SOOOTHAMPTON v THE TOON *** SATURDAY AFTERNOOON!

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 8th April 2016

"KEEP THE FAITH!"



In the week when NUFC announced record profits of £33 million, we heed for the south coast knowin' that defeat for us tomorrow and a win for Norwich at Palace, will virtually (but not mathematically) condemn us to trips to New York and Burton next season! (ER! that's New York Stadium in ROTHERHAM! by the way and NOT in 'The Big Apple', USA! <(more like The 'Apple Gook', Yorkshire, for us!)
We are heedin' off in the orly hours of tomorrow mornin' ('4:45 bells' train to KX!) and then onward to Sooothampton from London---arrivin' @ approx. '11 bells'---where we will ne doubt heed for the nearest 'liquid lubrication location' for the forst pre match 'gargels'!

A full match and 'hootch' report will appear here az per usual sometime on Sunday!

Can we save wor season????----Can we de a 'Lestaa'????---who naaz with this lot????--- "KEEP THE FAITH!"  

DELIA'S CANARY CUSTARD CREAMS 3 THE TOON 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Updated '10:15am bells' Munday 4th April 2016


1st HALF *** THE TOON ATTACK THE FAR GOAL

"SELF INFLICTED WOUNDS FROM WOR OWN 'FANS?'!"

The lang jorney to Norfolk started off @ '5:59 am bells' precisely @ 'The Central' and we arrived in Norwich some 4 and a half hours later (via Peterborough!)
'The Murderers Arms' waz wor forst (and anly!) port o call in the city centre for the pre match 'gargels' and 'nosebags' before heedin' for Carrow Road some 4 hours later---a 15 minute walk away!


THE MURDERERS---"SPOT THE PLONKY!"


We were simply awful in the forst half and just az injury time approached the baall went into the away end in front of us az Norwich were award a free kick deep into wor half!

The fools in front of us were so thick and they wouldn't give them the baall back!--Considerin' that a 0-0 draw waz much better for the home side than us, this waz shear stupidity beyond belief from wor own lot! < (And aa thought that 'April Fools Day' waz the day before?)

When eventually they did get it back after aboot 90 seconds, wor defence fell asleep and allowed Klose a free heeder which he sent past Darlow in The Toon goal!---'self inflicted wounds' would be the understatement of the year!--HT 1-0 to The Canary Custards!


To cut a lang story short Mitrovic waz finally introduced in the 62nd minute and just 9 minutes later he scored after a Toonsend cross foond hiz heed and he beat the home keeper ne ends to level the contest!

Az The Toon fans were still celebratin' the goal, anothaa 'self inflicted wound' happened when wor defence failed to clear their lines and Mbokani welled the baall underneath Darlow's body to regain the lead!

Again The Toon came back when a hand baall in the penalty box resulted in a rare penalty kick for us and Mitrovic cooly despatched the shot into the bottom right hand corner of the net with just 4 minutes left on the clock ---and we thought at least a point iz better than nowt az we celebrated wildly again!

2nd HALF ACTION

And then the final 'self inflicted wound'---when again we failed to clear wor lines and Olssen put 'the dagger through wor hearts' deep into stoppage time with the killer goal in the 93 minute! (but waz it 'hand baall'?) ---wor NINTH defeat in a row 'on the road'! (inc FA Cup!)

The result meenz that we are now SIX points from safety with an inferior goal difference with just SEVEN games left!
Trip to Burton and Rotherham next season look an absolute certainty now!-----UNLESS! we can 'de a Lestaa'---very unlikeleee I'm afraid!

Toon team: Darlow, Janmaat, Mbemba, Taylor, Anita (Mitrovic 62), Tiote (Perez 46), Shelvey, Toonsend, Sissoko, Wijnaldum, Cisse

Attendance: 27,137 (2,660 Resigned Toon fans!)

*The pre and post match 'gargels' took place here!

