR 3rd GOAL!

It waz a case of 'how many can we get' now and the 4th and final goal came in the 80th minute when a fantastic through baall from Jonjo Shelvey foond Matt Richie and he raced away towards the goal and placed hiz left foot shot with deadly accuracy to finish off poor Rothaaham.
By this time half their 3,200 fans had left their seats and their cup final dream waz ower for anothaa 30 odd years (the last time we played them in the leegue!)

Summary: NUFC are now 9 points clear of 3rd placed 'uddersfield and leapfrog Brighton once again to reclaim top spot!----while the team from the 'New York Stadium' find themselz 9 points adrift of safety in bottom spot!

Toon team: Darlow Yedlin (Sterry 79), Lascelles, Clark, Dummett, Richie, Hayden, Shelvey, Gouffran (Sammy Ameobi! 63), Perez, Murphy (Lazaar 74)

ROTHAAHAM FANS IN THE TOP DECK OF THE LEAZES

Attendance: 52, 208 (against ROTHAAHAM?) (3,200 'New Yorkers'!)  The crowd waz just 20 shy of wor highest of the season--v Forest!

*ROOM WITH A VIEW! 
VIEW OF SJP FROM 3rd FLOOR OF IRISH CLUB
      
"I'VE SEEN THE LIGHT!"
GLOW OF THE FLOODLIGHTS FROM TILLY'S BAR!

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