'THE WALLY WITHOOT THE BROLLY'S LATEST QUOTES

Posted '10:22am bells' Munday 4th January 2016

"BELIEVE YOU ME--BELOW THE SURFACE I AM PADDLING LIKE MAD!"
(A recent quote from McClaren!)

On aboot wor defeat at Arsenal: "If we'd had Olivier Giroud we would have comfortably won the game!  That's the difference, you're always looking for that!" <(But we havvent got him--HAVE WE!---we wont pay 'the bit'---that's why we've anly won 4 games oot of 20 this season!)

"Unfortunately at the moment Emmanuel Riviere is injured, just coming back!" <(He's been injured aall season and scored just ONE goal in 23 appearences last season!)

"Cisse, who is a goalscorer, is injured for the next two or three months!" < (He's scored a grand total of TWO goals this season! and played in a total of 13 games (5 as a sub)---If he iz 'so valuable' to the team, why haz he been on the subs bench 8 times and an unused sub on 3 of those occasions?)

On aboot the players: "In the last five or six games they've been excellent!" <(We've lost the last 3 withoot scorin' a solitary goal!)

THE ARSE 1 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Posted 'high noon bells' Sunday 3rd January 2016

A MINUTES APPLAUSE BEFORE THE GAME FOR FORMER TOON KEEPER
PAVEL SRNICEK, WHO TRAGICALLY DIED LAST WEEK AGED 47

"BLANKETY, BLANKETY, BLANK!"

Despite havin' at least 3 glorious chances to take the lead against 'The Arse' yesterday, we failed to find the net for the thord game in a row and paid the ultimate price when they grabbed the winner late on in the game.

For once we weren't 2nd best against the leegue leaders, but goals mean prizes and we finished with the 'booby one' yet again az Wijnaldum, Mitrovic and Mbemba aall shud have scored with glorious chances,---but didn't!
Wijnaldum had the best chance, when with just 3 minutes on the clock at the start of the 2nd half he waz put straight through and looked certain to score!---And wot did he de?---he shot straight at Cech, with the goal at hiz mercy!
Just a minute later Perez crossed for Mitrovic, who heeded the baall ower the bar when it looked easier to score!

MBEMBA PUTS THE BAALL WIDE OF THE ARSE GOAL!
(View from row 11 seat  261 'Clock End')

Mbemba then had a free heeder which he put wide and not lang after this the home side scored the anly goal of the game when Koscielny fired past Elliot from a corner kick in the 73rd minute!   

This means that we have failed to score in SIX of wor TEN away games so far this season---this iz the main reason 'we are where we are'!

A proven striker pleeeze in the transfor window!---or else we've 'HAD IT'!

Toon team: Elliot, Coloccini, Mbemba, Dummett, Janmaat, Sissoko, Tiote (De Jong 87), Colback (Thourvin 79) , Wijnaldum, Perez , Mitrovic 

Attendance: 59,257 (2,000 Toon fans) *


The pre-match 'gargels' took place here!

HOLBURN---LONDON
 



DRUNKEN TOON FANS INVADE THE BROWNSWOOD ARMS!---
MANOR HOUSE---LONDON (20 mins waalk from groond)

 

 

 

The post match 'gargels' took place here!

 




ISLINGTON---LONDON



CAMDEN---LONDON

"IZ THIS THE END OF THE WORLD?"
CAMDEN---LONDON

CAMDEN---LONDON
 

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!?"



"A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOO ALL!"---
"FROM 'THE GEORDIE TIMES' TEAM!"



THE ARSE v THE TOON **** TOMORROW AFTERNOOON!

Updated 'high noon bells' News Years Day 2015



"BAA BAA BLACK SHEEP! ---HAVE YOO ANY WOOL!?"



"Lets stop 'bleating' aboot the bush!"

The new year iz nearly upon us and aalready 'The Wally withoot the Brolly' haz muttered these 'immortal words' "We feel as if we are getting there after a tough start!" and haz banished aall thoughts of wor disastrous 2015 campaign!---- with just SEVEN wins in THORTY EIGHT games---wor worst in livin' memory!
Ubeleeevableee!,he went on to say: "I'm quite a realist!---I do know what is happening and I try not to pull the wool over too many people's eyes!" <('Geordie Times' comment: "Baa baa black sheep!---have yoo any wool?--yes sir!---yes sir!---three bags full!")