  

      

POST MATCH---NORWICH

POST MATCH----SOMEWHERE NEAR PETERBOROUGH STATION!
(THE ROAD SIGN SHOULD READ--'NO ENTRY EXCEPT 'PLONKIES'!)

 

THE CANARY CUSTARDS v THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOOOON!

Posted '3:35pm bells' April Fools Day 2016

Crunch day haz nearly arrived in wor bid to avoid the dreaded drop into 'the abyss' of The Championship!

There are TWO best and worst case scenarios to consider!

ONE: We win at Norwich and the SMBs lose at home to WBA---we will then be level on points with tomorrows opponents, but with a worse goal difference and two aheed of wor wearyside rivals!

TWO: We lose and the SMBs win-----Norwich will then be SIX points aheed of us, which in effect will be SEVEN if yoo include their superiors goal difference---The SMBs will be FOWER points clear in 3rd bottom place, again with a superior goal difference-----and with just SEVEN games left after this, 'the abyss' looks an odds on certainty!

The bookies make us and the mackems favourites to join doomed Villa in The Championship, with Norwich escapin' by the skin of their teeth----lets hope that this ISN'T the case on Saturday and with the 'Rafa' magic effect' (we hope!?) we can somehow climb oot of the relegation zone to safety!

We shall soon find oot!---We are on the '6 bells' train to Peterborough in the mornin' and then onward to Norfolk from there!---aall 2,660 away tickets have been sold oot!

"Howay the Lads!"     

APRIL FOOL! *** THE JUDGE IS A GEORDIE!

Posted '11:35am bells' April Fools Day 2016

BRAMALL LANE CRICKET PAVILION *** AZ IT LOOKED IN THE 1970's

It's that time of the year again folks!---and we make NE APOLOGEEEZ for diggin' up this 'gem' from April Fools Day in 1972 when a riot in Sheffield resulted in many court appearences for 'The Leazes End Boot Boys'!

Daft Tommy who iz the main character in the story below and who will be in hiz 70's now, ne langer gans to the games, but he watches 'The Toon' from the comfort of 'The Clock' in Clayton Street and can be foond there most days, 'on the hoy'!

"April Fool the Judge is a Geordie!"***A 'classic' from 44 years ago today!

MORE 'TWISTS' AND TURNS THAN AN AGATHA CHRISTIE NOVEL!

Posted '1:11pm bells' Wednesday 30th March 2016

More devastatin' news for NUFC! 
For wor Irish Republic 2nd choice goalie Rob Elliot haz twisted hiz knee in Dublin az he tried in vain to save a shot against Slovakia in a friendly last neet!
It happened in the 15th minute and we understand that Rob will be oot of action for the rest of the season---just like forst choice keeper Tim Krul who injured himself in exactly the same way playin' for Holland a while back!

This leaves Karl Darlow az wor only available keeper with Premyaa Leegue experience (ONE game!) for wor trip to 'The Canary Custards of Norwich' on Saturday, with wor Academy U18s Freddie Woodman the anly othaa fit keeper we have left!

Just wot we didn't want in wot iz a 'MUST'-'MUST'-'MUST' 'MUST'! win game @ Carrow Road in wor quest to stay in the Premyaa Leegue!
The result of this game will give us a very good idea of the destinations we will be heedin' for next season!
Liverpool or Burton?---West Brom or Waalsaall?----Arsenal or Gillingham?---Manchester or MK Dons?----Chelski or Millwaall?---we shall soon find oot!

It's just anothaa 'DISASTER DAY' in the never endin' 'novel' that iz NUFC

"FORTY SEVEN QUID?--- YI HAVIN' A LAFF!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 26th March 2016


"HELLO!-- NEWCASTLE UNITED FC?  WE ARE RIPPIN'
YOUR FANS OFF LIKE! AND CHARGING THEM £47
TO GET IN NEXT MONTH!"

News that 'The Liverbirds' are to charge us £47 to get in next month for wor visit there, makes the £30 max charge for Premyaa Leegue games next season laughable!

