THE TOON v THE P*SS POTTS OF STOKE *** SATURDAY AFTERNOOON

Posted '12:47pm bells' Thorsday 29th October 2015

'OSCAR AWARDS THIS WAY!' >>>>>>>>>>>>>

We gan into yet anothaa 'must win game' on Saturday <(how many times have we said that now!?) when we take on Mark Hughes Stoke side who have been 'buoyed' by a Leegue Cup win ower Chelski on Tuesday neet and progress to the qwaataa finals.

'The Wally (withoot) the Brolly' tells us that he iz 'confident' az we have "played well" in wor last 4 games, claimin' 4 points oot of a possible 12! <(this includes wor 6-1 annihilation @ Man City!)

Lets hope Thourvin doesn't torn up in hiz tuxedo and dicky bow tie on Saturday az we are scrappin' for wor lives and NOT hostin' the 'Oscar awards'---az he seems to think???

'SOMEWHERE INSIDE ST JAMES' PARK!'

We will have more on aall this tomorrow and Saturday <(the match and not the 'Oscars'!) and will just have to wait and see which Toon team torn up on the day <(hopefully the one that beat Norwich 6-2 and NOT the one that lost 2-1 to Wotfad!)

"WE WANT THE REF IN THE LEAZES!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Wednesday 28th October 2015



"WHO'S YI FATHER REFEREE!?"

It haz of course been conformed wot we aalready knew!  Coloccini's red card @ The SOS haz been owertorned and he can now play against 'The P*ss Potters of Stoke' this Saturday.

The fact that we had to play the whole of the 2nd half with 10 men because of the ref's mind bogglin' decision to send 'Fab' off, makes it even worse az we can't replay the 2nd half with 11 men ---can we!?

Meeenwhile!---NUFC have been charged for NOT controllin' wor players ower the incident when they protested loudly to the incompetent man in the middle Madley!

In othaa words we are gettin' charged for bein' in the RIGHT!---despite the fact that the 'sweet FA' have decided Madley waz in the WRANG!

It's an efffin' joke!

Perhaps we shud ambush the ref and hoy him in 'The Old Leazes End', az Toon fans used to chant "We want the ref in The Leazes!" in the 1960's, when bad decisions were given against us!--------------------If ANLY we COULD!

IT'S A DOG'S LIFE!

Posted 'high noon bells' Tuesday 27th October 2015

"A 'DOG IZ FOR LIFE!"

Forst of aall--apologeez for not updatin' this website since the weekend--but! az yoo can imagine we didn't feel 'up to it' following wot happened on Sunday!
In wor previous FIVE games against the SMBs we played abysmally and lost, but this time it waz two very bad refereein' decisions that cost us the game we shud have won easily!

However!--this doesn't make the pain of losin' to them yet again any eezier and the fact that we conceded 2 daft goals in the 2nd half makes it even harder to take! 

Yet again we must re-group for Saturdays encoontaa with 'The P*ss Potts of Stoke and simply MUST win it---or else!

Originally 'The Wally withoot the Brolly' said "Judge me after TEN games!"---and then changed hiz mind when things went pear shaped!
2nd bottom with just SIX points from those games and ONE win doesnt look good on hiz C.V.!
How much langer can he last if disaster follows disaster???

A certain 'Fat Controller' will ne doubt press the 'panic button' at some stage shud results fail to improve!

"A dog iz for life!" they say---and so iz NUFC---there's NE ESCAPE!

*'Dog' iz  Geordie slang for Newcastle Brown Ale

BIG FAT SAM'S SMBs v THE TOON *** 'HIGH NOON BELLS' **** THIS SUNDAY

Updated '10:37am bells' Saturday 24th October 2015

The build up to wor biggest game of the season iz in full flow az we wait in anticipation/trepidation? for the so caalled 'Desperation Derby' game on Sunday and we have been allocated wor usual 'paltry' 2,800 tickets!

Followin' wor MAG nificent 6-2 win ower 'The Canary Custards of Norwich' last Sunday 'The SMB's are now the ANLY club oot of the 134 in the Inglish and Scottish leegues NOT to win a game so far this season! <(lang may it continue!)

Az usual we are gannin on 'The School Run Bus to Hell'^ and will catch one of the 'yellow peril double deckers' to the 'Stadium of "SSHHhh!---Yee Naa Wot!" @ '10 bells' come Sunday for the ONE HOUR plus 'snail trail' past The Gatesheed Monstrosity <(Angel!) and alang The Washington Highway <(20 mins normal drivin'!)

Most boozers are openin' @ '9 am bells' in The Toon and divvint forget that the clocks gan BACK an hour, so yoo will have even less/more time? catchin' up on your 'beauty sleep' in the mornin'!

There's one thing for certain aboot this game----After the win against Norwich last Sunday, we have much confidence than we did a month ago and can anly hope and pray that we PLAY like we did last week and NOT az we did in the 2nd half collapse against Man City 3 weeks ago!

A full Geordie Times match report will appear here sometime on Munday if we win and 'god naaz when' if we divvint!