Wot does he think iz gannih happen---like?---He waves a magic wand and aall of a sudden aall wor players suddenly become world beaters?? <(or shud that be 'world BLEATERS'!? (sic!)
Wot we need iz frantic activity in the January window or else we fear the very worst iz boond to happen!  ie: the dreaded 'R' word!

And wot did Steve says aboot any forthcomin' transfors: 'ABSOLUTLEEE NOTHING'!
Correction!: We have since foond oot that he said: "We will see!"



Othaa 'goggledy gook' he came oot with, included: "I am not worried!--- Believe me, under the surface I am paddling like mad, but we have a little bit more information than anybody else!---There are 19 games to go!---You try to make sure with 10 games to go you are in a good position!---and with 5 games to go you are in an even better position!"  <(Try and make sense of aall that!---if yoo can!?) ^

We face the dauntin' prospect of a visit to The Emirates in 1 days time and of course 'The Arse' are now top of the Xmas tree, az we sit precariously on the 3rd bottom branch!
We disgracefully took an allocation of just 2,000 tickets, which (az you'd expect!) sold oot aalmost immediately!  (Bournemooth took TWICE that number last week!) and we are 'stuck in the corner' yet again!
We could easily have sold more for behind the goal, but declined because NUFC can't be bothered with the hassle of sellin' any more, az they make ne money whatsoever from away ticket sales!

To keep in with 'the festive spirit' the British Transport Dibbles have BANNED alcohol on aall retorn jorneys after the match!
So if yoo want to drown your sorrows (or celebrate an unexpected victory!) yoo will have to de it with a bottle of 'Fanta' or 'Diet Coke' instead! <(unless! yoo sneak some whisky or vodka into a bottle  of 'the above'!)

Havin' conceded FOURTEEN goals in wor last 3 visits there, 'it doesn't look good' does it? for any kind of positive result---McClaren will no doubt try to 'put the shutters up' but a nil-nil draw looks the least possible outcome and with just ONE solitary goal in wor last 3 games it doesn't auger <(we naa aall the posh words!) well for us shud wor hosts score forst!
ie: 'The Wally withoot the Brolly' (az we've noted in the past!) doesn't seem to have a 'PLAN 'B'
Rookie goalie Karl Darlow iz expected to start again az Rob Elliot iz still sufferin' from some kind of virus and of course Tim Krul iz still on the injury list! <(Arsene Wenger must think its Xmas aall ower again!)

But yoo NEVER KNOW with 'wor lot' and the bookies will have a field day if we can upset the odds and get something!?

Anyway!---nevaa mind aall that======A Happy New Year to yoo aall <(hopefully!---but 'divvint coont your sheep'!)
"Bbaaaaaaaar!!!!"

"DISASTER DAYS!" **** "SOUTHEND AWAY NEW YEARS DAY 1992!"

Posted '9:15am bells' New Years Day 2016

If yi 'fink' things are bad now---then 'fink' again!
24 years ago today we faced the prospect of a dinnatime hammerin' at Southend in the old 2nd Division! (read on!)

102 roots hall southend

(GROUND NUMBER 102)

Date of First Visit: 1st JANUARY 1992
ROOTS HALL, SOUTHEND -ON-SEA


SOUTHEND UNITED 4
NEWCASTLE UNITED 0


(OLD) DIVISION TWO
ATTENDANCE: 9,458 (500 Toons fans)




"YOU'RE NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE!"


"grrrrr!--time for din-dins!"

Of aall the places tih have tih gan tee on New Years day, it had tih be here!?.
A roond trip approachin' 700 miles! AND a bloody '12 bells' kick off iz well!. Ah was drivin' doon so it meant that ah could'nt ' even celebrate' the new year az normal by gettin' 'rat arsed'!.