The most ironic thing aboot this, iz that we might not be gannin there next season anyway to get the 'discount'!

An onerous sign of wor current plight iz on Toon fan site nufc.com, which gives the start date for the Premyaa Leegue next season az Sat 13/08/2016 ---but aalso gives the start date for Championship games az Sat 06/08/2016!

"Yee of little faith!"  

319 broadfield stadium, crawley

Ground number 319
Date of First Visit: 23rd March 2016
Broadfield Stadium, Crawley

Brighton U21s 1
Newcastle United U21s 1 (Callum Roberts)

FA Premier U21s League

Unofficial attendance: 368 (Dave from York's estimate!) 
Actual attendance: 266!


"THE FOOLHARDY FIVE!"

THE TOON (in the dark blue strip)
ATTACK THE BRUCE WINFIELD END! (1st half)

Three of the 'NUFC mad-sad groundhoppers' travelled doon by train and stopped owerneet for this one---namely 'Dave from York', hiz 'sidekick' 'Alex of St George' and 'Blondie Alan the Morris Dancer'
'Glennn from Ashington' opted for a torturous 'cheap' coach jorney via London, while yours truly decided (against my better judgement!) to drive aall the way there and back az aa had to gan to graft on the Thorsday afternoon

Aa set off (on mee todd!) in mee 9 seater van (come mini bus) at precisely '11:11am bells' and heeded for deepest Sussex!

Just to 'help me' on the 330 mile plus jorney, the London orbital M25 motorway waz shut at the junction aa needed from the M1 torn off!---Az the radio reported delays of FIVE HOURS aa panicked and torned off at Northampton and heeded doon the A43 towards Oxford where aa picked the M40 up which comes oot at a junction of the M25 not effected by the closure <(hope a'm not borin' the t*tts off yoo?)
It waz then a stop start crawl around the 'said' M25 and aa eventually arrived in 'Creepy Crawleyland' at qwaataa to six bells, some SIX and a half hours and 334 miles after leavin' my Tyneside abode!

Kick off waz at 7, so (after bumpin' into Glennn) we heeded for a pub caalled 'The Full Moon' where Dave and Co. were! (or waz it 'The Blue Moon'?)
After a fruitless 30 minutes tryin' to find it, we 'gave up' and heeded back to the groond az kick off time waz approachin'!
(It torned oot that the pub waz through an underpass-- but nebody telt us that!)

Anyway!---after a quick 'nosebag' inside the groond (a cheeseburger!) it waz soon kick off time and Dave, Blondie and Alex made up the five lang distance Toon travellers, az they staggered in from the boozer we couldn't find! (we have since renamed worsels az 'The Foolhardy Five!'!)

Ivan Toney waz playin' for us after a 2 month absence through injury but quite a few of The Toon team were from the lower junior ranks (U18s) and Brighton took advantage az they tried to make the breakthrough!
It came in the 17th minute after a defensive blunder by wor number 2 (Spooner) allowed Brighton's number 4 (Collar) the space to have a shot which beat Toon debutant keeper Nathan Harker az the shot went in off the post!


THE 'U' HAZ FALLEN OFF THE KRUL STAND!---
AZ THE TOON PRESS FOR THE WINNER 

Brighton had othaa chances to seal the win ---but didn't take them and in the 2nd half, az we attacked the 'Tim Krul End' (see photo of stand's name!) wor number 7 Callum Roberts hit an unstoppable left foot shot which flew into the back of the net, to loud 'cheers' and applause from the 'Foolhardy Five' and aboot 20 othaa Toon exiles dotted aboot the main stand!
Az the baall entered the net 'Dave from York' got a phone call from the widow of a recently bereaved Toon fan known az 'Gazza' <(no! not that one!) tellin' him of the funeral arrangements!
"I'm at a match at the minute---we've just scored!", Dave told hor, az he struggled to hear hor above the noise!---weird!