THE TOON 6 (SIX!) THE CANARY CUSTARD CRUMBLES 2 *** PREMYAA LEEGUE 2015-2016

Posted '10:47am bells' Munday 19th October 2015

"GINI IN A BOTTLE!"

In wor last article (see below) we said that there waz a 'chink of light' at the end of the tunnel and after won fantastic 6-2 win ower Norwich yesterday the tunnel entrance iz lookin' much closer!

Gini Wijnaldum waz of course the star of the show with 4 (FOWER!) Magnificent goals to send us up to the 'dizzy heights' of 18th in the leegue table---just 2 behind Bournemoooth in 17th place---and safety!

The sequence of events were az follows:

1-0 up---Sissoko passes the baall to Gini Wijnaldum and he calmly fires home @ The Gallowgate End after just 15 minutes on the clock.

THE TOON ATTACK THE GALLOWGATE GOAL (1st half)
VIEW FROM THE VERY BACK ROW OF THE MILBURN STAND

1-1---After a scare 3 minutes later when the visitors hit the post they equalised after a defensive mix up, Bezua slots the baall home.

2-1 up---Sissoko crosses and Gini gets a good heeder which flies past Ruddy after 26 minutes

3-1 up---7 minutes later Perez fires home after hiz forst effort waz blocked

3-2 up---We shoot worselz in the foot once again az just ONE minute later Redmond pulls anothaa goal back

4-2 up---Mitrovic chest the baall doon and hits a fantastic shot which gives Ruddy 'nee chance' @ The Leazes End in the 64th minute


THE TOON ATTACK THE LEAZES END (2nd half)
(PHOTO BY JAMIE AGED 5!)


5-2 up----Gini completes hiz hat-trick after he again heeds home, this time from a Janmaat cross

Just 3 minutes later 'The Custard Crumbles' <(Delia's own recipe!) hit the post once again to send the norves janglin'---even though we are 3 goals clear!

6-2 up!---finally we can 'relax' az 'The Gini in the Bottle' once again wellys the baall into the visitors net to score hiz FOURTH and final goal of the game with just 5 minutes remainin' to complete the scorin' az 'The Canary Custards 'crumbled'!

GRANDSON JAMIE GETS A CLOSER VIEW OF THE ACTION
THROUGH HIZ 'NOCULARS' <(AZ HE CAALLS THEM!)

MEEENWHILE! GRANDSON ZAC ENJOYS 
HIZ 1st EVER GAME IN 'THE STRAWBERRY CORNER'!
(Photo by 'DADDY' CRAIG)

Lets hope we have torned the corner now after NINE attempts at winnin'---BUT! this IZ NUFC and we have seen this aall before---Imagine we are on an open topped double decker bus celebratin' wor win and then the bus driver makes a wrang torn and hits a low bridge!---This iz the life of an NUFC supporter!
Lets hope we don't hit 'the low bridge' next Sunday @ The Stadium of "SSHHhhh! yee naa wot!"

There's one thing for certain though!---we will gan into this game with a lot more confidence than we had just a fortneet ago! "HOWAY THE TOON!"

LUCKY MASCOTS!---
GRANDSONS ZAC AGED 4, WHO WAZ ATTENDIN' HIZ 1st EVER GAME
& JAMIE AGED 5, WHO WAZ ATTENDIN' HIZ 1st LEEGUE GAME
OF THIS SEASON, ENJOY THEMSELZ IN THE
'BODEGA BEER BAR' BEFORE THE GAME! 

Toon team: Elliot, Janmaat, Dummett (Haidara 65), Tiote (Anita 46), Coloccini, Mbemba, Sissoko, Colback, Mitrovic (Cisse 88), Wijnaldum, Perez

Attendance: 47,006 (2,000 wearin' custard coloured shirts in The Leazes End!) *

THE TOON v THE CANARY CUSTARD CRUMBLES <(Delia's own recipe!)

Posted '9:33am bells' Sunday 18th October 2015

"A CHINK OF LIGHT ---PERHAPS!?"

Followin' the results yesterday, there IZ a 'chink of light' at the end of the tunnel IF we can beat 'Delia's Mob' this afternoon @ St James' Park
At the bottom 'The mackems' lost to WBA, Bournemoooth lost heavily at Man City, Wotfad lost 3-0 at home to 'The Arse' and The 'Hazbeenz and Villians' lost at Chelski---meeenin' if we can produce wor forst win of the season at wor NINTH attempt then we will move up to the dizzy heights of 18th! in the table and just TWO points off Bournemoooth in 17th place!

Failure to win however will meeen that we will gan into the 'Desperation Derby' next Sunday @ 'The SOS' with ne wins alang with 'The SMB's---and will be the ANLY 2 teams oot of the entire 92 leegue sides who would have not won a game this season!

So!---lets hope and pray we CAN at last 'break wor duck' and break the despondency that haz enveloped Tyneside ower the last 3 months!