Ah tried tih get a few hours kip, but it was nee good coz of aall the parties and drunken 'rat arsed' street singers!. (some people have got nee standards!)
Ah tried puttin' the pillow ower mee heed but it was nee good az 'auld lang syne' was ringin' oot from mee neighbours telly.


Az ah dragged mee sleepless sober body oot of bed at 'two thorty a.m. bells', the parties were just aboot dyin' doon but that was nee consolation tih mee az ah was totally 'cream crackered'!.
Ah drove tih Swaallwell tih pick Davy Dowaz up but mee worst fears were conformed when ah arrived and foond that there were nee lights on in his terraced hoose. (he'd obviously been on 'the hoy'!)
Ah brayed on his front door and hoyed 'clemmies' at his bedroom window, but it was nee good az he was 'vino collapso' and ah could'nt wake the drunken pig up!.




"HANG ON A MINUTE!---HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A F*****' DOG!"


Az a last resort, ah went roond tih the back of his hoose and tried tih 'bunk ower' his back yard waall in case he'd faalin' asleep in his livin' room!. (which was at the rear of the hoose)
Encorougingly ◄(sorry aboot the 'spellin' misteak!) there was a light on, so ah made a super human effort and dragged mee sixteen stone frame ower the waall, 'S.A.S style'!, and hammered on his back window!.
In response a very loud barkin' and growlin' noise came from the back kitchen, which was very strange indeed az Davy did'nt have a 'Deputy Dawg'?.
Then it suddenly dawned on iz!-----IT WAS THE WRANG F*****' HOOSE!---AND!---tih mek matters worse, 'mans best friend?' suddenly appeared at the back door which had a frosted glass window, bangin' it's paws to break the glass as it stood on it's hind legs! It was huge and was at least as taall as me! (that's!---SIX FOOT---like!)
Usin' my vast knowledge of canine breeds (absoloootleee non whatsoever!) aa could just make oot through the frosted glass that it was probably? a cross between an Alsatian and an Irish wolf hound and it was snarlin' loudly and barin' it's razor sharp 'Ted Heath' az it 'clocked iz', panic stricken in the back yard!.


It looked very likely tih come through the glass door at any moment!---AND!---tih mek matters EVEN WORSE!, it looked very hungry and didn't look ower happy that a'd woken it from it's 'slumbers'!.
It was time for 'A Sharp Exit' before aa was torn 'limb from limb' and eaten alive!, and aa SWEAR BLIND!, that yiv never (ever!) seen anybody scale a ten foot high waall quicker than ah did that New Years mornin'!.
(The S.A.S included!)


Time was gettin' on and ah could'nt wait there any langer for him to wake up az ah had tih mek 'tracks' tih Fellin' tih pick 'Piper' and Terry 'Biggles' Botcherby up. (So caalled coz he once flew to an away game in London!)
They were at the arranged meetin' point much the worse for wear after the previous neets indulginses!, but still able tih stand up nontheless! ("Er!"-A'm not sayin' they were still 'cattle trucked' but 'Piper' looked like 'death waamed up'!, and 'Biggles' eyes looked like 'pissholes in the snow'!)


Anyway!---it was aboot '3:30 am bells' by the time wih set off for the seaside and not surprizingly the roads were totally deserted and ah remember thinkin', "A wish they were like this aall the time"!
By the time wih arrived in Soothend sometime later (aboot 10:30 bells) ah was completely 'cream crackered' and of course there was nowt open and wih ended up waalkin' aroond the groond like lost sheep with neewhere tih gan!.


However!--- Soothend Supporters Club which was reet next tih the groond did eventually open after several Geordies made their presence felt by nearly kickin' the front door off it's hinges!. It had the 'desired effect' and they let us in for the forst drinks of the year. (Unfortunatally, mine was an 'Andy Pandy' az ah had tih drive back iz well!)
After another 'Andy' it was time tih gan tih the match and wih heeded for the visitors end just roond the corner.
We were in 'dire straits' (the team---NOT us!) az we were near the foot of the aad Second Division and a good result was needed tih lift the fear of relegation.