Anyway!---That's the way it ended az aa 'looked forward' <(NOT!) to the six hour drive back yem!---via the M1 roadworks--arrivin' back at precisely '3:02 am bells' and a roond trip of (precisely!) 663.7 miles!--which took iz ower half a day's travellin' time! (12 and a half hours drivin' time, there and back, aall told!) 

ie: It WAZ worth it though--az aa 'chalked' anothaa Leegue groond 'off the 92 list'-----A'm not caalled 'The mad-sad groundhopper' for nothin'! 
Of the 92 current leegue groonds, a'v visited 78 !---aall with 'The Toon'!
In total includin' former leegue groonds of current leegue teams, this total rises to 110 (ie 2 groonds for the likes of Man C, SMBs, Smoggies, Lestaa, Stoke, Bristol Rovers, etc etc)
That still leaves me with 14 current leegue groonds still to visit however!----it's a never endin' 'goal'!         

THE CRUMPLED TEAM SHEET PROVES THAT "WE WAZ THERE!"

NUFC MAD SAD GROUNDHOPPER NEWS *** "NEW GROOND! NEW GROOND!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 22nd March 2016

Tomorrow neet at '7 bells' wor U21s take on Brighton's equivalent @ Broadfield Stadium, Crawley--which iz new territory for the mad-sad groundhoppers!---AND a new leegue groond to add to the list!

Because of the distance involved (roond trip 666 miles!) there are very few 'saddos' gannin'! (FIVE aaltogether mee finx?)

More to follow on aall this later this week!--- plus match report!

THE TOON 1 THE SMBs 1 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Posted '10:00am bells' Munday 21st March 2016


1st HALF ACTION AZ THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES GOAL


"THE ROT HAZ STOPPED AT LAST!"

Although we didn't win this 'relegation derby' a point waz better than nowt az at half time we aall thought that at 1-0 doon we were f****d!

The mackems had made more of the play in the forst half and 'that thorn in wor side' scored again within seconds of the forst half endin', and thoughts of 7 defeats in a row to the SMBs waz unfinkable!!

Aa took me six year old grandson Jamie to hiz forst ever derby game and if we'd lost he would have to live with that forevermore!
But Mitrovic saved wor (and hiz!) bacon with barely 10 minutes left on the clock with a fine heeded goal from a Wijnaldum cross to send me and 'lucky mascot' Jamie wild with delight alang with the othaa 49,000 Toon fans in this capacity crowd---az the 3,000 mackems looked on in despair!

ACTION AT THE GALLOWGATE END (2nd half)
(view from row 'T' in The Milburn Stand)

We'd stopped the rot but the anly 'winners' in aall this were Norwich City--3 points aheed of us in 2nd bottom place and 2 aheed of the SMBs!---and guess who we play away next with just 8 games left----"NORWICH!"

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat (Anita 71), Colback (De Jong 62), Shelvey, Mbemba, Lascelles, Wijnaldum, Sissoko, Mitrovic, Perez, Toonsend (Cisse 76)

Attendance: 52,311 (3,000 SMBs) *

THE TOON v THE SMBs *** "D DAY DECIDER!"

Updated '8:55am bells' Sunday 20th March 2016

THE TOON WON 3-1 (Keeble, Milburn, White) IN FRONT OF 61,000
("More of the same pleeeze on Sunday!")

The biggest derby game in livin' memory takes place @ SJP this afternoon and a victory for the black n whites haz never been needed more!

At stake of course iz survival in the Premyaa Leegue and shud we win we will climb above the mackems and hope that Norwich have lost on Saturday @ WBA az well! <(they WON!)

The adrenalin iz startin' to pump up aalready and several pints of 'liquid lubrication' will be needed before the match to steady mee norves!

We shall soon find oot if 'Rafa the Gaffa' can wave hiz magic wand and get a good performance oot of hiz charges!

With Norwich winnin' yesterday it meenz we MUST win or be cast adrift in the bottom 3---there iz now a 4 point gap between us and them!

A full match report will appear here sometime on Munday!