Coincidently 'The Geordie Times' 'pageviews' have went doon considerably ower the last 3 months and wethaa this iz due to 'YOO LOT' not wantin' to read depressin' reports time after time--OR!---you're gettin' sick off readin' the same old c*ap week in week oot iz open to conjuncture! <(whatever that meeenz?)

However we WILL 'plod on' and bring yoo a full match report sometime tomorrow az per usual---lets pray it's a 'good-in'!?  

TAALK ABOOT BURYIN' YI HEED IN THE SAND!

Posted 'high noon bells' Saturday 17th October 2015

McCLAREN VISITS WHITLEY BAY BEACH!

Yet more amazin' statements have been uttered by 'The Wally (withoot!) the Brolly'

Taalkin' aboot the lang torm injury to goalie Tim Krul: 
"It's a massive blow for us!---He's a vital player and he would get us 18-20 points a season with the way he plays!" <(Krul played in the forst 8 games and we have THREE points to show with him between 'the sticks'!)

NOT SO GREAT expectations!: Before the season started both wor 'beloved' MD 'Penfold' and McClaren said (in so many words):
"We expect a top EIGHT finish and a good run in the cups!"
Now after a terrible start and defeat to Sheff Wed resorves in the Leegue Cup the 'goalposts have been moved' and a 40 point target iz now wor aim! <(highly unlikely we'll get that eethaa, me finks!)

The Leegue table etc-- On hiz arrival he said that we shud judge him after TEN games---He now says:
"I don't look at the table, not the first half of the season and DEFINATLY NOT the first TEN games!"

A GAME OF ONE HALF!:

"ONE half wonders!"

After the disastrous 6-1 defeat at Man City he made the players watch the FORST half of the game (when it waz 1-1) but SWITCHED THE TELLY OFF! for the SECOND HALF debacle?:
"WE played really well for 45 minutes!"
AYE!--that's reet Steve, but why not show them the total collapse in the 2nd half az well?---IZ he in denial??----IZ he buryin' hiz heed in the sand????---We leave yoo to draw your own conclusions!

RIP TOBY!

Posted '11:05am bells' Saturday 17th October 2015

Very sad news reaches us aboot the passin' away of a Toon fan known az 'Toby'
'Toby' who waz 60ish waz a loyal fan who travelled home and away with hiz mates 'Robbo', 'Mac' and company for many a year!

RIP TOBY you will be sadly missed by us all!

"AFTER EIGHT---WE'LL BE AALREET MATE!"

Posted 'high noon bells' Friday 16th October 2015

STEVE'S FAVE CHOCS!

'The Wally (withoot!) the Brolly' haz just come oot with an amazin' statement, sayin' that:
"WE SAID AFTER THE ETIHAD THAT OUR SEASON STARTS NOW!"---"IT'S KIND OF BEEN AN EXTENDED PRE SEASON AND NOW WE HAVE TO START PLAYING!"

Wot McClaren meeenz in effect iz that wor forst EIGHT leegue games have been wiped from the record books and we can concentrate on the start of the season NOW!
NE points from NE games gives us a chance to 'catch up' and he will ne doubt tell us that a 'Champions Leegue place' iz 'up for grabs'!
The anly problem iz! ---we will have to replay the away disasters at the likes of Swanzee, West Ham and the 6-1 defeat at Man City and the home debacles against the likes of Wotfad and Sheff Wed resorves! <(in the Leegue Cup!)

But not to worry!---The 'Brolly-less' Wally went on to say!:
"AS LONG AS WE CONTINUE MAKING PROGRESS--- <(We nevaa realised that a 6-1 defeat waz 'progress'???) WHICH I BELIEVE WE ARE (???)---AND THEY BELIEVE WE ARE (???)---THEN WE KEEP GOING!"

Bring on 'The Canary Custard Creams'! <(Or shud that be 'THE AFTER EIGHTS'!?)

THE TOON v DELIA'S CANARY CUSTARD CREAMS *** SUNDAY AFTERNOOON!

Posted '2:15pm bells' Thorsday 15th October 2015


'STRAWBERRY CORNER' FROM 'THE STRAWBERRY' UPSTAIRS WINDOW


WE don't play til Sunday by which time we could be EIGHT points off safety if  'The Baggie Troosers' of West Brom beat 'Big Fat Sam's' SMBs on Saturday afternoon!

Injuries to Tim Krul, Rolando Aarons, Steve Taylor, Emmanual Riviere and Gabriel Obertan rule them oot, although Daryl Janmaat, Paul Dummett, Kevin Mbabu and Massadio Haidara shud be involved!---not sure aboot Jack Colback?

With just ONE win in the last NINETEEN attempts in the leegue, gannin back to last season, these are indeed desperate times for anyone of black n white persuasion!

Wor beleaguered and desperate 'Wally (withoot'!) the Brolly' manager haz said that we have played 8 tough games so far this season!---Honest Steve---aa nevaa realised that WATFORD at home waz a 'tough game'!

Failure to win will surely send 'The Fat Controller' into 'panic mode'! (az well az the rest of us!)