The groond was a typical lower league venue with an open terrace lined with blue crash barriers for the away followers and a smaall roofed terrace at the far end for the home fans. To wor left was the rickety main stand which stopped at each penalty box and to wor reet there was a stand with a rusted double barrelled tin roof which ran the full length of the pitch.


Anly 500 or so diehards had made the lang jorney sooth and we were 'rewarded' for our loyalty by gannin' a goal behind after ONE MINUTE!. (Great f*****' start!)


By the time Soothend had scored their FOURTH goal, sometime durin' the second half, their fans were havin' a field day!.---"WHAT A WASTED JOURNEY!"---they sang with delight az they pointed towards us!. (TOO BLOODY TRUE MATE!)


But the chant that REALLY hit home to me was far more poignant.---"YOU'RE NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE!"-- "YOU'RE NOT FAMOUS ANY-MORE!"
Sadly---ah had to agree with them!---CHRIST!---had it really come to this!?---the once famous N.U.F.C., ridiculed by fans of a 'tuppence haapny' team whose gates were often less than Hartlepool's and whose groond resembled a 'glorified bus-stop'!.


We were hurtlin' towards the Thord Division and on THIS! performance, relegation looked a CERTAINTY!.
(Ah divvint want tih dwell on wor 'p-e-r-f-o-r-m-a-n-c-e-!' that day, or indeed, who was actually playin' for the Toon!---it's just a 'blur'---thank god!---d-e-f-e-n-a-t-e-l-y-! one tih forget!)


'John the Chap' had hitched it doon on New Years Eve and az wih had a spare seat in the 'jam jar' coz Davy Dowaz had 'slept in', ah offered him a lift yem, if he wanted one. (He did'nt need much persuasion!)


On the retorn jorney tih keep awake ah put the radio on tih listen tih the results. The announcer telt wih that Barnet had won and were definate promotion contenders from the Fourth Division.
Ah thought---F*****' HELL!---ah saw Gatesheed play Barnet in the Conference the previous season at the International Stadium and Newcastle could! be playin' them NEXT! season!.
That's when wor 'plight' really hit home to me!. (you could say we'd gone to the dogs!) (sic!)


By the time wih got yem several hours later aa was nearly faallin' asleep at the wheel and it was certainleee a day that 'Biggles' Botcherby, 'Piper', John the Chap' and meesel will never (ever!) forget!!!


HAPPY BLOODY NEW YEAR!!!???




Footnote:
(Az it torned oot, Barnet missed oot on promotion that season and of course, 'Keegan the Messiah' saved us from even worse trips tih the likes of Torquay, Gillingham and Colchester!)
(Thank F*****' God!)




©Fink ™ (the mad-sad gr☺undh☺pper!)

PAVEL RIP

Posted '4:07 pm bells' Tuesday 29th December 2015

The very sad news haz reached us that former Toon goalie Pavel Srnicek haz died this afternoon at the age of just 47 followin' a heart attack last week

Wor thoughts are with hiz family and friends at this difficult time

RIP PAV

BERWICK STRANGERS X1 v TOON X1 **TOONEET @ Shielfield Park, Tweedmoooth

Posted '3:33pm bells' Tuesday 29th December 2015

The Toon are sendin' a team up to Tweedmoooth this evenin', where they are playin' a friendly against Berwick
£5 for big kids and U16s FREE!
Kick off iz @ '7:30 bells'

Update Wednesday mornin'

The Toon X1 won 3-1 against a Berwick Strangers X1 with wor goals comin' from Longstaff, Gallacher and Broccoli in front of a smaall crowd of 388

THE BAGGIE TROOSERS 1 THE TOON 0 *** PREMYAA LEAGUE 2015-2016

Posted '11:00am bells' Tuesday 29th December 2015

"NO!"---"IT'S NOT THE NORTH SEA!"--"IT'S THE OUTSKIRTS OF YORK!"
("THERE'S A FARMHOOSE AND VILLAGE UNDER THERE!")---
---("SOMEWHERE!")

"AN INSULT TO WOR INTELLIGENCE!"

After battlin' through the floods of York on the '7:25 bells' train to New Street, Bormingham, *("Whey!", hardly 'battlin' through the floods---more like watchin' York drown az we passed by on the train with wor feet up, drinkin' cans of 'easy rider', wonderin' just how those affected were copin'!)
We expected at the very least a 'battlin' display from The Toon az well, after aall the 'hype' surroundin' the 'injustice' of wor defeat at home to Everton just 2 days before on Boxin' Day (see that match report forthaa doon the page!)

*(PS: Honestly, wor hearts gan oot to aall the people who have been affected by the terrible floods--it must be heartbreakin' to be flooded time and time again!)

Wot we got from NUFC waz the usual garbage that we have been so used to this year, az we gave in meekly to a poor WBA side who bombarded wor goal in the forst half with wave after wave of shots and corners to keep wor rooky goalie Karl Darlow very busy (Rob Elliot had felt unwell before the game and Darlow waz hoyed into the fray!)
Honestly!---it would have been more excitin' watchin' paint dry on 'wor part' az we hardly ventured up the field and we were (very!)glad to see the half time break!

A 'VERY' RARE ATTACK ---COLOCCINI (dark strip on left)
HITS THE POST IN FRONT OF THE TOON FANS!

Both Dummett and Coloccini hit the woodwork in the 2nd half and Mitrovic seemed to be pulled back az he waz aboot to take a shot in front of the Toon faithful behind the goal, but penalty claims were waved away by the ref ---but they waz the anly 'highlights' of this half for 'us' az we continually gave the baall away, shyed  oot from tackles and played across the field and backwards!--instead of gannin forward! <(ie: A 'complete' shambles!)

The killer blow came just after the Mitrovic incident, when Darlow failed to hold a Darren Fletcher downward heeder and it squeezed underneath him and into the net for the anly goal of the game!

'The Wally withoot the Brolly' iz unbelievable!---claimin' that we in fact "played ever so well!"--- matched West Brom in every department and didn't deserve to lose---which game waz he watchin', like????
Does he think we are so stupid and gullible that we will believe anything that he says???----hiz ridiculous comments are an insult to wor intelligence and have NOT gone doon well with the Toon fans!

The match stats tell a very different story to McClaren's however!

The Baggie Troosers had a total of 22 shots of which 5 were on target and 18 corners, compared to 'wor' 7 shots, (nearly aall weak efforts!) of which anly TWO were on target (1 in each half!) and 6 corners!
We aalso committed twice az many fouls az them (14 to 7), many of them needless when we lost possession!  

The Leegue table doesn't lie, Steve and we gan into the new year 3rd bottom with a pathetic 17 points from 19 games at the halfway point of the season---Indeed, with just SEVEN wins oot of a possible THORTY EIGHT games played this calendar year, it beats the previous worst in livin' memory, which waz NINE wins in 1961 (relegated 1960-1961) and NINE wins in 2008 (relegated 2008-2009!)

Alan Shearer totally contradicts wot McClaren had just said moments before
on Match Of The Day

Next up iz 'The Arse' away on Saturday---a groond where we have conceded 14 goals in wor last 3 visits!-----Arsene Wenger must be rubbin' hiz hands!

Toon team: Darlow, Coloccini, Dummett, Janmaat, Mbemba, Sissoko, Colback (Thourvin 86) <(WHY?), Anita (Tiote 27), Wijnaldum, Mitrovic, Perez (De Jong 72) <(WHY?)

Attendance: 26,313 (2,700 insulted Toon fans!) * 


The pre and post match gargels took place 'here' in Bormingham city centre

   

THE BAGGIE TROOSERS v THE TOON *** TOMORROW AFTERNOON! *** PERHAPS?

Posted '9:00 pm bells' Sunday 27th December 2015

Tomorrow afternoon we face WBA away in the Premyaa Leegue and we can anly hope that we get there az there iz severe floodin' in York az we speak!
Of course we have to travel through York to get to Bormingham New Street and then onward to West Brom and we are not sure at the moment if York Station iz affected by the floods!
We shall soon find oot tomorrow mornin' (snorkels and flippers at the ready!)